Back from Seattle
I had a really nice 1+ day trip to Seattle and back. Marisa had gone up the day before to do a show Friday at Re-bar in Seattle, then I took Amtrak Cascades 500 Saturday morning to the King Street Station in Seattle and hung out with Marisa, Gene and Carolann at G & C's house in Shoreline.
It was wonderful to talk about our memories and philosophies. I learned, for instance, that my mom was embarassed that Sharon was taking ballet, so did not want that revealed to religiously staunch relatives (who believed that dancing was prohibited). Also, when Dad and I had the Y-Indian Guides group at our house on election night, November 1968, that Mom, Sharon and Carolann huddled in another room to watch the returns.
Seems that Mom basically became her own mom when dealing with Carolann and, possibly in a more relaxed sense, with Sharon. With all of us she wanted us to think for ourselves, yet with my sisters seemed to be more controlling. It was often a dual message. Mom actually held back on the controlling part with me but after I made my decision or did something she would then let me know it wasn't what she wanted. Forbidding an action before the action, I think, is worse than the "I told you so" approach, but neither really should have happened. If Mom had put her emphasis on support and not control or judgment, we would have all been better off.
For me it was not wonderful, but once I told mom off sometime in the 1990's I was freed from that aspect of her mothering and when I began to believe in myself and know myself...and when I started making better choices in my life.
For Carolann and Sharon possibly the wounds were too deep as the controlling and judgment continued.
I know that Mom was judging me even in 2000 or 2001 when there was a family reunion which she specifically did not tell me about...and a reunion I would have been glad to attend with her. I think she was embarrassed about me in front of her more religious family members.
It all makes sense now that I hear about how Mom reacted when Carolann wrote a letter to the editor of the Medford Mail Tribune in the 1970's after the CBS affiliate aired The Graduate. People had already written the paper about how terrible it was that the station would air the movie about young man having an affair with an older married woman and often brought religious objections to the table. Carolann's response was to criticise those with religious objections. People at the hospital where Mom worked (I think Rogue Valley Memorial Hospital at the time, before she became a pharmacy nurse at Providence) asked Mom about the letter, inferring that because it was so well written that it was written by Mom instead and were then wondering if Mom held those same "anti-Christian" beliefs. Rather than standing by Carolann with her co-workers she shrugged and said she didn't know anything about the letter (which was true) and then later she lashed out at Carolann for writing a letter which was personally embarassing to her.
When I learned about the reunion after the fact and asked Mom why she didn't tell me about it, she said she had called me but I didn't answer. I told her I was at home then and would have answered. "Then maybe I dialed the wrong number," she said. At best this is a lame excuse and worst it was a lie, but now I blame it on embarassment: her embarassment of me and her embarassment at being caught in a mistruth. Although I was bothered by this, it was water under the dam. Still, I felt I would just play along. I bought her a gift of a phone with really big buttons on it and a programmable call-list so she could always call me easily and always get the right number.
The next time she went up to meet family members she invited me and it was our last trip together and one of my special memories. I did not embarrass her.
Mom, was in some ways, two different people: one the independent woman trying to get away from her controlling mother and the male dominated religious farming community and the other woman, the mother, who was the matron of that same male dominated religious farming community. When she was the independent woman she let her children learn to think for themselves...and that was easier to do with me than with my sisters. But with my sisters it was a relationship too much like that between her and her own Mom, so she pretty much became her own mom.
So, anyway, Carolann and I talked about such things this weekend. We also talked about things such as hypocrisy, blind faith, fakery, media and more.
For dinner we went to a great vegetarian-only Thai restaurant called Wedgewood II in Seattle's Capitol Hill district. After that we saw the "Neil Gaiman" burlesque show at Re-Bar in Seattle. Marisa as "Loxie Arcane" did her act as the second in line in the first half. It was very well executed and the music was the right speed this time (Friday, for some reason, the CD was slowed down a tad which threw Marisa off). Marisa's costume and props were wonderful and she threw in some great moves.
