update
short entry
not really feeling so hot today
christmas was good... different but good. Drew's fam is very accepting and loving. (well... his mom is a bit much to take but eh... could be worse). friday left work- went to lexington dropped off a christmas wreath for the Hackney Fam. saw Drew for a few moments then on i went to asheboro to pick up michael and meet kev to give him his stuff then on to Amherst, VA 3 hr trip from there) Saturday was ok... did some stuff for g-mommie talked a lot, took some pics... Saturday stopped by kev's granparents on our way back to mochael's. dropped off michael and went on to Drew's in Lexington... Ate at Zaxby's christmas eve mmmm good stuff! talked w/ claire, phillip, john and kelly. ...drew wasn't feeling too well and had me oh so worried... :'( went to bed about 12:30am or so woke up around 3am ... well was woken up about 3am finally went back to sleep... woke up and went and sat w/ claire at 9am until Drew and everyone else managed to crawl over there... even managed to get in a shower before they got in there!
Went to Badin Lake to see kev and his family....
made sure to leave right after i ate...
Back to lexington about the time heather was getting there. for some reason things have gotten a bit uncomfortable for me around her and i'm not sure why. she seems to fine and he says there is nothing between them like that anymore... i mean geez he does talk to me a whole lot for him to really have time to .... anyway! i always have my suspicions and i know i shouldn't but this one i just can't shake *sigh* it doesn't matter, right? cause we're not dating...?
i hate how the cursor quivers... so annoying.
anyway... so things w/ me are ok. i guess. my heart is pumping out the love and i'm not sure if it's ok or not for it to not be directed at just one person. my love knows no bounderies... i love so much, so purely so passionatly.
all i ever want is the truth... for people to be honest w/ me. don't feed me lies... not even little white lies. it may be easier to say something else or to just not say it at all... but trust me if you don't tell me the truth... some how some way i will find out and it wont be pretty... i can promise that.
if you have lied... fine - just come clean and say it. whatever it may be. Lying by omission is still lying.
ok that was odd i went from christmas to a rant...
so yea monday is the last day to talk about...
monday... woke up to lovely txt msgs :-] crawled out of bed made coffee took a shower drank coffee and smoked while talking to Claire. then drove to see my brother michael in asheboro. left there went to lexington to go to the dentist w/ drew, read a txt msg i prolly shouldn't have, came back to his house then went to pick brian up from work. went to mcdonalds. went to hanes mall for hackney kids family portrait. walked around Hanes mall for the first time ever. was told "if you walk into victorias secret holding my hand that means your my girlfriend" so i took his hand... looked at pics when they were finished. went back to lexington. met up w/ someone. went back to the hackney house. chilled for a bit. almost cried when i had to say i wasn't ready for "us" yet... almost cried when he said he wasn't either... :-/ ... drove back to boone/blowing rock. started feeling bad about reading the txt msg so i msged him and asked about it... didn't get a response related to that msg... so now i sit here today sick and not sure if the guilt from that has anything to do with it.
why can't just leave well enough alone... i have to be so nosey :( and end up hurting others AND myself.
ignore that... just ignore the rant please
ok maybe not the shortest entry ;)
****
2.5 hrs- jumbled thoughts
be forwarned it's like a heart sick 10th grader wrote this... or atleast it will seem it once i write it.
i could love you forever, if you let me. but would you could you love me back?
you could, no question there. all i want is honesty and the truth. no matter how painful it may seem. nothing hurts worse than knowing you were lied to. why can't i get off this kick. you appoligized already. there should be nothing more to say. but this isn't the first and just like the last it will take a little time to get through. the worst part is, i think, is that now i'm suspicious... and i hate that. i know i trust you. but do i? yes yes of course i do!! never doubt that! NEVER.
and now i feel stupid. for getting so upset. so here is one for the diary cause it's a bit embarressing how stressed and upset i get over something so stupid.
why is it so hard for me to just accept that i've found someone i can trust? that wont lie to me unless he thinks he is protecting me. which oddly enough feels so incredibly good.
i hated having to say "i'm not ready" i hated worse having to hear "me either"... i wanted to cry out that i was sorry that i didn't mean it but i did... i need to figure out who i am... but maybe this is me... someone who can't be alone and finds love whereever she goes? my god i love you... you must know this? you look at me and i just want to tell you everything... your eyes are so captivating, stinging to my core, yet warm and loving. you touch me so light and tender and then passionately. i love the way your goofy. and how you don't care if you laugh at me instead of with me :) i love how you just know... and you make me say what it is that is bothering me right then. we missed a few along the way and now i wish i hadn't let you give up trying to figure out what it was.
