Sailing in the Seas of Cheese
A lot of reflection has passed through my mind. I find myself wondering about everyday. Finding out how backwords and 'backwoods' I really am. I realize, through other peoples words and actions, that those who think they know me best know me the least. It could be because I'm more open to a new relationship and promptly close off once someone finds out more than I'm comfortable with.
I've got a new person who's currently very close. Too close. You all know its been years of me saying that that would never happen again, as i'm warped with my constant need for independance crossed with my total fear of abandonment. Although, I've never had anyone this close under the same level of circumstances. We probably have the ideal relationship for me - a strong trust between us, with the spice of uncertainty and intense curiousity, all of which can be overlooked at any given time. Perhaps this is what I've been waiting for, as you all know that my distrust of all other people often override how 'good' they are to me. This time, it may just be mutual.
Its funny how my openness towards them doesnt alarm me in anyway. I'm famous for laughing in the face of the man who calls me a 'cross eyed cunt' and means it, while becoming distraught once another looks at me quizzically. I tend to have mixed up emotions causing me to appear apathetic when really its quite the contrary. My main concern is that until now, everyone I've met, although completely different face, personality, and style, all ends up being rather the same. Its funny how I'd have so many friends I could call, but none I could talk to causing me to find solace in my beloved Shakespeare - falling asleep reciting the Saint Crispins Day speech from Henry V, reinacting scenes from A Midsummer Nights Dream in my room when everyone else is gone or asleep...The person whom I understand best has been dead for many, many years and we've never met. Ideal relationship.
I have to stop being the mother. I've been the caretaker of everyone of my friends. I love doing it, but it caused me to become bitter and resentful as I find the more you do for someone the less they appreciate it. Luckily, this is all changing today. I've known who I am for a very long time. Other people have a problem with knowing me, however, because frankly I'm just all over the place. Its not their fault that I wont allow it. I'm just waiting for some common ground and perhaps some adventure.
I've got a new person who's currently very close. Too close. You all know its been years of me saying that that would never happen again, as i'm warped with my constant need for independance crossed with my total fear of abandonment. Although, I've never had anyone this close under the same level of circumstances. We probably have the ideal relationship for me - a strong trust between us, with the spice of uncertainty and intense curiousity, all of which can be overlooked at any given time. Perhaps this is what I've been waiting for, as you all know that my distrust of all other people often override how 'good' they are to me. This time, it may just be mutual.
Its funny how my openness towards them doesnt alarm me in anyway. I'm famous for laughing in the face of the man who calls me a 'cross eyed cunt' and means it, while becoming distraught once another looks at me quizzically. I tend to have mixed up emotions causing me to appear apathetic when really its quite the contrary. My main concern is that until now, everyone I've met, although completely different face, personality, and style, all ends up being rather the same. Its funny how I'd have so many friends I could call, but none I could talk to causing me to find solace in my beloved Shakespeare - falling asleep reciting the Saint Crispins Day speech from Henry V, reinacting scenes from A Midsummer Nights Dream in my room when everyone else is gone or asleep...The person whom I understand best has been dead for many, many years and we've never met. Ideal relationship.
I have to stop being the mother. I've been the caretaker of everyone of my friends. I love doing it, but it caused me to become bitter and resentful as I find the more you do for someone the less they appreciate it. Luckily, this is all changing today. I've known who I am for a very long time. Other people have a problem with knowing me, however, because frankly I'm just all over the place. Its not their fault that I wont allow it. I'm just waiting for some common ground and perhaps some adventure.