The Crossroads, Once Again
Life is always changing, for everyone.... but for some reason... my life has always been on the crazier side. It's been full of mountain peaks, cliffs, valleys, pits, and crossroads. Some larger and scarier than others.
I'm at one of those right now. A scary crossroad, that is.
When I was younger, I would have been crying by now, hysterical with grief at the passing of time and people and fear of the Unknown.
But, for some reason, a quiet sense of stillness has gripped me these past few days. Urgency is there, fear and nervousness.... but not to the degree that I would have normally experienced. I feel quiet inside.... calm... fear waylaid by resignation and curiousity... and hope. There's definitely hope. Fear and hope... what a combination.
For the past few months, I've been living in South Chicago with a friend of mine, Jess. Ever since I was let go from the dorms, and lost my place to live... along with my every day life. However, I've still spent quite a bit of my time at the dorms, visiting with friends and doing a lot of the things that I would normally have been doing over the summer. In fact, I must say, this summer has been a very good one. Time spent with friends at the beach, in the sun, at theme parks, partying late into many nights at hookah parties and other such events... Well, for the first time in a long time I can say that I've had a very enjoyable summer, despite the lack of funds and security.
I've spent time with relatively new but beloved friends... and time with old friends that I've rekindled an amazing relationship with, such as my best friend Danielle. That re-igniting friendship has meant the world to me, especially. It proved a lot to me, and set aside the past fear that once an era of my life was over that I'd never have the people I loved in my life later on down the road. Also... spending time with Tawfiq, who I love very much and always will... and with Anu, who's become like a sister as well as a best friend to me... and spending time with MY sister... and Jess, obviously. Who's been a fun friend, good roommate, and all around good person to be with at this time in my life.
But I do still stand at that Crossroad.
I had wanted to go back to the dorms, and back to Purdue... for two main reasons. Obviously, that of my education and career. I don't WANT to have to take a semester off, frankly. Not that I don't think I'll go back, like I did previously... because I'm older now and know myself better than that and know that I won't do that again... but just because I'm not getting any younger and I still have years to go. And two, honestly, because in a way I miss my life at the dorms. But in a way, also... I've come to realize that life there wouldn't be the same as before. The Brown Boys, the vast majority of them (and the ones that I'm closest to) are leaving in a few days. Other friends are leaving for various endeavors around the area, or even to other states. Not many will be left. But there is something to be said about being in a place where you know the routine and know the area.... security, basically.
But, unfortunately, due to the fact that my jerk ex-boss is not only holding against me the charges for the last two months of the Spring contract (I was let go in mid April, so they're charging me for April and May), but also for the charges for the Summer months, as I'd already signed a contract to live there before I realized I wouldn't be able to afford to pay it and moved out. So, in total, I owe Purdue around $1600 that I don't have. My mother, for once, was willing to help me pay the Spring months... but with the Summer charges added onto it, there's no possible way that I can afford to pay it all within a month and get back to school for the Fall semester.
So, with that being said... I have other options that arise. As my roommate Jess must also move out of our current apartment by the last day of August and is looking for a place, we're both out of a place here. Once she gets a place, she's offered to let me stay on her couch... possibly because she cares and possibly because we get along well as roommates AND friends... but for right now there's no sure set date as to when she'll get her place. Tawfiq has offered to let me stay as well... but he also is moving out of the dorms and will be sleeping on couches for a bit until HE finds a place. And for other reasons, such as our strange relationship/friendship, I'd rather NOT depend on his hospitality for a few months. Though we love each other a lot, and he was and is the love of this past six months... living with him and asking so much of him could possibly put too great of a strain on what's already a strained friendship/relationship. Another possibility (and my last absolute resort) is staying with my mom and step-dad for the semester... but unless I have to... that's not going to happen. We all know just how crazy and depressed I get when I live with them. I can't take their constant fighting and crazy alcoholism, to be frank.
And then there is the fact that I'm leaving, early Tuesday morning, for vacation with Matt. I'm flying to D.C. to meet him, we're staying a few days to meet his friends and parents... then we're driving along the East and Southern Coasts til we get to San Antonio, where he's now stationed and moving to. I'll be helping him drive his stuff down there, which I feel glad for in a way because I feel needed and helpful..... which is good... because I'm definitely nervous about meeting this guy that I've been amazing friends with online and on the phone for 10 years! <*sigh> Frankly, I'm scared to death... but my heart is full with love and hope as well, because finally he might be in my life for real. No matter what happens... I just hope that our friendship is cemented and we have as much fun being together (as people and friends) as we always thought we would and always had online and during those thousands of hours we've spent over the past 10 years on the phone....... and that we obviously love and care about each other. The way best friends do.
