Falling Apart to Have Time Part Two
Snob was not impressed by the castle. He had seen enough large palaces and grand homes in the war and he wasn’t interested in any more.
Nor was he intimidated by General Anesthetic. The man was large, and had a powerful glare, but Snob had had his share of large and powerful men in the war as well. None of them were going to make him feel small.
General Anesthetic glared down at Snob, who glared right back. He knew he had to look ridiculous, being five foot five and slightly underweight due to his time spent ill, but he still stood straight and met the general’s eye. General Anesthetic’s mouth twitched slightly.
“Name?”
“Cinema Snob, late of His Majesty’s army.”
“Rank?”
“Sergeant.”
“Honors?”
“Medals of honor for quick-thinking and courage.”
“Handicaps?”
“Wounded leg, slight limp, can still stand at attention. Nightmares from the war, so I might not be too popular in the barracks, but I don’t scream as much anymore.”
“Can you still aim a musket?”
“As well as the day I shot down the Hagastanian captain.”
General Anesthetic nodded. “I think I remember your name from the lists,” he said. “And Captain Finevoice recommends you, which His Majesty says is good enough for him.” He made a note on his parchment. “Twenty gold a week, plus room and board. Two week’s pay in advance. Night shift all right with you?”
“Night shift is perfect.” Nighttime was the worst. When Snob slept in the day, his nightmares weren’t as frequent.
“Good. I’m putting you on the midnight to ten AM shift, five nights a week. You’ll be guarding the hall where the princes and princesses sleep.”
Snob nodded. “When do I start?”
“When would you like?”
“Give me time to pack my belongings.”
General Anesthetic really smiled. “I’ll put you on the roster for tonight.” He held out his hand and shook Snob’s. “We’re short-staffed, and you seem a good man. Just make sure that the young royals don’t leave their room, and if you hear anything suspicious inside, find out what it is.”
“Yes, sir.”
*
It did not take long for Snob to retrieve his things from the inn. He didn’t have much, and the moment he told the innkeepers that he had gotten a job at the palace, Sarah had gone upstairs to help him pack.
“We’ll miss you,” she said as she folded Snob’s shirts. “It’s always nice, having long-term customers.”
Snob snorted. “You haven’t been making much money off me,” he pointed out.
“Hey, we give discounts to anyone who stays more than one night,” she said. “Speaking of, Jerrid will want you to settle your final bill before you go.”
“I was planning on it. They gave me two week’s advance.”
Sarah nodded. “Thought they might. Oh, and Jillian packed the rest of the fairy cakes for you. As a going away present.”
Snob chuckled. “Wants to make sure I gain weight, eh?”
“You’re skin and bones as it is. How can you defend our young royals with arms that skinny?”
“Hopefully they won’t need defending,” Snob answered. “And they’ll give me a gun just in case. And believe me, I can still use one of those.”
Sarah nodded. They finished packing in silence. Once done, Snob sighed. “Well, that’s all I have,” he said. “I’ll go settle with your master now.” He picked up his pack and turned to go.
“Oh, come here!” Sarah snapped. Snob turned and she embraced him. “Take care of yourself. And maybe come in on your days off to see us.”
Snob chuckled. “I’ll do my best,” he promised. “Take care of Captain Finevoice. And tell him I owe him a drink next time I come in.”
“I will,” she said. “Now get out of here before I start crying.”
*
“So.” Ask That Guy sat back and smiled at General Anesthetic. “What did you dredge up this time?”
“Nothing that should be threatening,” General Anesthetic assured him. “War veterans, mostly. Only hired one of Finevoice’s guys, and he’s tiny and wounded. Shouldn’t be an issue. And if he is, I can deal with him.”
“All idiots, like I asked?”
“Mostly. Except Finevoice’s guy, but like I said, easy to overpower.”
“Excellent.” Ask That Guy passed a small sack to the general. “Make sure they all keep failing.” He stood up and left the general’s office.
Ask That Guy headed down the corridor, whistling to himself. Oh, yes, everything was going excellently.
