The Canon Strikes Back
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. We are not them, but we do have permission to write in their world. The Lord of the Rings and other associated works, and all characters therein, belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. The Fifth Elephant and the rest of the Discworld series belongs to Terry Pratchett. Godzilla belongs to Toho if Wikipedia isn't lying. Our agents are our own, can't be used without our permission, etc. The Raiders are my creation but Dayn and his squad are Cassie's. The fics alluded to, Menelwen and Three Miles to Dol Guldur, are owned by Animadeus and LoopyLeah13 - the latter being a sequel to the fic in the previous mission - and we don't want them. The fic actually being killed in this mission, Journey to Gondolin: The Hidden City, is owned by PinkMartini, and we don't want that one, either. A big thank you to Techno-Dann for betaing this mission.
Warnings: There is some violence due to the nature of the PPC, but nothing very graphic. Some adult language scattered around.
This mission is set in January 2011, though the missions alluded to happened - without the reports being published as of now - back in 2010.
There weren't many people who could honestly say they liked being called up to the Sunflower Official's office, primarily because there was more often than not a very specific reason for it. The Flowers didn't make social calls, so if you found yourself with a sudden appointment, it was generally because Upstairs either needed something from you, or you'd messed up in such a way that they'd seen fit to chew you out over it. Neither option tended to be pleasant, so the average agent was reluctant at best when it came to visiting their employers; the exceptions often involved either a particularly brain-breaking fic, demands for a holiday/raise/both, a flamethrower, or some combination of all three.
Agents Cara Fielding and Miriam Collins weren't often in their Head of Department's office, mostly because they tried their best to make sure there was no reason for them to be there, but sometimes it just couldn't be avoided. Today, unfortunately, had turned out to be one of those times; they'd received the call less than an hour after their last mission report had been submitted, and now the younger of the two women was doing her best to blend into what scenery the office had and let her partner do the talking. Or arguing, which was probably the more apt descriptor.
There is a very specific reason we require a charge list to be filled out prior to assassination, the Sunflower said. If our agents just ran around slaughtering characters at a whim, we'd risk murdering non-Sues more often than not. You've been with us four years, Agent Fielding; has there been anything in our organisation's regulations that indicated such behaviour was acceptable?
"Screw that, you know what you sent us into!" Cara snapped. She was clearly not intimidated by the Flower's lecture, or the psychic sense of disapproval it was radiating. "If you wanted someone to take that thing carefully, maybe you should have sent it to someone who isn't so bloody bothered about seeing Arda fucked up beyond belief!"
The S.O. remained as unruffled as ever in the face of an irate agent, waiting until Cara was finished speaking. If you weren't bothered about such things, you wouldn't have taken the job, would you? It's no excuse for not even bothering to collect or read out a charge list during a mission.
"I did my best at first, but -" Apparently too wound up by this to even try to think of an explanation, Cara simply swore, comprehensively and at some length.
After several moments of this, Miriam finally gathered the courage to speak up, stepping out from behind her partner and waiting until the Sunflower turned his bloom to her. "Uh, sir," she started, "even with portal tech and the like, I think we would've been in that fic for years if we tried to do it properly. Maybe we did a few things wrong, but it was that or sitting through all of Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion with the Sue just thrown in."
"Not frigging likely," Cara cut in, still fuming. "There was more than enough to justify an early kill. So we forgot the damn charge list. It was a one-off due to me being sodding pissed off." She put her hands on the S.O.'s desk and leaned forwards a little. "And given the choice, would you rather things turned out this way, or that I turned up after the mission with a flamethrower?"
If it was possible for a being with no actual facial features to look completely unimpressed, the S.O. managed it. There was a long moment of silence, and then a psychic sigh. Now, if you're quite finished with the dramatics, I would be willing to admit it was not reasonable to expect an agent pair to sit through the entire works of Tolkien before carrying out their mission. However, I had better not get another report of you two abandoning PPC regulations unless it is somehow necessary. If I do, you will be disciplined. Do I make myself clear?
From the expression on her face, Cara was clearly longing to unleash another round of expletives. After a few moments, however, she closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and managed to relax enough to say, "Yes, sir," without making it sound as though she wanted to rip out his petals.
The Head of the DMS regarded the two women silently for a moment, then nodded his bloom. Then you have no further reason to be in my office.
"No sir," Miriam replied, quietly. She was already edging towards the doorway by the time the S.O.'s words touched their minds.
Cara remained still for a few moments, eyeing her boss with her arms folded. "If I were you, sir, I'd make sure we didn't get a mission like that again, even if you secretly get a kick out of watching us scrape the edges of our sanity. Just so you know." With that, she turned on her heel and marched out of the doorway. "Come on, Miri."
Miriam followed after her silently, all too eager for an excuse to get away from the Flower; over a year of PPC work still hadn't taught her how to stand up to her boss. However, it had taught her that bugging Cara when she was already in a foul mood wasn't the smartest of ideas, so it was quite a while before she said anything. "You okay, Cara? I haven't seen you so pissed since the mission with that half-Elf, or the Kinslayers."
The mention of the latter drew an unconscious shudder out of the young woman. The sheer number of non-canons involved had forced them to call in DIA backup, and it turned into more of a battle than an assassination when they made their move. Even running into Himrod again hadn't made it any more pleasant to deal with, especially considering the mood the former Assassin had been in.
"Me? I'm fine." Cara's voice was a lot calmer now. "I'm just fed up of him jumping all over us with the bloody rulebook. He knows what I'm like."
"I guess so." Miriam kept her voice neutral. "That fic was just insane; not saying I blame you for cutting it off, just that it's been months since I saw a fic get you that mad. We didn't even get a puppy out of it, like with Menelwen." She couldn't help a smile at that, despite a token attempt to hide it.
Cara rolled her eyes. "You and puppies. I swear, hearing you squee when you saw it was embarrassing."
Miriam had the courtesy to blush a little. "I couldn't help it; he was adorable. It's not like I tried to make you keep him or anything; brought him to Terry's friend like I said I would. The New Caledonia city's just better for a dog." Of course, that hadn't stopped her from visiting said friend whenever she had the opportunity, as both women knew.
There was a little chuckle, and Cara shook her head slightly. "I know, I know. It was just the shock of hearing a noise like that coming from you. Still, no harm done... and at least you got it out of here before Steph saw it."
The younger Assassin laughed a little, grinning. "We never would've got it away from her."
"Exactly. Bad enough she's already got Moira, and one of her other friends has something small and fluffy that his mum usually keeps in their RC... yeah, she doesn't need extra." Cara smiled fondly.
"Only so much cuteness a person can take before they keel over, anyway." Miriam relaxed and kept an eye out for their RC as she continued with the banter.
"I noticed," Cara murmured dryly, giving Miriam a sidelong look, before stopping short and opening the door on her left. "Bloody thing sneaked up on us again."
"At least I'm getting better at finding it," Miriam pointed out with a mock-proud expression, following her partner inside. RC #96 was in much the same condition as they'd left it, which was to say they'd barely put their things down from the mission before the call came down. This didn't leave the RC looking much different than usual, with the main exception of their kit having been mostly dumped in front of the console and generally appearing as if its occupants had left in a hurry. Moira looked up from her bed as the two came in, and gave a welcoming - if slightly tired-sounding - hiss.
Cara's expression immediately softened, and she gave the mini a fond little smile. "Sorry about waking you up, sweetie." There was a forgiving little growl, and Moira disappeared under her fireproof blanket. The agent laughed quietly and flopped into her chair. Miriam set to organising their things now that she had a chance, if nothing else so they could get to the console when needed. Surprisingly, the machine didn't take this opportunity to beep loudly, and she settled into the chair opposite Cara's when she was satisfied, thumbing through a copy of The Fifth Elephant. After a bit, however, she looked up to Cara and then cast another glance at Moira.
"You know, I've always meant to ask something," she said. "You got her when you graduated from OFUM, right? But you didn't join the PPC right out of there, did you? So where'd you keep her? I mean, it'd be a bit hard to stop people noticing something like a mini-Balrog."
"You'd be surprised what people don't notice when they choose not to," Cara replied, lowering her book. "Besides, somehow what she is doesn't have an effect in World One, so there wasn't anything to notice. Don't ask me how it works; the best we got from the staff was 'it just does'."
"So nothing suddenly burst into flames or the like?"
"If it did, I was never aware of it." Cara raised an eyebrow at Moira, who ignored her in favour of snoring quietly, fast asleep.
Miriam seemed to accept this, shrugging and going back to her book. "Guess some things are just pointless to question, huh?"
"They are when it's Lord Elrond telling you," Cara muttered darkly.
Her partner considered this for a few moments, flipping through another page, before she gave a wry smile. "Guess I'm lucky I never tried to write fanfic, with how you've talked about him."
There was a little laugh. "Don't get me wrong; if you got on his good side he was lovely, but he hated idiocy. He doesn't mind good fics, either, but... yeah."
"I just never thought I could match up to the genuine article, and figured it'd be disrespectful if I tried but fell short." The younger Assassin shrugged again. "Besides, like I've told you, writing original stuff's more fun."
"Yeah, I know. I've seen you scribbling away often enough."
"Can't help it," Miriam shot back, a little defensively. "It's a bit weird, how the multiverse works, but writing's just something I want to do. Besides, I ran into one of the techies a while back; we were talking about shielding a continuum, so I wouldn't have to worry about -"
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
"...Fics." Miriam sighed, closing her book and running a hand through her hair as she crossed the room to their console. "Let's see what we're killing this time," she muttered to herself, bringing up the intel report. A few moments passed as she just stared at it, then her expression quickly went through the whole range between bewildered and absolutely enraged, her knuckles going white. This didn't take long for Cara to notice, and the older woman put her own book aside.
"Miri? What've we got?"
Miriam took a breath, but it didn't seem to help much. "You're gonna want to see this," she forced out. "Stupid bitch outright says she's not even going to try sticking to canon!"
"She what." Cara stood up slowly and came over to the console. A few moments later, her expression matched Miriam's almost perfectly. "Doesn't know the exact layout of Middle-earth - bitch, there are so many perfectly detailed maps it's not even FUNNY!"
In the ringing silence that followed, there was a relatively quiet [bing]. Cara's fist thudded onto the button to bring up the message. "This had better be good," she hissed. There was a pause. "...Huh. I guess even Upstairs can understand a really bad one when they see it."
That seemed to snap Miriam out of her own rage briefly, as she looked back to the screen curiously, nudging her partner aside to get a better look. True to form, the readout got straight to the point.
[Due to the severe distortions of canon in this fic, I have requested assistance from the Bonsai Mallorn. You will be working with Agent Dayn Aisenhek for the duration of this mission; he should arrive shortly. - S.O.]
As if on cue, they heard a knock at the door the moment she finished reading. "I'll get it," she told Cara, rolling her eyes. "You pick some disguises and see if you can find a good kill point, all right?"
She didn't wait for a response from her partner, snatching up her rapier and practically stalking over to the door, which was thrown open with slightly more force than it had ever done anything to deserve. The man on the other side, however, gave her pause as half her mind absolutely refused to believe what she was looking at while the other half tried desperately to catch up. He was rather tall, with purple skin, green hair and a red beret that announced him as one of Osbert's Raiders. Despite a valiant effort, Miriam failed to break the ensuing silence with anything more eloquent than an utterly baffled "Wha...?"
