Guess who's going to Warped Tour..!
Yes, that would be *..how the hell do you spell mwa?* ME!!! Ah I am so excited.. =D
The last few days have been normal.. not bad at all. Our 8th official/9th unofficial month anniversary was on the 22nd, and we went to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Wow, I cried during the whole damn thing. It was so good. I could definitely go see it again, and probably cry just as much. It really made me miss having close girl friends though.. like.. reaaally made me miss it. I guess ya win some and ya lose some. Saturday is Arica's BBQ woohoo! That should be fun, everyone's going and there's gunna be food.. mmm. I think on Saturday morning my mom and I are going to drive to Dublin to check out the BART station and stuff so it's not completely new to me for next Saturday. I'M MEETING NESSA AT WARPED! It was fate man.. I wasn't even going to go to the concert because I had convinced myself to be fine with not spending the $89.60 and just spending my last day here with Brandon, and then Nessa tells me shes going to be there, and it was like O.O I HAVE TO GO! I had wanted to go really bad anyways, but I sort of shoved that out of my head because I didn't want to be bummed out.. but now I'm happy. I'm gunna be so beyond broke after this though.. I'm wiping out my savings account.. bleh. It will be worth it though. It better be damnit. Speaking of damnit, why the hell is nobody online tonight, eh?! =/
Let's see.. what else can I throw down.. Maybe I'll make one of those really long, thoughtful posts that nobody reads because they just drag on and on forever and don't have much to do with anything. Maybe not.
I cannot believe how fast summer is already going by. Seriously.. it makes me so sad. I'm going to be a fucking SENIOR in 2 months.. I got the little notice about senior pictures already. Heh. Stupid time.. way to kick my ass.. I don't want to be older! Not yet. Things are just gunna suck after school starts back up and I have to realize that it'll be my final year of Easy. I'll have to get a stupid job that I probably won't like very much at all, there'll be pressure from everyone about 'apply to college NOW' and 'you better figure out what you're going to do the rest of your life!' I don't want to start my whole life. I don't want to go to college for things I know I'll hate doing.. it's pointless and too expensive to waste. The only problem is, I know that after about 5-10 years of doing something that I actually enjoy, I'll hit that point in my life where I want to start a family or get a house and get married, and the money I make doing the job I love just won't cut it. Then all I'll hear is shit like "I told you, should've gone to college.. but oh no, you thought you knew everything.. had to do something you wanted, but now you realize it's not what you need.' There's already been enough screw-ups in my family, all I need is for myself to turn into something less than perfect and super successful; then they can bitch to me just like they bitched to everyone else. My stepsister was a hair stylist, she loved it. She got pregnant, married an asshole, and ruined her life for 3 years. She lived poor and begged her mom for money every month to cover rent. My stepmom and dad now assume that, of course, I will put myself in this same situation. What makes it worse is that I want to be a beautician, just like she did. They can't just let me learn for myself and experience what will happen in my life, no way. They have to tell me that I should really just look into a more stable career and go to a regular college. Because it would be much better for me, even if I don't think so at this point in time.
