(no subject)
I haven't posted in a while, and I haven't been talking to anybody really that much lately...except myself, in a way. I've been taking some time to do some thinking. Some really serious thinking, the kind that changes your life. Ya know? Some of the things I thought about were like whoa, seriously. I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life anymore. Ever since I was little, I always knew what I wanted to do. My mindset has never changed, till now. I've always been one to stick with what I aim for, but recently I can't keep it together.
I've been doing better with my depressed/drama episodes. Like it isn't as serious as it sounds, but like I hate myself when I do it. I get all depressed when things happen or people do stuff that upsets me. Of course you get weird when upset, but the thing is that I've been getting upset over things that shouldn't make a person that way. I guess some of the emotions have been jealousy, which is a very bad thing. I've never been jealous in my life until this year. I swear, you women are dangerous. You bring out the inner "man" in us*LOL* Well, the whole thing that annoys me the most about these depressed fits I have is that I become such a weak person. It's like, when I get like this, I have to have attention all the time or get all childish. I get jealous, stupid and just act like a complete (sorry in advance, but this is the only word that can describe it) jackass. Sorry for saying that, but that is the only word. I treat people horribly, and I act so pathetic. Best example would be a little kid in a toy store throwing a tantrum because I can't have the cool little toy. It so annoys me when I do it, and I don't even realize when I do it until someone clues me in. Then I feel so horrible and feel bad for myself, which is pathetic too. I'm tired of being like that. I want to be free of that.
Something else I've been thinking about is my current relationship. I'm actually at a loss for words in a way. I'm not sure what to do, and I don't even like talk/thinking about it anymore. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm trapped with my back to the wall. In a relationship, I need this feeling or emotion for it to work. The problem is, I'm not getting this emotion. And I can't just like tell a person what to do to give it to me, nor would I want to tell someone. I want it to be natural, untouched. One of the reasons I've wanted to think is because of this. Because of this feeling, or lack of, has made me frightened and confused. And when I'm like this, I can't be in a relationship, or things will get bad. It will start to change me, and how I act. How I react to people and what life throws at me changes to badness. I don't want to say too much in fear of hurting someone, but I don't know how much more I can handle.
Another thing I've been thinking about has been life and what I want to do with it. Luckily, I haven't had any suicide thoughts. I haven't in a while. And I'm so thankful for that, but in turn I've not been living right. I've "left" my real friends. The ones that truely are my friends that love me and care about me, and have started hanging around the wrong ones. The ones that have gotten me to do things I don't like, and definitly shouldn't be doing. Oh, I enjoy doing these things when I'm doing them, but afterward I feel horrible. And it isn't sex or anything. I've been able to fight off those feelings and temptations well. I'm so happy for that. I've made that mistake once already, and it landed me into some serious trouble. I've had and taken the chance to start over, at least in purity of spirit. I'm going to keep this gift until the right time. I'm not going to just throw it away like it's a worthless piece of trash like last time. Now I have to get away from this life I'm living. Get away from all the bad things. The things that I know my Father hates me to do.
I've drawn so far away from God lately. I don't pray anymore. I don't read my bible anymore. I don't even get to go to church anymore because of work. I've let work get in the way of things. I've been doing things I said I'd never do, and let a life of horrible sin take me over. I quit smoking a while back, but even now I've let it take me over. I'm killing my body. I'm killing my body and my soul from the time I wake up to the time I lay my head down to sleep. And now I'm tired of it. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, and nearly coughing myself to death. I'm tired of acting all innocent at home, and then being a horrible person when I go to work. I want to be my old self. The real me. The Brandon everyone liked and loved. The one my little cousins looked up to. What kind of example am I showing them? I've even become the thing I hate the most, a hypocrite. How can I tell someone not to do this and that, when I go around the corner and do it myself? How can I expect for people to resepect me when I don't do what is right?
Just recently, I talked with a very dear friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in over a month. We used to talk for hours on the phone, which is a big thing considering I hate talking on the phone. You know, she couldn't take talking to me more than 30 minutes, and it was the first time we've talked in over a month? Why? Because I changed so much. I've changed into such a horrible person, that my real friends don't like being around or even talk to me. And when I do get the chance to hang out with my real friends, I've changed so much that I feel I don't even fit in. That I don't even belong there.
Well all that is going to change. I'm ready to be Brandon again. The real Brandon, who was sweet and caring. Always wanting to go out on a limb to help someone, no matter how big or small. The Brandon that loved life and everything it had for him. This is going to be a big change back, but I'm ready. Of course, I won't be able to do it myself. I'm going to need serious help from God and my friends. I'm ready. I'm ready to be me again.