He went into the library, to a small corner where he knew he could find the oldest prince at almost any time of day. Indeed, Critic was there, reading a book and keeping his feet on a cushion. Ask That Guy smiled as he went over, making note of the tension in Critic’s shoulders.
“Good afternoon, Your Highness,” Ask That Guy said pleasantly.
Critic didn’t answer, only hunched in on himself.
“You seem sore. Let me help you with that.” He reached out and started rubbing Critic’s tense shoulders, taking pleasure in the whimper he elicited from the prince.
“Go away,” Critic muttered.
“I can make this better, you know,” Ask That Guy continued. “You know what you have to do…the King won’t refuse, you know. He trusts me. He knows that I’ll take good care of you…all of you.”
Critic shook, but his voice remained strong. “Never,” he said.
“Not even to help them? Your brothers and sisters…little Film Brain looked so miserable this morning…your prince must miss the open air…would it be such a sacrifice, to save them?”
“No.” Critic pulled away and stood up, trying to hide how much it hurt. “I will not let you anywhere near the throne. And don’t fucking touch me.” He took his book and did his best to sweep out of the library, which was ruined by his limping.
Ask That Guy laughed softly to himself. “Oh, Critic,” he whispered. “You don’t have a choice.”
*
Harvey Finevoice didn’t return to the palace too often. It was too painful, being reminded of his failures. But when he had to be there, well, he made the most of it.
As soon as he confirmed that Snob was hired onto the guard, Harvey left the barracks and headed upstairs. The remaining guards all knew him and let him pass. He nodded to them as he headed for a little out-of-the-way office, where he knew he could find news.
Indeed, Prince Spoony was there, sleeping on the desk. Harvey was loathe to wake him, but he needed to. He went over and nudged the prince gently. “Hey.”
Spoony’s eyes opened reluctantly and he glared, but his expression turned more pleasant when he saw it was Harvey. “Captain Finevoice,” he said, sitting up. “When did you get here?”
“Just now,” Harvey said. “I was bringing in a new guard for you crazy kids.” He moved forward and hugged Spoony gently. “How you doing?”
Spoony sighed. “As usual,” he said. “Feet fucking hurt, shoes ruined, King mad that we’re spending so much money. Critic still refuses to give in.”
Harvey nodded. “Wouldn’t expect him to. And how’s the Kid?”
“Same as always.” Spoony looked at Harvey appealingly. “Have you come up with any more ideas?”
“Not really,” Harvey said. “But I’ve got a man on the inside now. Name’s Snob, sergeant from my old unit in the war. Can’t say that he’ll help, but at least it’s something.”
“Gonna try to play matchmaker? Cause I don’t think anyone’s going to go for it.”
Harvey sighed. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked. “I know you’ve all found true love or whatever, but you can’t go on like this forever.”
Spoony closed his eyes, and Harvey knew he was trying not to cry. “It’s worth it,” Spoony said. “If I get to see him, even if just for a few hours…I can endure. We can all endure.”
“How long, though?” Harvey asked. “One of these days, it will be too much and you’ll all drop dead of exhaustion.” He pulled Spoony into his arms. “Please…let me help.”
Spoony buried his face in Harvey’s chest, like he hadn’t since he’d been a child seeking comfort from a nightmare. “You can’t,” he said. “He’ll kill you…please don’t make me lose you, too.”
Harvey petted Spoony’s hair. “I miss him,” Harvey admitted. “And I’d do anything to save you…all of you.”
“But you can’t,” Spoony said. “He’s already watching you…I won’t put you at risk.”
“Shouldn’t I make that choice?” Harvey asked.
“You can’t make it without one of our consent,” Spoony said. “And none of us will put you through that.”
*
Snob arrived at the palace early that evening, just before the royal dinner. He was greeted by Captain Finevoice, who was looking a little more stressed than usual.
“Evening, Sergeant,” Captain Finevoice said.
“Evening,” Snob greeted in turn. “I’m supposed to report to General Anesthetic, not stand around gossiping, you know.”
