A Father's Responsibilities
Disclaimers:
- The PPC, the Department of Bad Slash, and Lux do not belong to me; they are the inventions of Jay and Acacia. And I wouldn't want to own Lux anyway. *shudder*
- This hideous travesty fic, A Father's Responsibilities, doesn’t belong to me either. It belongs to darkladyd.
- Lord of the Rings and all characters therein belong to the great J. R. R. Tolkien.
- Pads and Trojie belong to tea_fiend and agenttrojie.
- Sandra and SAVM belong to signed_up.
- Stormsong was created by mahksihed and is mentioned here by permission of chelonianmobile.
- The idea of edible punctuation was first introduced to me by cofmanynames.
- I own Dana and Tarian, who are likely to be complaining about this fic for weeks, and the Mini-Balrog Adoptions Agency (by permission of Miss Cam).
Warnings:
- The fic itself is NC-17; I’ve done my best to strip out the actual smut, but to be on the safe side this mission is labelled NSFW.
- Some mild language, but no more violence than the average Bad Slash mission.
Author’s notes
- So, I decided to try my hand at Bad Slash. Unsure of where to look for a sporkable fic, I decided to poke at the Unclaimed Badfic list on the PPC Wiki, and came across this… thing. Upon reading it (and going “WTF?!” several times), I decided to claim it for my Slash Agents. Rather proud of this decision, I showed the link to Pads and explained the basic plot (ha!) to Trojie. The reactions were, respectively, “that fic is truly atrocious” and “it sounds so brain breaky I certainly wouldn't touch it unless someone asked me nicely”. So, on receiving that kind of response from the two veteran Slashers… *gulp* Basically, I tried my best.
- This mission is set in late April 2009. By this point Dana and Tarian have been working together for about eight months.
- As ever, thank you, thank you, thank you to tea_fiend, my beta-reader, who did this in under two hours despite being crazily busy.
Dana Trent opened the door to her RC, carrying a bag full of supposedly edible food and humming “They’re Taking The Hobbits To Isengard”. The veteran Slasher was in a very good mood, tossing and catching a tennis ball that she always had with her. However, on seeing her youthful partner sprawled in the chair by the console with his hands over his face, she fell silent.
“Oh, Gods. What did they send us now?”
“If you just read the warnings list on it, you’ll find out for yourself,” Tarian replied as he looked up, his brown skin deepening colour a little and making even more of a contrast with his silver-white hair. “I’m not in the right frame of mind to repeat them all.”
“That bad?” She put the bag down, stuffed the ball back in her pocket and wandered over to the console, giving the nineteen-year-old’s shoulder a comforting squeeze on the way. Since joining the PPC, she’d had several partners of varying degrees of sanity and experience, and spent years at a time working alone, but she still thought there were better partners they could have chosen to give Tarian than an Agent who regularly took on graphic smut.
Shaking back her vivid purple hair - natural, not dyed, as she was always having to tell people - she read the warnings and sighed. “Slash… okay, that’s expected, not really a surprise there. Oral, BDSM, incest, please erase it before I have to scrub my brain with Bleepka - oh, that’s the Spy’s comment. Poor Elrond… and his boys, too. Still, I suppose we’d better go and disentangle them.”
“Can’t we send it to someone else?” Tarian ventured, though his expression suggested he knew what the answer was going to be. Dana shook her head.
“Sandra and that possessed vending machine she’s partnered with would flip. They don’t do much NC-17 stuff. Trojie and Pads have enough to do with their kids, and last time I ran into Trojie she was wibbling something about raptors that made me back away very quickly. I'm not sending her this; on top of whatever she had, it might break her. And if you think I’m voluntarily letting Lux anywhere near me, Taz, you’ve snapped.”
The young man sighed, ignoring the nickname, and got up. “All right. What are we taking with us this time? Books or films?” He wandered over to their bookshelf and poked through the rather battered items.
“Books. This girl knows about the twins and Erestor, and there’s no location mentioned other than Rivendell… well, this thing’s basically PWP. Use the omnibus edition, it’s easier than trying to work out when this is set, and get Morgoth’s Ring as well. And grab a carrier bag, there are commas everywhere in this thing.”
“Got it.” He packed the relevant items in the duffle bag he always took on missions, adding a fairly sizeable hand bell and a few candles. Dana picked up her old travelling bag, in which she kept a smallish bell and a few other useful items which she always had with her, and settled it into place over her shoulder.
The immortal woman opened the portal and grinned at her partner. “Onwards, then?”
“I suppose.” He followed her dolefully into the fic.
1. A Father's Responsibilities
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Fic: A Father's Responsibilities
Pairing: Elrond/Elladan, Elrond/Elrohir, Elrond/Erestor, Elrond/Erestor/Elladan/Elrohir
Warning: Nc-17, Farther/Son pairings, Slash
Summery: Elrond decides to teach sons the error of their ways!
Beta by InvisbleElf
I own no elves! **sighs** So please do not sue me!
***I am doing this fic as a request on another group, so warning....This is a Father/Son fic****
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Ow, ow, and let me think, ow.” This contribution, made by Dana, was in response to the row of greater-than signs that had just pelted them. “Please, enlighten me; what’s wrong with a simple trio of asterisks?” she grumbled, rubbing her head and helping Tarian pick up the scattered punctuation. This done, she took out a notepad and pencil, passing them to her partner and taking the carrier bag, now half full, off him.
“Okay, Taz, I hope you haven’t sprained your writing hand, because so far we’ve got three charges from the disclaimer alone.”
“Three? I can only see the two for spelling and grammar.”
“How about the one for claiming to have a beta-reader, when said beta can’t even spell their own name properly?”
“Oh. That one.” He scrawled it down as the scene took shape around them; it was a slightly blurry rendition of the Hall of Fire in Rivendell, empty apart from Elrond, his sons and a couple of featureless figures.
Elrond watched as his twins made there way from the Hall of Fire, with their conquests for the night, and sighed softly in disappointment. Since coming to their majority a full year before, Elladan and Elrohir had been sleeping with anything that sported two legs.
“They’d been doing what?” Dana snorted, watching the twins leave and absently grabbing at the spare comma. “Okay, this is the AU Where All Elves Are Tolerant And… Omnisexual, evidently. Though I can’t see even the most tolerant Elf being willing to shag an Orc… or a Balrog, or maybe an Ent. Can you imagine the kind of logistics that’d be involv-”
“Uuurgh! Dana!” She turned to see her partner looking thoroughly revolted. Too late, she remembered his curse of a painfully graphic imagination. It wasn’t exactly the perfect match for her tendency to speculate out loud about whatever crossed her mind.
“Sorry. I was just thinking about the -” She stopped as he clapped his hands over his ears and began to hum so loudly he was in danger of attracting attention from the room’s sole occupant, Elrond. Hurriedly punching Tarian in the arm, she indicated the half-Elf and made a meaningful face. The young man lowered his arms again, glaring at her.
