Another year... how?
Damn, I seem to be pretty bad at this thing. And while I could recap the last year and a month, I don't have the attention span for that at the moment, so I'm just going to delve into why I'm back here anyway.
I have to say, though, that re-reading my last 20 posts gave me interesting perspective on where I'm at now. Maybe that will be reason enough to keep going on this now.
I have recently been using my brother as my journal, which makes it hard to "repeat" myself so-to-speak. He is in jail in a place called Belleville, Kansas for 6 months (I'm crossing my fingers for getting out early for good behavior). its a long story, but he's basically in there for being stubborn and slightly dilusional. Anyway, after he gets out he's moving up here with me. One less person I have to feel bad about not visiting in Kansas, I guess.
So with the recent appearance of fall, at least here, I have been making some changes and feeling some changes I wasn't prepared for. I'll be the first to admit that in the past couple of years, certainly this past summer, I have owned up to my journal name (Sex and the City Girl). In addition to my relationship a.d.d. I was also a decent sized alcoholic. I think I am somewhat justified in blaming the city for that. With near 9 months of gray and cold and rain, I get a little stir-crazy, so by the time summer and nice weather and longer days hit, I'm more than ready to make up for lost time. So I went out and carelessly caroused with boys and had a blast. But with the coming of cooler weather and shorter days, I feel myself becoming less motivated to go out at all. Not to mention that I really don't see any of these guys as potential boyfriends, just fun people that I can distract myself with. Hmmm. Also attached to the lacking desire to go out, comes the desire to be more responsible about my level of intoxication. So I've set some boundaries and adhered to them pretty well so far. But you can bet your ass that I don't want to go hang out with people who are drinking, etc and stay sober. That is simply not at all appealing. Call me selfish, whatever. Problem is, though, that most of these boys are really best taken with alcohol. And it has become such a social thing to do. It eases tension, it's social, I love bars, I meet people (hello, boys) and have a great time, and I'm funny and it's great. So now I'm left with this handful of boys dangling because I can't bring myself to break it to them that I am really not interested... sober. And I'm sure part of it is that I'm feeling the anti-social/hermit-y pull of winter, already. But I don't think that's necessarily all of it. I just like being alone quite a bit, and, having a roommate, it gets a little difficult, so when I get nights to myself, I want them TO MYSELF. I swear sometimes I'm a 40-year old cat lady.
So tonight, I have successfully but not tactfully avoided one of the boys I'm avoiding by tooling around trying to figure out how to use Cheryl's ANCIENT hand-me-down sewing machine, watching Sex and the City (fitting, I know) and journaling. Anything to try to justify whatever excuse I might have felt like I needed in case he somehow caught me avoiding him.
I'm a little worried. About this sober situation (or more sober situation) that I'm imposing on myself. I can't tell you the last date I went on stone sober. I at least have 2-3 drinks, so I'm not drunk, just smiley. I tend to get super self conscious about stuff when I'm sober. Plus, being in my 20s, most of my friends are drunk or stoned or not completely coherent most of the time anyway. And as I mentioned before, they're only fun when I'm in the same frame of mind. I'm conflicted. I'm not not drinking, I'm just trying really hard not to get drunk. And I'm trying not to drink more than 2 drinks at a time, no more than 2-3 times a week. I just don't have the desire to go out if I can't have "fun". So maybe I'll just turn into a hermit who journals all night. sigh.
Oh, on a different note, I finished the Twilight saga. Holy best-written-books-ever! I have NEVER been so intoxicated (no pun intended) by a book or an author like I was with these books. Oh my GOD, Stephenie Meyers captures EVERYTHING that is sweet and awesome and hopeful about falling in love, especially first love. And at this point in my life, considering the cesspool of guys I've had "entertain" me in the last year (with the exception of a couple) I was more in love with the characters in those books than anyone I actually involved myself with. By a long shot. That's really sad.
On a brighter note, after reading my previous posts, I should update on those people mentioned that are still in my life.
Eric is still around. We came out of everything being really good friends. He's now managing a restaurant in California for a bit and then will move back up here and manage one of his dad's. I visited him once since he moved there (I ran a 1/2 marathon in San Francisco and crashed at his place), and he's been back once to see me (and everyone else). It' has turned into a really sweet relationship. We never lost contact in the 3 years that we've known each other, only watched each other grow up and gotten to appreciate each other better.
Brandon is one of my very best guy friends. We used to see a LOT of each other, but I moved in w/ Cheryl and a bit further from downtown and he got a girlfriend, so I see him less now. Which sucks. Everyone says he and I should date, and we've considered it, but it has never been at a time when the other is considering it too. I figure someday we'll get around to it...
I fell in love once in the time that i've been here and it did not end well, but that's a WHOLE 'nother entry for another hermity night. His name was Jamie. And I wish with every particle of my being that I could stop thinking about him. And forget his phone number, even though I've taken it out of my phone. And stop looking for him in places that I think he'll be. And stop my heart from speeding up when I do run into him, or hear something about him.
And finally, I still haven't talked to or heard from my dad. I'd love to blame him for my guy problems, but I don't want to give him that much credit.
