if I only had the words
Main Pairing: EunHae
Side Pairings: HyukChul, KiHae
Rating: R
Genre: angst, romance, a little smut
Words: 5,704
Summary: After Eunhyuk was rejected by Donghae, he decides to vent his frustration by having sex with someone else. Donghae, meanwhile, is scared to admit that he has feelings for Eunhyuk.
A/N: This is part two of what I am affectionately calling the "Billy Joel fics."
Here's part one, and part three.
Thanks to kyustring and naransaram for reading this and making sure it wasn't crap before I posted it. <3
***
Leeteuk entered the living room where Eunhyuk was alone watching TV. He reached for the remote, turning it off. Eunhyuk looked over at him, raising his eyebrow in question.
“You need to stop doing this,” Leeteuk said abruptly, sliding into the chair beside Eunhyuk.
Eunhyuk crossed his arms, knowing exactly what his hyung was referring to. He had been giving Eunhyuk disapproving looks ever since he accidentally walked in on him and Heechul a couple weeks ago.
“Why?” Eunhyuk asked bitterly. “I’m happy, Heechul’s happy, Donghae’s happy. Everyone’s happy with the situation, okay?”
Leeteuk sighed in frustration. “Clearly you’re not. Having sex with Heechul while you’re still in love with Donghae isn’t good for either of you. You deserve better than this, and you know it. If you would just-”
“Hyung!” Eunhyuk interrupted, his voice rising to almost a shout. “Look, you don’t understand.”
“Maybe not entirely, but I-”
“Stop!” Eunhyuk shot to his feet, fists clenching in anger. “Just-just stop trying to meddle in my life. Who I choose to sleep with and for what reason is none of your fucking business, all right?” He stormed out, leaving Leeteuk alone in the room.
“Eunhyuk, I’m sorry-” He began to call, but was cut off by the slam of a door. He closed his eyes, resting his face in his hands. Sometimes he didn’t even know why he tried.
***
Eunhyuk felt Heechul get up from the bed, and rolled over to watch him search for his clothes. This was how it always went. Heechul would come to Eunhyuk looking for a quick release, Eunhyuk gave it to him, and then he left. There was no lying around, basking in the afterglow. It would’ve felt too much like a relationship, and neither of them wanted that. It was just about the sex.
And that’s what had been nagging at Eunhyuk all day, ever since that talk with Leeteuk. You deserve better than this, he had said. And yeah, Eunhyuk agreed with him. He did deserve better. But would he ever get it? He highly doubted that.
Still, it felt wrong to use Heechul for sex, when both of them clearly had feelings for someone else. Eunhyuk wasn’t that kind of person. He didn’t have sex just for the fun of it. To him it had always been something highly personal. He never had sex with anyone he didn’t have feelings for. Until Heechul, that is. He wouldn’t deny that it felt really good to get his frustrations out with Heechul, and Eunhyuk knew Heechul wanted it too. Plus, Eunhyuk was still having sex with Donghae, despite having practically been rejected by the man when he had confessed his feelings.
Eunhyuk sighed. Why was love so complicated?
“Hey, Heechul-hyung,” Eunhyuk called. Heechul froze for a minute before pulling his pants on. They never usually talked after sex.
“Yeah?”
“I… don’t think we should do this anymore.”
Heechul put his shirt on, turning to Eunhyuk with his brow furrowed. “What? You had no complaints while you were fucking me into your mattress a few minutes ago.”
Eunhyuk shifted uncomfortably, sitting up and reaching for his boxers. “It’s just that… I don’t normally do this. Sex with no attachments. And we’re both… we both have feelings for other people. It’s not right.”
Heechul let out something that sounded almost like a laugh before seeing Eunhyuk’s troubled face. “Really? You want to stop? I thought you were well aware when we started that our love lives were screwed up.”
“I did, it’s just…”
“Leeteuk talked to you, didn’t he?” Heechul met Eunhyuk’s eyes as the latter started in surprise. “Ugh, I knew it. That guy is always trying to fix everything. Doesn’t he realize there are some things so broken he’ll never be able to fix them?” Eunhyuk looked up at him knowingly, pity evident in his eyes, and for a moment Heechul wanted to slap that look off his face.
“Heechul…”
“It’s fine. We can stop if you want. I’ll just have to find another fuck-buddy.” He ran his hands through his hair in an attempt to make it look like he hadn’t just had sex, and started for the door.
“You should call him,” Eunhyuk’s voice said from behind him.
Heechul stopped, his hand on the doorknob, but didn’t turn around. “What?”
“Hankyung still loves you, you know. He misses you. You could at least talk to him.”
“Hankyung is dead,” Heechul said coldly. “He’s Han Geng now.” He spoke so quietly that Eunhyuk could barely hear him, and then he was out the door.
***
The next night at Sukira, Eunhyuk turned to the man next to him. For the past couple of days, they had been trying to act like everything was normal between them, joking around for the benefit of the listeners. But he knew Leeteuk’s laughter at some amusing story Eunhyuk told was all just a façade, and that truly he was troubled. Eunhyuk couldn’t help feeling rather guilty.
He took his headphones off while a song was playing, turning to Leeteuk. Leeteuk took his headphones off as well, sensing the younger wanted to say something.
“I’m sorry, hyung,” Eunhyuk said shyly, scratching the back of his neck somewhat nervously. “I shouldn’t have… reacted the way I did when you tried to talk to me the other day. I know you were just concerned.”
Leeteuk’s eyes widened. “It’s… okay,” he stuttered, a little surprised by the sudden apology.
Eunhyuk chewed his lip, seeming to choose his next words carefully. He knew there were people nearby watching their conversation. “And I… took your advice. I stopped.”
In lieu of words, a proud smile played across Leeteuk’s lips. He put a hand on Eunhyuk’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper quietly, “Maybe you should tell Donghae how you feel, then.” But as Leeteuk pulled away, he could see the sadness in the other’s eyes, and his smile immediately fell.
Eunhyuk sighed, looking up at Leeteuk. “I tried that, hyung. His answer was what got me to where I am now.”
Confusion crossed Leeteuk’s face as he opened his mouth in question, but whatever he was going to say never made it past a thought as Eunhyuk put his headphones back on, and the radio show started again.
On the way home that night, Eunhyuk sat in the backseat, pretending to be asleep. When they got back to the dorms, he darted out of the van and into his room before Leeteuk could even say more than a word to him. He regretted leaving Leeteuk hanging like that, but he couldn’t bring himself to want to talk about it. So he just went to bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember the last time he had gotten a good night’s sleep. He found he couldn’t remember.
Little did he know that on the floor above him, Leeteuk wasn’t getting any sleep, either.
***
Several days later, Eunhyuk was in the dressing room after a performance, attempting to get all the make-up off his face. A first van had come and gone, taking most of the members with it. The two dressing rooms set aside for Super Junior were mostly empty by now, as Eunhyuk sat in front of the mirror, make-up remover in hand.
He barely noticed Sungmin coming up behind him until he saw his friend sink into the seat next to him.
“Hey Hyukkie,” Sungmin started, rather quietly. Eunhyuk glanced at him in the mirror and saw his face was troubled. This clearly wasn’t just a friendly greeting.
“You okay, Ming?” Eunhyuk asked, concerned.
At this, Sungmin looked up, locking eyes with him in the mirror for a moment before turning slightly towards the real Eunhyuk, so he could look at him and not just his reflection. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just… I heard something that may not be pleasant for you to hear.” He bit his lip briefly. “It’s about Donghae.”
