Rachel/Puck- I Think I Got An Answer (But It's Not Very Satisfying)
Title: I Think I Got An Answer (But It's Not Very Satisfying)
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Rachel/Puck
Rating: R
Word Count: 9, 786
Summary: Puck and Rachel share custody of their young daughter. The problem is when she starts to question why they aren't together? Neither of them has a good answer for her.
Author's Notes: Written for this prompt at the puckrachel drabble meme.
Mia is precocious. Even though it took Puck a long time to understood what that really meant he knew that the word fit his daughter to the letter. According to what he’s heard Mia takes after her mother in that department, that she acts exactly like her. The inquisitive nature, the overabundance of energy. It all comes from her mother. And so sometimes when it’s his time with Mia, as much as he loves his daughter she can tire him out rather quickly. He can just feel his energy drain all at once the second that she refuses to go to sleep, the second she decides to start jumping around the house like someone injected pure sugar right into her veins. He adores her, loves to watch her bounce around, loves the sound of her giggling. There are just moments when her energy is a lot to handle. And it doesn’t really bother him. He just sleeps like the dead on those days.
He never married Mia’s mother. They were together for a couple of years before she ended up pregnant with Mia. They talked about getting married for a while. They considered it. They thought about whether or not they should end up getting married just so that their baby would end up having a real family. But in the end they realized that it wasn’t right to get married just because they were having a baby. And in the end they realized that they were trying to stay together even though the piece of their lives weren’t fitting together the way they wanted them to. And so they broke up just after the baby was born. They stayed in contact, tried to stay friends. They sometimes had family dinners just so that Mia could have both of her parents together in moments like that. And they shared custody of their daughter without having any sort of a legal discussion about it. They just knew that they had to share custody of her, that it wasn’t fair to deprive her of one parent. No child deserves that.
So, they share custody of her. She spends most of her time with her mother, has her mother as her primary caregiver, goes to school from her house and the like. But she spends most weekends living with her father. It wasn’t a big deal. Mia didn’t seem to mind being shuffled between the two houses, didn’t mind packing up her bag for the weekend to go stay with her father. She would just run up the stairs to her room, pack up her little weekend bag and then run back down to the main floor of the house and had her mother drive her over to stay with her father. And then she would just run up to him, hug him as tight as her tiny little arms could manage and dash off into the house leaving her parents to sort of smile at each other in the most friendly way that two people can when they share a child but aren’t together, when they definitely didn’t have any problems with each other. Not really.
Puck made sure to make Mia’s room as nice as he possibly could. He wasn’t really sure what a little girl would like for her room when he was first setting it up and Rachel was busy setting up a room in her house for their little girl so in the end he had his sister come and help him. Sarah led him throughout the store to help him pick out paint, furniture, curtains. She seemed to know exactly how the room should be set up. And she seemed very content with the idea of being able to have a niece that she would be able to play with when she went to visit him. She didn’t understand really why their relationship seemed to fall apart but at the same time she just seemed glad that her brother was going to get the chance to prove he could be a much better father than their father was.
Some of Puck’s best days are when Mia is staying with him. It’s not that his life is horrible when she’s not there. He wishes he could be around her more, yes, but that’s about the only problem. Yet he looks forward to the weekends and when she has off from school and gets to spend more time with her. The moment he sees her running out of the car and up to him he feels like everything in his life makes total sense for a moment. He couldn’t ask for more in that moment. He may not have a relationship to speak of but he has his perfect little girl that’s so full of life and energy that it’s almost contagious. What more could he ask for?
It’s Sunday evening which means that he’s going to be bringing Mia back to her mother’s house soon. He’s never really been much of a cook, doesn’t even cook for himself very often, relying on mostly takeout to survive but when Mia is there he does whatever he can to make sure that she has an actual meal. She’s young so she’s pretty consistent about what she likes. Currently she’s mostly interested in that dinosaur chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. It’s at least the simplest type of meal he could make for her. Heat the chicken up in the oven, boil water to cook the macaroni, add the cheese powder. It’s not the healthiest of meals but she likes it. And he at least can get her to eat some fruit afterwards as a type of desert to keep her mother happy when it comes to nutrition.
Mia is sitting at the table with her dark, wavy hair hanging around her face, a little messy from all the running around she’s been doing that day. He’ll have to help her brush it out a little bit before he brings her home just so that her mother knows he’s making sure she takes care of her hygiene. He doesn’t really mind it though. But Mia is sitting there looking at him with eyes that are the same color as his, dancing around a little bit in her seat as he brings over her plate and sets it down in front of her and sets his own plate down in front of his seat. He never thought he’d eat dinosaur chicken nuggets for dinner but he supposes when you become a parent you tend to do all sorts of things you never really thought you’d do. And he has to admit- that chicken is actually pretty awesome.
She stabs at her macaroni, takes tiny bites, dainty bites the way her mother tends to do when she eats. It probably comes from the fact that she actually lives with her mother and watches her eat all the time. Little kids tend to mimic what the adults in their lives tend to do. But she’s legitimately sitting there eating her food in the same way that her mother eats her food. It makes the corner of Puck’s mouth curve up in a slight smile while he watches his daughter. She puts her fork down, takes a sip of her milk and then looks at him, her hazel eyes wide with that childlike wonder they eventually lose as they age. “Daddy? I wanna know something.”
“Sure, Princess. What do you wanna know?” He pauses with his fork halfway to his mouth. He can’t really stick food in his mouth if he’s going to be talking to her. Rachel would kill him if she found out he was teaching their five year-old bad manners by chewing with his mouth open. And he doesn’t want to get into that fight with her. He’d rather save the fighting for the instances when they have a real reason to fight.
“Do you love Mommy?”
Puck blinks at her like she just asked him to explain quantum physics to her. She’s never asked him anything like that. She’s never asked about her parents and their relationship. It’s like she’s always just taken it at face value, like the way her family is happens to be perfectly fine with her. So the fact that she’s asking that is pretty damn surprising to him. It makes him sort of have a bit of a brain stutter, makes him unsure of how he should actually respond to her. He knows the answer to the question but the problem is that he isn’t sure where she’s going with her question so he’s not entirely sure if he should answer her. But he knows if he doesn’t she’ll just ask him again. She’s like her mother in that way. She tends to harp on things.
“Yeah, Princess,” he answers after a minute. “I love your ma. And I love you. You know I love you both. You’re my two favorite girls in the world. Can’t love anyone more than you two. Why do you wanna know?”
“Suzy says when mommies and daddies love each other they should be married and stuff. Why aren’t you and mommy married if you love her?”
He’s really regretting answering her question. And he really doesn’t like that this Suzy girl has made her question that sort of thing, has basically made her wonder about her family when for her entire life so far she’s been pretty content with how things are. He doesn’t really know how to explain things to her in a way that will satisfy a kid her age. There are a lot of things about adults and their relationships that someone her age can’t really understand. Five year-olds don’t get relationships. Everything is pretty black and white when it comes to friends and love. And the finger points of his and Rachel’s relationship is a little hard to explain to a child.
“Sometimes mommies and daddies can love each other and not be together,” he tries to explain to her after a moment. “Sometimes they’re better when they’re not together. But that doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other, Princess. And it doesn’t mean that we love you any less, Mia. You know your ma and I love you, right? That we love you more than anything?”
Mia nods slightly, her hair bouncing around her face. “I know, Daddy.”
“Well, that’s what matters, Princess. Mommy and I love you. And we might not be married but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We’re always gonna love you. That’s what matters. That’s all you gotta know. Mommy and I love you. And I love Mommy. But Mommy and I? We just can’t be married. Doesn’t mean anything though, Princess. Your family isn’t any less of a family just because Mommy and I aren’t married. We both love you. Just remember that.”
Mia frowns a little like she’s not entirely happy with the answer, like maybe that answer can’t and won’t do her any good but she’s a little kid and sometimes little kids don’t always like the answers adults have to give them. But there are times when you just can’t give the kids the answers that they want. Children just don’t know how to understand the more adult aspects of life yet. They have to live more, have to grow and experience life more to understand it all. “Okay,” she says, takes her fork back into her hand and starts to stab at her food again.
“Hey, Princess? Why don’t I talk to Mommy and maybe the three of us can go on a trip this weekend? You don’t have school. Maybe we can go to the beach.” He knows it might not be the best way to try to comfort her but that’s the only option that he can give her, the only thing he can try to do to make her feel better.
“Okay.” She smiles around her fork and pulls the utensil away from his mouth, starts to chew on the food. The little smile on her face, the way the dimple that she has on one of her cheek stands out, it makes the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile.
They just sit there at the table until they’re done with their meal and then he gives her the orange he peeled and sectioned, lets her eat them and then wash off her hands to get the sticky orange juice off of her fingers. Then he sits down on the couch, has her standing in front of him while he brushes her hair to get some of the knots out, pulls it back into a ponytail and gets her bag ready. “Come on, Princess. Let’s get you back to your mother’s house.”
He tugs gently on her ponytail, listens to the little laugh she lets out and then hikes the bright pink backpack she brings to his house every weekend onto his shoulder, leads her out of the house to bring her to his truck so he can drive her home.
Rachel never expected to end up being a mother without being married. She was twenty-two years old when she started to date Puck and only a year later she found out she was pregnant. It was a lot sooner than she thought that she would end up pregnant. It was unplanned, a big surprise and totally unexpected. But the second she knew she was pregnant she knew she was going to have that baby. And she knew that Puck would do whatever he could to be a father to his daughter.
They tried to make things work. They really and truly did. They wanted to make things work but they were both in different places in their lives. They both wanted different things. At that point she wanted to stay in Manhattan. Stay there and work on her career. Even with her baby coming she didn’t want to give up her dreams of being on Broadway. And Puck? Well, he wasn’t sure where he was going with his life. Not really. And she was willing to accept that but it made it so much harder for them to be in a relationship with the baby coming and all. And in the end they split up.
