Your Biggest Fan - 17/?
Title: Your Biggest Fan
Chapter: 17/?
Fandom: Twilight
By: bythedamned
Rating: NC-17 overall
Chapter Wordcount: 7,537
Genre: AU, Slash
Pairing: Edward/Jasper
Summary: Throughout high school, the shy and over-burdened Edward Masen threw himself into work and raising his baby sister. He's always felt lucky just to be friends with track star Jasper Cullen. Now, he doesn't know if just friends is enough. AH AU Slash.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns, I just play
A/N: Thanks to my awesome beta, elveys_stuff
While I was texting with Alice on Thanksgiving Day, Jasper was perfecting the art of being studiously aloof. He pulled it off pretty well, since casual was his default mode anyway, but I still noticed. It was ridiculous that when I would just slip my phone out of my pocket to type a quick reply he would look away, pretending to be mildly interested in the TV or something out the window. When he started picking at his own shirt, I stretched my leg all the way over to where he was standing and gave him an exaggerated toe-nudge.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and met my eyes. Then, with that same dryly polite tone I heard him use so much at school, he asked, “How’s Alice?”
I let out a silent sigh. He was still mad at her. But I couldn’t not try to mend bridges, so I had attempted a generic Thanksgiving text to test the waters.
The text I’d gotten back had been lighthearted enough.
we’re already on the res, no turkey at all!
So I’d replied in turn: What about Bella’s? Her turkey rocks
A little while later, my phone had buzzed with: she skipped it cuz jake invited us over early, and she wanted to come. plus there’s a game on
I’d known we were just playing at being fine, at being a brother and sister simply chatting on a holiday. Jas didn’t approve, but at least it was a better band-aid than silence. I’d raised an eyebrow at my phone, rereading the latest text, before I answered.
That’s when Jasper’s faked disinterest became nudge-worthy.
“Alice says there’s no turkey,” I answered, “and that the res kids are using their ancient charms on her and Bella. I’m thinking we should kick their ass extra hard next semester just to keep them in line.”
Even though he rolled his eyes, the set of his shoulders dropped and I even got a little half-smile out of him.
“Like the Wolves stand a chance. Why no turkey?”
Reaching out an arm for him, I looped it around his waist to pull him close.
“Probably something about stealing their land, corn, and sixteen hundred meter record,” I said with a smugly conspiratorial grin. Jas held that record for all of Washington State.
He gave me a real smile that time, one that showed in his eyes and the tiny hints of his dimples, and I considered it a mission accomplished.
The rest of our Thanksgiving break went smoothly, despite a few huffy insults from Rosalie until Emmett showed up and they camped out in her room, and I didn’t have to worry about making Jas smile.
Because that had definitely become one of my new pastimes. There were pros and cons to it - the downside being that when he was uneasy I could feel it too, but the up was that as soon as he was happy, everything felt right and peaceful again. It was a powerful urge, to poke and pester him with silly comments until he was smiling again, and I blamed it entirely on that crazy feeling I had.
… that crazy feeling that had been growing and morphing in ways I’d never expected. It was no longer just the way I felt calmer and brighter when Jas was touching me, or near me, but something that affected me all day long. With the sheer amount of time we spent together I hadn’t thought we could get any closer but, for some reason, when I woke up in the morning I was still anxious to see him. The edgy longing had somehow evolved into something even more potent, something practically tangible that was more an experience than an emotion - something with capital letters and its own fanfare that made it impossible to ignore. It was a Crazy Feeling.
That morning I’d woken up groggy long before I should have, but the possibility of creeping down the hall to see Jasper made it impossible to fall back asleep, keeping my mind whirring with plans and possibilities. Even after a night of heartfelt spooning, I’d still wanted more. Not just physically - I wanted to think that Jas and I had been keeping each other happily satisfied with our nightly trysts - but emotionally. Even when he whispered how happy he was into my ear I still ached for something more, to be more, but I didn’t know what more there was. And not being able to pin that feeling down was really starting to unnerve me.
At first, I thought maybe it was just because Jas had been busy over the break. He’d had the first of many deadlines for his bio project with Tyler coming up, and they’d had a lot of last minute brainstorming to do. Knowing Tyler, I was pretty sure any scrambling they did wasn’t Jasper’s fault.
So I chalked my anxiety up to the gap of alone time that interrupted our otherwise intertwined schedules. Or at least I wanted to, but that excuse fell flat the moment I even thought it. The truth was, we had found plenty of time for ourselves.
We’d stayed in bed til late, making our lazy way into the kitchen for brunch and letting Carlisle think we’d just woken up when he compared our sleeping habits to the living dead. We’d gone for a few runs together, and even gone out for pizza with the guys on Sunday, once everyone’s turkey stores had run low.
And that was only the days.
At night, well… I knew it was sort of a given, but I still felt like Jas and I had only just figured out how awesome blowjobs were. Actually, awesome didn’t even begin to cover it - they were, hands down, the best thing I’d ever felt. It’s not like Jas or I were pros at it - I was still working on my gag reflex, and the swallowing dilemma had come up more than once - but we’d certainly put in a lot of practice over the past few weeks. And Jas and I had whole heartily agreed that those happy ends were well worth any sliminess we had to deal with.
Now I understood why Tyler and Yorkie wouldn’t shut up about girls. I mean, if that was how they were getting their BJs, no wonder they thought women were the key to heaven on earth. Anyone who put up with that aftertaste was a saint.
With Carlisle working and Esme making the best of Black Friday, the morning after Thanksgiving was the perfect time for a slow and, for once, well-lit bout of nakedness. And with the door locked, no less. It was really nice to be able to wake up and work off our tension together, especially since my constant morning wood was the over eager kind of soldier, rising sharply before the sun was up and saluting Jasper rigidly every morning without fail.
Private Masen reporting for duty, sir!
Now, several days later as I was trying and failing to get some work done, I knew that as enjoyable as those memories were, they were also proof that this Crazy Feeling wasn’t just from missing him. And, in reality, the time apart was probably good for us, if only because Esme had pointed out that the break “would be a good time to make a dent in those applications.” And she’d meant it.
Damn.
College apps were a bitch. I mean, who cares what ‘seemingly-simple skill has contributed to my sense of self’ or ‘what fictional or historical figure I’d most like to meet, and why?’ Why did all these preppy colleges want obnoxious supplemental essays?
I’d thrown out a few of the less important colleges I’d originally listed for Mrs. Cope right off the bat, just because they thought they were too good for the common app, and I wasn’t motivated enough to write them four separate essays. Plus, who wants to live in Missouri anyway?
I’d also nixed all the local colleges. Now that I wasn’t trying to keep up appearances, I could admit that if I ever ended up back in Washington to look after Ali - unlikely as that obviously was - I would need a paying job, not twenty thousand dollars in student loans.
Even after whittling the pile down as far as I could, I was still overwhelmed by the sheer number of essays I had to write, not to mention the grueling editing and re-editing process that Esme had already alluded to. I think the numbed panic must have shown on my face when I sat down for lunch on Saturday, because that’s when Esme’d put her attentive-mothering skills to use.
After eating, she’d insisted we print out all the essay prompts and take a look at them together. Then, twisting an archaic number two pencil from the kitchen drawer, she’d explained what months of over-preparing on Jasper’s behalf had taught her.
“Not that he needed it,” she’d said, smiling like that was some kind of inside joke. “Sometimes I think he did Early Decision just to avoid this kind of hassle.” Then she’d pulled all the applications strewn across the table toward us, lining them up neatly. “At least I can put all this knowledge to good use.”
We’d talked a little about what I wanted the application committees to know about me and what I was comfortable putting on paper. Then, after a few moments where she bounced her pencil against the table by its eraser, she’d put several faint, easy-to-erase stars next to a few essay topics.
“Okay, so if you start with how much your mom meant to you when you were younger,” she’d started slowly, tapping the Princeton app, “and then segue into how her metastasis triggered your curiosity in research,” the pencil had drifted over to Cornell’s page, “you can knock off the influential person and academic interests essays in one.”
And that, actually, had made a lot of sense. It seemed like Esme always knew little tricks like those. So we’d worked out how to double up a few of the others, and I’d made sure she knew she had my undying gratitude. Because, seriously, the less time I had to spend in essay hell, the better.
Still, though, any time spent there was too long. By Monday I already felt like I should get a time share, or something, because a good portion of my homework time was spent writing jumbled paragraphs at my computer and then pounding the backspace key until the page was miserably blank again. Jas had offered to read my first draft, which was probably a good idea considering how much better he was with words and topic sentences, but that required me to actually finish a draft first.
Around ten, I gave up for the night, tucking my real homework into my backpack and checking my wallet for ticket money before traipsing down the hall to find Jas. I was supposed to find Ali in the morning to buy our Midsummer tickets for closing night, because she was sure they were going to sell out.