Eunhyuk’s eyebrows furrowed as he shifted so he was facing Sungmin. “What?”
Sungmin breathed deeply. “Well, you know he sometimes disappears for a few hours, or for whole nights, right?”
Eunhyuk nodded. It was something the members had wondered about. Eunhyuk himself had asked Donghae about it, but Donghae shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Leeteuk had gotten so curious that he had threatened to follow Donghae around all the time, but he had dropped the subject after a short while. Once Leeteuk stopped asking about it, the other members seemed to forget as well.
“Well,” Sungmin continued, “turns out he’s been going to Kibum’s.”
“…Why would I care if Donghae goes to Kibum’s? And how do you even know?”
“I have my ways,” he said mysteriously, raising his eyebrows. “But seriously. Think about it for a minute, Hyuk. Why do you think Donghae would be spending nights at Kibum’s?”
Eunhyuk knew what Sungmin was implying, and started to protest that Donghae and Kibum were just friends, but when he thought about it, he realized he wasn’t so sure. “What, you think they’re sleeping together?”
Sungmin’s gaze was rather sad as he spoke. “Actually… I know they are. I’m sorry. I thought you should know.”
Eunhyuk was nothing short of shocked as he stared in disbelief at Sungmin. “Can you just… I need to think about this.” He said, fingers coming up to rub his temples.
Sungmin nodded. Taking the hint, he got up and walked out, leaving the younger with his thoughts. And once Eunhyuk got over the initial surprise, he found that he was quite upset, and filled with an irrational anger that he didn’t experience very often.
It was this anger that had him doing the first thing he could think of. He stood up and made his way across the room to where Heechul was sitting on the couch, playing with his phone.
Thanks to the dressing room being rather large, Heechul hadn’t heard Sungmin and Eunhyuk’s conversation. Therefore, he was startled, to say the least, when a hand grabbed his wrist. He looked up, an exclamation dying on his lips as he saw the intense emotion in Eunhyuk’s eyes.
Eunhyuk practically dragged the older man to the bathroom down the hall, locking them both in one of the stalls. He didn’t say a word, pushing Heechul roughly against the wall and sticking his tongue down the other’s throat, barely giving him a chance to respond. Eunhyuk’s hands roamed along the slim torso, stopping to grip his hips with strong fingers, nails almost digging into the soft skin. His mouth moved lower, biting and sucking at a sensitive spot on Heechul’s neck. He moved closer, grinding himself against Heechul, and Heechul let out a quiet groan, tangling his fingers in Eunhyuk’s hair.
“I thought… you wanted… to stop,” Heechul managed to gasp out. This was definitely not how their other times had been. Eunhyuk had never been the one to initiate, and they had definitely never done anything in a restroom backstage. Heechul was a little grossed out by that fact, but he would be lying if he said that an angry and dominant Eunhyuk didn’t turn him on. The hardening bulge in his pants was proof of that.
“I changed my mind,” Eunhyuk growled, mouth close to Heechul’s ear as he fumbled with the older man’s belt.
Heechul knew that Eunhyuk was just using him solely for his body at that moment, but that was the same as they had been doing for the last several weeks, so he couldn’t complain. And really, he found he didn’t mind much as he was rammed against the wall, Eunhyuk’s name dripping involuntarily from his mouth. He was pretty sure having sex in a bathroom was looked upon as trashy, but that didn’t make the release any less satisfying.
Eunhyuk came shortly after Heechul did, with a loud moan that made them both shudder. They carefully detached themselves from each other, breathing hard. Heechul looked at Eunhyuk, and saw that the fury in his eyes had vanished, leaving only sadness in its wake.
He put a hand tentatively on the younger’s shoulder, and that was all it took for Eunhyuk’s defenses to come crumbling down. He wrapped his arms around Heechul’s waist, burying his head in his hyung’s shoulder. And Heechul stood, feeling like he should say something, but not knowing what. He opted instead to bring his arms around Eunhyuk’s shoulders, trying to bring comfort by just being there.
It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes that they had stood there like that, but it seemed much longer. The two helped each other clean up the best they could before they had to endure the long ride back to the dorms, and left the bathroom, thankful that no one was around.
Of course, neither of them noticed that Donghae was in the hallway, on the floor behind a rack of clothes. He sat with his mouth agape, too stunned to move, having heard Eunhyuk and Heechul in the bathroom several minutes earlier. As they approached his hiding spot, a voice in the back of his head wondered if they would be able to hear the sound of a heart breaking.
He guessed not, because they walked right by him.
***
Donghae tried to convince himself he wasn’t jealous, and he didn’t feel like his heart had just been torn out of his chest. But it was to no avail. So he decided it would be best to get his mind off of Eunhyuk as soon as possible.
For him, it was a logical decision to call Kibum. Kibum had sounded a little irritated, but he was on his way. At least now Donghae wouldn’t have to endure the awkward ride home with Eunhyuk and Heechul. He figured he should probably let someone know he wasn’t riding home with the other members, though, so he texted Leeteuk.
Leeteuk was the only one who knew it was Kibum’s that he kept disappearing to. He had been forced into telling the leader after the man had threatened to follow him everywhere. Instead of Leeteuk accidentally discovering him in Kibum’s bed, Donghae just told him he liked to spend time with Kibum. He didn’t tell him about the sex, for obvious reasons, but he was sure Leeteuk was suspicious that something was going on. Oh well. It was better to have a suspicious Leeteuk than having all the members think he was a slut.
Just as he pressed the send button for the text to Leeteuk, it hit Donghae: He was a huge hypocrite. He had been secretly sleeping with Kibum for months, and he was getting upset over Eunhyuk having sex with Heechul? It’s not like he and Eunhyuk were exclusive. He really shouldn’t have cared if Eunhyuk was sleeping with other people, because Donghae was doing it too.
Then again, Donghae wasn’t the one who confessed his love a few weeks prior.
Still, Donghae couldn’t explain the jealousy that was gnawing at him. Well, it could really only mean one thing. Clearly, he had stronger feelings for Eunhyuk than he had thought. But he didn’t want those feelings. Those things only ever got people hurt.
That was why he needed to get Eunhyuk out of his head as soon as possible.
Kibum’s place was closer than the dorms were, so luckily it didn’t take him too long to get there. Donghae climbed in the passenger seat of his car, not saying anything but a brief, “thanks.”
Donghae was silent on the way back to Kibum’s. If Kibum noticed something was wrong with the usually talkative Donghae, he didn’t mention it. For once, Donghae was glad Kibum was a quiet man.
Kibum parked the car and both of them made their way up to his apartment. Donghae noticed several concerned glances directed his way, but still neither of them said anything.
As soon as the door was shut behind them, Donghae pressed his mouth to Kibum’s, hands fisting in the other’s shirt as the keys dropped to the floor, unnoticed. He wasn’t sure who started undressing who first, but soon they had made a path to the bedroom, scattered articles of clothing left behind like breadcrumbs. And Kibum was completely prepared. He had known that when Donghae called him, he didn’t just want a friendly chat.
Kibum pushed Donghae back onto the bed, teasing one of the older man’s nipples with his mouth as his hands steadily traveled lower. And it felt great to Donghae, of course it did. He had been with Kibum enough times by now that they knew how to please each other. But he still wasn’t achieving the main purpose of this visit: getting Eunhyuk out of his head.
