Falling Apart to Have Time Part Four
“Sergeant!” Jerrid looked entirely too happy to see him. “We weren’t expecting you back so soon!”
Snob couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Have to see Captain Finevoice,” he said. “I was told he’s expecting me.”
“He’s upstairs,” Jerrid said. “Royals already driving you crazy?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Snob said. “Have Sarah bring us lunch, would you?” He headed up the stairs and knocked on Captain Finevoice’s door.
It opened immediately. “Afternoon,” Captain Finevoice said.
Snob nodded and followed him inside. They sat down at the table and Captain Finevoice passed a basket over. “Week’s worth of medicine,” he said. “All I can get at once. Tell the general it’s for your leg if he asks.”
“Thanks,” Snob said. “Now are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Captain Finevoice raised his eyebrows. “What makes you think I know?” he asked.
“The youngest prince said you sent me for a reason,” Snob said. “And I don’t think it was to be a spontaneous foot doctor. So are you going to tell me why the fuck I’m spending an hour a day kneeling on stone floors?”
Captain Finevoice rolled another cigarette deliberately slowly. He lit it and took a deep inhale before he looked at Snob again. “All right, I didn’t recommend you because of your skills with bandages,” he finally said. “And it’s not just because of your good looks, either.”
Snob couldn’t help but smirk. “I think the princesses appreciate that, though,” he said.
“Thought they might,” Captain Finevoice said. “But it’s not cause of that, either. And it’s not cause I like you-not that I don’t, but if I recommended everyone I like for the castle guard, we’d have a pretty piss-poor army.” He took another drag off his cigarette. “You know how long I’ve been in the army?”
Snob blinked. “No?” he said. “But what the fuck-?”
“Forty years,” Captain Finevoice continued. “Ever since I was fifteen and pounding a beat as a drummer boy. Worked my way up the ranks, got into the fighting units, and did well enough to get a recommendation for the castle guard. Twenty years there, half of it as Captain of the Guard.”
“Captain…”
“And during my time there, I saw every one of those kids come to the castle,” Captain Finevoice said, as though Snob hadn’t spoken. “I’ve been there since the King was a little boy…pretty much since the twins were born. I watched ‘em all grow up, and I stood guard over them for most of their lives. They’re what my life’s work has come down to, and I’ll be damned if I have to watch ‘em suffer anymore.” He looked at Snob seriously. “So that’s why I recommended you. Cause I trust you to take care of them.”
Snob frowned. “But…if you want to help them, why do you keep letting them ruin their feet?” he asked.
Captain Finevoice sighed. “After all of that, do you really think I wouldn’t help them if I could?” he asked back. “Believe me…I’d give anything to stop it happening. But they won’t let me…the most I can do is ask you to look after them for me.”
There was a knock on the door and Sarah brought lunch in. The two men waited until she was done before Snob spoke again. “Why can’t you tell me what’s happening?” he asked.
“I can’t even tell you that much,” Captain Finevoice answered. “All I can say is that I have high hopes that you can save them.”
They ate in silence for a few minutes before Captain Finevoice asked, “Do you like them?”
Snob shrugged. “Seem nice enough,” he said. “They’re paying me well for this, anyway. But I haven’t really talked to them about anything that isn’t business.”
“You should,” Captain Finevoice said. “They’re nice kids. And they need a friend.”
Snob thought about that for a moment before he nodded. “Tell me about them, then,” he said.
Captain Finevoice smiled. “Critic’s the oldest,” Captain Finevoice said. “Technically, anyway, though he and Chick are twins…Critic’s Crown Prince, though. The King’s brother and sister, and a team of trouble-makers. Used to spend all their time using their hot and cold method to get us to do anything they wanted.”
Snob settled in for a very long afternoon. Clearly, he had found Captain Finevoice’s favorite topic of conversation. Captain Finevoice went on to describe all of the young royals, their various misdeeds and relations, about Spoony’s anger issues and Marzgurl’s cleverness, about Vira’s love of books and Tamara’s love of weapons, about Elisa’s obsession with vampires and Oancitizen’s quiet intelligence, about Grace’s cheer and Roses’s love and Lupa’s humor.
