The World Was Just a Subway Map [Part 4]
Title: The World Was Just a Subway Map
Fandom: Glee
Written: September - October, 2010
Rating: PG-13
Words: 20100
Summary: When you live in New York City, you have to know the tricks of the trade. Kurt doesn't know the tricks to either of his trades. Enter Mike Chang, who pops up in Kurt's life at the opportune moment and takes him on a journey of self-discovery.
------
Mike was completely right about Jesse, except for one small detail: Jesse had better hair.
And when he was acting opposite Jesse during rehearsals, Kurt couldn't keep his hands off it. It was just so soft and well kept and wavy and gorgeous and made him want to put Jesse in a headlock and pet him like a puppy.
When he told Mike about this, Mike had burst out laughing and suggested he try it. Kurt said that was a horrible idea and that he would never, ever so much as think of doing that.
Then, after his last show, Mike had promptly put Jesse in a headlock and did just that.
"Oh my God, Jesse, your hair is amazing," Mike said, smirking over at Kurt, who was watching and hoping his cheeks didn't look as red as they felt. "It's so soft! What the Hell do you do to it?"
"Lady conditioner," Jesse grinned, saying this with absolutely no shame. "Works wonders."
Mike let him go, settling his arm around Jesse's shoulders instead. Jesse had been hanging around backstage for their shows once he had taken then job, getting a feel for how things were done and when his cues were. Tonight Jesse had gone out onstage after the curtain call and Mike had introduced him as the new Jason. That got quite a bit of applause; Jesse was already an award-winning performer, so his name was familiar among theatre regulars.
"You gonna miss me?" Mike asked, slinging his other arm around Kurt's shoulders, dragging both of them back towards their dressing rooms.
"Nope," Kurt lied. "Why would I miss you when I get to be all over the talented and famous Jesse St. James?"
"Ouch," Mike pouted, but his eyes were laughing.
"Oh shut up," Kurt rolled his eyes. "You're not seriously going to make me admit that I will miss you, are you? You gonna put me in a headlock until I proclaim my undying love and my unwillingness to act opposite anyone else ever again?"
Mike's arm tightened threateningly around his shoulders. Kurt reacted on instinct, ducking out from under that arm and pressing himself back against the wall of the narrow hallway.
"Come on," Mike reached for him, their fingers linking automatically. "I wasn't really gonna put you in a headlock. Although I might make you publicly proclaim your undying love if that's still an option."
"You first," Kurt ordered.
"This isn't in public," Mike protested.
"Yes it is; Jesse's here as our witness," Kurt made eye contact with the other man for a second, noticing that he seemed to be finding their banter extremely hilarious. "What?" Kurt asked Jesse. "You think we're kidding?"
"That's exactly the problem," Jesse said through a laugh. "Nobody can tell when you two are being serious or not. You should hear some of the rumors going around."
"What, you mean like the ones that say we're banging each other every night after the show's over?" Mike asked nonchalantly, making Kurt giggle like a thirteen-year-old girl.
"I was talking more about the ones where nobody's sure if you really aren't half-brother and Kurt's not really a transgendered girl and that you're committing some sort of incestuous crime by banging each other," Jesse also said this nonchalantly, like he was commenting on the weather or the lack of posters in the hallway.
Kurt tripped over his own feet.
"Mike!" he groaned, glaring at the other two. "What the fuck have you been telling people?"
Mike just shrugged, grinned, and said, "Not my fault nobody can take a joke these days. But we'd better get out there and sign stuff soon or they'll start wondering if all three of us are going at it up here."
Kurt promptly turned to face the wall and banged his forehead against it.
------
"Kurt Hummel!"
"Mercedes Jones!"
"Boy, you have some explaining to do."
"What?" Kurt frowned at his laptop, taken aback by Mercedes' comment. He raised an eyebrow at her, trying his best not to look nervous. Even though there were miles between them and this was just their weekly Skype date, she still scared him when she started a conversation like that.
"Mike. Details. Now."
"But… there's nothing to tell," Kurt protested. "I mean, yeah, he's got an amazing body and he's a pretty good kisser, but we're just onstage love interests. Not in real life. You know that."
"The internet doesn't," Mercedes couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice. "Jamie," Mercedes' old college roommate, "introduced me to Broadway Secrets a few days ago when she realized that I knew you. Hang on; I'm sending you a link."
