Jakey - Be warned, some of this is unpleasant, so don't read if you can't handle it.
Ok, I think it's time to finally talk about Jake. I have been wanting to update about him for a while but just haven't been able to. So here goes.
You all knew or knew of Jakey. He was the most loyal, brave, loving, affectionate, protective cat ever. His personality was unlike that of any cat I've ever known. I assume that's because of his background.
Jake was killed by a car across the road from our house on the 18th March, 2005.
It was a Friday night. I was on my way home from work at about 7:15pm when I got a call from Alex, which we missed. I called him back and he was at the vet. About 15 minutes before that, two guys had knocked on the door to ask if we owned a black and white cat. He and Jun had raced across to the bush over the road where they said he'd run, after being hit by the car in front of them (the driver of which hadn't bothered to stop). Alex said he thought it was Cleo, cos he didn't think of Jake as black and white (even though Cleo also has orange). As he was running though I guess that's what he looked like. Alex said that when he found the cat a few metres into the bush, and saw it wasn't Cleo he had a moment of relief, before he realised it was Jake.
Jake was still alive. He was hurt pretty badly though. Jun drove to the St Lucia vet and Alex held Jake, in a towel. Apparently he was struggling at first because he was frightened and trying to meow but he couldn't. He soon stopped and just lay there making little noises. Alex said he got weaker and weaker and started pushing his head back, so Alex scratched him under his chin and tried to comfort him. They were almost at the vet when he took a final breath and then he died in Alex's arms.
When they got into the vet he was still moving but it was just nerves. He wasn't breathing, there was no heartbeat and there was nothing the vet could do. They took them to a room to wait, as they were trying to save another patient. When I called back, they'd been at the vet for about five minutes.
Scott and I had been driving towards Kenmore to get some wine for a Friday night post-work piss-up. We immediately turned around and went straight to the vet.
When we got there, we went right into the room. It was the same one that Jake had been in when he went to have his tail examined earlier last year, when it got stuck in the door. It was strange because the last time I was there, I had gone in with Scott, just the same, and Jake had been there, and I'd been really happy because the vet had said that his tail was ok and he'd get full movement and it wasn't broken, just bruised. Now I was back in that room with Jake again but the circumstances were awful.
Jun was crying and trying not to. She had a scrunched up tissue - I think it was blue. Alex was trying to hold it together but I could see he'd been crying too. Scott didn't really know what to say. I went in and Jake was lying there on the towel - not the dark green one he'd come in with, but one the vet gave us. His back leg was torn open, exposing the ligaments and tendons, and he had blood coming out of his mouth. The bottom of his chin was scraped away, probably on the bitchumen, and his hip was swollen. The vet said it was likely his pelvis had been crushed. He was so pale around the nose and lips and she said there had been internal bleeding. I thought his ribs looked a bit funny and considering he hadn't been able to meow properly, and that when he died, blood came out of his mouth, I think maybe he had a punctured lung, but the vet didn't say anything about that.
Alex was patting his head. I didn't know if I should touch him at first, but then I decided to pat him. He was still warm. If I shut my eyes and didn't look at his bloody mouth and his open eyes I could imagine he was still alive. I was trying not to cry but it was hard and I couldn't help it a bit. I wanted to stay in control for the moment though. I tried to shut his eyes but they wouldn't close all the way.
His feet weren't scuffed or scratched at all, which I thought was weird since I'd imagined he had skidded along. I think he actually must have been hit with force and have flown through the air and landed on his chin. Bastard who didn't stop. I think a car must have come over the hill, speeding, because otherwise he would have gotten out of the way. Jake was the most road-savvy cat I've ever known, the one I would have though least likely to ever be hit by a car. He was just so sensible. They must have been speeding. Damned speeders. I hate speeding. But the only way to have prevented something like that would have been to have kept him locked up and he would have lived longer, but in misery. He was such an outside cat and he loved to go over to the bush to explore. He was a free spirit. You couldn't have locked him up, it would have been cruel. So I'm glad he got almost five years of life, free; as opposed to ten, fifteen, twenty, locked up.
