(no subject)
I really feel that I'm just not wanted at NWSA.
Except for in the orchestra department, which is too small to see.
I've thought a lot about going to a different school- with a larger orchestra, since I've found I mix the most with people who love making music, and are serious about what they do. Maybe I'd feel more at home there.
But I've also thought- what if the same thing happens at another school?
I've never had many friends in school.
Elementary school- 0
Middle School - 1
High school- I dont know who is my friend and who isn't.
And I dont want to look stupid, thinking that people like me.
All of my good friends I've made throughout my life have been from an orchestra, or band.
And they take their music more serious than me. They want to persue a career in the music industry, and I want to look into a job in zoology.
So this has separated us all, we aren't the tight group we used to be in middle school.
On the lighter note, Robert and I have been together for over 3 months now, without any problems at all. I feel like I can tell him everything. He's always there, and he takes care of me when I'm down. Nobody but Caitlyn has really done it.
Sometimes I feel like I depend on others for happiness though. Sometimes to the point where others push me away. And then I don't know what to do. I'm an only child, I'm lonely at home. My parents constantly blame our financial problems on me, and when I try to talk to them about my problems, and vent my angst to them, they just tell me its all in my head. or that my depression is causing me to think like that. Is this true? I dont know.
I'm going in soon for neuropsychological testing. They think I have a learning disorder- since I don't have the ability to really express how I feel into spoken word. It would explain a lot about the disconnect I have with my parents.
Things I want:
friends
a connection with my parents
a job
to lose 5 more lbs.
I'm sick. I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow with Robert. I wont be back for 6 or 7 days. I need this vacation more than I ever thought I would.
Except for in the orchestra department, which is too small to see.
I've thought a lot about going to a different school- with a larger orchestra, since I've found I mix the most with people who love making music, and are serious about what they do. Maybe I'd feel more at home there.
But I've also thought- what if the same thing happens at another school?
I've never had many friends in school.
Elementary school- 0
Middle School - 1
High school- I dont know who is my friend and who isn't.
And I dont want to look stupid, thinking that people like me.
All of my good friends I've made throughout my life have been from an orchestra, or band.
And they take their music more serious than me. They want to persue a career in the music industry, and I want to look into a job in zoology.
So this has separated us all, we aren't the tight group we used to be in middle school.
On the lighter note, Robert and I have been together for over 3 months now, without any problems at all. I feel like I can tell him everything. He's always there, and he takes care of me when I'm down. Nobody but Caitlyn has really done it.
Sometimes I feel like I depend on others for happiness though. Sometimes to the point where others push me away. And then I don't know what to do. I'm an only child, I'm lonely at home. My parents constantly blame our financial problems on me, and when I try to talk to them about my problems, and vent my angst to them, they just tell me its all in my head. or that my depression is causing me to think like that. Is this true? I dont know.
I'm going in soon for neuropsychological testing. They think I have a learning disorder- since I don't have the ability to really express how I feel into spoken word. It would explain a lot about the disconnect I have with my parents.
Things I want:
friends
a connection with my parents
a job
to lose 5 more lbs.
I'm sick. I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow with Robert. I wont be back for 6 or 7 days. I need this vacation more than I ever thought I would.