Isn't it funny how people change on you? Both sets of parents have done that to me recently. My dad and stepmom always said that I needed to follow my dreams, yet when my dreams were to go to beauty school, it would be far better to dream about something else. My mom always said that she would be there for me through everything, no matter what it was or how bad it got. What happens when I ask her to get me on birth control? Absolutely nothing. She avoids it and wont consider it. What happens after that? I start having sex and fear monthly that I could be pregnant. Months later I ask again, only to get the same response. I get my license and drive to the clinic myself to get on birth control, and get caught because it took 3 hours longer than expected. See this wouldn't have been a problem at all if she had been at work, which is why I wasn't worried.. But no, this had to occur on the day that she lost her job. She was home by 1pm. When I get the chance to explain myself, she flips out and doesn't know what to do. She thinks that what I've done is wrong, and she disagrees with it. Does she support my decision to be safe about it? Nope. It's just so wrong. I can't even talk to her about things that she said she would be there to talk to about.. and when I was watching the part of Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants where Bridget loses her virginity and doesn't have her mother there to talk to because her mother committed suicide, it made me so sad, not just because her mother died and she was alone, but also because I can't even talk to my mom about that stuff and she's alive and well. Yeah that would seem weird that I wanted to be able to talk to my mom about that, but we used to have a really open relationship.. until I asked about birth control. Instead of being able to vent and let out the feelings I felt, I had to keep a lot of it to myself and just try deal with it alone. I always thought that I would be able to tell her things.. and now, the most I tell her about my personal life is where I'm going and when I'll be back. There's never even time to talk about my day with her anymore. I think she started smoking again, but I'm not sure. I'm not around enough to be certain, and when I am, nobody else is home. They all have their schedules- Work/school and then going to the gym for 2 hours.. then by the time they get back, it's time to sleep. Nobody's even awake when I come home at 10 to help me open the gate. It bothers me to think that as I get older, I'll just get lonelier in the aspect of being with family. I guess thats just how it goes though.
My dad and step mom think I should work the whole time I'm in Alaska. That wouldn't be as horrible as I'm making it seem, if the place they wanted me to work wasn't the fish canary. First of all, I've hated fish forever. Caaan't stand them. They stink, they're slimey, and just ew. And then, they actually think that I would stand on my feet literally all day cleaning fish, for minimum wage? No thanks, I'll just be poor. And besides, isn't the point of me coming there to be with them and see them since they never come to visit me? They take all their fancy little vacations to Hawaii and Vegas, but even when they're on business trips less than 200 miles away from me, they don't bother coming down.. and they think that for the three weeks I'm there, in fact, to see them, that I would actually go to work for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, cleaning fucking fish. HA! Isn't that nice? Oh wait no, it's not nice, its fucked up. *Sigh* I don't know. I reaally don't. Just thinking about how they can say that to me pisses me off so bad.. I could scream. "Yeah, come see me and leave your boyfriend for three weeks, that way you can work at a fish canary all day, every day. It'll be grand. Can't wait to see ya!" The nerve.. a;fdljea.
I still miss my hair.. a lot. I should be over it by now but I'm not. Then, as if missing it's length wasn't enough to get me slightly bummed, I went to my colorist to see if she could rid me of this funky-ass red/bleached out/black/orange color.. and she said no. -_- So now, I've got hideous roots of my natural color, roots of the bleached out part, and then the darker color that the bleach didn't completely bleach out, with bright fuckin red on the underneath part. She said grow it out all summer and come back right before school starts. I'm so excited! I get to look like a fuckin retard aaalll summer. That'll be wonderful. I wish I never would have tried to be different. At least I achieved that goal, because now nobody has as shitty hair as I do! Folks, I am truly unique now. Oh yeah, and I have to take senior pictures before September or something, so when she tries to make the color manageable and it looks like shit, I can always remember it. Bleh.
I haven't been able to complain to anyone about these things. Brandon isn't much of a serious conversation type.. because he thinks that when it's serious, it means I'm mad at him and he gets all sad and tries to make it better. It's cute when I actually am mad I guess.. sometimes.. but when I just want to talk about something not so stupid, I don't even feel like I can. I think if there was one thing I could add to him, that's what it would be. It almost makes me think about things like whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can't be my whole self with.. because if you can't do that, what's the point? Thinking about that leads to thinking about how long I'm in this for. I make myself want it to be for as long as possible.. but is that what I really do want? Some days yes, and some days not so much.. I am only 17, with my whole life ahead of me...but is that just my parents and grandparents talking? I know that I do love him, otherwise it would not have gotten this far.. and every relationship takes work.. but I don't know what to think. I would never give up what I have for something less and unmeaningful, so I'll probably never meet someone who I might possibly be more compatible with.. Am I wasting what should be my years of really finding things out about myself, just to settle for who I think I am right now and be with someone that is who I think I will love forever? Life is so difficult. I shouldn't stay up late thinking about this stuff because when I do, I always come to the same horrible conclusions. I don't even want to type the conclusions because I will regret it when I am fully rested and have seen him. Heh. I wish things weren't so weird.
