The looming fear of love passed
It's so strange to think about what once was. I mean...that's true in all cases, but this one in particular is the strangest of all.
I can think back, remember the emotions, the scenarios and almost feel like I was right there all over again.
Back to the innocence, the happiness, and what brought me there in the first place. It almost feels like I'm right there living in that feeling again, in that moment. Still blissfully unaware of the future that was to come.
Though when I focus on the end...or the present, or what could have been...it's all a toss up.
I can either look back and think things could have gone so much better, why couldn't they have?
Just study the facts and try and figure out the endless sea of questions that I know will never truly have answers.
Of course then there's the other view towards it...
The uneasy feeling, my stomach feels as if it's in knots, the nervousness, the fear.
Like the monster under the bed, or the idea that something is chasing behind you as you run back to your room at night, or the hands that you were always so sure we're going to reach up and grab you while you're trying to fall asleep. Only it's more then that...
The monster, the chasing, and the hands can be chalked up to our own illogical fears that we know are complete fiction. Where as my fear is based on nothing but reality, which makes it all the more horrifying.
I cared so much about her, I wanted nothing more then to make her happy, proud of me, and have her love me just as much as I did her. I've had relationships go wrong before, I've had people hurt me...but not like this.
I can safely say it broke my spirit, my hopes of ever making her truly content with being with me, let alone happy.
I was and am afraid of her...she had such power over me. All I wanted was to make things right, keep her happy, hear her approval, see her show me that I'm her one and only and that she adores me as I do her.
All so un-achievable, all so difficult and soul crushing. Even if I did something that I knew would make her proud, I would hope for her approval, her praise, an outburst of sorts. Telling me she's proud, or giving me a smile, a hug, and a kiss. Followed by some words of encouragement.
I would have been so grateful, so happy that I could finally give her something she approved of.
All I ever received was an attitude that told me "You should have already known that. Why would you think that's impressive? Show me something else."
It just hurt, and it still does from everything that's transpired.
It feels like it's been so long now since then, like it was a different time in a different life. Yet I can still remember, and still can feel the hurt, the fear, and the anticipation.
That's the thing about fear, it's a good percentage just anticipating something. The monster under the bed, the thing chasing you in the hall, the hands from under the bed...they never happens. It was the fear that they WOULD happen that kept you afraid. It was never the what are they going to do? It was always about it happening.
Think about it. Most of the time you have a nightmare the monster catches you, you're suddenly awake. You fall from somewhere really high, you wake up. Sure part of it is the adrenalin, but that's because it's the scariest part. The suspense builds it up, the execution jolts terror through you.
My problem is...shes real, and she's still out there somewhere. Given I know she's going to be locked away presumably for a very long time, but as of right now that's still very scary to me.
I mean, I don't think she's going to jump out from under the bed, or gobble me up or anything. It's just the idea that she still has the option to contact me if she wishes to.
So many questions...
What would she want?
What would she say?
How would she do it?
Why would she do it?
Would it be because she still cares?
Would it be because she hates me now?
Does she blame me?
Has she grown from the experience?
What would I say?
How would I react?
Would she even understand?
None of that probably sounds scary to you as the reader, but...it's because she may potentially try to pull me back in, or still be a part of my life.
That's where it all stems to hurt...
I do miss her terribly sometimes.
She did really hurt me more then anyone else.
She had both the power to make me feel like a somebody and a nobody.
She never gave up on what she wanted even if it was out of my power...and it did make her think less of me.
That makes it even more scary...what if she wants to hang out, what if she wants to be my friend or something? I would be so torn. I miss her, but I also know I need to let go because what we had was terribly unhealthy and I won't let myself fall into something like that again.
Just her disappointment would break my heart. The idea that she still holds me dear to some degree, and my deep seeded want for things to have played out differently. So terribly wanting to be able to turn back the hands of time and change all that was to good. Knowing above all emotions that it is a power I will never acquire. That if I give in I will inevitably be miserable, despite the fact that I held out so long just in hopes to find a bit of happiness. Hold onto it, nurture it so it grows to fill our entire relationship. Just waiting, hoping, and praying for a lucky break.
Something I had to realize would never become a reality...so as much as it hurt me I knew I had to let go. That I could never go back, and that she would never understand that I really loved her more then anything and wished so much that I could build us a happy ending to a romance that was far from a fairy tale.
Having to turn her away once more is a horrible thought. Having to relive the pain and guilt, despite knowing it was what was best for both of us.
I couldn't live that life, I could never be what she wanted...and she would never be what I needed.
Sometimes even the idea that she's still out there hurts.
I really don't know what I can do about it. It's just the anticipation.
Even if she never contacts me again, part of me will always wonder if one day she'll come knocking.
I still care about her, I still miss her, and I know she'll probably never be good for me...but some things you just can't change.
