This one's for Phil

Apr 04, 2005 16:04

sixteen year olds are not supposed to die

its amazing how someone who you barely even talk to anymore and rarely see still has impact on your life,especially in their passing.almost an entire year of my life has pretty much been removed.that is a long time for someone who is only 17.a year.starting in january.just ripped out and cut up.gone.funny how someone you thought u couldn't care less for anymore still has that special place in your heart when you think back to all the memories,good and bad.the potters house,the can can competition,matt(i think it was matt) and phil totally getting their asses kicked by emily eros,the insane would-be moshing,polka,chains for necklaces and using water to spike hair,emilie,easter,getting stuck in oliver and being told that we could stay for their sleepover provided we camped in sleeping bags in the bushes,the waterslides,phone numbers,random calls from peachtree mall when it was still a mall,peachfest fireworks,maggie idiots,square dance jamboree,the ol dred truck,bens house,the sad guy at the school,burnouts,"flying" in dwaynes car,walking all the way across town with ben,justin timberlake and jermiah was a bullfrog,1 a.m.,elliott the moose,smarties heart-box,munky hoodie,wearing skirts,threats to friends,austin powers,dalmations,a whole lotta beer and blayne in the backyard,random cousin adventures,plastic melty beads,random appearances,the beating stick in the car,you cant hit the driver but the driver can hit you,blink-182,loads of guitars,early morning pre-school msn convos,volleyball trip in sept,josh,fighting,stupidity on my behalf,me being a bitch...webcam,avoiding element dances,hasty convos,random switching to "away",lord of the rings,my brother walking in,and again...me being a bitch

and it kinda ends with me feeling REALLY guilty becuz not only did i totally smash the heart of the biggest closet sweetie EVER,but i did it selfishly,unknowingly and then just kept up with it.never dropped it.he never deserved that.ever.jealous rages and stupid comments and all...he was always right.i cant believe that it took him dying for me to realise my mistake,my loss,my bad.just when i was softening.just when we were getting back into a decent friendship where we could talk for an hour without purposely pissing the other one off,when we could go on webcam and then politely accept comliments without rolling eyes or shutting it down

what i wouldn't do for one last conversation with him.just to hear what he wanted to say to me for once instead of rolling my eyes and not listening.i should have.he deserved a chance to be heard by me,by everybody.its not that i hated him,or disliked him,i didn't!i guess its just that i knew inside that i screwed up and ruined everything,lost the best i ever had and he was paying for it.i was ignoring that i was guilty,because hurting someone else seemed better that hurting myself.i dont know.he's in a way better place now.and as soon as im up there im asking myke OK?just to prove you right or wrong or w/e.for personal closure between me and phil.after everything that we went through,that whole period of time in our lives,ill never forget the good times.the bad times dont matter anymore...they are erased.they were my fault anyways and im sorry.i never thought i'd realise how much i still love someone until after they are dead and gone,even if it wasn't that kind of love.there is just no point regretting everything now is there?he's probably not bothered with it anymore.and i dont think he would want me to be either.i cant wait til i can see him again...oOo im gunna beat his ass to a pulp brotha!haha no,ima gunna give him the biggest hug EVER and from those who knew "us" that is saying something:P

ive still got your "heart" phil and ill hold onto it forever.you've got your place in mine<3

i'll never forget you(f)

R.I.P. Phillip Brendan Soare
May 30th 1988-March 28th 2005

"A goat is a goat,a monkey is a monkey,I did not know you could dance so funky"
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