an explanation of my teenage drama
on friday afternoon i broke down. i sat in finite and i stared at the book and i thought none of this matters, its all pointless, i vaguely dislike everyone surrounding me, and this all looks fake like it doesnt really exist.
i left finite after buck tried to "have a talk" with me. which was somehting like. "whats wrong wiht you dorfman," sensitive guy. i did not complete my class work. i walked out to the corner by the grassy lawn where i now eat lunch with all the drama underclassmen, since i dont go to alissa's anymore, and i dont have a license. i sat down. i looked at the sky and the hills and i still thought it was all pointless. devon came over and i was crying. but not because i felt bad. just because its a natural bodily function that happens when your somewhat confused or wrong. i felt like a sheet of glass. i began telling devon about my views on the world and life. and i said honestly, it cant be a problem wiht everyone else. its my problem. or maybe i am the problem. just becuase i see things differently. maybe that makes me a stain on society. the eugeneics had a good idea about ho to mke life easier. well, if im the problem i should be taken care of. i cant do it tho. and no one else will do it or should or can. but somehow i shouldnt really exist anymore. and i mentioned, that i am truly sorry for the way i must affect people and the way my views are impacting the people around me who "care and want to listen". but they dont have to. they shouldnt listen, i dont want to change anyone's ideas. ive been there. i know what it feels like to not be enough, to not matter, not be important enough to change the view. at this point adam came over to me. and said whats wrong tell me so i can help you. and sat down on my other side. and rather obnoxiously prodded at me for me to talk to him. he had been doing this all week in rehearsals where he had already upset me. as i continued speaking adam became very afflicted and said. well what about me, what about your relationship wiht me.. or othwer peole. all your firneds. that doesnt matter? and i looked at him and i said no, it doesnt. at this point i incredulously began shouting its not about you adam, everythign is not about you. my view on life is not about you. it has nothing to do wiht you.
well. since this time, i have later found that adam met wiht lara for coffee after school that day and told her all about my little episode. a few hours after that i felt the same. i called lara for some reason and a conversation was initiated where i also told her how i was feeling. even devon. who looks at me as someone very important to him and as a part of his band calmly accepted that i was feeling dismissive. lara, on the other hand began saying that she couldnt live her life by those views. and once again it became a matter of "i didnt tell you to, you shouldnt have to, its not about you" this is not to say that i am selfish, its just to say that i feel i am a problem and should be contained in myself. i dont want this to get on to other people. but people keep getting involved. this was one in a series of arguments lara and i had at late leading up to the destruction of our relationship.
lara and i later had a conversation online where i prompted her to be rid of me and she didnt understand the nature of this plea. taking it as an offense lara began slandering me with several accusations. of being heartless. of being an empty selfish person who will always be cold and alone. etc. i calmly stated that she was making a messs of things and that i had offered her an out. she continued trying to make herself feel ebtter by coloring me as an awful character and carrying on. the conclusion was that she was never speaking to me again.
from this point on, i can only assume lara was in further contact wiht adam becuase the next day.. backstage at every show. all day long. every time adam walked by me he would either bump inot me, say somethign rude. prompt me to kill myself. tell me things he said lara told him to say to me. give me suicide instructions. and the like. and all day long i took it. i sat there and the extent of mjy rebuffs were something like adam shut up. and dont pace backstage.
at the end of the night, the show was over, and it was cast party time. i elected to go to the cast party because i love a majority of the cast and ellen and it was at her house. 20 minutes into the party i was a rather nervous wreck. i walked down the street to where devon lives and threw pebbles at his window to come down. he snuck out and we went back to the party. only we stood outside for a few minutes while i was on my second cigarette. near us on the floor lay rob, ellen's bf. a very genuinely nice guy, who basically exists in the oak park drama circle for ellen and reserves his judgement or comment on the rest of us. rob noticed that i was soemwhat distraught and angry at myself for smoking. rob was in bad sorts himself and convinced me to put out my cigarette and go for a walk.
rob has proabbaly been the most reassuring person ive met in a year and a half. we had a long walk where we discussed what was wrong and why it shouldnt be wrong. and that its not necessarily me. but what my surroundings are. and that even if it could be me. i will nver know where else i may be going. so even if i dont crae and dont want to move on. its not worth it anyway.
he really did help i promise.
we went back to the party freezing, thankfully most of the peole were gone and i enjoyed myself a bit more. at the end of the night i thanked ellen, i mentioned what rob had done for me, and i congradulated her on her awesome accomplishment.
i got a ride home wiht leana. she was also taking adam home. adam was out of it. something arose involving an outsideparty and i was stupid enough in my delicate position to pass judgement on it. i was taken home and sent off wiht some particularly vicious sentiments. after that entire day, after all the bullshit i had gotten from adam, and after i had been somehwat awoken by rob's comments to me. i had it. i was upset. i was very fucking upset and when i got inside i launched a pretty angry reponse to both adam and lara commenting on how they are probabaly the two most decieving, vicious, twisted, lonely peole i will ever know. they are both ugly people.
