We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for.
Marie Ebner von Eschenbach.
My mind does not let me sleep. Damnit.
The past couple weeks have been overall a whole lot of fun, and weird ups and downs in my life. I have been at a pretty good place in my life for the most part, work is going pretty good/I have a job and I make some money and haven't gotten fired. I've kind of been going to school, this is pretty much the first real fuck up week, which is not entirely my fault, for a little while. Missed Monday and Wednesday evening classes, which I did REALLY want to go to. However, I was also sick and my spanish teacher is such a bitch I don't really want to go to her class, mostly because I had woken up late and I knew if I'd walked in late she would not stop giving me shit for it. This paragraph was a bunch of thoughts going through my head all at once.
There are a lot of transitions happening right now and now I feel like I need to embrace them. Mumzi died. Mumzi was my hula teacher/kumu hula/aunty dood's mother. Mumzi wasn't just someone's mother, she was like a grandmama, except much more critical. But for any criticism I have ever received in my life, from her they were sometimes harsh, I never took them as some personal attack, they were sometimes funny. She was always there at every hula lesson and every show. Although she could be critical, her compliments were very touching, especially when concerning what I was working so hard for, especially my chanting and pa'i.
Her funeral was lovely, incorporating much hawaiiana including oli and hula. However the fucking homily, gawd damn I hated this homily. I've sat through quite a few in my day throughout my life having been raised catholic and sent to catholic school, but this was the most gawd awful and boring homily I'd ever heard in my life. Most of it was about living and dying in Jesus or something like that. I couldn't really pay attention for too long it was so bad. Even my mother couldn't pay attention and she will rarely tell me tell if she wasn't paying attention during a homily priding herself in her ability to pay attention to even the most boring things. I do know that there was an allusion to Tolkien, but I couldn't listen anymore, my thoughts were elsewhere.
For some reason I sometimes find myself not wanting to show a lot of emotions about things. Like I need to hide being sad or afraid or hurt or in love. Fuck love. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck love.
The most painful thing in my experience of being queer is not hiding my identity from the world, it's when my crush can't bring himself to admitting to himself or me, although we've hooked up on numerous occasions that he himself is queer or has certain queer tendencies..ie liking boys, kissing boys, sexing boys. I realize that life takes time and I was an early bloomer in our budding sexuality, fuck you we're not kids anymore.
My mind does not let me sleep. Damnit.
The past couple weeks have been overall a whole lot of fun, and weird ups and downs in my life. I have been at a pretty good place in my life for the most part, work is going pretty good/I have a job and I make some money and haven't gotten fired. I've kind of been going to school, this is pretty much the first real fuck up week, which is not entirely my fault, for a little while. Missed Monday and Wednesday evening classes, which I did REALLY want to go to. However, I was also sick and my spanish teacher is such a bitch I don't really want to go to her class, mostly because I had woken up late and I knew if I'd walked in late she would not stop giving me shit for it. This paragraph was a bunch of thoughts going through my head all at once.
There are a lot of transitions happening right now and now I feel like I need to embrace them. Mumzi died. Mumzi was my hula teacher/kumu hula/aunty dood's mother. Mumzi wasn't just someone's mother, she was like a grandmama, except much more critical. But for any criticism I have ever received in my life, from her they were sometimes harsh, I never took them as some personal attack, they were sometimes funny. She was always there at every hula lesson and every show. Although she could be critical, her compliments were very touching, especially when concerning what I was working so hard for, especially my chanting and pa'i.
Her funeral was lovely, incorporating much hawaiiana including oli and hula. However the fucking homily, gawd damn I hated this homily. I've sat through quite a few in my day throughout my life having been raised catholic and sent to catholic school, but this was the most gawd awful and boring homily I'd ever heard in my life. Most of it was about living and dying in Jesus or something like that. I couldn't really pay attention for too long it was so bad. Even my mother couldn't pay attention and she will rarely tell me tell if she wasn't paying attention during a homily priding herself in her ability to pay attention to even the most boring things. I do know that there was an allusion to Tolkien, but I couldn't listen anymore, my thoughts were elsewhere.
For some reason I sometimes find myself not wanting to show a lot of emotions about things. Like I need to hide being sad or afraid or hurt or in love. Fuck love. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck love.
The most painful thing in my experience of being queer is not hiding my identity from the world, it's when my crush can't bring himself to admitting to himself or me, although we've hooked up on numerous occasions that he himself is queer or has certain queer tendencies..ie liking boys, kissing boys, sexing boys. I realize that life takes time and I was an early bloomer in our budding sexuality, fuck you we're not kids anymore.