Thoughts on Bounderies
have been happening a lot here in the house. No, nothing is going wrong with John and I, we're A-Ok. No, this is just in general, and brought on by conversations with friends, family, and the political climate of this place. For the longest time I thought boundaries were things you put into to place to tell others how to behave. "You will not" and " You are not allowed." Over the years I have changed that slightly. People tend to not like being told how they have to behave. And there are always those folks that will, upon seeing said boundary, feel compelled to haul ass over that line just to prove a point. Even if it's detrimental to themselves and their relationships. Now, instead of viewing them as ways of controlling others, I choose to see them as indicators of what you, yourself, will not do/tolerate/whatever. "I will not". First example. I have a friend who went thru a fairly hateful divorce. His now ex wife was and is a piece of work, and even now, 3 years on she is still in his life. But Bee, you say, they have a kid, of course she will be in his life. Yes, they do and yes, because of the kid he can't cut off all ties to her. However. She is CONSTANTLY showing up about dinner time to "visit" and by that I mean, get food. *ANY* problem she has, that has nothing to do with the kid at all, she is on the phone to him and demanding he "do something". She even has this *lovely* habit of calling him on the weekend and saying "Where are you, you're not home, I'm in the driveway." She does this because she got what she said she wanted but really didn't, a divorce. ANd now, she has no friends, and she's *bored* So, let's just make him entertain me. Um........no. So I asked him, why on earth have you not set boundaries? And his response was "How do you set boundaries with someone that refuses to respect them?" I told him he was mistaken, that these boundaries are not for her, but rather, for him. He needs to decide what *he* finds acceptable behavior to allow in his life. As an example, I said, point out to her that her showing up constantly unannounced and uninvited is annoying, and you want it to stop. He said then she doubles down on it and says basically you can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me...... and I said no, you're not. So you tell her this. You are, of course, welcome to make any decision abut your behavior that you want. However. I am telling you that *I* will do this set of things *if this* happens. And one of those things needs to be having the nice police officer help you leave the property. Of course he said great, then she will pitch a fit. Why? I mean, you *told* her what your reaction would be. She made a CHOICE, and *you* stuck to YOUR boundaries. You're not telling her she can't do this at all. You're just stating what your reaction would be. He's learning and getting better about it. I only hope that it gets to where he needs and wants it soon, for his blood-pressures sake.
What's interesting here is that so many folks seem to be doing this. Or maybe they always have and I've only just been made aware of it in the last 10 years. "I want this person to not be like this", " Why are they not doing as I say?" essentially "OMG WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL THEM??!!??!?!?" As I pointed out to my niece long ago while she was going thru her divorce, and recently when she was working on her OkCupid profile, you can not ever control other people, you can only control your OWN reactions, and inform them in advance of that. It's why my own insanely long and really scathing OKStupid profile read the way it did. That way, any choice they make is done with full information, and they can't come back with "But I didn't knoooooooooow". Amusingly the ones that seek that control are usually the ones that will Flip.The fuck.Out if you try to control them. What's also amusing is they fail to see that they are in essence *being* controlled by the person that is forcing them to disregard their personal boundaries. You just spell out what behaviors you are not willing to tolerate and you back that up with actions. You're not controlling them, you are controlling you. It's a very slight but exceedingly important difference I feel.
John and I had this issue with his mother. It has slowed down a lot but even still, it tries to rear it's head. She had, and has, this idea that she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and that behavior was displayed quite clearly while he was living at the other house. When I, being me, called her on it, she flipped her lid, went on about being controlled, and started to step up her behavior. This of course lead to a big fall out, the end result of which was John up and bought a house and moved out leaving her holding the bag. Boundaries. She pushed against his, thinking he would bend his rules for himself. She was wrong. Now that we live in this house, she has tried on a couple of occasions to just come over whenever she wants. A spectacular example of this was about a year ago, when she *insisted* on bringing him luggage. We have luggage. We didn't *need* or want any more luggage, but she was cleaning out her house and felt he should have it. ( another thing that annoys me to no end, she was and is constantly trying to foist things on him that she doesn't want. In some cases it's literally absolute junk, as tho that's all he is deserving of.) At 9 am. On a Saturday. Because she happened to be in the area. With luggage in the car. Did I mention that she lives 40 minutes away? So, she didn't *happen* to be in the area. That is a tactic she (and others) used a LOT at the other place, calling to " make sure it's OK to come on by....." As she was pulling into the driveway. John was informed after the minivan tour incident at the other place, ( a story unto itself) that I would NOT tolerate this behavior. And that if he wanted to allow it, that was fine, but I would have a reaction to it, and then I spelled out said reaction. John then weighed the information and made his choice based on that. And she was kept outside on the front porch and not allowed inside. Which was the main reason for her to come over. It was KILLING her that she wasn't able to come in and do as she pleased. Yesterday she tried to pull it again, with telling him she has a gift for him ( these things always have a gift attached somehow or an *emergency!!!!!* because I guess no one ever refuses a gift or an "emergency"? In any case...) so she'd just come on by with it this morning and they could have lunch! John said "How about I come there, since where you live has a much better selection of lunch places, and that way, you don't need to drive out of your way. Plus, it let's me use the van to check how it runs before I head out on this trip next week." She tried again to get him to let her come out here, but no dice. If she wants to see him, this is how it has to be for now. John knows my boundaries with regard to her, and he has chosen to respect them. I also know his boundaries with regards to her. Which is why I never try to stop him from seeing her when he occasionally chooses to do so. Instead, we have it worked out. He can see her when he wants, but I get to have my home be a sanctuary with out her forcing her way in. It works.