“And Film Brain?” Snob asked three hours later, after a very long story about how Lupa and Marzgurl had once turned the entire castle to chaos with a few well-thrown snowballs.
Captain Finevoice smiled softly. “Ah, yes,” he said. “Little Film Brain.” He shook his head. “Sweetest kid you’ll ever meet. I remember when he first came to the castle…tiniest thing I’d ever seen, and so quiet…not that he doesn’t get excited. You just have to find his passion, and he’ll talk for hours.” He looked at Snob seriously. “He needs taking care of, more than the others. The rest of them, they’re tough. They’ll go through anything with a smile. But him…well, if anyone hurts him, they’ll have an entire army to deal with.”
*
The next several days passed in much the same way. Snob stood guard every night, with 90s Kid chattering away about something, or the other guard standing stiffly silent. At sunrise, Snob would go in and treat the young royals for their injuries, and then return to his post. Once he was off-duty, he would sleep little and spend the rest of the day in the library, hidden in a corner with books that had been long-forgotten by everyone else.
No one ever bothered him, which suited Snob just fine. He had been a sociable man before the war, but the months of fighting and fear had taken their toll, and now he was content to speak to no one he didn’t have to. The young royals all seemed to understand this, and none of them said anything to him besides a tired “good morning” and a polite “thank you.” Most mornings, they were all too tired to speak, and oftentimes would have fallen asleep by the time Snob had finished caring for them.
He barely even saw anyone else, and certainly never stopped to speak to anybody between the barracks and the library. No one else even seemed to notice he existed. Then again, castle guards were generally regarded as invisible until there was an active threat.
A few days after Snob had taken up the job of helping the young royals, he entered the library as usual late in the afternoon and spotted Critic, sitting at a table hunched over a book. The Lord Chamberlain was standing next to him, talking too quietly for Snob to hear, but Snob did notice the tension in Critic’s shoulders and he recalled the order that Captain Finevoice had given when he first arrived at the castle.
That warning became even sharper when Ask That Guy brushed a hand over Critic’s neck in a gesture that could have been interpreted as friendly had Critic not jerked away so violently. Snob knew it was really none of his business, but he also knew that Captain Finevoice had meant what he said about the princes. Snob went over, staying quiet and straining his ears to pick up what Ask That Guy was saying.
“Would it be so bad?” Snob heard Ask That Guy whisper. “I would take very good care of you all.”
“No,” Critic said. “Fuck off.”
“Not until you say the word,” Ask That Guy said. “It would be simple…your brother would approve.”
Snob decided that it was time to interfere. He coughed politely, getting the Lord Chamberlain’s attention. “Begging your pardon, sir,” he said. “But General Anesthetic wanted to see you.”
Ask That Guy’s eyes narrowed, but Snob merely raised an eyebrow. The Lord Chamberlain nodded slowly. “Thank you, Sergeant,” he said. “I will be with him shortly.” He smiled lecherously at Critic once more. “I’ll see you later, Your Highness,” he said, his voice dripping with insincere obsequy. “When you’ve had a little more time to think.” With that, he turned and left the library.
Critic looked at Snob, blinking back tears. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Snob nodded. “East wing by the barracks is empty right now,” he said. “Soldiers are either asleep or on drill. Might be harder for him to find you there.”
Critic nodded and got up, taking his book with him as he limped away.
*
Snob had made a promise not to ask questions, but he couldn’t help but speak the next morning when he went in to tend to Critic.
“So what’s the deal with the Lord Chamberlain?” he asked.
Critic started. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Snob gave him a severe look. “I mean that Captain Finevoice gave orders that he was to be kept away from you, and yesterday you were very grateful for him to be gone.”
“The King trusts him,” Critic said.
“And?”