"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this site?" Kurt groaned, but clicked on the link dutifully anyway. He was suddenly accosted with a candid photo of him and Mike holding hands with a caption that said, 'Either this is the most epic bromance ever or they're totally fucking.'
"Oh. That's just lovely, Mercedes."
"There are six more just like it," she informed him. "So you see why I feel the need to make sure you're really telling me everything."
Kurt scrolled through the page quickly, nose wrinkling in displeasure as he did so. It seemed like every "secret" was criticizing something, be it a certain performer, show, costume, what have you. And Mercedes was right; there were more pictures of him and Mike. Kurt felt his cheeks heat up when he saw one that showed Mike bending down with his mouth right next to Kurt's ear. Kurt knew that Mike had whispered an extremely inappropriate joke, but someone who didn't know that could interpret that picture any way they wanted.
"Wow."
"You two are basically Broadway's new power couple, apparently," Mercedes told him. "Except you're swearing that you two aren't really a couple."
"We're not!" Kurt insisted. "Mercedes, come on, you'd be the first person I would tell. I wouldn't let you find out over the internet on some gossip site. You know that."
"I'd come up there and slap you silly if that ever happened," Mercedes said shortly.
"I'd expect nothing less," Kurt said honestly. "Now, come on, tell me about your life."
"Nah, you're not getting away that easily," Mercedes smirked. "Come on, tell me all about Jesse being your new love interest."
"Onstage love interest," Kurt reminded her, before launching into a rant about how it was so unfair that Jesse had to be straight, because seriously, no straight man actually admits to using girls' hair conditioner and makes out with another guy and decides to slip a tongue in just for the fun of it.
"You're so far in denial that I'm pretty sure you've put a down payment on a condo," Mercedes said when his rant about Jesse was over.
"Excuse me?"
"Kurt, hon, just stop," Mercedes actually held up a hand. "Stop talking and listen for a minute. Or two. Can you do that, please?"
Kurt nodded, settling back into his chair to emphasize this.
"Good," Mercedes did the same and Kurt could hear her beanbag chair rustling. "Okay, here's how I see it. You're a single gay man who's the romantic lead in a musical about two gay kids. It's been way too long since you've had any sort of real love interest, so you've fallen into a funk where you're convinced that no guys like you and that it's better to be friends."
Kurt opened his mouth to protest, but Mercedes talked louder.
"I get that you and Mike are good friends and that you and Jesse are probably good friends too, but you need to open those eyes of yours and see the obvious. To the rest of the world, you and Mike are the epitome of an old married couple, minus the sex. And I hate to admit it, hon, but I think the rest of the world knows best here."
"Excuse me?" Kurt repeated, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.
"Are you sexually attracted to Mike?" Mercedes asked bluntly, pretending not to notice when Kurt squirmed in his seat.
"No," he said automatically.
"No, think about it," Mercedes ordered, "and try again."
"I don't know," Kurt admitted, looking at his lap rather than the computer screen. "I mean, I'm not denying that he's certainly nice to look at and I have thought about him and me… like that… before. But that was way before, like, millennia before we even started forming a friendship."
"Just admit you totally want to lick ice cream off his abs and be done with it!"
"Quinn!" Mercedes and Kurt both shouted the blonde woman's name at the same time. Kurt shot up from his chair, blushing furiously, while Mercedes turned and looked behind her, asking, "When did you get in?"
"A few minutes ago," Quinn came closer to the screen, smirking in a way she had perfected back in high school. "Hi, Kurt!" She plopped down in the beanbag chair next to Mercedes. "Continue with your discussion about how Kurt and Mike are made for each other and just won't admit it."
Kurt glared at both of them, ignoring the fact that his face felt extremely hot and his hands were suddenly sweaty and cold.
"Keep going," Mercedes prompted. "You were getting somewhere."
"I'm taking a detour," Kurt decided firmly.
"No, you're not," Quinn butted in.
"Why not?" Kurt asked them both angrily. "Why do I have to talk about this at all? I'm perfectly happy having Mike as just my friend."
"No you're not," Mercedes echoed Quinn's sentence.
"Are you trying to make me angry?"
"Maybe a little," Mercedes shrugged a shoulder. "Come on, go back to what you were saying before."
"Fine," Kurt looked at his lap, frowning at it. "I already admitted that I've thought about it, but like I said, that was before I got to know him. Now we're really close and he's one of my best friends. I'm not about to fuck that up for anything."
"But you're admitting you've thought about it since then?"
