(no subject)
There's something in me that feels like writing in this right now. My past entries have been far and few and quite shitty, possibly (probably...)due to my liberal arts education including many, many 10 plus page papers. The nauseous feeling of writing has died- just a little- for now. I've felt a confusion in me lately -possibly (probably...) why i turned to writing in this. But ya know what? I can't really pinpoint that confusion and because of that, i feel worse. Even though i came home expecting nothing but stability, which is definitely what i have been mostly provided with through close friends and family, there is the underlying feel and reality of change, which i suppose i blocked from my senses as i boarded the plane departing from, my now new home, nyc. Change should have been expected (and accepted) far before stability at home, but i work differently i've found. Reguardless, things have drastically changed for some, not to say that i'm upset. I like it. Very much. I feel that with specific friends, changes are happening that will inevitably mark the life they will continue to lead. Big stuff here. Big, big, big. And the effect that it's having on my life is also that of a big one. For some odd reason, i keep filling my head with the thought that i can't control my life, but thats just idiotic. Everything i do, i can change. Weight, look, friends, life, career.... it can all be changed. And i will, i am. The last one boggles me right now. I truly think i've just pinpointed the nasty confusion culprit. Because i deal with the thoughts of that C word everday, but i don't let myself believe anything of it. Oh i believe i belong with what i am choosing to pursue, but i'm confusing myself on my education of how to get there. That's it! Ah, i confuse myself. That's what i do. That's this sick feeling. I confuse myself. And i crack myself up.
I can't wait to be back in the city. Getting an apartment scares me. It does. A bed?? I'm bed shopping. That's a big deal. Sleeping on something comfortable. It really is strange. so strange. good strange. These are not complaints just tiny, uncomfortable- yet joyful- fears.
I'm ready for something big in the relationship department. i've decided.
i'm done.
I can't wait to be back in the city. Getting an apartment scares me. It does. A bed?? I'm bed shopping. That's a big deal. Sleeping on something comfortable. It really is strange. so strange. good strange. These are not complaints just tiny, uncomfortable- yet joyful- fears.
I'm ready for something big in the relationship department. i've decided.
i'm done.