“And that’s good enough for me,” Critic said shortly.
Snob was quiet for a moment, focusing on his bandaging. “The King is your brother, right?” he finally said.
“By blood, yes,” Critic said. “But he became King very young and hasn’t been my brother for years.”
“Does he know about this?” Snob nodded at the feet he had just finished bandaging.
“He knows he has to buy shoes for us every day,” Critic said. “Got to the point where he’s just got a whole room full of them pre-ordered.”
“And does he know why it’s happening?”
Critic was silent for a moment. “I thought we agreed you wouldn’t ask questions,” he finally said.
“Sorry, Your Highness.” Snob pulled himself to his feet. “I’ll just be off, then…have to finish with Princess Chick.” He washed his hands and bowed before leaving the room and heading across the hall.
In the few days that Snob had been caring for the young royals, he had learned that Chick was about the least sociable of them, rarely giving him so much as a greeting. But to Snob’s surprise, she spoke as he knelt down.
“I take it Captain Finevoice warned you about the Lord Chamberlain,” she said.
Snob glanced up at her. “In a manner of speaking,” he answered. “Didn’t say why, just that I should keep him away from the Crown Prince.”
Chick nodded. She was silent for a moment before she spoke again. “I am grateful to you,” she said. “For interfering. The Lord Chamberlain often forgets his place and what is appropriate with a royal.” Her hands clenched on the arm of her chair. “You should know that he’s always making passes at my brother, in spite of multiple warnings from all of us to fuck off.”
“I’ll keep it in mind, Your Highness,” Snob said. “Though I won’t be able to pull the same trick on him again.”
“I know,” she said. “But thank you, anyway.”
*
After that, the young royals were a bit friendlier. They were still exhausted when Snob went to them each morning, but now they would exchange a few words with him, and sometimes hold a full conversation.
They were a charming group, really, once they started talking more. Snob found that he could laugh easily with Lupa and Spoony, have good discussions about books with Oancitizen and Vira, even dispense a bit of advice to Elisa and Tamara. They would greet him in the halls when they passed him now, though that was rare since the young royals preferred to spend their days in seclusion whenever they could, in places where they didn’t have to walk.
Except for Film Brain, who started coming to the library the day after Snob had asked about the Lord Chamberlain.
The young prince didn’t even announce himself, simply dropped into a chair next to Snob with a book in hand. Snob looked over the top of what he was reading. “Can I help you?” he asked.
“No,” Film Brain said. “Just thought you might like some company. Critic says you’re always in here alone.”
Snob shrugged. “Better than the barracks,” he muttered. “Less people to annoy me.”
“I won’t annoy you,” Film Brain promised. “But it’s always better to read through this library with someone…especially when you’re reading things like that.” He nodded to the book Snob was holding, which was made of red leather and had the word “Xanadu” emblazoned on the front.
“Chick gave it to me,” Snob said. “She said it’s about the worst book ever.”
“Is it?”
He shrugged. “Not as bad as it could be. It’s at least kind of fun. And it’s not about war.”
Film Brain was quiet for a moment. “Was it terrible?” he asked.
Snob stared at the wall for a long time. “Yes,” he said bluntly. “It’s loud, and it’s painful, and you’re always afraid that you’re going to die, or that your friends will die, and you have to march for hours on end and you never know when you’re going to have to fight…when you’re going to have to kill someone. Someone who’s probably just like you, with a home and a family and goals and dreams…and you may just have to shoot them down like they’re an animal. Like they don’t matter.”
Film Brain didn’t answer, merely moved a little bit closer to Snob and touched his hand. Snob didn’t react, but he did feel a bit better.
*
Snob met Captain Finevoice again at the end of the week to pick up more medicine.
“How are they?” Captain Finevoice asked as they sat down for lunch.
“Doing better, I think,” Snob said. “They seem happier, anyway. More friendly, but I think they miss you.”
“I miss them, too.” Captain Finevoice stared into space for a moment, but then seemed to shake himself a bit. “Anything to report?”