I highly doubted it.
When I slipped into Jas’s room, he seemed just as aggravated with his computer as I was, judging by the loud clacks of his typing.
I settled myself leaning against his desk, raising one questioning eyebrow.
He hit the return key with a final exaggerated jab, and then looked up at me. “I hate your subject.”
I had to grin when he whined like that, like Biology ever did anything to him. Besides, he was still good at it, even if he hated all the memorization.
“My subject is awesome, it’s just Mr. Banner that sucks.”
“No,” he said, still petulant, “it’s Tyler that sucks.”
Ahh. I knew I should’ve seen that coming. I reached for his closest hand, pulling it up against my chest and slowly running both my thumbs across his palm in a gesture my mom used to do. “What’d he do?”
He let out a big huff of a sigh, then settled back into his chair to enjoy the massage.
He started to tell me, while I massaged first his right hand, then his left. Tyler sounded like an awful and incompetent partner, leaving Jas to do the same work over and over.
“Jas, I don’t get it. Why’d you even decide to partner up with him in the first place?”
He shrugged, that telltale shrug that used to drive me nuts. Jas had sort of dropped it from his verbal vocabulary lately, but now it was back, telling me that whatever he said wasn’t really the answer.
“I dunno. He wanted to.”
“Jas…” I said. I wasn’t buying it.
He looked away, shaking his head. “How was I supposed to say no?”
Well, that was a valid point - it would be a really shitty thing to do to leave a teammate stranded like that. After all, Ty had to keep his grades up just like we did. It just wasn’t a problem for us.
With a quick glance to the door, which I’d luckily pushed mostly closed, I had an idea for how to make Jas feel a little bit better.
Raising his hand up nearly to eye level, I said, “How much more do you have to do tonight?” and then pressed the tips of his middle finger into my mouth, sucking it all the way down to the last knuckle.
It was a lot easier to do with his finger, of course, than other things, but it got his attention. His head snapped back toward me, eyes transfixed on my mouth. I slowly slid the finger out of my mouth, shamelessly suggesting things with my tongue on the way.
“Edward,” he whispered, only half admonishing me.
As I got to the tip, I swirled my tongue around it before letting it slip out with a little slurping noise. Jasper’s eyes flickered to the door, saying, “Edward, don’t,” but even as he did he raised his fourth finger up to my lips.
I laughed, pressing a kiss to the next finger tip, and debating just how much teasing I should make him endure. Right as I had let my tongue slide down against the first pad of the next finger, we were given the warning of only a brief knock before the door swung open.
I barely had time to pull Jas’s hand out of my mouth before the open door revealed Carlisle, already in the old shirt and shorts he wore to bed. He was staring at us holding hands in midair like he had just interrupted something. Which, of course, he had, but we were doing our damnedest to look exceptionally innocent. Slowly, I put Jas’s hand down on his desk and turned to Carlisle.
Jas found his voice first. “Hey Dad, what’s up?”
“Hey guys. Jasper, I was just wondering if you’d asked him about New York yet?”
“Oh,” he looked up at me, “no, I’ll ask him now.”
It was sort of weird, having them talk about me in third person to my face, so I asked, “What about New York?”
Carlisle came farther into the room, either ignoring or playing off whatever tension he’d felt initially, and sat on the edge of Jasper’s bed looking very comfortable.
“I’m about to book tickets for the Christmas trip.”
“Wasn’t Esme talking about getting those a while ago?”
Jasper curled his lips together and threw a sidelong glance to Carlisle, who was looking at me like I had just let a girl into the all-boys club house.
“That’s what Mom said. She was bitching him out this morning.”
“Jasper, language. And your mother was not chewing me out, she was just in a rush to get to her client.”
He said it in such a diplomatic fashion that I almost believed him - almost - but I could definitely see Esme rushing around downstairs, trying to get down a bagel in the middle of one of her ‘Didn’t I tell you’ rants. Most of them were personally tailored - Jasper’s focused on dirty dishes, and mine reminded me to pick up my dirty clothes.
“Anyway,” he said, “Edward, we’d like to know if you want to go with us.”
Woah. Christmas with the Cullens? Hell yeah. I hadn’t really thought about Christmas yet, especially since we’d just barely finished Thanksgiving, but between hanging out in the Cullen’s empty house or, worse, my Dad’s, versus vacationing with my boyfriend? The answer to that was a big fat Duh.
From the corner of my eye I saw Jasper’s hand. He had slid it along his desk so that he could tap the tip of his finger against mine. He made no other overt gesture, only touching me with the tiniest part of himself, but that was all I needed. His hopeful grin said the rest.
Looking back to Carlisle, I asked, “Can I let you know tomorrow? I just want to check in with Alice.”
“Sure, tomorrow then, but I do need to get these tickets ASAP.”
I nodded. “I’ll let you know.”
“Alright,” he said, clapping his hands against his knees and pushing himself up from the bed. “G’night, boys.”
We both said goodnight and watched him leave the door open especially wide. On purpose, no doubt.
Jas got up immediately, crossing to the door and closing it to a nice ‘practically closed but not technically touching’ distance. Then he came back, stepping right up between my knees.
He kissed me then, for the first time in hours, and said, “I really want you to come with us.”
“Jas, it’s really expensive.”
I knew what he would say, I knew what they would all say, but it was still true.
“Edward, don’t worry about it.”
I gave him a very pointed, close-proximity, look.
“Look, Mom said… well, she said a lot of stuff, but basically it doesn’t matter.” He moved his hands over mine, scooting even closer between my legs. “It’s not about the money.”
Yup, I knew he would say that. And I did really, really want to give him a resounding yes, but I couldn’t just yet.
“Just let me talk to Alice, okay?”
He pressed his lips together flat, disappointed, but I ran my hands up his bare arms and said, “Of course I’m coming, I just have to check in with her first. She’s my sister.”
I knew that mollified him when he kissed me again.
“Jas,” I said softly, “you have to remember I’m a Phoenix guy at heart.”
“Yeah?” he said, already starting to smirk.
I pulled him closer, leaching some of his body heat. “Yeah. When we go to New York, you’re gonna have to keep me warm.”
“God forbid,” he whispered with his silly, excited grin.
I loved that grin.
The next morning, I scanned the parking lot for Ali so I could give Carlisle his ASAP answer, but we’d barely gotten out of the car when we were intercepted by Jessica. Really, it was Jessica and Lauren, while a few of the other cheerleaders hung back and waited. A loud scoff caught my attention and I saw the swing of Rosalie’s blond ponytail as she turned away from us, talking to some of the other Junior cheerleaders, so I did my best to focus on Jessica.
She was all bundled up and struggling to keep a puffy pink scarf under her chin, but she was still as effervescent as ever. Lauren was avoiding looking at me, like she always did since our one awkward encounter, and I was perfectly fine with that.
Both of them had bright yellow ribbons tied into their ponytails. Actually, as I looked around, all the cheer girls did, so I wondered if there was gonna be a pep rally or something. Maybe Jas knew, he paid better attention to that stuff than I did.
“Hey guys,” Jessica said with way too much cheer for so early in the morning.
“Hey Jess,” Jasper answered. “How’s everything?”
“Swamped! I’m trying to get into college anywhere in New York City, so I’m spending all my time trying to fill out apps.”
Usually Jas did all the talking while I just did my best to look friendly, and I think sometimes I even failed at that. This time, though… man, did I know how she felt. Those stupid frickin’ apps were an awful time-suck, so I nodded along.
“How about you?” she asked, pushing a collection of curls out of her face. “Tired of writing your own name yet?”
“Actually, I applied early.”
“Ugh, you’re so lucky!”
No, I thought, as she totally missed the point, he’s smart. And strategic.
Jas was polite as ever, though, smiling down at her, and he motioned to me. “Edward’s got a bunch though.”
She glanced over to me, asking, “Oh, yeah?”
Her gaze wandered back to Jas quickly, and even though I didn’t really talk to Jessica much, or Lauren at all, I was ready to gripe about apps. Beyond ready. And Jessica actually understood what a burden it was to write so many damn essays.
I did my best to sympathize “Yeah, I’ve actually got a bunch. And I know what you mean - they’re a real pain in the ass. I mean, they all seem to hate the common app, which makes them seem so arrogant, and I wish they’d just… get over themselves.”
I trailed off as Jessica’s eyes widened, and stopped all together when even Lauren managed to actually look at me.
Jessica blinked away whatever she was thinking, though, and asked, “So how many essays do you have?”
“Well,” I said quietly, suddenly over the idea of ranting and trying to avoid the way they were staring, “four, now, ‘cause I’m doubling some up.”
She blinked some more, then squinted her eyes and said, “Wait, how?”
I looked to Jas, hoping that somewhere among his many talents he possessed the ability to rescue me from my own awkwardness, but he just looked back, waiting for my answer.
