Balance of Power ~ Chapter Eight

[c_b_syndrome]

“And Now for a Word from Our Sponsor”
Arc One; Chapter Eight
Balance of Power

WARNING: Post Series, Post Movie **SPOILER HEAVY** and slightly AU

Ed briefly wondered if he could transmute himself into a cockroach and go hide under the refrigerator until the storm blew over.

Comments

Re: Chapter Eight Notes

[c_b_syndrome]

*sigh* That's it! I need a 12-step program for comma and semi-colon addiction -.-;;

Ed and The Matrix: I can just see a Crack!One Shot just of his reaction to that.

Actually, Reilly was trying to get a mosquito in this instance. ;)

How many fanarts and fics have we been inflicted with where Ed gets stuck in a dress? The thought was irresistable.

Reilly has 'balls' ;) (Something that will be appreciated in the second arc... but I ain't telling you any more than that.)

Bad movie references... Ya gotta love 'em! ^^;;

Second Arc

[c_b_syndrome]

Let's just say...

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

>:)

Comments, part 1

[nebroadwe]

See what happens when you encourage the editor-wannabe? It's just like feeding a cat; now you'll have to turn the hose on me to keep me off the porch. Today's installment is a bit less line-by-line, in part because I had a lot to say about one section in broader terms. So:

It was nearly 2:30 in the morning when Ed walked Hughes to his car. Neither of them had really noticed when late in the evening Ducky and Tom left; and Ed wasn’t really sure where Reilly had wandered off to.

This paragraph is a bit awkward; Hughes leaves only by implication. I might emend to: "It was nearly 2:30 in the morning when Ed walked Hughes to his car and saw him off. Neither of them had really noticed when Ducky and Tom had left; now Ed wasn't sure where Reilly had gone, either."

He leaned on the low gate, saw a few torches lit and Reilly on the bench, shadowed by the willow. “It doesn’t do a lot of good to hide if you light a beacon, you know,” he said mildly.The "hiding" comment isn't quite signaled by the description of Reilly's position; it

Comments, part 2

[nebroadwe]

Continued commments:

This was the fifth time in two weeks that Reilly stopped by the bank on her way to work to make a withdrawal ...

"This was ... " expects "had stopped", but since this sentence occurs in the narrative present, you don't want that. "For the fifth time in two weeks, Reilly stopped ... " would work better.

[Reilly's preparations]

And this scene is a great follow-up to the one at the beginning of the chapter. While Hughes is giddy and Al recovering, Ed and Reilly are facing the future together. Dialogue and gestures are well-judged.

She nodded and a sad smile tugged at the corner of her lips. “I’d rather die having done what was right, than to live doing what was safe.” / She looked down, and scowled. She grasped at his left hand and turned it over, palm up. “Ed, why is your hand all pruney?”A transition may be missing here, just something brief to indicate the change in emotional temperature between Reilly's profession of ethics and her look at Ed's hand, which is clearly displacement activity. The

Comments, part 3

[nebroadwe]

[The bombing and Al's escape attempt]This scene seems underwritten to me. That's possibly because it's a first finished draft, so excuse me if I'm about to tell you things you already know. "Show, don't tell" is a rule that every writer needs to know when to break, but this scene would improve with a little more showing during its front end and a slightly slower build to Al's realization that he needs to run. That "[t]he mass exodus from the hospital was chaotic" is spot-on, according to my medical contacts who've been involved in them, but there are a couple of particular features to the chaos worth noting

Comments, part 4

[nebroadwe]

Last thing:

Al heard a muffled grunt from Ray as his foot connected with a shin. It was followed quickly by a "Sorry, Tiger," and a sharp pain in his shoulder.

One final note: Ray would have to call for Haldol (or whatever) while he kept Al wrapped up, and someone else would prepare the syringe and make the injection. Al might be hysterical enough here not to be fully aware of this, but it's probably good to give some indication of the sequence to the reader, particularly the fact that Al would be struggling for some small time between being caught and being sedated, just to maintain surface plausibility.

That's all. It's still all good stuff, BTW. I continue to be entertained. HTH.

Peace.

Re: Comments, part 4

[ladyamber]

Danke; I think that part got a little bit ignored in the editing department, mainly because none of us have really experienced a bombing in any truly public place, and I tend to get a beginning and flesh it out after I've got the bare bones. I must have forgotten to put the meat on that section.

I'll see what I can do to fix the section so it flows better later; right now, I have a test I need to go and take. GLorious Mustanging, how we salute thee!

Re: Comments, part 4

[ladyamber]

And it is revised! I took a few of the suggestions; hope it reads better now.