“I did catch the Lord Chamberlain creeping on Critic,” Snob said. “Got rid of him, but I don’t think it’s going to last.”
Captain Finevoice grunted. “Figured he might,” he muttered.
“What’s the deal with him, anyway?” Snob asked. “Everyone acts like he’s the devil or something.”
“Might as well be,” Captain Finevoice muttered. “I can’t say much about it, except that the man is clever, conniving, and evil as they come. I can promise that he hoped I would die in the war, and that he’s very disappointed I didn’t. General Anesthetic is one of his men, so be careful of him as well.”
“Noted,” Snob said. “And you can’t tell me-?”
“No,” Captain Finevoice snapped. “So don’t ask.”
*
“I think we have a problem.”
General Anesthetic looked at Ask That Guy inscrutably. It was his usual expression. “In what way?” the general asked.
“That new guard you hired,” Ask That Guy explained. “The one Finevoice recommended. He seems to be getting close to the young royals.”
“Not much I can do about that,” General Anesthetic said. “Can’t fire someone for doing his job.”
“But he’s not just doing his job, is he?” Ask That Guy said, more to himself. “He’s been leaving his post to go in to them every morning…and he was getting awfully cozy with Film Brain in the library.” He seemed to be recovering a bit of his good humor. “Soldiers are notorious for their lechery,” he continued. “It’s only a matter of time before he slips...before we can convict him of something.”
“Just a question, boss,” General Anesthetic said. “But why do we need to get rid of him? It’s not like he’s any closer to figuring out what’s going on. The young royals can’t tell him, and neither can Finevoice…what’s he going to do?”
Ask That Guy gave him a glare. “If he’s close to any of them, he might be able to seduce them,” he explained impatiently. “And if he seduces one, and they can convince the King he’s a good man, it’s all over and we’ll both be banished…or beheaded.”
General Anesthetic sighed. “What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“Keep a closer eye on that soldier,” Ask That Guy commanded. “And if he even begins to step out of line, get rid of him. In any way you can.”
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Snob couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Have to see Captain Finevoice,” he said. “I was told he’s expecting me.”
“He’s upstairs,” Jerrid said. “Royals already driving you crazy?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Snob said. “Have Sarah bring us lunch, would you?” He headed up the stairs and knocked on Captain Finevoice’s door.
It opened immediately. “Afternoon,” Captain Finevoice said.
Snob nodded and followed him inside. They sat down at the table and Captain Finevoice passed a basket over. “Week’s worth of medicine,” he said. “All I can get at once. Tell the general it’s for your leg if he asks.”
“Thanks,” Snob said. “Now are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Captain Finevoice raised his eyebrows. “What makes you think I know?” he asked.
“The youngest prince said you sent me for a reason,” Snob said. “And I don’t think it was to be a spontaneous foot doctor. So are you going to tell me why the fuck I’m spending an hour a day kneeling on stone floors?”
Captain Finevoice rolled another cigarette deliberately slowly. He lit it and took a deep inhale before he looked at Snob again. “All right, I didn’t recommend you because of your skills with bandages,” he finally said. “And it’s not just because of your good looks, either.”
Snob couldn’t help but smirk. “I think the princesses appreciate that, though,” he said.
“Thought they might,” Captain Finevoice said. “But it’s not cause of that, either. And it’s not cause I like you-not that I don’t, but if I recommended everyone I like for the castle guard, we’d have a pretty piss-poor army.” He took another drag off his cigarette. “You know how long I’ve been in the army?”
Snob blinked. “No?” he said. “But what the fuck-?”
“Forty years,” Captain Finevoice continued. “Ever since I was fifteen and pounding a beat as a drummer boy. Worked my way up the ranks, got into the fighting units, and did well enough to get a recommendation for the castle guard. Twenty years there, half of it as Captain of the Guard.”
