you are the light of the world
So, last night, I completely broke down.
Every summer I have this thing where I cannot sleep, despite the fact that I am always exhausted from a combination of babysitting and Summer Theatre. I end up reading until 2 in the morning, and even after that I lie awake. It is very frustrating, and last night, I broke down.
I feel like part of myself died. I've become a reclusive shell of my old self, filled up with the things I could only share with one person. And now that I've lost them, I have to hold it all in. I think I've been holding it all in since April 15th.
So last night, after a weird rehearsal during which I was in a really weird mood, I came home, got ready for bed and what not, and started to write in my journal. Not for anyone to read, but just to see if it made me feel better.
Well, as I wrote, I completely broke down. I was sobbing for about an hour. I cry so infrequently that I could probably list to you the exact times I've cried in the past year. But last night, everything just came out. And for once, instead of feeling even worse about myself, or feeling weak, I felt a little better. And during my sob-fest, I thought of all the things I want to say to my lost best friend. And I thought of a way to finally make the conversation happen, and last night, at 2 in the morning, it seemed like a marvelous idea.
Now, it doesn't sound so hot.
Is it weird that I was so completely attached to this friendship?
No, I don't think it is. She was my best friend for almost 3 years; we went through a lot together.
She was the one person I could share everything with. She never judged me, and a lot of times she could relate to what I was saying.
And I was always there for her, to listen and listen until she couldn't talk anymore.
I really want that back.
I want another weekend spent in Hershey, PA.
I want the day after we got back from Hershey again.
It's not as if she was the only friend I felt I could confide my thoughts to. There is also Danit, who has that fabulous quality of never judging people. But for some reason, there were always a few things that I could only share with that one friend. And they were always the big things, the things that would eat away at me if I held it all in or pushed it to the back of my mind.
So now I'm filled with all of that, and desperate to tell her that I miss her, and I meant every word I said in that letter, and her not answering it sort of proves to me that I really have lost her.
There's so much I want to say, and I'm too cowardly to actually say any of it.
Maybe tonight...
Every summer I have this thing where I cannot sleep, despite the fact that I am always exhausted from a combination of babysitting and Summer Theatre. I end up reading until 2 in the morning, and even after that I lie awake. It is very frustrating, and last night, I broke down.
I feel like part of myself died. I've become a reclusive shell of my old self, filled up with the things I could only share with one person. And now that I've lost them, I have to hold it all in. I think I've been holding it all in since April 15th.
So last night, after a weird rehearsal during which I was in a really weird mood, I came home, got ready for bed and what not, and started to write in my journal. Not for anyone to read, but just to see if it made me feel better.
Well, as I wrote, I completely broke down. I was sobbing for about an hour. I cry so infrequently that I could probably list to you the exact times I've cried in the past year. But last night, everything just came out. And for once, instead of feeling even worse about myself, or feeling weak, I felt a little better. And during my sob-fest, I thought of all the things I want to say to my lost best friend. And I thought of a way to finally make the conversation happen, and last night, at 2 in the morning, it seemed like a marvelous idea.
Now, it doesn't sound so hot.
Is it weird that I was so completely attached to this friendship?
No, I don't think it is. She was my best friend for almost 3 years; we went through a lot together.
She was the one person I could share everything with. She never judged me, and a lot of times she could relate to what I was saying.
And I was always there for her, to listen and listen until she couldn't talk anymore.
I really want that back.
I want another weekend spent in Hershey, PA.
I want the day after we got back from Hershey again.
It's not as if she was the only friend I felt I could confide my thoughts to. There is also Danit, who has that fabulous quality of never judging people. But for some reason, there were always a few things that I could only share with that one friend. And they were always the big things, the things that would eat away at me if I held it all in or pushed it to the back of my mind.
So now I'm filled with all of that, and desperate to tell her that I miss her, and I meant every word I said in that letter, and her not answering it sort of proves to me that I really have lost her.
There's so much I want to say, and I'm too cowardly to actually say any of it.
Maybe tonight...