Even though she ended up not really being able to do the whole Broadway thing she didn’t regret any of it. The moment that she held that little girl in her arms, looked at her beautiful little face with her tiny little nose and her itty bitty little fingers she knew that Mia was the best thing she ever had done or ever would do in her life. That little girl became her whole world. She was the one person she could say she loved more than anyone else in the world, that she would always love. Mia was her life. And she always would be her life.
Once she decided that being on Broadway wasn’t that important, that her daughter’s happiness came first she ended up she decided to move out of Manhattan, to give her a less hectic environment to grow up in. puck agreed rather easily and decided to move so that he could end up living near his daughter, so it would be easier to see her. And they moved into houses in upstate New York and Rachel got a job as a music teacher. Her experience at NYADA made getting that job much easier than it would have been under different circumstances.
Rachel loved being a mother. She loved having that little girl to go home to every day. She even loved helping her with her simple kindergarten homework, loved the way she would dance around the house, loved to hear her laugh, to see her smile. It was the highlight of her day. And she was very happy that Mia was able to see her father every single weekend. Because Mia really loved her father from the time she basically got to meet him. And even though she and Puck didn’t end up being able to be together they had a pretty decent family dynamic. And she has to admit that a part of her enjoys when they have family moments. They may not be together but they care about each other. And that’s what matters to her at the end of the day.
Sunday nights Rachel spends most of her time sitting in the living room waiting for Puck to bring their daughter back home. She knows that a part of him wishes that they could have more time together, that he could have more than just the weekend with his little girl. But he gets to see her as often as possible. He gets to see her when she has time off from school. But he’s never late about bringing her back. He always makes sure she has dinner, always makes sure she did whatever silly homework she had for the weekend and brings her back to the house. Then when Mia gets home Rachel changes her into her pajamas and has her brush her teeth before she tucks her into bed.
She hears Puck’s truck pull up outside of the house while she’s sitting on the couch reading a book. She glances out the window to be sure that it’s him that’s there and after a few seconds she puts her bookmark into the book, places it down on the coffee table so she can stand up from the couch and find her place later. Making her way to the door she pushes her hair over her shoulders, opens the door and watches while Puck helps Mia down out of the truck. And once her tiny little feet hit the ground in her bright pink sneakers and she sees her mother a wide smile spreads across her little face.
“Mommy!” Mia runs towards the front steps and Rachel crouches down so she’s closer to her daughter’s height, smiles as her little arms wrap around her neck. She hugs her daughter close to her, kisses her temple, runs her hand over her ponytail. It’s the same thing that they do every single time she comes home.
“Hey, baby. Have fun with Daddy?”
Mia moves back a little when Rachel loosens her grip on her, nods a little which makes her ponytail bounce. “Uh-huh.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Rachel smiles at her, brushes her fingers against her daughter’s cheeks. “Why don’t you go upstairs, sweetheart? Pick out your pajamas for the night. Mommy will be upstairs to help you change into them soon.”
“Okay, Mommy.” Mia places a loud kiss against Rachel’s cheek and then dashes past her to run upstairs.
Standing up Rachel gives Puck a small smile as he walks up to her, holds Mia’s backpack out to her. She takes it from him, puts the strap on her own shoulder. She’ll just empty it out after Mia is tucked in. for a handful of seconds she just watches him standing there in his leather jacket and his work boots he wears almost all of the time. “Was she behaved this weekend?”
“Yeah. She’ll probably crash the second her head hits the pillow. Ran around like a maniac all day.” The edge of his mouth turns up slightly into a smile, like he’s really very amused by the fact that she was acting that way the whole weekend. It’s expected though. Mia has been a bundle of energy since the day she learned how to walk.”
Rachel smiles a little wider, feels rather amused by the way he’s talking about their little girl. She just stands there for a little while and looks at him, watches him and thinks about all of the things they’ve been through.
She thinks about the boy he was and the man he has become. She thinks about how he started out, how he was when she first met him. How he started out as this jerk of a guy. He threw kids into dumpsters, threw slushies in their faces; he would sleep with any girl that was willing- and any girl. He was rude and cocky and he wasn’t really the type of man that she could have ever imagined herself being with. He was attractive, very attractive, but that didn’t change that his attitude was off-putting. And then something had happened. It was glee club and being slushied himself; it was Beth and it was juvie but something inside of him had changed.
He turned into a better guy, he turned into a better friend. He was still cocky and he was still a jerk sometimes; he was still lazy and he still thought he was God’s gift to women, would sleep with whoever was willing. But it was more than that. He proved he could be a good boyfriend; he proved he could be a good friend. He had turned into someone that was just so much easier to care about. Even during moments when she didn’t know if she agreed with him she had to admit she liked him, she cared about him. Back then it wasn’t anything romantic really but she cared about him.
And then he changed even more. He had turned into someone that was somehow exactly like that boy who threw slushies at people- something she seemed to be his favorite target for- and yet nothing like him all at once. He had become a rather sweet guy for the most part. He wore the same mask most of the time, let the world see the mask, the wall more than anything. But he didn’t wear the mask for her or their little girl. He became someone she had been proud to date, someone who was a really good father to their little girl. And he was a good boyfriend. They hadn’t broken up because he sucked at it or anything of the sort. He worked to give himself a life; he worked so he wouldn’t become his father. He still had his pool cleaning business but it was more legitimate this time. He mostly just ran it and had people working for him. They cleaned pools in the area, cleaned ones at hotels, at gyms in the area. They worked on repairing filtration systems, sold supplies for people to clean their own pools if they wanted to. He did rather well for himself considering their senior year of high school he was sure his life would be in shambles when he got older. And maybe he worked that hard for himself, maybe he did it for Mia. It didn’t matter, she supposed. What mattered was that he had worked hard to change his life.
After a moment she shook herself out of her deep though, cleared her throat as her smile started to change into a sort of shy one. It isn’t the first time that she had ever gone into deep thought while talking to him. He never seems to mind. It seems like he’s use to her and the way she acts by then. “Well,” she starts as she hikes the backpack up higher on her shoulder. “I’ll drop Mia off on Friday.”
“Rach…”
“Hmm?” Rachel arches both of her dark eyebrows at him, his eyes meeting hers. Sometimes, even after all the time they’ve spent apart, she has to admit that there are moments when their eyes meet and it feels like they’re still together, when it makes her feel the exact same way as she felt before they decided that going their separate ways. His eyes can still make her feel like she’s melting into a puddle on the floor. Sometimes she has to actively force herself not to feel that way though she supposes it’s natural. Love doesn’t go away that easily. And they have a child together. They’re forever intertwined.
“I was thinking…Mia has the week off next week. So, I was wondering…you know how much Mia loves when we do things as a family. So, I thought maybe we could go to the shore or something. Stay at the house your dads bought for family vacations and stuff. She just seems like she could use some family time, y’know? If you can’t or don’t want to, that’s fine. I just thought I’d suggest it.”
“No, no.” Rachel lifts up one hand rather quickly and waves it a little to wave off the idea that she wouldn’t want to have them get the chance to be a family for a little bit, just for their daughter of course. It should definitely work for her. The advantage of working for the school system is that when her daughter has time off so does she. The only question would be whether or not Noah would be able to get the time off. He may be the boss but that doesn’t always mean he can come and go as he pleases. “No, we can go. I think it’d be nice to get out of here for a little while. But can you take the time off?”
“Yeah, I can take the time off. Not a problem. Plus side of being the boss.” The edge of Noah’s mouth turns up into a smile, the same sort of cocky smile he used to let spread across his face when they were back in high school. “So, if you want we can meet up on Friday and head down. Take your car, I guess. The truck isn’t really the best to drive all three of us down there.”
“No, that works for me.” Rachel lets another smile spread across her face and takes two steps closer to her, stands up on the tips of her toes to press a kiss to his cheek. “Mia and I will see you on Friday. I’ll make sure she’s all packed.”
“Yeah, okay.” Puck lets his gaze linger on her for a little while, their daughter’s question dancing around in his head before he lifts up a hand and sort of waves to her to tell her goodbye. “See you Friday, Rach.” He steps back from the front steps and back to his truck, Rachel’s eyes on him the entire time that he’s moving. She waits until he climbs up into the truck to leave before she heads back inside. Sometimes she can’t stop herself from watching him; sometimes she can’t help herself from wondering how things would be if they were still together.
She locks the door behind her and heads upstairs to her daughter’s room. Mia is standing there still pulling on her pajamas. Most of the time she waits for Rachel in case she might need help but sometimes she decides to take matters into her own hand. Rachel puts Mia’s backpack down and watches her for a few seconds, this tiny smile curving up the corner of her mouth. “Come on, pumpkin,” she says while she motions slightly for her daughter to head into the bathroom once her pajamas are on.
Mia dutifully takes her pajamas in her hands and puts them in the hamper before running into the bathroom. They follow their usual nighttime routine when it comes to getting Mia ready for bed. Rachel lifts up her daughter and puts her on the stool in front of the sink. Mia brushes her teeth while Rachel brushes out her hair so she can braid it. If she braids her hair it’s a lot better for when she has to take her bath in the morning. The fewer knots they have to comb through while getting her ready for school the better. She brushes her fingers through her little girl’s hair and braids the long strands. Braided her hair reaches almost her lower back. Noah keeps wondering why they don’t cut it but Mia seems to like it just the way it is.
Mia washes her face and Rachel takes her down off of the little stool, leads her back to her bedroom and tucks her into bed. Some nights she reads to her but she only does it when Mia asks. And she doesn’t always ask. So Rachel just tucks the sheets around her little girl, presses a kiss to her forehead and runs her hand over her daughter’s soft, soft hair. “I love you, sweetheart.” She runs her hand over her hair again and just as she’s going to leave her daughter puts one tiny hand on her arm to stop her. Rachel looks back down at her, gives her a tiny bit of a smile. “What is it, baby? Did you need something?”
“I wanna ask you something, Mommy.”
“Sure, baby. Go ahead. You can ask me anything.”
“Do you love Daddy?”