“I don’t need to hear your frankly weird hypotheses concerning the sex life of every character we have to deal with, okay?”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry…” Dana rolled her eyes as her partner went back to the charge list, occasionally shuddering as he tried to fight off the images going through his head. Not for the first time, she cursed the stupidity of whoever had decided to put someone like him in Bad Slash.
Tarian noted down the charges industriously, pondering why exactly Elrond was thinking about the possibility of having “a city full of illegitimate grandchildren in less than a decade”, when the normal laws of this continnum made such a thing an impossibility. After a few seconds’ wavering, he decided not to ask Dana. She got annoyed when he pointed out the obvious, and he never enjoyed being ranted at.
As he scribbled yet another entry - “Forgetting whether Elrond was meant to be speaking or thinking, thereby using a mix of punctuation that made him do both at the same time” - Erestor’s voice echoed around the Hall, making the Agents jump.
"Granted they have been, shall we say.....busy? But, I do not believe that there are any little peredhel's running around yet, My Lord." Elrond rolled his eyes, as his chief advisor's voice echoed near his ear.
Elrond turned towards his adviser, and long time friend. Elrond breath caught in his throat, he had forgotten just how beautiful his friend was.
"Just pondering the problem, of my wayward twins." Elrond said softly, as he gazed into midnight colored eyes. *And, thinking about ripping your robes off!* Elrond thought to himself, blushing lightly.
Dana pulled a face. “Because of course the only thing an Elf can ever truly think about and concentrate on for more than five seconds is sex. They’re worse than teenage boys. No offence.”
“None taken,” Tarian replied, trying to catch the superfluous punctuation with one hand and hang on to his notepad with the other. “Mind giving me a hand here? - Will you stay still before I eat you?” he added to a particularly evasive comma, just as he managed to catch it.
“There’s a new one on me,” Dana replied, amused, as she rounded up the rest of the little squiggles and dumped them into the plastic bag. “You weren’t serious, were you?” she added, on seeing him still holding it a few moments later.
He gave her a speculative look, then eyed the comma in his hand and took a tentative bite. After a few seconds of chewing, he swallowed it with a rather intrigued expression. “Tastes like caramel.”
“Hmm. Wonder if anyone else has tried it…” Dana peered into the bag, looking rather tempted. “And if they all taste the same.”
“Let’s experiment later,” Tarian said hurriedly, nodding towards Elrond and Erestor as the latter suggested that Elrond seduce his own sons. His partner nodded, rolling her eyes at the canons.
Elrond shivered, as he imagine his twins withering under him. Eln, bn, brave strong Elladan, would be a challenge to conquer.
“Uh, who?” was the dark-skinned young man’s incredibly intelligent comment.
“Eln, bn, apparently. At a wild guess, I’d say the original intention was ‘Elladan’.” The mini-Balrog popped out of the wall and scampered over to them, sniffing around them in hopes of bacon. “Sorry, cutey, no treats here.” Dana opened a little portal, shooing Eln, bn through. “The Adoption Agency’ll take care of him. Poor thing, having a name that mangled.”
“Yeah, yeah, get gushy over minis in your free time,” Tarian grumbled, watching Elrond agree that Erestor’s idea was a marvellous one. “This job sucks.”
“As much as Elrond’s going to?” Dana asked with a wicked twinkle in her eye, before dodging Tarian’s exasperated attempt to punch her in the arm. She took out her RA and opened a portal. “Come on. Let’s at least get past the next chapter’s disclaimer and the timeskip.”
“What’s happening in the next chapter?” he asked warily.
“It’s a party, where Elrond gets drunk and decides he’s straight and doesn’t feel like boinking his sons any more.” She rolled her eyes as he gave her an incredulous look. “This is a Bad Slash mission, you pillock, what do you think’ll be happening? Just shift yourself.” She shoved him through the portal and followed, just in time to see Elladan waking up.
(Two days later) Elladan awoke with a groan, his eyes fluttering open, gazing around his room bleary.
The nondescript room immediately blurred, making it very difficult to see anything properly.
“Double the charge for incompetent betaing,” Dana muttered.
“Already on it, and adding another for giving me a headache,” was the reply.
Spotting his father sitting in a chair next to his bed, "What happened?" Elladan asked in a confused voice.
Elrond smirked, "Nothing. I just drugged you." Elrond said amused as his oldest son's eyes nearly bulged out of his head.
Elladan tried to sit up, or he would have, if he was not chained to his bed. Chained naked, and spread-eagle to his bed, that was.
Tarian immediately whipped round, staring away from the bed as Elladan’s nudity was displayed in all its glory, much to Dana’s amusement. “If you’re going to work in this Department, you’re going to have to learn not to freak out at the sight of a naked man - well, male,” she chuckled, leaning against the out-of-focus wall. “Honestly, nobody’s asking you to enjoy it, just stop getting so embarrassed.”
“Did you ever wonder why the majority of Slashers are female?” he replied, resolutely examining the walls in minute detail as Elrond began to stroke Elladan’s chest. “The only actual male Slasher I know of happens to be a gay anthro weasel, and compared to what he works with, I doubt watching this would faze him all that much.”
“Aw, bless. Tell you what, I’ll see if we can get you a nice Redwall pornfic to make you feel better.” Dana had to duck then, as Tarian made a spirited attempt to hit her around the head with his notebook. “It was just a suggestion!”
“When I feel like taking on badly-researched yiff, I’ll ask to be transferred to the Redwall division. Right now I’ve got enough problems dealing with humanoid anatomy - ouch!”
<
Elladan stared at his father in shock and confusion, just what was his father doing? "Father, I am confused. Just what is going on?" Elladan asked, with a hitch in his voice, as his father's very warm hand touched a sensitive spot.
The less-than sign had clouted Tarian squarely on the head, distracting him from the half-Elven feeling-up going on nearby, but his exclamation had been worryingly loud.
“Will you keep your mouth shut?” Dana hissed, grabbing the punctuation and giving her partner a dig in the side.
“Tell you what, give me that and I’ll hit you on the head with it, then we can see how you’d react.”
“Eru save me from whiny adolescents,” the woman replied, shoving the symbol into the bag before he could snatch it off her.
“I’m not an adolescent!”
“Then stop acting like one and concentrate on the gay porn.”
Shooting her a look of vexation, Tarian made himself look towards the bed, muttering, “Well, there’s irony for you.” A few seconds later, he had to turn away again, this time snorting with muffled laughter as he tried to write something in his notebook.
“You’ve changed your tune,” Dana commented. “What’s the charge?”
“Com-comparing Elrond’s snogging to - to - the Dementor’s Kiss!” Tarian managed between his giggles.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” She scanned the Words.