So I looked at his feet, anyway. I could see the little flap of skin from where he'd torn up his toe, when we still lived in Annerley. He'd broken the claw in half and ripped the side of his toe. It healed by itself but it took ages and the toe never came back together on the side. He just had this furry little flap of skin that you could twiddle if he'd let you. His tail was the same, nothing had happened to it. It was so thick and had such dense fur. He had the nicest tail of any cat I've ever known. Some cats have skinny tails like Marmy, and some have fluffy tails, like Cleo, but Jakes was just thick and full all the way to the tip. The stripes always reminded me of a racoon. His fur was the same all over his body. Different to all the other cats fur, just really dense. I swear, he was almost waterproof. Beautiful.
So I patted him and Alex patted him. Scott waited either outside or by the door. Jun alternated between sniffing in her chair or sniffing whilst standing and looking at Jakey. Everyone was miserable. Alex's parent's came to the vet and then we all left. Jun and Scott went home to get shoes and to get petrol, and Alex and I, and Jo and Peter drove first to Sunnybrae (Alex's parent's house) to get appropriate clothes for Peter to dig in, and then on to Kuraby. We met Jun, Scott and Keira there. Keira had arrived at our house just as it had happened and she'd known Jake well so we thought it was appropriate to invite her.
Alex held Jake, covered in the towel from the vet (pale pale blue). Scott did most of the digging, over beside where we buried Nimbus, in the front corner of the front yard. Peter helped. The rest of us tried to take our minds off things by making jokes about the spider that was trying to come down into the beam of the headlights and onto Jo's head but every so often someone would tell some anecdote about Jake and we'd try to laugh about it but I'd just feel like crying. I think everyone else did too. Everyone was being really nice to me but I felt like they should be more caring to Alex. I mean, Jake was my cat in name, but he was Alex's cat too. He spent a good portion of his life living with Alex and Alex really was his favourite person, even above me. They had a bond. And Alex was there when he died too, which would have been awful. But mostly everyone was focussing their niceness on me.
Alex went to help with the digging or something and I held Jake. He was so heavy. I'd never really thought about it before but any other time I'd held him he had been also holding onto me. This was the first time I'd borne all of his weight without him hanging over my shoudler or something. It was the first time I'd cradled him. Cleo likes to be held like a baby but Jake wouldn't stand for it. He wasn't a baby and wouldn't be held like one. He wanted to be sitting or leaning, but in fact, he didn't much like to be held at all. He preferred to come to sit or stand or lie on you himself. He was very adult. When I first held him the towel fell off from over his paw, and it just was sticking up in my face. I nearly was done in then. Alex came over when I called him and covered it up again. It was getting stiff by then and it just made it too real I think.
The hole was finished and then it was time to put Jake in. I wanted to do it but I couldn't. Alex took him from me and laid him in gently. He asked if I wanted to say anything. I couldn't. I knew that if I stood there next to Jake's grave in the beam of the headlights with everyone looking at me, feeling bad for me and for themselves and for Jake, with Alex next to me, and tried to eulogise, I'd just break down. It reminded me of Nimbus's funeral so much. I hadn't been able to say anything then either, and Alex had done it. He did it again. I don't remember exactly what he said... just stuff about how Jake was a wonderful, loving cat unlike any other and that he would always be missed. About how it was right that he was back at Kuraby where he spent a lot of his happy life. (As opposed to his unhappy life, just one street over). I felt a big lump in my throat but refused to let it out.
Then he took the shovel and started to very very gently layer the soil over Jake. The dirt was kind of lumpy but he was so gentle. I really was glad about that. It made it seem less like he was being buried and more like he was just being laid to rest. I would have hated for the last memory to be that of dirt being chucked on top of him. I'd thought that one day someone might find him and know who he was, so he had his collar on. Then I remembered later that I'd recently replaced it (again) and hadn't gotten him a new tag yet, so he only had a nameless collar and a microchip. I wonder, if someone finds him one day, if they'll find the microchip and be able to figure out who he was. Nimbus was buried just with his collar too, no microchip even. He was too little to even be wearing the collar yet. It was red as well. Jake's collar was always red. It's hard walking past them in the shop now. The number of red collars I bought for him... he was always getting stuck places and slipping out of them (thank goodness for the piece of elastic) so he could get away and come back home. He always came home.