the responses i recieved ranged from "youre crazy" to "change schools eileen"
lara has opted to have nothing to do wiht me ever again. and adam decided to threaten to antagonize me for the rest of high school. to make me kill myself. or to kill me "if i am trying to steal rob from ellen". i told him he was stoned and paranoid. and also replied (becuase at this point i was very fuckin pissed off) that if he thought he had any power to hurt me or tried to do shit to me i would fucking crush him. for som strange reason he then started to back off and varied his responses to fuck off you cunt, just leave me alone.
i was upset. i sat there and thought to myself. obviously i can be alright. and obviously there are good peple in the world. and there are also broken people. and poeple who can go bad. so insecure they can abolutely dissolve. but fuck it. i can deal wiht it. and thats just how it has to go.
the trouble is, i have a scissor sisters ticket that matches adam's. i called alex and agreed to wokr a truce in the name of the scissor sisters. although, i honestly dont think adam will be willing to tolerate me.
the other problem is, adam has been going aroudn to fucking everyone and retelling his sad tale of how i attacked him and how im crazy. i may have burned a few bridges but he is crashing into the rest of them. in the grand scheme of things its rather alright. and i suppose i will survive, regardless. but honestly i can say i was in a very fucked up state of mind. i was having a very hard time. and i think most people can associate wiht that. however i most definately need to become involved with some new people.
if depression is selfishness and honesty is loneiness then i am either fucked or dealing wiht it. but i can say i am not fake and i think thats one of the pretty damn important things in life. to be yourslelf and go through your own problems. even if theyre the same as everyone elses. and not to really lie about them too much. depending.
on another note. my mother found this journal.
this means that i will shortly be going through with all plans of establihsing another more private journal and starting over. rob has made me nto want to smoke for a while, but i cant say for sure if im quitting... i feel like i almot owe it to his efforts to totally quit, but i feel bad for being unsure. i wuld like to quit for myself also. but myself is being reluctant to the idea. i havent heard from cosmo. i hung out wiht jim last night and i am diggin it. soo. after all this. i mean to say that if an when i have things set down on a stable foundation agian i will admit it all to my mother, i will explain it to her, and it will be sorted out. those of you who would like to attempt to threaten/ blackmail/ abuse any sort of knowlege you have of me, rest assured, as distant as my mom and i seem. in reality she knows a lot more than youd thnk i would tell her. those of you who have the balls to talk to my father about these things. good fucking luck. i have one word to use. and that is: stalin.
i am going off to concentrate on my studies. now that you basiclaly know my explanation of the curent events i hope you will wisely consider what you have been told and form your own judgments instead of following a set of alliances.
this is all fucking stupid high school bullshit. i salute you for participating in it. in a year and a half i will have no connection to all of this whatsoever and i am fucking satisfied with that knowledge.
i left finite after buck tried to "have a talk" with me. which was somehting like. "whats wrong wiht you dorfman," sensitive guy. i did not complete my class work. i walked out to the corner by the grassy lawn where i now eat lunch with all the drama underclassmen, since i dont go to alissa's anymore, and i dont have a license. i sat down. i looked at the sky and the hills and i still thought it was all pointless. devon came over and i was crying. but not because i felt bad. just because its a natural bodily function that happens when your somewhat confused or wrong. i felt like a sheet of glass. i began telling devon about my views on the world and life. and i said honestly, it cant be a problem wiht everyone else. its my problem. or maybe i am the problem. just becuase i see things differently. maybe that makes me a stain on society. the eugeneics had a good idea about ho to mke life easier. well, if im the problem i should be taken care of. i cant do it tho. and no one else will do it or should or can. but somehow i shouldnt really exist anymore. and i mentioned, that i am truly sorry for the way i must affect people and the way my views are impacting the people around me who "care and want to listen". but they dont have to. they shouldnt listen, i dont want to change anyone's ideas. ive been there. i know what it feels like to not be enough, to not matter, not be important enough to change the view. at this point adam came over to me. and said whats wrong tell me so i can help you. and sat down on my other side. and rather obnoxiously prodded at me for me to talk to him. he had been doing this all week in rehearsals where he had already upset me. as i continued speaking adam became very afflicted and said. well what about me, what about your relationship wiht me.. or othwer peole. all your firneds. that doesnt matter? and i looked at him and i said no, it doesnt. at this point i incredulously began shouting its not about you adam, everythign is not about you. my view on life is not about you. it has nothing to do wiht you.
well. since this time, i have later found that adam met wiht lara for coffee after school that day and told her all about my little episode. a few hours after that i felt the same. i called lara for some reason and a conversation was initiated where i also told her how i was feeling. even devon. who looks at me as someone very important to him and as a part of his band calmly accepted that i was feeling dismissive. lara, on the other hand began saying that she couldnt live her life by those views. and once again it became a matter of "i didnt tell you to, you shouldnt have to, its not about you" this is not to say that i am selfish, its just to say that i feel i am a problem and should be contained in myself. i dont want this to get on to other people. but people keep getting involved. this was one in a series of arguments lara and i had at late leading up to the destruction of our relationship.