I shifted my weight around, tugging my backpack up on one shoulder, but that didn’t seem to take up nearly enough time and the bell wasn’t going to ring for another ten minutes. Eventually, I decided I had better pay it forward and gave them a brief explanation of what Esme had taught me. I could tell when it started to make sense, because Jessica and Lauren turned to each other for some high-pitch chatter with words like Parsons and Chelsea and a bunch of Academies I’d never heard of.
Behind them, I could see Rosalie rolling her eyes.
Soon enough, Jessica and Lauren talked themselves out and remembered we were standing there. Jessica looked up at me with wind-reddened cheeks and giggled, “That’s a really smart idea, Edward. I’ll have to try that.”
I cleared my throat, feeling myself flush at the social awkwardness of getting myself into a conversation I had no idea how to get out of, and then getting even more embarrassed that I was so lousy at it in the first place.
This was why I always let Jas do the talking.
“It was actually Mrs. Cullen’s idea,” I said, completely giving up on trying to make eye contact and mentally begging Jas to rejoin the conversation.
“Oh,” she said, her voice suddenly sounding a lot softer. “That was really nice of her.”
I was rescued from the conversation, then, by a most unlikely savior, when Rosalie yelled over to remind them they had squad stuff to go over before class.
The girls linked arms and gave us their best cheer smiles, before joining their friends.
I could definitely feel how red my cheeks were, so I busied my hands by pushing my hair back and turned to Jasper.
He raised one eyebrow, hiding it entirely behind the morning mess of his wavy hair, and said, “You know you just made their day?”
I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and waiting several seconds before opening them again.
“Come on,” I said, eager to forget it, “let’s get to class.”
Luckily, Alice found me at my locker at the beginning of lunch, envelope in hand. When she gave it to me, I couldn’t help but notice what she’d written on it. I knew that usually they just wrote the name of whoever reserved the tickets, but she’d written Edward + Jasper. For some reason, our names written together like that looked especially intimate. I eyed her carefully, glancing specifically down at the names and then back at her, but she shrugged it off.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she said.
Our names did look pretty damn good together.
I slipped it into my pocket so no one else could get a look, and Alice turned toward the cafeteria.
“Umm, before you go, I just want to… check in, I guess, about Christmas.”
“Christmas?” she said, turning back around and wrinkling up her nose like it was a dirty word. “We just finished Thanksgiving.”
I gave a little silent laugh. “That’s exactly what I thought, except the Cullens are going to New York again and they’ve invited me to go with.”
“Oooh,” she said, drawing out the sound like I’d told her something far more intriguing. “And you wanna?”
I nodded.
She leaned in, lowering her voice, and said, “To be with him.”
I looked away, tracking my eyes all over the emptying hallway, trying not to flush over such a simple comment. So far she’d managed to say very little about me and Jas, withholding any sort of opinion, and I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for it. Finally, though, I nodded again.
“You should go.”
“It doesn’t bother you?” I asked quietly, not entirely sure which it I was talking about anymore.
“Christmas?” she asked, in a classic stalling maneuver. “No, Billy Black already said I should come back with Bella for Christmas, and that way I can see Seth too.”
Sure, that was probably a given, but I felt a tiny flash of excitement of the thought of traveling with my boyfriend for the holidays.
The rest of me, though, the anxious part that still remembered how Alice called me an asshole after we’d been caught almost-kissing, demanded that I press on.
I was reluctant even as the words left my mouth, but I asked, “And the rest? You’re not freaked out, or anything, about… us?” I whispered the last word, scanning the hallway again for anyone lingering or turning an ear our way, but saw none.
Alice shifted her backpack, gripping the straps tightly in her hands, tapping distracting patterns against the fabric.
Watching her was making me agitated too, but I couldn’t bear to tell her to forget it.
“I-” she started, and then shook her head. One hand went up to pull on a spiky strand of black hair before she looked up at me again. “I was surprised, I guess. Or, you know, surprised over how I really shouldn’t have been surprised, if that makes sense.”
It sort of did, but I waited for her to continue anyway, trying not to give away how I was hanging on her every word.
“Look, Edward. That was a shitty thing to do, making out in Bella’s driveway-”
That time I did open my mouth to cut her off, but she didn’t stop.
“- or whatever, but it didn’t matter who it was with. Actually,” she mused, “I think that actually made it easier. But anyway.”
Her eyes flickered across my face, taking me in while I did the same to her. She didn’t really seem angry though, just thoughtful, and surprisingly comfortable with talking about it. Even with her weird contacts, the way she was looking up at me made her look so honest and accepting.
“So,” I said, hoping so fervently that I wouldn’t regret my next words, “you’re okay with it?”
“It’s like Mom said, all that really matters is that you’re happy. So… yeah.”
It was more of a relief than I’d even expected - there was tension that I hadn’t even known I’d been carrying through the conversation that suddenly dissipated. I felt light, almost like I wanted to hug her, but… no, it was Jasper I wanted to hug, to share my relief with.
“You know, I’m kinda surprised you’re not the one freaking out.”
I sighed a little ruefully at the thought. She did have a point, but even that couldn’t kill my buzz. She knew I was god-awful with change - had been since we moved to Forks - and there was no changing that. Except that the truth of the moment was, despite temporary spazzes, everything with me and Jas had come pretty easy.
Initially, I’d assumed that it had all felt so natural because it wasn’t that different than before but, especially with the evolution of this Crazy Feeling, it was obvious that we actually had come a long way.
The thought had occurred to me a few times before, too, that I never saw any of this coming. Like when Jas would rub little circles on the back of my hand when I drove, or when I’d catch myself reaching over to push a blond curl behind his ear, I would remember that it never used to be like this. Maybe, since we had just fit all these tiny affectionate gestures into a long-established routine, it just felt seamless. I didn’t know.
And there were other less-random moments, of course, like the first time Jas left his fingers drift a little deeper into my boxers than he had before, brushing against virgin skin. That had definitely come with an alarming realization that we still had a large section of ‘uncharted territory’ to explore.
I shook that thought from my head, not wanting to imagine those kinds of things at school.
“He…” I chose my words carefully. “He makes it really easy to feel like it’s all gonna be okay.”
She nodded, acknowledging what an important trait that was, but then flashed a tight, almost embarrassed smile.
“I always thought I’d hate whatever girlfriend you brought home. And now I don’t have to. I mean, he’s great.”
I nodded extra-enthusiastically. “He really is. He’s the best, Ali.”
Her smile spread into a wide, genuine grin then, and I couldn’t hold back my own stupidly giddy excitement. I coughed once and fussed with my hair, patting the longest strands down and trying to temper my smile as well, but for once my hair was the least unruly part of me.
“Oh my god, look at you.” She threw her head back to let out a light laugh and then went right back to staring at me. “You’re, like, glowing.”
“Am not.”
“Come on,” she said, grabbing my sleeve and dragging me toward the cafeteria. When we got to the door she paused, tilting her face up to mine and said, “Maybe, before you leave, we could do our own Christmas?”
“Yeah,” I said, “I’d like that.
Then she skipped off to find Bella, or Seth, or both, and I went and found the guys.
I’d barely gotten one leg under the table when Yorkie said, “Woah, Masen. You look like you found tomorrow’s lottery numbers.”
Of course, then everyone had to look up at me, and I couldn’t do anything but slip quietly into my chair. I had to get myself under control, and took a moment to calm myself. but I couldn’t really get away with that either.
Tyler cut in, asking, “No, really, what’s up Edward? This about Jessica?”
“What?” I asked, snapping my head up. “Who said that?”
“Some Cheer girls.”
Then he shrugged, which told me nothing, and I decided it was the most aggravating gesture ever invented.
“No,” I said, keeping my voice decidedly neutral but pressing my leg, ankle to knee, up against Jasper’s. “I’m going to New York for winter break.”
Jasper pressed back.
Yorkie scoffed. “That’s it? That’s kinda lame. I’ve been to New York plenty of times.”
I shrugged, because that seemed to be the ultimate tool of one-upping people. “I’ve never been before.”
“I think it’ll be fun,” Jas said, and his voice was so perfectly casual that no one bothered to argue.
They let the topic slide for the rest of lunch, but when everyone else had gotten up after the bell Jasper leaned over and said, in his lowest voice, “I’m gonna kiss you later.”
I stood up, waggling my eyebrows at him and said, “Damn straight.”
That night, Carlisle and Esme were excited to hear I’d be joining them, and Jas and I were in high spirits despite Rosalie’s funk at dinner. She was pissed that Jasper got to bring a friend, and muttered about how she’d be stuck with her parents for break until Carlisle reminded her that that was because her friends had their own parents to spend it with too.
It stung, and not just for Rosalie, but I was in too good of a mood to dwell on it.
The only downer of the night came when dinner was over, and Esme reminded me that she had yet to see any college essays.
