the reason i live, the reason i love (it's you, you, you)
Dear SHINee,
You have made me happier
than I ever could have imagined
in these past six months since I fell in love with you.
1. Suddenly, you became my passion.
Truth be told, I knew about you back in the summer of last year, too. And the year before that, too.
Back when you were promoting “Juliette,” I watched you dance and sing and felt an electric feeling unlike any other. I watched you and I thought, “These boys have potential, don’t they? They really are impressive…” And I think I knew it even then, subconsciously, that I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off you.
I must have known it then,
But I didn’t pay the feeling any mind.
(How foolish of me, to think that would be the end of us.)
Truth be told, I saw your tears - Jonghyun-ah, Kibum-ah - and even yours, dear Jinki-oppa (but only by a week or two~). And I think I knew it then.
On the very first week you performed on Music Bank and rise up on the charts the minute you came back with your song, Juliette, I watched you all bow in thanks to your fans and everyone that supported you.
And I saw it even back then - the sincere gratitude in your voices, the glow in your eyes - that irrevocable energy to your auras that shone through like nothing else. And I think I knew it even then, subconsciously, that I couldn’t possibly forget you.
I must have known it then,
But still, I resisted your magnetic pull.
(I thought I couldn’t love two groups wholeheartedly.)
I should have known better.
I should have known - from the moment my good friend recommended giving you another try - that you would find your way back into my life far too easily.
I should have known - from the moment I watched the “Ring Ding Dong” music video - that this would be more than a passing fascination.
I should have known - from the moment that I started watching “Hello Baby” - that you would become the second passion I had always thought I could never have.
I should have known it then,
But the future is an uncertain thing, after all.
(I never thought I could grow to love you like I do now.)
+ + + + +
2. You made my Spring Semester that much brighter and SHINee-r. (Hahaha.)
SHINee…did you know I’ve spent almost every break period on Tuesdays and Thursdays watching your reality shows with my good friend, eating lunch in the library just so we could bond over your bond? Did you know I’ve spent so much time thinking about you in these past six months, dreaming about the day I could finally see you in person?
Did you know that I feel something well up in my heart
Each and every time you perform,
Because I can’t contain my excitement and pride over being your fan?
SHINee…do you know how much of a silly noona I’ve become, pining after a group of five younger men who I call “our boys”? Do you know how much time I’ve spent trying to learn the lyrics of your songs, even when I struggle to understand the meaning of them?
Do you know how happy you make me,
Just doing what you do each and every time you appear;
Just by being you?
SHINee...sometimes I think of you and I think of how happy you’ve made me this past half-year. And I still don’t know how you did it.
How do you bring people together the way you do, just with your music and your bright selves?
How do you hold my attention so, when I’ve had so many stones that never turned out to be polished diamonds under my careful gaze?
How do you make the world seem so beautiful, just by being you?
+ + + + +
3. Your friendship reminds me of something I know I’ll always believe in.
I always say I don’t like to compare groups, but unfortunately…I’ve always felt that you had something reminiscent of my first and forever K-Pop love, Dong Bang Shin Ki. Mind you, that was even before I started to see people comparing you to them. I guess I can understand them, really. But even so, the reasons you reminded me of them wasn’t the same reasons others had.
Your friendship reminded of theirs because - just like them - you made me happy just by being together.
I smiled so much watching you ruffle your precious dongsaeng’s hair, Minho-ah, while the two of you waited for the other Dream Team cast members to finish their jumps. Dream Team became the show I looked forward to like no other each and every week, because I loved to see you do your best in every event and watch your eyes flash with such determination.
I laughed every time you looked at Jinki-oppa with equal amounts of admiration and admonishment, Kibum-ah, while he let you wipe the sweat from his face and neck. And I laughed even more when you ‘attacked’ Kibum-ah while he was lying on his futon, Jinki-oppa, during an episode of “Hello Baby” that had to be edited out.
(You always were the two who played on my emotions a bit too much, the ones I would happily see as much the appa/umma pair of the group as much as the ‘good friends’ pair of the group.)
I looked forward to each time you would hi-five each other in JoJo performances, Jonghyun-ah and Minho-ah, because it always seemed to represent your special brand of friendship - actions speaking louder than words, but whispered words the most powerful tool of all in shortening your age gap.
(I remember thinking, at first, that you were one of those pairings that would never catch on for me - until I woke up one day and realized that wasn’t the case; that you always had a hold on me, together, just by being you.)
I smiled at your silly smiles all too easily, Jonghyun-ah and Taemin-ah, whenever you would fool around together and remind me that you were one of the two closest members because you knew each other the longest.
(It always seems like you think of Taemin-ah as less of a younger brother figure than you do an equal…you probably do, don’t you, Jonghyun-ah?)
I felt my heart melt every time you would lean over and give a knowing little smile to Taemin-ah, Jinki-oppa, because it never failed to remind me of how warmly you seemed to regard the youngest member of the group.
(There was a kind of irony to your relationship, the way the oldest member, seemed to bring out the Taemin’s more mature side - and the youngest member always seemed to bring out Jinki’s more childlike side.)
I chuckled over your mischievous antics and misadventures, Jonghyun-ah and Jinki-oppa, because I somehow knew you two were the ones that would get into the most trouble only if you were together.