He flashed her a grin, shifting his well-stuffed backpack into a slightly more comfortable position, and offered his hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Dayn Aisenhek. The Bonsai Mallorn said I was giving Miriam Collins and Cara Fielding a hand on a mission?"
"I'm Miriam," the young woman said, shaking the offered hand but not losing the disbelieving look on her face. "There's got to be some kind of mistake, though."
"Pardon?"
"You look like you've never set foot on Arda in your life." Miriam stepped back to let Dayn in from the corridor, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "You tell that Mallorn we're not working with a Pyro who might burn the wrong stuff."
"That's a bit harsh," he protested, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't introduce myself by making personal comments about you."
"You didn't," she agreed, "but this is important."
Cara looked up from the console long enough to regard the two evenly, as Dayn closed the door behind him. "At least give him a chance, Miri," she cut in. "They wouldn't've sent us someone who didn't have a clue."
This got a sigh from the younger woman, and she shook her head. "All right, fine. Let's see what you know; name all the members of the Fellowship of the Ring."
Dayn rolled his eyes, amused. "Does that include the pony, or just Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam?" He flashed Miriam another grin, looking rather pleased with himself. This time he got a slight smile in return, before Miriam shot a look back to her partner.
"Sorry, but I really needed to make sure you knew. This one's not even tried to stick to canon, so everything's all weird. I'll be asking you more questions in the fic though." She led him over to the console with that established, nodding quickly to Cara. "D'you have disguises for us yet?"
"Ooh, a quiz. I love quizzes," Dayn muttered with a cheeky smile, though not loud enough to interrupt Cara as she finished punching buttons and straightened up.
"Yeah. Elves are the stars of this one, so we get to be Elves. Again." She rolled her eyes and headed over to grab her weapons and backpack. "After this many missions, it's getting boring."
"Hey, Elves are cute!" Dayn piped up. "Well... some Elves," he amended after a moment. Miriam just chuckled as she got her own kit in order.
"I guess not everyone can see the appeal," she said to herself, making one last check before she joined her partner. "Well, let's get this over with before Miss I-Don't-Care-About-Canon ends up destroying Arda or something."
Cara smiled slightly and nodded at Dayn. "Isn't that why our new friend's here?" He grinned back and gestured for them to go through the portal.
"Ladies first."
"Nice to meet someone with some manners," she murmured, stepping through and feeling the now-familiar elven form settle around her.
"Maaaaybe," he replied, trying to look innocent as he followed Miriam through. "Or maybe I was letting you find trouble first."
"Charming, really." The trio were immediately greeted by a low growl, as the mini-Balrog Gorgroth bounded over to the portal and looked up at them almost expectantly. Miriam sighed and directed him back into the RC before she shot a disapproving look at the uncanonical city they found themselves in, already fetching out a notepad and jotting down charges. "I trust you can tell us what's wrong with this picture, Dayn?"
"Apart from the fact there's a thieves' den type city in what's supposed to be Mordor? A multicultural or multiracial one too, by the look of it." He leaned against a nearby vaguely defined building, looking pleased at the slight nod of approval from his quizmistress.
Cara fidgeted slightly, looking tempted to rummage in her bag for the DORKS. "I should've made us something ugly," she said to nobody in particular. "This place doesn't seem to like Elves."
"We'd just have to change again," Miriam pointed out. "Let's find Legolas - or 'Golas', whatever; who's this bint think she's kidding? - and get on with things before I get tempted to charge for turning the Plateau of Gorgoroth into something I'd expect from Ankh-Morpork."
Luckily, that didn't prove difficult. The son of Thranduil came into view after maybe a minute's walking through barely-described yet somehow seedy streets, flanked by an attendant named Nasalos. By the look of things, he was back to acting like a stereotypical troublemaker and delinquent type, as the Words went on about how he loved the shadier parts of the "Outer Lands" and was most assuredly up to no good. Nasalos was apparently there on Thranduil's behalf, to stop Legolas doing anything too stupid. Miriam rolled her eyes at the exposition, only to come to a sudden halt, waving for her partners to do likewise. "We should probably find a place to get out of the way. Unless you want to be in the open when a gang of angry Uruks comes running through?"
"...No thanks." Dayn dived for a nearby alley. After a moment, he stuck his head back out, beaming; it was a rather unusual sight on an Elf. "Come on, it's nice and empty down here."
Cara followed, smiling slightly. "It's sort of nice to know there's one of us here who doesn't look about to explode from the stupid," she murmured to Miriam.
"He'll come round," Miriam fired back, just as Legolas and Nasalos ran past the alley with several infuriated Uruks and a mini-Balrog in hot pursuit. Dayn's good spirits seemed to be contagious, however, as the youngest of the trio of Agents wore a faint smile even as the mini - Uruk-kais - came trotting over and instantly took a liking to them, loudly resisting any attempts to escort him through a portal or generally move him from Cara's side. Miriam soon got the idea, eventually rolling her eyes slightly as she poked her head out of the alley to make sure the coast was clear. "All right, fine," she said, heading back out into the street. "It can stay with us if someone keeps an eye on it. Let's just catch up with Legolas; the Uruks've all left."
"Mm?" Dayn looked up from where he was sitting and playing with Uruk-kais, clearly finding the mini rather cute. "Going already? Aww, fine." He hauled himself up carefully, hoisted his backpack up a little and followed, humming a tune.
He almost walked into Cara's back as she stopped dead. "Oops, careful."
She barely acknowledged him, being far more distracted by Legolas and his buddy disguising themselves in "female robes" in order to sneak out of the town. Due to lack of any other description, the "robes" defaulted to rather Arabian-looking hijab styles. "What. Just... what? Mordor does not equal the Middle East!"
Miriam busied herself with amending one of her earlier charges and relied on the Words to let her follow the Elves, who were somehow blending in with a crowd that had gone into hiding. "It's just going to get dumber from here," she said, a hint of resignation in her tone. "How much stuff do you have, Dayn? You'll have a lot to burn."
He gave her a radiant smile. "Enough, I expect. It's been a while since I was last here, though." Stretching nonchalantly, he added, "But that just means you point out what to burn and I do it. It's standard operational procedure for the other stuff I've been called out to help with."
Miriam smiled back, relaxing a little as they followed Legolas to the city walls and the group of Elven warriors waiting outside. "That sounds fair enough," she said, half-listening to the conversation ahead of them and half looking forward in the Words. "While we're here, though... you know what's wrong with Legolas having just stolen the Nauglamír from a bunch of Uruks?"
Cara's head snapped round. "He what." There was a blur as she lunged towards the group of Elves... and another one as Dayn, with the ease of long practice, caught up and got her into an armlock.
"Probably not a good idea to attack them just yet," he commented mildly. "We've a fic to get through."
She spluttered with outrage for a few seconds, then relaxed enough to reply through gritted teeth. "Could you pass me my copy of Fellowship, please?"
"As long as you're not going to throw it at anything." He dug it out of her bag and handed it over, looking sympathetic as she hit her forehead with it several times. "Percussive therapy?"
"That works." She stalked back to Miriam with a resigned sigh.
Dayn followed, though not without getting a good eyeful of the Elves first. "Er, you were saying?" he asked Miri. "I got distracted."
"I'm not going to have to run back to HQ for some Anti-Lustin, am I?" Miriam put her rapier away, if hesitantly, and nodded to the group of Elves. "I was asking why that breaks canon."
He pouted at the mention of Anti-Lustin, but gave the group another glance. "Um... because it... er, hang on, I do know this..." It took a few moments of snapping his fingers in frustration and listening to the Elves talk before his face lit up. "Silmaril! That's it. Should be a star by now, right? Never went anywhere near Mordor." He gave her a hopeful look.
She nodded. "That's right. The Silmaril on the Nauglamír was the one Eärendil returned to Valinor when he sailed over to request the Valar's aid against Morgoth, and they put it in the sky as a star. If Legolas - or anyone, really - has it, something's very wrong here."
"Your powers of observation are overwhelming me," Cara put in, sarcasm dripping from every word. Dayn gave her a wide-eyed look of innocence.
"She was only helping me," he pointed out. "It's been a while since I read the Silmarillion."
She rolled her eyes and looked back to the elves, who were now demonstrating rather uncanonical bullying tactics to ensure Legolas's buddy Nasalos - a rather nervous person, it seemed - would say nothing about the prince's escapades. "Ugh. Let's just keep going, shall we?"
Her partner delayed just long enough to see to Uruk-hais, who proved rather more cooperative than the last mini; Uruk-kais still showed no signs of losing interest in them. "There's a good idea if I've ever heard one," Miriam said dryly, dialling up a portal. After a stop in Rhovanion to pick up yet another mini - Four Age this time - they jumped again, this time emerging in Mirkwood as Legolas was unloading his things on one of Thranduil's advisors. The Elvenking's halls, for lack of any other description, had remained true to canon, so the agents relaxed a little. "At least it's not Mirkwood-in-name-only for once," Miriam conceded.
Cara nodded, looking slightly approving. "It's much nicer this way." She glanced at the solid stone gates, and tugged her companions towards them. "Come on, if they close we'll be locked out and have to portal."
Apparently unconcerned about being hauled around by his temporary partners, Dayn followed along amiably. "Does this mean I won't need to wipe out this area? Cave systems are a bugger to collapse properly."
"You sound like you've tried," Miriam noted as they followed Legolas to his father's throne room. "Still, this place should be fine, which makes things a bit easier for us I guess."
He flashed her another grin - of which he seemed to have an endless supply - and shrugged. "Much easier; I've had to take a few systems down on occasion. Always fun when a canon won't untangle properly until you level a whole cavern."
Miriam looked away from the discussion between the Elvenking and his son long enough to raise an eyebrow. "Sounds like there's a story there. More interesting than how Thranduil plans to ally with a city that shouldn't exist any more?"
Dayn looked over at the two Elves, noting Cara's thunderous expression as he did so, and tilted his head, listening quietly. After a few moments, he boggled. "This should be the Fourth Age, right? If Elrond and Galadriel're gone? So what's he doing talking about Gondolin?" He paused, and a huge grin spread across his face. There was a barely-stifled squee in his voice. "I get to blow up Gondolin?"
"...Yeah, looks like it." Judging by the look in her eyes, Miriam was starting to understand why DOGA was known as the Pyro Department. She listened to Thranduil going on about how they needed to assist King Turgon until his non-canonical daughter was mentioned, taking care to stay close to Cara in case the older woman needed restraining. "That'd be our Sue, I guess. So, Dayn, what was that about blowing up caverns?"
"Hm? Oh... like I said, crossover stuff mostly. Somebody linked up caves from this 'verse with another set of canon caves - can't remember which, though, it wasn't a canon I knew - so the Fellowship could wander through. The fic was mostly set in the other canon, so the caves from here had to go," he concluded with a mock-mournful face.
"Hurrah for crossovers, I suppose." She seemed to think better of asking further, moving aside to let Legolas through as the conversation ended. A bit of walking found them in the Mirkwood Elves' stables, where Legolas was briefing some of his warriors on the assignment his father had given them. Miriam allowed this to go on without comment for a bit, before smiling wryly. "Anyone else getting tired of the phrase 'bash enemy heads'?"
"Yes," Cara grumbled, watching the warriors all agree to go Sue-rescuing with Legolas.
"I'm in!" Tudor said, balling his hands into fists.
