(( oh the joy of events after watching a sad movie...))
It was finally announced. The good news from the distant man called my father left his lips in a single, hesitant breath. I knew it was coming, but somehow wished it didn't come so i could hold on to my anger longer. I called to thank him for the new years package i received, of which he had no part in because my brother did all of the work. "It's the thought that counts," my brother said. It only counts when there IS a thought. It's been 5 long months since a there's been a phone ring to connect us. Funny how it was mine tonight. So, okay he picked up his phone and had a record breaking 2 minutes and 47 seconds conversation. So what if he was at work, we live hundreds of miles away. I don't know what ive been more angry about: him not calling, not telling me the truth, acting like there was nothing different, saying unmeaningful words, going back on his promises, or making my brother be silent all of this time. Damn it, I want to tell him why ive been so angry, why i refuse to call his wife anything other than "my dad's wife," why i don't want to go live with him, why the fckin hell he's been such a pothole in my road to happiness. Nothing comes out when we talk. I acted surprised and told him i was happy for him after i received the good news. Too bad i knew about it already. i've known for 7 months. Right now, when i'm as vulnerable and emotional as can be am sobless. No, not tearless. There is satisfaction in knowing the truth has been revealed, but extreme disappointment takes over, nonetheless. I'm too smart for him. If i was more naive like he expects me to be, i would have totally forgiven him for everything, been extremely gullible to every word that comes out of his mouth, and accepted everything for what was given. But no. i have to be me and analyze all that he is and all that's given. I'm just me. and he's him. and his wife is his wife. and their new son is, well, their new son.
So i know this is pretty lame compared to all of the everything that's been happening to the world, and other people who are so much worse off than me. not to mention my choice of words are kinda lame too. deal. I've been sittin back and watching things happen, just the observer, as someone put me. That's how i feel. I want to do more, but I'm just worn out. I dont want to deal with anything, and yet they still come for me to deal with. I want to go out and enjoy myself and do unplanned things. lately, im just not up for it. i'm living a dull life and complaining, but my whole self isn't ready to get into the real swing of things. Just too much to sort out. but theres really nothing. alright now its just nonsense. Lame is the word. simply, lame.