“Captain…”
“And during my time there, I saw every one of those kids come to the castle,” Captain Finevoice said, as though Snob hadn’t spoken. “I’ve been there since the King was a little boy…pretty much since the twins were born. I watched ‘em all grow up, and I stood guard over them for most of their lives. They’re what my life’s work has come down to, and I’ll be damned if I have to watch ‘em suffer anymore.” He looked at Snob seriously. “So that’s why I recommended you. Cause I trust you to take care of them.”
Snob frowned. “But…if you want to help them, why do you keep letting them ruin their feet?” he asked.
Captain Finevoice sighed. “After all of that, do you really think I wouldn’t help them if I could?” he asked back. “Believe me…I’d give anything to stop it happening. But they won’t let me…the most I can do is ask you to look after them for me.”
There was a knock on the door and Sarah brought lunch in. The two men waited until she was done before Snob spoke again. “Why can’t you tell me what’s happening?” he asked.
“I can’t even tell you that much,” Captain Finevoice answered. “All I can say is that I have high hopes that you can save them.”
They ate in silence for a few minutes before Captain Finevoice asked, “Do you like them?”
Snob shrugged. “Seem nice enough,” he said. “They’re paying me well for this, anyway. But I haven’t really talked to them about anything that isn’t business.”
“You should,” Captain Finevoice said. “They’re nice kids. And they need a friend.”
Snob thought about that for a moment before he nodded. “Tell me about them, then,” he said.
Captain Finevoice smiled. “Critic’s the oldest,” Captain Finevoice said. “Technically, anyway, though he and Chick are twins…Critic’s Crown Prince, though. The King’s brother and sister, and a team of trouble-makers. Used to spend all their time using their hot and cold method to get us to do anything they wanted.”
Snob settled in for a very long afternoon. Clearly, he had found Captain Finevoice’s favorite topic of conversation. Captain Finevoice went on to describe all of the young royals, their various misdeeds and relations, about Spoony’s anger issues and Marzgurl’s cleverness, about Vira’s love of books and Tamara’s love of weapons, about Elisa’s obsession with vampires and Oancitizen’s quiet intelligence, about Grace’s cheer and Roses’s love and Lupa’s humor.
“And Film Brain?” Snob asked three hours later, after a very long story about how Lupa and Marzgurl had once turned the entire castle to chaos with a few well-thrown snowballs.
Captain Finevoice smiled softly. “Ah, yes,” he said. “Little Film Brain.” He shook his head. “Sweetest kid you’ll ever meet. I remember when he first came to the castle…tiniest thing I’d ever seen, and so quiet…not that he doesn’t get excited. You just have to find his passion, and he’ll talk for hours.” He looked at Snob seriously. “He needs taking care of, more than the others. The rest of them, they’re tough. They’ll go through anything with a smile. But him…well, if anyone hurts him, they’ll have an entire army to deal with.”
*
The next several days passed in much the same way. Snob stood guard every night, with 90s Kid chattering away about something, or the other guard standing stiffly silent. At sunrise, Snob would go in and treat the young royals for their injuries, and then return to his post. Once he was off-duty, he would sleep little and spend the rest of the day in the library, hidden in a corner with books that had been long-forgotten by everyone else.
No one ever bothered him, which suited Snob just fine. He had been a sociable man before the war, but the months of fighting and fear had taken their toll, and now he was content to speak to no one he didn’t have to. The young royals all seemed to understand this, and none of them said anything to him besides a tired “good morning” and a polite “thank you.” Most mornings, they were all too tired to speak, and oftentimes would have fallen asleep by the time Snob had finished caring for them.
He barely even saw anyone else, and certainly never stopped to speak to anybody between the barracks and the library. No one else even seemed to notice he existed. Then again, castle guards were generally regarded as invisible until there was an active threat.
A few days after Snob had taken up the job of helping the young royals, he entered the library as usual late in the afternoon and spotted Critic, sitting at a table hunched over a book. The Lord Chamberlain was standing next to him, talking too quietly for Snob to hear, but Snob did notice the tension in Critic’s shoulders and he recalled the order that Captain Finevoice had given when he first arrived at the castle.