Damnit.
So, I sentenced Jasper to exile in his own room while I camped out on my own little slice of hell, and the right words were just as elusive as ever.
I watched the blinking line at the top of a blank screen, wondering why it was called a cursor in the first place. Then again, its incessant winking and inability to motivate me to write anything certainly made me feel like cursing.
When I heard someone slip through the door behind me, I didn’t look up immediately so at least it would look like I was working.
I smelled his shampoo before he reached me, but I still let him think he was being stealthy. When he slipped his arms around my shoulders from behind, like I knew he would, I bit back a grin. And when he leaned down to press his lips to that one spot on my neck that made me weakest, I merely gripped his forearms tightly across my chest.
It wasn’t until he lifted his head to grab my earlobe between his lips that I let myself really grin at the attention. I could feel his breath skimming across my ear, and if he didn’t have his warm body draped above mine, I think I would have shivered.
“Can I help you?” I asked, making sure to sound as inconvenienced as possible.
Instead of answering he pressed his teeth gently into my earlobe, shaking it back and forth like a puppy in need of attention. By that point I was full-on smirking, and when I didn’t respond immediately he let out a little puppy-growl and did it again.
God, he was adorable when he was feeling playful, and doubly so when he was rescuing me from working. Playful Jas was one of my favorites.
Without warning him I swiveled my chair around until my legs swung into his, knocking him off balance and into my lap. He took in a surprised breath and landed hard, clutching onto my shoulders way tighter than he needed to. He laughed and dug his fingers into my shoulders even harder when his butt started to slip, but I chuckled at him because I already had my arms around his waist. Like I would ever let him fall.
It took a moment or two of sloppy readjusting, but by the time we got ourselves straightened out he had gotten over the shock and we were both laughing. The surprise for me came when I realized he had already stripped down to his undershirt and boxers, ready for bed. I raised one eyebrow at him, wondering what he had in mind, but he made several serene, innocent faces, like he hadn’t brought that on himself and had no idea why he ended up in my lap. It made me want to kiss him. Hard.
Our arms were already conveniently looped around each other, but our teeth clacked together from our grins and that made it even harder to stop laughing. I loved Jas like that, all happy and silly, so I did my best to sound at least halfway serious when I told him he was interrupting my creative essay mojo, just to make him laugh again.
His eyes flicked over my shoulder to the blank screen and he snorted. “You have no mojo.”
“Hey!” I said, all indignant. I pulled him down for another grinning kiss, distracting him from where my other hand was sliding up his thigh.
His chuckle caught on a breath when he felt my fingers tracing the line of his boxer briefs, but he made no move to stop me. No mojo, indeed. When he caught my eye he looked a little flushed, but still playful.
“No insulting my mojo,” I said sternly, and he nodded with the same mock severity before leaning in for another kiss.
That one was more successful, but he pulled away all too soon and said, “I’m really glad you’re coming with us.”
I stretched my neck up, catching one more kiss, before I said, “I am too. And, actually, there’s more.”
“Yeah?”
“I also talked to Ali, just a little, about us.”
“Oh,” he said, no longer feigning his seriousness. He turned himself on my lap so he could face me better. “And what did she say?”
“Not much, I guess. But I guess I, you know, have her blessing.”
I saw his jaw flex, and he waited several long seconds before asking, “Did we need her blessing?”
“What? No.” I wrapped my arms around his waist, suddenly feeling like he was too far away. “It’s just nice to have it, you know?”
He nodded then, still looking grave, but let me pull him closer.
“It was a good thing, Jas. I didn’t mean to bum you out.”
“No, I know. And it is good. Edward?”
Even though he was obviously trying, he sounded anything but casual. And since he was sitting on my lap, it was pretty obvious to tell he was avoiding eye contact, which was odd for him.
“Yeah?” I asked, watching him carefully and tucking my hands under the back of his shirt, just to press against his warm skin.
“I want to tell my sister, too.”
My entire body stilled, and I could feel a little ball of worry knot up in my stomach immediately.
Suddenly I was the one avoiding eye contact. “Jas, I don’t know.”
“Come on, Edward.” I could feel his fingers picking at the neck of my shirt.
“I just can’t see anything good coming of it.”
“We wouldn’t have to hide,” he said so emphatically that I had to look up. “We wouldn’t have to sneak around the house so much, or watch TV from separate sides of the couch. We could go to New York and hold hands. In public, even. And maybe she would… understand.”
He seemed so excited about all these possibilities, but I just couldn’t share his enthusiasm. The thought of Rosalie knowing, of having the power of that information, just churned the dread in my stomach even more. I could just see her, pitching a fit, lashing out…
I fidgeted with the hem of his boxers, watching my hand as I spoke. “Jas, she’ll freak out. She hates me.”
I shook my head, letting my floppy hair hide my face for a moment. It was no use, though, because he slid one hand up from my neck to push it back again.
“I’ll explain it to her,” he said simply, and all the wide-eyed hope on his face told me he thought that would really help. “I’ll just tell her how much I like you.”
That’s what he said. He didn’t stutter, or whisper, or do anything to indicate he meant anything other than what he said. So I had no explanation for why, when he said how much he liked me, my brain supplied the word love.
Love. He said like, but I thought love.
It came out of nowhere, but as soon as I thought it, it seemed to bloom and tangle itself with all my other thoughts. How gentle Jasper’s fingertips were as they brushed across my forehead, how everything seemed clearer and calmer when I was with him, and all those nights laying awake wondering if my Crazy Feeling had a real name.
Suddenly, it seemed, it did. And that name was huge.
Is this what love felt like? How would I know for sure? Could I tell him? Did he love me back? Could he? Would it change things? Would it convince Rosalie?
In the time it took me to blink, I felt like I was drowning in questions.
Jasper was still talking, explaining, but I missed it because the next thing I caught was him saying, “Okay?”
He was watching me really carefully, but I couldn’t talk about Rosalie. I didn’t want to talk about anything anymore; I needed to think.
Wrapping both my arms tightly around his back, I pulled him flush against my chest so he had no choice but to kiss me. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to feel every nuance of his lips against mine and his hands on my neck.
I wanted that kiss to have the answer, to trigger something in my brain so that any time I looked at Jasper there would be a huge arrow or glow or sign floating above his head that said L-O-V-E. But when I peeked I just saw Jasper, squeezing his eyes shut to concentrate on kissing me back.
When he curled his fingers into my hair, though, I felt my whole body respond. My skin felt warm and even when I took in a breath so that my chest was pressed even harder against his, I could still feel my heart thudding away, pumping toe-tingling adrenaline through my body.
Just like before, I could feel my chest getting tight, wanting something more, waiting for it. It didn’t matter how close I pulled him, I was still overwhelmed by feelings of excitement and longing and gratitude.
I decided that maybe I didn’t know what love felt like, but if this wasn’t it, I didn’t need it.
Again, Jasper pulled away too soon, but left his lips against mine to whisper, “Later. Tonight.”
I nodded and kissed him one last time before loosening my grip.
He straightened up, tucking his hair behind his ears and readjusting his shirt. “I have to go talk to Mom, but I’ll come back later?”
I glanced at the clock, seeing that it was already past eleven. Later wasn’t that far away, and I nodded.
Jasper slipped off my lap, and I took a deep breath to calm myself.
I was up late that night, long after Jasper slipped into his own bed, thinking about my new revelation. What bothered me was that Jas was so much better with this kind of stuff - knowing what he wanted, how he felt, and how to put it into words without getting all antsy over it - and he hadn’t said a word. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more it was obvious that he was sticking to the word ‘like’ as if it were the only word he knew.
I thought these overwhelming emotions were a mutual thing but, then again, I was sure that if he felt it too he would have said something. So… he must not. That thought panged uncomfortably, but it still didn’t answer the question of why.
Why didn’t he love me? How had I come this far with him, only to find myself suddenly alone?
Maybe, I thought, it’s just too soon. We’d only been together for two months, after all, and maybe he thought it was foolish to declare your love so quickly.
I knew we’d both seen Tyler announce his undying love for many a girl, just to be bitter and disappointed when she turned out to be merely human after all. It was hard to believe that was really the reason, though, because that didn’t apply to us.
Tyler didn’t really know those girls, not like I knew Jasper.
And I knew Jasper. I’d heard all his secrets, and told him mine. We’d fumbled in the darkness, learning each other’s bodies and rhythms as intimately as we knew our own.
I already knew all his flaws and bad habits, like his tendency to use all the hot water, or leave the cap off his toothpaste. The way he crunched his cereal too loudly, and seemed to space out during movies. I already knew the way he shrugged off questions, and how much he hated confrontation. I even knew, now, how badly he folded when there was yelling involved.
And I didn’t care. Even while cataloguing all his flaws, I still wanted to be near him, to hold and kiss and immerse myself in him.