(Even when it was only for the show, I still couldn’t help but take your friendly partnership seriously because it was just so you.)
I felt my heart skip a beat when you tipped Kibum-ah’s chin up to look at you, Jonghyun-ah, and jokingly asked if he would marry you.
(And I thought, ‘If only you two didn’t seem like such faithful companions, I would be able to pass things like that off as only fanservice’ - except you two, who called yourself the “perfect combination,” made every small moment seem too much like real friendship for me to doubt.)
I felt my mind open up just a little bit more each time you would look after the tallest member of the group, Jinki-oppa, just like a good leader (and a good hyung - and a good friend) would naturally do, even for someone as seemingly self-sufficient as Minho-ah.
I thought so often about how much deeper your umma/son relationship went, Kibum-ah and Taemin-ah, and wondered why I still couldn't wrap my head around why I liked you so much.
(Until recently, I kept thinking maybe I didn't have a reason. And then I realized, at long last, that I didn't have to have a reason why I loved you -- only that I did.)
I sighed a little every time you’d look at Minho-ah without a word, Kibum-ah - as if there were far too much time in the world to joke and play together, and not enough time to convey properly the things you wanted to say.
(The two of you always seemed like you had the kind of friendship that said so much through actions that spoke volumes louder than words alone.)
Your friendship- just like theirs - made me happy just because you all seemed the most content when you were together. And I always loved that about you.
I’ll always love that about you.
+ + + + +
4. Your music brought me so much joy and happiness.
I remember the first song I really loved by you wasn’t “Ring Ding Dong,” even though I grew to love your charismatic new images and first discovered you through the music video & the performance of that song. It wasn’t “JoJo,” either, even though that song will probably always be the SHINee song I’d call my second favorite.
I remember the first song I really loved by you was “Juliette.” And that was even before I became your fan.
I fell for the melody first, the upbeat feeling and the rhythmic danceable melody. Then I fell for your bright image during that time - the styled hair and the experimental fashion and the rainbow of colors assaulting my senses each and every time you came on the music shows to perform.
Then, I fell for your voices - each one of your unique timbres and cadences. And then, I discovered the lyrics and fell in love with that.
But it wasn’t until I re-watched the music video and the performances from that time that I realized what I had felt back then.
Back then, when I watched your tear-streaked face tumble into your hyung-deul’s opened arms, Jonghyun-ah; back then, when I watched you dance with a passion I had never seen before, Taemin-ah; back then, when I watched you deal out the brisk rap parts in the song, Minho-ah, Kibum-ah; back when, when I watched you speak to the crowd and try not to cry, too, as you bowed and thanked everyone you could remember, Jinki-oppa-that was when I felt it.
I felt, for the first time since Dong Bang Shin Ki, a connection with the boys I saw on my television screen; an emotional connection that I knew couldn’t be severed.
And I thought right then and there that it was your music - your music - that did that to me.
+ + + + +
5. I love you more and more with each day’s passing.
Call it obsession. Call it blind adoration. Call it a flight of fancy, a cruel joke, or a fad that soon will fade.
But whatever you call this love,
I can’t change my feelings.
My heart has already made its decision.
I love you, Taemin-ah - for your bright sunshine smiles, your awkward attempts at humor, your pure and glowing eyes each and every time you perform, and so much more - just the way you are. So don’t worry, okay? People might call you “autistic-looking” or too much of a “pretty boy” or a bad dancer, but I’ve never once thought that.
And you’ll always be the number one Makdoongie Taemin in my heart.
I love you, Minho-ah - for your silent but strong act, your mismatched eye smiles, your endless passion and determination each and every time you perform, and so much more - just the way you are. So don’t stray from the path you’re on, okay? People might call you “useless” or too much of a “flower boy” or a bad rapper, but I’ve never once thought that.
And you’ll always be the one and only Flaming Charisma in my heart.
I love you, Kibum-ah - for your sometimes brutal honesty, your penchant for girl group dances, your beautiful rapping and singing voice when you perform, and so much more - just the way you are. So don’t fret, alright? People might call you “gay” or too much of a “talentless” idol or a too-flamboyant “diva,” but I’ve never once thought that.
And you’ll always be the one and only Almighty Key in my heart.
I love you, Jonghyun-ah - for your childish ways, your playful faces, your boundless passion for music and singing, and so much more - just the way you are. So don’t ever change, okay? People might call you “stupid” or too much of an “attention-seeker” or a “mean” person, but I’ve never once thought that.
And you’ll always be number one Bling-Bling Jonghyun in my heart.
I love you, Jinki-oppa - for your quirky nature that comes out suddenly, your charming smile and laughter, your rich and soulful voice, and so much more - just the way you are. So don’t ever think you need to conform, okay? People might call you a “coward” or a too much of a “Peter Pan” idol to be believed or a bad leader, but I’ve never once thought that.
And you’ll always be the best and only Leader for SHINee in my heart.
I’ll always love you, SHINee - for your songs about love and believing in second chances, for your positivity and the happiness you bring people, for your handsome faces and your powerful dances and your always-evolving voices and images and for just being you - because you made me happier than I ever dreamed possible these past six months.
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To the members of my favorite “contemporary boy band,”
Happy 2nd Anniversary-
And here’s to hoping for many, many more to celebrate in the future!