“Oh.” Rachel blinks her eyes rather rapidly at her little girl. She can’t say that she expected that question of all the questions her daughter could have asked her in that moment. And she could have asked her a million different things. Mia has always been rather inquisitive by nature. Inquisitive and vivacious. But she’s never questioned where things stood between herself and Noah. She never seemed to want to ask, to need to ask. She always just seemed to accept her family situation exactly as it is. And she hadn’t prepared herself for that question. She knew it would come one day but she thought she had time before she would have to answer a question like that. She thought she’d have time to gather her thoughts when it came to how she felt about Noah before she would have to explain anything to their little girl.
“Yeah, baby,” she admits after a moment, a flicker of a smile spreading across her face. “Yeah, I love your Daddy. Mommy loves Daddy very much.”
“Then why aren’t you married?”
“Oh, Mia…” Trailing off Rachel sighs. She knew that her daughter would wonder about that one day. She wondered when she was little why her fathers weren’t married. She didn’t think it made any sense. They cared about each other, loved each other, lived like a married couple. She never understood why they weren’t married. She understood even less why they weren’t allowed to get married. It makes sense that she might wonder why her parents weren’t married, why they hadn’t ever been married. Especially since most of her friends had parents who were, in fact, married. Any child would wonder why their family wasn’t really like everyone else’s if they had what wasn’t considered a conventional family dynamic.
“Not all mommies and daddies get married,” she tries to explain to her daughter though she isn’t sure that someone of her age is mature enough to understand that. Yes, some children that age are much more mature than others. And her daughter is slightly more advanced than a lot of girls her age but that still doesn’t mean that she’s going to understand what her mother is trying to tell her. There’s a definite chance that all Rachel is going to do is confuse her.
“But…why?”
Sighing Rachel takes her daughter’s hand in hers, squeezes down a little bit like it will make her calm down, it will make her feel better about what she’s saying. It’s hard though to decide how she should answer her daughter. She doesn’t know how much she can tell her. She’s too young to understand a lot of the finer details of adult relationships. So she has to find a way to explain it all to her without going into some of the more difficult to explain - and understand- aspects of why she and Noah are no longer together. “Sometimes, baby? You can love someone and things just don’t work. Sometimes it’s hard to get along. And instead of being together and fighting all of the time? It’s better just to not be together.” She brushes her fingers over her daughter’s hair, smiles just a little bit. “Your daddy and I care about each other very much, sweetie. And we love you. And that’s what matters. So don’t worry so much about it. Just because we’re not together it doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other and we don’t love you. We’re still a family, sweetheart.”
Mia’s mouth screws up at the corner as though she’s trying to decide whether or not she thinks that’s a satisfying answer and then, after a few seconds, she nods her head just a little bit though she doesn’t look entirely sure she likes the answer. Rachel doesn’t know what other answer to give her though so unfortunately that’s the one her little girl is stuck with. “Okay, Mommy,” she says though even though she doesn’t sound so sure. But she doesn’t continue asking her about it. Instead she just cuddles up underneath the covers.
Rachel smiles just a tiny bit as she leans down slightly, presses a kiss to her daughter’s forehead and then leaves the room, making sure the nightlight is on for her. Later that night she’ll empty out the backpack for her, will put the dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, tuck her finished homework into her backpack so she doesn’t accidentally leave it at home. And tomorrow she’ll start to prepare things for them all to go away for a little while. It should be a nice little change.
The house that her fathers bought is right on the beach. It’s somewhat a pain in the rear end when it comes to the whole tracking sand into the house but it’s really nice when it comes to having Mia around. She can run right out onto the beach and then run right back inside without having to go very far. It gives her a lot of time to play in the sand- and sometime in the ocean, when either Noah or herself goes in with her, of course. There’s no such thing as too safe when it comes to a child.
For now Rachel and Noah are both sitting underneath a beach umbrella on the blanket Rachel set out for them while they watch Mia playing in the sand. She had slept the entire time that they drove down to the beach. And then as soon as they got to the couch she basically hoped up and down until her mother helped her change into her little purple bathing suit so that they could all go out to the beach. Mia seems to be having far too much fun for her own good but Rachel likes to see her having fun. And it’s always nice to see her get out some of that excess energy.
The entire ride down had been rather quiet with Mia sleeping and all. And Rachel wasn’t really sure what she should even say to him given the fact that Mia’s question to her kept on playing through her head the entire ride. She wanted to say something to Noah, maybe play off the whole thing and make a joke out of it but she isn’t sure what to say about that even as they sit there and watch their daughter playing. How is she supposed to bring something like that up to him? It isn’t as though they don’t have a lot of strange history to deal with.
Most of all the more she thinks about it the more she isn’t sure anymore why they aren’t together. She knows why they broke up. She would have to be stupid not to know what made them breakup to begin with. But they aren’t really in the same place that they were back then. Not physically, of course, but also not emotionally. A lot has changed since they were together. And not just because they have a daughter together when they were only expecting one at the time of their breakup. It’s about who they are as people. That has changed quite a bit in the time since they broke up.
That doesn’t mean, however, that she thinks they’re suddenly going to get back together. It’s not because she doesn’t love him or anything. She wasn’t lying when she told Mia that she still loved Noah. Why wouldn’t she love him? Not only is he the father of her child but despite their differences he was a very good boyfriend. He made her feel beautiful when she felt particularly ugly that day. He always had faith in her, he always supported her. No matter what he was there for her even when they were just friends. All Noah ever did was try to be there for her, to support her.
Every so often she glances over at him. Watches his profile as it’s partially bathed in light, partially in shadow. She watches him as he watches their daughter, his strong jaw and his handsome face. Even now she sometimes feels that strange, thrilling pull in the pit of her stomach when she looks at him, the undeniable attraction that had made her agree to go out with him to begin with all of those years ago. Sometimes it makes her just want to crawl into his lap, snuggle up against him and let him hold her if nothing more. His arms have always given her comfort.
She doesn’t try to act on it though. She doesn’t try to do anything. As a matter-of-fact, for the first three days that they’re there she barely talks to him except for the friendliest of conversations that she can have with him. Their relationship has been friendly ever since they broke up which is why she has no problem being friendly with him just then. So she’s as friendly with him as she can be, plays with her daughters, watches both Noah and their daughter running around in the sand, splashing in the water. For a little while she can imagine that she’s basically in a real family. For a little while she can imagine that they’re really all one big happy family instead of the strange sort of fractured one that they are. And it’s not that she hates their family the way it is. It’s just nice to imagine them as a real one.
On the third night down there after Rachel has tucked their daughter into bed and Mia has gotten her father to read her a bedtime story the two of them sit down on the porch, Rachel drinking wine which she always used to think was pretentious but developed a taste for over the years, him drinking beer which was definitely more his style than wine could ever be. The sun has gone down, the moon casting a light on the ocean. It’s quiet, it’s calm. It’s one of the most relaxing moments she’s been able to have since she had Mia. As much as she loves her daughter she sometimes would like to have peace and quiet. And she gets that when Mia is staying at Noah’s house but it’s a little different than the peace she’s feeling just then.
Taking another sip from her wine she closes her eyes, relaxes in her seat. And as soon as she closes her eyes Noah looks at her. His eyes remain on her for a few moments, his gaze skipping over her face, down the line of her neck as her head tilts back just a little bit. She looks more at peace to him than she ever did in the city.
Before Mia was born she loved the city and Puck knew she did. He knew that she loved it there but he also knew she didn’t want to raise a baby in that type of a place. And he had to admit he agreed. Kids need more space, need fresher air. As boring as Lima was at least there wasn’t a huge concern when it came to crime, when it came to having such big classes that she was barely noticed. There were advantages and disadvantages to both types of areas, he supposed. But in the end he knew that Rachel made the choice she did because she thought it was what was best for their little girl.
But never in Manhattan had she seemed to be that at ease, that relaxed. Because Manhattan was insanely hectic most of the time. And because it was so hectic relaxation was quite difficult to fine. And yet there he is looking at her, her breathing even, her fingers holding the wine glass delicately as though she’s afraid she might snap the stem off with her fingers if she isn’t careful. She’s like something that stepped right out of a movie. And he wants to say something to her but he isn’t entirely sure what he should say, what there even is to say in that moment. So he doesn’t say anything yet. Instead he just reaches over and tucks a strand of her hair behind one of her ears.
Rachel opens her eyes to look over at him, this sort of curious look flickering across her face for a second before it fades away as he slowly smiles, shrugs his shoulders just a little bit. It’s like he’s telling her not to read too much into it, that he simply did what he did on an impulse and it doesn’t mean any more than that. But the truth is that he just couldn’t stop himself from touching her. he wasn’t about to push things and end up touching her in too intimate of a way since they’re no longer together but he still wanted to touch her. Just to say he brushed his fingers over her cheek again even if he never gets to do it again.
“Today was a good day,” she says as she turns her head, looks back out at the light the moon is casting over the water. The spots there the moonlight is hitting it happens to be uneasy, the water nowhere near quiet and settled or anything of the sort. It’s surprisingly relaxing despite the fact that she’s well aware that the water is very dangerous with the way the waves are moving. It would be a very bad idea for anyone to try to go out there and swim. Well, if they were to go too far out. But if they stay close enough to shore they should be rather safe. And a part of her is tempted to go into the water, feel the very, very cold water around her body. She hasn’t been drinking enough where that would be a problem either and she knows it. She just isn’t sure if she should attempt to swim any time soon.
As though Noah’s reading her mind he puts down his beer bottle and stands up from his seat on the porch, kicks his shoes off and starts walking down off of the porch towards the water. Rachel puts her own glass onto the table and stands up as she watches him move, her eyebrows furrowing as she moves towards the top step to watch him move. “Noah?” she calls out to him. “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” he asks as he turns back to her, his mouth curving into an almost smirk while he looks at her. She takes one step down so that her feet hit the sand, grains of it sliding under her feet so they’re trapped between her toes and the flip-flops. “I’m going swimming.” She starts to open her mouth to respond as he tugs his shirt off, tosses it down onto the sand. Her breath sort of catches in her throat for a moment because it’s been so long since she’s seen him without his shirt in any setting where it was just the two of them. The only other times were when they took their little girl swimming and that was different. That was when he was playing with his little girl.
