Your Biggest Fan - 6/?
Title: Your Biggest Fan
Chapter: 6/?
Fandom: Twilight
By: bythedamned
Rating: NC-17 overall
Chapter Wordcount: 7,576
Genre: AU, Slash
Pairing: Edward/Jasper
Summary: Throughout high school, the shy and over-burdened Edward Masen threw himself into work and raising his baby sister. He's always felt lucky just to be friends with track star Jasper Cullen. Now, he doesn't know if just friends is enough. AH AU Slash.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns, I just play
A/N: Thanks to my awesome beta, elveys_stuff. I'm warning you guys, this is just the beginning :P
Okay, so I’m not afraid to admit I was pretty freaked out when I realized what I’d done. Once my insistent hard-on had flagged, not only could I pee but I could think. What the fuck was I doing? None of this made sense. I was not the kind of guy who jacked off in other people’s bathrooms, and I was definitely not the kind of guy who had lewd fantasies about his best friend. I didn’t even like guys!
Not having a girlfriend didn’t mean I was gay.
As soon as I thought that word, I found myself in the throes of a mini panic attack and coached myself through some forced deep breathing.
I wasn’t gay, I decided, just confused. I had been upset and distracted, and I wasn’t about to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me with some awkward ‘sorry my penis poked you all night’ conversation with Jasper.
I hopped out into the bedroom to grab the snap-pants and a clean pair of boxers from my bag before huffing my way back into the bathroom.
I must have made a real spectacle of myself, because when I came back out Jasper asked, “You okay?”
“Fine.”
He shrugged and headed for the bathroom himself, while I sat on the bed and stewed.
The rest of the weekend was pretty tense. Ideally, I would have just driven myself home to ride out the rest of the weekend in isolation. That would require someone else driving my car, though, and someone else to come pick them up. I felt bad bothering Esme and Carlisle with that sort of thing.
Instead, I resigned myself to an awkward weekend at the Cullen’s. Japser tiptoed around me, which made me feel like a leper, or a caged lion that couldn’t be provoked. Then again, considering my erratic behavior last night, I could see why he wouldn’t want to come close to me again.
Saturday was sunny so Esme suggested a day by the pool, and everyone threw on their suits and rushed outside. I was slowed down, of course, by my crutches and having to slather SPF 45 all over my pasty and delicate Irish skin. I didn’t want to risk having Jasper touch me again, so I asked Esme to help with my back. She did a quick and efficient job, saying, “If you feel yourself burning, just get Jasper to put some more on. I’ll meet you guys out there.”
He had brought out a book and was lying in the sun, but I opted for the shaded half of the pool. The light reflecting on the sunny side of the suburban blue water played over Jasper’s back in a pattern like the ridges of crinkled tin foil, but fluid and ephemeral. Once, when he looked up at me, I was struck by how his eyes matched the cloudless blue of the sky while his hair reflected the iridescent streaks of sunshine in the same pale gold hue as the pool. He embodied the sunny day perfectly. In fact, he looked like he should be at the beach, wearing nothing but a bathing suit and the leash to a surf board, advertising tear-free sunscreen. Sure as hell, I’d buy that sunscreen.
My knee had turned into a collage of purple and green swirls, but it still felt good to take all my weight off it and float in the pool. After about an hour, though, I got out long enough to dry off and add another layer of sunscreen. Esme did my back again.
Sunday was just as hot, so I lounged around in shorts and a wife beater, but didn’t go outside. The day was mostly dedicated to homework, with a quick call to Alice. When I told her how the race had gone, she chided me for not calling sooner.
“I thought no news was good news! How could you not tell me you were limping around like a cripple?”
“Ali! I’m not crippled. Carlisle looked at it this morning and said I can probably ditch the crutches soon.”
She sighed. “Fine. Wait, how are we gonna get to school tomorrow? Do we have to ride in the cruiser?”
I chuckled. She sounded almost eager, but I knew Bella would be mortified by the thought. “Jasper can drive.”
“Oh. Alright then.”
“Don’t worry, he drives faster than I do. You know those Cullens and their issue with the speed limit.”
She snorted. “Yeah, like the Volvo can go any faster.”
“Hey! Respect the Volvo!”
“Whatever you say, Teddy. See ya tomorrow.”
“Got your homework done?”
She let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Yes, Edward.”
“Good. See ya.”
That afternoon I decided to focus on my one college app. I pulled up Princeton’s website, so I could find all the deadlines for early application, financial aid and all that other important stuff.
At first I couldn’t find it, so I got fed up with the website, but a few more searches on google told me that my frustration was just beginning - Princeton no longer took early applications, as of 2008. So much for the college counselor’s motto of ‘Apply early - it’s less work.’ That meant I couldn’t just apply there, I had to pick several schools. At least five. And that meant instead of one or two essays, I’d have at least ten. God damnit.
“Don’t let my mom hear you talk like that.” I looked around to see that Jasper had just come into the living room, where I was working. I must have sworn aloud. “Everything alright?” he asked.
“Princeton doesn’t take early apps anymore.”
“Oh.” His face tightened up as he thought through something. “Oh! Shit, man. I’m sorry.”
He turned then, and walked out, so I figured he was still avoiding me. He startled me by coming back a minute later and falling onto the couch beside me. He had a monstrously thick book of colleges on his lap.
“Dad got this for me last year. Do you want to look through it?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
He put his hand on my bare shoulder and gave a little squeeze. “That really sucks, I’m sorry.” His hand seemed to linger.
I tensed under his touch, but surreptitiously glanced downward. Jasper had made contact, skin-to-skin contact, and my pants were still tent-free. Halle-frickin-lujah. I knew this whole experience had to be some weird fluke. So I had been attracted to him, briefly, but I wasn’t anymore. That was what mattered.
I grinned up at him, which probably looked out of context, but he asked no questions.
Instead, he seemed to feel it when I dropped my guard, because his shoulders relaxed as well. He got his computer out of his room and joined me in the living room while he finished up some essay.
Neither of us mentioned the strange tension that had permeated the weekend.
But we still went halfsies on his bed.
As I expected, Bella looked relieved and Alice looked disenchanted when we picked them up the next morning for school.
Jasper nodded to them. “Morning, girls.”
“How come you don’t have your own car?” Bella asked.
He shrugged as he pulled out of the Swan’s driveway. “Edward had his when I turned sixteen, and then I wasn’t in such a rush anymore.”
“Yeah,” Alice piped up, “but you could’ve gotten a nice car. It’s not like your parents can’t afford it.”
“Alice!” I turned around in my seat, but she just mouthed, ‘what?’
He looked at the girls through the rearview mirror and said, “All you need’s a car that goes. This one does the trick.” I hoped Alice took that to heart, ‘cause she was going to inherit the Volvo once she turned sixteen, if it still ran.
Truth was, I’d asked him the exact same question - with a bit more tact - and he’d told me he’d never wanted to sound like Rosalie, so he never mentioned a car to his parents.
Alice clearly didn’t agree with the logic he’d voiced aloud, but didn’t say anything more.
“So, I don’t have to go to track after school. Where are you girls gonna be?”
“The drama room. They’re posting the cast list.”
“Oooh,” I said with a wag of my eyebrows, flashing a grin at Jasper. “It’s the big day.”
“Shut up, Edward.”
Jas and I laughed.
I found Ali in the hallways after school or, rather, she found me. Once I spotted her barreling down the hallway, I had enough time to lean a crutch against the wall and brace myself for her monster force of a hug. She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed tightly. I had no idea whether this hug was a plea for congratulations or condolences, but I wrapped one arm around her small back and squeezed.
“Ali?”
When she shook her head and pressed her face into my chest, my heart sank just a little. Damnit. And she had been so excited.
“You’re not Puck?”
She looked up at me then, with her chin digging into my ribs, and I could tell her eyes had been wiped of tears. “I’m not anyone. I didn’t get cast at all.”
“Not even a fairy? Can they do that?”
She nodded sadly, and pressed herself back into my chest. “I’m just a freshman.”
“I’m so sorry, Ali.” I tried to pat her back soothingly. “What about something else? Would you want to do costumes? Or set design?”
She shrugged without lifting her head. “I don’t want to think about it yet.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “Let’s go wait outside.” I picked up my other crutch and we slowly made our way to the library, where Bella was studying. We didn’t go inside, instead opting to sit leaning against the old brick building and talk. I slid down awkwardly, holding my right leg out straight and catching myself on the concrete, whereas Alice did some delicate plea thing that left her sitting Indian style. It’s a good thing I was fast, ‘cause she sure as hell got all the grace.
Giving her eyes one last rub with her dainty fists, she let out a weary sigh. “I just knew this day was going to suck.”
“Yeah?” I humored her.
“Yeah. First we didn’t get to ride in Charlie’s cop-mobile, then chemistry had a pop quiz, and then the cafeteria lunch sucked balls.”
“Alice!”
She just shrugged. “What? You say vulgar things all the time.”
“I do not!” Not in front of her, anyway. And I certainly didn’t say that. She didn’t believe me though, so I conceded. “I’ll cut down if you do too?”
