and everything fades to the black...
the leaves are fading again and spring is fast approaching so why do i feel like i'm stuck in this winter nightmare. It starts to thaw only to have a storm come raging back. My emotions won't freeze but everything else seems to. The ground won't thaw and nothing will warm my heart. Rejections because of a moonlit reflection. No one wants the dark no one wants to see past the lit hallways. No one wants to notice a broken soul taken in by everything shadowy cause the light cast it out into the world. They don't want me. Neither one of them wants the work that will go with me. Fake smiles and fake laughs thats all they want to see, they don't want the tears and the real pain that keeps hiding. Neither one could understand the need to be held to be wanted when everyone is watching, when all eyes are on them and they aren't ashamed to proclaim that i'm theirs. I keep checking for a sign that it will be alright one day that not all this will last forever, and yet it's all the same. I'm stuck in this creepy goo and i have to keep trying to struggle my way through and i'm covered in this sickly green stuff and it reeks like rotting things and no one seems willing to reach for my hand and help pull me out. Or they "try" and can't stand the actual work to help pull me out of this state, and drop me again. I want someone to notice me to actually see what i'm worth and not try to destroy me. I've been there i don't want that. I want something real i want someone to stand by me even when i fuck up and still say i'm worth having. I'm worth the struggle. That i'm not just someone easily replaceable. So far the only one's that think that are a few people that are clearly entwined in my life and that i would never trade for the world. But i want the other I want the happy feelings that life has to offer. I don't want someone to make me happy i want someone to stand by me and love me, just me. No matter what my faults may be or my interests or just who i am. I don't want someone to change me i want someone to just let me be Who i am. Why is this so hard? I want someone to show me that I'm worth something outside the fucking bedroom.