Not to mention that he is hopeful, as well that we can at least be good friends.... and even roommates. Yes, he wants me to move in with him, and has even found a two bedroom apartment in San Antonio, that is beyond amazing and beyond reasonably priced. Deep down inside, I know he wants a relationship with me... but he is such an honest person that I know that he's telling the truth that if that does not work out.... he will be more than happy to have me as friend and roommate. I won't lie and say a little part of me doesn't hope that he wants to be with me as well... but because of my body image and extremely hurt heart from the past 4 years of relationships.... I'm not really letting myself hope too much. That and I don't want to jump into things with him.... A) because of his recent divorce (its just not healthy for him) and B) because I don't want to jump into living with someone that I'm in a brand new relationship with and if it comes down to me needing to live with him.... well.... that's a whole kettle of fish right there!
But... also... something I've come to realize from all this........ In a way, there's no way of predicting what's going to happen. With any of it. Seriously. We may try to force our lives to be predictable, and for it to do what we want it to do... but damn it... that's never going to happen.
So... I'm taking it as it comes.
I'm going on this vacation with the hope to at the very least come back with a very good friend in my life and 2 weeks of relaxing, de-stressing time behind me. Something I definitely need. And that when I get back... if I come back... that things here will be a tiny bit clearer... or at least at the point where decisions will have to be made relatively quickly. <*sigh>
So here it is. The Time of Reckoning.
Despite everything that I've said, though, I really do wish I knew which way my Life is about to go. Just a little bit...
And no matter what.... I'll never forget, and never quit missing, the people that are in my life right now that definitely are... and might... be moving out of my every day life. <*sigh> That's something you can never QUITE get used to and never quite not be sad about. At least... not I....
Keep your fingers crossed for me people.... please.
This week: Obtaining boxes to pack up what will be stored at my mother's during the next few months (house decorations, kitchen stuff, etc). Packing those boxes. Running last minute errands (such as haircut and contact appointments). Picking up my suitcase and dropping off the car keys. Finding out HOW the FUCK I'm gonna get to the airport in the first place. Etc. But most of all.... packing.
~*Amanda
I'm at one of those right now. A scary crossroad, that is.
When I was younger, I would have been crying by now, hysterical with grief at the passing of time and people and fear of the Unknown.
But, for some reason, a quiet sense of stillness has gripped me these past few days. Urgency is there, fear and nervousness.... but not to the degree that I would have normally experienced. I feel quiet inside.... calm... fear waylaid by resignation and curiousity... and hope. There's definitely hope. Fear and hope... what a combination.
For the past few months, I've been living in South Chicago with a friend of mine, Jess. Ever since I was let go from the dorms, and lost my place to live... along with my every day life. However, I've still spent quite a bit of my time at the dorms, visiting with friends and doing a lot of the things that I would normally have been doing over the summer. In fact, I must say, this summer has been a very good one. Time spent with friends at the beach, in the sun, at theme parks, partying late into many nights at hookah parties and other such events... Well, for the first time in a long time I can say that I've had a very enjoyable summer, despite the lack of funds and security.
I've spent time with relatively new but beloved friends... and time with old friends that I've rekindled an amazing relationship with, such as my best friend Danielle. That re-igniting friendship has meant the world to me, especially. It proved a lot to me, and set aside the past fear that once an era of my life was over that I'd never have the people I loved in my life later on down the road. Also... spending time with Tawfiq, who I love very much and always will... and with Anu, who's become like a sister as well as a best friend to me... and spending time with MY sister... and Jess, obviously. Who's been a fun friend, good roommate, and all around good person to be with at this time in my life.
But I do still stand at that Crossroad.
I had wanted to go back to the dorms, and back to Purdue... for two main reasons. Obviously, that of my education and career. I don't WANT to have to take a semester off, frankly. Not that I don't think I'll go back, like I did previously... because I'm older now and know myself better than that and know that I won't do that again... but just because I'm not getting any younger and I still have years to go. And two, honestly, because in a way I miss my life at the dorms. But in a way, also... I've come to realize that life there wouldn't be the same as before. The Brown Boys, the vast majority of them (and the ones that I'm closest to) are leaving in a few days. Other friends are leaving for various endeavors around the area, or even to other states. Not many will be left. But there is something to be said about being in a place where you know the routine and know the area.... security, basically.
