(no subject)
organizational skills lol. damn. isn't really a story... more like, a bunch of stories within a story. literary term = frame story. lol. i duno. if you read it, that's cool. if not, it was more for myself, anyway ;]
Title: Mixed Up - Mentally and Musically
Date: 06/12/05
Genre: thoughts… literally. Journal-entry-ish.
Summary: This may be one of the hardest things to do… ever.
Disclaimer: Please tell me I’m not the only one with these kinds of thoughts lol
Mixed Up - Mentally and Musically
My internet connection’s down again. Go figure. Dad got on the computer this morning and BAM! Nothing works. Surprise, surprise. If I get that bad with technology when I’m older, shoot me. You said that to me once. Speaking of you, you’re the only reason I ever go online anymore, anyway. And since you’re elsewhere, most likely sleeping, it doesn’t really matter that I can’t get on. So. Oh well.
But yet, I still sit here at this computer. Because computer equals music. Music equals 2AM happiness. Though it’s not that I’m not happy at the moment. I’m just bored. Very bored.
As I scroll through the 734 music files in my Limewire, I get an idea that I think is not only brilliant and sweet and possibly cute, but it’s something that will take up some of my time until my mind gets as tired as the rest of me.
I’m gonna make you a mix. Insert grin.
I’d like to start a paragraph with “Little do I know…”, but I can’t. I already know this is going to be more difficult than it has to be. Because music to me just isn’t music. If I like a song, it’s not just the beat I like. Especially with this kind of music. I’ve compiled a list of 40 plus love songs.
Love songs are so complicated.
This cd is going to be hell.
Though, I could simply say, “They’re just pretty songs, don’t think into them,” and you’d most likely believe me, you’d have to know deep down that I really do like the messages and meanings in the songs I select. After all, I am a girl. Girls do these things.
If a girl sends you a song, look up the lyrics. Even if she says, “It’s just a good song. Listen to the music,” there’s an extremely good chance that it’s not just the drums and guitar she wants you to pay attention to. If a girl sends you a song, seriously… look up the lyrics. Evaluate the various meanings. Girls get disappointed when you simply say, “Yeah, the beat’s good”. It’s like… ew. You’re dense. Grow a brain.
I want all of these songs to say that I love you in some way. Just because I’m in a lovey mood. And one can never hear that they’re loved too many times.
The only thing is… though I want you to smile… I don’t want you to be completely creeped out. I’m not obsessed. I’m not infatuated. Maybe I don’t want every song to say I love you… Some of the songs I definitely want to remind you of me. Or I want you to remember a time we listened to it. I want you to think the things that I think when I listen to them. I want you to remember where we were. I want you to remember what we were doing.
There’s a good chance that you won’t, though. You once told me you listen to music just to listen. You don’t take it in. You don’t think about it. You like to leave your brain turned off when you’re listening. I, however, take it all in. The beat. The words. The meaning. Everything. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer. Maybe it’s because I like to interpret things as many ways as I possibly can. Maybe just because it’s in my nature as a member of the female race. I’m not quite sure. But I do it. And I wish you did sometimes, too. Or at least ask about it. I’ll explain it. I like explaining things. You know this.
And since you know this, and mostly everything else about me, you should know to evaluate these songs. That’s why, if you actually do think about this, I don’t want to come off as disgustingly in love. I just want you to think, “Aw, that’s cute.. I like this,” and that’s about it.
I have to watch what I put on here. Because I don’t want “Everything I Do, I Do it for You” to be interpreted in a bad way, as if to say that I don’t do anything without thinking of you. That’s not it. That’s one of those songs that are just pretty. So maybe I won’t put that on here. Same thing with “If You’re Not the One”. It’s about like, marriage. I don’t want that. That not only would scare you, but it’d scare me, too. Though it’s a very sweet song. “I hope you’re the one I share my life with” is a very nice lyric, but… ya know. I know how that could be taken. And I don’t want to cause any scary future drama.
Why is this so hard? Am I the only one that does this? I just want it to be perfect with no confusion.