Slowly Elladan pressed his head back into his pillow, and slowly his father followed him, never letting up on the kiss. ***Damn! He can kiss! It's like he's pulling my soul from my body!** Elladan thought to himself.
The purple-haired woman stared, then cracked up. “I’d say you can’t make this stuff up, but clearly somebody can,” she wheezed, leaning against the wall and holding her sides.
As the kissing continued, both Agents managed to get a grip on themselves and watch with at least a modicum of professionalism, until one line in particular caught their attention.
Elrond was trying to check his son's tonsils, with his tongue!
“Now isn’t that sexy?” Dana deadpanned. “Licking somebody’s tonsils. Why didn’t we think of that?”
“And you asked me why I’ve never tried to get a girlfriend. It’s because I have to sit through this - all day, every day - and listen to your commentary,” Tarian groaned. “Between you and the missions, my idea of relationships is becoming so abnormal I’d probably scare a girl if I tried.”
Dana shrugged. “If you really need a lecture on sex education, you could always ask Trojie.”
“Would this be the same Trojie who doesn’t believe in the existence of heterosexual relationships, except as a theoretical possibility? Not that that’s reinforcing my point about how this job warps you, or anything.”
“If you’re that desperate for a girlfriend, Taz, I’ll contact Lux.”
“Forget I said anything,” was the immediate reply, accompanied by a shudder.
“Really? A boy of your age, no obvious physical problems, no real mental ones other than your job, I’d have thought you'd have had a healthy libido -”
“Whereas Lux has an unhealthy one, so can we please just drop the subject? And for that matter, can we please wait outside now, before this gets any more graphic? Or did you want to stay and ogle?”
“Now that’s unfair.” She fixed him with a disapproving look. “I may appreciate the view, but that doesn’t mean I drool over it.” After a few moments, he wilted and mumbled an apology, which was accepted gracefully through the simple expedient of her bustling the pair of them out of the room. “All right, Taz, catch up with the charges and then we can go and exorcise Elrohir, seeing as he doesn't turn up again.”
Tarian agreed with this enthusiastically, although the moaning and groaning now coming from inside Elladan’s room might have had something to do with that. After a few minutes of frenzied scribbling, the notepad was nearly three pages full and the Agents were prowling the halls of Rivendell. Fortunately, Elrohir wasn’t too hard to locate, being outside the Hall of Fire where the fic had last mentioned him.
A quick whack round the head with the omnibus edition of the trilogy, a few shakes of a bell and a fairly bored “Get thee behind me, Uncanonical Slash, the power of Tolkien compels you!” later, Elrohir remembered nothing other than a bright flash of light and a smallish woman telling him to “keep it in his pants”, whatever that meant.
“Well, that was unexpectedly easy,” Tarian commented, as the Agents made their way back up towards Elladan’s room.
“The author-wraith didn't have enough of a grip on him to make it awkward,” Dana shrugged, wincing slightly at a loud scream.
“What the bloody hell was that?” Tarian yelped, before checking the Words and pulling a disgusted face. “Oh.”
Elladan's scream could be heard through The Last Homely Home, and in his own room down the hallway, Erestor smiled knowingly.
The older of the two Agents rolled her eyes and rummaged for a cereal bar she’d slipped into her bag, munching on it as she read the words and leaving Tarian to deal with the mini. He fumbled with the RA for a bit, trying to remember the co-ordinates, and then portalled the mini-Balrog out of the fic. “How do people manage to get such basic things wrong?” he asked nobody in particular.
“It’s called Not Doing The Research, Taz. Happens a lot in our line of work. Now all we have to do is sit through Erestor being aggressively seductive towards Elrond and we can get the job over with.”
“Oh, joy. Sounds like my idea of a fantastic time,” Tarian deadpanned, shaking his hair out of his face as the third chapter’s disclaimer and warnings bellowed through the Word World loud enough to make their eardrums shake. “…Duck!” He covered his head with his duffle bag as a divider, this time made of asterisks, crashed down around them.
“What - ack!” Slightly too slow to react, his partner was hit several times before the downpour stopped. “Ow…”
“I did tell you to watch out,” the white-haired boy said mildly, beginning to scoop up the punctuation. Dana shot him a dirty look, stepping to one side as Elrond emerged from Elladan’s room and made his way down the hallway past them without giving either a glance.
Before the immortal woman could think up a retort for her partner, Elrond was abruptly yanked into another room down the hallway and the door closed behind him. “Oh, dear. Portal in?” she suggested, dropping the argument before it began.
“Do we have to?” Tarian grabbed the last asterisk and shoved it into the nearly overflowing carrier bag. “Can’t we just read the Words?”
“Doesn’t work like that, we have to watch at least some of it. We’ll step in before they actually do anything, if it makes you feel better. And we can grab Elladan and fix him at the same time.” Without waiting for her partner to raise objections, Dana opened a portal into the room in question and stepped through cheerily. Grumbling and lugging two rather heavy bags, Tarian followed, eying the scene - Elrond pinned against the door by Erestor and being kissed into breathlessness - with something akin to disapproval.
"I heard you! I heard the both of you! Do you have any idea, how incredibly erotic listening to you seduce your son is?" Erestor growled into his face.
“About as erotic as the idea of kissing an Orc,” Dana said in a low voice. “Incest is not a turn-on, it is squicky as hell.”
“Really? I had no idea,” was Tarian’s sarcasm-laden reply. He put down his load, trying not to pay attention to Erestor’s licking of his Lord’s neck, and sighed as a few moments later the advisor flipped Elrond over his shoulder, and stalked into his bedroom with his captive.
“Now that’s a new one on me…” Dana managed, before sniggering, grabbing one of the bags and following the two Elves.
Erestor tossed Elrond onto the bed, and with one bounce, Elrond launched himself off the bed and tackled his adviser.
They fell wrestling onto the floor, rolling around until Elrond Finlay came out on top.
“Who the Flaming Denethor is Elrond Finlay?”
Pressing her lips together hard, Dana managed to restrain the faintly obscene comment that sprang to them in response to her partner’s query, and shrugged, portalling out the mini as it appeared.
"What in the name of the Valar, has gotten into you?" Elrond asked, panting softly.
Elrond watched as his adviser blushed, and he was momentarily distracted by this.
Suddenly Elrond found their positions reversed, and his adviser had him pinned to the floor.
"It's not what has gotten into me, but what is about to be in you!" Erestor growled out, as he ripped his Lord's robes open.
At this point, Tarian turned towards his more experienced partner, but was cut off before he opened his mouth. “All right, that’s enough. Let’s get cracking before we have to attempt another dube-lube fix-up job.” Dana was already rummaging for her matches and bell, but changed her mind and produced a roll of duct tape instead. “These two have a lot more energy in them than usual,” she explained, waving the tape at him as he gave her a bewildered look. “You grab Erestor, I’ll get Elrond.”