“That water has to be freezing,” she warns him as he walks backwards towards the water, as she walks towards him, follows after him as though she can stop him even though she knows that she can’t. When Noah has his mind set on something then he does it no matter what she says to him. He’s just as stubborn as she is. “And the tide can be hazardous.”
“I can handle the cold,” he assures her as he steps closer to the water. “And it’s only dangerous if I go too far out. I’m a lot smarter than you think, Rach.” That same smirk remains on his face as he stops near the water, reaches down to undo the button and the zipper of his jeans and then pushes them down, steps out of them and sort of kicks them aside. And then, without another word, he steps backwards into the water. His body shivers just a little bit as the water hits him but he just keeps backing up into the water.
Rachel moves towards him and takes his pants in her hands, moves them back a bit so that when the waves come in they won’t hit his jeans and get them wet. Jeans are made from such light material that there’s a very good chance the ocean’s waves could take ahold of them and drag them out to sea. “You’re crazy, Noah.”
He laughs as he ducks under the water so that his entire body is wet. “You know you wanna come out with me,” he tells her. “You know this looks like a shit ton of fun.”
Rachel can’t deny that she sort of wants to know how it feels to be out there in the water, wants to throw caution to the wind for a moment but at the same time she isn’t entirely sure she wants to head out there into the water with him. So instead she just stands there and watches him, folds her arms over her chest as she looks at him. “You know, if you end up drowning I’m never going to forgive you. And I don’t think Mia will either.”
“I’m not going to drown.” He rolls his eyes at her and smiles despite himself. He just continues to watch her as he’s in the water, just watches her as she stands there and seems to wait to see what he’s going to do. It’s not until she bites down on her bottom lip in contemplation that he knows he’s wearing her down. “Just go swimming with me, Rach. Have a little fun. Live a little. We don’t get to do this very often, do we? Either of us. Act like adults instead of like parents. We only get to stop being parents while she’s asleep. So come out and have some fun with me.”
Rachel isn’t entirely sure it’s a good idea but it’s a little too tempting in that moment not to do just that, to go out into the ocean with him. She knows it could be a bad idea but that doesn’t mean she’s going to back down. She can’t back down. She knows that it would feel nice to live a little bit. So she sighs heavily, sort of gives him a withering look before she reaches over to her side and undoes the zipper of her dress, slips her arms out of the sleeves and lets her dress slide off of her body and down to the sand near his pants. She considers taking off her bra for a moment but thinks better of it. Being mostly naked around her is a bad idea.
With her dress on the sand she makes her way towards the water. When it hits her toes she flinches back a little bit, the water being much colder than she had originally thought that it would be. He laughs at her a little bit like he’s just waiting for her to back down and then she gives him a defiant look and steps into the water. As it rushes around her body she takes a sharp breath, holds it as she tries to get her body to adjust to the way it feels around her.
Noah watches her for a few moments and then, once she seems to be adjusting to the feeling of the water around her, he swipes his hand across the water. The cold water hits her face and she sputters at him, splashes back at him the best that she can but then, after a moment, she dips down into the water so that it’s over her head, her hair getting wet and when she comes back up strands of her hair stick to her face. The moonlight doesn’t do too much to illuminate the world but it’s enough for her to see his face. He’s watching her, watching her rather intently.
“Mia asked me a question the other night. Before I brought her back to your house,” he says after a moment.
“Yeah? She’s rather inquisitive.” Mia is always asking questions so she can’t say that she’s entirely surprised by that statement. She knows that her daughter asks the both of them all sort of questions. She always wants to know things she might not necessarily need to know but can’t help to want to know. She’s just like Rachel in that regard. Always wanting to know things.
“Yeah.” He swims a little closer to her, carefully picks the strands of hair off of her face and tucks them behind her ears as she watches him in a sort of inquisitive way. “She was asking me why we aren’t together. I guess she’s kinda confused about it, y’know? Most of her friends have parents that are together and shit. Or parents who don’t really spend time together the way that we do. Guess it’s natural she has questions.”
“She asked me the same thing,” Rachel admits as she watches him, his fingers brushing against her cheek feeling really, really nice.
“Funny thing? I couldn’t really give her an answer that really seemed, y’know, like a good answer,” he tells her while his fingers linger on her cheek. Rachel opens her mouth as if to say something to him but doesn’t know what to say. She could admit she’s been wondering the same thing as Mia lately but it seems to be straying into dangerous territory. Just because he couldn’t give their daughter a good answer doesn’t mean that he thinks they should get back together. That isn’t even close to what he had just told her. So she closes her mouth and just meets his eyes, watches him as she waits for him to continue talking.
He doesn’t continue talking though. He just lets his fingers linger on her face for a little while, keeps his eyes locked with hers and then he tilts his head just a little bit to the side and slants his mouth down over hers. For a moment she sort of holds her breath. She hasn’t kissed him in so long that for a moment it steals the breath out of her, makes her unsure of what she should do in response. And then when his tongue brushes against her bottom lip she sort of melts into the kiss, her mouth opening so he tongue can touch his, her arms slipping up to wrap around his neck. Her body presses up against his in the water, his arms going around her waist. The two of them just floating there in the water.
His fingers tangle in her hair and she whimpers into his mouth, the water shifting around them as they stay like that for a long, long while. Time sort of feels like its staying still in that moment and she has to admit that she likes it, she’s getting lost in it. She almost forgot how wonderful it felt to kiss him, to kiss any man, to be wrapped up in a person. Ever since she had Mia she hasn’t really dated much. She never really saw the point. She was a young mother and a lot of guys don’t tend to like a child in the mix when they’re dating a woman. And the truth is that she really never did stop loving Noah. She thinks she will always love Noah.
They don’t really talk about it when they slowly make their way towards the shore, their mouths barely parting the entire time they move. But when they’re close enough to the shore he separates from her he takes her hand in his. There’s sort of an unspoken conversation between them as he leads her back towards the house, stops to pick up her clothes in his wet hands. He just leads her back to the house, leaves their shoes where they are, leads her right to the bedroom she’s been staying in, drops their clothes to the floor, kicks the door shut and then his arms go back around her, his mouth slanting back down over hers.
They fall into the bed together, his hands on her body, undoing the clasp of her bra, shimming her underwear down her hips. His mouth touches her, goes over her skin, kisses every part of her. He kisses her breasts almost as though he feels completely and totally honored that she would let him see her that way again. His mouth goes over her stomach, her hips, between her legs. It’s the first time in years she’s felt that on fire while being around another person, like her blood is literally dancing in flames.
For the first time in over five years she gives herself over to someone that night. He sinks inside of her and makes her feel complete, makes her feel whole. His breath is warm on her face, his hands gripping her like if he lets her go she’s going to disappear from view, his hips meeting hers with each thrust, each movement of their bodies. The sound of his breathing, the sound of his sort of groans, the sounds of her moans, the way his name slips past her lips fill the room, the way their bodies start to get slick with sweat is like some strange fantasy, their bodies bathed in the pale moonlight slipping through the window.
When they’re done they lay there on the bed, their limbs wrapped up in each other, one of her legs in-between his. He keeps brushing his fingers through her hair, the strands slightly stiff from the saltwater of the ocean. For a little while she can actually feel like they’re a normal family, just two parents with their kid sleeping down the hall stealing a moment or two of privacy before they have to go back to playing mommy and daddy again. Slipping a hand beneath her chin he tilts her face up, bites down slightly on his bottom lip so she whimpers slightly.
“You know I always loved you, right?” he questions her in the otherwise quiet room, his voice sounding loud despite the fact that he’s whispering.
“I love you, too,” she whispers back to him, her eyes sliding closed as his fingers go back to her hair, start to sift through the strands again.
“Then why aren’t we together?”
“You know why.”
“I know why we weren’t together then, Rach. But why not now? Babe, shit is good. Shit is really good. With Mia. With us. We have that amazing little girl down the hall and we get along really fucking well. I love you. You love me. And the sex is still fucking awesome.” She lets out a startled laugh that makes the corners of his mouth turn up even though he can’t see it. “So, why aren’t we back together? Why don’t we try to this shit again? Try to be together. Try to be a family and stuff, y’know? I mean, we’re more like a family than some people that are married. So why don’t we try this again? Why don’t we try to be real parents for our little girl? Why don’t we try this again for us even? Face it, Rach- no one is gonna love you more than I do. And no one is gonna love me more than you love me. And there’s sure as shit never gonna be anyone who loves that little girl more than either of us do.”
She opens her eyes just a little bit as she looks up at him from under her eyelashes. She watches him for a few seconds, thinks about how she has this warmth swirling around inside of her from being so close to him, how nice it feels lying there in his arms but there’s also uneasiness swirling around inside of her because if they try things again and they go bad it could hurt their little girl. “What makes you think we’re going to work out this time? What makes you think things are going to be alright with us? We already tried this once. And as satisfying as our sex life is that doesn’t mean that we make a good couple.”
“We got nothing to lose and everything we could gain, babe. This could be the chance we have to be happy. With each other.”
Closing her eyes again she snuggles closer to him in the bed, the sheets still damp beneath their bodies but starting to dry off a little bit. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I think I am.” Tilting his head down just a little bit he places a kiss to the top of her head.
The kiss makes her entire body relaxes and the corners of her mouth turn up slightly into a smile. “Alright,” she says after a moment. “We can try this again. But if it doesn’t work? We have to figure out a way make things work for Mia. We can’t let her suffer. And we can’t let her know. Not right away. She’ll expect too much.”
“You got yourself a deal, babe,” he murmurs against the top of her head, sleepiness already starting to make him feel like he’s going to fall asleep. But he just lays there with his arms wrapped around her until he hears her breathing even out and sees her lying there asleep in his arms.
Maybe things won’t work between them but it’s worth a try. Not just for them but for their daughter. And it’s definitely worth a try. They can’t really do anything but try. And with the knowledge in his head that they’re going to try it again? Sleep slowly takes him over. And for the first time in a long while he has a dreamless sleep.