“Deal.”
“Anyway, why was lunch so crappy?”
She let out an aggravated groan. “What made Forks think they knew how to make enchiladas? I mean, seriously, did the Mexican border just jump three states closer, because last I checked we were surrounded by a bunch of helpless gringos.”
She had a point - all the Spanish words Mom insisted we pick up in Phoenix were a complete waste here in Washington, and the Mexican food available around was worth even less.
“Wait, I thought Charlie packed you a lunch?”
She let out a little giggle. “Oh, Edward. He used to put lunchables and a soda in a paper bag but that got old, I guess, so now he just gives us lunch money.”
I frowned. “You shouldn’t be taking money from the Swans, Ali.” I frowned and resolved to stop by the ATM as soon as I could drive myself again. I knew I was a monstrous hypocrite, but still. Ali had been right this morning - the Cullens could afford a lot, a lot more than Charlie Swan could. Like, for example, an extra mouth to feed. “I’ll give you some money for lunches by next week, okay?”
I expected that to lighten her mood, for her to perk up and ‘ooooh!’ and run through a list of all the things that money could buy. Like clothes or makeup or chocolate; whatever it is that girls secretly want.
Instead, she wrapped her arms around her knees and pulled them to her chest, laying her cheek down on one knee to look at me. She looked so forlorn.
“Why do you have to change everything?”
“I’m not, I’m just trying to make it easier-”
“You are!” she insisted. “Everything’s going to be different. I’m in high school now and have to worry about money and you’re going to leave and everything’s changing.” She squeezed her eyes shut and whispered, “I’m changing.”
I mimicked her by laying my cheek on my good knee. “You’re still you, Teeny. You’re still the same brat sister that messes with my hair and makes fun of my car at every opportunity.” I grinned widely, hoping it’d catch on.
She pushed one hand up to swipe her long auburn hair over her shoulder. “No. I’ll never be the same.”
“Come on, Ali. That’s pretty-”
“No.” She cut me off with a stern voice I rarely heard from her. “Edward. You’re being dense. Things have changed.”
I lifted my head, eyeing her closely. “What things?”
For a moment I thought she wouldn’t answer, but then she pressed her forehead against her knees and told them, “Woman things.”
‘ … ’ went my brain. Oh man. Oh shit. I threw my arms around her, basically trying to block her view of the panic on my face.
“Edward, you don’t have to freak out just ‘cause I got my period.”
I winced at the word.
I loosened my arms so she could rearrange herself. “Shut up,” I whispered softly in her ear. “If Mom were here she’d hug you, but she’s not, so I get to do it, okay?”
I felt her nod and hug back.
“I just feel like I’m supposed to be different now. Mom always said ‘When you’re a big girl we’ll talk about this’ and ‘When you’re older we’ll talk about that.’ Now I’m wondering if there’s some easy way to do this that she just never got to tell me.”
I nodded sympathetically, but obviously didn’t have any insight for her. I asked her polite questions: when it had happened, how she was feeling, if she needed anything. Eventually she shushed me, amused. “Just stop, Teddy. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I gave her a pointed look. Was I supposed to know any of this? That’s what moms are for…
“But,” she looked away, staring instead at the concrete between us, “thanks for listening.”
“Of course.”
It occurred to me, in a flash of potential, that Ali would listen to what had happened to me this weekend too.
I mean, not what happened. Not what I did. As far as I was concerned, spurting to the thought of Jasper’s hands was something I would leave in the closet, along with all my other skeletons, forever.
But surely Ali wouldn’t judge me, right? I opened my mouth to bring it up, but couldn’t think of where to start. She raised an eyebrow in question, but I just swallowed and shook my head. It was too soon, too confusing and uncertain. I wasn’t even sure what there was to say that didn’t include my erection. And I still thought, maybe, this would turn out to be some huge random coincidence.
Even if I had woken up hard the last two mornings.
Eventually Bella dragged herself away from the books and into the daylight and Jasper jogged up, all freshly showered. His thin white shirt clung to his body like his skin had still been wet when he pulled it on, and it highlighted his broad chest and his-
Why would I care if his nipples are hard? So what?
Ali filled Bella in on the drama debacle in the midst of one giant hug while Jasper joked about Coach Clapp’s ability to lecture thin air, and then we all wandered towards the car. Jasper drove again and dropped the girls off first, but stopped by my house to pick up fresh clothes. I grabbed my crutches before maneuvering myself out of the car.
“I’ll just be a minute.”
He rolled his eyes, already standing in the street and shutting his own door. “Like you could even lug your stuff up the steps.”
He had a point, so I let him drag my bag out of the trunk and into my room, where I grabbed some fresh clothes. I had left the dirty ones at Jasper’s, because if I brought them home they’d probably be neglected until they grew a colony of sentient mold and slithered away.
“You know,” he reasoned, hoisting the now-heavy bag onto his shoulder, “you should probably just have a drawer in my room.”
A drawer? I had been sleeping at his place for years, why did I suddenly need a drawer? Drawers were for girlfriends. Why was I suddenly deserving of a drawer? The idea of it appealed to me in a very frightening way. I could see myself, rolling out of Jasper’s bed all sleepy and disheveled and sauntering over to his dresser like it was the most natural thing in the world.
That image unnerved me though, and I shook my head. “That’s alright. Things are fine the way they are.”
He took a step back, and his eyebrows shifted towards each other. “Oh,” was all he said, before turning to head for the front door. I followed him but as he held the front door open expectantly, I paused.
“Do you, um, could I have a minute?”
His eyes flickered toward the living room where our most prized photo adorned the fireplace. With a silent nod, he stepped outside and closed the door soundlessly.
I sat gingerly on the coffee table, laying my crutches beside me and taking a deep breath before gazing up at the fireplace.
“Hi Mom,” I said softly. This was an old tradition by now, our one-sided conversation of fragmented sentences and wishes. When I was a kid, she’d sit and listen and swipe the tangled hair off my forehead, and when I was finally out of words she’d tell me she loved me and that it would all be alright. And I believed her. It got so that just telling her my fears and worries would make them better, because she always promised it’d be okay. In the more recent years, I always felt that it was easiest to think under her supportive gaze.
I thought about what I most wanted to say. It wasn’t that I spoke to Mom, exactly, but more that I thought really loudly.
I miss you, I thought. So much. You really should have been here today.
I thought about what had happened to Ali, and how she had to turn to her clueless older brother for help. It obviously bothered her - she was confused and uncomfortable, but I sure as hell didn’t have the answers. I thought about how she and Bella had called Renee but, surprise, she was nowhere to be found.
I ran a hand through my unruly hair.
You’re supposed to be here.
The fact that she wasn’t bothered me and I started to get angry, at life and my helplessness and the injustice of it all. I let my hand fall over my eyes, focusing only on deep breathing for a minute before I looked up at the photo again. Mom’s visage watched over me, soft and soothing with her blue dress and jungle green, knowing eyes. She had been looking directly into the camera when this particular photo was taken, and it felt like I could make eye contact with her from my seat on the coffee table. Our matching family eyes focused on each other’s, and it felt like she was actually listening. So I confided in her like I couldn’t in anyone else.
And I’m confused too, Mom. Jasper’s always been wonderful but suddenly he feels… more wonderful. I didn’t know how to explain it, even to someone who wasn’t there. He was so good to me, and I didn’t have to worry so much when he was around, because I felt like at least I knew I’d done one thing right.
I took another deep breath and took in the slight quirk of my mother’s smile, like she knew how this would all end. If only she could tell me. I know you’d always love me anyway, I told her, no matter who I like. I’m not saying I do like him, I’m just saying, you know. I just wish you were here to tell me it’ll be okay.
“I hate that you’re gone,” I whispered, finally dragging my eyes to the floor, where I stared at my ratty shoelaces. I could feel my chest getting tight, but I couldn’t deny the relief it felt to say that aloud, even to an empty room. I hated her absence more than anything.
I thought about all the other things I hated - the sun, first and foremost. I hated the soccer games and swimming lessons that had dragged her out under the harsh UV rays of Phoenix. I hated Forks, even though there was barely any sunlight, for the months of hospice care we’d all held our breaths through. I hated the word cancer.
I hated the responsibility of raising a fourteen year old girl, and I hated that I had no one to say Edward, relax, just be a kid a little while longer.
Damnit, I loved Ali, more than anything, but the weight of being her anchor and compass could be crushing sometimes.
The only thing that came easily in my life was, well, he was waiting for me in the car.
I looked at my own pasty white arms to find that they were blurry. Hurriedly, I wiped my eyes and gathered my crutches.
“Feel better?” Jasper asked after a few minutes of silence in the car.
I nodded. I really did.
By the time we reached his house, I had made up my mind. Jasper, considerate as ever, was pulling my duffel through the front door, and was surprised when I veered off towards the sound of Esme in the kitchen.
“What’s up, man?”
I looked back over my shoulder, feigning an ease I didn’t feel. “I just gotta ask your mom something real quick. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I stood awkwardly in the kitchen waiting for Esme to notice me over the sound of her clanging pans and humming.