As Alex was putting the soil on, I remembered Kristy and Susie telling me about the time Jake scared them by sticking his paw under their door and waving it while meowing 'Her-row!' (Hello). I told that to everyone and that gave everyone a chuckle and allowed them (and me) to get a bit more under control. Then I found a chocolate in my bag and shared it around a bit. Keira had brought some jumpers in case we were cold (thoughtful of her) and so I gave the one I'd been wearing back, and we all departed.
Jun, Alex, Scott and I went to a bottle-o and got a big cask of wine and then went to Domino's for pizza and to Video Ezy for some dvds. We decided to have a wake. When we got home, Alex2 was still there and so he and Scott got drunk and sang loud songs. Jun ate some pizza immediately and went to her room to wallow. I went to my room and alternately cuddled Marmalade and Cleo and wallowed. Alex had a shower (I think he couldn't stand being unwashed after Jake had died in his arms... some of his clothes had blood on them and his neck had a scratch that Jake had made when he first picked him up). He wallowed in the shower, then he came downstairs and wallowed with me. Later, we went up and hung out with Jun, eating pizza. She fell asleep and Alex and I, exhausted from the evening, went to his bed and conked out. Neither of us wanted to sleep alone.
We cried quite a bit in that bed that weekend. That first night, I did a lot of comforting him... getting over the initial horror of having seen Jake die like that. The next day he comforted me a lot, getting used to missing Jake. Sunday we both comforted each other. On Saturday night we had our belated piss-up. Alex and I spent the day on my verandah... I pulled out candles and such for the evening as he's allergic to fluro lights. We watched first season L Word episodes on his laptop, out there in the warmth on the verandah. Keira came over and left and came back. We had long discussions about reincarnation, if you could be both a Christian and a Buddhist (which I consider myself, to a degree). Keira annoyed me with her hypocrisy and narrow mindedness at times, but mostly I think the discussions were beneficial to my state of mind.
I was worried about where Jake was and what he was doing. When Nimbus died I ranted at the world, and at God, but I still believed he'd gone to Heaven. With Grandma, I was still sure she'd gone to Heaven and was happy for her because it's what she wanted. With Jake though... he died at a time when my beliefs had evolved a bit. I wasn't sure if he was in Heaven. Maybe he was being reborn into a new life, so he could learn his next lesson?
Jun had a dream on Saturday. She said she felt very drugged out and so went to sleep (although she hadn't had any medication to make her tired). She had a dream in which Jake said to her sort of telepathically (in that she knew he said it but didn't hear a voice per se) "tell my mummy I'm alright". I don't think Jake would call me 'Mummy' but I know that that is how Jun refers to the owners of pets and so I think that her brain grasped the concept in the way she conceptualises things so that makes sense. Anyway, she said to Jake in the dream, "How do I know that is really Jake?". And so he showed her a picture of a dog and that was it.
So Jun came downstairs to Alex and I (we were wallowing on my bed) and she was still all dopey, stumbling and stuff. And she told us about the dream. I asked what the dog looked like and she said it had a long face with a stripe down it's nose. Now I pictured an Afghan Hound with a brown stripe. I tried to describe it to her but she said no, but couldn't describe it herself. Noone knew of a dog like that so we just let it slide.
The next morning I woke up having had a dream. The only thing I could remember about the dream was a dog with a long face and a stripe down it's nose. I could see the dog very clearly and so I spoke to Jun when she came downstairs later. I didn't want to taint her memory of her dream, so I asked her about the dog without telling her I'd had a dream. She told me the stripe was white (it was) and the dog had very short hair (it did) and finally she said that it had looked like a horse, but she'd known it was a dog. That was the clincher. I had thought, in the dream, that it looked like a horse but somehow I knew it was a dog. Her description and the dog from my dream matched perfectly and so I told her about my dream. She was stoked that I understood what she meant by 'dog that looked like a horse' and was very excited that Jakey had sent a message. I have to say, I felt quite convinced myself after that. Jun often has dreams like that but I rarely do. Later, Kari had a dream that I was hold a white cat with grey splodges, but nothing more has come of that dream.