"If he's in, then so am I!" nodded Guilen.
"I go where my brother goes," Athlor said with a grin.
Cara blinked, then stifled a giggle and struck a noble pose. "'And you have my bow,'" she quoted, before the giggles overtook her. Miriam shot her a slightly icy look, but she ignored it in favour of trying to stop giggling before the group of Elves heard them. Heard or not, it didn't seem to matter, as the fic jumped ahead once Nasalos appeared and was subsequently volunteered for the mission. The timeskip dumped them in front of the gates at dawn, where Legolas was giving his band of warriors some last instructions before they went off. Nasalos made a brief attempt at convincing Legolas not to take him along, but it was crushed swiftly. Miriam looked uncomfortable for a moment, then spoke up.
"You know, I'm starting to feel a bit bad for Nasalos," she said. "They're just making him their kicking post, really."
Dayn was watching the scene with a look of clear indignance. "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's bullies," he muttered, shooting Legolas a dirty look. "And you should be looking out for your friend, not ignoring the fact he's bothered about this. He didn't even want to go."
Cara sighed. "What can you do? We'll see how things go. He'll probably develop super warrior skills later and save the day or something."
"What he really needs is a hug," Dayn opined, before yelping as the world shifted around them, with a nauseating sense of discontinuity. He flailed wildly, accidentally cracking his knuckles on one of his partners' heads, before landing face down on a grassy hill. "...Ow."
Miriam got up with a groan, rubbing the back of her head, but whatever she'd been about to say was drowned out as the world suddenly began shuddering loudly, the Words busily trying to reconcile canon and warped geography to the sound of frenzied typing. Flashes of sentences - canonical or no - could be seen across the sky for a time, but the outburst from the Word World stopped as abruptly as it started, leaving the agents rather puzzled. However, a scan of the fic quickly revealed the culprit.
The North Downs was a range of hills in the north of Middle-earth, which was an ancient city of the Dúnedain that lay on the south end. It would give them coverage from enemy attacks to rest from their half a day's journey. Once there, the elves unpacked their belongings and drank from the small river that flowed by the forest.
Miriam blinked. Then she blinked again. "Uh... Middle-earth's a city? What?"
Cara sat up, rubbing her elbow and wincing as she cursed for a bit. "You said what now?"
"Middle-earth's a city." Miriam sounded like she was still absorbing that particular bit of insight. "At least, I think that's what it's saying? Search me."
Dayn attempted to roll over onto his back, discovered an impediment in the form of his full rucksack, and opted to sit up instead. "Sounds to me like she's just trying to cram in every place ever mentioned in the books. Which'd be sort of silly, really, given how many of them shouldn't exist if Legolas is around." He gave Miriam a mock-hopeful look. "Am I doing all right with this, or do you still need to quiz me?"
The young Assassin was paying more attention to the Elves' makeshift camp, and went rigid as Legolas looked right at the agents, but relaxed enough to talk when he simply continued his watch and allowed one of the warriors to interrupt him. Uruk-kais, still looking a bit dazed from the Words freaking out, settled down nearby, just far enough away to avoid burning her. "I'm not sure it matters right now," she said, adjusting herself so she was sitting more comfortably. "You could probably start burning at random and still be all right; Valar know it'd be healthier for the canon than what this idiot's doing to it."
The DOGA agent flopped back down and gave her a grin. "Well if you'd like..." He shrugged off his backpack and began rummaging in it till Cara smacked his hand lightly.
"No."
"Aww..." He mock-sulked at her and put away the matchbox he'd pulled out, then sprawled on his back about as unelegantly as an Elf could and made himself comfortable. An indignant exclamation from Cara a few moments later made him jump and sit straight back up. "Whowhatnow?"
"Miri, did you get 'Elves smoking' as a charge?" she said, ignoring him, and then glowering at "Guilen", one of the warriors, who had just made Nasalos drop the book he was carrying. "And 'turning Elven warriors into schoolyard bullies'?"
Miriam gestured absently with her charge list, which was being added to with just about every passing word. "I had that under 'misrepresenting Tolkienverse Elves'. Did you want those bits added anyway?"
Cara shrugged. "...Nah, leave them then. Or make it 'persistently and aggressively misrepresenting Tolkienverse elves'."
"Discworld fan?" Dayn asked absently.
"I've picked up a few. Why, are you?"
"Same here. Friend of mine's keen on them."
"Well, they're good books," Miriam chimed in. "But it's 'persistently and recklessly'." Cara raised an eyebrow, and got a shrug in return. "Hey, Terry and I pretty much grew up on Tolkien, Jacques and Pratchett. I've got a lot of 'em just about memorised."
"You should meet Kayla some time," Dayn murmured, closing his eyes and making himself comfortable.
"The friend of yours you were talking about?" Reasonably sure nothing was about to go horribly wrong with the elves, Miriam allowed herself to shoot a curious look Dayn's way, still mindful of Uruk-kais as the mini decided he could get away with a quick nap while they weren't moving around.
"Yep. Bit smaller than me, she's in the Raiders too, and carries a lot of knives. Say hi if you see her around." He grinned slightly, but was prevented from elaborating as it suddenly began raining. "Oh, hells!" Cara was already scrambling up and looking around for a place to take cover, while Uruk-kais leapt to his feet with a distressed growl, steaming and running round in circles as the downpour hit him. The Elves took shelter in the cave a few yards from their camp, and after a bit of looking Miriam found a spot close by with ample tree cover, more than enough for the Elves not to see them.
"Down there!" With attention sufficiently called to the trees, she waited just long enough for the Elves to disappear into the cave before taking off at a sprint, her three companions not far behind. None of them wanted to be in the rain any longer than they needed to be, especially not with a panicked mini-Balrog around. Luckily, they reached the hiding spot quickly, and the whole group was soon drying off and in a position where they could safely watch Legolas's band. Miriam let herself take a moment to catch her breath once everyone was settled. "Teach me to relax on the job," she noted, with a touch of bitterness.
"Could be worse," Cara noted, wiping her face.
"...How?"
"Could be on Caradhras." Miriam shivered automatically.
"Not a big fan of that place then?" Dayn asked, earning himself a Look.
"I grew up in a desert. Would you be?"
"...No, I'm sorry please don't hit me?" He pretended to cower, giving her a puppy-eyed look somewhat spoiled by the fact he was clearly trying not to giggle.
Miriam looked like she was about to thwap him for a moment, then reconsidered. "...Eh, just this once." She flashed him a quick grin before returning her attention to Legolas and company, who were currently discussing why Gondolin hadn't sent its own warriors to rescue the Sue. "That's actually a good point," she said, almost under her breath. "At least it would be if, you know, Gondolin even existed any more."
Cara looked up, raising an eyebrow at her partner. "Labouring the point a little, aren't you?"
"I wouldn't have to if it didn't keep coming up," came the reply. "This whole bloody fic is just stupid."
"More or less, yeah." Cara's eyes unfocused briefly to check the Words ahead of them. "...And there's a lot of stupid."
"Like the fact Legolas somehow knows what happened in Gondolin when this princess was kidnapped?" Dayn mused, rummaging in his bag and producing an unlabelled bottle of some brightly coloured fizzy drink. "Or the fact he treats this more like a game of chase-the-brat than a serious mission?"
"That's probably because of the fic treating him like a delinquent instead of a member of the Fellowship." The rain let up, but the respite didn't last long, as they were interrupted by a strained groan that seemed to come from the forest itself. Uruk-kais looked up curiously and wandered out of the treeline to investigate, followed by Miriam and the others shortly after.
On they continued toward the Stonewain Valley, which was a long straight valley in the eastern White Mountains. It was made in ancient days by the Men of Gondor, as a route from the quarries beneath Nardol to Minas Anor. Here, they would be safe as they were known in these parts as friends through King Eldarion, who came to rule after the passing of his father, King Elessar.
Their first clue things were about to go badly was the sky turning urple. The second clue was when the ground began to shake with such ferocity all four of them were thrown off their feet, great fissures opening up in the earth as the wind began to howl loudly enough it seemed Arda itself was screaming in pain. Miriam was the first to regain some kind of footing, helping her partner and Dayn up while the rumbling continued, the trees around them either collapsing, splintering apart or simply vanishing as the sky began rapidly flashing between just about every colour in the Suvian spectrum. "Uh, someone tell me this was supposed to happen? Please?"
Cara, rather shaken by this sudden turn of events, was hanging onto her partner to keep her balance. "I have no idea, but it looks bad!" she shouted over the wind, trying to stand upright and avoid the splinters being blown their way. Dayn, by contrast, was rather calm, if no longer clowning around.
"World's being twisted so much it's breaking apart," he called back, digging for his RA. "We can't stop around picking up charges now - just going to have to get to the Sue and take her out before everything breaks." He pulled them into a crouch, where it was easier to keep their balance, and looked at them both with a serious expression. "And we're going to need a plan of action, fast. Where are we jumping to, and who's going for the Sue?"
Miriam looked up, her eyes unfocussing in an attempt to scan the Words. This was to no avail at first, as the Words twisted themselves around too much for legibility when they were even visible, but eventually they appeared again. They had become fiery, in a font that rather resembled the letters on the One Ring, but she was still able to make them out, reading as quickly as she could; she somehow doubted the world would hold up long enough for any detailed analysis.
Finally, she looked back to her partners and the terrified mini-Balrog huddling up to them, nodding to herself. "The Sue shows up about halfway through the next chapter, after Legolas's gang goes from West Beleriand to the Lonely Mountain in a night, where Thorin's still hanging out, and then through northern Beleriand, to Dunharrow in Rohan. I can snatch her when Legolas gets her away from the kidnappers for a bit, but what're you guys gonna do?" She shot Dayn a meaningful look. "And what's going to happen when the Sue's dealt with? You sound like this -" she dodged a flying chunk of oak - "has happened to you before!"
He nodded slightly and passed her the RA. "Get us there then. You know where we're aiming for." With a quick glance at Cara, he added, "We'll take care of the other Elves. They should assimilate or vanish once the Sue's down - and on that note, have a portal ready before you kill her, because you'll have a matter of seconds to get out before everything gets wiped for canon to reboot."
"That sounds really comforting," Cara snapped. "What if we get caught in it?"
"I doubt it." He flashed her a quick smile, completely self-assured in the face of the danger. "Unless Miriam can read the charge list at lightspeed, we'll be out of the danger zone before she finishes it."
"...Oh. Okay." She still wasn't happy, but it was some form of reassurance at least. Miriam didn't seem entirely convinced either, shooting some of the remaining forest a look as it suddenly came to life and began performing a Russian dance.
"How long are we going to have?" She wasn't doing a very good job of keeping the nervousness out of her expression. "I somehow doubt it's going to end well if the Sue's still here when Arda goes all system-crashy."
Dayn glanced around, holding his hair out of his face with one hand. "Well, according to the Reality Dysfunction Index, this looks like stage six heading to seven - maximum of an hour it'll hold together, but I wouldn't push things given how quickly it's all gone to hell. If we move quickly we should be fine, though." He gave her a calm little smile. "Don't worry. I'm not going to let us get finished by this."
"If you do, I'll kill you." Miriam's smile faltered for a second, and she took a deep breath before giving them another look. Having nerved herself up enough, she hugged both of her partners in turn and nearly gave Uruk-kais a pat on the head before she thought better of burning her hand. She settled for giving him a confident little smile and tossing him some bacon from her pack. "All right, everyone ready to kick this Sue's ass?"