I just pray we never cross paths again...only so no one has to get hurt anymore.
I can think back, remember the emotions, the scenarios and almost feel like I was right there all over again.
Back to the innocence, the happiness, and what brought me there in the first place. It almost feels like I'm right there living in that feeling again, in that moment. Still blissfully unaware of the future that was to come.
Though when I focus on the end...or the present, or what could have been...it's all a toss up.
I can either look back and think things could have gone so much better, why couldn't they have?
Just study the facts and try and figure out the endless sea of questions that I know will never truly have answers.
Of course then there's the other view towards it...
The uneasy feeling, my stomach feels as if it's in knots, the nervousness, the fear.
Like the monster under the bed, or the idea that something is chasing behind you as you run back to your room at night, or the hands that you were always so sure we're going to reach up and grab you while you're trying to fall asleep. Only it's more then that...
The monster, the chasing, and the hands can be chalked up to our own illogical fears that we know are complete fiction. Where as my fear is based on nothing but reality, which makes it all the more horrifying.
I cared so much about her, I wanted nothing more then to make her happy, proud of me, and have her love me just as much as I did her. I've had relationships go wrong before, I've had people hurt me...but not like this.
I can safely say it broke my spirit, my hopes of ever making her truly content with being with me, let alone happy.
I was and am afraid of her...she had such power over me. All I wanted was to make things right, keep her happy, hear her approval, see her show me that I'm her one and only and that she adores me as I do her.
All so un-achievable, all so difficult and soul crushing. Even if I did something that I knew would make her proud, I would hope for her approval, her praise, an outburst of sorts. Telling me she's proud, or giving me a smile, a hug, and a kiss. Followed by some words of encouragement.
I would have been so grateful, so happy that I could finally give her something she approved of.
All I ever received was an attitude that told me "You should have already known that. Why would you think that's impressive? Show me something else."
It just hurt, and it still does from everything that's transpired.
It feels like it's been so long now since then, like it was a different time in a different life. Yet I can still remember, and still can feel the hurt, the fear, and the anticipation.
That's the thing about fear, it's a good percentage just anticipating something. The monster under the bed, the thing chasing you in the hall, the hands from under the bed...they never happens. It was the fear that they WOULD happen that kept you afraid. It was never the what are they going to do? It was always about it happening.
Think about it. Most of the time you have a nightmare the monster catches you, you're suddenly awake. You fall from somewhere really high, you wake up. Sure part of it is the adrenalin, but that's because it's the scariest part. The suspense builds it up, the execution jolts terror through you.
My problem is...shes real, and she's still out there somewhere. Given I know she's going to be locked away presumably for a very long time, but as of right now that's still very scary to me.
I mean, I don't think she's going to jump out from under the bed, or gobble me up or anything. It's just the idea that she still has the option to contact me if she wishes to.
So many questions...
What would she want?
What would she say?
How would she do it?
Why would she do it?
Would it be because she still cares?
Would it be because she hates me now?
Does she blame me?
Has she grown from the experience?
What would I say?
How would I react?
Would she even understand?
None of that probably sounds scary to you as the reader, but...it's because she may potentially try to pull me back in, or still be a part of my life.
That's where it all stems to hurt...
I do miss her terribly sometimes.
She did really hurt me more then anyone else.
She had both the power to make me feel like a somebody and a nobody.
She never gave up on what she wanted even if it was out of my power...and it did make her think less of me.
That makes it even more scary...what if she wants to hang out, what if she wants to be my friend or something? I would be so torn. I miss her, but I also know I need to let go because what we had was terribly unhealthy and I won't let myself fall into something like that again.
Just her disappointment would break my heart. The idea that she still holds me dear to some degree, and my deep seeded want for things to have played out differently. So terribly wanting to be able to turn back the hands of time and change all that was to good. Knowing above all emotions that it is a power I will never acquire. That if I give in I will inevitably be miserable, despite the fact that I held out so long just in hopes to find a bit of happiness. Hold onto it, nurture it so it grows to fill our entire relationship. Just waiting, hoping, and praying for a lucky break.
Something I had to realize would never become a reality...so as much as it hurt me I knew I had to let go. That I could never go back, and that she would never understand that I really loved her more then anything and wished so much that I could build us a happy ending to a romance that was far from a fairy tale.
Having to turn her away once more is a horrible thought. Having to relive the pain and guilt, despite knowing it was what was best for both of us.
I couldn't live that life, I could never be what she wanted...and she would never be what I needed.
Sometimes even the idea that she's still out there hurts.
I really don't know what I can do about it. It's just the anticipation.
Even if she never contacts me again, part of me will always wonder if one day she'll come knocking.
I still care about her, I still miss her, and I know she'll probably never be good for me...but some things you just can't change.
I just pray we never cross paths again...only so no one has to get hurt anymore.