Mid-Life Crisis
Wow. Three years since my last post.
I can't begin to sum up the last three years in one post, so I won't even really try. I'll just focus on the way I feel right now. It probably seems like I'm a miserable person to anybody who reads this. I don't think that is really the case. I just write here when I don't have any other way to vent my emotions. That's what journals are for, right? When I'm happy, I can vent easily. Yeah, I do think it is possible to "vent" happy emotions. It is just called showing joy. That's easy. Showing pain, not so much.
So I just swallowed a handful of pills. Don't take that the wrong way. They are all doctor prescribed, I'm not talking about an OD or anything. I literally have to take a handful of pills twice a day to try to NOT die. I'm tempted to delete the first line of this paragraph because I wasn't trying to scare anybody, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it. Every day I have to take 5 pills for diabetes (Metformin and Actos), 3 for depression (Depakote and Paxil), 1 for blood pressure (Lisinopril), 1 for cholesterol (Lipitor), and 2 for pain (Vicodin). That's 12 pills a day. I'm freaking 34 years old.
I should probably be on anti-anxiety medicine too, but I've had bad experiences with Xanax in the past. I'm pretty resistant to it, as I am just about all medicines due to my constitution and morbid obesity. When I got really stressed I would pop bar after bar (term for 2MG tablets, the highest dose available) until I had taken 7 or 8. For anybody who doesn't know, 1 or 2 bars is enough to put most people in to a deep sleep from which they can't wake up for quite a few hours, or at the very least put them in a zombie like state in which they won't remember anything later. I could take 7 or 8 and drive from St. Louis to Indianapolis and still be fine. The problem was, once I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up when I needed to go to the bathroom. I'd almost say the stress is better. In any case, I don't really want to add any more pills to my daily cocktail. I do still need them sometimes, but I haven't asked my doctor for them or taken one in a couple of years.
I don't do any kind of drugs, I'm not even into marijuana. I'm not against it, I just don't like personally smoking it. That's a whole different post. It would probably be good for me, it's just not my thing. I don't drink, I haven't been drunk in years. I enjoy my pain pills more than I should, but that's my only vice. When I don't hurt I'm in a great mood usually, they are better for my depression than my anti-depressants. I have trouble taking only two a day.
I haven't touched on the reason I decided to write this post yet. I've been thinking about this for months now. I want to be excited again. I was just lying in bed and I realized, this is probably my "mid-life crisis". I remember how excited I used to be about gaming. I used to stay up all night playing Gemstone III (a text based online multi-player fantasy RPG, one of the first really). I had so much fun. I used to roleplay and adventure and find new items and get experience and levels. I had a blast. Then I played the original Everquest, then Everquest II. I made so many friends, and always had something to look forward to. I had such a feeling of wonder as I explored new areas and my character became more powerful.
I just can't get in to games like that anymore. I've tried playing some of the best. I've tried going back to the originals, Gemstone III, Everquest, Everquest II. I've tried some of the most popular like World of Warcraft. I've tried some of the newest like Final Fantasy XIV and Shadows of Mordor and Skyrim. I've even tried games that are very similar to the old ones but with new graphics like Legend of Grimrock. I enjoy them a lot for a couple of days. They are awesome games. But I don't feel that *magic* that I used to feel. I'm not enthralled, I'm not sucked in. I *want* to be! I'm just not. I don't know why. I'm not really bored by them, they are fun. I just don't get "hooked". After a few days I just stop playing. I remember the way games used to make me feel, and it just isn't there.
Then I realized that this not only applies to games. I used to be so excited by sex. Every once in a while it still happens, but it is very rare. I have an amazing wife, it isn't her fault. I just don't feel it like I used to. I *want* to. Of course I do.
Maybe it's all of the medications I'm on. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the fact that my weight has finally caught up with me.
The only possible fix I see is to try to lose weight. I've already started that journey. This time feels different. This time feels like it will work. It isn't just a diet this time. I'm not doing this just so I can look good. I'm doing this so I can feel good. I'm doing this so I don't die. It's been a month now of eating healthy. I still have pizza once a week or so, and we get fast food two or three times a month. That's probably why it feels different, and I believe it will work. I'm not depriving myself when I really want something. The only thing I cut out completely is regular soda. My diet mostly consists of non-fat greek yogurt, salads, soups, and fresh meats and vegetables. I was at 359 pounds when I went to the doctor yesterday. That is a loss of 10 pounds in one month. I was hoping for more, but you know what? I'll take it. When I think about it as, "that would be 120 pounds in a year, that is fucking amazing!", it sounds a lot better. I was 420 pounds back at my heaviest, so I'm actually down about 60 pounds right now.
Losing weight will get me off of some of the medicines. Losing weight will allow me to get outside and enjoy *real* life more. It will probably increase my enjoyment of life overall, so that I might even get back in to gaming. More responsibly, of course, so that I don't put the weight back on. Losing weight will definitely bring back the enjoyment of sex, especially if my wife and I both lose weight.
I have to do this for myself. I have to do this for my amazing and loving wife. I have to do this for my gorgeous and perfect 11 month old German Shepherd, who brightens up my day every time I see her. I have to do this for my parents, who have supported me through all of my bullshit and don't want to see me die.