The last few days have been normal.. not bad at all. Our 8th official/9th unofficial month anniversary was on the 22nd, and we went to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Wow, I cried during the whole damn thing. It was so good. I could definitely go see it again, and probably cry just as much. It really made me miss having close girl friends though.. like.. reaaally made me miss it. I guess ya win some and ya lose some. Saturday is Arica's BBQ woohoo! That should be fun, everyone's going and there's gunna be food.. mmm. I think on Saturday morning my mom and I are going to drive to Dublin to check out the BART station and stuff so it's not completely new to me for next Saturday. I'M MEETING NESSA AT WARPED! It was fate man.. I wasn't even going to go to the concert because I had convinced myself to be fine with not spending the $89.60 and just spending my last day here with Brandon, and then Nessa tells me shes going to be there, and it was like O.O I HAVE TO GO! I had wanted to go really bad anyways, but I sort of shoved that out of my head because I didn't want to be bummed out.. but now I'm happy. I'm gunna be so beyond broke after this though.. I'm wiping out my savings account.. bleh. It will be worth it though. It better be damnit. Speaking of damnit, why the hell is nobody online tonight, eh?! =/
Let's see.. what else can I throw down.. Maybe I'll make one of those really long, thoughtful posts that nobody reads because they just drag on and on forever and don't have much to do with anything. Maybe not.
I cannot believe how fast summer is already going by. Seriously.. it makes me so sad. I'm going to be a fucking SENIOR in 2 months.. I got the little notice about senior pictures already. Heh. Stupid time.. way to kick my ass.. I don't want to be older! Not yet. Things are just gunna suck after school starts back up and I have to realize that it'll be my final year of Easy. I'll have to get a stupid job that I probably won't like very much at all, there'll be pressure from everyone about 'apply to college NOW' and 'you better figure out what you're going to do the rest of your life!' I don't want to start my whole life. I don't want to go to college for things I know I'll hate doing.. it's pointless and too expensive to waste. The only problem is, I know that after about 5-10 years of doing something that I actually enjoy, I'll hit that point in my life where I want to start a family or get a house and get married, and the money I make doing the job I love just won't cut it. Then all I'll hear is shit like "I told you, should've gone to college.. but oh no, you thought you knew everything.. had to do something you wanted, but now you realize it's not what you need.' There's already been enough screw-ups in my family, all I need is for myself to turn into something less than perfect and super successful; then they can bitch to me just like they bitched to everyone else. My stepsister was a hair stylist, she loved it. She got pregnant, married an asshole, and ruined her life for 3 years. She lived poor and begged her mom for money every month to cover rent. My stepmom and dad now assume that, of course, I will put myself in this same situation. What makes it worse is that I want to be a beautician, just like she did. They can't just let me learn for myself and experience what will happen in my life, no way. They have to tell me that I should really just look into a more stable career and go to a regular college. Because it would be much better for me, even if I don't think so at this point in time.
Isn't it funny how people change on you? Both sets of parents have done that to me recently. My dad and stepmom always said that I needed to follow my dreams, yet when my dreams were to go to beauty school, it would be far better to dream about something else. My mom always said that she would be there for me through everything, no matter what it was or how bad it got. What happens when I ask her to get me on birth control? Absolutely nothing. She avoids it and wont consider it. What happens after that? I start having sex and fear monthly that I could be pregnant. Months later I ask again, only to get the same response. I get my license and drive to the clinic myself to get on birth control, and get caught because it took 3 hours longer than expected. See this wouldn't have been a problem at all if she had been at work, which is why I wasn't worried.. But no, this had to occur on the day that she lost her job. She was home by 1pm. When I get the chance to explain myself, she flips out and doesn't know what to do. She thinks that what I've done is wrong, and she disagrees with it. Does she support my decision to be safe about it? Nope. It's just so wrong. I can't even talk to her about things that she said she would be there to talk to about.. and when I was watching the part of Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants where Bridget loses her virginity and doesn't have her mother there to talk to because her mother committed suicide, it made me so sad, not just because her mother died and she was alone, but also because I can't even talk to my mom about that stuff and she's alive and well. Yeah that would seem weird that I wanted to be able to talk to my mom about that, but we used to have a really open relationship.. until I asked about birth control. Instead of being able to vent and let out the feelings I felt, I had to keep a lot of it to myself and just try deal with it alone. I always thought that I would be able to tell her things.. and now, the most I tell her about my personal life is where I'm going and when I'll be back. There's never even time to talk about my day with her anymore. I think she started smoking again, but I'm not sure. I'm not around enough to be certain, and when I am, nobody else is home. They all have their schedules- Work/school and then going to the gym for 2 hours.. then by the time they get back, it's time to sleep. Nobody's even awake when I come home at 10 to help me open the gate. It bothers me to think that as I get older, I'll just get lonelier in the aspect of being with family. I guess thats just how it goes though.