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Rachel/Puck
Rating: R
Word Count: 9, 786
Summary: Puck and Rachel share custody of their young daughter. The problem is when she starts to question why they aren't together? Neither of them has a good answer for her.
Author's Notes: Written for this prompt at the puckrachel drabble meme.
Mia is precocious. Even though it took Puck a long time to understood what that really meant he knew that the word fit his daughter to the letter. According to what he’s heard Mia takes after her mother in that department, that she acts exactly like her. The inquisitive nature, the overabundance of energy. It all comes from her mother. And so sometimes when it’s his time with Mia, as much as he loves his daughter she can tire him out rather quickly. He can just feel his energy drain all at once the second that she refuses to go to sleep, the second she decides to start jumping around the house like someone injected pure sugar right into her veins. He adores her, loves to watch her bounce around, loves the sound of her giggling. There are just moments when her energy is a lot to handle. And it doesn’t really bother him. He just sleeps like the dead on those days.
He never married Mia’s mother. They were together for a couple of years before she ended up pregnant with Mia. They talked about getting married for a while. They considered it. They thought about whether or not they should end up getting married just so that their baby would end up having a real family. But in the end they realized that it wasn’t right to get married just because they were having a baby. And in the end they realized that they were trying to stay together even though the piece of their lives weren’t fitting together the way they wanted them to. And so they broke up just after the baby was born. They stayed in contact, tried to stay friends. They sometimes had family dinners just so that Mia could have both of her parents together in moments like that. And they shared custody of their daughter without having any sort of a legal discussion about it. They just knew that they had to share custody of her, that it wasn’t fair to deprive her of one parent. No child deserves that.
So, they share custody of her. She spends most of her time with her mother, has her mother as her primary caregiver, goes to school from her house and the like. But she spends most weekends living with her father. It wasn’t a big deal. Mia didn’t seem to mind being shuffled between the two houses, didn’t mind packing up her bag for the weekend to go stay with her father. She would just run up the stairs to her room, pack up her little weekend bag and then run back down to the main floor of the house and had her mother drive her over to stay with her father. And then she would just run up to him, hug him as tight as her tiny little arms could manage and dash off into the house leaving her parents to sort of smile at each other in the most friendly way that two people can when they share a child but aren’t together, when they definitely didn’t have any problems with each other. Not really.
Puck made sure to make Mia’s room as nice as he possibly could. He wasn’t really sure what a little girl would like for her room when he was first setting it up and Rachel was busy setting up a room in her house for their little girl so in the end he had his sister come and help him. Sarah led him throughout the store to help him pick out paint, furniture, curtains. She seemed to know exactly how the room should be set up. And she seemed very content with the idea of being able to have a niece that she would be able to play with when she went to visit him. She didn’t understand really why their relationship seemed to fall apart but at the same time she just seemed glad that her brother was going to get the chance to prove he could be a much better father than their father was.
Some of Puck’s best days are when Mia is staying with him. It’s not that his life is horrible when she’s not there. He wishes he could be around her more, yes, but that’s about the only problem. Yet he looks forward to the weekends and when she has off from school and gets to spend more time with her. The moment he sees her running out of the car and up to him he feels like everything in his life makes total sense for a moment. He couldn’t ask for more in that moment. He may not have a relationship to speak of but he has his perfect little girl that’s so full of life and energy that it’s almost contagious. What more could he ask for?
It’s Sunday evening which means that he’s going to be bringing Mia back to her mother’s house soon. He’s never really been much of a cook, doesn’t even cook for himself very often, relying on mostly takeout to survive but when Mia is there he does whatever he can to make sure that she has an actual meal. She’s young so she’s pretty consistent about what she likes. Currently she’s mostly interested in that dinosaur chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. It’s at least the simplest type of meal he could make for her. Heat the chicken up in the oven, boil water to cook the macaroni, add the cheese powder. It’s not the healthiest of meals but she likes it. And he at least can get her to eat some fruit afterwards as a type of desert to keep her mother happy when it comes to nutrition.
Mia is sitting at the table with her dark, wavy hair hanging around her face, a little messy from all the running around she’s been doing that day. He’ll have to help her brush it out a little bit before he brings her home just so that her mother knows he’s making sure she takes care of her hygiene. He doesn’t really mind it though. But Mia is sitting there looking at him with eyes that are the same color as his, dancing around a little bit in her seat as he brings over her plate and sets it down in front of her and sets his own plate down in front of his seat. He never thought he’d eat dinosaur chicken nuggets for dinner but he supposes when you become a parent you tend to do all sorts of things you never really thought you’d do. And he has to admit- that chicken is actually pretty awesome.
She stabs at her macaroni, takes tiny bites, dainty bites the way her mother tends to do when she eats. It probably comes from the fact that she actually lives with her mother and watches her eat all the time. Little kids tend to mimic what the adults in their lives tend to do. But she’s legitimately sitting there eating her food in the same way that her mother eats her food. It makes the corner of Puck’s mouth curve up in a slight smile while he watches his daughter. She puts her fork down, takes a sip of her milk and then looks at him, her hazel eyes wide with that childlike wonder they eventually lose as they age. “Daddy? I wanna know something.”
“Sure, Princess. What do you wanna know?” He pauses with his fork halfway to his mouth. He can’t really stick food in his mouth if he’s going to be talking to her. Rachel would kill him if she found out he was teaching their five year-old bad manners by chewing with his mouth open. And he doesn’t want to get into that fight with her. He’d rather save the fighting for the instances when they have a real reason to fight.
“Do you love Mommy?”
Puck blinks at her like she just asked him to explain quantum physics to her. She’s never asked him anything like that. She’s never asked about her parents and their relationship. It’s like she’s always just taken it at face value, like the way her family is happens to be perfectly fine with her. So the fact that she’s asking that is pretty damn surprising to him. It makes him sort of have a bit of a brain stutter, makes him unsure of how he should actually respond to her. He knows the answer to the question but the problem is that he isn’t sure where she’s going with her question so he’s not entirely sure if he should answer her. But he knows if he doesn’t she’ll just ask him again. She’s like her mother in that way. She tends to harp on things.
“Yeah, Princess,” he answers after a minute. “I love your ma. And I love you. You know I love you both. You’re my two favorite girls in the world. Can’t love anyone more than you two. Why do you wanna know?”
“Suzy says when mommies and daddies love each other they should be married and stuff. Why aren’t you and mommy married if you love her?”
He’s really regretting answering her question. And he really doesn’t like that this Suzy girl has made her question that sort of thing, has basically made her wonder about her family when for her entire life so far she’s been pretty content with how things are. He doesn’t really know how to explain things to her in a way that will satisfy a kid her age. There are a lot of things about adults and their relationships that someone her age can’t really understand. Five year-olds don’t get relationships. Everything is pretty black and white when it comes to friends and love. And the finger points of his and Rachel’s relationship is a little hard to explain to a child.
“Sometimes mommies and daddies can love each other and not be together,” he tries to explain to her after a moment. “Sometimes they’re better when they’re not together. But that doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other, Princess. And it doesn’t mean that we love you any less, Mia. You know your ma and I love you, right? That we love you more than anything?”
Mia nods slightly, her hair bouncing around her face. “I know, Daddy.”
“Well, that’s what matters, Princess. Mommy and I love you. And we might not be married but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We’re always gonna love you. That’s what matters. That’s all you gotta know. Mommy and I love you. And I love Mommy. But Mommy and I? We just can’t be married. Doesn’t mean anything though, Princess. Your family isn’t any less of a family just because Mommy and I aren’t married. We both love you. Just remember that.”
Mia frowns a little like she’s not entirely happy with the answer, like maybe that answer can’t and won’t do her any good but she’s a little kid and sometimes little kids don’t always like the answers adults have to give them. But there are times when you just can’t give the kids the answers that they want. Children just don’t know how to understand the more adult aspects of life yet. They have to live more, have to grow and experience life more to understand it all. “Okay,” she says, takes her fork back into her hand and starts to stab at her food again.
“Hey, Princess? Why don’t I talk to Mommy and maybe the three of us can go on a trip this weekend? You don’t have school. Maybe we can go to the beach.” He knows it might not be the best way to try to comfort her but that’s the only option that he can give her, the only thing he can try to do to make her feel better.
“Okay.” She smiles around her fork and pulls the utensil away from his mouth, starts to chew on the food. The little smile on her face, the way the dimple that she has on one of her cheek stands out, it makes the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile.
They just sit there at the table until they’re done with their meal and then he gives her the orange he peeled and sectioned, lets her eat them and then wash off her hands to get the sticky orange juice off of her fingers. Then he sits down on the couch, has her standing in front of him while he brushes her hair to get some of the knots out, pulls it back into a ponytail and gets her bag ready. “Come on, Princess. Let’s get you back to your mother’s house.”
He tugs gently on her ponytail, listens to the little laugh she lets out and then hikes the bright pink backpack she brings to his house every weekend onto his shoulder, leads her out of the house to bring her to his truck so he can drive her home.
Rachel never expected to end up being a mother without being married. She was twenty-two years old when she started to date Puck and only a year later she found out she was pregnant. It was a lot sooner than she thought that she would end up pregnant. It was unplanned, a big surprise and totally unexpected. But the second she knew she was pregnant she knew she was going to have that baby. And she knew that Puck would do whatever he could to be a father to his daughter.
They tried to make things work. They really and truly did. They wanted to make things work but they were both in different places in their lives. They both wanted different things. At that point she wanted to stay in Manhattan. Stay there and work on her career. Even with her baby coming she didn’t want to give up her dreams of being on Broadway. And Puck? Well, he wasn’t sure where he was going with his life. Not really. And she was willing to accept that but it made it so much harder for them to be in a relationship with the baby coming and all. And in the end they split up.