“Oh, I know,” Captain Finevoice said. “But since we’re old friends, figured I’d stick around and help you get settled. After all, I was a guard here longer than the general’s been.”
Snob raised his eyebrows, but didn’t object as Captain Finevoice walked him into the barracks.
General Anesthetic frowned a bit at Captain Finevoice, but didn’t object to his presence. “Your bunk is in the corner,” the general told Snob. “In your time off, you can do what you like…within reason, of course. You have access to the main floors of the castle, which includes the kitchens and the library, as long as you don’t disturb the royals.”
“Yes, sir,” Snob said. He took his pack to his bunk and put it down, figuring he’d unpack it later.
“Come on,” Captain Finevoice said. “I’ll show you around…wouldn’t want to inconvenience the general.”
General Anesthetic continued to frown, but he didn’t object as Captain Finevoice threw an arm over Snob’s shoulders and guided him out the door and up the stairs.
“The hall you’re guarding it there,” Captain Finevoice said on the first floor, nodding to an ornate door. “It’s locked every night at sunset and the young royals can’t leave until morning. You shouldn’t have any trouble with them.”
“Hope not,” Snob muttered. “Midnight to ten shifts are bad enough without having to worry about princes and princesses sneaking out.” He glanced at the hallway. Nice, with tapestries and windows all along the walls. Not many places for enemies to get in. “How many are there, anyway?”
“Twelve,” Captain Finevoice answered. “Four princes and eight princesses.”
Snob whistled lowly. “All siblings?” he asked.
“Been raised as such, anyway,” Captain Finevoice said. “I’m not too clear on the family trees, but they’re at least cousins of some sort. But I wouldn’t worry about it, you probably won’t see them too often. They’re locked up before you go on duty and usually don’t get up until you’re off.”
“Right.” They kept walking, heading up the stairs. As they turned down another hallway, though, Snob spotted a small blond boy in fine clothes who seemed to be limping slightly. The boy did try to smile at Captain Finevoice, but it came out as more of a wince.
Captain Finevoice bowed. “Prince Film Brain,” he said.
“Captain Finevoice,” the boy said. “I heard you were here.” He nodded to Snob. “And who’s your friend?”
“This is Sergeant Cinema Snob, of His Majesty’s Army.” Snob bowed properly, flinching at the twinge in his leg. “He’s just been hired onto the night guard and I was showing him around.”
Film Brain smiled weakly. “Welcome to the castle,” he said.
“Um…thanks.” Snob had never really spoken to royalty before and while he certainly wasn’t intimidated by the little prince, he didn’t know what to say, either.
“Should you really be walking?” Captain Finevoice asked.
Film Brain shrugged. “Needed to get something and didn’t want to bother the servants,” he mumbled. “Critic’s upstairs, you should see him before you go.”
“I will,” Captain Finevoice promised. “Now you go lie down until dinner.”
Film Brain nodded and toddled off. Snob watched him go, noticing the odd gait. “What happened to him?” Snob asked.
Captain Finevoice raised his eyebrows. “I explained the Challenge, didn’t I?” he asked. “That’s what you’d be finding out if you took it.”
Snob looked up at Captain Finevoice shrewdly. “You know something,” he said. It wasn’t a question.
“Did I say that?” Captain Finevoice turned and kept walking. Snob followed, frowning. “Library’s down here. Worth a look if you have spare time.”
Snob kept following Captain Finevoice, though he wasn’t listening. What on earth could a prince be doing that would make him walk like that?
As they finished their tour and headed back toward the barracks, Snob noticed Captain Finevoice stiffen. He glanced around, wondering what could have caused such a thing. There were people around, servants and lords and ladies going about their business, but none of them looked particularly noteworthy.
“Captain Finevoice!” a pleasant voice rang out. Snob glanced at the speaker, who appeared to be an ordinary lord in blue robes trimmed with red. He was smiling, but something about the smile made Snob’s skin crawl.
“Lord Chamberlain,” Captain Finevoice said.
The Lord Chamberlain kept smiling. “Back from the war, I see,” he said. “Victorious and with honors.”