"No, I'm admitting that he's extremely attractive and I'm gay."
"You're so stubborn," Quinn shook her head.
"Do you two want me to tell you that I'm secretly in love with Mike and that I've been having sex dreams about him for months? Is that it?"
"It's a start."
"It's also a lie."
"Just keep telling yourself that."
------
"I hate Mercedes and Quinn," Kurt vented, curled up next to Mike on the sofa they had found in the theatre. Mike made an 'aw' noise, clucking his tongue and putting an arm around Kurt.
"Poor you," he said patronizingly. "What did they do to you?"
"They made me talk in circles," Kurt pouted, snuggling into Mike's side. "They're both convinced that we're secretly in love with each other and are afraid to admit it."
"So is the rest of the world," Mike reminded him.
"But this is Mercedes and Quinn saying it," Kurt argued. "They actually know us, unlike the rest of the world. And oh my God, it got so frustrating talking with them about us for so long."
"Well thanks, I didn't realize just how boring a topic I was."
"You know what I mean," Kurt slapped Mike on the stomach, feeling his cheeks tinge when he remembered what Quinn had said about Mike's abs. "I told them about our rule and everything, but they still don't believe me."
"No unspoken sexual tension," Mike recited.
"Speaking of which," Jesse came into the room, already wearing his costume for the show, "I have to talk with you about something, Kurt."
Both Mike and Kurt started struggling to stand up, but Jesse waved his hands and told them to stay put.
"You two are sickeningly adorable, by the way," he added, before telling him what he had actually come in to say. "It's about my girlfriend."
"She hates that you have to be up onstage in front of hundreds of people making out with me and wants us to tone it down?" Kurt guessed.
"No," Jesse rolled his eyes. "She actually thinks it's one of the hottest things she's ever seen in her life." Kurt raised an eyebrow, confused. "Yeah, I don't really get it either, but whatever. She's a girl. They work differently. I just wanted to give you a heads-up about that. So if some crazy redhead comes up to you at any point telling you just how amazing you are and tries to feel you up, that's just Mandy being a complete moron."
Kurt and Mike exchanged an amused look.
"And you're dating her why?" Mike was brave enough to ask.
"Because under all the crazy is the perfect woman," Jesse declared.
"Fair enough," Kurt nodded.
"Does that make you the perfect man?" Mike asked cheekily.
"Nope, that makes you the perfect man," Jesse corrected, plopping himself down on the sofa with them, but keeping his distance. "You're talented and handsome and have abs and an ass that could make any straight guy question his sexuality."
"See what I mean?" Kurt almost whined. "It's so not fair that he's straight!"
"And here I thought you were making the flirts-with-everything-that-moves side of Jesse up," Mike commented. "Yeah, he needs to stop that before one of us has an accident."
"Come on, everyone knows that you two are basically dating anyway," Jesse poked Kurt in the shoulder. "So that means I'm allowed to flirt with you. So tell me, for our big kiss tonight: tongue or no tongue?"
"I hate you," Kurt glared at him. He was doing quite a bit of glaring lately.
"Does that mean I don't get to be the best man at your wedding?" Jesse pouted.
"I'm about to go all musical theatre nerd on you two," Mike announced, then said, "I think I finally know how Bobby from Company feels. All his friends are bugging him about not being married, just like everyone's doing to us. But in the end Bobby has to realize what's really important and who he really loves and figure out if he loves himself enough to be single."
"Whereas the other half of the audience just assumed he was gay."
"Shut up, Jesse," Kurt slapped the man on Mike's behalf. "That was very insightful, Mike."
"'Marry me,'" Mike quoted, looking directly at Kurt. "'Marry me, and everyone will leave us alone.'"
"Marry me a little, love me just enough," Kurt sang quietly, smiling as he did so. "Cry but not too often, play but not too rough. Keep a tender distance so we'll both be free. That's the way it ought to be."
Jesse suddenly burst out laughing, which made both Kurt and Mike turn towards him and exclaim in a clearly pissed-off tone, "Jesse! Shut up!"
"I'm sorry!" No he wasn't. "But it's just that one line: 'Keep a tender distance so we'll both be free.' You two crazies are attached at the hip and never seem to do anything apart. That's anything but a tender distance, boys."
"Well, Sondheim didn't write a song for best friends asking the other to marry him because they were bored and humoring their friends," Kurt shot back.
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend," Mike started singing, stopping after just that phrase when Kurt turned a glare on him. "What?"
