Maybe it ain't all so messed up
This is a little bit of a read but it's well worth it.
I wrote this in an old journal when I was fourteen years old, before everything, before everyone, when my life consisted only of my one first love of living flesh and my always eternal love, a gift of imagination for creation in any form of expression..... before I believed they were painfully torn from me. Decieved I had been that young, too niave to know no one can take anything away from who you are except for you. Unknowing of this, I grew yearning for what I thought had been left empty inside me, and by doing so i neglected and i abused and i tortured myself untill I what was left was withered and so easily I had thrown it away. Possessing so much insight into ones self but left without the ability to learn how too affect it seems like such a waste.
Hopefully for those reading this little tidbit of a child's simple self observation written by what had once existed within me will stir a positive vibe through suggesting to aquire knowledge of an honest understanding of ones self.
Throught honesty is understanding, learning why.
when understood why, questions make sense, answers come easily
and when you honestly understand why, you are secure with you answer and there is no need to question anymore. With understanding comes acceptance of the answer, epiphany to it's flexibility and finally your discovery to it's infinate changing possibilities affected by your next choice. You'll always know that you'll be okay if you let yourself. somewhere inside there you know all the parts of the decisions you make and where your choices come from, your subconscous can be consciously guided.
Although I knew somewhat my path ahead of me I never made that choice to change my decisions, I wanted to understand those other people's "why" that nobody normal seemed to know. In the end, although the path and choices identical, my reasons 'why' behind everything remain innocently unfaltered and very very different. Was it a waste? We'll see, but I believe nothing ever is.
So now returning to the point that I so greatly spun-away from for a extended minute, once you understand it's a step ahead, but the information is useless unless you use it. I'm hoping these honest unaltered thoughts of mine so young will be useful to someone if not maybe myself again.
It doesn't hurt to be a failure anymore, I believe in my 'why' and besides, I know now I don't have to be a failure forevermore.
Here goes:::
..
....05:09pm 10/03/2003.. ..
me tinx i underestimate myself quite alot
me tinx i let myself underestimate myself quite alot
I let myself hold myself baq
quite odd that i understand what im doing, yet i let myself continue this harsh abrasive mindset pull me down into this odd little spiral i watch myself spin
Like I tie shackle to my own leg, and let the ball drop
It's quite fun u see
not letting myself free
That way I have an excuse for when I'm hurt
it's just not the best excuse in the world
I'll always find an excuse, cause I'll never let it be my fault
I know it's my fault but I don't believe it, ya know?
denile is a fun thing
that way im never wrong
I've gotta stop tinking the way i tinx, but it just lets me do these things I wouldnt do if I was to change my mindset
things I wouldn't miss
or would i?
I just wish I could clasp the clouds and rip open the sky, grasp god's 'perfect' hand and demand to know why.
Pull him down to the world, open his eyes to see what he knows "Take a look god" then I'll watch his eyes close. "See what I see? You haven't just foresaken me. The rest of it's falling, calling, crawling on it's hands and it's knees" But maybe God's not all that bad, maybe he's not the reason and to whom I should be mad. Maybe he'll open his holy mouth to tell me the truth "It's not all my fault, this problem's yours too. Don't blame me for your dying, your crying, your sighing. You did it yourself and your roots you should find. It's all in your head, from your thought in your mind. I only just created mankind, you should go out and you should find your own way and your own views, if you want to you can pick and you can choose. Let yourself go or hold yourself back, you can cause all your pain and make the whip crack or just release your grip, let go of this trip, let the whip fall and let the tears drip.
"
God's advice would hit me hard, but i still can feel this mental retard.
I refuse to listen to my own words.
I refuse to listen, as most people do, most people don't hear, but I can pick and I choose. I hate what I choose and I won't let it go. I don't know what I refuse, I don't know if I want to know. It's all based on good energy to help flow, but so many don't listen, I know and it shows. Against something beautiful, death, pain, crime, in the name from what others have done for it. I aimed away with my arrow I shot away arrow and my arrow still has not missed it. From my views this is what I see to be, He is dead this story I create in my head. But maybe my head isn't that all messed up inside, I just mix up the peices and spit them at our species, I choose to let my energy recede with the tide.
but
with all of this
I will still always love
and I'll never let love go ..