"Soon as you open the portal," Cara said pointedly, straightening up and immediately stumbling with the force of the wind. Luckily Dayn steadied her before she fell over him, looking faintly amused.
"Careful," he said lightly. "Last thing I want is to carry you out of here." She rolled her eyes at him, but didn't complain about the help. "Oh, and Miriam? Good luck." He gestured her through as the portal opened.
"You too," Miriam shot them a last wry smile. "I don't want to have to drag either of you to Medical, or anything like that."
Nobody replied. They were all too busy running.
***
The Ossiriand Elves' camp was in chaos. Legolas's attempt at stealth failed when the sky turned a disgusting shade of purple and the earth split open, swallowing up fully half the tents and every Elf that didn't get out in time. What was supposed to be a silent rescue became a melee as the guards spotted him and the Elf-prince's men rushed to his aid. The Elves of Ossiriand had superior numbers despite their loss, but Legolas and company had fighting experience and surprise on their side, two of them firing arrows into the crowd while the rest charged forward, laying into the princess's captors with swords and fists. It wasn't enough to guarantee victory, but it made the fight more even and took attention off the prince of Mirkwood.
A rain of orcish blood began to fall, met with gouts of flame from the broken earth, and Legolas slipped through the remains of the camp as combatants fell, were burned, or simply disappeared entirely. Two of the kidnappers spotted him, but were struck down by one of his warriors - Tudor, the most warlike of the lot - as he finally located Princess Nadira's tent and slipped inside.
Perhaps that would have been the end of things, had a third party not joined the fray. A blue doorway appeared and four figures - three Elves and a very small Balrog - dashed through, one of the Elves breaking off from her companions and heading straight for the tent as the two royals came tumbling out through a slash in its side.
The two Elves tumbled outside onto the grass. Legolas quickly got to his feet and helped the princess so that they could escape. "We need to go, right n-"
"No you don't!" Miriam took to the air for a heartbeat as she reached the two Elves, her foot lashing out and striking Legolas clean in the face. There was a crack, and the Prince of Mirkwood slumped, unconscious. The Assassin didn't stop, turning to face Nadira and seizing her before she started dialling up a second portal.
"Golas!" She looked up at the voice and immediately stepped back, cringing just a little. King Henry VIII was charging towards her, sword raised, and without time to draw her own blade the young woman made a weak attempt at hiding behind the Sue, her eyes closing of their own accord.
However, the blow she was expecting never came, as the overweight King of England was abruptly yanked backwards by his collar with a choked-off bellow of rage. As he stumbled and fell, Dayn appeared in Miriam's view and promptly began wrestling with Henry in a bid to get the sword off him. "Get going!" he shouted, giving the irate monarch a swift knee in the groin. Miriam nodded and took off, with the protesting Sue in tow as she ran through the portal.
The canonical Gondolin, unfortunately, was in even worse shape than it was supposed to be during Morgoth's attack. The moment Miriam and Nadira stepped through they had to duck, as a nearby building shook itself apart, launching various pieces of debris at the walls with such force even a graze would have decapitated either woman. Not far ahead of them, an urple cloud had descended upon a section of wall and the city beyond, where it was devouring Gondolindrim and orcs alike. Further in the distance, a Godzilla-sized Fëanor had appeared and was currently in mid-rampage. Parts of the walls crumbled to dust under their feet, and Gothmog and Ecthelion passed overhead, so bewildered they temporarily forgot their duel.
Nadira made no attempt at escape, regarding the whole scene with silent horror. Her blue eyes took in every detail, even though she seemed oblivious to Miriam's presence. Every scream or sound of part of the city being annihilated forced her to shudder, and she only looked back at her captor when the woman positioned her at the very edge of the wall, overlooking the Caragdûr. "Wh-what have you done to my father's realm?!" Her horror turned to fury, hands balling into fists as she regarded the strange elf. "Traitor! KINSLAYER!"
A blow across the face from Miriam almost knocked her right off her feet, cowing the Princess of Gondolin even before her captor began to shake her. "Bitch, this was all you! Now listen up, because by Eru I am not repeating myself!" The Sue stopped resisting, so Miriam let her go, one hand flipping out her notepad and the other taking out her portal device. "Princess Nadira of Gondolin, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following: Being a Mary Sue; claiming descent from Turgon of Gondolin; distorting the characters of... well, everyone in the Tolkienverse, really; horribly mangling the geography and history of Arda; persistently and recklessly misrepresenting Tolkienverse elves; making Legolas use a really dumb alias he doesn't need; creating several mini-Balrogs..."
She trailed off as a group of orcs in tutus appeared nearby, and promptly started a waltz. "...And a lot of other things, but let's just settle for warping Arda so badly it is literally ripping itself to shreds. Now, I'm supposed to offer you last words, so make 'em damn good." The Assassin punctuated her statement by forcing a portal open, still glaring daggers at Nadira.
Gondolin's supposed princess tried for dignity, but the situation really didn't allow for it. "You can't do this," she stammered. "This is madness!"
Had she more time, Miriam might have thought of a worthy quip, or at least gone to one of the classics. As it stood, she simply shot the Sue a look, then another to the city that was falling apart behind them. What she settled for was probably a touch anticlimactic, but certainly reliable enough. "Yesitisbyenow!"
Her kick hit Nadira in the chest and sent her screaming over the edge; the Assassin didn't even wait to see her die, immediately jumping through the portal at her side. A few seconds later, there was a great noise that shook Arda to the core. It couldn't really be transcribed, but sounded closest to a resounding FAZAAM.
Then everything went grey, as the reboot began.
***
The atmosphere in the RC was less than welcoming when she arrived. Dayn was on one side of the room, mentally kicking himself for having removed his disguise, while Cara was in the middle, hands held out reassuringly as she tried to explain things to none other than Nasalos, who had his back pressed against the wall and was still clutching a book, staring in mild panic at everything around him.
Miriam hesitated. "...Uh, what did I miss?"
Dayn looked rather sheepish, but also slightly defiant. "I couldn't just leave him there after all that, and we didn't exactly have time to explain before we had to get out..."
"What did you do?!" Nasalos managed. "My prince, the warriors, Princess Nadira... and the world going strange colours - and you changed your appearances!"
"You have an astounding grasp of the painfully obvious," Cara muttered.
"Hey, be nice. He's practically in shock, snapping at him won't help." Dayn was giving the bewildered elf a sympathetic look. Cara sighed and began attempting to get everyone to sit and calm down a little.
About half an hour later, Nasalos was still clinging to his book, but at least he was listening and rational enough to comprehend the explanations about what he'd witnessed.
"So I'm never going to be able to go back, am I?" he said eventually, rather subdued. "If I'm not from the... canon?"
Miriam took a moment to think over her response. "Well, you could," she volunteered, "but it wouldn't be the world you knew any more. The true state of the world is more or less completely different from what you lived through; for one, Gondolin and Beleriand wouldn't exist any more by the time of your adventure, let alone be so close to Mirkwood."
Nasalos blinked, the information apparently refusing to pass through his ears to his brain. "They don't exist? Then what... but Princess Nadira..."
"...Was the cause of the whole mess in the first place. What you saw when fighting her kidnappers was the world starting to crack under the strain she was putting on it." Miriam sighed. "Guys, can you help me out here?"
Cara glanced around, then went rummaging through a pile of papers on the table. After a few moments she produced a map of Middle-earth. "Come and take a look at this."
With a nervous glance at the others, Nasalos did so. It took a little while longer to explain, but eventually he sighed and nodded, accepting the situation as being no stranger than anything else he'd seen today. "So what am I to do now?"
"Well, you could take up a post here," Dayn offered, rather gently - the elf was still looking a bit weirded out by him. "We're always on the lookout for more people."
"...Doing what, exactly?"
"Hmm. If you don't wanna do missions, we could always find something for you to do in administration. Paperwork," Dayn clarified at a bemused stare. "You know, books, papers, organising... seems like your thing. Nobody'd laugh at you for it, either; it's an important job."
That seemed to seal the deal, and very soon Nasalos was being shepherded out of the door by Dayn. The Pyro paused in the doorway and turned back to Cara and Miriam. "It's been an interesting time. See you around?" He gave them a hopeful grin.
"Sure, I don't think we'd mind that." Miriam came over, grinning back at least partly out of relief. "Tell us where they put him so we can check on him?"
Dayn threw a look over his shoulder at their recruit, then offered a wry smile. "I think I can manage that. Anything else?"
"Actually, there was one more thing..." The young woman hesitated for a moment, before tugging him down a bit so she could give him a quick peck on the cheek. "That's for back at the camp," she explained, stepping back and adding a mock-glare after a moment. "Tell anyone I did that, though, and I'll feed you to Shelob, hear me?"
He pulled a face of mock terror, then grinned again and winked at her. "Sure. I can keep a secret." With a nod to Cara and a little bounce, he was off down the corridor with Nasalos trailing behind.
"Well, that was a spectacular screwup," Cara muttered, slumping into a chair.
"Yeah..." Miriam followed suit just as soon as she could get her things put away, but sat up straight almost immediately. "Did you guys remember to pull the mini out?"
"Um... yeah..." Cara's tone was slightly shifty. "But he... sort of didn't want to get sent away with the others." On cue, Uruk-kais poked his head out from underneath the fireproof blanket on Moira's bed. Luckily Moira herself was still asleep and had raised no objections to the situation. "I think he wants to stay."
Uruk-kais fixed Miriam with a pleading, puppy-eyed expression, or at least the nearest equivalent possible on a miniature fire demon. Despite a valiant effort to remain stone-faced, she soon gave in. "Oh, all right, but if he sets my stuff on fire he's getting a one-way portal to the Sun."
The little demon let out a happy growl and would have flared up in celebration had he not been under the blanket, drawing a quiet laugh from Cara. "He doesn't seem to have a problem with that," she noted dryly.
"Guess not, but something tells me I'm going to regret this first time I have to clean soot off the walls." Miriam raised an eyebrow, but Uruk-kais managed to look positively angelic, settling down comfortably under the blanket again, and the population of RC #96 was officially increased by one.
Just another ordinary day in HQ.
---
Authors' Notes: (Kyle) Well, that was interesting. We didn't really mean to take so long on this, but we went through a couple of fics that didn't give us much to work with and a bit of a span of time where there wasn't much motivation to write. Then when we do find one it turns out, realistically speaking, the bint would wreck Arda by the time chapter one's done. Talk about a spanner in the works, but I thought it was more fun to write up than just following Legolas and company around for twelve really long chapters. It's always nice to shake up the formula now and then by having something Go Horribly Wrong. As for Nasalos, I dunno, we felt a bit too bad for him to just leave him there, so there you go. Not 100% on what we'll do with him yet, but my thought's making him a shared NPC, or maybe adoptable; poor lad's getting a proper name - we're thinking Penidhren - and getting put to work as a DIC Archivist. Few minutes in a Reality Room should sort out his eye colour, too. Uh... I forgot what else I was supposed to say here, but yeah. Hope everyone enjoys reading this. Feedback is, as always, appreciated.