“Uh, hi Esme.”
“Edward!” She spun around, startled and clutching a wooden spoon to her chest. When I didn’t say anything she prompted, “Do you need something?”
I did. I needed to ask her a question, but a million different possibilities swam through my thoughts. Where do you draw the line between friends and lovers? Would you hate me if I kissed your son? Would it be weird if Jasper gave me a drawer?
I couldn’t look her in the eye, so instead I stared at the grains of wood beneath my feet and mumbled out my query.
She placed the spoon on the counter before stepping closer. “Edward,” she said softly. I still couldn’t meet her eyes. “Edward, I can’t understand you if you mumble.”
Crap, I was going to have to say it louder. I cleared my throat and asked in a timid voice, “What should you do after a girl gets her period?”
“Oh!” Her posture stiffened as she took a step back. My eyes flashed up to hers, but she was looking around, away, anywhere but at me. “Edward, dear, isn’t this a conversation you’d rather have with Carlisle?”
“No!” I blurted out, a little too loudly. If Esme was surprised before, she was fucking bewildered now, and I couldn’t say I was faring any better. I squeezed my eyes shut and slapped a hand across them, begging my brain to get its thoughts in order. Rephrase, rephrase!
Finally, I looked up at her.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I knew what girls had to go through, technically. If nothing else, last year’s health class had hammered that point home. Um, so to speak.
“It’s just, okay, she’d kill me if she knew I told you, but Ali got her period. And she told me, ‘cause I’m the only person she can tell besides Bella. I know all girls go through this and she’ll figure it out eventually but I know there’s supposed to be some lecture, or something-.” I was really speed-talking now, dispelling the words from my mind so I didn’t have to think them anymore. Luckily Esme’s expression had turned to something indiscernible but distinctly maternal.
“Edward,” she interrupted me, a hand held up to get my attention. “First of all, breathe.”
I did, and thought of Jasper.
“Second, let’s sit.” We moved to sit across from each other at the family dinner table, and I leaned my crutches on the chair beside me. “Alright. Edward, women have been figuring this out for centuries, and there will be someone who knows what they’re doing to talk to her about all this. A woman,” she punctuated, as if it wasn’t clear.
I sighed. “I don’t think so. She comes to me for everything. Everything. And this was no exception. Bella’s mom is completely AWOL, and she just got so upset over how things are changing. I just want to know if I should get her a book or… something. Charlie Swan certainly won’t be any help.”
Esme actually chuckled at that. In fact, I think she let out a little snort. “No, certainly not.” She reached across the table, then, and gave my hand a little squeeze. “Edward, it’s truly touching how much you care for Alice.” Her eyes flicked to the direction of her children’s bedrooms. “And yes, she would probably benefit from some motherly advice. But there are some things you just won’t be able to do for her.”
I sighed again, and deflated in my seat. “I know.”
“I’ll have to talk to her.”
“Seriously?”
She smiled tenderly. “Absolutely. She’s so young. I’ll bring it up next time I see her.”
I swear I would have hugged her if there wasn’t a table between us. “Thanks Esme. Really.”
“I know, dear.” She patted my hand before standing. “Dinner’s in an hour. Tell Jas, would you?”
After we ate, Carlisle poked and prodded until he decided I could lose the crutches, saying that everything was healing nicely and the bruising was mostly superficial. I still limped around making a spectacle of myself until it was time for bed which, I admit, I was both looking forward to and nervous about.
On one hand, my brief elation over interacting with Jasper boner-free had dissipated sometime around lunch when he threw his arms over his head and stretched, revealing both the cut of his pecs and warm tan of his stomach. My brain went don’t look! but my dick went sproing!
So of course I had to excuse myself, citing some last minute homework to do.
I knew I had been running hot and cold all weekend. I felt caught between enjoying the tingles up the back of my neck - among other places - when his vulnerable and affectionate gaze fell to me, and the absolute fear of being caught at full-mast with no explanation but the strong curve of his jaw. What would he think? What would he say? Jasper was one of the most loving and sympathetic people I knew; all the small kindnesses that made me hard could just be exactly that - acts of kindness, of friendship. What if I was misinterpreting all his signals, and admitting my reaction would squander the only good friendship I had? It had been taking me longer and longer to walk away each time, though, and I feared that eventually the desire to nuzzle my dick up against his thigh would overpower me. That was why I had to keep my distance.
On the other hand, he just smelled so fucking good. I confirmed this when I crawled into his bed that night, against my better judgment, and inhaled deeply. Jasper was warmth and cinnamon and grass and summer and all things easy and right. Fuck. How was I supposed to stay away from this?
I wasn’t even half asleep before I started getting hard. Knowing he was right beside me in only boxers, the tension and fear and arousal began to wreak havoc on my teenage body. Christ, my dick was so insistent, it was practically a medical condition. I wondered idly if there was a support group for this kind of thing. Hard-ons for Cullens, and I was its only member.
Well, except for Emmett. The thought kinda weirded me out, but also made me snicker to myself, thinking that we finally had something in common. Plus, there was every other guy at school that would drool over Rosalie just so she could stare at her own reflection in the puddles at their feet.
Okay, so it wasn’t just me. Clearly this Cullen family had some sexy motherfucking pheromones, and no one else in Forks could blame me if I was powerless against them.
My dreams were vivid and X-rated, with Jasper slipping off his track shorts in the showers at school. We were alone, and when he turned to me I could see his straining cock, eager and weeping, just like my
Morning wood!
“God damnit damnit damnit,” I muttered to myself. Damnit damnit damnit.
I quickly rolled over, out of the dip in the middle of the bed that somehow both Jasper and I were curled into, and lurched to the bathroom.
I heard a groggy, “What’s up? You okay?”
“Fine!” I slammed the door a little harder than intended.
There I go with the mixed signals again. Jasper probably thought I had a personality disorder by this point, but the boner thing was really getting out of hand.
I started up the shower and quickly climbed in for an angry wank session. It’s embarrassing how quickly I came all over the slick green shower wall. The mess I made then clumped all over my hand when I had to wipe it off, ‘cause that shit is sticky. I stomped around the house all morning, forcing Jasper to dodge me and my hostility.
Jessica cornered us outside first period and tried to commiserate over our loss and my injury at La Push, since she’d been absent on Monday. I couldn’t even fake giving a shit, so Jasper did all the talking.
After school I was still less-than-stellar company, so we opted to watch an episode of Heroes that Esme had recorded. I tried to concentrate, but was distracted by the desire to lay my head on Jasper’s shoulder. As soft as it wasn’t, I definitely wanted a reminder of how good he smelled.
That was alarming in and of itself, because I didn’t have a piece of anatomy to blame it on. It struck me, then, and I nearly groaned for being so oblivious. This was my best friend; the center of my slowly-turning universe, other than my family, since our very first sleepover. I thought I was just hormonally repressed but now I wanted to, what? Snuggle?
My mind flipped through the index of memories: leaning into Jasper when he tied on my bandage, throwing my arms around him when I’d fallen on the track, the way I ended up nestled against him every morning in his bed. I just wanted to be close to Jasper.
And now I knew why. The images in my head blurred and morphed, like water colors dripping down a canvas, only to create brighter, revised pictures. I could hear what Jasper would have whispered on the track, about how he’d take me home and wrap his arms around me and make it better. I could see him kneeling with my bandage, but then skimming his fingertips over my knee and thigh, across my hips and chest, until he reached my neck to pull me in for a soft kiss. I couldn’t believe I was thinking about kissing Jasper!
God, the things we could have been up to waking up in his bed every morning. I was sure Jasper would make a truly considerate lover.
Oh my god. Lover.
“You alright, man? We don’t have to watch this. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
His breath across my ear made me shiver, but I nodded. I had seen a ghost. The ghost of what might have been.
The ghost of what could be?
I couldn’t concentrate for shit after that, ignoring my homework completely, and was grateful when Esme called us for dinner.
“So, Edward, have you made any plans for your birthday?” she asked.
I startled. “Uh, no? I usually just spend the day with family.”
When I immediately realized that, no, I usually spent it with Jasper’s family, I coughed loudly. I clearly considered the Cullens as surrogates for the cohesive family I no longer had.
“I mean, and you guys.”
“What, no party?” Carlisle joked. “You only turn eighteen once.”
“You’re even welcome to have it here, dear.”
If Rosalie’s usual expression was shooting daggers at me over dinner, she had upgraded to hand grenades. The dreams of her sweet-sixteen party had been squandered when Esme vetoed half the guest list.
“Honestly, I don’t really want a party. Can’t I just hang out here?”
“Don’t worry, man. We’ll just chill.”
That sounded like a better alternative to filling Jasper’s house with people I didn’t even know that well.
“You won’t be too upset though, will you, Edward, if I make a cake anyway?”
I smiled a little at my plate, avoiding eye contact all around. “I’d like that,” I said quietly. “Coconut?”