not really feeling so hot today
christmas was good... different but good. Drew's fam is very accepting and loving. (well... his mom is a bit much to take but eh... could be worse). friday left work- went to lexington dropped off a christmas wreath for the Hackney Fam. saw Drew for a few moments then on i went to asheboro to pick up michael and meet kev to give him his stuff then on to Amherst, VA 3 hr trip from there) Saturday was ok... did some stuff for g-mommie talked a lot, took some pics... Saturday stopped by kev's granparents on our way back to mochael's. dropped off michael and went on to Drew's in Lexington... Ate at Zaxby's christmas eve mmmm good stuff! talked w/ claire, phillip, john and kelly. ...drew wasn't feeling too well and had me oh so worried... :'( went to bed about 12:30am or so woke up around 3am ... well was woken up about 3am finally went back to sleep... woke up and went and sat w/ claire at 9am until Drew and everyone else managed to crawl over there... even managed to get in a shower before they got in there!
Went to Badin Lake to see kev and his family....
made sure to leave right after i ate...
Back to lexington about the time heather was getting there. for some reason things have gotten a bit uncomfortable for me around her and i'm not sure why. she seems to fine and he says there is nothing between them like that anymore... i mean geez he does talk to me a whole lot for him to really have time to .... anyway! i always have my suspicions and i know i shouldn't but this one i just can't shake *sigh* it doesn't matter, right? cause we're not dating...?
i hate how the cursor quivers... so annoying.
anyway... so things w/ me are ok. i guess. my heart is pumping out the love and i'm not sure if it's ok or not for it to not be directed at just one person. my love knows no bounderies... i love so much, so purely so passionatly.
all i ever want is the truth... for people to be honest w/ me. don't feed me lies... not even little white lies. it may be easier to say something else or to just not say it at all... but trust me if you don't tell me the truth... some how some way i will find out and it wont be pretty... i can promise that.
if you have lied... fine - just come clean and say it. whatever it may be. Lying by omission is still lying.
ok that was odd i went from christmas to a rant...
so yea monday is the last day to talk about...
monday... woke up to lovely txt msgs :-] crawled out of bed made coffee took a shower drank coffee and smoked while talking to Claire. then drove to see my brother michael in asheboro. left there went to lexington to go to the dentist w/ drew, read a txt msg i prolly shouldn't have, came back to his house then went to pick brian up from work. went to mcdonalds. went to hanes mall for hackney kids family portrait. walked around Hanes mall for the first time ever. was told "if you walk into victorias secret holding my hand that means your my girlfriend" so i took his hand... looked at pics when they were finished. went back to lexington. met up w/ someone. went back to the hackney house. chilled for a bit. almost cried when i had to say i wasn't ready for "us" yet... almost cried when he said he wasn't either... :-/ ... drove back to boone/blowing rock. started feeling bad about reading the txt msg so i msged him and asked about it... didn't get a response related to that msg... so now i sit here today sick and not sure if the guilt from that has anything to do with it.
why can't just leave well enough alone... i have to be so nosey :( and end up hurting others AND myself.
ignore that... just ignore the rant please
ok maybe not the shortest entry ;)
****
2.5 hrs- jumbled thoughts
be forwarned it's like a heart sick 10th grader wrote this... or atleast it will seem it once i write it.
i could love you forever, if you let me. but would you could you love me back?
you could, no question there. all i want is honesty and the truth. no matter how painful it may seem. nothing hurts worse than knowing you were lied to. why can't i get off this kick. you appoligized already. there should be nothing more to say. but this isn't the first and just like the last it will take a little time to get through. the worst part is, i think, is that now i'm suspicious... and i hate that. i know i trust you. but do i? yes yes of course i do!! never doubt that! NEVER.
and now i feel stupid. for getting so upset. so here is one for the diary cause it's a bit embarressing how stressed and upset i get over something so stupid.
why is it so hard for me to just accept that i've found someone i can trust? that wont lie to me unless he thinks he is protecting me. which oddly enough feels so incredibly good.
i hated having to say "i'm not ready" i hated worse having to hear "me either"... i wanted to cry out that i was sorry that i didn't mean it but i did... i need to figure out who i am... but maybe this is me... someone who can't be alone and finds love whereever she goes? my god i love you... you must know this? you look at me and i just want to tell you everything... your eyes are so captivating, stinging to my core, yet warm and loving. you touch me so light and tender and then passionately. i love the way your goofy. and how you don't care if you laugh at me instead of with me :) i love how you just know... and you make me say what it is that is bothering me right then. we missed a few along the way and now i wish i hadn't let you give up trying to figure out what it was.