In house stuff, lest you think this is all some sort of philosophical posting, and yet still maintaining the boundary theme, the room is coming together downstairs. I've just a curtain over the doorway for now, but that will do. It's more of a dust barrier really than a hard and fast KEEP OUT thing anyways. In time there will be a proper door so that space can be used as a guest room of a sort if we wish, but for now, I have a nice room for me and my doings. I just need to keep sorting things in it. I want to put sealant on the floor and perhaps that garage spray flooring to help make it not only look nicer but to help keep it from having a wee seepage issue when we get a lot of rain. That's going to have to wait tho. I also need to figure out some means of deer fencing for the garden space. Putting a garden in will be a waste if the stupid deer get their mitts on it before it even has a chance to grow. In a perfect world it would be a nice pole and wire fence with vineing food growing up on it, but, as I am broke ( yay traffic ticket) I'll have to make due with some of that cheap crap plastic fencing netting stuff. One day I'll have that yard whipped into a proper food forest and then I'll not mind the deer snacking, since there will be enough, but until then the little shits need to keep stepping. Anyway, it's a beautiful day here, house is open and airing out and it's warm but breezy outside, so I need to get moving on cleaning up outside stuff while I can.
Kisses!!
Bee!
What's interesting here is that so many folks seem to be doing this. Or maybe they always have and I've only just been made aware of it in the last 10 years. "I want this person to not be like this", " Why are they not doing as I say?" essentially "OMG WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL THEM??!!??!?!?" As I pointed out to my niece long ago while she was going thru her divorce, and recently when she was working on her OkCupid profile, you can not ever control other people, you can only control your OWN reactions, and inform them in advance of that. It's why my own insanely long and really scathing OKStupid profile read the way it did. That way, any choice they make is done with full information, and they can't come back with "But I didn't knoooooooooow". Amusingly the ones that seek that control are usually the ones that will Flip.The fuck.Out if you try to control them. What's also amusing is they fail to see that they are in essence *being* controlled by the person that is forcing them to disregard their personal boundaries. You just spell out what behaviors you are not willing to tolerate and you back that up with actions. You're not controlling them, you are controlling you. It's a very slight but exceedingly important difference I feel.
John and I had this issue with his mother. It has slowed down a lot but even still, it tries to rear it's head. She had, and has, this idea that she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and that behavior was displayed quite clearly while he was living at the other house. When I, being me, called her on it, she flipped her lid, went on about being controlled, and started to step up her behavior. This of course lead to a big fall out, the end result of which was John up and bought a house and moved out leaving her holding the bag. Boundaries. She pushed against his, thinking he would bend his rules for himself. She was wrong. Now that we live in this house, she has tried on a couple of occasions to just come over whenever she wants. A spectacular example of this was about a year ago, when she *insisted* on bringing him luggage. We have luggage. We didn't *need* or want any more luggage, but she was cleaning out her house and felt he should have it. ( another thing that annoys me to no end, she was and is constantly trying to foist things on him that she doesn't want. In some cases it's literally absolute junk, as tho that's all he is deserving of.) At 9 am. On a Saturday. Because she happened to be in the area. With luggage in the car. Did I mention that she lives 40 minutes away? So, she didn't *happen* to be in the area. That is a tactic she (and others) used a LOT at the other place, calling to " make sure it's OK to come on by....." As she was pulling into the driveway. John was informed after the minivan tour incident at the other place, ( a story unto itself) that I would NOT tolerate this behavior. And that if he wanted to allow it, that was fine, but I would have a reaction to it, and then I spelled out said reaction. John then weighed the information and made his choice based on that. And she was kept outside on the front porch and not allowed inside. Which was the main reason for her to come over. It was KILLING her that she wasn't able to come in and do as she pleased. Yesterday she tried to pull it again, with telling him she has a gift for him ( these things always have a gift attached somehow or an *emergency!!!!!* because I guess no one ever refuses a gift or an "emergency"? In any case...) so she'd just come on by with it this morning and they could have lunch! John said "How about I come there, since where you live has a much better selection of lunch places, and that way, you don't need to drive out of your way. Plus, it let's me use the van to check how it runs before I head out on this trip next week." She tried again to get him to let her come out here, but no dice. If she wants to see him, this is how it has to be for now. John knows my boundaries with regard to her, and he has chosen to respect them. I also know his boundaries with regards to her. Which is why I never try to stop him from seeing her when he occasionally chooses to do so. Instead, we have it worked out. He can see her when he wants, but I get to have my home be a sanctuary with out her forcing her way in. It works.
In house stuff, lest you think this is all some sort of philosophical posting, and yet still maintaining the boundary theme, the room is coming together downstairs. I've just a curtain over the doorway for now, but that will do. It's more of a dust barrier really than a hard and fast KEEP OUT thing anyways. In time there will be a proper door so that space can be used as a guest room of a sort if we wish, but for now, I have a nice room for me and my doings. I just need to keep sorting things in it. I want to put sealant on the floor and perhaps that garage spray flooring to help make it not only look nicer but to help keep it from having a wee seepage issue when we get a lot of rain. That's going to have to wait tho. I also need to figure out some means of deer fencing for the garden space. Putting a garden in will be a waste if the stupid deer get their mitts on it before it even has a chance to grow. In a perfect world it would be a nice pole and wire fence with vineing food growing up on it, but, as I am broke ( yay traffic ticket) I'll have to make due with some of that cheap crap plastic fencing netting stuff. One day I'll have that yard whipped into a proper food forest and then I'll not mind the deer snacking, since there will be enough, but until then the little shits need to keep stepping. Anyway, it's a beautiful day here, house is open and airing out and it's warm but breezy outside, so I need to get moving on cleaning up outside stuff while I can.
Kisses!!
Bee!