After dinner, I quickly excused myself to Jasper’s room and spent several hours trying to pick out colleges to apply to. The quiet did me good, and I found myself breathing a sigh of - well, if not relief, then at least understanding. I was still anxious as hell, but at least my thoughts were clear. I liked Jasper. I like-liked Jasper. I wanted Jasper. The uncertainty that represented was ridiculously scary, but at least I didn’t feel like an unwelcome house guest in my own head anymore.
“Knock-knock,” Jasper murmured, sitting on the bed next to me. “You in there?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
He paused, troubling his full lower lip with his teeth unconsciously. I wanted him to let me do that instead.
“Look,” he started with a gust of breath. “I don’t know if I did something or… or what. I mean, if I did, I’m sorry.” I closed the laptop and turned to face him fully. He squinted at me, like if he could just focus he’d be able to tell what I was feeling. “Are you mad at me?”
I shook my head, unsure of exactly what I should say. I mean, I couldn’t exactly explain my behavior, not to him. Not out loud.
“It’s just, you seem so angry. Or distant, or both. I know there’s something churning in your head, but you won’t talk to me, man. So I started to think, maybe it’s something about me…”
It is you. Apparently, it’s always been you.
I wanted to reassure him, to rub the tension from his shoulders and promise him I could never be mad at him. I reached for his hand, but caught myself in time. Instead, pushed myself to a sitting position, and found myself merely inches from his glorious, distraught face. The proximity made my skin tingle and my face flush. His eyes were so wide, I wondered what it’d be like to swim in water that blue.
“It’s not you. Honest. I’m not angry at you.” I swallowed hard, and ended on a whisper. “You’re perfect.” He blinked numbly, still confused, and I thought back on Ali’s words. “Things are changing.”
“In a good way?” He ceased any and all movements, like my next words would decide if he had the strength to keep sitting beside me or would crumble to dust on the comforter.
Again, I wanted to wrap my fingers around his own and tell him not to worry, because I would never let go. I wanted to nibble his pink bottom lip until he had no choice but to latch onto mine. I wanted to push him back into the pillows and show him exactly how much things had changed.
Instead, I opened my mouth to answer. “I think s-”
“Knock knock, bitches!” The screeching voice startled me, and I jerked myself away from Jasper. I felt guilty and ashamed, and didn’t know why. His bedroom door immediately swung open to reveal the Empress of Bitchdom and Push-up Bras, Rosalie.
She looked back and forth between us, curling her top lip in disdain. “Jeez. What are you guys doing?”
“Nothing!” Jasper demanded hastily. “Wasn’t it locked?”
“Whatever.” She waved him off with a flip of her hair before turning her eyes on me. “Can you, like, shoo?”
I rolled my eyes toward Jasper but, for once, he seemed too unnerved to stand up to her. I rolled my eyes again and dragged myself over to his bathroom.
I flipped on the tap, intent on splashing some cold water on my face. What the fuck was that? Had I, in my attempts not to humiliate myself in front of Jasper, completely missed that I’d left him feeling ignored and rejected? How could he even think that? I had been one subtle lean away from placing my lips on his, feeling the intake of his breaths as his chest pushed against mine. Now that I knew what I wanted, nothing else could completely overwrite those thoughts.
What could I tell him? Not the truth - not this soon. I had only known I liked him for a day, well, two days. Thinking back… maybe it was really a week and a half, or - Jesus - how long had I wanted this? How long ago had I attached myself to Jasper just in the hopes of having something more?
If only I could talk to him about it. Slowly bring it up, or return his well-meaning caresses and spot his reaction. Would he, could he respond the same way to me as I had to him?
I flicked the tap off as I moved to wipe my face on a towel. As soon as I did, Rosalie’s voice rang clearly through the closed door.
“I don’t get it, Jas. What’s the appeal? He’s weaseled his way so far into our family, Mom’s baking him a fucking cake?”
I should have stopped listening, obviously, or even turned the water back on for another few minutes, but Rosalie’s string of daily tirades was getting a bit old, and I wanted to hear him shut her down. Besides, I myself had always wondered what he thought about having a live-in best friend.
He started with the obvious. “He’s my best friend, Rose.”
There was silence for a moment, and I wished I could see their faces, or hear their thoughts.
Finally, Rosalie answered with a scoff. “Yeah? And that’s all?”
My chest constricted. What had she seen? Or heard? What had I let slip? Damnit, I had worked so hard to hide this from Jasper, but if Rosalie had noticed…
“He fucking worships the ground you walk on. He’s your biggest fan, like a loyal rescue puppy.”
I was both relieved and pissed off at the same time. She didn’t think I was gay - she thought I was his personal cheerleader, the loser that Jasper let hang around out of pity.
“Rose, when are you going to learn to shut up about things you know nothing about?”
She sounded exasperated. “When you admit this isn’t normal! His entire life is built around you.”
“Shut up!” he hissed. “Not so loud, okay? It doesn’t bother me.”
Doesn’t bother him?
“Look, the way things are with Edward and me, I like it this way.”
I was through the doorway and into the room before I even had a chance to think, heedless of my healing knee.
“Like it what way?”
Rosalie screeched, “You eavesdropping little shit!” but Jasper just paled and choked out my name in surprise.
“You like it what way?” I repeated.
“You-” he swallowed hard, “you heard?”
My phone started to ring in my pocket, but I ignored it. “Jasper, she’s full of shit. Tell her I’m not just some charity case you brought home.”
“Are you kidding,” Rosalie interjected. “You should have seen yourself when you moved here. Jasper let you sleep over ‘cause you looked like you were going to fucking cry if he didn’t.”
I was having trouble keeping my breathing even. I looked to him, stunned, and my throat felt stuck. “That’s not true. Right?”
He stepped towards me, his hands open and outstretched. “Edward. Rose just doesn’t understand. You’re still my best friend.”
Oh my god. That wasn’t a no - I couldn’t even believe how much that wasn’t a no.
He was supposed to defend me. Why wasn’t he defending me?
“But why, Jasper? ‘Cause you felt bad for me?”
He didn’t answer, and instead looked at his feet with a thick swallow. Even without words, the way his expression dripped guilt told me I had just heard something I was never supposed to know. If Rosalie had made that story up he would have just called her on it. Obviously, she had hit on something true and I wasn’t sure I could stomach any more of her memories.
“Rose,” he ground out, still not tearing his gaze from me. “Would you fuck off already?”
Her and her black cloud of distrust oozed out of Jasper’s room as she commented, “No wonder he never asked you to leave, if you’d act like this.”
This boy, he was supposed to be my best friend. He was the best thing I’d found. I had even - oh god! I had touched myself, thinking of him!
“Jasper, please. Tell me you don’t pity me.”
I really was starting to feel sick, especially as it dawned on me that it was probably all true. Hadn’t I just realized that every day of my life was based around Jasper Cullen? Hadn’t I attached myself years ago with no hope of being shaken loose? And all because I wanted more, whether I had known it then or not.
My phone shrilled insistently again, and before I could subject myself to his answer I pulled it from my pocket and flipped it open.
“What?” I demanded.
Silence.
I turned my back to Jasper as I pulled the phone from my ear to actually look at the screen.
It flashed ‘Alice 0:10’, counting the seconds of our mute conversation. I put the phone back to my ear and asked, more gently this time, “Alice, are you there?”
More silence followed, and I was about to hang up thinking it was an accidental call. The clock above the desk told me it was nearly midnight. As I moved the phone away again I heard a little gasping sound. I pressed the receiver to one ear and plugged the other with my finger.
Sure enough, there was a faint and choppy sniffling noise.
“Ali? Are you okay? Can you hear me?”
A deep, wet cry cut roughly through the speaker, and the sound was unmistakable.
“Can you hear me, Ali? What’s wrong? Where are you?”
Her breathing went through a range of pitiful sounds, and I could tell that she was trying to gasp around the sobs to form words.
Jasper put his hand on my shoulder but I shook him off, turning even farther away. I didn’t know what was happening to Alice, but I was starting to panic and couldn’t deal with him.
“Where are you?” I demanded from the phone.
I heard a loud swallow, followed by the word, “Home.” Her voice sounded muffled and weak, like she had shrunk in size and was yelling for help, but couldn’t make her voice loud enough.
“I’m coming,” I promised. “I’ll be there. Don’t move. I’ll be right there.”
I hated to hang up on her, but I couldn’t drive as fast as I wanted and hold the phone at the same time.
“I’m leaving.”
“Is everything alright?” He sounded nervous, and I couldn’t bring myself to give a shit. I had bigger priorities at the moment.
“No. I’m going home to find Alice.”
"What's wrong?"
"I have no idea, but I have to go now." I grabbed my sweatshirt and car keys from the couch.
“Wait,” he said, finally springing into action, “I’ll drive.”
“Don’t bother.” I didn’t even spare him a glance.
“Edward, come on. I just-”
“No.” I planted my feet and made sure I looked him in the eye. “I don’t need your pity, or your help.”
He followed me into the hallway and to the front door, saying, “You shouldn’t even be driving.”
I ignored him.
“At least call to let me know you got there safe.”
I threw a hand up without turning around. “Fine. Whatever.”
Thirty seconds later, I was peeling out of the Cullen’s driveway, Jasper and my knee be damned.