I just found it interesting that at the time when I was really worrying that he was ok, in his new life or in Heaven, that that message seemed to come through quite clearly. Now I wonder if the dog is somewhere in my future, or if was just a random image to link Jun's and my dreams together.
On the aspect of his potential new life... we talked about it. If he's not in Heaven/Nirvana, then we figure he must be bloody close. I personally think he's there. I mean, really. He was selfless - asked for nothing but a little food and water, and for a bit of affection. Was happy out of proportion to what he got. Took care of four kittens not his own when their mother got sick of them. Continued to take care of Cleo til his dying day. Taught her diligently all the things he thought were important (cleaning, hunting, rationing food, climbing, cleaning, cleaning, hunting... lol) and never gave up. He rarely killed birds although he easily could and the lizards and mice he caught he only killed if he wanted to eat them (Cleo used to leave them lying around but not Jake). He protected Cleo but also Marmy even though he didn't have to. If he had to put either of them in their place, he did so without claws. He played with Cleo and put up with her being an idiot to him. He cuddled you when you were sad and showed you how much he loved you. He protected his territory without fear but he was generous in allowing others their own places. He lived harmoniously with all the possums and only killed the turkey that tried to hurt him. He caught the babies as gifts for us and hunting practice for Cleo (didn't kill those ones, only the gift was killed). He was infinitely patient with other cats and with people... there was always a warning meow if you were pissing him off, rather than an instant slash. Even Pong he put up with for a month of her attacking him before he retailiated - with his claws retracted. He just... never did anything mean, or nasty, or selfish, impatient and he was so loyal, loving, caring and protective. So really, he scored big on the karma.
To me, the thing that stands out to me about his life is his capacity for suffering. He had to suffer a shitty life when he was young. Abandoned, abused, abandoned again... when he was with us, he still suffered. Not emotionally so much as physically. Constantly hurting himself on trees, in fights with other cats, from turkeys, on rocks, getting his tail slammed in the door (and that night, when it was bent and dangling lifeless, he must have been in so much pain... and he was just sitting there cleaning Cleo. Always thinking of others). And the way he died wasn't quick and painless like Nimbus. That was more suffering. But he dealt with all of it without becoming bitter. The issues he had from his abuse and abandonment he got over, every single one - even the fear of going to the vet and being in the car. The last time I took him to the vet he finally got over it and didn't cry. He was just so so happy at last and then he died.
His last ten minutes before the accident were spent cuddling with Alex and Jun on Jun's bed (she let him in her room for some reason that night and she usually didn't) and he was ecstatic, doing his pussy-footing into the pillows and the doona and them and they were just patting him and cuddling him... then he just up and left. It was nearly time for me to come home and one of the cats always met me and so I think it was his turn that night or something. He used to go to the bathroom in the bush and so I think that's what he was doing before he got hit, crossing back to come and wait for me.
I think maybe he'd finished learning what he could, particularly about suffering, and all he had to do was suffer that one last time and then he was done. I think he's in Heaven now. I hope so.
I think he was also here to teach... to teach me, and Alex, Jun, and the other cats and he did that as well. I also really think that his death made me reassess a lot of things I wouldn't have otherwise thought of and so as always, everything has a purpose. God doesn't let things happen randomly... he has things happen so we can learn from them and grow, so we can eventually reach Nirvana and be with him.
At least, that's what I believe. I believe that Jake is up there with him now... or maybe one day he'll be reborn to just come down and be a teacher. I hope I meet him one day. And I'll always be on the look out for that horse-like dog with the white stripe down it's nose.