My dad and step mom think I should work the whole time I'm in Alaska. That wouldn't be as horrible as I'm making it seem, if the place they wanted me to work wasn't the fish canary. First of all, I've hated fish forever. Caaan't stand them. They stink, they're slimey, and just ew. And then, they actually think that I would stand on my feet literally all day cleaning fish, for minimum wage? No thanks, I'll just be poor. And besides, isn't the point of me coming there to be with them and see them since they never come to visit me? They take all their fancy little vacations to Hawaii and Vegas, but even when they're on business trips less than 200 miles away from me, they don't bother coming down.. and they think that for the three weeks I'm there, in fact, to see them, that I would actually go to work for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, cleaning fucking fish. HA! Isn't that nice? Oh wait no, it's not nice, its fucked up. *Sigh* I don't know. I reaally don't. Just thinking about how they can say that to me pisses me off so bad.. I could scream. "Yeah, come see me and leave your boyfriend for three weeks, that way you can work at a fish canary all day, every day. It'll be grand. Can't wait to see ya!" The nerve.. a;fdljea.
I still miss my hair.. a lot. I should be over it by now but I'm not. Then, as if missing it's length wasn't enough to get me slightly bummed, I went to my colorist to see if she could rid me of this funky-ass red/bleached out/black/orange color.. and she said no. -_- So now, I've got hideous roots of my natural color, roots of the bleached out part, and then the darker color that the bleach didn't completely bleach out, with bright fuckin red on the underneath part. She said grow it out all summer and come back right before school starts. I'm so excited! I get to look like a fuckin retard aaalll summer. That'll be wonderful. I wish I never would have tried to be different. At least I achieved that goal, because now nobody has as shitty hair as I do! Folks, I am truly unique now. Oh yeah, and I have to take senior pictures before September or something, so when she tries to make the color manageable and it looks like shit, I can always remember it. Bleh.
I haven't been able to complain to anyone about these things. Brandon isn't much of a serious conversation type.. because he thinks that when it's serious, it means I'm mad at him and he gets all sad and tries to make it better. It's cute when I actually am mad I guess.. sometimes.. but when I just want to talk about something not so stupid, I don't even feel like I can. I think if there was one thing I could add to him, that's what it would be. It almost makes me think about things like whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can't be my whole self with.. because if you can't do that, what's the point? Thinking about that leads to thinking about how long I'm in this for. I make myself want it to be for as long as possible.. but is that what I really do want? Some days yes, and some days not so much.. I am only 17, with my whole life ahead of me...but is that just my parents and grandparents talking? I know that I do love him, otherwise it would not have gotten this far.. and every relationship takes work.. but I don't know what to think. I would never give up what I have for something less and unmeaningful, so I'll probably never meet someone who I might possibly be more compatible with.. Am I wasting what should be my years of really finding things out about myself, just to settle for who I think I am right now and be with someone that is who I think I will love forever? Life is so difficult. I shouldn't stay up late thinking about this stuff because when I do, I always come to the same horrible conclusions. I don't even want to type the conclusions because I will regret it when I am fully rested and have seen him. Heh. I wish things weren't so weird.