Captain Finevoice put on a fake smile of his own. “Couldn’t have done it without my men,” he said. “And how does the castle fare? I hear that the young royals are still having trouble with their shoes.”
“Oh, they are,” the Lord Chamberlain said. “But don’t you worry yourself about that. We have our best men on the job.”
“I’m sure you do,” Captain Finevoice muttered.
The Lord Chamberlain didn’t hear him, or at least pretended not to. “And aren’t you going to introduce me to your charming friend?” he asked.
Captain Finevoice looked to Snob. “This is Sergeant Cinema Snob,” he said. “A friend from the army who’s just joined your guard. Snob, Ask That Guy, the Lord Chamberlain.”
“A pleasure, I’m sure,” Ask That Guy said, still smiling unpleasantly. “And I trust you’ll keep our young royals safe from all the things that go bump in the night.”
“I’ll do my best,” Snob said.
Ask That Guy gave another smile and walked away. Captain Finevoice glared after him. Snob couldn’t remember ever seeing a look so venomous out of the captain before, not even during the war.
“I’m not here to tell you how to do your job anymore,” Captain Finevoice said. “But as a friend, I’d like to ask a favor-keep that scum away from the oldest prince.”
Snob frowned in confusion. “But…he’s the Lord Chamberlain.”
“I don’t care if he’s the Emperor of China,” Captain Finevoice said. “You keep him well away from Critic…that’s the Crown Prince. And if he does anything out of line, you let me know about it, you hear?”
Snob nodded slowly. “I’ll see what I can do,” he promised. “But I’m not gonna lose my fucking job for you.”
“Wouldn’t expect that,” Captain Finevoice assured him. He glanced out the window. “Getting late. I’d best be getting back to the inn.” He smiled and held out his hand. “Good luck, Sergeant. Come see me again.”
Snob shook Captain Finevoice’s hand. “I will,” he said.
Captain Finevoice turned to leave. Snob hesitated a moment before he called out, “Captain!”
Captain Finevoice turned back and Snob managed a real smile. “Thanks.”
“Any time, Kid.” Then the captain left.
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Nor was he intimidated by General Anesthetic. The man was large, and had a powerful glare, but Snob had had his share of large and powerful men in the war as well. None of them were going to make him feel small.
General Anesthetic glared down at Snob, who glared right back. He knew he had to look ridiculous, being five foot five and slightly underweight due to his time spent ill, but he still stood straight and met the general’s eye. General Anesthetic’s mouth twitched slightly.
“Name?”
“Cinema Snob, late of His Majesty’s army.”
“Rank?”
“Sergeant.”
“Honors?”
“Medals of honor for quick-thinking and courage.”
“Handicaps?”
“Wounded leg, slight limp, can still stand at attention. Nightmares from the war, so I might not be too popular in the barracks, but I don’t scream as much anymore.”
“Can you still aim a musket?”
“As well as the day I shot down the Hagastanian captain.”
General Anesthetic nodded. “I think I remember your name from the lists,” he said. “And Captain Finevoice recommends you, which His Majesty says is good enough for him.” He made a note on his parchment. “Twenty gold a week, plus room and board. Two week’s pay in advance. Night shift all right with you?”
“Night shift is perfect.” Nighttime was the worst. When Snob slept in the day, his nightmares weren’t as frequent.
“Good. I’m putting you on the midnight to ten AM shift, five nights a week. You’ll be guarding the hall where the princes and princesses sleep.”
Snob nodded. “When do I start?”
“When would you like?”
“Give me time to pack my belongings.”
General Anesthetic really smiled. “I’ll put you on the roster for tonight.” He held out his hand and shook Snob’s. “We’re short-staffed, and you seem a good man. Just make sure that the young royals don’t leave their room, and if you hear anything suspicious inside, find out what it is.”
“Yes, sir.”
*
It did not take long for Snob to retrieve his things from the inn. He didn’t have much, and the moment he told the innkeepers that he had gotten a job at the palace, Sarah had gone upstairs to help him pack.