There’s certain songs that I’m positively sure of that are going on here because no matter how many times I hear them, I can’t get sick of them. And you, the same. They’re our songs. Some are official, some have been played over and over again and an understanding has been made without us having to say anything. “More Than a Feeling” is a group song. Everyone knows that one. Everyone shouts it at the top of our lungs when we hear it. We hit the notes so poorly that the car windows might shatter. It’s a fun song. That’s a keeper. “I’ll Make Love to You” is eh… I don’t know. That’s a confusing one. Maybe that won’t go on yet. “I’ll Be Right There Waiting for You”… have to think about that one. “Yellow” by Coldplay is a definite. You know how much I love that song. It’s in my profile right now. You brought it up the other day, too. You were all smiley and you were like, “You like this onnneee” and I grinned and nodded. Because not only did you remember, but you got all smiley, too. And that was cute. “Hands Down” is one of those understanding ones. You like it. I put the lyrics in my profile when we first got together. It applies very well.
I have a selection of your favorite band on here, too. Not because it’s your favorite, but because I enjoy these songs, as well. “Lovers Tonight, Friends Tomorrow” was kind of what we were doing in the beginning. So I guess that can stay. But if I run out of room, it’ll go. “Angel” has to stay. Because that was our second song. That one’s the big one. That one applies in every way possible. It’s perfect. You refer to me as your angel on occasion. It’s corny, but I love it. “Crash into Me” is an understood one, as well. I remember the first time I heard it, we’d just gotten done listening to my Jimmy Eat World cd and we were cuddled up in my bed. It was sometime towards the end of winter. Before anything happened between us. And you sang the words you remembered. You hadn’t heard it in a while. I downloaded it that night and played it on repeat. And then it went on my myspace. And they played it at prom. And we held each other tight and sang to each other.
I hope you remember these kinds of things when you listen to this CD.
“I Love You Always Forever” is an iffy one. You know I love this song. You know it reminds me of you because of your blues eyes and the fact that I’m absolutely in love with them. But I think you already know these things, so maybe it can be skipped.
“I’ll be Your Crying Shoulder” was on the Christmas CD I made for you. That one only works on your computer. I don’t think you even listen to it, honestly. Ever. That’ll probably happen with this one. I mean, what guy sits around and listens to love songs? Really. But hey, at least you’ll have it. And if it’s a total bomb, it’s the thought that counts… and at least I tried.
“I Just Wanna be With You”. Hm… that one I have to listen to. Enrique. Hm… Nah. “Now that you’re gone..” equals nope. Because you’re not gone. You’re hereee. With meeee. =D <- Yes, that is necessary.
Goo Goo Dolls. “Slide”. You know how much I love this song. This one makes me happy and bouncy. It’s going on there. As well as “Iris” because not only do we both really love that song, but it’s the ringtone that sounds when you call my cell from your cell. You said something about it the other day. “I heard the music that plays when I call you the other day. I was like, “aww,” and it made me smile.” That made me smile. I think that’s another understood one.
“Niki FM” earns a spot simply because you said to me once, “I’m outside your window with your radio”, and I laughed. You love this song. Therefore, it’s on.
“You’re making me like all this girly music,” were the words you said to me the one day when “Collide” came on the radio and you turned it up and started singing. I once said I liked the song. And you asked me to send it to you. But I never once said, “Youhavetolikethismusicorelse.” But anyway, “Collide” makes us smile. So that goes on. And “Brace Yourself” is going on because I like it.
“For Me This is Heaven” and “Work” are great. I played “Work” for you the day we listened to “Crash Into Me”. I played it twice, actually. I had my head on your chest and I could feel your heart beat quicken at one point. Back then, though, I was simply trying to send the signals that I wished you’d pick up on. I told you to listen to it. It was a good song. Just like I mentioned above, that’s not what I meant. I remember you sighing. But you never said anything. I know you knew what I was trying to get across. I just wish you would’ve said something sooner because I thought you were an idiot for about 10 months. Asshole. “For Me This is Heaven” is going on because I love the lyric, “Do you still feel the butterflies?” I do still get butterflies. When I go to get you, as soon as I turn on Arch street, I get them every time. It never fails. I got them every day before 3rd period during the school year. I got them every day at the end of 7th. I get them when your ring tone goes off. I often wonder if you ever get them anymore. I remember the one night on the phone, either the night before you first kissed me, or the night of those first kisses, you said to me, “You know that feeling when you look at someone and you get butterflies?” And I smiled, imagining what you were possibly going to say next, and replied with a ‘yeah’. You went on. “Well, I was watching you in History today - you were like, reading - and I mean, I’ve had that feeling before, but this time it was really strong. And I guess… that’s when it clicked.” I don’t know if you’ll ever know the amount of butterflies I got at that very moment. I don’t know if you could imagine the smile I had on my face or the happiness I had to overcome to get myself to sleep that night. Every time I think about it, I can’t help but grin like an idiot. I’m so in love with you. I still get butterflies. And they feel amazing. I hope you still get them. Yes, there’s a wonderfully beautiful amount of comfort between us, but it’s not nervous butterflies. It’s happy butterflies. Anxious ones. Ican’twaittoseeyou butterflies. And I love it. As much as I love you.
