Nothingness
Just the normal thing everyone thinks about... kinda why are we on this
earth. But really... this is about death. Everyone contemplates it
right? Maybe not everyone fears it, but I guess I've come to realize I
do. I'm not afraid of dying, I don't have any fears of it being long
and painful or short and sweet, but what I do have fears of is the
nothingness that accompanies it. It makes me well... whatever you would
call the next step of depression after being depressed... that's what
it makes me feel. Such a deep, dark, nothing. It's because I don't
believe in God, or heaven. It's because I fear I won't leave anything
to cherish. It's because I fear leaving.
It seems to me there's no specific reason for living other than gratification, self or otherwise. You either strive to make yourself happy or to make someone else happy. So I have a fear of leaving a world of nothing but gratification. But where do I leave to... nothing. it's so dense I can't contemplate it. I hope for it to just be an eternal slumber filled with dreams. I know it won't be, which is why I start to feel that I shouldn't hope for anything. Death just sucks all my hopes and dreams out of me which is why I can feel so... utterly fucked? There's really nothing to describe it, in all reality I should just leave it trailing off.
Whee... I am not invincible.
I'm loosing hair I think.
I sometimes look at Julia sleeping and look very hard to see if she's breathing. Death scares me that much. I can't wake up next to someone that just 8 hours before was alive and just expect them to be alive. I just can't. But then again, maybe it has something to do with me thinking "there's no way anyone could comfortably sleep with their head like that... there must be something wrong. Julia is always saying I'm so pessimistic, I guess she's right. Correction: I know she's right.
It's a horrible thing too. I inherited it from my parents.. maybe my father mostly. How can I raise a child if all I can think about is that they're doing something wrong. How can I raise a child when I know that they will eventually end up contemplating death like this and realize there's no grand finale... in the end there's nothing to gain, and only everything to be lost, including yourself.
There was a great line on TV the other day.. I forget what show. "Why is it a man has his best party thrown for him the only time he could never attend" (i.e. funeral)
Funerals are filled with nothing but people with remorse that they didn't close doors, chapters, dark closets. In reality are they filled with love and respect, or remorse and self-loathing?
Scotch kills all pain.
Maybe I'm afraid that it's just lurking.. waiting for a proper moment to pounce and take me away. Death is indiscriminant right? Just comes as it pleases. The sandman comic book had a great line too.. it deals with Dream being a god... watching over the dream realm. His sister is Death. The sister says to Dream, " I envy you, every night they go into your world without hesitation. " or something to that effect. If death does come why resist it? it'll only piss her off.
We are in the end, bags of carbon formed into organs, bones, skin... so what makes us human? I wonder if animals fear death in the same way. Maybe they do even moreso... they're worried about it every second if they're prey. Sometimes they shit and piss just so they can run faster. That's fear for you.. when you start to piss and shit so you can run faster, that's fucking fear.
Oddly enough... that's exactly what you do when you die. your muscels all relax... and anything that was inside is now outside... and you are lighter, so run like the wind!
The only thing I've worked out in my head now is that logically... you don't know true fear until you are already dead, so I can't fear death because I don't know what fear is.
It seems to me there's no specific reason for living other than gratification, self or otherwise. You either strive to make yourself happy or to make someone else happy. So I have a fear of leaving a world of nothing but gratification. But where do I leave to... nothing. it's so dense I can't contemplate it. I hope for it to just be an eternal slumber filled with dreams. I know it won't be, which is why I start to feel that I shouldn't hope for anything. Death just sucks all my hopes and dreams out of me which is why I can feel so... utterly fucked? There's really nothing to describe it, in all reality I should just leave it trailing off.
Whee... I am not invincible.
I'm loosing hair I think.
I sometimes look at Julia sleeping and look very hard to see if she's breathing. Death scares me that much. I can't wake up next to someone that just 8 hours before was alive and just expect them to be alive. I just can't. But then again, maybe it has something to do with me thinking "there's no way anyone could comfortably sleep with their head like that... there must be something wrong. Julia is always saying I'm so pessimistic, I guess she's right. Correction: I know she's right.
It's a horrible thing too. I inherited it from my parents.. maybe my father mostly. How can I raise a child if all I can think about is that they're doing something wrong. How can I raise a child when I know that they will eventually end up contemplating death like this and realize there's no grand finale... in the end there's nothing to gain, and only everything to be lost, including yourself.
There was a great line on TV the other day.. I forget what show. "Why is it a man has his best party thrown for him the only time he could never attend" (i.e. funeral)
Funerals are filled with nothing but people with remorse that they didn't close doors, chapters, dark closets. In reality are they filled with love and respect, or remorse and self-loathing?
Scotch kills all pain.
Maybe I'm afraid that it's just lurking.. waiting for a proper moment to pounce and take me away. Death is indiscriminant right? Just comes as it pleases. The sandman comic book had a great line too.. it deals with Dream being a god... watching over the dream realm. His sister is Death. The sister says to Dream, " I envy you, every night they go into your world without hesitation. " or something to that effect. If death does come why resist it? it'll only piss her off.
We are in the end, bags of carbon formed into organs, bones, skin... so what makes us human? I wonder if animals fear death in the same way. Maybe they do even moreso... they're worried about it every second if they're prey. Sometimes they shit and piss just so they can run faster. That's fear for you.. when you start to piss and shit so you can run faster, that's fucking fear.
Oddly enough... that's exactly what you do when you die. your muscels all relax... and anything that was inside is now outside... and you are lighter, so run like the wind!
The only thing I've worked out in my head now is that logically... you don't know true fear until you are already dead, so I can't fear death because I don't know what fear is.