“We’ll miss you,” she said as she folded Snob’s shirts. “It’s always nice, having long-term customers.”
Snob snorted. “You haven’t been making much money off me,” he pointed out.
“Hey, we give discounts to anyone who stays more than one night,” she said. “Speaking of, Jerrid will want you to settle your final bill before you go.”
“I was planning on it. They gave me two week’s advance.”
Sarah nodded. “Thought they might. Oh, and Jillian packed the rest of the fairy cakes for you. As a going away present.”
Snob chuckled. “Wants to make sure I gain weight, eh?”
“You’re skin and bones as it is. How can you defend our young royals with arms that skinny?”
“Hopefully they won’t need defending,” Snob answered. “And they’ll give me a gun just in case. And believe me, I can still use one of those.”
Sarah nodded. They finished packing in silence. Once done, Snob sighed. “Well, that’s all I have,” he said. “I’ll go settle with your master now.” He picked up his pack and turned to go.
“Oh, come here!” Sarah snapped. Snob turned and she embraced him. “Take care of yourself. And maybe come in on your days off to see us.”
Snob chuckled. “I’ll do my best,” he promised. “Take care of Captain Finevoice. And tell him I owe him a drink next time I come in.”
“I will,” she said. “Now get out of here before I start crying.”
*
“So.” Ask That Guy sat back and smiled at General Anesthetic. “What did you dredge up this time?”
“Nothing that should be threatening,” General Anesthetic assured him. “War veterans, mostly. Only hired one of Finevoice’s guys, and he’s tiny and wounded. Shouldn’t be an issue. And if he is, I can deal with him.”
“All idiots, like I asked?”
“Mostly. Except Finevoice’s guy, but like I said, easy to overpower.”
“Excellent.” Ask That Guy passed a small sack to the general. “Make sure they all keep failing.” He stood up and left the general’s office.
Ask That Guy headed down the corridor, whistling to himself. Oh, yes, everything was going excellently.
He went into the library, to a small corner where he knew he could find the oldest prince at almost any time of day. Indeed, Critic was there, reading a book and keeping his feet on a cushion. Ask That Guy smiled as he went over, making note of the tension in Critic’s shoulders.
“Good afternoon, Your Highness,” Ask That Guy said pleasantly.
Critic didn’t answer, only hunched in on himself.
“You seem sore. Let me help you with that.” He reached out and started rubbing Critic’s tense shoulders, taking pleasure in the whimper he elicited from the prince.
“Go away,” Critic muttered.
“I can make this better, you know,” Ask That Guy continued. “You know what you have to do…the King won’t refuse, you know. He trusts me. He knows that I’ll take good care of you…all of you.”
Critic shook, but his voice remained strong. “Never,” he said.
“Not even to help them? Your brothers and sisters…little Film Brain looked so miserable this morning…your prince must miss the open air…would it be such a sacrifice, to save them?”
“No.” Critic pulled away and stood up, trying to hide how much it hurt. “I will not let you anywhere near the throne. And don’t fucking touch me.” He took his book and did his best to sweep out of the library, which was ruined by his limping.
Ask That Guy laughed softly to himself. “Oh, Critic,” he whispered. “You don’t have a choice.”
*
Harvey Finevoice didn’t return to the palace too often. It was too painful, being reminded of his failures. But when he had to be there, well, he made the most of it.
As soon as he confirmed that Snob was hired onto the guard, Harvey left the barracks and headed upstairs. The remaining guards all knew him and let him pass. He nodded to them as he headed for a little out-of-the-way office, where he knew he could find news.
Indeed, Prince Spoony was there, sleeping on the desk. Harvey was loathe to wake him, but he needed to. He went over and nudged the prince gently. “Hey.”
Spoony’s eyes opened reluctantly and he glared, but his expression turned more pleasant when he saw it was Harvey. “Captain Finevoice,” he said, sitting up. “When did you get here?”
“Just now,” Harvey said. “I was bringing in a new guard for you crazy kids.” He moved forward and hugged Spoony gently. “How you doing?”