“All My Life” came on in the car today. You turned it up, reached over and put your hand on my leg, turned your head, and sang to me while I drove. I thought it was beyond cute, but if I don’t keep my eyes on the rode, I’m screwed. You know this. Therefore, I hope you weren’t disappointed when I didn’t give a completely aww-ed reaction. I remember the one night a while back, I was online singing to everyone I possibly could and I was typing like a madwoman and that song came on when I was talking to you and I sent it and you were all, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that”. And I knew for a fact that you had. Everyone has. I had my first slowdance to this song. Though it was in seventh grade and it wasn’t with you. Whoops. But I knew you knew it. So I sent it to you. And I was right. We listened to it twice before prom and when prom came around and it came on, we danced in silence and you held me tight against you. It was comforting after such a dramatic night. This one’s one of our understood ones, too, I believe.
“A Moment Like This” would’ve been a song I would have never considered. You brought it up one night on the phone. “You know that song in the Sandals commercial?” you said. I replied with a yes and you said, “That kind of reminds me of us. It comes on at work a lot, too.” So I downloaded it and listened to it and the next night, you were over and we watched A Walk to Remember and afterwards - after you aloe-d my sunburn on my back - I put together a five song playlist and climbed back in bed with you. This song came on and at first, you didn’t remember it, but I told you to keep listening, and when it did come on, you smiled real big. And my heart jumped.
“You Found Me” is kind of a from me to you type of song. “You found me when no one else was looking / How did you know just where I would be? / You broke through all of my confusion / The ups and the downs and you still didn’t leave / I guess that you saw what nobody could see / You found me” completely applies to not even our relationship, but our whole friendship. You know I owe you my life. If I hadn’t enjoyed your company and allowed you to pull me into your group of friends, if you hadn’t given me advice and simply just listened to me while I ranted about what I thought was a pretty shitty life, I probably would’ve gone ahead with doing stupid things and wasting nights crying and feeling sorry for myself. I wallowed in so much self pity. And… well. Needless to say, now I don’t. I’ve never been happier. And I believe I owe most of that to you. Because you found me and fixed me when I was broke. And I love you for that.
“You and Me”, “Breathing”, and “Hanging by a Moment” all make the CD. I’ll cut others out if I have to. These are songs that completely scream our names with a big heart around them. The first time I played “You and Me” for you was last week. We were in your computer room/dining room and you were sitting on the floor next to me, playing with your digital camera, looking absolutely adorable. I was in your computer chair, hunting through the music files on your computer. And I downloaded this one. And I started playing it and you spun me towards you, pushed yourself up on your knees, and kissed me with a little more force than usual. I loved it. You claimed to really like the song. And we played it again. And kissed through half of it. Then “Breathing” finished downloading and I played that one and you snaked your way between my legs, wrapped your arms around my waist, and put your head on my chest. I ran my fingers through your hair and we listened in silence. It’s a beautiful song. “Hanging by a Moment” has always reminded me of you. Every time I hear the first chord, I know the song and I get butterflies. I have it on a million mix cds. It’s the ring tone that sounds when you call me from your house phone. Every word of it applies. I remember the one day it came on way before I even started hinting at my feelings. We always had a touchy feely cuddly friendship. Always. That’s the way we are. And it came on after a Coheed song on my happy mix and for some reason, you got up from the computer, whined a “lay with meeee”, and cuddled up next to me with your arms around me and your head on my chest. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know if I was supposed to think. I don’t even know if you remember that night or not. I don’t even think we were doing anything. I think we were just hanging out, actually. Nothing too special. Maybe you were working on something? I really don’t know. But that was the first time. I also remember it coming on in the car when we went to get ice cream the week of our first kisses. It was a Monday. It was the day I found out that you kissed that bitch at a party the weekend before. You were drunk. You felt bad. But we weren’t together. Feelings weren’t voiced. There was no commitment. At that point, it shouldn’t have mattered who you kissed. But it had. To both of us. You felt bad, but I felt worse. But we kept our plans and went out. You apologized a lot. You had no reason to besides the fact that you lied to me about it. You claimed nothing important happened. As your best friend, I was entitled to hear about that from you. Not four people in my 4th period class. That was the day we agreed no more lying. From either of us. I don’t know if you’ve lied to me since. You’re a great bullshitter and an amazing liar. That makes me kind of… hm… debatable sometimes. But I choose to believe you. If you love me, you won’t lie to me. But anyway, the song came on in the car. And you put your head on my shoulder. And I wanted you to kiss me so bad. But you didn’t.