“But -”
“Move!”
Giving up trying to protest, Tarian grabbed his own roll of tape and dived for Erestor, tackling him off Elrond more by luck than anything else. Rolling across the floor as he struggled with the Elf, the young man found himself flat on his back, staring up at a very confused and annoyed canon character.
“…Er.” Don’t panic don’t panic you can deal with this just get in control of the situation… His face darkening to a exceptionally deep shade of brown as he realised his position, Tarian rapidly attempted to push the bewildered Elf off him. Erestor was already grappling for his hands, however, and the teenage boy quickly ended up with his wrists pinned to the floor and an Elf straddling him with a very worrying expression.
Deciding that any time where you were in danger of being anally violated by a horny Elf was a good time to panic, Tarian threw pride to the winds and yelled, “Dana! Help!”
Looking up from where she was just finishing off securing Elrond, who was looking rather stunned from being hit round the head with a hardback omnibus edition of Lord of the Rings, the purple-haired woman sighed and shook her head in despair. “All right, I’m coming.” After putting a piece of tape over Elrond’s mouth to keep him quiet, she got up, strolling over to where her partner was struggling to get away from a rather aroused and annoyed Erestor. Tapping the Elf on the shoulder to get his attention, she smiled pleasantly, used her book as a blunt instrument again, set one foot against Erestor’s side and shoved him off Tarian onto the floor.
“We don’t molest teenagers, now, do we?” she asked cheerily, quickly setting to work with the duct tape while Erestor was still dazed. “Oh, for heavens’ sake, Taz, he didn’t actually do anything to you, get up and stop looking traumatised.” Tarian reluctantly obeyed, though he couldn’t help but shudder as he watched her go about her work efficiently.
“Er… maybe I should go and get Elladan?” he volunteered, wanting to get out of the room for a bit.
“Hm? Yeah, okay then. You go and do that. Be quick.”
He did as instructed, and returned a couple of minutes later hauling a very bewildered but now mercifully clothed half-Elf, whom he dumped in the chalk circle Dana had drawn around the other two in need of exorcism. Grabbing his duffle bag, he pulled out a few candles, set them out at various points around the room and lit them.
“You think you can manage this bit without looking revolted or fainting?” Dana asked drily, bell in hand, as she picked up one of the books they’d brought.
“Yes, thank you,” he replied, trying not to look embarrassed, and produced his own bell from his bag, beginning to ring it energetically. “Avaunt, spirit of Bad Slash, and depart from this place! The power of Tolkien compels you!”
Being the more verbose, Dana soon took over the chanting. “Begone from these canon characters, spirit of incest and omnisexuality unbecoming in Elves! Go back to the depths of the Über Pit of Voles, and never return here! Avaunt, incompetent beta-reading! Begone, truly awful slash! Restore this canon to its true state! In the name of Tolkien, I abjure thee! The power of Elven monogamy compels you! The power of the English language compels you! The power of TOLKIEN compels you! AVAUNT!”
The wraith materialised, hovering above the confused canons for a few moments, and hissed at the two Slashers. Almost negligently, Dana waved Morgoth’s Ring at it. “Go on, avaunt, you already scared my partner to death,” she added as it disappeared.
“I wasn’t that scared,” Tarian protested, lowering his bell and beginning to pack everything away again.
“Taz, for a moment back there I thought you were going to wet yourself.” Dana started searching her pockets for her neuralyser. “You seriously need to get some practical experience.”
His face darkened again. “Shut up.”
“Well, it’s generally useful when you’re in our line of work -”
“Knock it off!” His voice was taking on a tinge of the whininess a child would use when being teased, and he was glancing towards the canons, the fact that there was an audience to this conversation making his embarrassment a thousand times worse.
Dana straightened up, neuralyser and sunglasses in hand. “Honestly, there’s no need to get so self-conscious. It’s not like being a virgin is a bad thing as such, it’s just not all that helpful in your case.”
It would have been possible to tell that Tarian was blushing fiercely from fifty paces away by now. “’s not my fault…” he mumbled, avoiding the utterly bewildered canon characters’ gazes and fumbling for his own sunglasses. “Let’s just get this over with and go home? Please?”
“Okay then, get ready to remove the tape.” Dana donned her dark glasses and aimed the neuralyser at the three Elves.
FLASH.
“All right, then, let’s see… Elladan Halfelven, you do not have a desire to sleep with anything on two legs. Elrond Halfelven, you do not have a desire to sleep with anyone full stop, except your wife, if she’s still here. And Erestor, you do not think it’s a marvellous idea for Elrond to seduce his own sons nor for you to do so to him. Thank you all for being so co-operative, and don’t remember any of this. Bye!”
With that, Dana opened a portal, waited for Tarian to finish stripping the tape off the three characters and grab his things, and stepped through. Her partner followed a few seconds later and the blue doorway closed behind him.
“Well, that was a nice easy one,” the purple-haired woman said, settling herself down in her favourite chair and shooting the console a very dangerous look before it decided to go off again.
“Yeah, just fantastic,” was the sarcasm-laden response, as Tarian sat down on his bed. “Apart from the fact I nearly got… uuurgh.”
“What, buggered by Erestor? I wouldn't have let him do that, I’m not that irresponsible. On that topic, though, we really do need to find you a girlfriend. You’re getting embarrassing to work with.”
“And on that topic, no, we don’t. Besides, it’s not like anyone would actually date me…”
“The offer of Lux is still open.”
“I’m not going near Lux!”
The fairly spectacular row that looked to be brewing got cut off at that point, as the Slasher in question bounced through the door without knocking.
“Somebody call my name?” she chirped, beaming at the pair.
“Uh, no, no, we were just, uh…” Tarian attempted to think up a reasonable explanation for shouting her name at the top of his lungs, but failed and turned to his partner with a faintly panicked expression, which became more pronounced as Lux sidled towards him.
Tempted though she was to make up an excuse to leave the RC and let things progress accordingly, Dana took pity on seeing the look Tarian threw her way. “Not now, Luxury. We just got back off a mission, and I’m tired.”
The blonde woman pouted a little. “You sure you don’t want me to help you… relax? Either of you?” The last was said while throwing a seductive look towards the teenager.
“Yes, we’re quite sure,” Dana replied firmly, diverting the situation before Tarian went into meltdown, as she got up and shepherded Lux out of the room. “Go and find somebody else.”
“Prude. Bye, then.” Lux skipped off, humming happily, as her colleague closed the RC door.
Dana fixed Tarian with a stern look. “Next time you make a fool of yourself, I leave the room when she turns up.”
“You wouldn’t…” An air of worry hung about him.
“Try me.” Her voice was steely.
Unwilling to argue, he flopped on his bed, turned his back to her and started to radiate an aura of sheer sulkiness, muttering what she was sure were very uncomplimentary phrases under his breath. She shook her head at him and began rummaging for a good book.