Spoony sighed. “As usual,” he said. “Feet fucking hurt, shoes ruined, King mad that we’re spending so much money. Critic still refuses to give in.”
Harvey nodded. “Wouldn’t expect him to. And how’s the Kid?”
“Same as always.” Spoony looked at Harvey appealingly. “Have you come up with any more ideas?”
“Not really,” Harvey said. “But I’ve got a man on the inside now. Name’s Snob, sergeant from my old unit in the war. Can’t say that he’ll help, but at least it’s something.”
“Gonna try to play matchmaker? Cause I don’t think anyone’s going to go for it.”
Harvey sighed. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked. “I know you’ve all found true love or whatever, but you can’t go on like this forever.”
Spoony closed his eyes, and Harvey knew he was trying not to cry. “It’s worth it,” Spoony said. “If I get to see him, even if just for a few hours…I can endure. We can all endure.”
“How long, though?” Harvey asked. “One of these days, it will be too much and you’ll all drop dead of exhaustion.” He pulled Spoony into his arms. “Please…let me help.”
Spoony buried his face in Harvey’s chest, like he hadn’t since he’d been a child seeking comfort from a nightmare. “You can’t,” he said. “He’ll kill you…please don’t make me lose you, too.”
Harvey petted Spoony’s hair. “I miss him,” Harvey admitted. “And I’d do anything to save you…all of you.”
“But you can’t,” Spoony said. “He’s already watching you…I won’t put you at risk.”
“Shouldn’t I make that choice?” Harvey asked.
“You can’t make it without one of our consent,” Spoony said. “And none of us will put you through that.”
*
Snob arrived at the palace early that evening, just before the royal dinner. He was greeted by Captain Finevoice, who was looking a little more stressed than usual.
“Evening, Sergeant,” Captain Finevoice said.
“Evening,” Snob greeted in turn. “I’m supposed to report to General Anesthetic, not stand around gossiping, you know.”
“Oh, I know,” Captain Finevoice said. “But since we’re old friends, figured I’d stick around and help you get settled. After all, I was a guard here longer than the general’s been.”
Snob raised his eyebrows, but didn’t object as Captain Finevoice walked him into the barracks.
General Anesthetic frowned a bit at Captain Finevoice, but didn’t object to his presence. “Your bunk is in the corner,” the general told Snob. “In your time off, you can do what you like…within reason, of course. You have access to the main floors of the castle, which includes the kitchens and the library, as long as you don’t disturb the royals.”
“Yes, sir,” Snob said. He took his pack to his bunk and put it down, figuring he’d unpack it later.
“Come on,” Captain Finevoice said. “I’ll show you around…wouldn’t want to inconvenience the general.”
General Anesthetic continued to frown, but he didn’t object as Captain Finevoice threw an arm over Snob’s shoulders and guided him out the door and up the stairs.
“The hall you’re guarding it there,” Captain Finevoice said on the first floor, nodding to an ornate door. “It’s locked every night at sunset and the young royals can’t leave until morning. You shouldn’t have any trouble with them.”
“Hope not,” Snob muttered. “Midnight to ten shifts are bad enough without having to worry about princes and princesses sneaking out.” He glanced at the hallway. Nice, with tapestries and windows all along the walls. Not many places for enemies to get in. “How many are there, anyway?”
“Twelve,” Captain Finevoice answered. “Four princes and eight princesses.”
Snob whistled lowly. “All siblings?” he asked.
“Been raised as such, anyway,” Captain Finevoice said. “I’m not too clear on the family trees, but they’re at least cousins of some sort. But I wouldn’t worry about it, you probably won’t see them too often. They’re locked up before you go on duty and usually don’t get up until you’re off.”
“Right.” They kept walking, heading up the stairs. As they turned down another hallway, though, Snob spotted a small blond boy in fine clothes who seemed to be limping slightly. The boy did try to smile at Captain Finevoice, but it came out as more of a wince.
Captain Finevoice bowed. “Prince Film Brain,” he said.
“Captain Finevoice,” the boy said. “I heard you were here.” He nodded to Snob. “And who’s your friend?”