Even though she ended up not really being able to do the whole Broadway thing she didn’t regret any of it. The moment that she held that little girl in her arms, looked at her beautiful little face with her tiny little nose and her itty bitty little fingers she knew that Mia was the best thing she ever had done or ever would do in her life. That little girl became her whole world. She was the one person she could say she loved more than anyone else in the world, that she would always love. Mia was her life. And she always would be her life.
Once she decided that being on Broadway wasn’t that important, that her daughter’s happiness came first she ended up she decided to move out of Manhattan, to give her a less hectic environment to grow up in. puck agreed rather easily and decided to move so that he could end up living near his daughter, so it would be easier to see her. And they moved into houses in upstate New York and Rachel got a job as a music teacher. Her experience at NYADA made getting that job much easier than it would have been under different circumstances.
Rachel loved being a mother. She loved having that little girl to go home to every day. She even loved helping her with her simple kindergarten homework, loved the way she would dance around the house, loved to hear her laugh, to see her smile. It was the highlight of her day. And she was very happy that Mia was able to see her father every single weekend. Because Mia really loved her father from the time she basically got to meet him. And even though she and Puck didn’t end up being able to be together they had a pretty decent family dynamic. And she has to admit that a part of her enjoys when they have family moments. They may not be together but they care about each other. And that’s what matters to her at the end of the day.
Sunday nights Rachel spends most of her time sitting in the living room waiting for Puck to bring their daughter back home. She knows that a part of him wishes that they could have more time together, that he could have more than just the weekend with his little girl. But he gets to see her as often as possible. He gets to see her when she has time off from school. But he’s never late about bringing her back. He always makes sure she has dinner, always makes sure she did whatever silly homework she had for the weekend and brings her back to the house. Then when Mia gets home Rachel changes her into her pajamas and has her brush her teeth before she tucks her into bed.
She hears Puck’s truck pull up outside of the house while she’s sitting on the couch reading a book. She glances out the window to be sure that it’s him that’s there and after a few seconds she puts her bookmark into the book, places it down on the coffee table so she can stand up from the couch and find her place later. Making her way to the door she pushes her hair over her shoulders, opens the door and watches while Puck helps Mia down out of the truck. And once her tiny little feet hit the ground in her bright pink sneakers and she sees her mother a wide smile spreads across her little face.
“Mommy!” Mia runs towards the front steps and Rachel crouches down so she’s closer to her daughter’s height, smiles as her little arms wrap around her neck. She hugs her daughter close to her, kisses her temple, runs her hand over her ponytail. It’s the same thing that they do every single time she comes home.
“Hey, baby. Have fun with Daddy?”
Mia moves back a little when Rachel loosens her grip on her, nods a little which makes her ponytail bounce. “Uh-huh.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Rachel smiles at her, brushes her fingers against her daughter’s cheeks. “Why don’t you go upstairs, sweetheart? Pick out your pajamas for the night. Mommy will be upstairs to help you change into them soon.”
“Okay, Mommy.” Mia places a loud kiss against Rachel’s cheek and then dashes past her to run upstairs.
Standing up Rachel gives Puck a small smile as he walks up to her, holds Mia’s backpack out to her. She takes it from him, puts the strap on her own shoulder. She’ll just empty it out after Mia is tucked in. for a handful of seconds she just watches him standing there in his leather jacket and his work boots he wears almost all of the time. “Was she behaved this weekend?”
“Yeah. She’ll probably crash the second her head hits the pillow. Ran around like a maniac all day.” The edge of his mouth turns up slightly into a smile, like he’s really very amused by the fact that she was acting that way the whole weekend. It’s expected though. Mia has been a bundle of energy since the day she learned how to walk.”
Rachel smiles a little wider, feels rather amused by the way he’s talking about their little girl. She just stands there for a little while and looks at him, watches him and thinks about all of the things they’ve been through.
She thinks about the boy he was and the man he has become. She thinks about how he started out, how he was when she first met him. How he started out as this jerk of a guy. He threw kids into dumpsters, threw slushies in their faces; he would sleep with any girl that was willing- and any girl. He was rude and cocky and he wasn’t really the type of man that she could have ever imagined herself being with. He was attractive, very attractive, but that didn’t change that his attitude was off-putting. And then something had happened. It was glee club and being slushied himself; it was Beth and it was juvie but something inside of him had changed.
He turned into a better guy, he turned into a better friend. He was still cocky and he was still a jerk sometimes; he was still lazy and he still thought he was God’s gift to women, would sleep with whoever was willing. But it was more than that. He proved he could be a good boyfriend; he proved he could be a good friend. He had turned into someone that was just so much easier to care about. Even during moments when she didn’t know if she agreed with him she had to admit she liked him, she cared about him. Back then it wasn’t anything romantic really but she cared about him.
And then he changed even more. He had turned into someone that was somehow exactly like that boy who threw slushies at people- something she seemed to be his favorite target for- and yet nothing like him all at once. He had become a rather sweet guy for the most part. He wore the same mask most of the time, let the world see the mask, the wall more than anything. But he didn’t wear the mask for her or their little girl. He became someone she had been proud to date, someone who was a really good father to their little girl. And he was a good boyfriend. They hadn’t broken up because he sucked at it or anything of the sort. He worked to give himself a life; he worked so he wouldn’t become his father. He still had his pool cleaning business but it was more legitimate this time. He mostly just ran it and had people working for him. They cleaned pools in the area, cleaned ones at hotels, at gyms in the area. They worked on repairing filtration systems, sold supplies for people to clean their own pools if they wanted to. He did rather well for himself considering their senior year of high school he was sure his life would be in shambles when he got older. And maybe he worked that hard for himself, maybe he did it for Mia. It didn’t matter, she supposed. What mattered was that he had worked hard to change his life.
After a moment she shook herself out of her deep though, cleared her throat as her smile started to change into a sort of shy one. It isn’t the first time that she had ever gone into deep thought while talking to him. He never seems to mind. It seems like he’s use to her and the way she acts by then. “Well,” she starts as she hikes the backpack up higher on her shoulder. “I’ll drop Mia off on Friday.”
“Rach…”
“Hmm?” Rachel arches both of her dark eyebrows at him, his eyes meeting hers. Sometimes, even after all the time they’ve spent apart, she has to admit that there are moments when their eyes meet and it feels like they’re still together, when it makes her feel the exact same way as she felt before they decided that going their separate ways. His eyes can still make her feel like she’s melting into a puddle on the floor. Sometimes she has to actively force herself not to feel that way though she supposes it’s natural. Love doesn’t go away that easily. And they have a child together. They’re forever intertwined.
“I was thinking…Mia has the week off next week. So, I was wondering…you know how much Mia loves when we do things as a family. So, I thought maybe we could go to the shore or something. Stay at the house your dads bought for family vacations and stuff. She just seems like she could use some family time, y’know? If you can’t or don’t want to, that’s fine. I just thought I’d suggest it.”
“No, no.” Rachel lifts up one hand rather quickly and waves it a little to wave off the idea that she wouldn’t want to have them get the chance to be a family for a little bit, just for their daughter of course. It should definitely work for her. The advantage of working for the school system is that when her daughter has time off so does she. The only question would be whether or not Noah would be able to get the time off. He may be the boss but that doesn’t always mean he can come and go as he pleases. “No, we can go. I think it’d be nice to get out of here for a little while. But can you take the time off?”
“Yeah, I can take the time off. Not a problem. Plus side of being the boss.” The edge of Noah’s mouth turns up into a smile, the same sort of cocky smile he used to let spread across his face when they were back in high school. “So, if you want we can meet up on Friday and head down. Take your car, I guess. The truck isn’t really the best to drive all three of us down there.”
“No, that works for me.” Rachel lets another smile spread across her face and takes two steps closer to her, stands up on the tips of her toes to press a kiss to his cheek. “Mia and I will see you on Friday. I’ll make sure she’s all packed.”
“Yeah, okay.” Puck lets his gaze linger on her for a little while, their daughter’s question dancing around in his head before he lifts up a hand and sort of waves to her to tell her goodbye. “See you Friday, Rach.” He steps back from the front steps and back to his truck, Rachel’s eyes on him the entire time that he’s moving. She waits until he climbs up into the truck to leave before she heads back inside. Sometimes she can’t stop herself from watching him; sometimes she can’t help herself from wondering how things would be if they were still together.
She locks the door behind her and heads upstairs to her daughter’s room. Mia is standing there still pulling on her pajamas. Most of the time she waits for Rachel in case she might need help but sometimes she decides to take matters into her own hand. Rachel puts Mia’s backpack down and watches her for a few seconds, this tiny smile curving up the corner of her mouth. “Come on, pumpkin,” she says while she motions slightly for her daughter to head into the bathroom once her pajamas are on.
Mia dutifully takes her pajamas in her hands and puts them in the hamper before running into the bathroom. They follow their usual nighttime routine when it comes to getting Mia ready for bed. Rachel lifts up her daughter and puts her on the stool in front of the sink. Mia brushes her teeth while Rachel brushes out her hair so she can braid it. If she braids her hair it’s a lot better for when she has to take her bath in the morning. The fewer knots they have to comb through while getting her ready for school the better. She brushes her fingers through her little girl’s hair and braids the long strands. Braided her hair reaches almost her lower back. Noah keeps wondering why they don’t cut it but Mia seems to like it just the way it is.
Mia washes her face and Rachel takes her down off of the little stool, leads her back to her bedroom and tucks her into bed. Some nights she reads to her but she only does it when Mia asks. And she doesn’t always ask. So Rachel just tucks the sheets around her little girl, presses a kiss to her forehead and runs her hand over her daughter’s soft, soft hair. “I love you, sweetheart.” She runs her hand over her hair again and just as she’s going to leave her daughter puts one tiny hand on her arm to stop her. Rachel looks back down at her, gives her a tiny bit of a smile. “What is it, baby? Did you need something?”
“I wanna ask you something, Mommy.”
“Sure, baby. Go ahead. You can ask me anything.”
“Do you love Daddy?”