In fact, Donghae was actually thinking about Eunhyuk more. So much that, as Kibum pulled his boxers off and threw them to the other side of the room, he imagined it was Eunhyuk with him instead of Kibum. That it was Eunhyuk, not Kibum, licking a stripe up his abdomen. Eunhyuk’s mouth meeting his before kissing down his neck to his collarbone. Eunhyuk’s hand stroking him to get him to relax. Eunhyuk’s slick finger that was inserted gently into him. Not Kibum’s.
With the second finger, Donghae was sure what he was gasping out between breathy moans was mostly incoherent nonsense. The other knew right where his sweet spot was, and was attacking it mercilessly. As the third finger went in, all he could do was call out the other’s name, lost in ecstasy.
Suddenly, the warmth within him vanished. Donghae tried to relax to prepare himself for what was inevitably coming next, but nothing happened.
After a moment, Donghae’s eyes, which had been shut tightly for the past few minutes, opened to find Kibum sitting at the edge of the bed, a hurt look on his face. Donghae was instantly confused.
“What happened? Why’d you stop?” Donghae propped himself up on his elbows, staring at the younger man.
Kibum looked him dead in the eye. “Who were you thinking of just now?” He asked, never one to beat around the bush.
Donghae blinked. “What? I was thinking of…” He paused as he realized exactly who he had been thinking of. Eunhyuk. Did he accidentally say his name instead of Kibum’s?
“Yeah, exactly,” Kibum said, seeing the realization cross Donghae’s face. “That was not my name you called out.”
Well. Shit.
Donghae looked up sheepishly, apology in his gaze. This had never happened to him before. He expected Kibum to be angry, but all he saw was hurt in those eyes. And that made him feel even worse. He thought he would’ve preferred it if Kibum was angry. But Kibum just sighed, reaching for his underwear.
“Wait, Kibum,” Donghae pleaded, finally finding his voice, “I’m sorry about that. We don’t have to stop. I can just take care of you, if you want.”
Kibum just shook his head, putting a leg into his pants. “You kind of killed the mood for me.”
Donghae hung his head, feeling guilty and ashamed. “I’m so sorry, Kibum.” He felt a hand placed reassuringly on his head, and looked up to see Kibum standing there. He handed Donghae his boxers and sat down on the bed as the older put them on, covering himself.
“Hey. It’s okay,” Kibum told him. “I knew going into this that you were sleeping with Eunhyuk, too. But I’m not going to keep having sex with you if your feelings are this strong for him.”
“My feelings are not-”
“Donghae,” Kibum interrupted, looking at him with raised eyebrows. “Wasn’t the reason you came over to get him off your mind? And it didn’t really work, did it?”
Donghae’s shoulders slumped. “How do you know everything?” He pouted.
Kibum laughed; a light, airy sound. It lifted the mood a little. “I don’t know everything,” he said, “I just know you. And I know that Eunhyuk has feelings for you, too, from what you told me a few weeks ago. I mean, maybe you don’t love him back, but maybe you do. I’ll be here when you’ve figured it out, okay?”
A sad smile tugged at Donghae’s lips as he glanced over at Kibum. “Thanks, Kibum. And I’m sorry again.”
“I said it was okay, didn’t I? I’m still your friend; nothing has changed except now we’re normal friends who don’t have sex with each other.” Kibum smiled, standing up and offering his hand to Donghae. “Come on, I’ll make up the couch for you to sleep on.”
***
Over the next few weeks, Donghae found himself quite often over at Siwon’s. He couldn’t spend time at the dorms when Heechul or Eunhyuk were around. It was too awkward, running into them. It was even more awkward when both of them were missing from a room, because Donghae could imagine exactly what it was they were doing. So of course he avoided them as much as possible. This also meant that he stopped having sex with Eunhyuk. He actually stopped even talking to him, except when necessary. Donghae knew the other members thought it was weird that the two who were once so close now hardly interacted with each other at all, but Donghae was gone so often that no one got a chance to talk to him.
Donghae knew he could’ve gone to Kibum’s place, if he wanted. What Kibum had said was true; they were still friends. They texted sometimes, but Donghae didn’t want to go over there. Kibum was the only one who knew about Donghae’s feelings for Eunhyuk, and he didn’t want the question always hanging in the air of why Donghae hadn’t told Eunhyuk yet.
That was what Donghae did when he had problems. He ran, and tried to put them out of his mind. This situation was no different.
That was how Donghae ended up spending a lot of time at Siwon’s. Siwon was happy for the company, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew the reason Donghae kept coming over was to avoid something at the dorms. He wasn’t the first person to have fled to Siwon’s when trouble arose. But Donghae shrugged off all attempts of Siwon’s to discover the problem, immediately changing the subject. Luckily, Siwon got the hint pretty quickly that Donghae didn’t want to talk about it, and had to be satisfied with the fact that he was getting company.
Of course, there were some times when Siwon was busy, and Donghae wasn’t. If he was lucky, Heechul and Eunhyuk wouldn’t be home during those times. If they were, he holed himself up in his room. If they weren’t, Donghae just acted like everything was normal, interacting with the other members as usual. He knew they noticed something was up, but no one, not even Leeteuk said anything to him.
Donghae managed to successfully get by like this for a couple weeks. But one day he got back from his schedule early, and no one on his floor was home, so he decided to sit down and watch some TV. He was well immersed in some drama when Sungmin came down from upstairs, quietly slipping into the room with Donghae.
“Hey,” he said nonchalantly, taking a seat.
Donghae glanced at him, and saw that Sungmin was perched on the edge of his chair as if waiting to say something. Obviously this wasn’t just a casual visit. “Hey… Did you want something?” Donghae asked, not caring if he sounded rude. He just wanted Sungmin to say whatever he had to say, so they could get this over with.
Sungmin looked a little surprised at Donghae’s bluntness, but that didn’t deter him. “I, ah… Siwon told me you’ve been at his house a lot, lately, is that true?”
Donghae turned to Sungmin, his attention now fully on his hyung. “Yeah, it is. Why do you ask?” He watched as Sungmin fidgeted rather uncomfortably.
“I was just wondering… Why aren’t you ever at Kibum’s anymore?”
“Well, I…” Donghae’s sentence trailed off as a thought occurred to him. He was pretty sure Leeteuk was the only one who knew about his frequent visits to Kibum. How did Sungmin find out? Did Leeteuk tell him? He didn’t think the leader would go around telling everyone, but he might’ve told somebody. Besides, Donghae going to Kibum’s wasn’t a big deal. They were friends, everyone knew that. So why was Sungmin looking so uncomfortable?
“You know, don’t you?”
Sungmin’s eyes widened. “Know what?”
“You know about what was happening with Kibum and me.” It wasn’t a question. Donghae stared at Sungmin, his eyes squinting a little. Sungmin didn’t back down. He raised his chin a little, staring right back.
“Yeah. I know.”
Donghae bit his lip in thought. How could Sungmin have found out? Could Kibum have told anybody? No, Kibum wouldn’t tell anyone. Did Sungmin spy on Donghae? Well, it didn’t matter, because now one of the members knew. Why did it have to be Sungmin, of all people, to find out? It was no secret that the man was extremely close with Eunhyuk, and… wait.
“You told Eunhyuk, didn’t you?” Donghae accused.
Sungmin tore his gaze from Donghae, suddenly seeming to find the floor very interesting. “He had a right to know.”
It took everything in Donghae’s power to not get up and punch a hole in the wall. His anger rose as his nails dug into his palms. “Is that why he’s fucking Heechul, then?” He retorted.