I love my Jakey, even if he's not with me in the physical sense anymore. I'm so glad I got my time with him and that I could help him to be happy and to grow for the time he was with us.
But I miss him so much!!
You all knew or knew of Jakey. He was the most loyal, brave, loving, affectionate, protective cat ever. His personality was unlike that of any cat I've ever known. I assume that's because of his background.
Jake was killed by a car across the road from our house on the 18th March, 2005.
It was a Friday night. I was on my way home from work at about 7:15pm when I got a call from Alex, which we missed. I called him back and he was at the vet. About 15 minutes before that, two guys had knocked on the door to ask if we owned a black and white cat. He and Jun had raced across to the bush over the road where they said he'd run, after being hit by the car in front of them (the driver of which hadn't bothered to stop). Alex said he thought it was Cleo, cos he didn't think of Jake as black and white (even though Cleo also has orange). As he was running though I guess that's what he looked like. Alex said that when he found the cat a few metres into the bush, and saw it wasn't Cleo he had a moment of relief, before he realised it was Jake.
Jake was still alive. He was hurt pretty badly though. Jun drove to the St Lucia vet and Alex held Jake, in a towel. Apparently he was struggling at first because he was frightened and trying to meow but he couldn't. He soon stopped and just lay there making little noises. Alex said he got weaker and weaker and started pushing his head back, so Alex scratched him under his chin and tried to comfort him. They were almost at the vet when he took a final breath and then he died in Alex's arms.
When they got into the vet he was still moving but it was just nerves. He wasn't breathing, there was no heartbeat and there was nothing the vet could do. They took them to a room to wait, as they were trying to save another patient. When I called back, they'd been at the vet for about five minutes.
Scott and I had been driving towards Kenmore to get some wine for a Friday night post-work piss-up. We immediately turned around and went straight to the vet.
When we got there, we went right into the room. It was the same one that Jake had been in when he went to have his tail examined earlier last year, when it got stuck in the door. It was strange because the last time I was there, I had gone in with Scott, just the same, and Jake had been there, and I'd been really happy because the vet had said that his tail was ok and he'd get full movement and it wasn't broken, just bruised. Now I was back in that room with Jake again but the circumstances were awful.
Jun was crying and trying not to. She had a scrunched up tissue - I think it was blue. Alex was trying to hold it together but I could see he'd been crying too. Scott didn't really know what to say. I went in and Jake was lying there on the towel - not the dark green one he'd come in with, but one the vet gave us. His back leg was torn open, exposing the ligaments and tendons, and he had blood coming out of his mouth. The bottom of his chin was scraped away, probably on the bitchumen, and his hip was swollen. The vet said it was likely his pelvis had been crushed. He was so pale around the nose and lips and she said there had been internal bleeding. I thought his ribs looked a bit funny and considering he hadn't been able to meow properly, and that when he died, blood came out of his mouth, I think maybe he had a punctured lung, but the vet didn't say anything about that.
Alex was patting his head. I didn't know if I should touch him at first, but then I decided to pat him. He was still warm. If I shut my eyes and didn't look at his bloody mouth and his open eyes I could imagine he was still alive. I was trying not to cry but it was hard and I couldn't help it a bit. I wanted to stay in control for the moment though. I tried to shut his eyes but they wouldn't close all the way.
His feet weren't scuffed or scratched at all, which I thought was weird since I'd imagined he had skidded along. I think he actually must have been hit with force and have flown through the air and landed on his chin. Bastard who didn't stop. I think a car must have come over the hill, speeding, because otherwise he would have gotten out of the way. Jake was the most road-savvy cat I've ever known, the one I would have though least likely to ever be hit by a car. He was just so sensible. They must have been speeding. Damned speeders. I hate speeding. But the only way to have prevented something like that would have been to have kept him locked up and he would have lived longer, but in misery. He was such an outside cat and he loved to go over to the bush to explore. He was a free spirit. You couldn't have locked him up, it would have been cruel. So I'm glad he got almost five years of life, free; as opposed to ten, fifteen, twenty, locked up.