- The PPC, the Department of Bad Slash, and Lux do not belong to me; they are the inventions of Jay and Acacia. And I wouldn't want to own Lux anyway. *shudder*
- This hideous travesty fic, A Father's Responsibilities, doesn’t belong to me either. It belongs to darkladyd.
- Lord of the Rings and all characters therein belong to the great J. R. R. Tolkien.
- Pads and Trojie belong to tea_fiend and agenttrojie.
- Sandra and SAVM belong to signed_up.
- Stormsong was created by mahksihed and is mentioned here by permission of chelonianmobile.
- The idea of edible punctuation was first introduced to me by cofmanynames.
- I own Dana and Tarian, who are likely to be complaining about this fic for weeks, and the Mini-Balrog Adoptions Agency (by permission of Miss Cam).
Warnings:
- The fic itself is NC-17; I’ve done my best to strip out the actual smut, but to be on the safe side this mission is labelled NSFW.
- Some mild language, but no more violence than the average Bad Slash mission.
Author’s notes
- So, I decided to try my hand at Bad Slash. Unsure of where to look for a sporkable fic, I decided to poke at the Unclaimed Badfic list on the PPC Wiki, and came across this… thing. Upon reading it (and going “WTF?!” several times), I decided to claim it for my Slash Agents. Rather proud of this decision, I showed the link to Pads and explained the basic plot (ha!) to Trojie. The reactions were, respectively, “that fic is truly atrocious” and “it sounds so brain breaky I certainly wouldn't touch it unless someone asked me nicely”. So, on receiving that kind of response from the two veteran Slashers… *gulp* Basically, I tried my best.
- This mission is set in late April 2009. By this point Dana and Tarian have been working together for about eight months.
- As ever, thank you, thank you, thank you to tea_fiend, my beta-reader, who did this in under two hours despite being crazily busy.
Dana Trent opened the door to her RC, carrying a bag full of supposedly edible food and humming “They’re Taking The Hobbits To Isengard”. The veteran Slasher was in a very good mood, tossing and catching a tennis ball that she always had with her. However, on seeing her youthful partner sprawled in the chair by the console with his hands over his face, she fell silent.
“Oh, Gods. What did they send us now?”
“If you just read the warnings list on it, you’ll find out for yourself,” Tarian replied as he looked up, his brown skin deepening colour a little and making even more of a contrast with his silver-white hair. “I’m not in the right frame of mind to repeat them all.”
“That bad?” She put the bag down, stuffed the ball back in her pocket and wandered over to the console, giving the nineteen-year-old’s shoulder a comforting squeeze on the way. Since joining the PPC, she’d had several partners of varying degrees of sanity and experience, and spent years at a time working alone, but she still thought there were better partners they could have chosen to give Tarian than an Agent who regularly took on graphic smut.
Shaking back her vivid purple hair - natural, not dyed, as she was always having to tell people - she read the warnings and sighed. “Slash… okay, that’s expected, not really a surprise there. Oral, BDSM, incest, please erase it before I have to scrub my brain with Bleepka - oh, that’s the Spy’s comment. Poor Elrond… and his boys, too. Still, I suppose we’d better go and disentangle them.”
“Can’t we send it to someone else?” Tarian ventured, though his expression suggested he knew what the answer was going to be. Dana shook her head.
“Sandra and that possessed vending machine she’s partnered with would flip. They don’t do much NC-17 stuff. Trojie and Pads have enough to do with their kids, and last time I ran into Trojie she was wibbling something about raptors that made me back away very quickly. I'm not sending her this; on top of whatever she had, it might break her. And if you think I’m voluntarily letting Lux anywhere near me, Taz, you’ve snapped.”
The young man sighed, ignoring the nickname, and got up. “All right. What are we taking with us this time? Books or films?” He wandered over to their bookshelf and poked through the rather battered items.
“Books. This girl knows about the twins and Erestor, and there’s no location mentioned other than Rivendell… well, this thing’s basically PWP. Use the omnibus edition, it’s easier than trying to work out when this is set, and get Morgoth’s Ring as well. And grab a carrier bag, there are commas everywhere in this thing.”
“Got it.” He packed the relevant items in the duffle bag he always took on missions, adding a fairly sizeable hand bell and a few candles. Dana picked up her old travelling bag, in which she kept a smallish bell and a few other useful items which she always had with her, and settled it into place over her shoulder.
The immortal woman opened the portal and grinned at her partner. “Onwards, then?”
“I suppose.” He followed her dolefully into the fic.
1. A Father's Responsibilities
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Fic: A Father's Responsibilities
Pairing: Elrond/Elladan, Elrond/Elrohir, Elrond/Erestor, Elrond/Erestor/Elladan/Elrohir
Warning: Nc-17, Farther/Son pairings, Slash
Summery: Elrond decides to teach sons the error of their ways!
Beta by InvisbleElf
I own no elves! **sighs** So please do not sue me!
***I am doing this fic as a request on another group, so warning....This is a Father/Son fic****
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“Ow, ow, and let me think, ow.” This contribution, made by Dana, was in response to the row of greater-than signs that had just pelted them. “Please, enlighten me; what’s wrong with a simple trio of asterisks?” she grumbled, rubbing her head and helping Tarian pick up the scattered punctuation. This done, she took out a notepad and pencil, passing them to her partner and taking the carrier bag, now half full, off him.
“Okay, Taz, I hope you haven’t sprained your writing hand, because so far we’ve got three charges from the disclaimer alone.”
“Three? I can only see the two for spelling and grammar.”
“How about the one for claiming to have a beta-reader, when said beta can’t even spell their own name properly?”
“Oh. That one.” He scrawled it down as the scene took shape around them; it was a slightly blurry rendition of the Hall of Fire in Rivendell, empty apart from Elrond, his sons and a couple of featureless figures.
Elrond watched as his twins made there way from the Hall of Fire, with their conquests for the night, and sighed softly in disappointment. Since coming to their majority a full year before, Elladan and Elrohir had been sleeping with anything that sported two legs.
“They’d been doing what?” Dana snorted, watching the twins leave and absently grabbing at the spare comma. “Okay, this is the AU Where All Elves Are Tolerant And… Omnisexual, evidently. Though I can’t see even the most tolerant Elf being willing to shag an Orc… or a Balrog, or maybe an Ent. Can you imagine the kind of logistics that’d be involv-”
“Uuurgh! Dana!” She turned to see her partner looking thoroughly revolted. Too late, she remembered his curse of a painfully graphic imagination. It wasn’t exactly the perfect match for her tendency to speculate out loud about whatever crossed her mind.
“Sorry. I was just thinking about the -” She stopped as he clapped his hands over his ears and began to hum so loudly he was in danger of attracting attention from the room’s sole occupant, Elrond. Hurriedly punching Tarian in the arm, she indicated the half-Elf and made a meaningful face. The young man lowered his arms again, glaring at her.