(Cassie): It's always annoying when we sit poking for months at a mission that's going nowhere, but the days when we get a brainwave and spew masses of mission out onto the page so make up for it. The past few days have been great fun; I've been looking forwards to using Dayn in a mission for a while now after spending the last year or so developing his character, and the mission itself was enormously fun to plan out and write once we figuerd out where to take it. Seconding Kyle's comments re: Nasalos, too. Poor lad deserved better treatment. Hope y'all enjoyed reading this as much as we (eventually) enjoyed writing it. Cassie out.
Cara Fielding and Miriam Collins will return in: The Sporking of the Fans
Warnings: There is some violence due to the nature of the PPC, but nothing very graphic. Some adult language scattered around.
This mission is set in January 2011, though the missions alluded to happened - without the reports being published as of now - back in 2010.
There weren't many people who could honestly say they liked being called up to the Sunflower Official's office, primarily because there was more often than not a very specific reason for it. The Flowers didn't make social calls, so if you found yourself with a sudden appointment, it was generally because Upstairs either needed something from you, or you'd messed up in such a way that they'd seen fit to chew you out over it. Neither option tended to be pleasant, so the average agent was reluctant at best when it came to visiting their employers; the exceptions often involved either a particularly brain-breaking fic, demands for a holiday/raise/both, a flamethrower, or some combination of all three.
Agents Cara Fielding and Miriam Collins weren't often in their Head of Department's office, mostly because they tried their best to make sure there was no reason for them to be there, but sometimes it just couldn't be avoided. Today, unfortunately, had turned out to be one of those times; they'd received the call less than an hour after their last mission report had been submitted, and now the younger of the two women was doing her best to blend into what scenery the office had and let her partner do the talking. Or arguing, which was probably the more apt descriptor.
There is a very specific reason we require a charge list to be filled out prior to assassination, the Sunflower said. If our agents just ran around slaughtering characters at a whim, we'd risk murdering non-Sues more often than not. You've been with us four years, Agent Fielding; has there been anything in our organisation's regulations that indicated such behaviour was acceptable?
"Screw that, you know what you sent us into!" Cara snapped. She was clearly not intimidated by the Flower's lecture, or the psychic sense of disapproval it was radiating. "If you wanted someone to take that thing carefully, maybe you should have sent it to someone who isn't so bloody bothered about seeing Arda fucked up beyond belief!"
The S.O. remained as unruffled as ever in the face of an irate agent, waiting until Cara was finished speaking. If you weren't bothered about such things, you wouldn't have taken the job, would you? It's no excuse for not even bothering to collect or read out a charge list during a mission.
"I did my best at first, but -" Apparently too wound up by this to even try to think of an explanation, Cara simply swore, comprehensively and at some length.
After several moments of this, Miriam finally gathered the courage to speak up, stepping out from behind her partner and waiting until the Sunflower turned his bloom to her. "Uh, sir," she started, "even with portal tech and the like, I think we would've been in that fic for years if we tried to do it properly. Maybe we did a few things wrong, but it was that or sitting through all of Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion with the Sue just thrown in."
"Not frigging likely," Cara cut in, still fuming. "There was more than enough to justify an early kill. So we forgot the damn charge list. It was a one-off due to me being sodding pissed off." She put her hands on the S.O.'s desk and leaned forwards a little. "And given the choice, would you rather things turned out this way, or that I turned up after the mission with a flamethrower?"
If it was possible for a being with no actual facial features to look completely unimpressed, the S.O. managed it. There was a long moment of silence, and then a psychic sigh. Now, if you're quite finished with the dramatics, I would be willing to admit it was not reasonable to expect an agent pair to sit through the entire works of Tolkien before carrying out their mission. However, I had better not get another report of you two abandoning PPC regulations unless it is somehow necessary. If I do, you will be disciplined. Do I make myself clear?
From the expression on her face, Cara was clearly longing to unleash another round of expletives. After a few moments, however, she closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and managed to relax enough to say, "Yes, sir," without making it sound as though she wanted to rip out his petals.
The Head of the DMS regarded the two women silently for a moment, then nodded his bloom. Then you have no further reason to be in my office.
"No sir," Miriam replied, quietly. She was already edging towards the doorway by the time the S.O.'s words touched their minds.
Cara remained still for a few moments, eyeing her boss with her arms folded. "If I were you, sir, I'd make sure we didn't get a mission like that again, even if you secretly get a kick out of watching us scrape the edges of our sanity. Just so you know." With that, she turned on her heel and marched out of the doorway. "Come on, Miri."
Miriam followed after her silently, all too eager for an excuse to get away from the Flower; over a year of PPC work still hadn't taught her how to stand up to her boss. However, it had taught her that bugging Cara when she was already in a foul mood wasn't the smartest of ideas, so it was quite a while before she said anything. "You okay, Cara? I haven't seen you so pissed since the mission with that half-Elf, or the Kinslayers."
The mention of the latter drew an unconscious shudder out of the young woman. The sheer number of non-canons involved had forced them to call in DIA backup, and it turned into more of a battle than an assassination when they made their move. Even running into Himrod again hadn't made it any more pleasant to deal with, especially considering the mood the former Assassin had been in.
"Me? I'm fine." Cara's voice was a lot calmer now. "I'm just fed up of him jumping all over us with the bloody rulebook. He knows what I'm like."
"I guess so." Miriam kept her voice neutral. "That fic was just insane; not saying I blame you for cutting it off, just that it's been months since I saw a fic get you that mad. We didn't even get a puppy out of it, like with Menelwen." She couldn't help a smile at that, despite a token attempt to hide it.
Cara rolled her eyes. "You and puppies. I swear, hearing you squee when you saw it was embarrassing."
Miriam had the courtesy to blush a little. "I couldn't help it; he was adorable. It's not like I tried to make you keep him or anything; brought him to Terry's friend like I said I would. The New Caledonia city's just better for a dog." Of course, that hadn't stopped her from visiting said friend whenever she had the opportunity, as both women knew.
There was a little chuckle, and Cara shook her head slightly. "I know, I know. It was just the shock of hearing a noise like that coming from you. Still, no harm done... and at least you got it out of here before Steph saw it."
The younger Assassin laughed a little, grinning. "We never would've got it away from her."
"Exactly. Bad enough she's already got Moira, and one of her other friends has something small and fluffy that his mum usually keeps in their RC... yeah, she doesn't need extra." Cara smiled fondly.
"Only so much cuteness a person can take before they keel over, anyway." Miriam relaxed and kept an eye out for their RC as she continued with the banter.
"I noticed," Cara murmured dryly, giving Miriam a sidelong look, before stopping short and opening the door on her left. "Bloody thing sneaked up on us again."
"At least I'm getting better at finding it," Miriam pointed out with a mock-proud expression, following her partner inside. RC #96 was in much the same condition as they'd left it, which was to say they'd barely put their things down from the mission before the call came down. This didn't leave the RC looking much different than usual, with the main exception of their kit having been mostly dumped in front of the console and generally appearing as if its occupants had left in a hurry. Moira looked up from her bed as the two came in, and gave a welcoming - if slightly tired-sounding - hiss.
Cara's expression immediately softened, and she gave the mini a fond little smile. "Sorry about waking you up, sweetie." There was a forgiving little growl, and Moira disappeared under her fireproof blanket. The agent laughed quietly and flopped into her chair. Miriam set to organising their things now that she had a chance, if nothing else so they could get to the console when needed. Surprisingly, the machine didn't take this opportunity to beep loudly, and she settled into the chair opposite Cara's when she was satisfied, thumbing through a copy of The Fifth Elephant. After a bit, however, she looked up to Cara and then cast another glance at Moira.
"You know, I've always meant to ask something," she said. "You got her when you graduated from OFUM, right? But you didn't join the PPC right out of there, did you? So where'd you keep her? I mean, it'd be a bit hard to stop people noticing something like a mini-Balrog."
"You'd be surprised what people don't notice when they choose not to," Cara replied, lowering her book. "Besides, somehow what she is doesn't have an effect in World One, so there wasn't anything to notice. Don't ask me how it works; the best we got from the staff was 'it just does'."
"So nothing suddenly burst into flames or the like?"
"If it did, I was never aware of it." Cara raised an eyebrow at Moira, who ignored her in favour of snoring quietly, fast asleep.
Miriam seemed to accept this, shrugging and going back to her book. "Guess some things are just pointless to question, huh?"
"They are when it's Lord Elrond telling you," Cara muttered darkly.
Her partner considered this for a few moments, flipping through another page, before she gave a wry smile. "Guess I'm lucky I never tried to write fanfic, with how you've talked about him."
There was a little laugh. "Don't get me wrong; if you got on his good side he was lovely, but he hated idiocy. He doesn't mind good fics, either, but... yeah."
"I just never thought I could match up to the genuine article, and figured it'd be disrespectful if I tried but fell short." The younger Assassin shrugged again. "Besides, like I've told you, writing original stuff's more fun."
"Yeah, I know. I've seen you scribbling away often enough."
"Can't help it," Miriam shot back, a little defensively. "It's a bit weird, how the multiverse works, but writing's just something I want to do. Besides, I ran into one of the techies a while back; we were talking about shielding a continuum, so I wouldn't have to worry about -"
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
"...Fics." Miriam sighed, closing her book and running a hand through her hair as she crossed the room to their console. "Let's see what we're killing this time," she muttered to herself, bringing up the intel report. A few moments passed as she just stared at it, then her expression quickly went through the whole range between bewildered and absolutely enraged, her knuckles going white. This didn't take long for Cara to notice, and the older woman put her own book aside.
"Miri? What've we got?"
Miriam took a breath, but it didn't seem to help much. "You're gonna want to see this," she forced out. "Stupid bitch outright says she's not even going to try sticking to canon!"
"She what." Cara stood up slowly and came over to the console. A few moments later, her expression matched Miriam's almost perfectly. "Doesn't know the exact layout of Middle-earth - bitch, there are so many perfectly detailed maps it's not even FUNNY!"
In the ringing silence that followed, there was a relatively quiet [bing]. Cara's fist thudded onto the button to bring up the message. "This had better be good," she hissed. There was a pause. "...Huh. I guess even Upstairs can understand a really bad one when they see it."
That seemed to snap Miriam out of her own rage briefly, as she looked back to the screen curiously, nudging her partner aside to get a better look. True to form, the readout got straight to the point.
[Due to the severe distortions of canon in this fic, I have requested assistance from the Bonsai Mallorn. You will be working with Agent Dayn Aisenhek for the duration of this mission; he should arrive shortly. - S.O.]
As if on cue, they heard a knock at the door the moment she finished reading. "I'll get it," she told Cara, rolling her eyes. "You pick some disguises and see if you can find a good kill point, all right?"
She didn't wait for a response from her partner, snatching up her rapier and practically stalking over to the door, which was thrown open with slightly more force than it had ever done anything to deserve. The man on the other side, however, gave her pause as half her mind absolutely refused to believe what she was looking at while the other half tried desperately to catch up. He was rather tall, with purple skin, green hair and a red beret that announced him as one of Osbert's Raiders. Despite a valiant effort, Miriam failed to break the ensuing silence with anything more eloquent than an utterly baffled "Wha...?"
He flashed her a grin, shifting his well-stuffed backpack into a slightly more comfortable position, and offered his hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Dayn Aisenhek. The Bonsai Mallorn said I was giving Miriam Collins and Cara Fielding a hand on a mission?"
"I'm Miriam," the young woman said, shaking the offered hand but not losing the disbelieving look on her face. "There's got to be some kind of mistake, though."