"No," Kurt shook his head and his voice was firm. "We are not going to sing a gay duet of that song. You saw what happened to the last couple who tried that."
"So are we a couple now?" Mike asked, seeming genuinely interested.
"No, I just meant that there is no way we are singing that song," Kurt explained. "We're still just friends."
"You guys keep saying that," Jesse shook his head, "and yet here you two are, snuggled up on the couch like two lovebirds in the honeymoon phase, spending every waking moment together and holding hands wherever you go. I hate to break it to you boys, but that's pretty couple-y if you ask me." He stood up and started backing to the door. "If you two aren't officially together by the time the curtain goes up, I'm gagging Kurt with my tongue later."
He saluted and gave them a cheerful grin as he left.
"Dick."
------
They weren't sure whose idea it was to tell Puck about all this, but they both agreed that they hated whoever that had been.
Puck had called each of them individually, clearly feigning interest and reading from a script. Kurt and Mike were almost positive that the only words that had been his own were the following: "So, basically, you two are already dating minus the fucking part. Cool, got it."
And Kurt was not about to tell Mike that Puck had all but shouted, "Get some, Hummel!" before hanging up.
"Do you think we need boyfriends?" Kurt asked, looking across the table at Mike.
"What, you mean convenience boyfriends or real boyfriends?" Mike asked, pulling their shared drink closer and taking a sip. It was getting too cold for frappuccinos, so they'd started trying out every hot beverage Starbucks offered, in order to figure out their favorite.
"Real boyfriends," Kurt nodded. "I don't want to string anyone along just for the sake of having someone to string along."
"I think the world is scared of being alone," was what Mike said by way of answer. "I mean, look at how often society sits on its ass and watches some reality dating show. To me, that's the epitome of being desperate. Everyone is so afraid of being alone that they're willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that they end up with someone. Even if it's the wrong someone."
"Is that your way of saying no?" Kurt raised an eyebrow.
"No, that's just my way of musing over society's warped view of relationships," Mike corrected. "I'm not gonna lie to you; sometimes I miss being with someone. But it's the idea that I miss more than any one person, so it's not like I could call up one of my exes and try to get back together, you know?"
"I think that's how I feel too," Kurt said thoughtfully. "I haven't been attracted to someone like that since…" He paused, thinking back and realizing with a shock that the last time he had been attracted to someone, that someone had been Mike. It had been back when Mike had had his apartment warming party, before Kurt had known that they would end up being the best of friends.
"Since that issue with the sixteen year old at Starbucks," he lied, breaking their one rule for the first time.
"You're a liar," Mike accused, spinning their drink between his hands. "I can tell when you're lying and that was definitely a lie. What's the real truth?" He picked up the drink and held it menacingly. "I'll tip this over your head if you don't tell me."
"All right," Kurt grumbled, looking at the table. "Before we got to know each other, back when you had your party, it was you. Happy now?"
"Yes," Mike set the drink back down. He seemed to be okay with this new piece of information. "And now?"
"Now?" Kurt frowned, then realized what Mike was asking. "Oh! No, no, not anymore. I mean, you're lovely to look at and we have pretty much the best relationship ever, but…" he shook his head, "no."
"What, so you're saying I got really, really ugly overnight?" Mike teased.
"No, I'm saying I grew to care for you as a friend." Kurt pulled the drink closer to him and took a sip, mainly to hide his red cheks.
"Fair enough," Mike shrugged one shoulder. "Then I should probably tell you that I almost asked you to our senior prom back in high school."
Kurt choked.
"Yeah, I know," Mike laughed. "But neither of us had dates and the school year was basically over anyway, so it didn't matter what people thought at that point."
"Any other high school secrets I should know about?" Kurt asked, coughing. "Or are we done with the confessions today?"
"I didn't date Tina to hide my sexuality," Mike told him. "I really did like her, and I do still consider myself bi. So no running to her and telling her I was using her, because I wasn't."
"Never even crossed my mind," Kurt said honestly.
"All right, then," Mike smiled, clapping his hands together. "We're all set then, right? Cards out on the table and no current UST, so we're all set to go out and hopefully figure out how we're supposed to meet boys. Right?"
"Right," Kurt echoed. "But if you expect me to be your wingman, you're sorely mistaken."
"And if you expect me to not yell, 'Get some, Hummel!' if I see you flirting, you're sorely mistaken."
"Oh my God, you're just like Puck!"