“I don’t need to hear your frankly weird hypotheses concerning the sex life of every character we have to deal with, okay?”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry…” Dana rolled her eyes as her partner went back to the charge list, occasionally shuddering as he tried to fight off the images going through his head. Not for the first time, she cursed the stupidity of whoever had decided to put someone like him in Bad Slash.
Tarian noted down the charges industriously, pondering why exactly Elrond was thinking about the possibility of having “a city full of illegitimate grandchildren in less than a decade”, when the normal laws of this continnum made such a thing an impossibility. After a few seconds’ wavering, he decided not to ask Dana. She got annoyed when he pointed out the obvious, and he never enjoyed being ranted at.
As he scribbled yet another entry - “Forgetting whether Elrond was meant to be speaking or thinking, thereby using a mix of punctuation that made him do both at the same time” - Erestor’s voice echoed around the Hall, making the Agents jump.
"Granted they have been, shall we say.....busy? But, I do not believe that there are any little peredhel's running around yet, My Lord." Elrond rolled his eyes, as his chief advisor's voice echoed near his ear.
Elrond turned towards his adviser, and long time friend. Elrond breath caught in his throat, he had forgotten just how beautiful his friend was.
"Just pondering the problem, of my wayward twins." Elrond said softly, as he gazed into midnight colored eyes. *And, thinking about ripping your robes off!* Elrond thought to himself, blushing lightly.
Dana pulled a face. “Because of course the only thing an Elf can ever truly think about and concentrate on for more than five seconds is sex. They’re worse than teenage boys. No offence.”
“None taken,” Tarian replied, trying to catch the superfluous punctuation with one hand and hang on to his notepad with the other. “Mind giving me a hand here? - Will you stay still before I eat you?” he added to a particularly evasive comma, just as he managed to catch it.
“There’s a new one on me,” Dana replied, amused, as she rounded up the rest of the little squiggles and dumped them into the plastic bag. “You weren’t serious, were you?” she added, on seeing him still holding it a few moments later.
He gave her a speculative look, then eyed the comma in his hand and took a tentative bite. After a few seconds of chewing, he swallowed it with a rather intrigued expression. “Tastes like caramel.”
“Hmm. Wonder if anyone else has tried it…” Dana peered into the bag, looking rather tempted. “And if they all taste the same.”
“Let’s experiment later,” Tarian said hurriedly, nodding towards Elrond and Erestor as the latter suggested that Elrond seduce his own sons. His partner nodded, rolling her eyes at the canons.
Elrond shivered, as he imagine his twins withering under him. Eln, bn, brave strong Elladan, would be a challenge to conquer.
“Uh, who?” was the dark-skinned young man’s incredibly intelligent comment.
“Eln, bn, apparently. At a wild guess, I’d say the original intention was ‘Elladan’.” The mini-Balrog popped out of the wall and scampered over to them, sniffing around them in hopes of bacon. “Sorry, cutey, no treats here.” Dana opened a little portal, shooing Eln, bn through. “The Adoption Agency’ll take care of him. Poor thing, having a name that mangled.”
“Yeah, yeah, get gushy over minis in your free time,” Tarian grumbled, watching Elrond agree that Erestor’s idea was a marvellous one. “This job sucks.”
“As much as Elrond’s going to?” Dana asked with a wicked twinkle in her eye, before dodging Tarian’s exasperated attempt to punch her in the arm. She took out her RA and opened a portal. “Come on. Let’s at least get past the next chapter’s disclaimer and the timeskip.”
“What’s happening in the next chapter?” he asked warily.
“It’s a party, where Elrond gets drunk and decides he’s straight and doesn’t feel like boinking his sons any more.” She rolled her eyes as he gave her an incredulous look. “This is a Bad Slash mission, you pillock, what do you think’ll be happening? Just shift yourself.” She shoved him through the portal and followed, just in time to see Elladan waking up.
(Two days later) Elladan awoke with a groan, his eyes fluttering open, gazing around his room bleary.
The nondescript room immediately blurred, making it very difficult to see anything properly.
“Double the charge for incompetent betaing,” Dana muttered.
“Already on it, and adding another for giving me a headache,” was the reply.
Spotting his father sitting in a chair next to his bed, "What happened?" Elladan asked in a confused voice.
Elrond smirked, "Nothing. I just drugged you." Elrond said amused as his oldest son's eyes nearly bulged out of his head.
Elladan tried to sit up, or he would have, if he was not chained to his bed. Chained naked, and spread-eagle to his bed, that was.
Tarian immediately whipped round, staring away from the bed as Elladan’s nudity was displayed in all its glory, much to Dana’s amusement. “If you’re going to work in this Department, you’re going to have to learn not to freak out at the sight of a naked man - well, male,” she chuckled, leaning against the out-of-focus wall. “Honestly, nobody’s asking you to enjoy it, just stop getting so embarrassed.”
“Did you ever wonder why the majority of Slashers are female?” he replied, resolutely examining the walls in minute detail as Elrond began to stroke Elladan’s chest. “The only actual male Slasher I know of happens to be a gay anthro weasel, and compared to what he works with, I doubt watching this would faze him all that much.”
“Aw, bless. Tell you what, I’ll see if we can get you a nice Redwall pornfic to make you feel better.” Dana had to duck then, as Tarian made a spirited attempt to hit her around the head with his notebook. “It was just a suggestion!”
“When I feel like taking on badly-researched yiff, I’ll ask to be transferred to the Redwall division. Right now I’ve got enough problems dealing with humanoid anatomy - ouch!”
<
Elladan stared at his father in shock and confusion, just what was his father doing? "Father, I am confused. Just what is going on?" Elladan asked, with a hitch in his voice, as his father's very warm hand touched a sensitive spot.
The less-than sign had clouted Tarian squarely on the head, distracting him from the half-Elven feeling-up going on nearby, but his exclamation had been worryingly loud.
“Will you keep your mouth shut?” Dana hissed, grabbing the punctuation and giving her partner a dig in the side.
“Tell you what, give me that and I’ll hit you on the head with it, then we can see how you’d react.”
“Eru save me from whiny adolescents,” the woman replied, shoving the symbol into the bag before he could snatch it off her.
“I’m not an adolescent!”
“Then stop acting like one and concentrate on the gay porn.”
Shooting her a look of vexation, Tarian made himself look towards the bed, muttering, “Well, there’s irony for you.” A few seconds later, he had to turn away again, this time snorting with muffled laughter as he tried to write something in his notebook.
“You’ve changed your tune,” Dana commented. “What’s the charge?”
“Com-comparing Elrond’s snogging to - to - the Dementor’s Kiss!” Tarian managed between his giggles.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” She scanned the Words.