The way that Sungmin looked up in shock, his mouth wide open, told Donghae that Sungmin hadn’t known about that. It almost made him want to laugh.
“He’s… what?”
This time, Donghae did laugh, and even to him it sounded hollow and empty. “For how close you claim you guys are, I guess he doesn’t tell you everything, huh?” In the silence that followed, he saw the hurt look on Sungmin’s face, and felt a little guilty. Donghae sighed. “Well, since you were wondering, me and Kibum… that’s not happening anymore. I don’t care if you tell Eunhyuk or not, it doesn’t matter to me.”
Sungmin stayed silent as Donghae got up and walked out of the room.
***
Unfortunately, after that, Donghae’s schedule cleared up and he found himself with a lot of free time. At the same time, Siwon’s schedule got busier, so Donghae couldn’t just hide over at his house like he’d been doing. Which meant he was stuck at the dorms.
It wasn’t hard to avoid Eunhyuk, because Eunhyuk was trying to avoid him, too. He noticed, though, that Eunhyuk was spending more and more time with Sungmin. He no longer disappeared with Heechul. Donghae assumed it had something to do with his chat with Sungmin.
But wait, if Sungmin told Eunhyuk he was no longer sleeping with Kibum, what difference did that make? Sure, Eunhyuk told Donghae once that he was in love with him, but Donghae wasn’t even sure if that was true anymore. If Eunhyuk had stopped sleeping with Heechul, what exactly did that mean? Did it mean Eunhyuk still loved Donghae?
Donghae didn’t want to assume anything. For all he knew, Eunhyuk hated him. In fact, he probably did. And honestly, Donghae didn’t blame him.
There was just one thing Donghae had overlooked. While he was trying to avoid Eunhyuk, he forgot that he was supposed to avoid Heechul as well.
So it was that Donghae found himself one evening looking up from his desk to see his hyung leaning against the doorframe of his room. Heechul knocked on the wood lightly with a couple of knuckles, even though he knew Donghae saw him.
“Hey, can I come in?”
Donghae’s mind raced. Shit, shit, shit, what does he want was the most prevalent thought as he reluctantly agreed. Heechul stepped in, standing for a minute before sitting on the edge of the bed.
“So,” Heechul started, picking at a fingernail, “you found out me and Eunhyuk were fucking, then?”
Donghae swallowed. Apparently Sungmin had told some people about their conversation. “Yeah, I know you’re fucking.”
“Were fucking, Donghae,” Heechul corrected.
Donghae stared. Well, he was right about that, too, then. “So… you’re not anymore?”
“No. And do you want to know why?” Heechul looked at him expectantly, and Donghae figured he had to say something to urge him on.
“Um, why?”
Heechul got up from the bed, walking around the room, seeming to ignore Donghae for a second. He stopped at Donghae’s dresser, finding interest in a little glass figurine of a fish that was placed there. “You know,” he said, not facing Donghae, “we only starting having sex after he tried to confess to you. And I went to him first, knowing he’d be vulnerable. I guess you can say I took advantage of him being a little heart-broken.” Heechul paused, roaming the room again. “He wanted to stop, you know. So we did, for a few days. But then he found out about you and Kibum.” He turned to face Donghae. “And we started having sex again. But when Sungmin told him you said you weren’t fucking Kibum anymore, of course he wanted to stop again. So we haven’t had sex since before that.”
Donghae sat silently, taking in all the information. “Why are you telling me this?”
Heechul sat down on the bed again, but this time right in front of Donghae. “The reason he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore is because he’s in love with you, you idiot. And you’re in love with him too, you just won’t admit it.”
Donghae swore that if his eyes had gotten any wider, they’d have popped out of his head. He rummaged in his brain, trying to find something to say, but nothing came to mind.
Heechul took his silence as confirmation. “I knew it. You are such an idiot sometimes, Donghae. What are you scared of? Getting hurt? The last thing in the world Eunhyuk wants to do is hurt you, Donghae. Whatever fears you have, get over them. You have a chance at real happiness. So take it before it’s too late.” He got up to leave.
Donghae turned towards Heechul, coming out of his stupor. “Hyung, what should I do?”
“Tell him how you feel,” Heechul said simply. And with that, he left Donghae alone with his thoughts.
***
Donghae stood outside of Eunhyuk’s room nervously. He knew the other was in there, because Donghae had just seen him walk in several minutes ago. His hands were a little clammy, and he rubbed them together, not really sure why he was feeling so nervous. He briefly wondered if this was how Eunhyuk felt before confessing to Donghae what seemed like forever ago.
He raised a hand shakily, knocking on the closed door. “Come in!” yelled the familiar voice from inside the room, and Donghae closed his eyes, taking a moment to relax before opening the door.
Donghae was expecting the surprise on Eunhyuk’s face as he walked in. They hadn’t been alone in a room together for weeks, and they definitely hadn’t had any sort of conversation outside variety shows. But as he saw Eunhyuk sitting on his bed, all his carefully rehearsed lines flew out of his head. It took all his energy to just stand there and not run out of the room, like he wanted to.
“Donghae?” Eunhyuk choked out, shock evident in his voice as much as it was on his face.
Donghae’s mouth opened and closed a couple times before he managed to stutter, “I-I just wanted to talk.”
Eunhyuk leaned back on his headboard, crossing his arms. “Um. Okay, what did you want to talk about?”
“Well I…” Donghae ran a hand through his hair, standing awkwardly next to Eunhyuk’s bed. He let out a breath before diving right in, eyes decidedly fixed on a place beside Eunhyuk’s head. “Look, I… haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, all right? Ever since I saw you and Heechul, I was so jealous, and I can’t get you off my mind.” He paused, trying to find the right words to say. “I don’t know if I can say I love you, because I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. But Eunhyuk…” Donghae found the courage to look straight into his eyes. “I need you. It hurts that you’re not by my side, that you’re not talking to me. And I… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to try being in a relationship with you, if you’ll still have me.”
Eunhyuk stared at a spot on the wall for a moment before flinging his legs off the bed, getting up to stand close to Donghae. “Do you think I would tell you I loved you and then say no to an offer like that?”
“Well, no-I don’t know, it’s just-”
Eunhyuk cut him off by pressing his mouth to Donghae’s. It was just for a brief moment, but it was enough to shut the other up. Donghae blinked, gaping kind of stupidly at Eunhyuk. Then he tilted his head, kissing Eunhyuk a second time. This kiss lasted longer, with Donghae’s hands on the older man’s waist and Eunhyuk wrapping his arms around Donghae’s neck. Their mouths opened slightly, and Eunhyuk dragged his tongue along the other’s teasingly before pulling back.
Donghae smiled, pulling Eunhyuk closer to him. “Does that mean you want to date me, then?”
Eunhyuk laughed brightly, his gums showing. “Only if you’ll actually take me on a date.”
Donghae grinned. “That can be arranged.”
***
Leeteuk watched the two beaming men leave the dorms hand in hand. He gazed at the door wistfully for a minute before turning to Sungmin.
“So?”
Sungmin looked at his phone, smiling slightly upon reading what was there. “Text from Hyukkie. They’re going out on a date,” he told Leeteuk happily, typing a reply.
Leeteuk couldn’t help the smile that found its way to his face. “Well, that’s one down then,” he said quietly to himself.
Sungmin looked up from his phone curiously. “What did you say, hyung?”