So I looked at his feet, anyway. I could see the little flap of skin from where he'd torn up his toe, when we still lived in Annerley. He'd broken the claw in half and ripped the side of his toe. It healed by itself but it took ages and the toe never came back together on the side. He just had this furry little flap of skin that you could twiddle if he'd let you. His tail was the same, nothing had happened to it. It was so thick and had such dense fur. He had the nicest tail of any cat I've ever known. Some cats have skinny tails like Marmy, and some have fluffy tails, like Cleo, but Jakes was just thick and full all the way to the tip. The stripes always reminded me of a racoon. His fur was the same all over his body. Different to all the other cats fur, just really dense. I swear, he was almost waterproof. Beautiful.
So I patted him and Alex patted him. Scott waited either outside or by the door. Jun alternated between sniffing in her chair or sniffing whilst standing and looking at Jakey. Everyone was miserable. Alex's parent's came to the vet and then we all left. Jun and Scott went home to get shoes and to get petrol, and Alex and I, and Jo and Peter drove first to Sunnybrae (Alex's parent's house) to get appropriate clothes for Peter to dig in, and then on to Kuraby. We met Jun, Scott and Keira there. Keira had arrived at our house just as it had happened and she'd known Jake well so we thought it was appropriate to invite her.
Alex held Jake, covered in the towel from the vet (pale pale blue). Scott did most of the digging, over beside where we buried Nimbus, in the front corner of the front yard. Peter helped. The rest of us tried to take our minds off things by making jokes about the spider that was trying to come down into the beam of the headlights and onto Jo's head but every so often someone would tell some anecdote about Jake and we'd try to laugh about it but I'd just feel like crying. I think everyone else did too. Everyone was being really nice to me but I felt like they should be more caring to Alex. I mean, Jake was my cat in name, but he was Alex's cat too. He spent a good portion of his life living with Alex and Alex really was his favourite person, even above me. They had a bond. And Alex was there when he died too, which would have been awful. But mostly everyone was focussing their niceness on me.
Alex went to help with the digging or something and I held Jake. He was so heavy. I'd never really thought about it before but any other time I'd held him he had been also holding onto me. This was the first time I'd borne all of his weight without him hanging over my shoudler or something. It was the first time I'd cradled him. Cleo likes to be held like a baby but Jake wouldn't stand for it. He wasn't a baby and wouldn't be held like one. He wanted to be sitting or leaning, but in fact, he didn't much like to be held at all. He preferred to come to sit or stand or lie on you himself. He was very adult. When I first held him the towel fell off from over his paw, and it just was sticking up in my face. I nearly was done in then. Alex came over when I called him and covered it up again. It was getting stiff by then and it just made it too real I think.
The hole was finished and then it was time to put Jake in. I wanted to do it but I couldn't. Alex took him from me and laid him in gently. He asked if I wanted to say anything. I couldn't. I knew that if I stood there next to Jake's grave in the beam of the headlights with everyone looking at me, feeling bad for me and for themselves and for Jake, with Alex next to me, and tried to eulogise, I'd just break down. It reminded me of Nimbus's funeral so much. I hadn't been able to say anything then either, and Alex had done it. He did it again. I don't remember exactly what he said... just stuff about how Jake was a wonderful, loving cat unlike any other and that he would always be missed. About how it was right that he was back at Kuraby where he spent a lot of his happy life. (As opposed to his unhappy life, just one street over). I felt a big lump in my throat but refused to let it out.
Then he took the shovel and started to very very gently layer the soil over Jake. The dirt was kind of lumpy but he was so gentle. I really was glad about that. It made it seem less like he was being buried and more like he was just being laid to rest. I would have hated for the last memory to be that of dirt being chucked on top of him. I'd thought that one day someone might find him and know who he was, so he had his collar on. Then I remembered later that I'd recently replaced it (again) and hadn't gotten him a new tag yet, so he only had a nameless collar and a microchip. I wonder, if someone finds him one day, if they'll find the microchip and be able to figure out who he was. Nimbus was buried just with his collar too, no microchip even. He was too little to even be wearing the collar yet. It was red as well. Jake's collar was always red. It's hard walking past them in the shop now. The number of red collars I bought for him... he was always getting stuck places and slipping out of them (thank goodness for the piece of elastic) so he could get away and come back home. He always came home.