To love him.
Chapter 18
Chapter: 17/?
Fandom: Twilight
By: bythedamned
Rating: NC-17 overall
Chapter Wordcount: 7,537
Genre: AU, Slash
Pairing: Edward/Jasper
Summary: Throughout high school, the shy and over-burdened Edward Masen threw himself into work and raising his baby sister. He's always felt lucky just to be friends with track star Jasper Cullen. Now, he doesn't know if just friends is enough. AH AU Slash.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns, I just play
A/N: Thanks to my awesome beta, elveys_stuff
While I was texting with Alice on Thanksgiving Day, Jasper was perfecting the art of being studiously aloof. He pulled it off pretty well, since casual was his default mode anyway, but I still noticed. It was ridiculous that when I would just slip my phone out of my pocket to type a quick reply he would look away, pretending to be mildly interested in the TV or something out the window. When he started picking at his own shirt, I stretched my leg all the way over to where he was standing and gave him an exaggerated toe-nudge.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and met my eyes. Then, with that same dryly polite tone I heard him use so much at school, he asked, “How’s Alice?”
I let out a silent sigh. He was still mad at her. But I couldn’t not try to mend bridges, so I had attempted a generic Thanksgiving text to test the waters.
The text I’d gotten back had been lighthearted enough.
we’re already on the res, no turkey at all!
So I’d replied in turn: What about Bella’s? Her turkey rocks
A little while later, my phone had buzzed with: she skipped it cuz jake invited us over early, and she wanted to come. plus there’s a game on
I’d known we were just playing at being fine, at being a brother and sister simply chatting on a holiday. Jas didn’t approve, but at least it was a better band-aid than silence. I’d raised an eyebrow at my phone, rereading the latest text, before I answered.
That’s when Jasper’s faked disinterest became nudge-worthy.
“Alice says there’s no turkey,” I answered, “and that the res kids are using their ancient charms on her and Bella. I’m thinking we should kick their ass extra hard next semester just to keep them in line.”
Even though he rolled his eyes, the set of his shoulders dropped and I even got a little half-smile out of him.
“Like the Wolves stand a chance. Why no turkey?”
Reaching out an arm for him, I looped it around his waist to pull him close.
“Probably something about stealing their land, corn, and sixteen hundred meter record,” I said with a smugly conspiratorial grin. Jas held that record for all of Washington State.
He gave me a real smile that time, one that showed in his eyes and the tiny hints of his dimples, and I considered it a mission accomplished.
The rest of our Thanksgiving break went smoothly, despite a few huffy insults from Rosalie until Emmett showed up and they camped out in her room, and I didn’t have to worry about making Jas smile.
Because that had definitely become one of my new pastimes. There were pros and cons to it - the downside being that when he was uneasy I could feel it too, but the up was that as soon as he was happy, everything felt right and peaceful again. It was a powerful urge, to poke and pester him with silly comments until he was smiling again, and I blamed it entirely on that crazy feeling I had.
… that crazy feeling that had been growing and morphing in ways I’d never expected. It was no longer just the way I felt calmer and brighter when Jas was touching me, or near me, but something that affected me all day long. With the sheer amount of time we spent together I hadn’t thought we could get any closer but, for some reason, when I woke up in the morning I was still anxious to see him. The edgy longing had somehow evolved into something even more potent, something practically tangible that was more an experience than an emotion - something with capital letters and its own fanfare that made it impossible to ignore. It was a Crazy Feeling.
That morning I’d woken up groggy long before I should have, but the possibility of creeping down the hall to see Jasper made it impossible to fall back asleep, keeping my mind whirring with plans and possibilities. Even after a night of heartfelt spooning, I’d still wanted more. Not just physically - I wanted to think that Jas and I had been keeping each other happily satisfied with our nightly trysts - but emotionally. Even when he whispered how happy he was into my ear I still ached for something more, to be more, but I didn’t know what more there was. And not being able to pin that feeling down was really starting to unnerve me.
At first, I thought maybe it was just because Jas had been busy over the break. He’d had the first of many deadlines for his bio project with Tyler coming up, and they’d had a lot of last minute brainstorming to do. Knowing Tyler, I was pretty sure any scrambling they did wasn’t Jasper’s fault.
So I chalked my anxiety up to the gap of alone time that interrupted our otherwise intertwined schedules. Or at least I wanted to, but that excuse fell flat the moment I even thought it. The truth was, we had found plenty of time for ourselves.
We’d stayed in bed til late, making our lazy way into the kitchen for brunch and letting Carlisle think we’d just woken up when he compared our sleeping habits to the living dead. We’d gone for a few runs together, and even gone out for pizza with the guys on Sunday, once everyone’s turkey stores had run low.
And that was only the days.
At night, well… I knew it was sort of a given, but I still felt like Jas and I had only just figured out how awesome blowjobs were. Actually, awesome didn’t even begin to cover it - they were, hands down, the best thing I’d ever felt. It’s not like Jas or I were pros at it - I was still working on my gag reflex, and the swallowing dilemma had come up more than once - but we’d certainly put in a lot of practice over the past few weeks. And Jas and I had whole heartily agreed that those happy ends were well worth any sliminess we had to deal with.
Now I understood why Tyler and Yorkie wouldn’t shut up about girls. I mean, if that was how they were getting their BJs, no wonder they thought women were the key to heaven on earth. Anyone who put up with that aftertaste was a saint.
With Carlisle working and Esme making the best of Black Friday, the morning after Thanksgiving was the perfect time for a slow and, for once, well-lit bout of nakedness. And with the door locked, no less. It was really nice to be able to wake up and work off our tension together, especially since my constant morning wood was the over eager kind of soldier, rising sharply before the sun was up and saluting Jasper rigidly every morning without fail.
Private Masen reporting for duty, sir!
Now, several days later as I was trying and failing to get some work done, I knew that as enjoyable as those memories were, they were also proof that this Crazy Feeling wasn’t just from missing him. And, in reality, the time apart was probably good for us, if only because Esme had pointed out that the break “would be a good time to make a dent in those applications.” And she’d meant it.
Damn.
College apps were a bitch. I mean, who cares what ‘seemingly-simple skill has contributed to my sense of self’ or ‘what fictional or historical figure I’d most like to meet, and why?’ Why did all these preppy colleges want obnoxious supplemental essays?
I’d thrown out a few of the less important colleges I’d originally listed for Mrs. Cope right off the bat, just because they thought they were too good for the common app, and I wasn’t motivated enough to write them four separate essays. Plus, who wants to live in Missouri anyway?
I’d also nixed all the local colleges. Now that I wasn’t trying to keep up appearances, I could admit that if I ever ended up back in Washington to look after Ali - unlikely as that obviously was - I would need a paying job, not twenty thousand dollars in student loans.
Even after whittling the pile down as far as I could, I was still overwhelmed by the sheer number of essays I had to write, not to mention the grueling editing and re-editing process that Esme had already alluded to. I think the numbed panic must have shown on my face when I sat down for lunch on Saturday, because that’s when Esme’d put her attentive-mothering skills to use.
After eating, she’d insisted we print out all the essay prompts and take a look at them together. Then, twisting an archaic number two pencil from the kitchen drawer, she’d explained what months of over-preparing on Jasper’s behalf had taught her.
“Not that he needed it,” she’d said, smiling like that was some kind of inside joke. “Sometimes I think he did Early Decision just to avoid this kind of hassle.” Then she’d pulled all the applications strewn across the table toward us, lining them up neatly. “At least I can put all this knowledge to good use.”
We’d talked a little about what I wanted the application committees to know about me and what I was comfortable putting on paper. Then, after a few moments where she bounced her pencil against the table by its eraser, she’d put several faint, easy-to-erase stars next to a few essay topics.
“Okay, so if you start with how much your mom meant to you when you were younger,” she’d started slowly, tapping the Princeton app, “and then segue into how her metastasis triggered your curiosity in research,” the pencil had drifted over to Cornell’s page, “you can knock off the influential person and academic interests essays in one.”
And that, actually, had made a lot of sense. It seemed like Esme always knew little tricks like those. So we’d worked out how to double up a few of the others, and I’d made sure she knew she had my undying gratitude. Because, seriously, the less time I had to spend in essay hell, the better.
Still, though, any time spent there was too long. By Monday I already felt like I should get a time share, or something, because a good portion of my homework time was spent writing jumbled paragraphs at my computer and then pounding the backspace key until the page was miserably blank again. Jas had offered to read my first draft, which was probably a good idea considering how much better he was with words and topic sentences, but that required me to actually finish a draft first.
Around ten, I gave up for the night, tucking my real homework into my backpack and checking my wallet for ticket money before traipsing down the hall to find Jas. I was supposed to find Ali in the morning to buy our Midsummer tickets for closing night, because she was sure they were going to sell out.
I highly doubted it.