“Oh, nothing.”
Side Pairings: HyukChul, KiHae
Rating: R
Genre: angst, romance, a little smut
Words: 5,704
Summary: After Eunhyuk was rejected by Donghae, he decides to vent his frustration by having sex with someone else. Donghae, meanwhile, is scared to admit that he has feelings for Eunhyuk.
A/N: This is part two of what I am affectionately calling the "Billy Joel fics."
Here's part one, and part three.
Thanks to kyustring and naransaram for reading this and making sure it wasn't crap before I posted it. <3
***
Leeteuk entered the living room where Eunhyuk was alone watching TV. He reached for the remote, turning it off. Eunhyuk looked over at him, raising his eyebrow in question.
“You need to stop doing this,” Leeteuk said abruptly, sliding into the chair beside Eunhyuk.
Eunhyuk crossed his arms, knowing exactly what his hyung was referring to. He had been giving Eunhyuk disapproving looks ever since he accidentally walked in on him and Heechul a couple weeks ago.
“Why?” Eunhyuk asked bitterly. “I’m happy, Heechul’s happy, Donghae’s happy. Everyone’s happy with the situation, okay?”
Leeteuk sighed in frustration. “Clearly you’re not. Having sex with Heechul while you’re still in love with Donghae isn’t good for either of you. You deserve better than this, and you know it. If you would just-”
“Hyung!” Eunhyuk interrupted, his voice rising to almost a shout. “Look, you don’t understand.”
“Maybe not entirely, but I-”
“Stop!” Eunhyuk shot to his feet, fists clenching in anger. “Just-just stop trying to meddle in my life. Who I choose to sleep with and for what reason is none of your fucking business, all right?” He stormed out, leaving Leeteuk alone in the room.
“Eunhyuk, I’m sorry-” He began to call, but was cut off by the slam of a door. He closed his eyes, resting his face in his hands. Sometimes he didn’t even know why he tried.
***
Eunhyuk felt Heechul get up from the bed, and rolled over to watch him search for his clothes. This was how it always went. Heechul would come to Eunhyuk looking for a quick release, Eunhyuk gave it to him, and then he left. There was no lying around, basking in the afterglow. It would’ve felt too much like a relationship, and neither of them wanted that. It was just about the sex.
And that’s what had been nagging at Eunhyuk all day, ever since that talk with Leeteuk. You deserve better than this, he had said. And yeah, Eunhyuk agreed with him. He did deserve better. But would he ever get it? He highly doubted that.
Still, it felt wrong to use Heechul for sex, when both of them clearly had feelings for someone else. Eunhyuk wasn’t that kind of person. He didn’t have sex just for the fun of it. To him it had always been something highly personal. He never had sex with anyone he didn’t have feelings for. Until Heechul, that is. He wouldn’t deny that it felt really good to get his frustrations out with Heechul, and Eunhyuk knew Heechul wanted it too. Plus, Eunhyuk was still having sex with Donghae, despite having practically been rejected by the man when he had confessed his feelings.
Eunhyuk sighed. Why was love so complicated?
“Hey, Heechul-hyung,” Eunhyuk called. Heechul froze for a minute before pulling his pants on. They never usually talked after sex.
“Yeah?”
“I… don’t think we should do this anymore.”
Heechul put his shirt on, turning to Eunhyuk with his brow furrowed. “What? You had no complaints while you were fucking me into your mattress a few minutes ago.”
Eunhyuk shifted uncomfortably, sitting up and reaching for his boxers. “It’s just that… I don’t normally do this. Sex with no attachments. And we’re both… we both have feelings for other people. It’s not right.”
Heechul let out something that sounded almost like a laugh before seeing Eunhyuk’s troubled face. “Really? You want to stop? I thought you were well aware when we started that our love lives were screwed up.”
“I did, it’s just…”
“Leeteuk talked to you, didn’t he?” Heechul met Eunhyuk’s eyes as the latter started in surprise. “Ugh, I knew it. That guy is always trying to fix everything. Doesn’t he realize there are some things so broken he’ll never be able to fix them?” Eunhyuk looked up at him knowingly, pity evident in his eyes, and for a moment Heechul wanted to slap that look off his face.
“Heechul…”
“It’s fine. We can stop if you want. I’ll just have to find another fuck-buddy.” He ran his hands through his hair in an attempt to make it look like he hadn’t just had sex, and started for the door.
“You should call him,” Eunhyuk’s voice said from behind him.
Heechul stopped, his hand on the doorknob, but didn’t turn around. “What?”
“Hankyung still loves you, you know. He misses you. You could at least talk to him.”
“Hankyung is dead,” Heechul said coldly. “He’s Han Geng now.” He spoke so quietly that Eunhyuk could barely hear him, and then he was out the door.
***
The next night at Sukira, Eunhyuk turned to the man next to him. For the past couple of days, they had been trying to act like everything was normal between them, joking around for the benefit of the listeners. But he knew Leeteuk’s laughter at some amusing story Eunhyuk told was all just a façade, and that truly he was troubled. Eunhyuk couldn’t help feeling rather guilty.
He took his headphones off while a song was playing, turning to Leeteuk. Leeteuk took his headphones off as well, sensing the younger wanted to say something.
“I’m sorry, hyung,” Eunhyuk said shyly, scratching the back of his neck somewhat nervously. “I shouldn’t have… reacted the way I did when you tried to talk to me the other day. I know you were just concerned.”
Leeteuk’s eyes widened. “It’s… okay,” he stuttered, a little surprised by the sudden apology.
Eunhyuk chewed his lip, seeming to choose his next words carefully. He knew there were people nearby watching their conversation. “And I… took your advice. I stopped.”
In lieu of words, a proud smile played across Leeteuk’s lips. He put a hand on Eunhyuk’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper quietly, “Maybe you should tell Donghae how you feel, then.” But as Leeteuk pulled away, he could see the sadness in the other’s eyes, and his smile immediately fell.
Eunhyuk sighed, looking up at Leeteuk. “I tried that, hyung. His answer was what got me to where I am now.”
Confusion crossed Leeteuk’s face as he opened his mouth in question, but whatever he was going to say never made it past a thought as Eunhyuk put his headphones back on, and the radio show started again.
On the way home that night, Eunhyuk sat in the backseat, pretending to be asleep. When they got back to the dorms, he darted out of the van and into his room before Leeteuk could even say more than a word to him. He regretted leaving Leeteuk hanging like that, but he couldn’t bring himself to want to talk about it. So he just went to bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember the last time he had gotten a good night’s sleep. He found he couldn’t remember.
Little did he know that on the floor above him, Leeteuk wasn’t getting any sleep, either.
***
Several days later, Eunhyuk was in the dressing room after a performance, attempting to get all the make-up off his face. A first van had come and gone, taking most of the members with it. The two dressing rooms set aside for Super Junior were mostly empty by now, as Eunhyuk sat in front of the mirror, make-up remover in hand.
He barely noticed Sungmin coming up behind him until he saw his friend sink into the seat next to him.
“Hey Hyukkie,” Sungmin started, rather quietly. Eunhyuk glanced at him in the mirror and saw his face was troubled. This clearly wasn’t just a friendly greeting.
“You okay, Ming?” Eunhyuk asked, concerned.
At this, Sungmin looked up, locking eyes with him in the mirror for a moment before turning slightly towards the real Eunhyuk, so he could look at him and not just his reflection. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just… I heard something that may not be pleasant for you to hear.” He bit his lip briefly. “It’s about Donghae.”