“Oh.” Rachel blinks her eyes rather rapidly at her little girl. She can’t say that she expected that question of all the questions her daughter could have asked her in that moment. And she could have asked her a million different things. Mia has always been rather inquisitive by nature. Inquisitive and vivacious. But she’s never questioned where things stood between herself and Noah. She never seemed to want to ask, to need to ask. She always just seemed to accept her family situation exactly as it is. And she hadn’t prepared herself for that question. She knew it would come one day but she thought she had time before she would have to answer a question like that. She thought she’d have time to gather her thoughts when it came to how she felt about Noah before she would have to explain anything to their little girl.
“Yeah, baby,” she admits after a moment, a flicker of a smile spreading across her face. “Yeah, I love your Daddy. Mommy loves Daddy very much.”
“Then why aren’t you married?”
“Oh, Mia…” Trailing off Rachel sighs. She knew that her daughter would wonder about that one day. She wondered when she was little why her fathers weren’t married. She didn’t think it made any sense. They cared about each other, loved each other, lived like a married couple. She never understood why they weren’t married. She understood even less why they weren’t allowed to get married. It makes sense that she might wonder why her parents weren’t married, why they hadn’t ever been married. Especially since most of her friends had parents who were, in fact, married. Any child would wonder why their family wasn’t really like everyone else’s if they had what wasn’t considered a conventional family dynamic.
“Not all mommies and daddies get married,” she tries to explain to her daughter though she isn’t sure that someone of her age is mature enough to understand that. Yes, some children that age are much more mature than others. And her daughter is slightly more advanced than a lot of girls her age but that still doesn’t mean that she’s going to understand what her mother is trying to tell her. There’s a definite chance that all Rachel is going to do is confuse her.
“But…why?”
Sighing Rachel takes her daughter’s hand in hers, squeezes down a little bit like it will make her calm down, it will make her feel better about what she’s saying. It’s hard though to decide how she should answer her daughter. She doesn’t know how much she can tell her. She’s too young to understand a lot of the finer details of adult relationships. So she has to find a way to explain it all to her without going into some of the more difficult to explain - and understand- aspects of why she and Noah are no longer together. “Sometimes, baby? You can love someone and things just don’t work. Sometimes it’s hard to get along. And instead of being together and fighting all of the time? It’s better just to not be together.” She brushes her fingers over her daughter’s hair, smiles just a little bit. “Your daddy and I care about each other very much, sweetie. And we love you. And that’s what matters. So don’t worry so much about it. Just because we’re not together it doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other and we don’t love you. We’re still a family, sweetheart.”
Mia’s mouth screws up at the corner as though she’s trying to decide whether or not she thinks that’s a satisfying answer and then, after a few seconds, she nods her head just a little bit though she doesn’t look entirely sure she likes the answer. Rachel doesn’t know what other answer to give her though so unfortunately that’s the one her little girl is stuck with. “Okay, Mommy,” she says though even though she doesn’t sound so sure. But she doesn’t continue asking her about it. Instead she just cuddles up underneath the covers.
Rachel smiles just a tiny bit as she leans down slightly, presses a kiss to her daughter’s forehead and then leaves the room, making sure the nightlight is on for her. Later that night she’ll empty out the backpack for her, will put the dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, tuck her finished homework into her backpack so she doesn’t accidentally leave it at home. And tomorrow she’ll start to prepare things for them all to go away for a little while. It should be a nice little change.
The house that her fathers bought is right on the beach. It’s somewhat a pain in the rear end when it comes to the whole tracking sand into the house but it’s really nice when it comes to having Mia around. She can run right out onto the beach and then run right back inside without having to go very far. It gives her a lot of time to play in the sand- and sometime in the ocean, when either Noah or herself goes in with her, of course. There’s no such thing as too safe when it comes to a child.
For now Rachel and Noah are both sitting underneath a beach umbrella on the blanket Rachel set out for them while they watch Mia playing in the sand. She had slept the entire time that they drove down to the beach. And then as soon as they got to the couch she basically hoped up and down until her mother helped her change into her little purple bathing suit so that they could all go out to the beach. Mia seems to be having far too much fun for her own good but Rachel likes to see her having fun. And it’s always nice to see her get out some of that excess energy.
The entire ride down had been rather quiet with Mia sleeping and all. And Rachel wasn’t really sure what she should even say to him given the fact that Mia’s question to her kept on playing through her head the entire ride. She wanted to say something to Noah, maybe play off the whole thing and make a joke out of it but she isn’t sure what to say about that even as they sit there and watch their daughter playing. How is she supposed to bring something like that up to him? It isn’t as though they don’t have a lot of strange history to deal with.
Most of all the more she thinks about it the more she isn’t sure anymore why they aren’t together. She knows why they broke up. She would have to be stupid not to know what made them breakup to begin with. But they aren’t really in the same place that they were back then. Not physically, of course, but also not emotionally. A lot has changed since they were together. And not just because they have a daughter together when they were only expecting one at the time of their breakup. It’s about who they are as people. That has changed quite a bit in the time since they broke up.
That doesn’t mean, however, that she thinks they’re suddenly going to get back together. It’s not because she doesn’t love him or anything. She wasn’t lying when she told Mia that she still loved Noah. Why wouldn’t she love him? Not only is he the father of her child but despite their differences he was a very good boyfriend. He made her feel beautiful when she felt particularly ugly that day. He always had faith in her, he always supported her. No matter what he was there for her even when they were just friends. All Noah ever did was try to be there for her, to support her.
Every so often she glances over at him. Watches his profile as it’s partially bathed in light, partially in shadow. She watches him as he watches their daughter, his strong jaw and his handsome face. Even now she sometimes feels that strange, thrilling pull in the pit of her stomach when she looks at him, the undeniable attraction that had made her agree to go out with him to begin with all of those years ago. Sometimes it makes her just want to crawl into his lap, snuggle up against him and let him hold her if nothing more. His arms have always given her comfort.
She doesn’t try to act on it though. She doesn’t try to do anything. As a matter-of-fact, for the first three days that they’re there she barely talks to him except for the friendliest of conversations that she can have with him. Their relationship has been friendly ever since they broke up which is why she has no problem being friendly with him just then. So she’s as friendly with him as she can be, plays with her daughters, watches both Noah and their daughter running around in the sand, splashing in the water. For a little while she can imagine that she’s basically in a real family. For a little while she can imagine that they’re really all one big happy family instead of the strange sort of fractured one that they are. And it’s not that she hates their family the way it is. It’s just nice to imagine them as a real one.
On the third night down there after Rachel has tucked their daughter into bed and Mia has gotten her father to read her a bedtime story the two of them sit down on the porch, Rachel drinking wine which she always used to think was pretentious but developed a taste for over the years, him drinking beer which was definitely more his style than wine could ever be. The sun has gone down, the moon casting a light on the ocean. It’s quiet, it’s calm. It’s one of the most relaxing moments she’s been able to have since she had Mia. As much as she loves her daughter she sometimes would like to have peace and quiet. And she gets that when Mia is staying at Noah’s house but it’s a little different than the peace she’s feeling just then.
Taking another sip from her wine she closes her eyes, relaxes in her seat. And as soon as she closes her eyes Noah looks at her. His eyes remain on her for a few moments, his gaze skipping over her face, down the line of her neck as her head tilts back just a little bit. She looks more at peace to him than she ever did in the city.
Before Mia was born she loved the city and Puck knew she did. He knew that she loved it there but he also knew she didn’t want to raise a baby in that type of a place. And he had to admit he agreed. Kids need more space, need fresher air. As boring as Lima was at least there wasn’t a huge concern when it came to crime, when it came to having such big classes that she was barely noticed. There were advantages and disadvantages to both types of areas, he supposed. But in the end he knew that Rachel made the choice she did because she thought it was what was best for their little girl.
But never in Manhattan had she seemed to be that at ease, that relaxed. Because Manhattan was insanely hectic most of the time. And because it was so hectic relaxation was quite difficult to fine. And yet there he is looking at her, her breathing even, her fingers holding the wine glass delicately as though she’s afraid she might snap the stem off with her fingers if she isn’t careful. She’s like something that stepped right out of a movie. And he wants to say something to her but he isn’t entirely sure what he should say, what there even is to say in that moment. So he doesn’t say anything yet. Instead he just reaches over and tucks a strand of her hair behind one of her ears.
Rachel opens her eyes to look over at him, this sort of curious look flickering across her face for a second before it fades away as he slowly smiles, shrugs his shoulders just a little bit. It’s like he’s telling her not to read too much into it, that he simply did what he did on an impulse and it doesn’t mean any more than that. But the truth is that he just couldn’t stop himself from touching her. he wasn’t about to push things and end up touching her in too intimate of a way since they’re no longer together but he still wanted to touch her. Just to say he brushed his fingers over her cheek again even if he never gets to do it again.
“Today was a good day,” she says as she turns her head, looks back out at the light the moon is casting over the water. The spots there the moonlight is hitting it happens to be uneasy, the water nowhere near quiet and settled or anything of the sort. It’s surprisingly relaxing despite the fact that she’s well aware that the water is very dangerous with the way the waves are moving. It would be a very bad idea for anyone to try to go out there and swim. Well, if they were to go too far out. But if they stay close enough to shore they should be rather safe. And a part of her is tempted to go into the water, feel the very, very cold water around her body. She hasn’t been drinking enough where that would be a problem either and she knows it. She just isn’t sure if she should attempt to swim any time soon.
As though Noah’s reading her mind he puts down his beer bottle and stands up from his seat on the porch, kicks his shoes off and starts walking down off of the porch towards the water. Rachel puts her own glass onto the table and stands up as she watches him move, her eyebrows furrowing as she moves towards the top step to watch him move. “Noah?” she calls out to him. “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” he asks as he turns back to her, his mouth curving into an almost smirk while he looks at her. She takes one step down so that her feet hit the sand, grains of it sliding under her feet so they’re trapped between her toes and the flip-flops. “I’m going swimming.” She starts to open her mouth to respond as he tugs his shirt off, tosses it down onto the sand. Her breath sort of catches in her throat for a moment because it’s been so long since she’s seen him without his shirt in any setting where it was just the two of them. The only other times were when they took their little girl swimming and that was different. That was when he was playing with his little girl.