That warning became even sharper when Ask That Guy brushed a hand over Critic’s neck in a gesture that could have been interpreted as friendly had Critic not jerked away so violently. Snob knew it was really none of his business, but he also knew that Captain Finevoice had meant what he said about the princes. Snob went over, staying quiet and straining his ears to pick up what Ask That Guy was saying.
“Would it be so bad?” Snob heard Ask That Guy whisper. “I would take very good care of you all.”
“No,” Critic said. “Fuck off.”
“Not until you say the word,” Ask That Guy said. “It would be simple…your brother would approve.”
Snob decided that it was time to interfere. He coughed politely, getting the Lord Chamberlain’s attention. “Begging your pardon, sir,” he said. “But General Anesthetic wanted to see you.”
Ask That Guy’s eyes narrowed, but Snob merely raised an eyebrow. The Lord Chamberlain nodded slowly. “Thank you, Sergeant,” he said. “I will be with him shortly.” He smiled lecherously at Critic once more. “I’ll see you later, Your Highness,” he said, his voice dripping with insincere obsequy. “When you’ve had a little more time to think.” With that, he turned and left the library.
Critic looked at Snob, blinking back tears. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Snob nodded. “East wing by the barracks is empty right now,” he said. “Soldiers are either asleep or on drill. Might be harder for him to find you there.”
Critic nodded and got up, taking his book with him as he limped away.
*
Snob had made a promise not to ask questions, but he couldn’t help but speak the next morning when he went in to tend to Critic.
“So what’s the deal with the Lord Chamberlain?” he asked.
Critic started. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Snob gave him a severe look. “I mean that Captain Finevoice gave orders that he was to be kept away from you, and yesterday you were very grateful for him to be gone.”
“The King trusts him,” Critic said.
“And?”
“And that’s good enough for me,” Critic said shortly.
Snob was quiet for a moment, focusing on his bandaging. “The King is your brother, right?” he finally said.
“By blood, yes,” Critic said. “But he became King very young and hasn’t been my brother for years.”
“Does he know about this?” Snob nodded at the feet he had just finished bandaging.
“He knows he has to buy shoes for us every day,” Critic said. “Got to the point where he’s just got a whole room full of them pre-ordered.”
“And does he know why it’s happening?”
Critic was silent for a moment. “I thought we agreed you wouldn’t ask questions,” he finally said.
“Sorry, Your Highness.” Snob pulled himself to his feet. “I’ll just be off, then…have to finish with Princess Chick.” He washed his hands and bowed before leaving the room and heading across the hall.
In the few days that Snob had been caring for the young royals, he had learned that Chick was about the least sociable of them, rarely giving him so much as a greeting. But to Snob’s surprise, she spoke as he knelt down.
“I take it Captain Finevoice warned you about the Lord Chamberlain,” she said.
Snob glanced up at her. “In a manner of speaking,” he answered. “Didn’t say why, just that I should keep him away from the Crown Prince.”
Chick nodded. She was silent for a moment before she spoke again. “I am grateful to you,” she said. “For interfering. The Lord Chamberlain often forgets his place and what is appropriate with a royal.” Her hands clenched on the arm of her chair. “You should know that he’s always making passes at my brother, in spite of multiple warnings from all of us to fuck off.”
“I’ll keep it in mind, Your Highness,” Snob said. “Though I won’t be able to pull the same trick on him again.”
“I know,” she said. “But thank you, anyway.”
*
After that, the young royals were a bit friendlier. They were still exhausted when Snob went to them each morning, but now they would exchange a few words with him, and sometimes hold a full conversation.
They were a charming group, really, once they started talking more. Snob found that he could laugh easily with Lupa and Spoony, have good discussions about books with Oancitizen and Vira, even dispense a bit of advice to Elisa and Tamara. They would greet him in the halls when they passed him now, though that was rare since the young royals preferred to spend their days in seclusion whenever they could, in places where they didn’t have to walk.