"I know; he told me to say that."
Next part.
Fandom: Glee
Written: September - October, 2010
Rating: PG-13
Words: 20100
Summary: When you live in New York City, you have to know the tricks of the trade. Kurt doesn't know the tricks to either of his trades. Enter Mike Chang, who pops up in Kurt's life at the opportune moment and takes him on a journey of self-discovery.
------
Mike was completely right about Jesse, except for one small detail: Jesse had better hair.
And when he was acting opposite Jesse during rehearsals, Kurt couldn't keep his hands off it. It was just so soft and well kept and wavy and gorgeous and made him want to put Jesse in a headlock and pet him like a puppy.
When he told Mike about this, Mike had burst out laughing and suggested he try it. Kurt said that was a horrible idea and that he would never, ever so much as think of doing that.
Then, after his last show, Mike had promptly put Jesse in a headlock and did just that.
"Oh my God, Jesse, your hair is amazing," Mike said, smirking over at Kurt, who was watching and hoping his cheeks didn't look as red as they felt. "It's so soft! What the Hell do you do to it?"
"Lady conditioner," Jesse grinned, saying this with absolutely no shame. "Works wonders."
Mike let him go, settling his arm around Jesse's shoulders instead. Jesse had been hanging around backstage for their shows once he had taken then job, getting a feel for how things were done and when his cues were. Tonight Jesse had gone out onstage after the curtain call and Mike had introduced him as the new Jason. That got quite a bit of applause; Jesse was already an award-winning performer, so his name was familiar among theatre regulars.
"You gonna miss me?" Mike asked, slinging his other arm around Kurt's shoulders, dragging both of them back towards their dressing rooms.
"Nope," Kurt lied. "Why would I miss you when I get to be all over the talented and famous Jesse St. James?"
"Ouch," Mike pouted, but his eyes were laughing.
"Oh shut up," Kurt rolled his eyes. "You're not seriously going to make me admit that I will miss you, are you? You gonna put me in a headlock until I proclaim my undying love and my unwillingness to act opposite anyone else ever again?"
Mike's arm tightened threateningly around his shoulders. Kurt reacted on instinct, ducking out from under that arm and pressing himself back against the wall of the narrow hallway.
"Come on," Mike reached for him, their fingers linking automatically. "I wasn't really gonna put you in a headlock. Although I might make you publicly proclaim your undying love if that's still an option."
"You first," Kurt ordered.
"This isn't in public," Mike protested.
"Yes it is; Jesse's here as our witness," Kurt made eye contact with the other man for a second, noticing that he seemed to be finding their banter extremely hilarious. "What?" Kurt asked Jesse. "You think we're kidding?"
"That's exactly the problem," Jesse said through a laugh. "Nobody can tell when you two are being serious or not. You should hear some of the rumors going around."
"What, you mean like the ones that say we're banging each other every night after the show's over?" Mike asked nonchalantly, making Kurt giggle like a thirteen-year-old girl.
"I was talking more about the ones where nobody's sure if you really aren't half-brother and Kurt's not really a transgendered girl and that you're committing some sort of incestuous crime by banging each other," Jesse also said this nonchalantly, like he was commenting on the weather or the lack of posters in the hallway.
Kurt tripped over his own feet.
"Mike!" he groaned, glaring at the other two. "What the fuck have you been telling people?"
Mike just shrugged, grinned, and said, "Not my fault nobody can take a joke these days. But we'd better get out there and sign stuff soon or they'll start wondering if all three of us are going at it up here."
Kurt promptly turned to face the wall and banged his forehead against it.
------
"Kurt Hummel!"
"Mercedes Jones!"
"Boy, you have some explaining to do."
"What?" Kurt frowned at his laptop, taken aback by Mercedes' comment. He raised an eyebrow at her, trying his best not to look nervous. Even though there were miles between them and this was just their weekly Skype date, she still scared him when she started a conversation like that.
"Mike. Details. Now."
"But… there's nothing to tell," Kurt protested. "I mean, yeah, he's got an amazing body and he's a pretty good kisser, but we're just onstage love interests. Not in real life. You know that."
"The internet doesn't," Mercedes couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice. "Jamie," Mercedes' old college roommate, "introduced me to Broadway Secrets a few days ago when she realized that I knew you. Hang on; I'm sending you a link."
"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this site?" Kurt groaned, but clicked on the link dutifully anyway. He was suddenly accosted with a candid photo of him and Mike holding hands with a caption that said, 'Either this is the most epic bromance ever or they're totally fucking.'