Slowly Elladan pressed his head back into his pillow, and slowly his father followed him, never letting up on the kiss. ***Damn! He can kiss! It's like he's pulling my soul from my body!** Elladan thought to himself.
The purple-haired woman stared, then cracked up. “I’d say you can’t make this stuff up, but clearly somebody can,” she wheezed, leaning against the wall and holding her sides.
As the kissing continued, both Agents managed to get a grip on themselves and watch with at least a modicum of professionalism, until one line in particular caught their attention.
Elrond was trying to check his son's tonsils, with his tongue!
“Now isn’t that sexy?” Dana deadpanned. “Licking somebody’s tonsils. Why didn’t we think of that?”
“And you asked me why I’ve never tried to get a girlfriend. It’s because I have to sit through this - all day, every day - and listen to your commentary,” Tarian groaned. “Between you and the missions, my idea of relationships is becoming so abnormal I’d probably scare a girl if I tried.”
Dana shrugged. “If you really need a lecture on sex education, you could always ask Trojie.”
“Would this be the same Trojie who doesn’t believe in the existence of heterosexual relationships, except as a theoretical possibility? Not that that’s reinforcing my point about how this job warps you, or anything.”
“If you’re that desperate for a girlfriend, Taz, I’ll contact Lux.”
“Forget I said anything,” was the immediate reply, accompanied by a shudder.
“Really? A boy of your age, no obvious physical problems, no real mental ones other than your job, I’d have thought you'd have had a healthy libido -”
“Whereas Lux has an unhealthy one, so can we please just drop the subject? And for that matter, can we please wait outside now, before this gets any more graphic? Or did you want to stay and ogle?”
“Now that’s unfair.” She fixed him with a disapproving look. “I may appreciate the view, but that doesn’t mean I drool over it.” After a few moments, he wilted and mumbled an apology, which was accepted gracefully through the simple expedient of her bustling the pair of them out of the room. “All right, Taz, catch up with the charges and then we can go and exorcise Elrohir, seeing as he doesn't turn up again.”
Tarian agreed with this enthusiastically, although the moaning and groaning now coming from inside Elladan’s room might have had something to do with that. After a few minutes of frenzied scribbling, the notepad was nearly three pages full and the Agents were prowling the halls of Rivendell. Fortunately, Elrohir wasn’t too hard to locate, being outside the Hall of Fire where the fic had last mentioned him.
A quick whack round the head with the omnibus edition of the trilogy, a few shakes of a bell and a fairly bored “Get thee behind me, Uncanonical Slash, the power of Tolkien compels you!” later, Elrohir remembered nothing other than a bright flash of light and a smallish woman telling him to “keep it in his pants”, whatever that meant.
“Well, that was unexpectedly easy,” Tarian commented, as the Agents made their way back up towards Elladan’s room.
“The author-wraith didn't have enough of a grip on him to make it awkward,” Dana shrugged, wincing slightly at a loud scream.
“What the bloody hell was that?” Tarian yelped, before checking the Words and pulling a disgusted face. “Oh.”
Elladan's scream could be heard through The Last Homely Home, and in his own room down the hallway, Erestor smiled knowingly.
The older of the two Agents rolled her eyes and rummaged for a cereal bar she’d slipped into her bag, munching on it as she read the words and leaving Tarian to deal with the mini. He fumbled with the RA for a bit, trying to remember the co-ordinates, and then portalled the mini-Balrog out of the fic. “How do people manage to get such basic things wrong?” he asked nobody in particular.
“It’s called Not Doing The Research, Taz. Happens a lot in our line of work. Now all we have to do is sit through Erestor being aggressively seductive towards Elrond and we can get the job over with.”
“Oh, joy. Sounds like my idea of a fantastic time,” Tarian deadpanned, shaking his hair out of his face as the third chapter’s disclaimer and warnings bellowed through the Word World loud enough to make their eardrums shake. “…Duck!” He covered his head with his duffle bag as a divider, this time made of asterisks, crashed down around them.
“What - ack!” Slightly too slow to react, his partner was hit several times before the downpour stopped. “Ow…”
“I did tell you to watch out,” the white-haired boy said mildly, beginning to scoop up the punctuation. Dana shot him a dirty look, stepping to one side as Elrond emerged from Elladan’s room and made his way down the hallway past them without giving either a glance.
Before the immortal woman could think up a retort for her partner, Elrond was abruptly yanked into another room down the hallway and the door closed behind him. “Oh, dear. Portal in?” she suggested, dropping the argument before it began.
“Do we have to?” Tarian grabbed the last asterisk and shoved it into the nearly overflowing carrier bag. “Can’t we just read the Words?”
“Doesn’t work like that, we have to watch at least some of it. We’ll step in before they actually do anything, if it makes you feel better. And we can grab Elladan and fix him at the same time.” Without waiting for her partner to raise objections, Dana opened a portal into the room in question and stepped through cheerily. Grumbling and lugging two rather heavy bags, Tarian followed, eying the scene - Elrond pinned against the door by Erestor and being kissed into breathlessness - with something akin to disapproval.
"I heard you! I heard the both of you! Do you have any idea, how incredibly erotic listening to you seduce your son is?" Erestor growled into his face.
“About as erotic as the idea of kissing an Orc,” Dana said in a low voice. “Incest is not a turn-on, it is squicky as hell.”
“Really? I had no idea,” was Tarian’s sarcasm-laden reply. He put down his load, trying not to pay attention to Erestor’s licking of his Lord’s neck, and sighed as a few moments later the advisor flipped Elrond over his shoulder, and stalked into his bedroom with his captive.
“Now that’s a new one on me…” Dana managed, before sniggering, grabbing one of the bags and following the two Elves.
Erestor tossed Elrond onto the bed, and with one bounce, Elrond launched himself off the bed and tackled his adviser.
They fell wrestling onto the floor, rolling around until Elrond Finlay came out on top.
“Who the Flaming Denethor is Elrond Finlay?”
Pressing her lips together hard, Dana managed to restrain the faintly obscene comment that sprang to them in response to her partner’s query, and shrugged, portalling out the mini as it appeared.
"What in the name of the Valar, has gotten into you?" Elrond asked, panting softly.
Elrond watched as his adviser blushed, and he was momentarily distracted by this.
Suddenly Elrond found their positions reversed, and his adviser had him pinned to the floor.
"It's not what has gotten into me, but what is about to be in you!" Erestor growled out, as he ripped his Lord's robes open.
At this point, Tarian turned towards his more experienced partner, but was cut off before he opened his mouth. “All right, that’s enough. Let’s get cracking before we have to attempt another dube-lube fix-up job.” Dana was already rummaging for her matches and bell, but changed her mind and produced a roll of duct tape instead. “These two have a lot more energy in them than usual,” she explained, waving the tape at him as he gave her a bewildered look. “You grab Erestor, I’ll get Elrond.”
“But -”
“Move!”