“Crush” is something I have to think about. Half of the song applies now, half of it doesn’t.
Please tell me there’s other people out there who put this much thought into cds they make for their boyfriends. Pleeease. This is sickening. It’s 5 after 3 in the morning. My eyes are finally tiring. Hopefully I get this done soon. I’m in the Ms, at least.
Hm… “Crush”. Definitely used to apply completely. I guess the only part that doesn’t fit is, “You say exactly how you feel about her / I wonder, could you ever think of me that way?” Hm.. maybe I’ll save space and just keep it off.
“If I Am” is pretty much saying that if you expect me to fail you and disappoint you, you’ve got another thing coming. [I just got excited, I thought I heard your ring tone go off… you didn’t call me tonight. But I’m not letting it bother me because I know the wedding probably tired you out and I know you were planning on getting home late, anyway. You didn’t answer the three times I tried tonight so I don’t know. I’ll catch you in the morning, hopefully. I give a hell of a lot of leeway]. I won’t let you down. I won’t disappoint you. “If I am another waste of everything you hope for / I will let you down / If I am only here to watch you as you suffer / I will let you down” is saying I won’t just stand around and let you be hurt and things along those lines. If you think I’m going to hurt you, I’m going to let you down. Because I won’t hurt you. Because I love you.
I happen to love “Emergency Exit”. So this will probably go on if there’s room. Simply because of the chorus and last lines. “And I… love you to death”. I don’t even think I have to go into any thought on that one.
“Save Yourself” is a big one that I’m contemplating. Because you didn’t save yourself. And we both wish you had. It might make you sad. I don’t want to make you sad. I know you already feel stupid. I know you regret it. But it really is a good song. And it really does make one think. But I don’t want to make you feel bad. This song’s made me cry when the thought of you pops into my mind when I hear it. When I think of it and apply it to my own life, I have nothing to be ashamed of. “And I wanna learn, can you save yourself / for someone who loves you for love / so many times we just give it away / to someone who couldn’t even remember your name / could you save yourself / for someone who loves you for you, loves me for me / could you save yourself / for someone who, someone who would cherish your name”. Ugh, this one’s so hard. Maybe you’ll take it a different way. Maybe you won’t apply it to yourself. Maybe you’ll apply it to me and get a different meaning out of it.
Or you just won’t think about it at all. Because you tend to do that.
“Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” is a definite for this. If we hadn’t had overplayed “Build Me Up, Buttercup”, I’d throw that on here, too. But we killed that one. This one, though. My favorite memory of prom was singing this and buttercup with you while we fooled around and danced. That whole block of songs was the most fun I had that night. “Sugar pie, honey bunch, you know that I love you / Can’t help myself, I love you and nobody else” coming from you as you looked down at me made my heart flutter.
And finally, our all time favorite song. “Pretty Baby” is not only your favorite song of ours, but mine, as well. I remember downloading it and applying the lyric, “Oh just the scent of you, it makes me hurt / So how’s it you that makes me better” over and over again because your smell would remain on my sheets and pillows when you’d leave and I’d be stuck laying in bed at night, smelling you, and knowing that you weren’t mine. And honestly thinking that you might never be. And that hurt. So bad. But now, those are the only lines that don’t normally apply. Except for when I miss you and open the little travel size axe you left for me the night after prom. I smell it, smile, and am happy. You once said, “This is definitely us before we started going out”. Yes, that’s true. But it’s definitely us, now, too. You know every word of this song, just like I do. It’s such a cute song. I love it. It’s perfect. I save smiles for you all the time. I remember first playing this one for you either the night we kissed or the night after. I don’t remember. Everything from that week is so meshed together. It was like one, long, perfect week. Every day something amazing happened. April 10th through 17th were probably the cutest days of my life, so far.
You know this.
Let’s see. I have to see how many minutes these are and what to get rid of. This is the depressing part because I have a feeling I’ll be cutting things I don’t want to.