"Oh. That's just lovely, Mercedes."
"There are six more just like it," she informed him. "So you see why I feel the need to make sure you're really telling me everything."
Kurt scrolled through the page quickly, nose wrinkling in displeasure as he did so. It seemed like every "secret" was criticizing something, be it a certain performer, show, costume, what have you. And Mercedes was right; there were more pictures of him and Mike. Kurt felt his cheeks heat up when he saw one that showed Mike bending down with his mouth right next to Kurt's ear. Kurt knew that Mike had whispered an extremely inappropriate joke, but someone who didn't know that could interpret that picture any way they wanted.
"Wow."
"You two are basically Broadway's new power couple, apparently," Mercedes told him. "Except you're swearing that you two aren't really a couple."
"We're not!" Kurt insisted. "Mercedes, come on, you'd be the first person I would tell. I wouldn't let you find out over the internet on some gossip site. You know that."
"I'd come up there and slap you silly if that ever happened," Mercedes said shortly.
"I'd expect nothing less," Kurt said honestly. "Now, come on, tell me about your life."
"Nah, you're not getting away that easily," Mercedes smirked. "Come on, tell me all about Jesse being your new love interest."
"Onstage love interest," Kurt reminded her, before launching into a rant about how it was so unfair that Jesse had to be straight, because seriously, no straight man actually admits to using girls' hair conditioner and makes out with another guy and decides to slip a tongue in just for the fun of it.
"You're so far in denial that I'm pretty sure you've put a down payment on a condo," Mercedes said when his rant about Jesse was over.
"Excuse me?"
"Kurt, hon, just stop," Mercedes actually held up a hand. "Stop talking and listen for a minute. Or two. Can you do that, please?"
Kurt nodded, settling back into his chair to emphasize this.
"Good," Mercedes did the same and Kurt could hear her beanbag chair rustling. "Okay, here's how I see it. You're a single gay man who's the romantic lead in a musical about two gay kids. It's been way too long since you've had any sort of real love interest, so you've fallen into a funk where you're convinced that no guys like you and that it's better to be friends."
Kurt opened his mouth to protest, but Mercedes talked louder.
"I get that you and Mike are good friends and that you and Jesse are probably good friends too, but you need to open those eyes of yours and see the obvious. To the rest of the world, you and Mike are the epitome of an old married couple, minus the sex. And I hate to admit it, hon, but I think the rest of the world knows best here."
"Excuse me?" Kurt repeated, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.
"Are you sexually attracted to Mike?" Mercedes asked bluntly, pretending not to notice when Kurt squirmed in his seat.
"No," he said automatically.
"No, think about it," Mercedes ordered, "and try again."
"I don't know," Kurt admitted, looking at his lap rather than the computer screen. "I mean, I'm not denying that he's certainly nice to look at and I have thought about him and me… like that… before. But that was way before, like, millennia before we even started forming a friendship."
"Just admit you totally want to lick ice cream off his abs and be done with it!"
"Quinn!" Mercedes and Kurt both shouted the blonde woman's name at the same time. Kurt shot up from his chair, blushing furiously, while Mercedes turned and looked behind her, asking, "When did you get in?"
"A few minutes ago," Quinn came closer to the screen, smirking in a way she had perfected back in high school. "Hi, Kurt!" She plopped down in the beanbag chair next to Mercedes. "Continue with your discussion about how Kurt and Mike are made for each other and just won't admit it."
Kurt glared at both of them, ignoring the fact that his face felt extremely hot and his hands were suddenly sweaty and cold.
"Keep going," Mercedes prompted. "You were getting somewhere."
"I'm taking a detour," Kurt decided firmly.
"No, you're not," Quinn butted in.
"Why not?" Kurt asked them both angrily. "Why do I have to talk about this at all? I'm perfectly happy having Mike as just my friend."
"No you're not," Mercedes echoed Quinn's sentence.
"Are you trying to make me angry?"
"Maybe a little," Mercedes shrugged a shoulder. "Come on, go back to what you were saying before."
"Fine," Kurt looked at his lap, frowning at it. "I already admitted that I've thought about it, but like I said, that was before I got to know him. Now we're really close and he's one of my best friends. I'm not about to fuck that up for anything."
"But you're admitting you've thought about it since then?"
"No, I'm admitting that he's extremely attractive and I'm gay."
