Give me the nail, I'll hammer it in myself
When will you stop martyring yourself?
Maybe it's because if you do it to yourself, you don't have to accept that you just aren't being loved by another person. You say it's enough because you're addicted to chronic disappointment. Outside of the very few exceptions, you think that this is what love looks like, the gut-wrenching, bitter starvation. There's nothing nourishing about love. It's just another way to strip yourself down and waste yourself away. Love is just another thing that breaks you, but you do it anyway no matter how much it hurts.
You love the way you are absolutely desperate to be loved. Hands pressed together and praying, but there's no conviction anymore. No one is going to answer. You're destined to pour and pour until you're an empty vessel.
He tells you it's not enough and you are stunned to realize it isn't. You're just fulfilling the orders which were burned into you. Fucking Stockholm syndrome, greedily taking every little scrap of affection and saying thank you, never asking why you're being starved in the first place. She chooses to touch you a couple times, and that makes it a good day. You've stopped asking for what you need. It's easier to just not. Better to sew your lips shut.
She'd curl up and die if the roles were reversed. This isn't care, it's abuse.
When you stopped eating everything seemed More. You, hunched in the corner of your filthy apartment where dinner was eating green beans out of the can and then digging your nails into your skin like you could tear it off.
She chooses to touch you, intentionally reaching over and putting her hand on your leg for 15 seconds, and that makes today better than the last four. She chooses to sit beside you in bed and it makes your week.
How sad for you.
She's playing the blame game and you're losing. It's not your fault, apparently, but you're still laying on the ground and letting her kick you anyway. What are a couple broken ribs when it already hurts to breathe. At least you're not dead. You'd pull back the hammer and hand her the gun if she said it would help.
You're so fucking tired.