Please Part One
Fading
it’s dark, it’s always dark, it’s always been dark and it won’t go away and why is it always so dark and why am i here and what’s the point of me and
spoony?
no, don’t talk to me, i don’t deserve it, i just want to sleep, i just want to be alone, please don’t talk to me, please don’t tell me anything, i know what you’ll say, i don’t want to hear
spoony, are you okay?
no, i’m not okay, i’m not okay at all, i don’t care, go away, don’t talk to me, please don’t talk at all, who’s talking, i don’t know who’s talking to me, i don’t care, it doesn’t matter, you don’t like me, why are you asking
spoony, talk to me!
i don’t want to talk, talking means thinking, i don’t want to think, thinking hurts, it all hurts, it’s all pointless, i can’t do it, go away, go away, go away
please, spoony, tell me what’s wrong.
everything’s wrong, everything’s bad, i don’t want to talk, i don’t want to tell you, i just want to sleep, i just want to be alone, i just want it all to go away, i just want everything to go away
i can’t help you if you don’t let me.
i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, i don’t deserve you, leave me alone, don’t make me talk, i don’t want to hear it, i don’t want you here, just go away
spoony…
it hurts, it hurts so bad, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve it, i don’t matter, you matter, you deserve better, you never liked me anyway so just go and be happy without me
it’s gonna get better.
no, it won’t, it never will, it won’t be good, it’s all dark and it won’t be better so go away, go away, don’t touch me, don’t pat my shoulder, don’t be gentle, i can’t take gentle
it’s gonna be okay.
not okay, never okay, it won’t end, if it ends, i won’t be here, if it ends, i won’t have you, don’t say it’s okay, don’t say it will be better, just leave, just leave, just
spoony…
i need him gone, i need to be alone, i need to fade out, but he won’t leave, he won’t go away, not if i ignore him, no, don’t love me, don’t want him to love me, i don’t want anyone to love me
i love you.
don’t say that, don’t make me believe it, don’t make me feel better, it won’t work, i’m still cold, it’s still dark, i can’t take it
say something. please.
i have to talk, i have to say something, i have to get him out of here, i have to be alone, i can’t take this, i can’t love him, i can’t let him love me
go away, linkara.
he’s gone, he’s not touching me, he’s leaving, i can be alone, i can sleep, i can fade, i can be alone in the darkness
i love you so much.
no, no, don’t make me think that, i can’t believe that, i don’t deserve that, go away, go now, leave me alone, i don’t want your warmth your light your love
please get better.
i can’t.
Falling
i want to sleep.
i want to sleep forever.
but first i need light. i need something good. but i can’t have it.
i don’t deserve it.
i don’t even know if he’s still here. if he’s sitting near me, or if he’s in the kitchen, or if he’s gone back to minnesota where he belongs.
i turned him away. i rejected him. i asked to be alone and i meant it. i don’t want him here, i don’t want anyone here. i can’t have anyone love me.
but i need it. i need him.
i have to explain myself. i have to say sorry. i have to tell him why it’s never going to be okay. i need to be punished, or forgiven, or something, i don’t know what.
i need to tell him how it started. he needs to know how it got this bad, with all the stupid trolls and people reminding me how i never get anything done and they’re right and i’m not worth it and i can’t have anyone in my life, it’s a distraction, i don’t deserve it, not at all.
i have to tell him that. i have to make him understand. i have to make him realize i’m shit and he should find someone better.
maybe he could make it all better. maybe. probably not. no one can help. i don’t deserve help.
i should thank him. he did try. he’s always tried to make everything better. he’s always been so good.
and i’ve always been so bad. i never should have let him get so close. i never should have believed it. i never should have let myself love him.
i wanted it. i still want it. and i love him, i love him so much, and i wish that i could keep him.
but i can’t. it’s going to be over as soon as i can be forgiven. as soon as he lets me go.
he has to let me go.
maybe if he understands, if i tell him what’s wrong, he can save me.
he can’t. i can’t. i can’t tell him what’s going on, why i need his forgiveness, what i’ve done wrong. maybe it would be better if i just went away, if i wasn’t here to make everything bad, if he didn’t have me to worry about.
as long as he understands. as long as he forgives me.
he won’t. he never will. he’ll cling tighter and beg me to stay, tell me he loves me, that he’s sorry, that he can help.
he can’t.
no one can. nothing. no one. no light. no release. none of it.
i should go.
but i can’t leave him. he would beg and plead and cry over me.
i couldn’t stand to see him cry.
i couldn’t stand for him to be sad. not for me. no one else should be sad for me. i do that well enough on my own.
i just want to sleep. i want to sleep alone. i want to sleep alone forever. i want to have my own sorrow.
my own darkness.
i want to fall. i want to keep falling.
i am falling.
i am falling…
no one’s ever going to catch me.
good.