"You're so stubborn," Quinn shook her head.
"Do you two want me to tell you that I'm secretly in love with Mike and that I've been having sex dreams about him for months? Is that it?"
"It's a start."
"It's also a lie."
"Just keep telling yourself that."
------
"I hate Mercedes and Quinn," Kurt vented, curled up next to Mike on the sofa they had found in the theatre. Mike made an 'aw' noise, clucking his tongue and putting an arm around Kurt.
"Poor you," he said patronizingly. "What did they do to you?"
"They made me talk in circles," Kurt pouted, snuggling into Mike's side. "They're both convinced that we're secretly in love with each other and are afraid to admit it."
"So is the rest of the world," Mike reminded him.
"But this is Mercedes and Quinn saying it," Kurt argued. "They actually know us, unlike the rest of the world. And oh my God, it got so frustrating talking with them about us for so long."
"Well thanks, I didn't realize just how boring a topic I was."
"You know what I mean," Kurt slapped Mike on the stomach, feeling his cheeks tinge when he remembered what Quinn had said about Mike's abs. "I told them about our rule and everything, but they still don't believe me."
"No unspoken sexual tension," Mike recited.
"Speaking of which," Jesse came into the room, already wearing his costume for the show, "I have to talk with you about something, Kurt."
Both Mike and Kurt started struggling to stand up, but Jesse waved his hands and told them to stay put.
"You two are sickeningly adorable, by the way," he added, before telling him what he had actually come in to say. "It's about my girlfriend."
"She hates that you have to be up onstage in front of hundreds of people making out with me and wants us to tone it down?" Kurt guessed.
"No," Jesse rolled his eyes. "She actually thinks it's one of the hottest things she's ever seen in her life." Kurt raised an eyebrow, confused. "Yeah, I don't really get it either, but whatever. She's a girl. They work differently. I just wanted to give you a heads-up about that. So if some crazy redhead comes up to you at any point telling you just how amazing you are and tries to feel you up, that's just Mandy being a complete moron."
Kurt and Mike exchanged an amused look.
"And you're dating her why?" Mike was brave enough to ask.
"Because under all the crazy is the perfect woman," Jesse declared.
"Fair enough," Kurt nodded.
"Does that make you the perfect man?" Mike asked cheekily.
"Nope, that makes you the perfect man," Jesse corrected, plopping himself down on the sofa with them, but keeping his distance. "You're talented and handsome and have abs and an ass that could make any straight guy question his sexuality."
"See what I mean?" Kurt almost whined. "It's so not fair that he's straight!"
"And here I thought you were making the flirts-with-everything-that-moves side of Jesse up," Mike commented. "Yeah, he needs to stop that before one of us has an accident."
"Come on, everyone knows that you two are basically dating anyway," Jesse poked Kurt in the shoulder. "So that means I'm allowed to flirt with you. So tell me, for our big kiss tonight: tongue or no tongue?"
"I hate you," Kurt glared at him. He was doing quite a bit of glaring lately.
"Does that mean I don't get to be the best man at your wedding?" Jesse pouted.
"I'm about to go all musical theatre nerd on you two," Mike announced, then said, "I think I finally know how Bobby from Company feels. All his friends are bugging him about not being married, just like everyone's doing to us. But in the end Bobby has to realize what's really important and who he really loves and figure out if he loves himself enough to be single."
"Whereas the other half of the audience just assumed he was gay."
"Shut up, Jesse," Kurt slapped the man on Mike's behalf. "That was very insightful, Mike."
"'Marry me,'" Mike quoted, looking directly at Kurt. "'Marry me, and everyone will leave us alone.'"
"Marry me a little, love me just enough," Kurt sang quietly, smiling as he did so. "Cry but not too often, play but not too rough. Keep a tender distance so we'll both be free. That's the way it ought to be."
Jesse suddenly burst out laughing, which made both Kurt and Mike turn towards him and exclaim in a clearly pissed-off tone, "Jesse! Shut up!"
"I'm sorry!" No he wasn't. "But it's just that one line: 'Keep a tender distance so we'll both be free.' You two crazies are attached at the hip and never seem to do anything apart. That's anything but a tender distance, boys."
"Well, Sondheim didn't write a song for best friends asking the other to marry him because they were bored and humoring their friends," Kurt shot back.
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend," Mike started singing, stopping after just that phrase when Kurt turned a glare on him. "What?"