“This is Sergeant Cinema Snob, of His Majesty’s Army.” Snob bowed properly, flinching at the twinge in his leg. “He’s just been hired onto the night guard and I was showing him around.”
Film Brain smiled weakly. “Welcome to the castle,” he said.
“Um…thanks.” Snob had never really spoken to royalty before and while he certainly wasn’t intimidated by the little prince, he didn’t know what to say, either.
“Should you really be walking?” Captain Finevoice asked.
Film Brain shrugged. “Needed to get something and didn’t want to bother the servants,” he mumbled. “Critic’s upstairs, you should see him before you go.”
“I will,” Captain Finevoice promised. “Now you go lie down until dinner.”
Film Brain nodded and toddled off. Snob watched him go, noticing the odd gait. “What happened to him?” Snob asked.
Captain Finevoice raised his eyebrows. “I explained the Challenge, didn’t I?” he asked. “That’s what you’d be finding out if you took it.”
Snob looked up at Captain Finevoice shrewdly. “You know something,” he said. It wasn’t a question.
“Did I say that?” Captain Finevoice turned and kept walking. Snob followed, frowning. “Library’s down here. Worth a look if you have spare time.”
Snob kept following Captain Finevoice, though he wasn’t listening. What on earth could a prince be doing that would make him walk like that?
As they finished their tour and headed back toward the barracks, Snob noticed Captain Finevoice stiffen. He glanced around, wondering what could have caused such a thing. There were people around, servants and lords and ladies going about their business, but none of them looked particularly noteworthy.
“Captain Finevoice!” a pleasant voice rang out. Snob glanced at the speaker, who appeared to be an ordinary lord in blue robes trimmed with red. He was smiling, but something about the smile made Snob’s skin crawl.
“Lord Chamberlain,” Captain Finevoice said.
The Lord Chamberlain kept smiling. “Back from the war, I see,” he said. “Victorious and with honors.”
Captain Finevoice put on a fake smile of his own. “Couldn’t have done it without my men,” he said. “And how does the castle fare? I hear that the young royals are still having trouble with their shoes.”
“Oh, they are,” the Lord Chamberlain said. “But don’t you worry yourself about that. We have our best men on the job.”
“I’m sure you do,” Captain Finevoice muttered.
The Lord Chamberlain didn’t hear him, or at least pretended not to. “And aren’t you going to introduce me to your charming friend?” he asked.
Captain Finevoice looked to Snob. “This is Sergeant Cinema Snob,” he said. “A friend from the army who’s just joined your guard. Snob, Ask That Guy, the Lord Chamberlain.”
“A pleasure, I’m sure,” Ask That Guy said, still smiling unpleasantly. “And I trust you’ll keep our young royals safe from all the things that go bump in the night.”
“I’ll do my best,” Snob said.
Ask That Guy gave another smile and walked away. Captain Finevoice glared after him. Snob couldn’t remember ever seeing a look so venomous out of the captain before, not even during the war.
“I’m not here to tell you how to do your job anymore,” Captain Finevoice said. “But as a friend, I’d like to ask a favor-keep that scum away from the oldest prince.”
Snob frowned in confusion. “But…he’s the Lord Chamberlain.”
“I don’t care if he’s the Emperor of China,” Captain Finevoice said. “You keep him well away from Critic…that’s the Crown Prince. And if he does anything out of line, you let me know about it, you hear?”
Snob nodded slowly. “I’ll see what I can do,” he promised. “But I’m not gonna lose my fucking job for you.”
“Wouldn’t expect that,” Captain Finevoice assured him. He glanced out the window. “Getting late. I’d best be getting back to the inn.” He smiled and held out his hand. “Good luck, Sergeant. Come see me again.”
Snob shook Captain Finevoice’s hand. “I will,” he said.
Captain Finevoice turned to leave. Snob hesitated a moment before he called out, “Captain!”
Captain Finevoice turned back and Snob managed a real smile. “Thanks.”
“Any time, Kid.” Then the captain left.
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