"Pardon?"
"You look like you've never set foot on Arda in your life." Miriam stepped back to let Dayn in from the corridor, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "You tell that Mallorn we're not working with a Pyro who might burn the wrong stuff."
"That's a bit harsh," he protested, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't introduce myself by making personal comments about you."
"You didn't," she agreed, "but this is important."
Cara looked up from the console long enough to regard the two evenly, as Dayn closed the door behind him. "At least give him a chance, Miri," she cut in. "They wouldn't've sent us someone who didn't have a clue."
This got a sigh from the younger woman, and she shook her head. "All right, fine. Let's see what you know; name all the members of the Fellowship of the Ring."
Dayn rolled his eyes, amused. "Does that include the pony, or just Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam?" He flashed Miriam another grin, looking rather pleased with himself. This time he got a slight smile in return, before Miriam shot a look back to her partner.
"Sorry, but I really needed to make sure you knew. This one's not even tried to stick to canon, so everything's all weird. I'll be asking you more questions in the fic though." She led him over to the console with that established, nodding quickly to Cara. "D'you have disguises for us yet?"
"Ooh, a quiz. I love quizzes," Dayn muttered with a cheeky smile, though not loud enough to interrupt Cara as she finished punching buttons and straightened up.
"Yeah. Elves are the stars of this one, so we get to be Elves. Again." She rolled her eyes and headed over to grab her weapons and backpack. "After this many missions, it's getting boring."
"Hey, Elves are cute!" Dayn piped up. "Well... some Elves," he amended after a moment. Miriam just chuckled as she got her own kit in order.
"I guess not everyone can see the appeal," she said to herself, making one last check before she joined her partner. "Well, let's get this over with before Miss I-Don't-Care-About-Canon ends up destroying Arda or something."
Cara smiled slightly and nodded at Dayn. "Isn't that why our new friend's here?" He grinned back and gestured for them to go through the portal.
"Ladies first."
"Nice to meet someone with some manners," she murmured, stepping through and feeling the now-familiar elven form settle around her.
"Maaaaybe," he replied, trying to look innocent as he followed Miriam through. "Or maybe I was letting you find trouble first."
"Charming, really." The trio were immediately greeted by a low growl, as the mini-Balrog Gorgroth bounded over to the portal and looked up at them almost expectantly. Miriam sighed and directed him back into the RC before she shot a disapproving look at the uncanonical city they found themselves in, already fetching out a notepad and jotting down charges. "I trust you can tell us what's wrong with this picture, Dayn?"
"Apart from the fact there's a thieves' den type city in what's supposed to be Mordor? A multicultural or multiracial one too, by the look of it." He leaned against a nearby vaguely defined building, looking pleased at the slight nod of approval from his quizmistress.
Cara fidgeted slightly, looking tempted to rummage in her bag for the DORKS. "I should've made us something ugly," she said to nobody in particular. "This place doesn't seem to like Elves."
"We'd just have to change again," Miriam pointed out. "Let's find Legolas - or 'Golas', whatever; who's this bint think she's kidding? - and get on with things before I get tempted to charge for turning the Plateau of Gorgoroth into something I'd expect from Ankh-Morpork."
Luckily, that didn't prove difficult. The son of Thranduil came into view after maybe a minute's walking through barely-described yet somehow seedy streets, flanked by an attendant named Nasalos. By the look of things, he was back to acting like a stereotypical troublemaker and delinquent type, as the Words went on about how he loved the shadier parts of the "Outer Lands" and was most assuredly up to no good. Nasalos was apparently there on Thranduil's behalf, to stop Legolas doing anything too stupid. Miriam rolled her eyes at the exposition, only to come to a sudden halt, waving for her partners to do likewise. "We should probably find a place to get out of the way. Unless you want to be in the open when a gang of angry Uruks comes running through?"
"...No thanks." Dayn dived for a nearby alley. After a moment, he stuck his head back out, beaming; it was a rather unusual sight on an Elf. "Come on, it's nice and empty down here."
Cara followed, smiling slightly. "It's sort of nice to know there's one of us here who doesn't look about to explode from the stupid," she murmured to Miriam.
"He'll come round," Miriam fired back, just as Legolas and Nasalos ran past the alley with several infuriated Uruks and a mini-Balrog in hot pursuit. Dayn's good spirits seemed to be contagious, however, as the youngest of the trio of Agents wore a faint smile even as the mini - Uruk-kais - came trotting over and instantly took a liking to them, loudly resisting any attempts to escort him through a portal or generally move him from Cara's side. Miriam soon got the idea, eventually rolling her eyes slightly as she poked her head out of the alley to make sure the coast was clear. "All right, fine," she said, heading back out into the street. "It can stay with us if someone keeps an eye on it. Let's just catch up with Legolas; the Uruks've all left."
"Mm?" Dayn looked up from where he was sitting and playing with Uruk-kais, clearly finding the mini rather cute. "Going already? Aww, fine." He hauled himself up carefully, hoisted his backpack up a little and followed, humming a tune.
He almost walked into Cara's back as she stopped dead. "Oops, careful."
She barely acknowledged him, being far more distracted by Legolas and his buddy disguising themselves in "female robes" in order to sneak out of the town. Due to lack of any other description, the "robes" defaulted to rather Arabian-looking hijab styles. "What. Just... what? Mordor does not equal the Middle East!"
Miriam busied herself with amending one of her earlier charges and relied on the Words to let her follow the Elves, who were somehow blending in with a crowd that had gone into hiding. "It's just going to get dumber from here," she said, a hint of resignation in her tone. "How much stuff do you have, Dayn? You'll have a lot to burn."
He gave her a radiant smile. "Enough, I expect. It's been a while since I was last here, though." Stretching nonchalantly, he added, "But that just means you point out what to burn and I do it. It's standard operational procedure for the other stuff I've been called out to help with."
Miriam smiled back, relaxing a little as they followed Legolas to the city walls and the group of Elven warriors waiting outside. "That sounds fair enough," she said, half-listening to the conversation ahead of them and half looking forward in the Words. "While we're here, though... you know what's wrong with Legolas having just stolen the Nauglamír from a bunch of Uruks?"
Cara's head snapped round. "He what." There was a blur as she lunged towards the group of Elves... and another one as Dayn, with the ease of long practice, caught up and got her into an armlock.
"Probably not a good idea to attack them just yet," he commented mildly. "We've a fic to get through."
She spluttered with outrage for a few seconds, then relaxed enough to reply through gritted teeth. "Could you pass me my copy of Fellowship, please?"
"As long as you're not going to throw it at anything." He dug it out of her bag and handed it over, looking sympathetic as she hit her forehead with it several times. "Percussive therapy?"
"That works." She stalked back to Miriam with a resigned sigh.
Dayn followed, though not without getting a good eyeful of the Elves first. "Er, you were saying?" he asked Miri. "I got distracted."
"I'm not going to have to run back to HQ for some Anti-Lustin, am I?" Miriam put her rapier away, if hesitantly, and nodded to the group of Elves. "I was asking why that breaks canon."
He pouted at the mention of Anti-Lustin, but gave the group another glance. "Um... because it... er, hang on, I do know this..." It took a few moments of snapping his fingers in frustration and listening to the Elves talk before his face lit up. "Silmaril! That's it. Should be a star by now, right? Never went anywhere near Mordor." He gave her a hopeful look.
She nodded. "That's right. The Silmaril on the Nauglamír was the one Eärendil returned to Valinor when he sailed over to request the Valar's aid against Morgoth, and they put it in the sky as a star. If Legolas - or anyone, really - has it, something's very wrong here."
"Your powers of observation are overwhelming me," Cara put in, sarcasm dripping from every word. Dayn gave her a wide-eyed look of innocence.
"She was only helping me," he pointed out. "It's been a while since I read the Silmarillion."
She rolled her eyes and looked back to the elves, who were now demonstrating rather uncanonical bullying tactics to ensure Legolas's buddy Nasalos - a rather nervous person, it seemed - would say nothing about the prince's escapades. "Ugh. Let's just keep going, shall we?"
Her partner delayed just long enough to see to Uruk-hais, who proved rather more cooperative than the last mini; Uruk-kais still showed no signs of losing interest in them. "There's a good idea if I've ever heard one," Miriam said dryly, dialling up a portal. After a stop in Rhovanion to pick up yet another mini - Four Age this time - they jumped again, this time emerging in Mirkwood as Legolas was unloading his things on one of Thranduil's advisors. The Elvenking's halls, for lack of any other description, had remained true to canon, so the agents relaxed a little. "At least it's not Mirkwood-in-name-only for once," Miriam conceded.
Cara nodded, looking slightly approving. "It's much nicer this way." She glanced at the solid stone gates, and tugged her companions towards them. "Come on, if they close we'll be locked out and have to portal."
Apparently unconcerned about being hauled around by his temporary partners, Dayn followed along amiably. "Does this mean I won't need to wipe out this area? Cave systems are a bugger to collapse properly."
"You sound like you've tried," Miriam noted as they followed Legolas to his father's throne room. "Still, this place should be fine, which makes things a bit easier for us I guess."
He flashed her another grin - of which he seemed to have an endless supply - and shrugged. "Much easier; I've had to take a few systems down on occasion. Always fun when a canon won't untangle properly until you level a whole cavern."
Miriam looked away from the discussion between the Elvenking and his son long enough to raise an eyebrow. "Sounds like there's a story there. More interesting than how Thranduil plans to ally with a city that shouldn't exist any more?"
Dayn looked over at the two Elves, noting Cara's thunderous expression as he did so, and tilted his head, listening quietly. After a few moments, he boggled. "This should be the Fourth Age, right? If Elrond and Galadriel're gone? So what's he doing talking about Gondolin?" He paused, and a huge grin spread across his face. There was a barely-stifled squee in his voice. "I get to blow up Gondolin?"
"...Yeah, looks like it." Judging by the look in her eyes, Miriam was starting to understand why DOGA was known as the Pyro Department. She listened to Thranduil going on about how they needed to assist King Turgon until his non-canonical daughter was mentioned, taking care to stay close to Cara in case the older woman needed restraining. "That'd be our Sue, I guess. So, Dayn, what was that about blowing up caverns?"
"Hm? Oh... like I said, crossover stuff mostly. Somebody linked up caves from this 'verse with another set of canon caves - can't remember which, though, it wasn't a canon I knew - so the Fellowship could wander through. The fic was mostly set in the other canon, so the caves from here had to go," he concluded with a mock-mournful face.
"Hurrah for crossovers, I suppose." She seemed to think better of asking further, moving aside to let Legolas through as the conversation ended. A bit of walking found them in the Mirkwood Elves' stables, where Legolas was briefing some of his warriors on the assignment his father had given them. Miriam allowed this to go on without comment for a bit, before smiling wryly. "Anyone else getting tired of the phrase 'bash enemy heads'?"
"Yes," Cara grumbled, watching the warriors all agree to go Sue-rescuing with Legolas.
"I'm in!" Tudor said, balling his hands into fists.
"If he's in, then so am I!" nodded Guilen.
"I go where my brother goes," Athlor said with a grin.