As Alex was putting the soil on, I remembered Kristy and Susie telling me about the time Jake scared them by sticking his paw under their door and waving it while meowing 'Her-row!' (Hello). I told that to everyone and that gave everyone a chuckle and allowed them (and me) to get a bit more under control. Then I found a chocolate in my bag and shared it around a bit. Keira had brought some jumpers in case we were cold (thoughtful of her) and so I gave the one I'd been wearing back, and we all departed.
Jun, Alex, Scott and I went to a bottle-o and got a big cask of wine and then went to Domino's for pizza and to Video Ezy for some dvds. We decided to have a wake. When we got home, Alex2 was still there and so he and Scott got drunk and sang loud songs. Jun ate some pizza immediately and went to her room to wallow. I went to my room and alternately cuddled Marmalade and Cleo and wallowed. Alex had a shower (I think he couldn't stand being unwashed after Jake had died in his arms... some of his clothes had blood on them and his neck had a scratch that Jake had made when he first picked him up). He wallowed in the shower, then he came downstairs and wallowed with me. Later, we went up and hung out with Jun, eating pizza. She fell asleep and Alex and I, exhausted from the evening, went to his bed and conked out. Neither of us wanted to sleep alone.
We cried quite a bit in that bed that weekend. That first night, I did a lot of comforting him... getting over the initial horror of having seen Jake die like that. The next day he comforted me a lot, getting used to missing Jake. Sunday we both comforted each other. On Saturday night we had our belated piss-up. Alex and I spent the day on my verandah... I pulled out candles and such for the evening as he's allergic to fluro lights. We watched first season L Word episodes on his laptop, out there in the warmth on the verandah. Keira came over and left and came back. We had long discussions about reincarnation, if you could be both a Christian and a Buddhist (which I consider myself, to a degree). Keira annoyed me with her hypocrisy and narrow mindedness at times, but mostly I think the discussions were beneficial to my state of mind.
I was worried about where Jake was and what he was doing. When Nimbus died I ranted at the world, and at God, but I still believed he'd gone to Heaven. With Grandma, I was still sure she'd gone to Heaven and was happy for her because it's what she wanted. With Jake though... he died at a time when my beliefs had evolved a bit. I wasn't sure if he was in Heaven. Maybe he was being reborn into a new life, so he could learn his next lesson?
Jun had a dream on Saturday. She said she felt very drugged out and so went to sleep (although she hadn't had any medication to make her tired). She had a dream in which Jake said to her sort of telepathically (in that she knew he said it but didn't hear a voice per se) "tell my mummy I'm alright". I don't think Jake would call me 'Mummy' but I know that that is how Jun refers to the owners of pets and so I think that her brain grasped the concept in the way she conceptualises things so that makes sense. Anyway, she said to Jake in the dream, "How do I know that is really Jake?". And so he showed her a picture of a dog and that was it.
So Jun came downstairs to Alex and I (we were wallowing on my bed) and she was still all dopey, stumbling and stuff. And she told us about the dream. I asked what the dog looked like and she said it had a long face with a stripe down it's nose. Now I pictured an Afghan Hound with a brown stripe. I tried to describe it to her but she said no, but couldn't describe it herself. Noone knew of a dog like that so we just let it slide.
The next morning I woke up having had a dream. The only thing I could remember about the dream was a dog with a long face and a stripe down it's nose. I could see the dog very clearly and so I spoke to Jun when she came downstairs later. I didn't want to taint her memory of her dream, so I asked her about the dog without telling her I'd had a dream. She told me the stripe was white (it was) and the dog had very short hair (it did) and finally she said that it had looked like a horse, but she'd known it was a dog. That was the clincher. I had thought, in the dream, that it looked like a horse but somehow I knew it was a dog. Her description and the dog from my dream matched perfectly and so I told her about my dream. She was stoked that I understood what she meant by 'dog that looked like a horse' and was very excited that Jakey had sent a message. I have to say, I felt quite convinced myself after that. Jun often has dreams like that but I rarely do. Later, Kari had a dream that I was hold a white cat with grey splodges, but nothing more has come of that dream.
