sucky suck suck 5ux0rz
yeah... so I think I'm depressed right now. I mean. I don't know. I just suck at music. I don't really suck, but I'm not good enough to make it. I don't even know if it's that.
I just got done with a performance in my quintet. We had performed it before, in the trumpet departmental class and it was sooooo good. We were off a little tiny bit cause we slowed down, but it was so great compared to today.
Today was hell.
Today was dark.
Today was upsetting.
We performed this piece for Chamber music class. This was my chance... there are horn players in there that are in Wind Ensemble, and it was my chance to show them they were no better than me. Boy did I get it wrong. I didn't even play until the 20th measure or so and I totally screwed it up.
What really happened was that I was counting in my head and the trumpets slowed down and I didn't slow down in my head and I got off a beat. Then I realized I was off but I couldn't figure out how much, so I tried to come in where it sounded right but I totally blew it. The most challenging section of the piece and I blew it. I'm so ashamed. I know it wasn't totally my fault because the trumpets slowed down so much, but I can't blame them for something this bad.
So now I get to look back on the atrocity. and as I look back at this atrocity I realize how many other atrocities that I have committed with my horn. I've never had a Jury that I thought was amazing. I bombed at the Clive Miller Scholarship recietal. The horn quartet I was in wasn't that great when we performed for the Horn Choir. So Really I've only been satisfied with two performances in a solo or small ensemble setting. The first was when the horn quartet performed at a nursing home (and I can hardly count that because the people listening to us couldn't listen. Half of them were senile and the one women got up in the middle of the performance and tried to fix my hair while I was playing because an air conditioning vent was blowing on me.) The second was just a week ago when the quintet performed at the Trumpet departmental.
So take into account all of the solo/small ensemble work I've done and that comes to about 8. And I'm happy with 1 of those performances. that's a sad ratio 1:8
How in the world can I succeed in the world if I have a 1/8 success rate. People don't want that... they want a 1/1.000000000001 success rate or better.
I don't even know if I can work hard enough to get a 1/3 success rate much less a 1/1
I feel so worthless...
I want to take some sleeping pills so that I can escape without having to confront death.
Radiohead - No Surprises
A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silent silence.
This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.
Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.
No alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.
Radiohead - Exit Music (For a film)
Wake from your sleep,
the drying of your tears,
Today we escape, we escape.
Pack and get dressed
before your father hears us,
before all hell breaks loose.
Breathe, keep breathing,
don't lose your nerve.
Breathe, keep breathing,
I can't do this alone.
Sing us a song,
a song to keep us warm,
there's such a chill, such a chill.
And you can laugh a spineless laugh,
we hope your rules and wisdom choke you.
And now we are one
in everlasting peace,
we hope that you choke, that you choke,
we hope that you choke, that you choke,
we hope that you choke, that you choke.
I just got done with a performance in my quintet. We had performed it before, in the trumpet departmental class and it was sooooo good. We were off a little tiny bit cause we slowed down, but it was so great compared to today.
Today was hell.
Today was dark.
Today was upsetting.
We performed this piece for Chamber music class. This was my chance... there are horn players in there that are in Wind Ensemble, and it was my chance to show them they were no better than me. Boy did I get it wrong. I didn't even play until the 20th measure or so and I totally screwed it up.
What really happened was that I was counting in my head and the trumpets slowed down and I didn't slow down in my head and I got off a beat. Then I realized I was off but I couldn't figure out how much, so I tried to come in where it sounded right but I totally blew it. The most challenging section of the piece and I blew it. I'm so ashamed. I know it wasn't totally my fault because the trumpets slowed down so much, but I can't blame them for something this bad.
So now I get to look back on the atrocity. and as I look back at this atrocity I realize how many other atrocities that I have committed with my horn. I've never had a Jury that I thought was amazing. I bombed at the Clive Miller Scholarship recietal. The horn quartet I was in wasn't that great when we performed for the Horn Choir. So Really I've only been satisfied with two performances in a solo or small ensemble setting. The first was when the horn quartet performed at a nursing home (and I can hardly count that because the people listening to us couldn't listen. Half of them were senile and the one women got up in the middle of the performance and tried to fix my hair while I was playing because an air conditioning vent was blowing on me.) The second was just a week ago when the quintet performed at the Trumpet departmental.
So take into account all of the solo/small ensemble work I've done and that comes to about 8. And I'm happy with 1 of those performances. that's a sad ratio 1:8
How in the world can I succeed in the world if I have a 1/8 success rate. People don't want that... they want a 1/1.000000000001 success rate or better.
I don't even know if I can work hard enough to get a 1/3 success rate much less a 1/1
I feel so worthless...
I want to take some sleeping pills so that I can escape without having to confront death.
Radiohead - No Surprises
A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silent silence.
This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,
with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.
Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.
No alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.
Radiohead - Exit Music (For a film)
Wake from your sleep,
the drying of your tears,
Today we escape, we escape.
Pack and get dressed
before your father hears us,
before all hell breaks loose.
Breathe, keep breathing,
don't lose your nerve.
Breathe, keep breathing,
I can't do this alone.
Sing us a song,
a song to keep us warm,
there's such a chill, such a chill.
And you can laugh a spineless laugh,
we hope your rules and wisdom choke you.
And now we are one
in everlasting peace,
we hope that you choke, that you choke,
we hope that you choke, that you choke,
we hope that you choke, that you choke.