Comments, part 1nebroadweApril 8 2006, 23:49:51 UTC
More comments, because it's still a good story and I want it to be as good as it possibly can be -- and because, for me, reading about a story is as much fun as reading the story itself. Thus, going line-by-line again:
Al stared at the papery cup sitting happily perched on the wheel-about table-thing in front of him ...
"Sitting" and "perched" are redundant with each other; one of them could easily go. (I'd keep "perched" myself -- happy things perch. :-) And is it a "papery" cup or just a paper one?
The doctor checked his breathing ...
"Had checked" to keep the tenses consistent.
Al had nodded, wondering just what the bed was going to do to him. When the bed itself started moving, he'd tried to stay calm until he was sitting entirely upright. He felt woozy after that, but got over it after a few quiet moments. "And how do I put it back down?" he'd asked after getting over his initial shock, taking the little control in his right hand."Had started" / "had felt" for tense consistency, again. "Got over" is repetitive with "
( ... )
Comments, part 2nebroadweApril 8 2006, 23:53:31 UTC
Continuing with the comments ...
She reached out and laid a hand over his. “Going back to 1924 Germany may not be a good idea either, Ed. Even if we can figure out how to get you there.”
His brow furrowed. “It’s not so bad,” he said. “And it’s not that different from Amest-from home.” He pointed back at the house. “Not like this. With computers and pixies, and strange voices screaming.”
Oh, yipe. Her comment suggests the future of 1920s Germany to us but not to Ed, who clearly has no idea what was coming and can only see the enormous differences between the familiar past and the hideously out-of-key present. Brr.
[Ray's entrance]
"A less sparkly Major Armstrong", huh? I have a feeling I'm going to like this guy.
Followed quickly on the thought’s heels ...
"Followed" should probably be "following".
Picking up the chart from outside, Ray started making those notes Heather had last night.
This is awkward. I think what you mean is something more like, "Ray started making notes, just as Heather had last night."
Re: Comments, part 2c_b_syndromeApril 9 2006, 06:35:49 UTC
Actually, I'm greatly enjoying your concrits. I look forward to them, in fact. I think it's safe to say I speak for the other two working on this as well. We want this to end up being an awesome story, and it's suggestions like yours, and the pointing out of things we miss that will help make it so.
Don't think we're going to get tired of it, either. YOU might get tired of pointing out our mistakes first! ^^;;
Re: Comments, part 2nebroadweApril 9 2006, 11:23:08 UTC
Actually, I'm greatly enjoying your concrits.
Phew! About halfway through each one, I always flash back to my first serious crit gig: a college friend shows up in my room, the night before his Hamlet paper is due, and asks me to read it over for him. And hands me a red pen. An hour later, he's on the floor in the fetal position clutching a stuffed rabbit, and he doesn't have a paper anymore. (Two pages of plot summary and two paragraphs of "Hamlet has issues with his mother" do not a paper make!) Then he has the chutzpah to take the inked-over draft to his TA and use my commentary to argue for an extension. (He got it, too.) I still wake up nights cringing over this.
Don't think we're going to get tired of it, either. YOU might get tired of pointing out our mistakes first! ^^;;
Oh, boy: hand me that red pen. :-) I'm far more likely to get tired of pointing out the mistakes than I am of noting the good stuff, even though it can be harder to articulate just why the good parts are good. Semi-articulate goshwow! noises
( ... )
Comments 4
Al stared at the papery cup sitting happily perched on the wheel-about table-thing in front of him ...
"Sitting" and "perched" are redundant with each other; one of them could easily go. (I'd keep "perched" myself -- happy things perch. :-) And is it a "papery" cup or just a paper one?
The doctor checked his breathing ...
"Had checked" to keep the tenses consistent.
Al had nodded, wondering just what the bed was going to do to him. When the bed itself started moving, he'd tried to stay calm until he was sitting entirely upright. He felt woozy after that, but got over it after a few quiet moments. "And how do I put it back down?" he'd asked after getting over his initial shock, taking the little control in his right hand."Had started" / "had felt" for tense consistency, again. "Got over" is repetitive with " ( ... )
Reply
She reached out and laid a hand over his. “Going back to 1924 Germany may not be a good idea either, Ed. Even if we can figure out how to get you there.”
His brow furrowed. “It’s not so bad,” he said. “And it’s not that different from Amest-from home.” He pointed back at the house. “Not like this. With computers and pixies, and strange voices screaming.”
Oh, yipe. Her comment suggests the future of 1920s Germany to us but not to Ed, who clearly has no idea what was coming and can only see the enormous differences between the familiar past and the hideously out-of-key present. Brr.
[Ray's entrance]
"A less sparkly Major Armstrong", huh? I have a feeling I'm going to like this guy.
Followed quickly on the thought’s heels ...
"Followed" should probably be "following".
Picking up the chart from outside, Ray started making those notes Heather had last night.
This is awkward. I think what you mean is something more like, "Ray started making notes, just as Heather had last night."
After ( ... )
Reply
Don't think we're going to get tired of it, either. YOU might get tired of pointing out our mistakes first! ^^;;
Reply
Phew! About halfway through each one, I always flash back to my first serious crit gig: a college friend shows up in my room, the night before his Hamlet paper is due, and asks me to read it over for him. And hands me a red pen. An hour later, he's on the floor in the fetal position clutching a stuffed rabbit, and he doesn't have a paper anymore. (Two pages of plot summary and two paragraphs of "Hamlet has issues with his mother" do not a paper make!) Then he has the chutzpah to take the inked-over draft to his TA and use my commentary to argue for an extension. (He got it, too.) I still wake up nights cringing over this.
Don't think we're going to get tired of it, either. YOU might get tired of pointing out our mistakes first! ^^;;
Oh, boy: hand me that red pen. :-) I'm far more likely to get tired of pointing out the mistakes than I am of noting the good stuff, even though it can be harder to articulate just why the good parts are good. Semi-articulate goshwow! noises ( ... )
Reply
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