When I slipped into Jas’s room, he seemed just as aggravated with his computer as I was, judging by the loud clacks of his typing.
I settled myself leaning against his desk, raising one questioning eyebrow.
He hit the return key with a final exaggerated jab, and then looked up at me. “I hate your subject.”
I had to grin when he whined like that, like Biology ever did anything to him. Besides, he was still good at it, even if he hated all the memorization.
“My subject is awesome, it’s just Mr. Banner that sucks.”
“No,” he said, still petulant, “it’s Tyler that sucks.”
Ahh. I knew I should’ve seen that coming. I reached for his closest hand, pulling it up against my chest and slowly running both my thumbs across his palm in a gesture my mom used to do. “What’d he do?”
He let out a big huff of a sigh, then settled back into his chair to enjoy the massage.
He started to tell me, while I massaged first his right hand, then his left. Tyler sounded like an awful and incompetent partner, leaving Jas to do the same work over and over.
“Jas, I don’t get it. Why’d you even decide to partner up with him in the first place?”
He shrugged, that telltale shrug that used to drive me nuts. Jas had sort of dropped it from his verbal vocabulary lately, but now it was back, telling me that whatever he said wasn’t really the answer.
“I dunno. He wanted to.”
“Jas…” I said. I wasn’t buying it.
He looked away, shaking his head. “How was I supposed to say no?”
Well, that was a valid point - it would be a really shitty thing to do to leave a teammate stranded like that. After all, Ty had to keep his grades up just like we did. It just wasn’t a problem for us.
With a quick glance to the door, which I’d luckily pushed mostly closed, I had an idea for how to make Jas feel a little bit better.
Raising his hand up nearly to eye level, I said, “How much more do you have to do tonight?” and then pressed the tips of his middle finger into my mouth, sucking it all the way down to the last knuckle.
It was a lot easier to do with his finger, of course, than other things, but it got his attention. His head snapped back toward me, eyes transfixed on my mouth. I slowly slid the finger out of my mouth, shamelessly suggesting things with my tongue on the way.
“Edward,” he whispered, only half admonishing me.
As I got to the tip, I swirled my tongue around it before letting it slip out with a little slurping noise. Jasper’s eyes flickered to the door, saying, “Edward, don’t,” but even as he did he raised his fourth finger up to my lips.
I laughed, pressing a kiss to the next finger tip, and debating just how much teasing I should make him endure. Right as I had let my tongue slide down against the first pad of the next finger, we were given the warning of only a brief knock before the door swung open.
I barely had time to pull Jas’s hand out of my mouth before the open door revealed Carlisle, already in the old shirt and shorts he wore to bed. He was staring at us holding hands in midair like he had just interrupted something. Which, of course, he had, but we were doing our damnedest to look exceptionally innocent. Slowly, I put Jas’s hand down on his desk and turned to Carlisle.
Jas found his voice first. “Hey Dad, what’s up?”
“Hey guys. Jasper, I was just wondering if you’d asked him about New York yet?”
“Oh,” he looked up at me, “no, I’ll ask him now.”
It was sort of weird, having them talk about me in third person to my face, so I asked, “What about New York?”
Carlisle came farther into the room, either ignoring or playing off whatever tension he’d felt initially, and sat on the edge of Jasper’s bed looking very comfortable.
“I’m about to book tickets for the Christmas trip.”
“Wasn’t Esme talking about getting those a while ago?”
Jasper curled his lips together and threw a sidelong glance to Carlisle, who was looking at me like I had just let a girl into the all-boys club house.
“That’s what Mom said. She was bitching him out this morning.”
“Jasper, language. And your mother was not chewing me out, she was just in a rush to get to her client.”
He said it in such a diplomatic fashion that I almost believed him - almost - but I could definitely see Esme rushing around downstairs, trying to get down a bagel in the middle of one of her ‘Didn’t I tell you’ rants. Most of them were personally tailored - Jasper’s focused on dirty dishes, and mine reminded me to pick up my dirty clothes.
“Anyway,” he said, “Edward, we’d like to know if you want to go with us.”
Woah. Christmas with the Cullens? Hell yeah. I hadn’t really thought about Christmas yet, especially since we’d just barely finished Thanksgiving, but between hanging out in the Cullen’s empty house or, worse, my Dad’s, versus vacationing with my boyfriend? The answer to that was a big fat Duh.
From the corner of my eye I saw Jasper’s hand. He had slid it along his desk so that he could tap the tip of his finger against mine. He made no other overt gesture, only touching me with the tiniest part of himself, but that was all I needed. His hopeful grin said the rest.
Looking back to Carlisle, I asked, “Can I let you know tomorrow? I just want to check in with Alice.”
“Sure, tomorrow then, but I do need to get these tickets ASAP.”
I nodded. “I’ll let you know.”
“Alright,” he said, clapping his hands against his knees and pushing himself up from the bed. “G’night, boys.”
We both said goodnight and watched him leave the door open especially wide. On purpose, no doubt.
Jas got up immediately, crossing to the door and closing it to a nice ‘practically closed but not technically touching’ distance. Then he came back, stepping right up between my knees.
He kissed me then, for the first time in hours, and said, “I really want you to come with us.”
“Jas, it’s really expensive.”
I knew what he would say, I knew what they would all say, but it was still true.
“Edward, don’t worry about it.”
I gave him a very pointed, close-proximity, look.
“Look, Mom said… well, she said a lot of stuff, but basically it doesn’t matter.” He moved his hands over mine, scooting even closer between my legs. “It’s not about the money.”
Yup, I knew he would say that. And I did really, really want to give him a resounding yes, but I couldn’t just yet.
“Just let me talk to Alice, okay?”
He pressed his lips together flat, disappointed, but I ran my hands up his bare arms and said, “Of course I’m coming, I just have to check in with her first. She’s my sister.”
I knew that mollified him when he kissed me again.
“Jas,” I said softly, “you have to remember I’m a Phoenix guy at heart.”
“Yeah?” he said, already starting to smirk.
I pulled him closer, leaching some of his body heat. “Yeah. When we go to New York, you’re gonna have to keep me warm.”
“God forbid,” he whispered with his silly, excited grin.
I loved that grin.
The next morning, I scanned the parking lot for Ali so I could give Carlisle his ASAP answer, but we’d barely gotten out of the car when we were intercepted by Jessica. Really, it was Jessica and Lauren, while a few of the other cheerleaders hung back and waited. A loud scoff caught my attention and I saw the swing of Rosalie’s blond ponytail as she turned away from us, talking to some of the other Junior cheerleaders, so I did my best to focus on Jessica.
She was all bundled up and struggling to keep a puffy pink scarf under her chin, but she was still as effervescent as ever. Lauren was avoiding looking at me, like she always did since our one awkward encounter, and I was perfectly fine with that.
Both of them had bright yellow ribbons tied into their ponytails. Actually, as I looked around, all the cheer girls did, so I wondered if there was gonna be a pep rally or something. Maybe Jas knew, he paid better attention to that stuff than I did.
“Hey guys,” Jessica said with way too much cheer for so early in the morning.
“Hey Jess,” Jasper answered. “How’s everything?”
“Swamped! I’m trying to get into college anywhere in New York City, so I’m spending all my time trying to fill out apps.”
Usually Jas did all the talking while I just did my best to look friendly, and I think sometimes I even failed at that. This time, though… man, did I know how she felt. Those stupid frickin’ apps were an awful time-suck, so I nodded along.
“How about you?” she asked, pushing a collection of curls out of her face. “Tired of writing your own name yet?”
“Actually, I applied early.”
“Ugh, you’re so lucky!”
No, I thought, as she totally missed the point, he’s smart. And strategic.
Jas was polite as ever, though, smiling down at her, and he motioned to me. “Edward’s got a bunch though.”
She glanced over to me, asking, “Oh, yeah?”
Her gaze wandered back to Jas quickly, and even though I didn’t really talk to Jessica much, or Lauren at all, I was ready to gripe about apps. Beyond ready. And Jessica actually understood what a burden it was to write so many damn essays.
I did my best to sympathize “Yeah, I’ve actually got a bunch. And I know what you mean - they’re a real pain in the ass. I mean, they all seem to hate the common app, which makes them seem so arrogant, and I wish they’d just… get over themselves.”
I trailed off as Jessica’s eyes widened, and stopped all together when even Lauren managed to actually look at me.
Jessica blinked away whatever she was thinking, though, and asked, “So how many essays do you have?”
“Well,” I said quietly, suddenly over the idea of ranting and trying to avoid the way they were staring, “four, now, ‘cause I’m doubling some up.”
She blinked some more, then squinted her eyes and said, “Wait, how?”
I looked to Jas, hoping that somewhere among his many talents he possessed the ability to rescue me from my own awkwardness, but he just looked back, waiting for my answer.
