(no subject)
i feel really ill...
aside from that, it's been a pretty average day...
then again, we have dress rehearsals, and i think if i do any dances, i'll barf.
yuck
i bought more star wars m&ms from mr. lauginiger...i want to collect the packages
i watched star wars episodes IV and V yesterday.
i hummed imperial march at lunch
Star Wars is brainwashing me!
but i can accept that. i love star wars. agnes is taking me to see it the friday after it opens...wish i could go thursday night, but alas, i have school the next day.
i have also been thinking about me future (which some people need to do more often)
i was considering alternatives in case my "plans" fail...where i want to be in ten years and how to get there...things of that sort. i decided that whatever major i choos in college will leave me unhappy. no matter what. but i have no choice but to pick one that maybe won't drive me to suicide, and go from there. truth is, i am not atisfied with any career not involving my creative ineterests, like art, music, and the like. but i do have to be realistic. if i get some "lucky break" that's awesome, and i'm set. but even as i lead my terrible career life, i want to do these things on the side. and, realistically speaking, i doubt i'll have the time...
see, that's what sucks about life. you can only usually attain a goal if you put your entire self into it. but if you don't achieve your dream, you're screwed. so i either give up my passion, for a certain non-poorness, or i give up my certainty for the minimal possibility of extreme bliss....and i'll tell ya, realistically speaking, i'd rather be comfortable than to have found my bliss. it's pretty sad. you don't know how many times i envision myself on a stage, doing whatever. doesn't matter...headlining an indie-rock band, dancing my ass off to rodger's and hammerstein...
what i WANT and what i NEED are fucking with me bigtime
i am so happy performing. i feel this overwhelming desire to express myself to people, whether they enjoy it or not. i demand perfection from myself in all areas of performing. i am so hungry for recognition. i know i can do it. i can be an artist. i can. but if other people won't pay me for it, then i'm screwed. my general unhappy career future makes me upset and angry and i don't want it. i wish money weren't an issue. sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my time. everyone else has the talent. everyone else is fawned over for being "the best". and poor old ashley sits there, hearing all this, knowing she's better, but can't do anything about it. and i do kick ass. but why am i not recognized for it. well, sometimes i guess i am...but i feel it may be out of pity. ha....oh do i hate pity. people who have ever been kind to me out of pity make my physicallly ill. i want to beat their faces in with a brick. meh
i guess i just want these things to spite people for expecting less of me. because i expect so much of myself. hey! listen! everyone!...you have your dreams, your wants, your needs, your passions, your comfort in the thought that things will just "happen"...but screw you all. you can have all the talent in the world, but if you don't know what you're doing, then it sucks for you. what i lack in perfection i make up for in conviction. give me time and i will be better than anyoone at anything if i feel the need to spite you enough. i can do it all! i write songs. i sing. i dance. i act. i draw. i paint. i have a model physique. i can do it all. but i hate knowing that no one gives a fuck. i want to make you give a fuck. sure i sound self-cenetered...but i feel so...underappreciated.
GRRR....this is really pissing me off...it's do or die time, and i want to take on more than i may be able to handle. usually i don't brag. but fuck you all i'm bragging damnit. I rule you all when it comes to insane passion and obsession. i'm just a damn good actor for being able to hide it so well. someday, you'll be paying for my entertainment. these words aren't in vain. maybe i'll have to be a drone of society before i can get there...but i WILL be known for SOMETHING. you'll see... (and most of you will say "good for you" but have doubt in your minds...)
this desire i have makes me feel sick and angry. i need this.
and if you please, don't dare reply if you're going to get cheesy. this entry is for me. i don't need your support. i don't need the sympathy. i have enough within me.
aside from that, it's been a pretty average day...
then again, we have dress rehearsals, and i think if i do any dances, i'll barf.
yuck
i bought more star wars m&ms from mr. lauginiger...i want to collect the packages
i watched star wars episodes IV and V yesterday.
i hummed imperial march at lunch
Star Wars is brainwashing me!
but i can accept that. i love star wars. agnes is taking me to see it the friday after it opens...wish i could go thursday night, but alas, i have school the next day.
i have also been thinking about me future (which some people need to do more often)
i was considering alternatives in case my "plans" fail...where i want to be in ten years and how to get there...things of that sort. i decided that whatever major i choos in college will leave me unhappy. no matter what. but i have no choice but to pick one that maybe won't drive me to suicide, and go from there. truth is, i am not atisfied with any career not involving my creative ineterests, like art, music, and the like. but i do have to be realistic. if i get some "lucky break" that's awesome, and i'm set. but even as i lead my terrible career life, i want to do these things on the side. and, realistically speaking, i doubt i'll have the time...
see, that's what sucks about life. you can only usually attain a goal if you put your entire self into it. but if you don't achieve your dream, you're screwed. so i either give up my passion, for a certain non-poorness, or i give up my certainty for the minimal possibility of extreme bliss....and i'll tell ya, realistically speaking, i'd rather be comfortable than to have found my bliss. it's pretty sad. you don't know how many times i envision myself on a stage, doing whatever. doesn't matter...headlining an indie-rock band, dancing my ass off to rodger's and hammerstein...
what i WANT and what i NEED are fucking with me bigtime
i am so happy performing. i feel this overwhelming desire to express myself to people, whether they enjoy it or not. i demand perfection from myself in all areas of performing. i am so hungry for recognition. i know i can do it. i can be an artist. i can. but if other people won't pay me for it, then i'm screwed. my general unhappy career future makes me upset and angry and i don't want it. i wish money weren't an issue. sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my time. everyone else has the talent. everyone else is fawned over for being "the best". and poor old ashley sits there, hearing all this, knowing she's better, but can't do anything about it. and i do kick ass. but why am i not recognized for it. well, sometimes i guess i am...but i feel it may be out of pity. ha....oh do i hate pity. people who have ever been kind to me out of pity make my physicallly ill. i want to beat their faces in with a brick. meh
i guess i just want these things to spite people for expecting less of me. because i expect so much of myself. hey! listen! everyone!...you have your dreams, your wants, your needs, your passions, your comfort in the thought that things will just "happen"...but screw you all. you can have all the talent in the world, but if you don't know what you're doing, then it sucks for you. what i lack in perfection i make up for in conviction. give me time and i will be better than anyoone at anything if i feel the need to spite you enough. i can do it all! i write songs. i sing. i dance. i act. i draw. i paint. i have a model physique. i can do it all. but i hate knowing that no one gives a fuck. i want to make you give a fuck. sure i sound self-cenetered...but i feel so...underappreciated.
GRRR....this is really pissing me off...it's do or die time, and i want to take on more than i may be able to handle. usually i don't brag. but fuck you all i'm bragging damnit. I rule you all when it comes to insane passion and obsession. i'm just a damn good actor for being able to hide it so well. someday, you'll be paying for my entertainment. these words aren't in vain. maybe i'll have to be a drone of society before i can get there...but i WILL be known for SOMETHING. you'll see... (and most of you will say "good for you" but have doubt in your minds...)
this desire i have makes me feel sick and angry. i need this.
and if you please, don't dare reply if you're going to get cheesy. this entry is for me. i don't need your support. i don't need the sympathy. i have enough within me.