I wrote this in an old journal when I was fourteen years old, before everything, before everyone, when my life consisted only of my one first love of living flesh and my always eternal love, a gift of imagination for creation in any form of expression..... before I believed they were painfully torn from me. Decieved I had been that young, too niave to know no one can take anything away from who you are except for you. Unknowing of this, I grew yearning for what I thought had been left empty inside me, and by doing so i neglected and i abused and i tortured myself untill I what was left was withered and so easily I had thrown it away. Possessing so much insight into ones self but left without the ability to learn how too affect it seems like such a waste.
Hopefully for those reading this little tidbit of a child's simple self observation written by what had once existed within me will stir a positive vibe through suggesting to aquire knowledge of an honest understanding of ones self.
Throught honesty is understanding, learning why.
when understood why, questions make sense, answers come easily
and when you honestly understand why, you are secure with you answer and there is no need to question anymore. With understanding comes acceptance of the answer, epiphany to it's flexibility and finally your discovery to it's infinate changing possibilities affected by your next choice. You'll always know that you'll be okay if you let yourself. somewhere inside there you know all the parts of the decisions you make and where your choices come from, your subconscous can be consciously guided.
Although I knew somewhat my path ahead of me I never made that choice to change my decisions, I wanted to understand those other people's "why" that nobody normal seemed to know. In the end, although the path and choices identical, my reasons 'why' behind everything remain innocently unfaltered and very very different. Was it a waste? We'll see, but I believe nothing ever is.
So now returning to the point that I so greatly spun-away from for a extended minute, once you understand it's a step ahead, but the information is useless unless you use it. I'm hoping these honest unaltered thoughts of mine so young will be useful to someone if not maybe myself again.
It doesn't hurt to be a failure anymore, I believe in my 'why' and besides, I know now I don't have to be a failure forevermore.
Here goes:::
..
....05:09pm 10/03/2003.. ..
me tinx i underestimate myself quite alot
me tinx i let myself underestimate myself quite alot
I let myself hold myself baq
quite odd that i understand what im doing, yet i let myself continue this harsh abrasive mindset pull me down into this odd little spiral i watch myself spin
Like I tie shackle to my own leg, and let the ball drop
It's quite fun u see
not letting myself free
That way I have an excuse for when I'm hurt
it's just not the best excuse in the world
I'll always find an excuse, cause I'll never let it be my fault
I know it's my fault but I don't believe it, ya know?
denile is a fun thing
that way im never wrong
I've gotta stop tinking the way i tinx, but it just lets me do these things I wouldnt do if I was to change my mindset
things I wouldn't miss
or would i?
I just wish I could clasp the clouds and rip open the sky, grasp god's 'perfect' hand and demand to know why.
Pull him down to the world, open his eyes to see what he knows "Take a look god" then I'll watch his eyes close. "See what I see? You haven't just foresaken me. The rest of it's falling, calling, crawling on it's hands and it's knees" But maybe God's not all that bad, maybe he's not the reason and to whom I should be mad. Maybe he'll open his holy mouth to tell me the truth "It's not all my fault, this problem's yours too. Don't blame me for your dying, your crying, your sighing. You did it yourself and your roots you should find. It's all in your head, from your thought in your mind. I only just created mankind, you should go out and you should find your own way and your own views, if you want to you can pick and you can choose. Let yourself go or hold yourself back, you can cause all your pain and make the whip crack or just release your grip, let go of this trip, let the whip fall and let the tears drip.
"
God's advice would hit me hard, but i still can feel this mental retard.
I refuse to listen to my own words.
I refuse to listen, as most people do, most people don't hear, but I can pick and I choose. I hate what I choose and I won't let it go. I don't know what I refuse, I don't know if I want to know. It's all based on good energy to help flow, but so many don't listen, I know and it shows. Against something beautiful, death, pain, crime, in the name from what others have done for it. I aimed away with my arrow I shot away arrow and my arrow still has not missed it. From my views this is what I see to be, He is dead this story I create in my head. But maybe my head isn't that all messed up inside, I just mix up the peices and spit them at our species, I choose to let my energy recede with the tide.
but
with all of this
I will still always love
and I'll never let love go ..