Cara blinked, then stifled a giggle and struck a noble pose. "'And you have my bow,'" she quoted, before the giggles overtook her. Miriam shot her a slightly icy look, but she ignored it in favour of trying to stop giggling before the group of Elves heard them. Heard or not, it didn't seem to matter, as the fic jumped ahead once Nasalos appeared and was subsequently volunteered for the mission. The timeskip dumped them in front of the gates at dawn, where Legolas was giving his band of warriors some last instructions before they went off. Nasalos made a brief attempt at convincing Legolas not to take him along, but it was crushed swiftly. Miriam looked uncomfortable for a moment, then spoke up.
"You know, I'm starting to feel a bit bad for Nasalos," she said. "They're just making him their kicking post, really."
Dayn was watching the scene with a look of clear indignance. "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's bullies," he muttered, shooting Legolas a dirty look. "And you should be looking out for your friend, not ignoring the fact he's bothered about this. He didn't even want to go."
Cara sighed. "What can you do? We'll see how things go. He'll probably develop super warrior skills later and save the day or something."
"What he really needs is a hug," Dayn opined, before yelping as the world shifted around them, with a nauseating sense of discontinuity. He flailed wildly, accidentally cracking his knuckles on one of his partners' heads, before landing face down on a grassy hill. "...Ow."
Miriam got up with a groan, rubbing the back of her head, but whatever she'd been about to say was drowned out as the world suddenly began shuddering loudly, the Words busily trying to reconcile canon and warped geography to the sound of frenzied typing. Flashes of sentences - canonical or no - could be seen across the sky for a time, but the outburst from the Word World stopped as abruptly as it started, leaving the agents rather puzzled. However, a scan of the fic quickly revealed the culprit.
The North Downs was a range of hills in the north of Middle-earth, which was an ancient city of the Dúnedain that lay on the south end. It would give them coverage from enemy attacks to rest from their half a day's journey. Once there, the elves unpacked their belongings and drank from the small river that flowed by the forest.
Miriam blinked. Then she blinked again. "Uh... Middle-earth's a city? What?"
Cara sat up, rubbing her elbow and wincing as she cursed for a bit. "You said what now?"
"Middle-earth's a city." Miriam sounded like she was still absorbing that particular bit of insight. "At least, I think that's what it's saying? Search me."
Dayn attempted to roll over onto his back, discovered an impediment in the form of his full rucksack, and opted to sit up instead. "Sounds to me like she's just trying to cram in every place ever mentioned in the books. Which'd be sort of silly, really, given how many of them shouldn't exist if Legolas is around." He gave Miriam a mock-hopeful look. "Am I doing all right with this, or do you still need to quiz me?"
The young Assassin was paying more attention to the Elves' makeshift camp, and went rigid as Legolas looked right at the agents, but relaxed enough to talk when he simply continued his watch and allowed one of the warriors to interrupt him. Uruk-kais, still looking a bit dazed from the Words freaking out, settled down nearby, just far enough away to avoid burning her. "I'm not sure it matters right now," she said, adjusting herself so she was sitting more comfortably. "You could probably start burning at random and still be all right; Valar know it'd be healthier for the canon than what this idiot's doing to it."
The DOGA agent flopped back down and gave her a grin. "Well if you'd like..." He shrugged off his backpack and began rummaging in it till Cara smacked his hand lightly.
"No."
"Aww..." He mock-sulked at her and put away the matchbox he'd pulled out, then sprawled on his back about as unelegantly as an Elf could and made himself comfortable. An indignant exclamation from Cara a few moments later made him jump and sit straight back up. "Whowhatnow?"
"Miri, did you get 'Elves smoking' as a charge?" she said, ignoring him, and then glowering at "Guilen", one of the warriors, who had just made Nasalos drop the book he was carrying. "And 'turning Elven warriors into schoolyard bullies'?"
Miriam gestured absently with her charge list, which was being added to with just about every passing word. "I had that under 'misrepresenting Tolkienverse Elves'. Did you want those bits added anyway?"
Cara shrugged. "...Nah, leave them then. Or make it 'persistently and aggressively misrepresenting Tolkienverse elves'."
"Discworld fan?" Dayn asked absently.
"I've picked up a few. Why, are you?"
"Same here. Friend of mine's keen on them."
"Well, they're good books," Miriam chimed in. "But it's 'persistently and recklessly'." Cara raised an eyebrow, and got a shrug in return. "Hey, Terry and I pretty much grew up on Tolkien, Jacques and Pratchett. I've got a lot of 'em just about memorised."
"You should meet Kayla some time," Dayn murmured, closing his eyes and making himself comfortable.
"The friend of yours you were talking about?" Reasonably sure nothing was about to go horribly wrong with the elves, Miriam allowed herself to shoot a curious look Dayn's way, still mindful of Uruk-kais as the mini decided he could get away with a quick nap while they weren't moving around.
"Yep. Bit smaller than me, she's in the Raiders too, and carries a lot of knives. Say hi if you see her around." He grinned slightly, but was prevented from elaborating as it suddenly began raining. "Oh, hells!" Cara was already scrambling up and looking around for a place to take cover, while Uruk-kais leapt to his feet with a distressed growl, steaming and running round in circles as the downpour hit him. The Elves took shelter in the cave a few yards from their camp, and after a bit of looking Miriam found a spot close by with ample tree cover, more than enough for the Elves not to see them.
"Down there!" With attention sufficiently called to the trees, she waited just long enough for the Elves to disappear into the cave before taking off at a sprint, her three companions not far behind. None of them wanted to be in the rain any longer than they needed to be, especially not with a panicked mini-Balrog around. Luckily, they reached the hiding spot quickly, and the whole group was soon drying off and in a position where they could safely watch Legolas's band. Miriam let herself take a moment to catch her breath once everyone was settled. "Teach me to relax on the job," she noted, with a touch of bitterness.
"Could be worse," Cara noted, wiping her face.
"...How?"
"Could be on Caradhras." Miriam shivered automatically.
"Not a big fan of that place then?" Dayn asked, earning himself a Look.
"I grew up in a desert. Would you be?"
"...No, I'm sorry please don't hit me?" He pretended to cower, giving her a puppy-eyed look somewhat spoiled by the fact he was clearly trying not to giggle.
Miriam looked like she was about to thwap him for a moment, then reconsidered. "...Eh, just this once." She flashed him a quick grin before returning her attention to Legolas and company, who were currently discussing why Gondolin hadn't sent its own warriors to rescue the Sue. "That's actually a good point," she said, almost under her breath. "At least it would be if, you know, Gondolin even existed any more."
Cara looked up, raising an eyebrow at her partner. "Labouring the point a little, aren't you?"
"I wouldn't have to if it didn't keep coming up," came the reply. "This whole bloody fic is just stupid."
"More or less, yeah." Cara's eyes unfocused briefly to check the Words ahead of them. "...And there's a lot of stupid."
"Like the fact Legolas somehow knows what happened in Gondolin when this princess was kidnapped?" Dayn mused, rummaging in his bag and producing an unlabelled bottle of some brightly coloured fizzy drink. "Or the fact he treats this more like a game of chase-the-brat than a serious mission?"
"That's probably because of the fic treating him like a delinquent instead of a member of the Fellowship." The rain let up, but the respite didn't last long, as they were interrupted by a strained groan that seemed to come from the forest itself. Uruk-kais looked up curiously and wandered out of the treeline to investigate, followed by Miriam and the others shortly after.
On they continued toward the Stonewain Valley, which was a long straight valley in the eastern White Mountains. It was made in ancient days by the Men of Gondor, as a route from the quarries beneath Nardol to Minas Anor. Here, they would be safe as they were known in these parts as friends through King Eldarion, who came to rule after the passing of his father, King Elessar.
Their first clue things were about to go badly was the sky turning urple. The second clue was when the ground began to shake with such ferocity all four of them were thrown off their feet, great fissures opening up in the earth as the wind began to howl loudly enough it seemed Arda itself was screaming in pain. Miriam was the first to regain some kind of footing, helping her partner and Dayn up while the rumbling continued, the trees around them either collapsing, splintering apart or simply vanishing as the sky began rapidly flashing between just about every colour in the Suvian spectrum. "Uh, someone tell me this was supposed to happen? Please?"
Cara, rather shaken by this sudden turn of events, was hanging onto her partner to keep her balance. "I have no idea, but it looks bad!" she shouted over the wind, trying to stand upright and avoid the splinters being blown their way. Dayn, by contrast, was rather calm, if no longer clowning around.
"World's being twisted so much it's breaking apart," he called back, digging for his RA. "We can't stop around picking up charges now - just going to have to get to the Sue and take her out before everything breaks." He pulled them into a crouch, where it was easier to keep their balance, and looked at them both with a serious expression. "And we're going to need a plan of action, fast. Where are we jumping to, and who's going for the Sue?"
Miriam looked up, her eyes unfocussing in an attempt to scan the Words. This was to no avail at first, as the Words twisted themselves around too much for legibility when they were even visible, but eventually they appeared again. They had become fiery, in a font that rather resembled the letters on the One Ring, but she was still able to make them out, reading as quickly as she could; she somehow doubted the world would hold up long enough for any detailed analysis.
Finally, she looked back to her partners and the terrified mini-Balrog huddling up to them, nodding to herself. "The Sue shows up about halfway through the next chapter, after Legolas's gang goes from West Beleriand to the Lonely Mountain in a night, where Thorin's still hanging out, and then through northern Beleriand, to Dunharrow in Rohan. I can snatch her when Legolas gets her away from the kidnappers for a bit, but what're you guys gonna do?" She shot Dayn a meaningful look. "And what's going to happen when the Sue's dealt with? You sound like this -" she dodged a flying chunk of oak - "has happened to you before!"
He nodded slightly and passed her the RA. "Get us there then. You know where we're aiming for." With a quick glance at Cara, he added, "We'll take care of the other Elves. They should assimilate or vanish once the Sue's down - and on that note, have a portal ready before you kill her, because you'll have a matter of seconds to get out before everything gets wiped for canon to reboot."
"That sounds really comforting," Cara snapped. "What if we get caught in it?"
"I doubt it." He flashed her a quick smile, completely self-assured in the face of the danger. "Unless Miriam can read the charge list at lightspeed, we'll be out of the danger zone before she finishes it."
"...Oh. Okay." She still wasn't happy, but it was some form of reassurance at least. Miriam didn't seem entirely convinced either, shooting some of the remaining forest a look as it suddenly came to life and began performing a Russian dance.
"How long are we going to have?" She wasn't doing a very good job of keeping the nervousness out of her expression. "I somehow doubt it's going to end well if the Sue's still here when Arda goes all system-crashy."
Dayn glanced around, holding his hair out of his face with one hand. "Well, according to the Reality Dysfunction Index, this looks like stage six heading to seven - maximum of an hour it'll hold together, but I wouldn't push things given how quickly it's all gone to hell. If we move quickly we should be fine, though." He gave her a calm little smile. "Don't worry. I'm not going to let us get finished by this."
"If you do, I'll kill you." Miriam's smile faltered for a second, and she took a deep breath before giving them another look. Having nerved herself up enough, she hugged both of her partners in turn and nearly gave Uruk-kais a pat on the head before she thought better of burning her hand. She settled for giving him a confident little smile and tossing him some bacon from her pack. "All right, everyone ready to kick this Sue's ass?"
"Soon as you open the portal," Cara said pointedly, straightening up and immediately stumbling with the force of the wind. Luckily Dayn steadied her before she fell over him, looking faintly amused.
"Careful," he said lightly. "Last thing I want is to carry you out of here." She rolled her eyes at him, but didn't complain about the help. "Oh, and Miriam? Good luck." He gestured her through as the portal opened.