I guess that's enough for one evening.
xoxo
I have to say, though, that re-reading my last 20 posts gave me interesting perspective on where I'm at now. Maybe that will be reason enough to keep going on this now.
I have recently been using my brother as my journal, which makes it hard to "repeat" myself so-to-speak. He is in jail in a place called Belleville, Kansas for 6 months (I'm crossing my fingers for getting out early for good behavior). its a long story, but he's basically in there for being stubborn and slightly dilusional. Anyway, after he gets out he's moving up here with me. One less person I have to feel bad about not visiting in Kansas, I guess.
So with the recent appearance of fall, at least here, I have been making some changes and feeling some changes I wasn't prepared for. I'll be the first to admit that in the past couple of years, certainly this past summer, I have owned up to my journal name (Sex and the City Girl). In addition to my relationship a.d.d. I was also a decent sized alcoholic. I think I am somewhat justified in blaming the city for that. With near 9 months of gray and cold and rain, I get a little stir-crazy, so by the time summer and nice weather and longer days hit, I'm more than ready to make up for lost time. So I went out and carelessly caroused with boys and had a blast. But with the coming of cooler weather and shorter days, I feel myself becoming less motivated to go out at all. Not to mention that I really don't see any of these guys as potential boyfriends, just fun people that I can distract myself with. Hmmm. Also attached to the lacking desire to go out, comes the desire to be more responsible about my level of intoxication. So I've set some boundaries and adhered to them pretty well so far. But you can bet your ass that I don't want to go hang out with people who are drinking, etc and stay sober. That is simply not at all appealing. Call me selfish, whatever. Problem is, though, that most of these boys are really best taken with alcohol. And it has become such a social thing to do. It eases tension, it's social, I love bars, I meet people (hello, boys) and have a great time, and I'm funny and it's great. So now I'm left with this handful of boys dangling because I can't bring myself to break it to them that I am really not interested... sober. And I'm sure part of it is that I'm feeling the anti-social/hermit-y pull of winter, already. But I don't think that's necessarily all of it. I just like being alone quite a bit, and, having a roommate, it gets a little difficult, so when I get nights to myself, I want them TO MYSELF. I swear sometimes I'm a 40-year old cat lady.
So tonight, I have successfully but not tactfully avoided one of the boys I'm avoiding by tooling around trying to figure out how to use Cheryl's ANCIENT hand-me-down sewing machine, watching Sex and the City (fitting, I know) and journaling. Anything to try to justify whatever excuse I might have felt like I needed in case he somehow caught me avoiding him.
I'm a little worried. About this sober situation (or more sober situation) that I'm imposing on myself. I can't tell you the last date I went on stone sober. I at least have 2-3 drinks, so I'm not drunk, just smiley. I tend to get super self conscious about stuff when I'm sober. Plus, being in my 20s, most of my friends are drunk or stoned or not completely coherent most of the time anyway. And as I mentioned before, they're only fun when I'm in the same frame of mind. I'm conflicted. I'm not not drinking, I'm just trying really hard not to get drunk. And I'm trying not to drink more than 2 drinks at a time, no more than 2-3 times a week. I just don't have the desire to go out if I can't have "fun". So maybe I'll just turn into a hermit who journals all night. sigh.
Oh, on a different note, I finished the Twilight saga. Holy best-written-books-ever! I have NEVER been so intoxicated (no pun intended) by a book or an author like I was with these books. Oh my GOD, Stephenie Meyers captures EVERYTHING that is sweet and awesome and hopeful about falling in love, especially first love. And at this point in my life, considering the cesspool of guys I've had "entertain" me in the last year (with the exception of a couple) I was more in love with the characters in those books than anyone I actually involved myself with. By a long shot. That's really sad.
On a brighter note, after reading my previous posts, I should update on those people mentioned that are still in my life.
Eric is still around. We came out of everything being really good friends. He's now managing a restaurant in California for a bit and then will move back up here and manage one of his dad's. I visited him once since he moved there (I ran a 1/2 marathon in San Francisco and crashed at his place), and he's been back once to see me (and everyone else). It' has turned into a really sweet relationship. We never lost contact in the 3 years that we've known each other, only watched each other grow up and gotten to appreciate each other better.
Brandon is one of my very best guy friends. We used to see a LOT of each other, but I moved in w/ Cheryl and a bit further from downtown and he got a girlfriend, so I see him less now. Which sucks. Everyone says he and I should date, and we've considered it, but it has never been at a time when the other is considering it too. I figure someday we'll get around to it...
I fell in love once in the time that i've been here and it did not end well, but that's a WHOLE 'nother entry for another hermity night. His name was Jamie. And I wish with every particle of my being that I could stop thinking about him. And forget his phone number, even though I've taken it out of my phone. And stop looking for him in places that I think he'll be. And stop my heart from speeding up when I do run into him, or hear something about him.
And finally, I still haven't talked to or heard from my dad. I'd love to blame him for my guy problems, but I don't want to give him that much credit.
I guess that's enough for one evening.
xoxo