"No," Kurt shook his head and his voice was firm. "We are not going to sing a gay duet of that song. You saw what happened to the last couple who tried that."
"So are we a couple now?" Mike asked, seeming genuinely interested.
"No, I just meant that there is no way we are singing that song," Kurt explained. "We're still just friends."
"You guys keep saying that," Jesse shook his head, "and yet here you two are, snuggled up on the couch like two lovebirds in the honeymoon phase, spending every waking moment together and holding hands wherever you go. I hate to break it to you boys, but that's pretty couple-y if you ask me." He stood up and started backing to the door. "If you two aren't officially together by the time the curtain goes up, I'm gagging Kurt with my tongue later."
He saluted and gave them a cheerful grin as he left.
"Dick."
------
They weren't sure whose idea it was to tell Puck about all this, but they both agreed that they hated whoever that had been.
Puck had called each of them individually, clearly feigning interest and reading from a script. Kurt and Mike were almost positive that the only words that had been his own were the following: "So, basically, you two are already dating minus the fucking part. Cool, got it."
And Kurt was not about to tell Mike that Puck had all but shouted, "Get some, Hummel!" before hanging up.
"Do you think we need boyfriends?" Kurt asked, looking across the table at Mike.
"What, you mean convenience boyfriends or real boyfriends?" Mike asked, pulling their shared drink closer and taking a sip. It was getting too cold for frappuccinos, so they'd started trying out every hot beverage Starbucks offered, in order to figure out their favorite.
"Real boyfriends," Kurt nodded. "I don't want to string anyone along just for the sake of having someone to string along."
"I think the world is scared of being alone," was what Mike said by way of answer. "I mean, look at how often society sits on its ass and watches some reality dating show. To me, that's the epitome of being desperate. Everyone is so afraid of being alone that they're willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that they end up with someone. Even if it's the wrong someone."
"Is that your way of saying no?" Kurt raised an eyebrow.
"No, that's just my way of musing over society's warped view of relationships," Mike corrected. "I'm not gonna lie to you; sometimes I miss being with someone. But it's the idea that I miss more than any one person, so it's not like I could call up one of my exes and try to get back together, you know?"
"I think that's how I feel too," Kurt said thoughtfully. "I haven't been attracted to someone like that since…" He paused, thinking back and realizing with a shock that the last time he had been attracted to someone, that someone had been Mike. It had been back when Mike had had his apartment warming party, before Kurt had known that they would end up being the best of friends.
"Since that issue with the sixteen year old at Starbucks," he lied, breaking their one rule for the first time.
"You're a liar," Mike accused, spinning their drink between his hands. "I can tell when you're lying and that was definitely a lie. What's the real truth?" He picked up the drink and held it menacingly. "I'll tip this over your head if you don't tell me."
"All right," Kurt grumbled, looking at the table. "Before we got to know each other, back when you had your party, it was you. Happy now?"
"Yes," Mike set the drink back down. He seemed to be okay with this new piece of information. "And now?"
"Now?" Kurt frowned, then realized what Mike was asking. "Oh! No, no, not anymore. I mean, you're lovely to look at and we have pretty much the best relationship ever, but…" he shook his head, "no."
"What, so you're saying I got really, really ugly overnight?" Mike teased.
"No, I'm saying I grew to care for you as a friend." Kurt pulled the drink closer to him and took a sip, mainly to hide his red cheks.
"Fair enough," Mike shrugged one shoulder. "Then I should probably tell you that I almost asked you to our senior prom back in high school."
Kurt choked.
"Yeah, I know," Mike laughed. "But neither of us had dates and the school year was basically over anyway, so it didn't matter what people thought at that point."
"Any other high school secrets I should know about?" Kurt asked, coughing. "Or are we done with the confessions today?"
"I didn't date Tina to hide my sexuality," Mike told him. "I really did like her, and I do still consider myself bi. So no running to her and telling her I was using her, because I wasn't."
"Never even crossed my mind," Kurt said honestly.
"All right, then," Mike smiled, clapping his hands together. "We're all set then, right? Cards out on the table and no current UST, so we're all set to go out and hopefully figure out how we're supposed to meet boys. Right?"
"Right," Kurt echoed. "But if you expect me to be your wingman, you're sorely mistaken."
"And if you expect me to not yell, 'Get some, Hummel!' if I see you flirting, you're sorely mistaken."
"Oh my God, you're just like Puck!"
"I know; he told me to say that."
Next part.