(no subject)
so, the night wasnt as awkward as I was afraid it would be.... John was cool and normal, not awkward at all. karen left, and john stayed, i got really excited. i mean, surely that was a good sign...
i didnt know how to get Kevin out though. and then i started thinking, 'what if John only stayed behind to talk, to tell me that this all has to stop, or get upset w me about the text?' so i didnt push kevin to leave.
so john finally got up and said he wanted to head out. I told kevin to leave while john was still in the room, thinking john might wait for kevin to leave and then come back in. but its been at least 15 minutes and theres no sign that hes coming back.
i want to txt him and ask... but what if he was just going to talk to me? i should have made more eye contact or something, but i got scared (i actually got up & went to fiddle with stuff on the other side of the room, which probably sent a mixed msg, like i was ignoring him.)
i promised myself i wouldnt do this anymore....
i also had a txt convo w frank today. weve been sending pics of our pets back and forth (he started it) and today we progressed to a pic of his dads new house. its been very casual, and amazingly im not freaking out over it. knock on wood.
i had a long convo with steve about The Chase. and why its the reason im shitty with these relationships. looooong story short, i want john and frank cuz i cant have them. im only 'eh' with my feelings for terry because theres no challenge, i dont have to chase him. of course i already knew all of this, but it was interesting to have it laid out in front of me. fucking light bulb.
ok, johns definetely not coming back tonight. i refuse to text him. im determined not to cave. be strong, Mags. just let it go and for once in your life dont be neurotic. *breathe*
im going to read something to take my mind off of it, and just call it a night.
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