Therapy Entry No. 300+
mmm, Ive done nothing all day but just stay in the house. I really dont like staying indoors unless Im with somebody. Cause if Im not and Im only by myself then I start...thinking. [and you dont needa see how I am when Im up in Raleigh] Ive got alot on my mind, and all Ive been thinking about all day is things that stress or have stressed me out in the past.
Its been nearly nine days passed the new year. I only made one resolution, and that was all about Kat. Ive decided that this year is the time to not to be jealous over her anymore and give her space. But it annoys me sometimes cause I feel like I take it too far...and in some ways of this whole "resolution thing", Im fucking something up. Cause for one I feel;
me no jealous of kat anymore = me no like kat anymore
Thats how I see it, in order for me to not be jealous anymore I should just stop liking her. And everytime I think about that 'dont like kat anymore' it partially pisses me off cause part of me is all 'oh if im not gonna like kat anymore i might as well just forget her all together and leave her as an associate that I rarely see when Im in town'. and I dont want to do that, I dont want to just push everything away and just plant the friendship back to square.
I mean the whole point OF the resolution ALONG with the gift that Ive got planned for her was to fix the friendship in the first place. And it makes me wonder if the resolution is even worth working into at all? And plus, is the gift even worth it at all. She's the only one who Ive spent more money on in my life and right now the price on the gift so far is still building up.
And I told myself before Im not buying the friendship back. I mean really, we dont see each or talk to each other so I believe I shouldnt call it "a friendship" in the first place...I really dont know what to call it. But Im doing this whole gift thing anyway. And I dont expect anything out of it.
Dont expect a hug...
or a kiss...
or a gift in return...
or some kinda sexual favor...
Usually Im excited when I give a gift to someone cause Im all "I wonder what the person will say and I hope theyre super happy!". Right now Im not really excited at all. When she opens the box I expect that...iono...she'll do that suttle smile of appreciation she always does cause she realized my point behind the gift, and then just go on with her life like hang out with Mike or something typical like that.
Just thinking that makes it all so mind numbing that its passed breaking my heart. I wont feel mad or sad or happy about anything. The time I felt anything, ANYTHING at all was if I was around her...and she just happen to be around someone else almost everytime. Anyone knows that nothing hurts more than watching someone you like go off with someone else.
I mean seriously, once Im done with this gift giving part I think my resolution will be over. Usually you feel accomplished after youve completed your resolution. I dont think Ill feel accomplished at all cause I havent won anything out of it. Really Ive said this before...the whole "I think Ive done enough to show you" entry. [eh, I dont think anyone couldve read that cause it was in private]
Ill be back again some other time to type myself some more therapy... :/
Its been nearly nine days passed the new year. I only made one resolution, and that was all about Kat. Ive decided that this year is the time to not to be jealous over her anymore and give her space. But it annoys me sometimes cause I feel like I take it too far...and in some ways of this whole "resolution thing", Im fucking something up. Cause for one I feel;
me no jealous of kat anymore = me no like kat anymore
Thats how I see it, in order for me to not be jealous anymore I should just stop liking her. And everytime I think about that 'dont like kat anymore' it partially pisses me off cause part of me is all 'oh if im not gonna like kat anymore i might as well just forget her all together and leave her as an associate that I rarely see when Im in town'. and I dont want to do that, I dont want to just push everything away and just plant the friendship back to square.
I mean the whole point OF the resolution ALONG with the gift that Ive got planned for her was to fix the friendship in the first place. And it makes me wonder if the resolution is even worth working into at all? And plus, is the gift even worth it at all. She's the only one who Ive spent more money on in my life and right now the price on the gift so far is still building up.
And I told myself before Im not buying the friendship back. I mean really, we dont see each or talk to each other so I believe I shouldnt call it "a friendship" in the first place...I really dont know what to call it. But Im doing this whole gift thing anyway. And I dont expect anything out of it.
Dont expect a hug...
or a kiss...
or a gift in return...
or some kinda sexual favor...
Usually Im excited when I give a gift to someone cause Im all "I wonder what the person will say and I hope theyre super happy!". Right now Im not really excited at all. When she opens the box I expect that...iono...she'll do that suttle smile of appreciation she always does cause she realized my point behind the gift, and then just go on with her life like hang out with Mike or something typical like that.
Just thinking that makes it all so mind numbing that its passed breaking my heart. I wont feel mad or sad or happy about anything. The time I felt anything, ANYTHING at all was if I was around her...and she just happen to be around someone else almost everytime. Anyone knows that nothing hurts more than watching someone you like go off with someone else.
I mean seriously, once Im done with this gift giving part I think my resolution will be over. Usually you feel accomplished after youve completed your resolution. I dont think Ill feel accomplished at all cause I havent won anything out of it. Really Ive said this before...the whole "I think Ive done enough to show you" entry. [eh, I dont think anyone couldve read that cause it was in private]
Ill be back again some other time to type myself some more therapy... :/