Eunhyuk’s eyebrows furrowed as he shifted so he was facing Sungmin. “What?”
Sungmin breathed deeply. “Well, you know he sometimes disappears for a few hours, or for whole nights, right?”
Eunhyuk nodded. It was something the members had wondered about. Eunhyuk himself had asked Donghae about it, but Donghae shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Leeteuk had gotten so curious that he had threatened to follow Donghae around all the time, but he had dropped the subject after a short while. Once Leeteuk stopped asking about it, the other members seemed to forget as well.
“Well,” Sungmin continued, “turns out he’s been going to Kibum’s.”
“…Why would I care if Donghae goes to Kibum’s? And how do you even know?”
“I have my ways,” he said mysteriously, raising his eyebrows. “But seriously. Think about it for a minute, Hyuk. Why do you think Donghae would be spending nights at Kibum’s?”
Eunhyuk knew what Sungmin was implying, and started to protest that Donghae and Kibum were just friends, but when he thought about it, he realized he wasn’t so sure. “What, you think they’re sleeping together?”
Sungmin’s gaze was rather sad as he spoke. “Actually… I know they are. I’m sorry. I thought you should know.”
Eunhyuk was nothing short of shocked as he stared in disbelief at Sungmin. “Can you just… I need to think about this.” He said, fingers coming up to rub his temples.
Sungmin nodded. Taking the hint, he got up and walked out, leaving the younger with his thoughts. And once Eunhyuk got over the initial surprise, he found that he was quite upset, and filled with an irrational anger that he didn’t experience very often.
It was this anger that had him doing the first thing he could think of. He stood up and made his way across the room to where Heechul was sitting on the couch, playing with his phone.
Thanks to the dressing room being rather large, Heechul hadn’t heard Sungmin and Eunhyuk’s conversation. Therefore, he was startled, to say the least, when a hand grabbed his wrist. He looked up, an exclamation dying on his lips as he saw the intense emotion in Eunhyuk’s eyes.
Eunhyuk practically dragged the older man to the bathroom down the hall, locking them both in one of the stalls. He didn’t say a word, pushing Heechul roughly against the wall and sticking his tongue down the other’s throat, barely giving him a chance to respond. Eunhyuk’s hands roamed along the slim torso, stopping to grip his hips with strong fingers, nails almost digging into the soft skin. His mouth moved lower, biting and sucking at a sensitive spot on Heechul’s neck. He moved closer, grinding himself against Heechul, and Heechul let out a quiet groan, tangling his fingers in Eunhyuk’s hair.
“I thought… you wanted… to stop,” Heechul managed to gasp out. This was definitely not how their other times had been. Eunhyuk had never been the one to initiate, and they had definitely never done anything in a restroom backstage. Heechul was a little grossed out by that fact, but he would be lying if he said that an angry and dominant Eunhyuk didn’t turn him on. The hardening bulge in his pants was proof of that.
“I changed my mind,” Eunhyuk growled, mouth close to Heechul’s ear as he fumbled with the older man’s belt.
Heechul knew that Eunhyuk was just using him solely for his body at that moment, but that was the same as they had been doing for the last several weeks, so he couldn’t complain. And really, he found he didn’t mind much as he was rammed against the wall, Eunhyuk’s name dripping involuntarily from his mouth. He was pretty sure having sex in a bathroom was looked upon as trashy, but that didn’t make the release any less satisfying.
Eunhyuk came shortly after Heechul did, with a loud moan that made them both shudder. They carefully detached themselves from each other, breathing hard. Heechul looked at Eunhyuk, and saw that the fury in his eyes had vanished, leaving only sadness in its wake.
He put a hand tentatively on the younger’s shoulder, and that was all it took for Eunhyuk’s defenses to come crumbling down. He wrapped his arms around Heechul’s waist, burying his head in his hyung’s shoulder. And Heechul stood, feeling like he should say something, but not knowing what. He opted instead to bring his arms around Eunhyuk’s shoulders, trying to bring comfort by just being there.
It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes that they had stood there like that, but it seemed much longer. The two helped each other clean up the best they could before they had to endure the long ride back to the dorms, and left the bathroom, thankful that no one was around.
Of course, neither of them noticed that Donghae was in the hallway, on the floor behind a rack of clothes. He sat with his mouth agape, too stunned to move, having heard Eunhyuk and Heechul in the bathroom several minutes earlier. As they approached his hiding spot, a voice in the back of his head wondered if they would be able to hear the sound of a heart breaking.
He guessed not, because they walked right by him.
***
Donghae tried to convince himself he wasn’t jealous, and he didn’t feel like his heart had just been torn out of his chest. But it was to no avail. So he decided it would be best to get his mind off of Eunhyuk as soon as possible.
For him, it was a logical decision to call Kibum. Kibum had sounded a little irritated, but he was on his way. At least now Donghae wouldn’t have to endure the awkward ride home with Eunhyuk and Heechul. He figured he should probably let someone know he wasn’t riding home with the other members, though, so he texted Leeteuk.
Leeteuk was the only one who knew it was Kibum’s that he kept disappearing to. He had been forced into telling the leader after the man had threatened to follow him everywhere. Instead of Leeteuk accidentally discovering him in Kibum’s bed, Donghae just told him he liked to spend time with Kibum. He didn’t tell him about the sex, for obvious reasons, but he was sure Leeteuk was suspicious that something was going on. Oh well. It was better to have a suspicious Leeteuk than having all the members think he was a slut.
Just as he pressed the send button for the text to Leeteuk, it hit Donghae: He was a huge hypocrite. He had been secretly sleeping with Kibum for months, and he was getting upset over Eunhyuk having sex with Heechul? It’s not like he and Eunhyuk were exclusive. He really shouldn’t have cared if Eunhyuk was sleeping with other people, because Donghae was doing it too.
Then again, Donghae wasn’t the one who confessed his love a few weeks prior.
Still, Donghae couldn’t explain the jealousy that was gnawing at him. Well, it could really only mean one thing. Clearly, he had stronger feelings for Eunhyuk than he had thought. But he didn’t want those feelings. Those things only ever got people hurt.
That was why he needed to get Eunhyuk out of his head as soon as possible.
Kibum’s place was closer than the dorms were, so luckily it didn’t take him too long to get there. Donghae climbed in the passenger seat of his car, not saying anything but a brief, “thanks.”
Donghae was silent on the way back to Kibum’s. If Kibum noticed something was wrong with the usually talkative Donghae, he didn’t mention it. For once, Donghae was glad Kibum was a quiet man.
Kibum parked the car and both of them made their way up to his apartment. Donghae noticed several concerned glances directed his way, but still neither of them said anything.
As soon as the door was shut behind them, Donghae pressed his mouth to Kibum’s, hands fisting in the other’s shirt as the keys dropped to the floor, unnoticed. He wasn’t sure who started undressing who first, but soon they had made a path to the bedroom, scattered articles of clothing left behind like breadcrumbs. And Kibum was completely prepared. He had known that when Donghae called him, he didn’t just want a friendly chat.
Kibum pushed Donghae back onto the bed, teasing one of the older man’s nipples with his mouth as his hands steadily traveled lower. And it felt great to Donghae, of course it did. He had been with Kibum enough times by now that they knew how to please each other. But he still wasn’t achieving the main purpose of this visit: getting Eunhyuk out of his head.