Marisa and I drove back down together in her car. I drove out of Shoreline all the way to the Maytown rest area, then Marisa took over all the way back home from there.
It was wonderful to talk about our memories and philosophies. I learned, for instance, that my mom was embarassed that Sharon was taking ballet, so did not want that revealed to religiously staunch relatives (who believed that dancing was prohibited). Also, when Dad and I had the Y-Indian Guides group at our house on election night, November 1968, that Mom, Sharon and Carolann huddled in another room to watch the returns.
Seems that Mom basically became her own mom when dealing with Carolann and, possibly in a more relaxed sense, with Sharon. With all of us she wanted us to think for ourselves, yet with my sisters seemed to be more controlling. It was often a dual message. Mom actually held back on the controlling part with me but after I made my decision or did something she would then let me know it wasn't what she wanted. Forbidding an action before the action, I think, is worse than the "I told you so" approach, but neither really should have happened. If Mom had put her emphasis on support and not control or judgment, we would have all been better off.
For me it was not wonderful, but once I told mom off sometime in the 1990's I was freed from that aspect of her mothering and when I began to believe in myself and know myself...and when I started making better choices in my life.
For Carolann and Sharon possibly the wounds were too deep as the controlling and judgment continued.
I know that Mom was judging me even in 2000 or 2001 when there was a family reunion which she specifically did not tell me about...and a reunion I would have been glad to attend with her. I think she was embarrassed about me in front of her more religious family members.
It all makes sense now that I hear about how Mom reacted when Carolann wrote a letter to the editor of the Medford Mail Tribune in the 1970's after the CBS affiliate aired The Graduate. People had already written the paper about how terrible it was that the station would air the movie about young man having an affair with an older married woman and often brought religious objections to the table. Carolann's response was to criticise those with religious objections. People at the hospital where Mom worked (I think Rogue Valley Memorial Hospital at the time, before she became a pharmacy nurse at Providence) asked Mom about the letter, inferring that because it was so well written that it was written by Mom instead and were then wondering if Mom held those same "anti-Christian" beliefs. Rather than standing by Carolann with her co-workers she shrugged and said she didn't know anything about the letter (which was true) and then later she lashed out at Carolann for writing a letter which was personally embarassing to her.
When I learned about the reunion after the fact and asked Mom why she didn't tell me about it, she said she had called me but I didn't answer. I told her I was at home then and would have answered. "Then maybe I dialed the wrong number," she said. At best this is a lame excuse and worst it was a lie, but now I blame it on embarassment: her embarassment of me and her embarassment at being caught in a mistruth. Although I was bothered by this, it was water under the dam. Still, I felt I would just play along. I bought her a gift of a phone with really big buttons on it and a programmable call-list so she could always call me easily and always get the right number.
The next time she went up to meet family members she invited me and it was our last trip together and one of my special memories. I did not embarrass her.
Mom, was in some ways, two different people: one the independent woman trying to get away from her controlling mother and the male dominated religious farming community and the other woman, the mother, who was the matron of that same male dominated religious farming community. When she was the independent woman she let her children learn to think for themselves...and that was easier to do with me than with my sisters. But with my sisters it was a relationship too much like that between her and her own Mom, so she pretty much became her own mom.
So, anyway, Carolann and I talked about such things this weekend. We also talked about things such as hypocrisy, blind faith, fakery, media and more.
For dinner we went to a great vegetarian-only Thai restaurant called Wedgewood II in Seattle's Capitol Hill district. After that we saw the "Neil Gaiman" burlesque show at Re-Bar in Seattle. Marisa as "Loxie Arcane" did her act as the second in line in the first half. It was very well executed and the music was the right speed this time (Friday, for some reason, the CD was slowed down a tad which threw Marisa off). Marisa's costume and props were wonderful and she threw in some great moves.
Marisa and I drove back down together in her car. I drove out of Shoreline all the way to the Maytown rest area, then Marisa took over all the way back home from there.