"You too," Miriam shot them a last wry smile. "I don't want to have to drag either of you to Medical, or anything like that."
Nobody replied. They were all too busy running.
***
The Ossiriand Elves' camp was in chaos. Legolas's attempt at stealth failed when the sky turned a disgusting shade of purple and the earth split open, swallowing up fully half the tents and every Elf that didn't get out in time. What was supposed to be a silent rescue became a melee as the guards spotted him and the Elf-prince's men rushed to his aid. The Elves of Ossiriand had superior numbers despite their loss, but Legolas and company had fighting experience and surprise on their side, two of them firing arrows into the crowd while the rest charged forward, laying into the princess's captors with swords and fists. It wasn't enough to guarantee victory, but it made the fight more even and took attention off the prince of Mirkwood.
A rain of orcish blood began to fall, met with gouts of flame from the broken earth, and Legolas slipped through the remains of the camp as combatants fell, were burned, or simply disappeared entirely. Two of the kidnappers spotted him, but were struck down by one of his warriors - Tudor, the most warlike of the lot - as he finally located Princess Nadira's tent and slipped inside.
Perhaps that would have been the end of things, had a third party not joined the fray. A blue doorway appeared and four figures - three Elves and a very small Balrog - dashed through, one of the Elves breaking off from her companions and heading straight for the tent as the two royals came tumbling out through a slash in its side.
The two Elves tumbled outside onto the grass. Legolas quickly got to his feet and helped the princess so that they could escape. "We need to go, right n-"
"No you don't!" Miriam took to the air for a heartbeat as she reached the two Elves, her foot lashing out and striking Legolas clean in the face. There was a crack, and the Prince of Mirkwood slumped, unconscious. The Assassin didn't stop, turning to face Nadira and seizing her before she started dialling up a second portal.
"Golas!" She looked up at the voice and immediately stepped back, cringing just a little. King Henry VIII was charging towards her, sword raised, and without time to draw her own blade the young woman made a weak attempt at hiding behind the Sue, her eyes closing of their own accord.
However, the blow she was expecting never came, as the overweight King of England was abruptly yanked backwards by his collar with a choked-off bellow of rage. As he stumbled and fell, Dayn appeared in Miriam's view and promptly began wrestling with Henry in a bid to get the sword off him. "Get going!" he shouted, giving the irate monarch a swift knee in the groin. Miriam nodded and took off, with the protesting Sue in tow as she ran through the portal.
The canonical Gondolin, unfortunately, was in even worse shape than it was supposed to be during Morgoth's attack. The moment Miriam and Nadira stepped through they had to duck, as a nearby building shook itself apart, launching various pieces of debris at the walls with such force even a graze would have decapitated either woman. Not far ahead of them, an urple cloud had descended upon a section of wall and the city beyond, where it was devouring Gondolindrim and orcs alike. Further in the distance, a Godzilla-sized Fëanor had appeared and was currently in mid-rampage. Parts of the walls crumbled to dust under their feet, and Gothmog and Ecthelion passed overhead, so bewildered they temporarily forgot their duel.
Nadira made no attempt at escape, regarding the whole scene with silent horror. Her blue eyes took in every detail, even though she seemed oblivious to Miriam's presence. Every scream or sound of part of the city being annihilated forced her to shudder, and she only looked back at her captor when the woman positioned her at the very edge of the wall, overlooking the Caragdûr. "Wh-what have you done to my father's realm?!" Her horror turned to fury, hands balling into fists as she regarded the strange elf. "Traitor! KINSLAYER!"
A blow across the face from Miriam almost knocked her right off her feet, cowing the Princess of Gondolin even before her captor began to shake her. "Bitch, this was all you! Now listen up, because by Eru I am not repeating myself!" The Sue stopped resisting, so Miriam let her go, one hand flipping out her notepad and the other taking out her portal device. "Princess Nadira of Gondolin, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following: Being a Mary Sue; claiming descent from Turgon of Gondolin; distorting the characters of... well, everyone in the Tolkienverse, really; horribly mangling the geography and history of Arda; persistently and recklessly misrepresenting Tolkienverse elves; making Legolas use a really dumb alias he doesn't need; creating several mini-Balrogs..."
She trailed off as a group of orcs in tutus appeared nearby, and promptly started a waltz. "...And a lot of other things, but let's just settle for warping Arda so badly it is literally ripping itself to shreds. Now, I'm supposed to offer you last words, so make 'em damn good." The Assassin punctuated her statement by forcing a portal open, still glaring daggers at Nadira.
Gondolin's supposed princess tried for dignity, but the situation really didn't allow for it. "You can't do this," she stammered. "This is madness!"
Had she more time, Miriam might have thought of a worthy quip, or at least gone to one of the classics. As it stood, she simply shot the Sue a look, then another to the city that was falling apart behind them. What she settled for was probably a touch anticlimactic, but certainly reliable enough. "Yesitisbyenow!"
Her kick hit Nadira in the chest and sent her screaming over the edge; the Assassin didn't even wait to see her die, immediately jumping through the portal at her side. A few seconds later, there was a great noise that shook Arda to the core. It couldn't really be transcribed, but sounded closest to a resounding FAZAAM.
Then everything went grey, as the reboot began.
***
The atmosphere in the RC was less than welcoming when she arrived. Dayn was on one side of the room, mentally kicking himself for having removed his disguise, while Cara was in the middle, hands held out reassuringly as she tried to explain things to none other than Nasalos, who had his back pressed against the wall and was still clutching a book, staring in mild panic at everything around him.
Miriam hesitated. "...Uh, what did I miss?"
Dayn looked rather sheepish, but also slightly defiant. "I couldn't just leave him there after all that, and we didn't exactly have time to explain before we had to get out..."
"What did you do?!" Nasalos managed. "My prince, the warriors, Princess Nadira... and the world going strange colours - and you changed your appearances!"
"You have an astounding grasp of the painfully obvious," Cara muttered.
"Hey, be nice. He's practically in shock, snapping at him won't help." Dayn was giving the bewildered elf a sympathetic look. Cara sighed and began attempting to get everyone to sit and calm down a little.
About half an hour later, Nasalos was still clinging to his book, but at least he was listening and rational enough to comprehend the explanations about what he'd witnessed.
"So I'm never going to be able to go back, am I?" he said eventually, rather subdued. "If I'm not from the... canon?"
Miriam took a moment to think over her response. "Well, you could," she volunteered, "but it wouldn't be the world you knew any more. The true state of the world is more or less completely different from what you lived through; for one, Gondolin and Beleriand wouldn't exist any more by the time of your adventure, let alone be so close to Mirkwood."
Nasalos blinked, the information apparently refusing to pass through his ears to his brain. "They don't exist? Then what... but Princess Nadira..."
"...Was the cause of the whole mess in the first place. What you saw when fighting her kidnappers was the world starting to crack under the strain she was putting on it." Miriam sighed. "Guys, can you help me out here?"
Cara glanced around, then went rummaging through a pile of papers on the table. After a few moments she produced a map of Middle-earth. "Come and take a look at this."
With a nervous glance at the others, Nasalos did so. It took a little while longer to explain, but eventually he sighed and nodded, accepting the situation as being no stranger than anything else he'd seen today. "So what am I to do now?"
"Well, you could take up a post here," Dayn offered, rather gently - the elf was still looking a bit weirded out by him. "We're always on the lookout for more people."
"...Doing what, exactly?"
"Hmm. If you don't wanna do missions, we could always find something for you to do in administration. Paperwork," Dayn clarified at a bemused stare. "You know, books, papers, organising... seems like your thing. Nobody'd laugh at you for it, either; it's an important job."
That seemed to seal the deal, and very soon Nasalos was being shepherded out of the door by Dayn. The Pyro paused in the doorway and turned back to Cara and Miriam. "It's been an interesting time. See you around?" He gave them a hopeful grin.
"Sure, I don't think we'd mind that." Miriam came over, grinning back at least partly out of relief. "Tell us where they put him so we can check on him?"
Dayn threw a look over his shoulder at their recruit, then offered a wry smile. "I think I can manage that. Anything else?"
"Actually, there was one more thing..." The young woman hesitated for a moment, before tugging him down a bit so she could give him a quick peck on the cheek. "That's for back at the camp," she explained, stepping back and adding a mock-glare after a moment. "Tell anyone I did that, though, and I'll feed you to Shelob, hear me?"
He pulled a face of mock terror, then grinned again and winked at her. "Sure. I can keep a secret." With a nod to Cara and a little bounce, he was off down the corridor with Nasalos trailing behind.
"Well, that was a spectacular screwup," Cara muttered, slumping into a chair.
"Yeah..." Miriam followed suit just as soon as she could get her things put away, but sat up straight almost immediately. "Did you guys remember to pull the mini out?"
"Um... yeah..." Cara's tone was slightly shifty. "But he... sort of didn't want to get sent away with the others." On cue, Uruk-kais poked his head out from underneath the fireproof blanket on Moira's bed. Luckily Moira herself was still asleep and had raised no objections to the situation. "I think he wants to stay."
Uruk-kais fixed Miriam with a pleading, puppy-eyed expression, or at least the nearest equivalent possible on a miniature fire demon. Despite a valiant effort to remain stone-faced, she soon gave in. "Oh, all right, but if he sets my stuff on fire he's getting a one-way portal to the Sun."
The little demon let out a happy growl and would have flared up in celebration had he not been under the blanket, drawing a quiet laugh from Cara. "He doesn't seem to have a problem with that," she noted dryly.
"Guess not, but something tells me I'm going to regret this first time I have to clean soot off the walls." Miriam raised an eyebrow, but Uruk-kais managed to look positively angelic, settling down comfortably under the blanket again, and the population of RC #96 was officially increased by one.
Just another ordinary day in HQ.
---
Authors' Notes: (Kyle) Well, that was interesting. We didn't really mean to take so long on this, but we went through a couple of fics that didn't give us much to work with and a bit of a span of time where there wasn't much motivation to write. Then when we do find one it turns out, realistically speaking, the bint would wreck Arda by the time chapter one's done. Talk about a spanner in the works, but I thought it was more fun to write up than just following Legolas and company around for twelve really long chapters. It's always nice to shake up the formula now and then by having something Go Horribly Wrong. As for Nasalos, I dunno, we felt a bit too bad for him to just leave him there, so there you go. Not 100% on what we'll do with him yet, but my thought's making him a shared NPC, or maybe adoptable; poor lad's getting a proper name - we're thinking Penidhren - and getting put to work as a DIC Archivist. Few minutes in a Reality Room should sort out his eye colour, too. Uh... I forgot what else I was supposed to say here, but yeah. Hope everyone enjoys reading this. Feedback is, as always, appreciated.
(Cassie): It's always annoying when we sit poking for months at a mission that's going nowhere, but the days when we get a brainwave and spew masses of mission out onto the page so make up for it. The past few days have been great fun; I've been looking forwards to using Dayn in a mission for a while now after spending the last year or so developing his character, and the mission itself was enormously fun to plan out and write once we figuerd out where to take it. Seconding Kyle's comments re: Nasalos, too. Poor lad deserved better treatment. Hope y'all enjoyed reading this as much as we (eventually) enjoyed writing it. Cassie out.
Cara Fielding and Miriam Collins will return in: The Sporking of the Fans