In fact, Donghae was actually thinking about Eunhyuk more. So much that, as Kibum pulled his boxers off and threw them to the other side of the room, he imagined it was Eunhyuk with him instead of Kibum. That it was Eunhyuk, not Kibum, licking a stripe up his abdomen. Eunhyuk’s mouth meeting his before kissing down his neck to his collarbone. Eunhyuk’s hand stroking him to get him to relax. Eunhyuk’s slick finger that was inserted gently into him. Not Kibum’s.
With the second finger, Donghae was sure what he was gasping out between breathy moans was mostly incoherent nonsense. The other knew right where his sweet spot was, and was attacking it mercilessly. As the third finger went in, all he could do was call out the other’s name, lost in ecstasy.
Suddenly, the warmth within him vanished. Donghae tried to relax to prepare himself for what was inevitably coming next, but nothing happened.
After a moment, Donghae’s eyes, which had been shut tightly for the past few minutes, opened to find Kibum sitting at the edge of the bed, a hurt look on his face. Donghae was instantly confused.
“What happened? Why’d you stop?” Donghae propped himself up on his elbows, staring at the younger man.
Kibum looked him dead in the eye. “Who were you thinking of just now?” He asked, never one to beat around the bush.
Donghae blinked. “What? I was thinking of…” He paused as he realized exactly who he had been thinking of. Eunhyuk. Did he accidentally say his name instead of Kibum’s?
“Yeah, exactly,” Kibum said, seeing the realization cross Donghae’s face. “That was not my name you called out.”
Well. Shit.
Donghae looked up sheepishly, apology in his gaze. This had never happened to him before. He expected Kibum to be angry, but all he saw was hurt in those eyes. And that made him feel even worse. He thought he would’ve preferred it if Kibum was angry. But Kibum just sighed, reaching for his underwear.
“Wait, Kibum,” Donghae pleaded, finally finding his voice, “I’m sorry about that. We don’t have to stop. I can just take care of you, if you want.”
Kibum just shook his head, putting a leg into his pants. “You kind of killed the mood for me.”
Donghae hung his head, feeling guilty and ashamed. “I’m so sorry, Kibum.” He felt a hand placed reassuringly on his head, and looked up to see Kibum standing there. He handed Donghae his boxers and sat down on the bed as the older put them on, covering himself.
“Hey. It’s okay,” Kibum told him. “I knew going into this that you were sleeping with Eunhyuk, too. But I’m not going to keep having sex with you if your feelings are this strong for him.”
“My feelings are not-”
“Donghae,” Kibum interrupted, looking at him with raised eyebrows. “Wasn’t the reason you came over to get him off your mind? And it didn’t really work, did it?”
Donghae’s shoulders slumped. “How do you know everything?” He pouted.
Kibum laughed; a light, airy sound. It lifted the mood a little. “I don’t know everything,” he said, “I just know you. And I know that Eunhyuk has feelings for you, too, from what you told me a few weeks ago. I mean, maybe you don’t love him back, but maybe you do. I’ll be here when you’ve figured it out, okay?”
A sad smile tugged at Donghae’s lips as he glanced over at Kibum. “Thanks, Kibum. And I’m sorry again.”
“I said it was okay, didn’t I? I’m still your friend; nothing has changed except now we’re normal friends who don’t have sex with each other.” Kibum smiled, standing up and offering his hand to Donghae. “Come on, I’ll make up the couch for you to sleep on.”
***
Over the next few weeks, Donghae found himself quite often over at Siwon’s. He couldn’t spend time at the dorms when Heechul or Eunhyuk were around. It was too awkward, running into them. It was even more awkward when both of them were missing from a room, because Donghae could imagine exactly what it was they were doing. So of course he avoided them as much as possible. This also meant that he stopped having sex with Eunhyuk. He actually stopped even talking to him, except when necessary. Donghae knew the other members thought it was weird that the two who were once so close now hardly interacted with each other at all, but Donghae was gone so often that no one got a chance to talk to him.
Donghae knew he could’ve gone to Kibum’s place, if he wanted. What Kibum had said was true; they were still friends. They texted sometimes, but Donghae didn’t want to go over there. Kibum was the only one who knew about Donghae’s feelings for Eunhyuk, and he didn’t want the question always hanging in the air of why Donghae hadn’t told Eunhyuk yet.
That was what Donghae did when he had problems. He ran, and tried to put them out of his mind. This situation was no different.
That was how Donghae ended up spending a lot of time at Siwon’s. Siwon was happy for the company, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew the reason Donghae kept coming over was to avoid something at the dorms. He wasn’t the first person to have fled to Siwon’s when trouble arose. But Donghae shrugged off all attempts of Siwon’s to discover the problem, immediately changing the subject. Luckily, Siwon got the hint pretty quickly that Donghae didn’t want to talk about it, and had to be satisfied with the fact that he was getting company.
Of course, there were some times when Siwon was busy, and Donghae wasn’t. If he was lucky, Heechul and Eunhyuk wouldn’t be home during those times. If they were, he holed himself up in his room. If they weren’t, Donghae just acted like everything was normal, interacting with the other members as usual. He knew they noticed something was up, but no one, not even Leeteuk said anything to him.
Donghae managed to successfully get by like this for a couple weeks. But one day he got back from his schedule early, and no one on his floor was home, so he decided to sit down and watch some TV. He was well immersed in some drama when Sungmin came down from upstairs, quietly slipping into the room with Donghae.
“Hey,” he said nonchalantly, taking a seat.
Donghae glanced at him, and saw that Sungmin was perched on the edge of his chair as if waiting to say something. Obviously this wasn’t just a casual visit. “Hey… Did you want something?” Donghae asked, not caring if he sounded rude. He just wanted Sungmin to say whatever he had to say, so they could get this over with.
Sungmin looked a little surprised at Donghae’s bluntness, but that didn’t deter him. “I, ah… Siwon told me you’ve been at his house a lot, lately, is that true?”
Donghae turned to Sungmin, his attention now fully on his hyung. “Yeah, it is. Why do you ask?” He watched as Sungmin fidgeted rather uncomfortably.
“I was just wondering… Why aren’t you ever at Kibum’s anymore?”
“Well, I…” Donghae’s sentence trailed off as a thought occurred to him. He was pretty sure Leeteuk was the only one who knew about his frequent visits to Kibum. How did Sungmin find out? Did Leeteuk tell him? He didn’t think the leader would go around telling everyone, but he might’ve told somebody. Besides, Donghae going to Kibum’s wasn’t a big deal. They were friends, everyone knew that. So why was Sungmin looking so uncomfortable?
“You know, don’t you?”
Sungmin’s eyes widened. “Know what?”
“You know about what was happening with Kibum and me.” It wasn’t a question. Donghae stared at Sungmin, his eyes squinting a little. Sungmin didn’t back down. He raised his chin a little, staring right back.
“Yeah. I know.”
Donghae bit his lip in thought. How could Sungmin have found out? Could Kibum have told anybody? No, Kibum wouldn’t tell anyone. Did Sungmin spy on Donghae? Well, it didn’t matter, because now one of the members knew. Why did it have to be Sungmin, of all people, to find out? It was no secret that the man was extremely close with Eunhyuk, and… wait.
“You told Eunhyuk, didn’t you?” Donghae accused.
Sungmin tore his gaze from Donghae, suddenly seeming to find the floor very interesting. “He had a right to know.”
It took everything in Donghae’s power to not get up and punch a hole in the wall. His anger rose as his nails dug into his palms. “Is that why he’s fucking Heechul, then?” He retorted.
