Petty Shit Novel
i won't sit here and dwell on the sad and pathetic petty shit. i won't. can't. i think i was trying to test the inevitable..so now that i know he is talking to someone else i don't know how to react. i can't be mad. but i am secretly shaking inside.
i was browsing through the picture folder of me and him on my computer and i just wish we still had those good times we did just months ago.
i am a shitty person for the things i said to him before. i am a shitty person for lying to him about the whole jason thing. i am a shitty person for not understanding or wanting to listen to his side.
he is a shitty person for making me feel like an awful person about the situation when he had something hiding up his sleeve for the past month or so.
--then--
SPLAT
oh shit! what was that?!
oh, yes, that's right. 13 months of love. feelings. passion. jealousy. want. desire. my heart. on the ground, just crying out for free stomping and squashing. who will get the last kick with the steel-toed shoe? who knows, but i would like to find out. soon.
i am tired, physically and emotionally, of this stress. tired of the knot i get in my throat at the thought of him with someone else. tired of pushing back my tears, even though no one is watching.
waiting. patiently. for that last kick, so it'll be over. my pain, eventually gone, forever.
i sit here at 3:50 am on a thursday morning gripping about my not so pathetic life when there are larger things to worry about. poverty. war. death. boyfriends? damn, who needs that!
one thing is keeping me sane.. the thought that i will always be better.
..so i lied, me being better is just a small bit..actually, mentally it is about half. the other half: my friends. one in particular has been exceptional lately. and i love her to pieces for it.
so, now 4:08 am, i am off to bed to dream up some insanely gorgeous boyfriend that i don't have, but could really use right now. and we shall cuddle. i will hold him close and he will pull me closer. come morning, i wake up squeezing my no-named blue body pillow and wonder what the day will bring me.
farewell my dear friends and live-journal users. my insanely gorgeous boyfriend is calling me.
i was browsing through the picture folder of me and him on my computer and i just wish we still had those good times we did just months ago.
i am a shitty person for the things i said to him before. i am a shitty person for lying to him about the whole jason thing. i am a shitty person for not understanding or wanting to listen to his side.
he is a shitty person for making me feel like an awful person about the situation when he had something hiding up his sleeve for the past month or so.
--then--
SPLAT
oh shit! what was that?!
oh, yes, that's right. 13 months of love. feelings. passion. jealousy. want. desire. my heart. on the ground, just crying out for free stomping and squashing. who will get the last kick with the steel-toed shoe? who knows, but i would like to find out. soon.
i am tired, physically and emotionally, of this stress. tired of the knot i get in my throat at the thought of him with someone else. tired of pushing back my tears, even though no one is watching.
waiting. patiently. for that last kick, so it'll be over. my pain, eventually gone, forever.
i sit here at 3:50 am on a thursday morning gripping about my not so pathetic life when there are larger things to worry about. poverty. war. death. boyfriends? damn, who needs that!
one thing is keeping me sane.. the thought that i will always be better.
..so i lied, me being better is just a small bit..actually, mentally it is about half. the other half: my friends. one in particular has been exceptional lately. and i love her to pieces for it.
so, now 4:08 am, i am off to bed to dream up some insanely gorgeous boyfriend that i don't have, but could really use right now. and we shall cuddle. i will hold him close and he will pull me closer. come morning, i wake up squeezing my no-named blue body pillow and wonder what the day will bring me.
farewell my dear friends and live-journal users. my insanely gorgeous boyfriend is calling me.