lara and i later had a conversation online where i prompted her to be rid of me and she didnt understand the nature of this plea. taking it as an offense lara began slandering me with several accusations. of being heartless. of being an empty selfish person who will always be cold and alone. etc. i calmly stated that she was making a messs of things and that i had offered her an out. she continued trying to make herself feel ebtter by coloring me as an awful character and carrying on. the conclusion was that she was never speaking to me again.
from this point on, i can only assume lara was in further contact wiht adam becuase the next day.. backstage at every show. all day long. every time adam walked by me he would either bump inot me, say somethign rude. prompt me to kill myself. tell me things he said lara told him to say to me. give me suicide instructions. and the like. and all day long i took it. i sat there and the extent of mjy rebuffs were something like adam shut up. and dont pace backstage.
at the end of the night, the show was over, and it was cast party time. i elected to go to the cast party because i love a majority of the cast and ellen and it was at her house. 20 minutes into the party i was a rather nervous wreck. i walked down the street to where devon lives and threw pebbles at his window to come down. he snuck out and we went back to the party. only we stood outside for a few minutes while i was on my second cigarette. near us on the floor lay rob, ellen's bf. a very genuinely nice guy, who basically exists in the oak park drama circle for ellen and reserves his judgement or comment on the rest of us. rob noticed that i was soemwhat distraught and angry at myself for smoking. rob was in bad sorts himself and convinced me to put out my cigarette and go for a walk.
rob has proabbaly been the most reassuring person ive met in a year and a half. we had a long walk where we discussed what was wrong and why it shouldnt be wrong. and that its not necessarily me. but what my surroundings are. and that even if it could be me. i will nver know where else i may be going. so even if i dont crae and dont want to move on. its not worth it anyway.
he really did help i promise.
we went back to the party freezing, thankfully most of the peole were gone and i enjoyed myself a bit more. at the end of the night i thanked ellen, i mentioned what rob had done for me, and i congradulated her on her awesome accomplishment.
i got a ride home wiht leana. she was also taking adam home. adam was out of it. something arose involving an outsideparty and i was stupid enough in my delicate position to pass judgement on it. i was taken home and sent off wiht some particularly vicious sentiments. after that entire day, after all the bullshit i had gotten from adam, and after i had been somehwat awoken by rob's comments to me. i had it. i was upset. i was very fucking upset and when i got inside i launched a pretty angry reponse to both adam and lara commenting on how they are probabaly the two most decieving, vicious, twisted, lonely peole i will ever know. they are both ugly people.
the responses i recieved ranged from "youre crazy" to "change schools eileen"
lara has opted to have nothing to do wiht me ever again. and adam decided to threaten to antagonize me for the rest of high school. to make me kill myself. or to kill me "if i am trying to steal rob from ellen". i told him he was stoned and paranoid. and also replied (becuase at this point i was very fuckin pissed off) that if he thought he had any power to hurt me or tried to do shit to me i would fucking crush him. for som strange reason he then started to back off and varied his responses to fuck off you cunt, just leave me alone.
i was upset. i sat there and thought to myself. obviously i can be alright. and obviously there are good peple in the world. and there are also broken people. and poeple who can go bad. so insecure they can abolutely dissolve. but fuck it. i can deal wiht it. and thats just how it has to go.
the trouble is, i have a scissor sisters ticket that matches adam's. i called alex and agreed to wokr a truce in the name of the scissor sisters. although, i honestly dont think adam will be willing to tolerate me.
the other problem is, adam has been going aroudn to fucking everyone and retelling his sad tale of how i attacked him and how im crazy. i may have burned a few bridges but he is crashing into the rest of them. in the grand scheme of things its rather alright. and i suppose i will survive, regardless. but honestly i can say i was in a very fucked up state of mind. i was having a very hard time. and i think most people can associate wiht that. however i most definately need to become involved with some new people.
if depression is selfishness and honesty is loneiness then i am either fucked or dealing wiht it. but i can say i am not fake and i think thats one of the pretty damn important things in life. to be yourslelf and go through your own problems. even if theyre the same as everyone elses. and not to really lie about them too much. depending.
on another note. my mother found this journal.
this means that i will shortly be going through with all plans of establihsing another more private journal and starting over. rob has made me nto want to smoke for a while, but i cant say for sure if im quitting... i feel like i almot owe it to his efforts to totally quit, but i feel bad for being unsure. i wuld like to quit for myself also. but myself is being reluctant to the idea. i havent heard from cosmo. i hung out wiht jim last night and i am diggin it. soo. after all this. i mean to say that if an when i have things set down on a stable foundation agian i will admit it all to my mother, i will explain it to her, and it will be sorted out. those of you who would like to attempt to threaten/ blackmail/ abuse any sort of knowlege you have of me, rest assured, as distant as my mom and i seem. in reality she knows a lot more than youd thnk i would tell her. those of you who have the balls to talk to my father about these things. good fucking luck. i have one word to use. and that is: stalin.
i am going off to concentrate on my studies. now that you basiclaly know my explanation of the curent events i hope you will wisely consider what you have been told and form your own judgments instead of following a set of alliances.
this is all fucking stupid high school bullshit. i salute you for participating in it. in a year and a half i will have no connection to all of this whatsoever and i am fucking satisfied with that knowledge.