Chapter 7
Chapter: 6/?
Fandom: Twilight
By: bythedamned
Rating: NC-17 overall
Chapter Wordcount: 7,576
Genre: AU, Slash
Pairing: Edward/Jasper
Summary: Throughout high school, the shy and over-burdened Edward Masen threw himself into work and raising his baby sister. He's always felt lucky just to be friends with track star Jasper Cullen. Now, he doesn't know if just friends is enough. AH AU Slash.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns, I just play
A/N: Thanks to my awesome beta, elveys_stuff. I'm warning you guys, this is just the beginning :P
Okay, so I’m not afraid to admit I was pretty freaked out when I realized what I’d done. Once my insistent hard-on had flagged, not only could I pee but I could think. What the fuck was I doing? None of this made sense. I was not the kind of guy who jacked off in other people’s bathrooms, and I was definitely not the kind of guy who had lewd fantasies about his best friend. I didn’t even like guys!
Not having a girlfriend didn’t mean I was gay.
As soon as I thought that word, I found myself in the throes of a mini panic attack and coached myself through some forced deep breathing.
I wasn’t gay, I decided, just confused. I had been upset and distracted, and I wasn’t about to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me with some awkward ‘sorry my penis poked you all night’ conversation with Jasper.
I hopped out into the bedroom to grab the snap-pants and a clean pair of boxers from my bag before huffing my way back into the bathroom.
I must have made a real spectacle of myself, because when I came back out Jasper asked, “You okay?”
“Fine.”
He shrugged and headed for the bathroom himself, while I sat on the bed and stewed.
The rest of the weekend was pretty tense. Ideally, I would have just driven myself home to ride out the rest of the weekend in isolation. That would require someone else driving my car, though, and someone else to come pick them up. I felt bad bothering Esme and Carlisle with that sort of thing.
Instead, I resigned myself to an awkward weekend at the Cullen’s. Japser tiptoed around me, which made me feel like a leper, or a caged lion that couldn’t be provoked. Then again, considering my erratic behavior last night, I could see why he wouldn’t want to come close to me again.
Saturday was sunny so Esme suggested a day by the pool, and everyone threw on their suits and rushed outside. I was slowed down, of course, by my crutches and having to slather SPF 45 all over my pasty and delicate Irish skin. I didn’t want to risk having Jasper touch me again, so I asked Esme to help with my back. She did a quick and efficient job, saying, “If you feel yourself burning, just get Jasper to put some more on. I’ll meet you guys out there.”
He had brought out a book and was lying in the sun, but I opted for the shaded half of the pool. The light reflecting on the sunny side of the suburban blue water played over Jasper’s back in a pattern like the ridges of crinkled tin foil, but fluid and ephemeral. Once, when he looked up at me, I was struck by how his eyes matched the cloudless blue of the sky while his hair reflected the iridescent streaks of sunshine in the same pale gold hue as the pool. He embodied the sunny day perfectly. In fact, he looked like he should be at the beach, wearing nothing but a bathing suit and the leash to a surf board, advertising tear-free sunscreen. Sure as hell, I’d buy that sunscreen.
My knee had turned into a collage of purple and green swirls, but it still felt good to take all my weight off it and float in the pool. After about an hour, though, I got out long enough to dry off and add another layer of sunscreen. Esme did my back again.
Sunday was just as hot, so I lounged around in shorts and a wife beater, but didn’t go outside. The day was mostly dedicated to homework, with a quick call to Alice. When I told her how the race had gone, she chided me for not calling sooner.
“I thought no news was good news! How could you not tell me you were limping around like a cripple?”
“Ali! I’m not crippled. Carlisle looked at it this morning and said I can probably ditch the crutches soon.”
She sighed. “Fine. Wait, how are we gonna get to school tomorrow? Do we have to ride in the cruiser?”
I chuckled. She sounded almost eager, but I knew Bella would be mortified by the thought. “Jasper can drive.”
“Oh. Alright then.”
“Don’t worry, he drives faster than I do. You know those Cullens and their issue with the speed limit.”
She snorted. “Yeah, like the Volvo can go any faster.”
“Hey! Respect the Volvo!”
“Whatever you say, Teddy. See ya tomorrow.”
“Got your homework done?”
She let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Yes, Edward.”
“Good. See ya.”
That afternoon I decided to focus on my one college app. I pulled up Princeton’s website, so I could find all the deadlines for early application, financial aid and all that other important stuff.
At first I couldn’t find it, so I got fed up with the website, but a few more searches on google told me that my frustration was just beginning - Princeton no longer took early applications, as of 2008. So much for the college counselor’s motto of ‘Apply early - it’s less work.’ That meant I couldn’t just apply there, I had to pick several schools. At least five. And that meant instead of one or two essays, I’d have at least ten. God damnit.
“Don’t let my mom hear you talk like that.” I looked around to see that Jasper had just come into the living room, where I was working. I must have sworn aloud. “Everything alright?” he asked.
“Princeton doesn’t take early apps anymore.”
“Oh.” His face tightened up as he thought through something. “Oh! Shit, man. I’m sorry.”
He turned then, and walked out, so I figured he was still avoiding me. He startled me by coming back a minute later and falling onto the couch beside me. He had a monstrously thick book of colleges on his lap.
“Dad got this for me last year. Do you want to look through it?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
He put his hand on my bare shoulder and gave a little squeeze. “That really sucks, I’m sorry.” His hand seemed to linger.
I tensed under his touch, but surreptitiously glanced downward. Jasper had made contact, skin-to-skin contact, and my pants were still tent-free. Halle-frickin-lujah. I knew this whole experience had to be some weird fluke. So I had been attracted to him, briefly, but I wasn’t anymore. That was what mattered.
I grinned up at him, which probably looked out of context, but he asked no questions.
Instead, he seemed to feel it when I dropped my guard, because his shoulders relaxed as well. He got his computer out of his room and joined me in the living room while he finished up some essay.
Neither of us mentioned the strange tension that had permeated the weekend.
But we still went halfsies on his bed.
As I expected, Bella looked relieved and Alice looked disenchanted when we picked them up the next morning for school.
Jasper nodded to them. “Morning, girls.”
“How come you don’t have your own car?” Bella asked.
He shrugged as he pulled out of the Swan’s driveway. “Edward had his when I turned sixteen, and then I wasn’t in such a rush anymore.”
“Yeah,” Alice piped up, “but you could’ve gotten a nice car. It’s not like your parents can’t afford it.”
“Alice!” I turned around in my seat, but she just mouthed, ‘what?’
He looked at the girls through the rearview mirror and said, “All you need’s a car that goes. This one does the trick.” I hoped Alice took that to heart, ‘cause she was going to inherit the Volvo once she turned sixteen, if it still ran.
Truth was, I’d asked him the exact same question - with a bit more tact - and he’d told me he’d never wanted to sound like Rosalie, so he never mentioned a car to his parents.
Alice clearly didn’t agree with the logic he’d voiced aloud, but didn’t say anything more.
“So, I don’t have to go to track after school. Where are you girls gonna be?”
“The drama room. They’re posting the cast list.”
“Oooh,” I said with a wag of my eyebrows, flashing a grin at Jasper. “It’s the big day.”
“Shut up, Edward.”
Jas and I laughed.
I found Ali in the hallways after school or, rather, she found me. Once I spotted her barreling down the hallway, I had enough time to lean a crutch against the wall and brace myself for her monster force of a hug. She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed tightly. I had no idea whether this hug was a plea for congratulations or condolences, but I wrapped one arm around her small back and squeezed.
“Ali?”
When she shook her head and pressed her face into my chest, my heart sank just a little. Damnit. And she had been so excited.
“You’re not Puck?”
She looked up at me then, with her chin digging into my ribs, and I could tell her eyes had been wiped of tears. “I’m not anyone. I didn’t get cast at all.”
“Not even a fairy? Can they do that?”
She nodded sadly, and pressed herself back into my chest. “I’m just a freshman.”
“I’m so sorry, Ali.” I tried to pat her back soothingly. “What about something else? Would you want to do costumes? Or set design?”
She shrugged without lifting her head. “I don’t want to think about it yet.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “Let’s go wait outside.” I picked up my other crutch and we slowly made our way to the library, where Bella was studying. We didn’t go inside, instead opting to sit leaning against the old brick building and talk. I slid down awkwardly, holding my right leg out straight and catching myself on the concrete, whereas Alice did some delicate plea thing that left her sitting Indian style. It’s a good thing I was fast, ‘cause she sure as hell got all the grace.
Giving her eyes one last rub with her dainty fists, she let out a weary sigh. “I just knew this day was going to suck.”
“Yeah?” I humored her.
“Yeah. First we didn’t get to ride in Charlie’s cop-mobile, then chemistry had a pop quiz, and then the cafeteria lunch sucked balls.”
“Alice!”
She just shrugged. “What? You say vulgar things all the time.”
“I do not!” Not in front of her, anyway. And I certainly didn’t say that. She didn’t believe me though, so I conceded. “I’ll cut down if you do too?”
“Deal.”