I shifted my weight around, tugging my backpack up on one shoulder, but that didn’t seem to take up nearly enough time and the bell wasn’t going to ring for another ten minutes. Eventually, I decided I had better pay it forward and gave them a brief explanation of what Esme had taught me. I could tell when it started to make sense, because Jessica and Lauren turned to each other for some high-pitch chatter with words like Parsons and Chelsea and a bunch of Academies I’d never heard of.
Behind them, I could see Rosalie rolling her eyes.
Soon enough, Jessica and Lauren talked themselves out and remembered we were standing there. Jessica looked up at me with wind-reddened cheeks and giggled, “That’s a really smart idea, Edward. I’ll have to try that.”
I cleared my throat, feeling myself flush at the social awkwardness of getting myself into a conversation I had no idea how to get out of, and then getting even more embarrassed that I was so lousy at it in the first place.
This was why I always let Jas do the talking.
“It was actually Mrs. Cullen’s idea,” I said, completely giving up on trying to make eye contact and mentally begging Jas to rejoin the conversation.
“Oh,” she said, her voice suddenly sounding a lot softer. “That was really nice of her.”
I was rescued from the conversation, then, by a most unlikely savior, when Rosalie yelled over to remind them they had squad stuff to go over before class.
The girls linked arms and gave us their best cheer smiles, before joining their friends.
I could definitely feel how red my cheeks were, so I busied my hands by pushing my hair back and turned to Jasper.
He raised one eyebrow, hiding it entirely behind the morning mess of his wavy hair, and said, “You know you just made their day?”
I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and waiting several seconds before opening them again.
“Come on,” I said, eager to forget it, “let’s get to class.”
Luckily, Alice found me at my locker at the beginning of lunch, envelope in hand. When she gave it to me, I couldn’t help but notice what she’d written on it. I knew that usually they just wrote the name of whoever reserved the tickets, but she’d written Edward + Jasper. For some reason, our names written together like that looked especially intimate. I eyed her carefully, glancing specifically down at the names and then back at her, but she shrugged it off.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she said.
Our names did look pretty damn good together.
I slipped it into my pocket so no one else could get a look, and Alice turned toward the cafeteria.
“Umm, before you go, I just want to… check in, I guess, about Christmas.”
“Christmas?” she said, turning back around and wrinkling up her nose like it was a dirty word. “We just finished Thanksgiving.”
I gave a little silent laugh. “That’s exactly what I thought, except the Cullens are going to New York again and they’ve invited me to go with.”
“Oooh,” she said, drawing out the sound like I’d told her something far more intriguing. “And you wanna?”
I nodded.
She leaned in, lowering her voice, and said, “To be with him.”
I looked away, tracking my eyes all over the emptying hallway, trying not to flush over such a simple comment. So far she’d managed to say very little about me and Jas, withholding any sort of opinion, and I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for it. Finally, though, I nodded again.
“You should go.”
“It doesn’t bother you?” I asked quietly, not entirely sure which it I was talking about anymore.
“Christmas?” she asked, in a classic stalling maneuver. “No, Billy Black already said I should come back with Bella for Christmas, and that way I can see Seth too.”
Sure, that was probably a given, but I felt a tiny flash of excitement of the thought of traveling with my boyfriend for the holidays.
The rest of me, though, the anxious part that still remembered how Alice called me an asshole after we’d been caught almost-kissing, demanded that I press on.
I was reluctant even as the words left my mouth, but I asked, “And the rest? You’re not freaked out, or anything, about… us?” I whispered the last word, scanning the hallway again for anyone lingering or turning an ear our way, but saw none.
Alice shifted her backpack, gripping the straps tightly in her hands, tapping distracting patterns against the fabric.
Watching her was making me agitated too, but I couldn’t bear to tell her to forget it.
“I-” she started, and then shook her head. One hand went up to pull on a spiky strand of black hair before she looked up at me again. “I was surprised, I guess. Or, you know, surprised over how I really shouldn’t have been surprised, if that makes sense.”
It sort of did, but I waited for her to continue anyway, trying not to give away how I was hanging on her every word.
“Look, Edward. That was a shitty thing to do, making out in Bella’s driveway-”
That time I did open my mouth to cut her off, but she didn’t stop.
“- or whatever, but it didn’t matter who it was with. Actually,” she mused, “I think that actually made it easier. But anyway.”
Her eyes flickered across my face, taking me in while I did the same to her. She didn’t really seem angry though, just thoughtful, and surprisingly comfortable with talking about it. Even with her weird contacts, the way she was looking up at me made her look so honest and accepting.
“So,” I said, hoping so fervently that I wouldn’t regret my next words, “you’re okay with it?”
“It’s like Mom said, all that really matters is that you’re happy. So… yeah.”
It was more of a relief than I’d even expected - there was tension that I hadn’t even known I’d been carrying through the conversation that suddenly dissipated. I felt light, almost like I wanted to hug her, but… no, it was Jasper I wanted to hug, to share my relief with.
“You know, I’m kinda surprised you’re not the one freaking out.”
I sighed a little ruefully at the thought. She did have a point, but even that couldn’t kill my buzz. She knew I was god-awful with change - had been since we moved to Forks - and there was no changing that. Except that the truth of the moment was, despite temporary spazzes, everything with me and Jas had come pretty easy.
Initially, I’d assumed that it had all felt so natural because it wasn’t that different than before but, especially with the evolution of this Crazy Feeling, it was obvious that we actually had come a long way.
The thought had occurred to me a few times before, too, that I never saw any of this coming. Like when Jas would rub little circles on the back of my hand when I drove, or when I’d catch myself reaching over to push a blond curl behind his ear, I would remember that it never used to be like this. Maybe, since we had just fit all these tiny affectionate gestures into a long-established routine, it just felt seamless. I didn’t know.
And there were other less-random moments, of course, like the first time Jas left his fingers drift a little deeper into my boxers than he had before, brushing against virgin skin. That had definitely come with an alarming realization that we still had a large section of ‘uncharted territory’ to explore.
I shook that thought from my head, not wanting to imagine those kinds of things at school.
“He…” I chose my words carefully. “He makes it really easy to feel like it’s all gonna be okay.”
She nodded, acknowledging what an important trait that was, but then flashed a tight, almost embarrassed smile.
“I always thought I’d hate whatever girlfriend you brought home. And now I don’t have to. I mean, he’s great.”
I nodded extra-enthusiastically. “He really is. He’s the best, Ali.”
Her smile spread into a wide, genuine grin then, and I couldn’t hold back my own stupidly giddy excitement. I coughed once and fussed with my hair, patting the longest strands down and trying to temper my smile as well, but for once my hair was the least unruly part of me.
“Oh my god, look at you.” She threw her head back to let out a light laugh and then went right back to staring at me. “You’re, like, glowing.”
“Am not.”
“Come on,” she said, grabbing my sleeve and dragging me toward the cafeteria. When we got to the door she paused, tilting her face up to mine and said, “Maybe, before you leave, we could do our own Christmas?”
“Yeah,” I said, “I’d like that.
Then she skipped off to find Bella, or Seth, or both, and I went and found the guys.
I’d barely gotten one leg under the table when Yorkie said, “Woah, Masen. You look like you found tomorrow’s lottery numbers.”
Of course, then everyone had to look up at me, and I couldn’t do anything but slip quietly into my chair. I had to get myself under control, and took a moment to calm myself. but I couldn’t really get away with that either.
Tyler cut in, asking, “No, really, what’s up Edward? This about Jessica?”
“What?” I asked, snapping my head up. “Who said that?”
“Some Cheer girls.”
Then he shrugged, which told me nothing, and I decided it was the most aggravating gesture ever invented.
“No,” I said, keeping my voice decidedly neutral but pressing my leg, ankle to knee, up against Jasper’s. “I’m going to New York for winter break.”
Jasper pressed back.
Yorkie scoffed. “That’s it? That’s kinda lame. I’ve been to New York plenty of times.”
I shrugged, because that seemed to be the ultimate tool of one-upping people. “I’ve never been before.”
“I think it’ll be fun,” Jas said, and his voice was so perfectly casual that no one bothered to argue.
They let the topic slide for the rest of lunch, but when everyone else had gotten up after the bell Jasper leaned over and said, in his lowest voice, “I’m gonna kiss you later.”
I stood up, waggling my eyebrows at him and said, “Damn straight.”
That night, Carlisle and Esme were excited to hear I’d be joining them, and Jas and I were in high spirits despite Rosalie’s funk at dinner. She was pissed that Jasper got to bring a friend, and muttered about how she’d be stuck with her parents for break until Carlisle reminded her that that was because her friends had their own parents to spend it with too.
It stung, and not just for Rosalie, but I was in too good of a mood to dwell on it.
The only downer of the night came when dinner was over, and Esme reminded me that she had yet to see any college essays.
Damnit.