By the way, it’s 3:24. And I really am missing you right now. These songs are making me lovey and I have no one to harass until I get some lovin’. ;]
Maybe I’ll take “More Than a Feeling” off. It doesn’t really fit with the rest of the songs. Though, neither does “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch”, but there’s no way that’s going. Hm, ok. “I’ll Be Right Here Waiting for You” isn’t something I want on here. So that’s going. Now that I think about it, I can probably make a second one out of all the songs that aren’t in my Limewire folder. But I can save that for a different day. Because I want to go to bed by 4. I don’t even have any CDs up here. I’ll have to run down and get them eventually. Maybe in the morning. Ugh, the morning. I can’t wait to shower. I think I’ll shower, call you, arrange a meeting before you have to go to work, burn this CD, and then surprise you with it.
I wonder if you’ll roll your eyes. I bet you will. Bastard.
But it’ll be a, “Why’d you do this?” kind of eye roll. It’s not necessary. But hey, I’m bored and I’m thinking of you. “I think of you when I’m bored,” once came out of your mouth. Well, I do the same sometimes. Sue me.
Now comes the arrangement. I’m normally pretty good at this. I normally start a CD off with a medium pace. Then I keep it up to the fast songs, then I wind it down to the slow ones, then I finish off with a few mediums and a few more fast. It’s a gradual thing. I listen to the beginnings and ends and see if they flow. But I think I might just shuffle this one 17 times since 17’s my favorite number and we’ll see how it ends up. A lot of people make mixes and they really are mixed. Like there’s rap in with rock and r&b and sometimes I can do that. And sometimes I can’t. Like, right now, I’m thinking maybe I should put them in order of soft rock, r&b, and then pop. But then it’s not really mixed up. It actually did end up with the gradual thing I do. I have to see how much time it is.
Fuck. 80 minute cd. And the list is 92:40. Damnit. That’s like, three or four songs. Well, let’s see. That one Dave song can come off, I suppose. Ok, that makes 87. Uhm. Wow. I hate this part. I said it was depressing. I HATE FUCKING BUGS. One just flew at me from god knows where and scared the living daylight out of me. They get in through the fucking cracks under my air condition. And I hate them. They can be the tiniest things and they scare the hell out of me. When I see one, I freak out. I start scratching my head and I get paranoid that they’re gonna land on me when I go to bed. I fucking hate bugs. Fucking fucking fucking hate them. God damnit.
You know I hate bugs. You like when I scream and run away from them. Ass.
Hm. Maybe “Save Yourself” can go so you don’t interpret it wrong. Ok. 84. I suppose “Slide” isn’t really a love song. It’s just a bouncy, jumpy one. I can stick that on anything. Maybe I’ll do that. 81. God and baby Jesus! “Niki FM”. I know you love it, but it doesn’t necessarily fit. I’ll make you a mix with it when you’re around and can help me pick songs. It’ll be one like you make. Completely mixed up with no thought what so ever to it. Ok. 77:01. We’re in business.
Final Track List, Entitled "Me and You":
01. Jimmy Eat World - For Me This is Heaven
02. KC & Jo Jo - All My Life
03. Sense Field - Emergency Exit
04. Kelly Clarkson - You Found Me
05. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
06. Dave Matthews Band - Angel
07. Vanessa Carlton - Pretty Baby
08. Coldplay - Yellow
09. Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
10. Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This
11. Lifehouse - Breathing
12. Jimmy Eat World - Work
13. Dave Matthews Band - Crash into Me
14. Howie Day - Collide
15. Nine Days - If I Am
16. Lifehouse - You and Me
17. Howie Day - Brace Yourself
18. Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment
19. The Temptations - Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch
After an hour and 46 minutes, we have a winning playlist. And probably a completely bored audience. I’m sorry if you actually read this and thought it was going to be a story. Actually, it kind of is a story. A frame story. Ya know, a story within a story. There were lots of little stories in there. I actually enjoyed typing this all out. Gives me a sense of direction. I organized my thoughts well, I guess. I don’t know. At least you got a bunch of song ideas if you ever find yourself making a mix for the one your heart belongs to.
But here… this can get a response: Am I neurotic or do you guys do this, too?
[Edit]
“If I Am” was playing in the car yesterday…
Song: I wanna be with you forever, if tomorrow’s not too late.
You: Tomorrow’s not too late…. =D
[/Edit]