“Anyway, why was lunch so crappy?”
She let out an aggravated groan. “What made Forks think they knew how to make enchiladas? I mean, seriously, did the Mexican border just jump three states closer, because last I checked we were surrounded by a bunch of helpless gringos.”
She had a point - all the Spanish words Mom insisted we pick up in Phoenix were a complete waste here in Washington, and the Mexican food available around was worth even less.
“Wait, I thought Charlie packed you a lunch?”
She let out a little giggle. “Oh, Edward. He used to put lunchables and a soda in a paper bag but that got old, I guess, so now he just gives us lunch money.”
I frowned. “You shouldn’t be taking money from the Swans, Ali.” I frowned and resolved to stop by the ATM as soon as I could drive myself again. I knew I was a monstrous hypocrite, but still. Ali had been right this morning - the Cullens could afford a lot, a lot more than Charlie Swan could. Like, for example, an extra mouth to feed. “I’ll give you some money for lunches by next week, okay?”
I expected that to lighten her mood, for her to perk up and ‘ooooh!’ and run through a list of all the things that money could buy. Like clothes or makeup or chocolate; whatever it is that girls secretly want.
Instead, she wrapped her arms around her knees and pulled them to her chest, laying her cheek down on one knee to look at me. She looked so forlorn.
“Why do you have to change everything?”
“I’m not, I’m just trying to make it easier-”
“You are!” she insisted. “Everything’s going to be different. I’m in high school now and have to worry about money and you’re going to leave and everything’s changing.” She squeezed her eyes shut and whispered, “I’m changing.”
I mimicked her by laying my cheek on my good knee. “You’re still you, Teeny. You’re still the same brat sister that messes with my hair and makes fun of my car at every opportunity.” I grinned widely, hoping it’d catch on.
She pushed one hand up to swipe her long auburn hair over her shoulder. “No. I’ll never be the same.”
“Come on, Ali. That’s pretty-”
“No.” She cut me off with a stern voice I rarely heard from her. “Edward. You’re being dense. Things have changed.”
I lifted my head, eyeing her closely. “What things?”
For a moment I thought she wouldn’t answer, but then she pressed her forehead against her knees and told them, “Woman things.”
‘ … ’ went my brain. Oh man. Oh shit. I threw my arms around her, basically trying to block her view of the panic on my face.
“Edward, you don’t have to freak out just ‘cause I got my period.”
I winced at the word.
I loosened my arms so she could rearrange herself. “Shut up,” I whispered softly in her ear. “If Mom were here she’d hug you, but she’s not, so I get to do it, okay?”
I felt her nod and hug back.
“I just feel like I’m supposed to be different now. Mom always said ‘When you’re a big girl we’ll talk about this’ and ‘When you’re older we’ll talk about that.’ Now I’m wondering if there’s some easy way to do this that she just never got to tell me.”
I nodded sympathetically, but obviously didn’t have any insight for her. I asked her polite questions: when it had happened, how she was feeling, if she needed anything. Eventually she shushed me, amused. “Just stop, Teddy. You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I gave her a pointed look. Was I supposed to know any of this? That’s what moms are for…
“But,” she looked away, staring instead at the concrete between us, “thanks for listening.”
“Of course.”
It occurred to me, in a flash of potential, that Ali would listen to what had happened to me this weekend too.
I mean, not what happened. Not what I did. As far as I was concerned, spurting to the thought of Jasper’s hands was something I would leave in the closet, along with all my other skeletons, forever.
But surely Ali wouldn’t judge me, right? I opened my mouth to bring it up, but couldn’t think of where to start. She raised an eyebrow in question, but I just swallowed and shook my head. It was too soon, too confusing and uncertain. I wasn’t even sure what there was to say that didn’t include my erection. And I still thought, maybe, this would turn out to be some huge random coincidence.
Even if I had woken up hard the last two mornings.
Eventually Bella dragged herself away from the books and into the daylight and Jasper jogged up, all freshly showered. His thin white shirt clung to his body like his skin had still been wet when he pulled it on, and it highlighted his broad chest and his-
Why would I care if his nipples are hard? So what?
Ali filled Bella in on the drama debacle in the midst of one giant hug while Jasper joked about Coach Clapp’s ability to lecture thin air, and then we all wandered towards the car. Jasper drove again and dropped the girls off first, but stopped by my house to pick up fresh clothes. I grabbed my crutches before maneuvering myself out of the car.
“I’ll just be a minute.”
He rolled his eyes, already standing in the street and shutting his own door. “Like you could even lug your stuff up the steps.”
He had a point, so I let him drag my bag out of the trunk and into my room, where I grabbed some fresh clothes. I had left the dirty ones at Jasper’s, because if I brought them home they’d probably be neglected until they grew a colony of sentient mold and slithered away.
“You know,” he reasoned, hoisting the now-heavy bag onto his shoulder, “you should probably just have a drawer in my room.”
A drawer? I had been sleeping at his place for years, why did I suddenly need a drawer? Drawers were for girlfriends. Why was I suddenly deserving of a drawer? The idea of it appealed to me in a very frightening way. I could see myself, rolling out of Jasper’s bed all sleepy and disheveled and sauntering over to his dresser like it was the most natural thing in the world.
That image unnerved me though, and I shook my head. “That’s alright. Things are fine the way they are.”
He took a step back, and his eyebrows shifted towards each other. “Oh,” was all he said, before turning to head for the front door. I followed him but as he held the front door open expectantly, I paused.
“Do you, um, could I have a minute?”
His eyes flickered toward the living room where our most prized photo adorned the fireplace. With a silent nod, he stepped outside and closed the door soundlessly.
I sat gingerly on the coffee table, laying my crutches beside me and taking a deep breath before gazing up at the fireplace.
“Hi Mom,” I said softly. This was an old tradition by now, our one-sided conversation of fragmented sentences and wishes. When I was a kid, she’d sit and listen and swipe the tangled hair off my forehead, and when I was finally out of words she’d tell me she loved me and that it would all be alright. And I believed her. It got so that just telling her my fears and worries would make them better, because she always promised it’d be okay. In the more recent years, I always felt that it was easiest to think under her supportive gaze.
I thought about what I most wanted to say. It wasn’t that I spoke to Mom, exactly, but more that I thought really loudly.
I miss you, I thought. So much. You really should have been here today.
I thought about what had happened to Ali, and how she had to turn to her clueless older brother for help. It obviously bothered her - she was confused and uncomfortable, but I sure as hell didn’t have the answers. I thought about how she and Bella had called Renee but, surprise, she was nowhere to be found.
I ran a hand through my unruly hair.
You’re supposed to be here.
The fact that she wasn’t bothered me and I started to get angry, at life and my helplessness and the injustice of it all. I let my hand fall over my eyes, focusing only on deep breathing for a minute before I looked up at the photo again. Mom’s visage watched over me, soft and soothing with her blue dress and jungle green, knowing eyes. She had been looking directly into the camera when this particular photo was taken, and it felt like I could make eye contact with her from my seat on the coffee table. Our matching family eyes focused on each other’s, and it felt like she was actually listening. So I confided in her like I couldn’t in anyone else.
And I’m confused too, Mom. Jasper’s always been wonderful but suddenly he feels… more wonderful. I didn’t know how to explain it, even to someone who wasn’t there. He was so good to me, and I didn’t have to worry so much when he was around, because I felt like at least I knew I’d done one thing right.
I took another deep breath and took in the slight quirk of my mother’s smile, like she knew how this would all end. If only she could tell me. I know you’d always love me anyway, I told her, no matter who I like. I’m not saying I do like him, I’m just saying, you know. I just wish you were here to tell me it’ll be okay.
“I hate that you’re gone,” I whispered, finally dragging my eyes to the floor, where I stared at my ratty shoelaces. I could feel my chest getting tight, but I couldn’t deny the relief it felt to say that aloud, even to an empty room. I hated her absence more than anything.
I thought about all the other things I hated - the sun, first and foremost. I hated the soccer games and swimming lessons that had dragged her out under the harsh UV rays of Phoenix. I hated Forks, even though there was barely any sunlight, for the months of hospice care we’d all held our breaths through. I hated the word cancer.
I hated the responsibility of raising a fourteen year old girl, and I hated that I had no one to say Edward, relax, just be a kid a little while longer.
Damnit, I loved Ali, more than anything, but the weight of being her anchor and compass could be crushing sometimes.
The only thing that came easily in my life was, well, he was waiting for me in the car.
I looked at my own pasty white arms to find that they were blurry. Hurriedly, I wiped my eyes and gathered my crutches.
“Feel better?” Jasper asked after a few minutes of silence in the car.
I nodded. I really did.
By the time we reached his house, I had made up my mind. Jasper, considerate as ever, was pulling my duffel through the front door, and was surprised when I veered off towards the sound of Esme in the kitchen.
“What’s up, man?”
I looked back over my shoulder, feigning an ease I didn’t feel. “I just gotta ask your mom something real quick. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I stood awkwardly in the kitchen waiting for Esme to notice me over the sound of her clanging pans and humming.
“Uh, hi Esme.”