Except for Film Brain, who started coming to the library the day after Snob had asked about the Lord Chamberlain.
The young prince didn’t even announce himself, simply dropped into a chair next to Snob with a book in hand. Snob looked over the top of what he was reading. “Can I help you?” he asked.
“No,” Film Brain said. “Just thought you might like some company. Critic says you’re always in here alone.”
Snob shrugged. “Better than the barracks,” he muttered. “Less people to annoy me.”
“I won’t annoy you,” Film Brain promised. “But it’s always better to read through this library with someone…especially when you’re reading things like that.” He nodded to the book Snob was holding, which was made of red leather and had the word “Xanadu” emblazoned on the front.
“Chick gave it to me,” Snob said. “She said it’s about the worst book ever.”
“Is it?”
He shrugged. “Not as bad as it could be. It’s at least kind of fun. And it’s not about war.”
Film Brain was quiet for a moment. “Was it terrible?” he asked.
Snob stared at the wall for a long time. “Yes,” he said bluntly. “It’s loud, and it’s painful, and you’re always afraid that you’re going to die, or that your friends will die, and you have to march for hours on end and you never know when you’re going to have to fight…when you’re going to have to kill someone. Someone who’s probably just like you, with a home and a family and goals and dreams…and you may just have to shoot them down like they’re an animal. Like they don’t matter.”
Film Brain didn’t answer, merely moved a little bit closer to Snob and touched his hand. Snob didn’t react, but he did feel a bit better.
*
Snob met Captain Finevoice again at the end of the week to pick up more medicine.
“How are they?” Captain Finevoice asked as they sat down for lunch.
“Doing better, I think,” Snob said. “They seem happier, anyway. More friendly, but I think they miss you.”
“I miss them, too.” Captain Finevoice stared into space for a moment, but then seemed to shake himself a bit. “Anything to report?”
“I did catch the Lord Chamberlain creeping on Critic,” Snob said. “Got rid of him, but I don’t think it’s going to last.”
Captain Finevoice grunted. “Figured he might,” he muttered.
“What’s the deal with him, anyway?” Snob asked. “Everyone acts like he’s the devil or something.”
“Might as well be,” Captain Finevoice muttered. “I can’t say much about it, except that the man is clever, conniving, and evil as they come. I can promise that he hoped I would die in the war, and that he’s very disappointed I didn’t. General Anesthetic is one of his men, so be careful of him as well.”
“Noted,” Snob said. “And you can’t tell me-?”
“No,” Captain Finevoice snapped. “So don’t ask.”
*
“I think we have a problem.”
General Anesthetic looked at Ask That Guy inscrutably. It was his usual expression. “In what way?” the general asked.
“That new guard you hired,” Ask That Guy explained. “The one Finevoice recommended. He seems to be getting close to the young royals.”
“Not much I can do about that,” General Anesthetic said. “Can’t fire someone for doing his job.”
“But he’s not just doing his job, is he?” Ask That Guy said, more to himself. “He’s been leaving his post to go in to them every morning…and he was getting awfully cozy with Film Brain in the library.” He seemed to be recovering a bit of his good humor. “Soldiers are notorious for their lechery,” he continued. “It’s only a matter of time before he slips...before we can convict him of something.”
“Just a question, boss,” General Anesthetic said. “But why do we need to get rid of him? It’s not like he’s any closer to figuring out what’s going on. The young royals can’t tell him, and neither can Finevoice…what’s he going to do?”
Ask That Guy gave him a glare. “If he’s close to any of them, he might be able to seduce them,” he explained impatiently. “And if he seduces one, and they can convince the King he’s a good man, it’s all over and we’ll both be banished…or beheaded.”
General Anesthetic sighed. “What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“Keep a closer eye on that soldier,” Ask That Guy commanded. “And if he even begins to step out of line, get rid of him. In any way you can.”
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