“That water has to be freezing,” she warns him as he walks backwards towards the water, as she walks towards him, follows after him as though she can stop him even though she knows that she can’t. When Noah has his mind set on something then he does it no matter what she says to him. He’s just as stubborn as she is. “And the tide can be hazardous.”
“I can handle the cold,” he assures her as he steps closer to the water. “And it’s only dangerous if I go too far out. I’m a lot smarter than you think, Rach.” That same smirk remains on his face as he stops near the water, reaches down to undo the button and the zipper of his jeans and then pushes them down, steps out of them and sort of kicks them aside. And then, without another word, he steps backwards into the water. His body shivers just a little bit as the water hits him but he just keeps backing up into the water.
Rachel moves towards him and takes his pants in her hands, moves them back a bit so that when the waves come in they won’t hit his jeans and get them wet. Jeans are made from such light material that there’s a very good chance the ocean’s waves could take ahold of them and drag them out to sea. “You’re crazy, Noah.”
He laughs as he ducks under the water so that his entire body is wet. “You know you wanna come out with me,” he tells her. “You know this looks like a shit ton of fun.”
Rachel can’t deny that she sort of wants to know how it feels to be out there in the water, wants to throw caution to the wind for a moment but at the same time she isn’t entirely sure she wants to head out there into the water with him. So instead she just stands there and watches him, folds her arms over her chest as she looks at him. “You know, if you end up drowning I’m never going to forgive you. And I don’t think Mia will either.”
“I’m not going to drown.” He rolls his eyes at her and smiles despite himself. He just continues to watch her as he’s in the water, just watches her as she stands there and seems to wait to see what he’s going to do. It’s not until she bites down on her bottom lip in contemplation that he knows he’s wearing her down. “Just go swimming with me, Rach. Have a little fun. Live a little. We don’t get to do this very often, do we? Either of us. Act like adults instead of like parents. We only get to stop being parents while she’s asleep. So come out and have some fun with me.”
Rachel isn’t entirely sure it’s a good idea but it’s a little too tempting in that moment not to do just that, to go out into the ocean with him. She knows it could be a bad idea but that doesn’t mean she’s going to back down. She can’t back down. She knows that it would feel nice to live a little bit. So she sighs heavily, sort of gives him a withering look before she reaches over to her side and undoes the zipper of her dress, slips her arms out of the sleeves and lets her dress slide off of her body and down to the sand near his pants. She considers taking off her bra for a moment but thinks better of it. Being mostly naked around her is a bad idea.
With her dress on the sand she makes her way towards the water. When it hits her toes she flinches back a little bit, the water being much colder than she had originally thought that it would be. He laughs at her a little bit like he’s just waiting for her to back down and then she gives him a defiant look and steps into the water. As it rushes around her body she takes a sharp breath, holds it as she tries to get her body to adjust to the way it feels around her.
Noah watches her for a few moments and then, once she seems to be adjusting to the feeling of the water around her, he swipes his hand across the water. The cold water hits her face and she sputters at him, splashes back at him the best that she can but then, after a moment, she dips down into the water so that it’s over her head, her hair getting wet and when she comes back up strands of her hair stick to her face. The moonlight doesn’t do too much to illuminate the world but it’s enough for her to see his face. He’s watching her, watching her rather intently.
“Mia asked me a question the other night. Before I brought her back to your house,” he says after a moment.
“Yeah? She’s rather inquisitive.” Mia is always asking questions so she can’t say that she’s entirely surprised by that statement. She knows that her daughter asks the both of them all sort of questions. She always wants to know things she might not necessarily need to know but can’t help to want to know. She’s just like Rachel in that regard. Always wanting to know things.
“Yeah.” He swims a little closer to her, carefully picks the strands of hair off of her face and tucks them behind her ears as she watches him in a sort of inquisitive way. “She was asking me why we aren’t together. I guess she’s kinda confused about it, y’know? Most of her friends have parents that are together and shit. Or parents who don’t really spend time together the way that we do. Guess it’s natural she has questions.”
“She asked me the same thing,” Rachel admits as she watches him, his fingers brushing against her cheek feeling really, really nice.
“Funny thing? I couldn’t really give her an answer that really seemed, y’know, like a good answer,” he tells her while his fingers linger on her cheek. Rachel opens her mouth as if to say something to him but doesn’t know what to say. She could admit she’s been wondering the same thing as Mia lately but it seems to be straying into dangerous territory. Just because he couldn’t give their daughter a good answer doesn’t mean that he thinks they should get back together. That isn’t even close to what he had just told her. So she closes her mouth and just meets his eyes, watches him as she waits for him to continue talking.
He doesn’t continue talking though. He just lets his fingers linger on her face for a little while, keeps his eyes locked with hers and then he tilts his head just a little bit to the side and slants his mouth down over hers. For a moment she sort of holds her breath. She hasn’t kissed him in so long that for a moment it steals the breath out of her, makes her unsure of what she should do in response. And then when his tongue brushes against her bottom lip she sort of melts into the kiss, her mouth opening so he tongue can touch his, her arms slipping up to wrap around his neck. Her body presses up against his in the water, his arms going around her waist. The two of them just floating there in the water.
His fingers tangle in her hair and she whimpers into his mouth, the water shifting around them as they stay like that for a long, long while. Time sort of feels like its staying still in that moment and she has to admit that she likes it, she’s getting lost in it. She almost forgot how wonderful it felt to kiss him, to kiss any man, to be wrapped up in a person. Ever since she had Mia she hasn’t really dated much. She never really saw the point. She was a young mother and a lot of guys don’t tend to like a child in the mix when they’re dating a woman. And the truth is that she really never did stop loving Noah. She thinks she will always love Noah.
They don’t really talk about it when they slowly make their way towards the shore, their mouths barely parting the entire time they move. But when they’re close enough to the shore he separates from her he takes her hand in his. There’s sort of an unspoken conversation between them as he leads her back towards the house, stops to pick up her clothes in his wet hands. He just leads her back to the house, leaves their shoes where they are, leads her right to the bedroom she’s been staying in, drops their clothes to the floor, kicks the door shut and then his arms go back around her, his mouth slanting back down over hers.
They fall into the bed together, his hands on her body, undoing the clasp of her bra, shimming her underwear down her hips. His mouth touches her, goes over her skin, kisses every part of her. He kisses her breasts almost as though he feels completely and totally honored that she would let him see her that way again. His mouth goes over her stomach, her hips, between her legs. It’s the first time in years she’s felt that on fire while being around another person, like her blood is literally dancing in flames.
For the first time in over five years she gives herself over to someone that night. He sinks inside of her and makes her feel complete, makes her feel whole. His breath is warm on her face, his hands gripping her like if he lets her go she’s going to disappear from view, his hips meeting hers with each thrust, each movement of their bodies. The sound of his breathing, the sound of his sort of groans, the sounds of her moans, the way his name slips past her lips fill the room, the way their bodies start to get slick with sweat is like some strange fantasy, their bodies bathed in the pale moonlight slipping through the window.
When they’re done they lay there on the bed, their limbs wrapped up in each other, one of her legs in-between his. He keeps brushing his fingers through her hair, the strands slightly stiff from the saltwater of the ocean. For a little while she can actually feel like they’re a normal family, just two parents with their kid sleeping down the hall stealing a moment or two of privacy before they have to go back to playing mommy and daddy again. Slipping a hand beneath her chin he tilts her face up, bites down slightly on his bottom lip so she whimpers slightly.
“You know I always loved you, right?” he questions her in the otherwise quiet room, his voice sounding loud despite the fact that he’s whispering.
“I love you, too,” she whispers back to him, her eyes sliding closed as his fingers go back to her hair, start to sift through the strands again.
“Then why aren’t we together?”
“You know why.”
“I know why we weren’t together then, Rach. But why not now? Babe, shit is good. Shit is really good. With Mia. With us. We have that amazing little girl down the hall and we get along really fucking well. I love you. You love me. And the sex is still fucking awesome.” She lets out a startled laugh that makes the corners of his mouth turn up even though he can’t see it. “So, why aren’t we back together? Why don’t we try to this shit again? Try to be together. Try to be a family and stuff, y’know? I mean, we’re more like a family than some people that are married. So why don’t we try this again? Why don’t we try to be real parents for our little girl? Why don’t we try this again for us even? Face it, Rach- no one is gonna love you more than I do. And no one is gonna love me more than you love me. And there’s sure as shit never gonna be anyone who loves that little girl more than either of us do.”
She opens her eyes just a little bit as she looks up at him from under her eyelashes. She watches him for a few seconds, thinks about how she has this warmth swirling around inside of her from being so close to him, how nice it feels lying there in his arms but there’s also uneasiness swirling around inside of her because if they try things again and they go bad it could hurt their little girl. “What makes you think we’re going to work out this time? What makes you think things are going to be alright with us? We already tried this once. And as satisfying as our sex life is that doesn’t mean that we make a good couple.”
“We got nothing to lose and everything we could gain, babe. This could be the chance we have to be happy. With each other.”
Closing her eyes again she snuggles closer to him in the bed, the sheets still damp beneath their bodies but starting to dry off a little bit. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I think I am.” Tilting his head down just a little bit he places a kiss to the top of her head.
The kiss makes her entire body relaxes and the corners of her mouth turn up slightly into a smile. “Alright,” she says after a moment. “We can try this again. But if it doesn’t work? We have to figure out a way make things work for Mia. We can’t let her suffer. And we can’t let her know. Not right away. She’ll expect too much.”
“You got yourself a deal, babe,” he murmurs against the top of her head, sleepiness already starting to make him feel like he’s going to fall asleep. But he just lays there with his arms wrapped around her until he hears her breathing even out and sees her lying there asleep in his arms.
Maybe things won’t work between them but it’s worth a try. Not just for them but for their daughter. And it’s definitely worth a try. They can’t really do anything but try. And with the knowledge in his head that they’re going to try it again? Sleep slowly takes him over. And for the first time in a long while he has a dreamless sleep.