Giving up trying to protest, Tarian grabbed his own roll of tape and dived for Erestor, tackling him off Elrond more by luck than anything else. Rolling across the floor as he struggled with the Elf, the young man found himself flat on his back, staring up at a very confused and annoyed canon character.
“…Er.” Don’t panic don’t panic you can deal with this just get in control of the situation… His face darkening to a exceptionally deep shade of brown as he realised his position, Tarian rapidly attempted to push the bewildered Elf off him. Erestor was already grappling for his hands, however, and the teenage boy quickly ended up with his wrists pinned to the floor and an Elf straddling him with a very worrying expression.
Deciding that any time where you were in danger of being anally violated by a horny Elf was a good time to panic, Tarian threw pride to the winds and yelled, “Dana! Help!”
Looking up from where she was just finishing off securing Elrond, who was looking rather stunned from being hit round the head with a hardback omnibus edition of Lord of the Rings, the purple-haired woman sighed and shook her head in despair. “All right, I’m coming.” After putting a piece of tape over Elrond’s mouth to keep him quiet, she got up, strolling over to where her partner was struggling to get away from a rather aroused and annoyed Erestor. Tapping the Elf on the shoulder to get his attention, she smiled pleasantly, used her book as a blunt instrument again, set one foot against Erestor’s side and shoved him off Tarian onto the floor.
“We don’t molest teenagers, now, do we?” she asked cheerily, quickly setting to work with the duct tape while Erestor was still dazed. “Oh, for heavens’ sake, Taz, he didn’t actually do anything to you, get up and stop looking traumatised.” Tarian reluctantly obeyed, though he couldn’t help but shudder as he watched her go about her work efficiently.
“Er… maybe I should go and get Elladan?” he volunteered, wanting to get out of the room for a bit.
“Hm? Yeah, okay then. You go and do that. Be quick.”
He did as instructed, and returned a couple of minutes later hauling a very bewildered but now mercifully clothed half-Elf, whom he dumped in the chalk circle Dana had drawn around the other two in need of exorcism. Grabbing his duffle bag, he pulled out a few candles, set them out at various points around the room and lit them.
“You think you can manage this bit without looking revolted or fainting?” Dana asked drily, bell in hand, as she picked up one of the books they’d brought.
“Yes, thank you,” he replied, trying not to look embarrassed, and produced his own bell from his bag, beginning to ring it energetically. “Avaunt, spirit of Bad Slash, and depart from this place! The power of Tolkien compels you!”
Being the more verbose, Dana soon took over the chanting. “Begone from these canon characters, spirit of incest and omnisexuality unbecoming in Elves! Go back to the depths of the Über Pit of Voles, and never return here! Avaunt, incompetent beta-reading! Begone, truly awful slash! Restore this canon to its true state! In the name of Tolkien, I abjure thee! The power of Elven monogamy compels you! The power of the English language compels you! The power of TOLKIEN compels you! AVAUNT!”
The wraith materialised, hovering above the confused canons for a few moments, and hissed at the two Slashers. Almost negligently, Dana waved Morgoth’s Ring at it. “Go on, avaunt, you already scared my partner to death,” she added as it disappeared.
“I wasn’t that scared,” Tarian protested, lowering his bell and beginning to pack everything away again.
“Taz, for a moment back there I thought you were going to wet yourself.” Dana started searching her pockets for her neuralyser. “You seriously need to get some practical experience.”
His face darkened again. “Shut up.”
“Well, it’s generally useful when you’re in our line of work -”
“Knock it off!” His voice was taking on a tinge of the whininess a child would use when being teased, and he was glancing towards the canons, the fact that there was an audience to this conversation making his embarrassment a thousand times worse.
Dana straightened up, neuralyser and sunglasses in hand. “Honestly, there’s no need to get so self-conscious. It’s not like being a virgin is a bad thing as such, it’s just not all that helpful in your case.”
It would have been possible to tell that Tarian was blushing fiercely from fifty paces away by now. “’s not my fault…” he mumbled, avoiding the utterly bewildered canon characters’ gazes and fumbling for his own sunglasses. “Let’s just get this over with and go home? Please?”
“Okay then, get ready to remove the tape.” Dana donned her dark glasses and aimed the neuralyser at the three Elves.
FLASH.
“All right, then, let’s see… Elladan Halfelven, you do not have a desire to sleep with anything on two legs. Elrond Halfelven, you do not have a desire to sleep with anyone full stop, except your wife, if she’s still here. And Erestor, you do not think it’s a marvellous idea for Elrond to seduce his own sons nor for you to do so to him. Thank you all for being so co-operative, and don’t remember any of this. Bye!”
With that, Dana opened a portal, waited for Tarian to finish stripping the tape off the three characters and grab his things, and stepped through. Her partner followed a few seconds later and the blue doorway closed behind him.
“Well, that was a nice easy one,” the purple-haired woman said, settling herself down in her favourite chair and shooting the console a very dangerous look before it decided to go off again.
“Yeah, just fantastic,” was the sarcasm-laden response, as Tarian sat down on his bed. “Apart from the fact I nearly got… uuurgh.”
“What, buggered by Erestor? I wouldn't have let him do that, I’m not that irresponsible. On that topic, though, we really do need to find you a girlfriend. You’re getting embarrassing to work with.”
“And on that topic, no, we don’t. Besides, it’s not like anyone would actually date me…”
“The offer of Lux is still open.”
“I’m not going near Lux!”
The fairly spectacular row that looked to be brewing got cut off at that point, as the Slasher in question bounced through the door without knocking.
“Somebody call my name?” she chirped, beaming at the pair.
“Uh, no, no, we were just, uh…” Tarian attempted to think up a reasonable explanation for shouting her name at the top of his lungs, but failed and turned to his partner with a faintly panicked expression, which became more pronounced as Lux sidled towards him.
Tempted though she was to make up an excuse to leave the RC and let things progress accordingly, Dana took pity on seeing the look Tarian threw her way. “Not now, Luxury. We just got back off a mission, and I’m tired.”
The blonde woman pouted a little. “You sure you don’t want me to help you… relax? Either of you?” The last was said while throwing a seductive look towards the teenager.
“Yes, we’re quite sure,” Dana replied firmly, diverting the situation before Tarian went into meltdown, as she got up and shepherded Lux out of the room. “Go and find somebody else.”
“Prude. Bye, then.” Lux skipped off, humming happily, as her colleague closed the RC door.
Dana fixed Tarian with a stern look. “Next time you make a fool of yourself, I leave the room when she turns up.”
“You wouldn’t…” An air of worry hung about him.
“Try me.” Her voice was steely.
Unwilling to argue, he flopped on his bed, turned his back to her and started to radiate an aura of sheer sulkiness, muttering what she was sure were very uncomplimentary phrases under his breath. She shook her head at him and began rummaging for a good book.