“Edward!” She spun around, startled and clutching a wooden spoon to her chest. When I didn’t say anything she prompted, “Do you need something?”
I did. I needed to ask her a question, but a million different possibilities swam through my thoughts. Where do you draw the line between friends and lovers? Would you hate me if I kissed your son? Would it be weird if Jasper gave me a drawer?
I couldn’t look her in the eye, so instead I stared at the grains of wood beneath my feet and mumbled out my query.
She placed the spoon on the counter before stepping closer. “Edward,” she said softly. I still couldn’t meet her eyes. “Edward, I can’t understand you if you mumble.”
Crap, I was going to have to say it louder. I cleared my throat and asked in a timid voice, “What should you do after a girl gets her period?”
“Oh!” Her posture stiffened as she took a step back. My eyes flashed up to hers, but she was looking around, away, anywhere but at me. “Edward, dear, isn’t this a conversation you’d rather have with Carlisle?”
“No!” I blurted out, a little too loudly. If Esme was surprised before, she was fucking bewildered now, and I couldn’t say I was faring any better. I squeezed my eyes shut and slapped a hand across them, begging my brain to get its thoughts in order. Rephrase, rephrase!
Finally, I looked up at her.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I knew what girls had to go through, technically. If nothing else, last year’s health class had hammered that point home. Um, so to speak.
“It’s just, okay, she’d kill me if she knew I told you, but Ali got her period. And she told me, ‘cause I’m the only person she can tell besides Bella. I know all girls go through this and she’ll figure it out eventually but I know there’s supposed to be some lecture, or something-.” I was really speed-talking now, dispelling the words from my mind so I didn’t have to think them anymore. Luckily Esme’s expression had turned to something indiscernible but distinctly maternal.
“Edward,” she interrupted me, a hand held up to get my attention. “First of all, breathe.”
I did, and thought of Jasper.
“Second, let’s sit.” We moved to sit across from each other at the family dinner table, and I leaned my crutches on the chair beside me. “Alright. Edward, women have been figuring this out for centuries, and there will be someone who knows what they’re doing to talk to her about all this. A woman,” she punctuated, as if it wasn’t clear.
I sighed. “I don’t think so. She comes to me for everything. Everything. And this was no exception. Bella’s mom is completely AWOL, and she just got so upset over how things are changing. I just want to know if I should get her a book or… something. Charlie Swan certainly won’t be any help.”
Esme actually chuckled at that. In fact, I think she let out a little snort. “No, certainly not.” She reached across the table, then, and gave my hand a little squeeze. “Edward, it’s truly touching how much you care for Alice.” Her eyes flicked to the direction of her children’s bedrooms. “And yes, she would probably benefit from some motherly advice. But there are some things you just won’t be able to do for her.”
I sighed again, and deflated in my seat. “I know.”
“I’ll have to talk to her.”
“Seriously?”
She smiled tenderly. “Absolutely. She’s so young. I’ll bring it up next time I see her.”
I swear I would have hugged her if there wasn’t a table between us. “Thanks Esme. Really.”
“I know, dear.” She patted my hand before standing. “Dinner’s in an hour. Tell Jas, would you?”
After we ate, Carlisle poked and prodded until he decided I could lose the crutches, saying that everything was healing nicely and the bruising was mostly superficial. I still limped around making a spectacle of myself until it was time for bed which, I admit, I was both looking forward to and nervous about.
On one hand, my brief elation over interacting with Jasper boner-free had dissipated sometime around lunch when he threw his arms over his head and stretched, revealing both the cut of his pecs and warm tan of his stomach. My brain went don’t look! but my dick went sproing!
So of course I had to excuse myself, citing some last minute homework to do.
I knew I had been running hot and cold all weekend. I felt caught between enjoying the tingles up the back of my neck - among other places - when his vulnerable and affectionate gaze fell to me, and the absolute fear of being caught at full-mast with no explanation but the strong curve of his jaw. What would he think? What would he say? Jasper was one of the most loving and sympathetic people I knew; all the small kindnesses that made me hard could just be exactly that - acts of kindness, of friendship. What if I was misinterpreting all his signals, and admitting my reaction would squander the only good friendship I had? It had been taking me longer and longer to walk away each time, though, and I feared that eventually the desire to nuzzle my dick up against his thigh would overpower me. That was why I had to keep my distance.
On the other hand, he just smelled so fucking good. I confirmed this when I crawled into his bed that night, against my better judgment, and inhaled deeply. Jasper was warmth and cinnamon and grass and summer and all things easy and right. Fuck. How was I supposed to stay away from this?
I wasn’t even half asleep before I started getting hard. Knowing he was right beside me in only boxers, the tension and fear and arousal began to wreak havoc on my teenage body. Christ, my dick was so insistent, it was practically a medical condition. I wondered idly if there was a support group for this kind of thing. Hard-ons for Cullens, and I was its only member.
Well, except for Emmett. The thought kinda weirded me out, but also made me snicker to myself, thinking that we finally had something in common. Plus, there was every other guy at school that would drool over Rosalie just so she could stare at her own reflection in the puddles at their feet.
Okay, so it wasn’t just me. Clearly this Cullen family had some sexy motherfucking pheromones, and no one else in Forks could blame me if I was powerless against them.
My dreams were vivid and X-rated, with Jasper slipping off his track shorts in the showers at school. We were alone, and when he turned to me I could see his straining cock, eager and weeping, just like my
Morning wood!
“God damnit damnit damnit,” I muttered to myself. Damnit damnit damnit.
I quickly rolled over, out of the dip in the middle of the bed that somehow both Jasper and I were curled into, and lurched to the bathroom.
I heard a groggy, “What’s up? You okay?”
“Fine!” I slammed the door a little harder than intended.
There I go with the mixed signals again. Jasper probably thought I had a personality disorder by this point, but the boner thing was really getting out of hand.
I started up the shower and quickly climbed in for an angry wank session. It’s embarrassing how quickly I came all over the slick green shower wall. The mess I made then clumped all over my hand when I had to wipe it off, ‘cause that shit is sticky. I stomped around the house all morning, forcing Jasper to dodge me and my hostility.
Jessica cornered us outside first period and tried to commiserate over our loss and my injury at La Push, since she’d been absent on Monday. I couldn’t even fake giving a shit, so Jasper did all the talking.
After school I was still less-than-stellar company, so we opted to watch an episode of Heroes that Esme had recorded. I tried to concentrate, but was distracted by the desire to lay my head on Jasper’s shoulder. As soft as it wasn’t, I definitely wanted a reminder of how good he smelled.
That was alarming in and of itself, because I didn’t have a piece of anatomy to blame it on. It struck me, then, and I nearly groaned for being so oblivious. This was my best friend; the center of my slowly-turning universe, other than my family, since our very first sleepover. I thought I was just hormonally repressed but now I wanted to, what? Snuggle?
My mind flipped through the index of memories: leaning into Jasper when he tied on my bandage, throwing my arms around him when I’d fallen on the track, the way I ended up nestled against him every morning in his bed. I just wanted to be close to Jasper.
And now I knew why. The images in my head blurred and morphed, like water colors dripping down a canvas, only to create brighter, revised pictures. I could hear what Jasper would have whispered on the track, about how he’d take me home and wrap his arms around me and make it better. I could see him kneeling with my bandage, but then skimming his fingertips over my knee and thigh, across my hips and chest, until he reached my neck to pull me in for a soft kiss. I couldn’t believe I was thinking about kissing Jasper!
God, the things we could have been up to waking up in his bed every morning. I was sure Jasper would make a truly considerate lover.
Oh my god. Lover.
“You alright, man? We don’t have to watch this. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
His breath across my ear made me shiver, but I nodded. I had seen a ghost. The ghost of what might have been.
The ghost of what could be?
I couldn’t concentrate for shit after that, ignoring my homework completely, and was grateful when Esme called us for dinner.
“So, Edward, have you made any plans for your birthday?” she asked.
I startled. “Uh, no? I usually just spend the day with family.”
When I immediately realized that, no, I usually spent it with Jasper’s family, I coughed loudly. I clearly considered the Cullens as surrogates for the cohesive family I no longer had.
“I mean, and you guys.”
“What, no party?” Carlisle joked. “You only turn eighteen once.”
“You’re even welcome to have it here, dear.”
If Rosalie’s usual expression was shooting daggers at me over dinner, she had upgraded to hand grenades. The dreams of her sweet-sixteen party had been squandered when Esme vetoed half the guest list.
“Honestly, I don’t really want a party. Can’t I just hang out here?”
“Don’t worry, man. We’ll just chill.”
That sounded like a better alternative to filling Jasper’s house with people I didn’t even know that well.
“You won’t be too upset though, will you, Edward, if I make a cake anyway?”
I smiled a little at my plate, avoiding eye contact all around. “I’d like that,” I said quietly. “Coconut?”
After dinner, I quickly excused myself to Jasper’s room and spent several hours trying to pick out colleges to apply to. The quiet did me good, and I found myself breathing a sigh of - well, if not relief, then at least understanding. I was still anxious as hell, but at least my thoughts were clear. I liked Jasper. I like-liked Jasper. I wanted Jasper. The uncertainty that represented was ridiculously scary, but at least I didn’t feel like an unwelcome house guest in my own head anymore.