But, unfortunately, due to the fact that my jerk ex-boss is not only holding against me the charges for the last two months of the Spring contract (I was let go in mid April, so they're charging me for April and May), but also for the charges for the Summer months, as I'd already signed a contract to live there before I realized I wouldn't be able to afford to pay it and moved out. So, in total, I owe Purdue around $1600 that I don't have. My mother, for once, was willing to help me pay the Spring months... but with the Summer charges added onto it, there's no possible way that I can afford to pay it all within a month and get back to school for the Fall semester.
So, with that being said... I have other options that arise. As my roommate Jess must also move out of our current apartment by the last day of August and is looking for a place, we're both out of a place here. Once she gets a place, she's offered to let me stay on her couch... possibly because she cares and possibly because we get along well as roommates AND friends... but for right now there's no sure set date as to when she'll get her place. Tawfiq has offered to let me stay as well... but he also is moving out of the dorms and will be sleeping on couches for a bit until HE finds a place. And for other reasons, such as our strange relationship/friendship, I'd rather NOT depend on his hospitality for a few months. Though we love each other a lot, and he was and is the love of this past six months... living with him and asking so much of him could possibly put too great of a strain on what's already a strained friendship/relationship. Another possibility (and my last absolute resort) is staying with my mom and step-dad for the semester... but unless I have to... that's not going to happen. We all know just how crazy and depressed I get when I live with them. I can't take their constant fighting and crazy alcoholism, to be frank.
And then there is the fact that I'm leaving, early Tuesday morning, for vacation with Matt. I'm flying to D.C. to meet him, we're staying a few days to meet his friends and parents... then we're driving along the East and Southern Coasts til we get to San Antonio, where he's now stationed and moving to. I'll be helping him drive his stuff down there, which I feel glad for in a way because I feel needed and helpful..... which is good... because I'm definitely nervous about meeting this guy that I've been amazing friends with online and on the phone for 10 years! <*sigh> Frankly, I'm scared to death... but my heart is full with love and hope as well, because finally he might be in my life for real. No matter what happens... I just hope that our friendship is cemented and we have as much fun being together (as people and friends) as we always thought we would and always had online and during those thousands of hours we've spent over the past 10 years on the phone....... and that we obviously love and care about each other. The way best friends do.
Not to mention that he is hopeful, as well that we can at least be good friends.... and even roommates. Yes, he wants me to move in with him, and has even found a two bedroom apartment in San Antonio, that is beyond amazing and beyond reasonably priced. Deep down inside, I know he wants a relationship with me... but he is such an honest person that I know that he's telling the truth that if that does not work out.... he will be more than happy to have me as friend and roommate. I won't lie and say a little part of me doesn't hope that he wants to be with me as well... but because of my body image and extremely hurt heart from the past 4 years of relationships.... I'm not really letting myself hope too much. That and I don't want to jump into things with him.... A) because of his recent divorce (its just not healthy for him) and B) because I don't want to jump into living with someone that I'm in a brand new relationship with and if it comes down to me needing to live with him.... well.... that's a whole kettle of fish right there!
But... also... something I've come to realize from all this........ In a way, there's no way of predicting what's going to happen. With any of it. Seriously. We may try to force our lives to be predictable, and for it to do what we want it to do... but damn it... that's never going to happen.
So... I'm taking it as it comes.
I'm going on this vacation with the hope to at the very least come back with a very good friend in my life and 2 weeks of relaxing, de-stressing time behind me. Something I definitely need. And that when I get back... if I come back... that things here will be a tiny bit clearer... or at least at the point where decisions will have to be made relatively quickly. <*sigh>
So here it is. The Time of Reckoning.
Despite everything that I've said, though, I really do wish I knew which way my Life is about to go. Just a little bit...
And no matter what.... I'll never forget, and never quit missing, the people that are in my life right now that definitely are... and might... be moving out of my every day life. <*sigh> That's something you can never QUITE get used to and never quite not be sad about. At least... not I....
Keep your fingers crossed for me people.... please.
This week: Obtaining boxes to pack up what will be stored at my mother's during the next few months (house decorations, kitchen stuff, etc). Packing those boxes. Running last minute errands (such as haircut and contact appointments). Picking up my suitcase and dropping off the car keys. Finding out HOW the FUCK I'm gonna get to the airport in the first place. Etc. But most of all.... packing.
~*Amanda