Moaning over a toothache.
It's a peculiar thing, that when I'm down about something, I get really, really down about it. On top of that, I turn it into a strong state of self-deprecation. And in that, I derive, in some way, some feeling of pleasure, in seeing myself at an emotional low. Instead of just trying to work myself out of it, I dig deeper into whatever petty grief I have, because essentially it is petty, I really have nothing monumental to be down about. I let it get to me, and in knowing that it gets to me a sick sense of pleasure emerges. It's trite and it's fleeting, but I reason that it's all I can get, and it's easier than pulling myself out. I'm sure it's not healthy though.
There's also the absolutist mentality that holds me down. If one thing is lost, the world crumbles, and I realize that I amount to nothing.Then when things are going well, my pride inflates to epic proportions, and I will continuously hurt others and bring everything down. It's vicious because it's bound to repeat itself. Maybe the push and the pull is the stuff of life, though. Hell, feeling like shit is at least a sign of life. It's a testament to my existence. I am here and I know happiness because pain is real. Whatever.
Any process of mourning cannot be escaped. I think that's the general consensus. It's such a part of being human I guess that no one's figured out a way to override it.
Jealousy, envy, and anxiety together make a potent mixture. I feel like I cannot compare myself, and in that insecurity I become insignificant. When someone is happy without me, I feel I have lost a place in their memory, and I'm just slowly dissappearing. I'll stop cause it's getting silly and ridiculous.
If all that's left is the feeling of being perpetually unsatisfied, then I better find some sort of outlet. I'm not the most content person as it is. Maybe it's charity work, fuck who knows?
More later.
There's also the absolutist mentality that holds me down. If one thing is lost, the world crumbles, and I realize that I amount to nothing.Then when things are going well, my pride inflates to epic proportions, and I will continuously hurt others and bring everything down. It's vicious because it's bound to repeat itself. Maybe the push and the pull is the stuff of life, though. Hell, feeling like shit is at least a sign of life. It's a testament to my existence. I am here and I know happiness because pain is real. Whatever.
Any process of mourning cannot be escaped. I think that's the general consensus. It's such a part of being human I guess that no one's figured out a way to override it.
Jealousy, envy, and anxiety together make a potent mixture. I feel like I cannot compare myself, and in that insecurity I become insignificant. When someone is happy without me, I feel I have lost a place in their memory, and I'm just slowly dissappearing. I'll stop cause it's getting silly and ridiculous.
If all that's left is the feeling of being perpetually unsatisfied, then I better find some sort of outlet. I'm not the most content person as it is. Maybe it's charity work, fuck who knows?
More later.