“Knock-knock,” Jasper murmured, sitting on the bed next to me. “You in there?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
He paused, troubling his full lower lip with his teeth unconsciously. I wanted him to let me do that instead.
“Look,” he started with a gust of breath. “I don’t know if I did something or… or what. I mean, if I did, I’m sorry.” I closed the laptop and turned to face him fully. He squinted at me, like if he could just focus he’d be able to tell what I was feeling. “Are you mad at me?”
I shook my head, unsure of exactly what I should say. I mean, I couldn’t exactly explain my behavior, not to him. Not out loud.
“It’s just, you seem so angry. Or distant, or both. I know there’s something churning in your head, but you won’t talk to me, man. So I started to think, maybe it’s something about me…”
It is you. Apparently, it’s always been you.
I wanted to reassure him, to rub the tension from his shoulders and promise him I could never be mad at him. I reached for his hand, but caught myself in time. Instead, pushed myself to a sitting position, and found myself merely inches from his glorious, distraught face. The proximity made my skin tingle and my face flush. His eyes were so wide, I wondered what it’d be like to swim in water that blue.
“It’s not you. Honest. I’m not angry at you.” I swallowed hard, and ended on a whisper. “You’re perfect.” He blinked numbly, still confused, and I thought back on Ali’s words. “Things are changing.”
“In a good way?” He ceased any and all movements, like my next words would decide if he had the strength to keep sitting beside me or would crumble to dust on the comforter.
Again, I wanted to wrap my fingers around his own and tell him not to worry, because I would never let go. I wanted to nibble his pink bottom lip until he had no choice but to latch onto mine. I wanted to push him back into the pillows and show him exactly how much things had changed.
Instead, I opened my mouth to answer. “I think s-”
“Knock knock, bitches!” The screeching voice startled me, and I jerked myself away from Jasper. I felt guilty and ashamed, and didn’t know why. His bedroom door immediately swung open to reveal the Empress of Bitchdom and Push-up Bras, Rosalie.
She looked back and forth between us, curling her top lip in disdain. “Jeez. What are you guys doing?”
“Nothing!” Jasper demanded hastily. “Wasn’t it locked?”
“Whatever.” She waved him off with a flip of her hair before turning her eyes on me. “Can you, like, shoo?”
I rolled my eyes toward Jasper but, for once, he seemed too unnerved to stand up to her. I rolled my eyes again and dragged myself over to his bathroom.
I flipped on the tap, intent on splashing some cold water on my face. What the fuck was that? Had I, in my attempts not to humiliate myself in front of Jasper, completely missed that I’d left him feeling ignored and rejected? How could he even think that? I had been one subtle lean away from placing my lips on his, feeling the intake of his breaths as his chest pushed against mine. Now that I knew what I wanted, nothing else could completely overwrite those thoughts.
What could I tell him? Not the truth - not this soon. I had only known I liked him for a day, well, two days. Thinking back… maybe it was really a week and a half, or - Jesus - how long had I wanted this? How long ago had I attached myself to Jasper just in the hopes of having something more?
If only I could talk to him about it. Slowly bring it up, or return his well-meaning caresses and spot his reaction. Would he, could he respond the same way to me as I had to him?
I flicked the tap off as I moved to wipe my face on a towel. As soon as I did, Rosalie’s voice rang clearly through the closed door.
“I don’t get it, Jas. What’s the appeal? He’s weaseled his way so far into our family, Mom’s baking him a fucking cake?”
I should have stopped listening, obviously, or even turned the water back on for another few minutes, but Rosalie’s string of daily tirades was getting a bit old, and I wanted to hear him shut her down. Besides, I myself had always wondered what he thought about having a live-in best friend.
He started with the obvious. “He’s my best friend, Rose.”
There was silence for a moment, and I wished I could see their faces, or hear their thoughts.
Finally, Rosalie answered with a scoff. “Yeah? And that’s all?”
My chest constricted. What had she seen? Or heard? What had I let slip? Damnit, I had worked so hard to hide this from Jasper, but if Rosalie had noticed…
“He fucking worships the ground you walk on. He’s your biggest fan, like a loyal rescue puppy.”
I was both relieved and pissed off at the same time. She didn’t think I was gay - she thought I was his personal cheerleader, the loser that Jasper let hang around out of pity.
“Rose, when are you going to learn to shut up about things you know nothing about?”
She sounded exasperated. “When you admit this isn’t normal! His entire life is built around you.”
“Shut up!” he hissed. “Not so loud, okay? It doesn’t bother me.”
Doesn’t bother him?
“Look, the way things are with Edward and me, I like it this way.”
I was through the doorway and into the room before I even had a chance to think, heedless of my healing knee.
“Like it what way?”
Rosalie screeched, “You eavesdropping little shit!” but Jasper just paled and choked out my name in surprise.
“You like it what way?” I repeated.
“You-” he swallowed hard, “you heard?”
My phone started to ring in my pocket, but I ignored it. “Jasper, she’s full of shit. Tell her I’m not just some charity case you brought home.”
“Are you kidding,” Rosalie interjected. “You should have seen yourself when you moved here. Jasper let you sleep over ‘cause you looked like you were going to fucking cry if he didn’t.”
I was having trouble keeping my breathing even. I looked to him, stunned, and my throat felt stuck. “That’s not true. Right?”
He stepped towards me, his hands open and outstretched. “Edward. Rose just doesn’t understand. You’re still my best friend.”
Oh my god. That wasn’t a no - I couldn’t even believe how much that wasn’t a no.
He was supposed to defend me. Why wasn’t he defending me?
“But why, Jasper? ‘Cause you felt bad for me?”
He didn’t answer, and instead looked at his feet with a thick swallow. Even without words, the way his expression dripped guilt told me I had just heard something I was never supposed to know. If Rosalie had made that story up he would have just called her on it. Obviously, she had hit on something true and I wasn’t sure I could stomach any more of her memories.
“Rose,” he ground out, still not tearing his gaze from me. “Would you fuck off already?”
Her and her black cloud of distrust oozed out of Jasper’s room as she commented, “No wonder he never asked you to leave, if you’d act like this.”
This boy, he was supposed to be my best friend. He was the best thing I’d found. I had even - oh god! I had touched myself, thinking of him!
“Jasper, please. Tell me you don’t pity me.”
I really was starting to feel sick, especially as it dawned on me that it was probably all true. Hadn’t I just realized that every day of my life was based around Jasper Cullen? Hadn’t I attached myself years ago with no hope of being shaken loose? And all because I wanted more, whether I had known it then or not.
My phone shrilled insistently again, and before I could subject myself to his answer I pulled it from my pocket and flipped it open.
“What?” I demanded.
Silence.
I turned my back to Jasper as I pulled the phone from my ear to actually look at the screen.
It flashed ‘Alice 0:10’, counting the seconds of our mute conversation. I put the phone back to my ear and asked, more gently this time, “Alice, are you there?”
More silence followed, and I was about to hang up thinking it was an accidental call. The clock above the desk told me it was nearly midnight. As I moved the phone away again I heard a little gasping sound. I pressed the receiver to one ear and plugged the other with my finger.
Sure enough, there was a faint and choppy sniffling noise.
“Ali? Are you okay? Can you hear me?”
A deep, wet cry cut roughly through the speaker, and the sound was unmistakable.
“Can you hear me, Ali? What’s wrong? Where are you?”
Her breathing went through a range of pitiful sounds, and I could tell that she was trying to gasp around the sobs to form words.
Jasper put his hand on my shoulder but I shook him off, turning even farther away. I didn’t know what was happening to Alice, but I was starting to panic and couldn’t deal with him.
“Where are you?” I demanded from the phone.
I heard a loud swallow, followed by the word, “Home.” Her voice sounded muffled and weak, like she had shrunk in size and was yelling for help, but couldn’t make her voice loud enough.
“I’m coming,” I promised. “I’ll be there. Don’t move. I’ll be right there.”
I hated to hang up on her, but I couldn’t drive as fast as I wanted and hold the phone at the same time.
“I’m leaving.”
“Is everything alright?” He sounded nervous, and I couldn’t bring myself to give a shit. I had bigger priorities at the moment.
“No. I’m going home to find Alice.”
"What's wrong?"
"I have no idea, but I have to go now." I grabbed my sweatshirt and car keys from the couch.
“Wait,” he said, finally springing into action, “I’ll drive.”
“Don’t bother.” I didn’t even spare him a glance.
“Edward, come on. I just-”
“No.” I planted my feet and made sure I looked him in the eye. “I don’t need your pity, or your help.”
He followed me into the hallway and to the front door, saying, “You shouldn’t even be driving.”
I ignored him.
“At least call to let me know you got there safe.”
I threw a hand up without turning around. “Fine. Whatever.”
Thirty seconds later, I was peeling out of the Cullen’s driveway, Jasper and my knee be damned.
Chapter 7