So, I sentenced Jasper to exile in his own room while I camped out on my own little slice of hell, and the right words were just as elusive as ever.
I watched the blinking line at the top of a blank screen, wondering why it was called a cursor in the first place. Then again, its incessant winking and inability to motivate me to write anything certainly made me feel like cursing.
When I heard someone slip through the door behind me, I didn’t look up immediately so at least it would look like I was working.
I smelled his shampoo before he reached me, but I still let him think he was being stealthy. When he slipped his arms around my shoulders from behind, like I knew he would, I bit back a grin. And when he leaned down to press his lips to that one spot on my neck that made me weakest, I merely gripped his forearms tightly across my chest.
It wasn’t until he lifted his head to grab my earlobe between his lips that I let myself really grin at the attention. I could feel his breath skimming across my ear, and if he didn’t have his warm body draped above mine, I think I would have shivered.
“Can I help you?” I asked, making sure to sound as inconvenienced as possible.
Instead of answering he pressed his teeth gently into my earlobe, shaking it back and forth like a puppy in need of attention. By that point I was full-on smirking, and when I didn’t respond immediately he let out a little puppy-growl and did it again.
God, he was adorable when he was feeling playful, and doubly so when he was rescuing me from working. Playful Jas was one of my favorites.
Without warning him I swiveled my chair around until my legs swung into his, knocking him off balance and into my lap. He took in a surprised breath and landed hard, clutching onto my shoulders way tighter than he needed to. He laughed and dug his fingers into my shoulders even harder when his butt started to slip, but I chuckled at him because I already had my arms around his waist. Like I would ever let him fall.
It took a moment or two of sloppy readjusting, but by the time we got ourselves straightened out he had gotten over the shock and we were both laughing. The surprise for me came when I realized he had already stripped down to his undershirt and boxers, ready for bed. I raised one eyebrow at him, wondering what he had in mind, but he made several serene, innocent faces, like he hadn’t brought that on himself and had no idea why he ended up in my lap. It made me want to kiss him. Hard.
Our arms were already conveniently looped around each other, but our teeth clacked together from our grins and that made it even harder to stop laughing. I loved Jas like that, all happy and silly, so I did my best to sound at least halfway serious when I told him he was interrupting my creative essay mojo, just to make him laugh again.
His eyes flicked over my shoulder to the blank screen and he snorted. “You have no mojo.”
“Hey!” I said, all indignant. I pulled him down for another grinning kiss, distracting him from where my other hand was sliding up his thigh.
His chuckle caught on a breath when he felt my fingers tracing the line of his boxer briefs, but he made no move to stop me. No mojo, indeed. When he caught my eye he looked a little flushed, but still playful.
“No insulting my mojo,” I said sternly, and he nodded with the same mock severity before leaning in for another kiss.
That one was more successful, but he pulled away all too soon and said, “I’m really glad you’re coming with us.”
I stretched my neck up, catching one more kiss, before I said, “I am too. And, actually, there’s more.”
“Yeah?”
“I also talked to Ali, just a little, about us.”
“Oh,” he said, no longer feigning his seriousness. He turned himself on my lap so he could face me better. “And what did she say?”
“Not much, I guess. But I guess I, you know, have her blessing.”
I saw his jaw flex, and he waited several long seconds before asking, “Did we need her blessing?”
“What? No.” I wrapped my arms around his waist, suddenly feeling like he was too far away. “It’s just nice to have it, you know?”
He nodded then, still looking grave, but let me pull him closer.
“It was a good thing, Jas. I didn’t mean to bum you out.”
“No, I know. And it is good. Edward?”
Even though he was obviously trying, he sounded anything but casual. And since he was sitting on my lap, it was pretty obvious to tell he was avoiding eye contact, which was odd for him.
“Yeah?” I asked, watching him carefully and tucking my hands under the back of his shirt, just to press against his warm skin.
“I want to tell my sister, too.”
My entire body stilled, and I could feel a little ball of worry knot up in my stomach immediately.
Suddenly I was the one avoiding eye contact. “Jas, I don’t know.”
“Come on, Edward.” I could feel his fingers picking at the neck of my shirt.
“I just can’t see anything good coming of it.”
“We wouldn’t have to hide,” he said so emphatically that I had to look up. “We wouldn’t have to sneak around the house so much, or watch TV from separate sides of the couch. We could go to New York and hold hands. In public, even. And maybe she would… understand.”
He seemed so excited about all these possibilities, but I just couldn’t share his enthusiasm. The thought of Rosalie knowing, of having the power of that information, just churned the dread in my stomach even more. I could just see her, pitching a fit, lashing out…
I fidgeted with the hem of his boxers, watching my hand as I spoke. “Jas, she’ll freak out. She hates me.”
I shook my head, letting my floppy hair hide my face for a moment. It was no use, though, because he slid one hand up from my neck to push it back again.
“I’ll explain it to her,” he said simply, and all the wide-eyed hope on his face told me he thought that would really help. “I’ll just tell her how much I like you.”
That’s what he said. He didn’t stutter, or whisper, or do anything to indicate he meant anything other than what he said. So I had no explanation for why, when he said how much he liked me, my brain supplied the word love.
Love. He said like, but I thought love.
It came out of nowhere, but as soon as I thought it, it seemed to bloom and tangle itself with all my other thoughts. How gentle Jasper’s fingertips were as they brushed across my forehead, how everything seemed clearer and calmer when I was with him, and all those nights laying awake wondering if my Crazy Feeling had a real name.
Suddenly, it seemed, it did. And that name was huge.
Is this what love felt like? How would I know for sure? Could I tell him? Did he love me back? Could he? Would it change things? Would it convince Rosalie?
In the time it took me to blink, I felt like I was drowning in questions.
Jasper was still talking, explaining, but I missed it because the next thing I caught was him saying, “Okay?”
He was watching me really carefully, but I couldn’t talk about Rosalie. I didn’t want to talk about anything anymore; I needed to think.
Wrapping both my arms tightly around his back, I pulled him flush against my chest so he had no choice but to kiss me. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to feel every nuance of his lips against mine and his hands on my neck.
I wanted that kiss to have the answer, to trigger something in my brain so that any time I looked at Jasper there would be a huge arrow or glow or sign floating above his head that said L-O-V-E. But when I peeked I just saw Jasper, squeezing his eyes shut to concentrate on kissing me back.
When he curled his fingers into my hair, though, I felt my whole body respond. My skin felt warm and even when I took in a breath so that my chest was pressed even harder against his, I could still feel my heart thudding away, pumping toe-tingling adrenaline through my body.
Just like before, I could feel my chest getting tight, wanting something more, waiting for it. It didn’t matter how close I pulled him, I was still overwhelmed by feelings of excitement and longing and gratitude.
I decided that maybe I didn’t know what love felt like, but if this wasn’t it, I didn’t need it.
Again, Jasper pulled away too soon, but left his lips against mine to whisper, “Later. Tonight.”
I nodded and kissed him one last time before loosening my grip.
He straightened up, tucking his hair behind his ears and readjusting his shirt. “I have to go talk to Mom, but I’ll come back later?”
I glanced at the clock, seeing that it was already past eleven. Later wasn’t that far away, and I nodded.
Jasper slipped off my lap, and I took a deep breath to calm myself.
I was up late that night, long after Jasper slipped into his own bed, thinking about my new revelation. What bothered me was that Jas was so much better with this kind of stuff - knowing what he wanted, how he felt, and how to put it into words without getting all antsy over it - and he hadn’t said a word. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more it was obvious that he was sticking to the word ‘like’ as if it were the only word he knew.
I thought these overwhelming emotions were a mutual thing but, then again, I was sure that if he felt it too he would have said something. So… he must not. That thought panged uncomfortably, but it still didn’t answer the question of why.
Why didn’t he love me? How had I come this far with him, only to find myself suddenly alone?
Maybe, I thought, it’s just too soon. We’d only been together for two months, after all, and maybe he thought it was foolish to declare your love so quickly.
I knew we’d both seen Tyler announce his undying love for many a girl, just to be bitter and disappointed when she turned out to be merely human after all. It was hard to believe that was really the reason, though, because that didn’t apply to us.
Tyler didn’t really know those girls, not like I knew Jasper.
And I knew Jasper. I’d heard all his secrets, and told him mine. We’d fumbled in the darkness, learning each other’s bodies and rhythms as intimately as we knew our own.
I already knew all his flaws and bad habits, like his tendency to use all the hot water, or leave the cap off his toothpaste. The way he crunched his cereal too loudly, and seemed to space out during movies. I already knew the way he shrugged off questions, and how much he hated confrontation. I even knew, now, how badly he folded when there was yelling involved.
And I didn’t care. Even while cataloguing all his flaws, I still wanted to be near him, to hold and kiss and immerse myself in him.
To love him.
Chapter 18