Well, I guess if you've read all this...you've got to be like dang. But well, I've had time to think, and some mighty big thinking I've done. I love all you guys and gals. I really do, and I hope to be your Brandon again soon.
I've been doing better with my depressed/drama episodes. Like it isn't as serious as it sounds, but like I hate myself when I do it. I get all depressed when things happen or people do stuff that upsets me. Of course you get weird when upset, but the thing is that I've been getting upset over things that shouldn't make a person that way. I guess some of the emotions have been jealousy, which is a very bad thing. I've never been jealous in my life until this year. I swear, you women are dangerous. You bring out the inner "man" in us*LOL* Well, the whole thing that annoys me the most about these depressed fits I have is that I become such a weak person. It's like, when I get like this, I have to have attention all the time or get all childish. I get jealous, stupid and just act like a complete (sorry in advance, but this is the only word that can describe it) jackass. Sorry for saying that, but that is the only word. I treat people horribly, and I act so pathetic. Best example would be a little kid in a toy store throwing a tantrum because I can't have the cool little toy. It so annoys me when I do it, and I don't even realize when I do it until someone clues me in. Then I feel so horrible and feel bad for myself, which is pathetic too. I'm tired of being like that. I want to be free of that.
Something else I've been thinking about is my current relationship. I'm actually at a loss for words in a way. I'm not sure what to do, and I don't even like talk/thinking about it anymore. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm trapped with my back to the wall. In a relationship, I need this feeling or emotion for it to work. The problem is, I'm not getting this emotion. And I can't just like tell a person what to do to give it to me, nor would I want to tell someone. I want it to be natural, untouched. One of the reasons I've wanted to think is because of this. Because of this feeling, or lack of, has made me frightened and confused. And when I'm like this, I can't be in a relationship, or things will get bad. It will start to change me, and how I act. How I react to people and what life throws at me changes to badness. I don't want to say too much in fear of hurting someone, but I don't know how much more I can handle.
Another thing I've been thinking about has been life and what I want to do with it. Luckily, I haven't had any suicide thoughts. I haven't in a while. And I'm so thankful for that, but in turn I've not been living right. I've "left" my real friends. The ones that truely are my friends that love me and care about me, and have started hanging around the wrong ones. The ones that have gotten me to do things I don't like, and definitly shouldn't be doing. Oh, I enjoy doing these things when I'm doing them, but afterward I feel horrible. And it isn't sex or anything. I've been able to fight off those feelings and temptations well. I'm so happy for that. I've made that mistake once already, and it landed me into some serious trouble. I've had and taken the chance to start over, at least in purity of spirit. I'm going to keep this gift until the right time. I'm not going to just throw it away like it's a worthless piece of trash like last time. Now I have to get away from this life I'm living. Get away from all the bad things. The things that I know my Father hates me to do.
I've drawn so far away from God lately. I don't pray anymore. I don't read my bible anymore. I don't even get to go to church anymore because of work. I've let work get in the way of things. I've been doing things I said I'd never do, and let a life of horrible sin take me over. I quit smoking a while back, but even now I've let it take me over. I'm killing my body. I'm killing my body and my soul from the time I wake up to the time I lay my head down to sleep. And now I'm tired of it. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, and nearly coughing myself to death. I'm tired of acting all innocent at home, and then being a horrible person when I go to work. I want to be my old self. The real me. The Brandon everyone liked and loved. The one my little cousins looked up to. What kind of example am I showing them? I've even become the thing I hate the most, a hypocrite. How can I tell someone not to do this and that, when I go around the corner and do it myself? How can I expect for people to resepect me when I don't do what is right?
Just recently, I talked with a very dear friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in over a month. We used to talk for hours on the phone, which is a big thing considering I hate talking on the phone. You know, she couldn't take talking to me more than 30 minutes, and it was the first time we've talked in over a month? Why? Because I changed so much. I've changed into such a horrible person, that my real friends don't like being around or even talk to me. And when I do get the chance to hang out with my real friends, I've changed so much that I feel I don't even fit in. That I don't even belong there.
Well all that is going to change. I'm ready to be Brandon again. The real Brandon, who was sweet and caring. Always wanting to go out on a limb to help someone, no matter how big or small. The Brandon that loved life and everything it had for him. This is going to be a big change back, but I'm ready. Of course, I won't be able to do it myself. I'm going to need serious help from God and my friends. I'm ready. I'm ready to be me again.
Well, I guess if you've read all this...you've got to be like dang. But well, I've had time to think, and some mighty big thinking I've done. I love all you guys and gals. I really do, and I hope to be your Brandon again soon.