I just found it interesting that at the time when I was really worrying that he was ok, in his new life or in Heaven, that that message seemed to come through quite clearly. Now I wonder if the dog is somewhere in my future, or if was just a random image to link Jun's and my dreams together.
On the aspect of his potential new life... we talked about it. If he's not in Heaven/Nirvana, then we figure he must be bloody close. I personally think he's there. I mean, really. He was selfless - asked for nothing but a little food and water, and for a bit of affection. Was happy out of proportion to what he got. Took care of four kittens not his own when their mother got sick of them. Continued to take care of Cleo til his dying day. Taught her diligently all the things he thought were important (cleaning, hunting, rationing food, climbing, cleaning, cleaning, hunting... lol) and never gave up. He rarely killed birds although he easily could and the lizards and mice he caught he only killed if he wanted to eat them (Cleo used to leave them lying around but not Jake). He protected Cleo but also Marmy even though he didn't have to. If he had to put either of them in their place, he did so without claws. He played with Cleo and put up with her being an idiot to him. He cuddled you when you were sad and showed you how much he loved you. He protected his territory without fear but he was generous in allowing others their own places. He lived harmoniously with all the possums and only killed the turkey that tried to hurt him. He caught the babies as gifts for us and hunting practice for Cleo (didn't kill those ones, only the gift was killed). He was infinitely patient with other cats and with people... there was always a warning meow if you were pissing him off, rather than an instant slash. Even Pong he put up with for a month of her attacking him before he retailiated - with his claws retracted. He just... never did anything mean, or nasty, or selfish, impatient and he was so loyal, loving, caring and protective. So really, he scored big on the karma.
To me, the thing that stands out to me about his life is his capacity for suffering. He had to suffer a shitty life when he was young. Abandoned, abused, abandoned again... when he was with us, he still suffered. Not emotionally so much as physically. Constantly hurting himself on trees, in fights with other cats, from turkeys, on rocks, getting his tail slammed in the door (and that night, when it was bent and dangling lifeless, he must have been in so much pain... and he was just sitting there cleaning Cleo. Always thinking of others). And the way he died wasn't quick and painless like Nimbus. That was more suffering. But he dealt with all of it without becoming bitter. The issues he had from his abuse and abandonment he got over, every single one - even the fear of going to the vet and being in the car. The last time I took him to the vet he finally got over it and didn't cry. He was just so so happy at last and then he died.
His last ten minutes before the accident were spent cuddling with Alex and Jun on Jun's bed (she let him in her room for some reason that night and she usually didn't) and he was ecstatic, doing his pussy-footing into the pillows and the doona and them and they were just patting him and cuddling him... then he just up and left. It was nearly time for me to come home and one of the cats always met me and so I think it was his turn that night or something. He used to go to the bathroom in the bush and so I think that's what he was doing before he got hit, crossing back to come and wait for me.
I think maybe he'd finished learning what he could, particularly about suffering, and all he had to do was suffer that one last time and then he was done. I think he's in Heaven now. I hope so.
I think he was also here to teach... to teach me, and Alex, Jun, and the other cats and he did that as well. I also really think that his death made me reassess a lot of things I wouldn't have otherwise thought of and so as always, everything has a purpose. God doesn't let things happen randomly... he has things happen so we can learn from them and grow, so we can eventually reach Nirvana and be with him.
At least, that's what I believe. I believe that Jake is up there with him now... or maybe one day he'll be reborn to just come down and be a teacher. I hope I meet him one day. And I'll always be on the look out for that horse-like dog with the white stripe down it's nose.
I love my Jakey, even if he's not with me in the physical sense anymore. I'm so glad I got my time with him and that I could help him to be happy and to grow for the time he was with us.
But I miss him so much!!