The way that Sungmin looked up in shock, his mouth wide open, told Donghae that Sungmin hadn’t known about that. It almost made him want to laugh.
“He’s… what?”
This time, Donghae did laugh, and even to him it sounded hollow and empty. “For how close you claim you guys are, I guess he doesn’t tell you everything, huh?” In the silence that followed, he saw the hurt look on Sungmin’s face, and felt a little guilty. Donghae sighed. “Well, since you were wondering, me and Kibum… that’s not happening anymore. I don’t care if you tell Eunhyuk or not, it doesn’t matter to me.”
Sungmin stayed silent as Donghae got up and walked out of the room.
***
Unfortunately, after that, Donghae’s schedule cleared up and he found himself with a lot of free time. At the same time, Siwon’s schedule got busier, so Donghae couldn’t just hide over at his house like he’d been doing. Which meant he was stuck at the dorms.
It wasn’t hard to avoid Eunhyuk, because Eunhyuk was trying to avoid him, too. He noticed, though, that Eunhyuk was spending more and more time with Sungmin. He no longer disappeared with Heechul. Donghae assumed it had something to do with his chat with Sungmin.
But wait, if Sungmin told Eunhyuk he was no longer sleeping with Kibum, what difference did that make? Sure, Eunhyuk told Donghae once that he was in love with him, but Donghae wasn’t even sure if that was true anymore. If Eunhyuk had stopped sleeping with Heechul, what exactly did that mean? Did it mean Eunhyuk still loved Donghae?
Donghae didn’t want to assume anything. For all he knew, Eunhyuk hated him. In fact, he probably did. And honestly, Donghae didn’t blame him.
There was just one thing Donghae had overlooked. While he was trying to avoid Eunhyuk, he forgot that he was supposed to avoid Heechul as well.
So it was that Donghae found himself one evening looking up from his desk to see his hyung leaning against the doorframe of his room. Heechul knocked on the wood lightly with a couple of knuckles, even though he knew Donghae saw him.
“Hey, can I come in?”
Donghae’s mind raced. Shit, shit, shit, what does he want was the most prevalent thought as he reluctantly agreed. Heechul stepped in, standing for a minute before sitting on the edge of the bed.
“So,” Heechul started, picking at a fingernail, “you found out me and Eunhyuk were fucking, then?”
Donghae swallowed. Apparently Sungmin had told some people about their conversation. “Yeah, I know you’re fucking.”
“Were fucking, Donghae,” Heechul corrected.
Donghae stared. Well, he was right about that, too, then. “So… you’re not anymore?”
“No. And do you want to know why?” Heechul looked at him expectantly, and Donghae figured he had to say something to urge him on.
“Um, why?”
Heechul got up from the bed, walking around the room, seeming to ignore Donghae for a second. He stopped at Donghae’s dresser, finding interest in a little glass figurine of a fish that was placed there. “You know,” he said, not facing Donghae, “we only starting having sex after he tried to confess to you. And I went to him first, knowing he’d be vulnerable. I guess you can say I took advantage of him being a little heart-broken.” Heechul paused, roaming the room again. “He wanted to stop, you know. So we did, for a few days. But then he found out about you and Kibum.” He turned to face Donghae. “And we started having sex again. But when Sungmin told him you said you weren’t fucking Kibum anymore, of course he wanted to stop again. So we haven’t had sex since before that.”
Donghae sat silently, taking in all the information. “Why are you telling me this?”
Heechul sat down on the bed again, but this time right in front of Donghae. “The reason he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore is because he’s in love with you, you idiot. And you’re in love with him too, you just won’t admit it.”
Donghae swore that if his eyes had gotten any wider, they’d have popped out of his head. He rummaged in his brain, trying to find something to say, but nothing came to mind.
Heechul took his silence as confirmation. “I knew it. You are such an idiot sometimes, Donghae. What are you scared of? Getting hurt? The last thing in the world Eunhyuk wants to do is hurt you, Donghae. Whatever fears you have, get over them. You have a chance at real happiness. So take it before it’s too late.” He got up to leave.
Donghae turned towards Heechul, coming out of his stupor. “Hyung, what should I do?”
“Tell him how you feel,” Heechul said simply. And with that, he left Donghae alone with his thoughts.
***
Donghae stood outside of Eunhyuk’s room nervously. He knew the other was in there, because Donghae had just seen him walk in several minutes ago. His hands were a little clammy, and he rubbed them together, not really sure why he was feeling so nervous. He briefly wondered if this was how Eunhyuk felt before confessing to Donghae what seemed like forever ago.
He raised a hand shakily, knocking on the closed door. “Come in!” yelled the familiar voice from inside the room, and Donghae closed his eyes, taking a moment to relax before opening the door.
Donghae was expecting the surprise on Eunhyuk’s face as he walked in. They hadn’t been alone in a room together for weeks, and they definitely hadn’t had any sort of conversation outside variety shows. But as he saw Eunhyuk sitting on his bed, all his carefully rehearsed lines flew out of his head. It took all his energy to just stand there and not run out of the room, like he wanted to.
“Donghae?” Eunhyuk choked out, shock evident in his voice as much as it was on his face.
Donghae’s mouth opened and closed a couple times before he managed to stutter, “I-I just wanted to talk.”
Eunhyuk leaned back on his headboard, crossing his arms. “Um. Okay, what did you want to talk about?”
“Well I…” Donghae ran a hand through his hair, standing awkwardly next to Eunhyuk’s bed. He let out a breath before diving right in, eyes decidedly fixed on a place beside Eunhyuk’s head. “Look, I… haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, all right? Ever since I saw you and Heechul, I was so jealous, and I can’t get you off my mind.” He paused, trying to find the right words to say. “I don’t know if I can say I love you, because I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. But Eunhyuk…” Donghae found the courage to look straight into his eyes. “I need you. It hurts that you’re not by my side, that you’re not talking to me. And I… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to try being in a relationship with you, if you’ll still have me.”
Eunhyuk stared at a spot on the wall for a moment before flinging his legs off the bed, getting up to stand close to Donghae. “Do you think I would tell you I loved you and then say no to an offer like that?”
“Well, no-I don’t know, it’s just-”
Eunhyuk cut him off by pressing his mouth to Donghae’s. It was just for a brief moment, but it was enough to shut the other up. Donghae blinked, gaping kind of stupidly at Eunhyuk. Then he tilted his head, kissing Eunhyuk a second time. This kiss lasted longer, with Donghae’s hands on the older man’s waist and Eunhyuk wrapping his arms around Donghae’s neck. Their mouths opened slightly, and Eunhyuk dragged his tongue along the other’s teasingly before pulling back.
Donghae smiled, pulling Eunhyuk closer to him. “Does that mean you want to date me, then?”
Eunhyuk laughed brightly, his gums showing. “Only if you’ll actually take me on a date.”
Donghae grinned. “That can be arranged.”
***
Leeteuk watched the two beaming men leave the dorms hand in hand. He gazed at the door wistfully for a minute before turning to Sungmin.
“So?”
Sungmin looked at his phone, smiling slightly upon reading what was there. “Text from Hyukkie. They’re going out on a date,” he told Leeteuk happily, typing a reply.
Leeteuk couldn’t help the smile that found its way to his face. “Well, that’s one down then,” he said quietly to himself.
Sungmin looked up from his phone curiously. “What did you say, hyung?”
“Oh, nothing.”