I can't begin to sum up the last three years in one post, so I won't even really try. I'll just focus on the way I feel right now. It probably seems like I'm a miserable person to anybody who reads this. I don't think that is really the case. I just write here when I don't have any other way to vent my emotions. That's what journals are for, right? When I'm happy, I can vent easily. Yeah, I do think it is possible to "vent" happy emotions. It is just called showing joy. That's easy. Showing pain, not so much.
So I just swallowed a handful of pills. Don't take that the wrong way. They are all doctor prescribed, I'm not talking about an OD or anything. I literally have to take a handful of pills twice a day to try to NOT die. I'm tempted to delete the first line of this paragraph because I wasn't trying to scare anybody, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it. Every day I have to take 5 pills for diabetes (Metformin and Actos), 3 for depression (Depakote and Paxil), 1 for blood pressure (Lisinopril), 1 for cholesterol (Lipitor), and 2 for pain (Vicodin). That's 12 pills a day. I'm freaking 34 years old.
I should probably be on anti-anxiety medicine too, but I've had bad experiences with Xanax in the past. I'm pretty resistant to it, as I am just about all medicines due to my constitution and morbid obesity. When I got really stressed I would pop bar after bar (term for 2MG tablets, the highest dose available) until I had taken 7 or 8. For anybody who doesn't know, 1 or 2 bars is enough to put most people in to a deep sleep from which they can't wake up for quite a few hours, or at the very least put them in a zombie like state in which they won't remember anything later. I could take 7 or 8 and drive from St. Louis to Indianapolis and still be fine. The problem was, once I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up when I needed to go to the bathroom. I'd almost say the stress is better. In any case, I don't really want to add any more pills to my daily cocktail. I do still need them sometimes, but I haven't asked my doctor for them or taken one in a couple of years.
I don't do any kind of drugs, I'm not even into marijuana. I'm not against it, I just don't like personally smoking it. That's a whole different post. It would probably be good for me, it's just not my thing. I don't drink, I haven't been drunk in years. I enjoy my pain pills more than I should, but that's my only vice. When I don't hurt I'm in a great mood usually, they are better for my depression than my anti-depressants. I have trouble taking only two a day.
I haven't touched on the reason I decided to write this post yet. I've been thinking about this for months now. I want to be excited again. I was just lying in bed and I realized, this is probably my "mid-life crisis". I remember how excited I used to be about gaming. I used to stay up all night playing Gemstone III (a text based online multi-player fantasy RPG, one of the first really). I had so much fun. I used to roleplay and adventure and find new items and get experience and levels. I had a blast. Then I played the original Everquest, then Everquest II. I made so many friends, and always had something to look forward to. I had such a feeling of wonder as I explored new areas and my character became more powerful.
I just can't get in to games like that anymore. I've tried playing some of the best. I've tried going back to the originals, Gemstone III, Everquest, Everquest II. I've tried some of the most popular like World of Warcraft. I've tried some of the newest like Final Fantasy XIV and Shadows of Mordor and Skyrim. I've even tried games that are very similar to the old ones but with new graphics like Legend of Grimrock. I enjoy them a lot for a couple of days. They are awesome games. But I don't feel that *magic* that I used to feel. I'm not enthralled, I'm not sucked in. I *want* to be! I'm just not. I don't know why. I'm not really bored by them, they are fun. I just don't get "hooked". After a few days I just stop playing. I remember the way games used to make me feel, and it just isn't there.
Then I realized that this not only applies to games. I used to be so excited by sex. Every once in a while it still happens, but it is very rare. I have an amazing wife, it isn't her fault. I just don't feel it like I used to. I *want* to. Of course I do.
Maybe it's all of the medications I'm on. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the fact that my weight has finally caught up with me.
The only possible fix I see is to try to lose weight. I've already started that journey. This time feels different. This time feels like it will work. It isn't just a diet this time. I'm not doing this just so I can look good. I'm doing this so I can feel good. I'm doing this so I don't die. It's been a month now of eating healthy. I still have pizza once a week or so, and we get fast food two or three times a month. That's probably why it feels different, and I believe it will work. I'm not depriving myself when I really want something. The only thing I cut out completely is regular soda. My diet mostly consists of non-fat greek yogurt, salads, soups, and fresh meats and vegetables. I was at 359 pounds when I went to the doctor yesterday. That is a loss of 10 pounds in one month. I was hoping for more, but you know what? I'll take it. When I think about it as, "that would be 120 pounds in a year, that is fucking amazing!", it sounds a lot better. I was 420 pounds back at my heaviest, so I'm actually down about 60 pounds right now.
Losing weight will get me off of some of the medicines. Losing weight will allow me to get outside and enjoy *real* life more. It will probably increase my enjoyment of life overall, so that I might even get back in to gaming. More responsibly, of course, so that I don't put the weight back on. Losing weight will definitely bring back the enjoyment of sex, especially if my wife and I both lose weight.
I have to do this for myself. I have to do this for my amazing and loving wife. I have to do this for my gorgeous and perfect 11 month old German Shepherd, who brightens up my day every time I see her. I have to do this for my parents, who have supported me through all of my bullshit and don't want to see me die.