Fic: Tom, don't read this. Or: Rebooting the Booty Call.
Seriously, brother of mine, it will kill your childhood. It's trying to kill mine.
What if J’onn J'onzz were Rebooted a la Starfire?
Airawyn's been annoyed/pissed by the recent developments in the new Red Hood & The Outlaws all week. I'm getting vicariously annoyed, because I've only seen the panels that most gratuitously exploit Starfire. Then I read more than a few columns about it. Also about Catwoman #1. Anyway. I don't do debate. This has been established. I do fic. I don't expect this to change anyone's mind about why the new DC depictions of women kind of suck. And frankly, I'm more than a little disturbed by where my brain had to go to write this. It makes me wonder about the writers of those books. A lot. I tried to keep it funny, but if you're not sure if it's okay to laugh, that's fine. I'm not sure either.
I should add: I like J'onn. Which makes me wonder if those writers even like Starfire. All DC characters belong to themselves, but I'm sad they belong to the writers who apparently have them now.
Reboot the Booty Call
[A panel of J’onn is shown, stretched out on a bed, wearing only a very tiny spandex g-string, with spangles. It’s impressive. The artist has put loving detail into his abs. And lower parts. And the dark hopelessness of his eyes.]
Lois: [from off-panel] Well, that was fun. Let yourself out. And don’t leave anything here and claim you forgot it...
[She walks in, wearing a stunning dark red business suit; sexy yet mature, and not showing any skin. She smiles; it’s a very superior smile.]
Lois: ...it was funny the first time, and I know you don’t remember things well, but if you do it again, I’m just mailing stuff back.
J’onn: [gazes hopefully at Lois] Don’t you want to cuddle? Or maybe I could make you breakfast.
Lois: Places to be, people to interview, Supes to stalk. Bye, J’onn.
[The panel focuses on his disappointed, sad look as she shuts the door.]
[Next page: J’onn on a rooftop with Catwoman. Clearly, she is doing the same things to him that she did with Batman in Catwoman #1. J’onn wears a look of sweet concern and concentration, petting her as they, ahem, have fun. Then:]
Catwoman: BATMAN, YES!
J’onn: *sighs* {morphs into Batman}
Catwoman: (Thanks, J’onn. You know what I like.) … oh oh oh yes, BATMAN!
[Five minutes later, another frame:]
J’onn: Don’t you want to hang out?
Catwoman: Honey, we both know you won’t remember me tomorrow. Why prolong the inevitable? And it’s not like I’d be with you if you were going to, you know. Want a commitment.
J’onn: I was just thinking of maybe getting some food...
Catwoman: That’s sweet. Gotta rush, though. Bye!
[J’onn has a single tear roll down his face as he watches her leave.]
[In the next frame, the tear is gone, and he only looks vaguely puzzled.
His phone beeps. Caller ID shows the name “Vixen.” ]
[Panel: J’onn and Vixen, against a wall. Clothing is artfully draped, but there’s a lot of skin showing: nearly all of it J’onn’s. Vixen is blocked by his body and that artful draping.]
Vixen: … I always want a cigarette, after.
J’onn: Was I supposed to bring you one?
Vixen: *laughs, pats his cheek* Sweetheart, no. I don’t expect that much from you. That brain thing you’ve got going... well, we both know I’m only with you because you won’t remember enough to give it away to John.
J’onn: My name is J’onn.
Vixen: Different John, baby. And you won’t remember who he is later. Or recognize him when you see him. You, babe, are the perfect one-night stand.
J’onn: ….thank you?
Vixen: You are *so* welcome. I’m so glad Huntress gave me your number, baby.
J’onn: Who?
Vixen: Exactly. [Steps behind him in this panel, re-arranges clothing, steps back fully clothed in skin-tight but sleek catsuit; J’onn is left with his pants around his ankles.]
J’onn: You know I want love and respect. I’m a person. I’m a Martian, but I have feelings! Needs! I’m lonely! I’m the only one of my kind! Human women are soft and alluring, but you’re not enough, none of you are....
Vixen :[Waits patiently, eyes rolling]
J’onn: Who are you again?
Vixen: Nobody you know, sweetie. Your fly’s undone. [Sashays away. J’onn looks confused and pulls up his tights.]
[Next page: J’onn. On a rooftop. The wind is blowing his cape behind him. Rippling his skin-tight and skin-revealing outfit against him. There’s a V-bandolero pointing to his groin. He looks sad.
A crowd of women across the street are staring at him from an office window, taking pictures. ]
J’onn’s thoughts: My planet died. My wife died. I can remember her. But I can’t remember the people here as individuals. They aren’t telepaths, they can’t understand... and I try to make connections, try to feel something, and yet...
*click* *photo-light* *flash*
J: … it all seems to elude me. I don’t even know how many women I’ve been with, trying to find some solace....
*woo-hoos and whistles from across the street*
J: ...but I can hope that someday, maybe, I’ll find someone memorable to me.
That’s it. J’onn needs a hug and a nice person. Starfire needs a lawyer.
What if J’onn J'onzz were Rebooted a la Starfire?
Airawyn's been annoyed/pissed by the recent developments in the new Red Hood & The Outlaws all week. I'm getting vicariously annoyed, because I've only seen the panels that most gratuitously exploit Starfire. Then I read more than a few columns about it. Also about Catwoman #1. Anyway. I don't do debate. This has been established. I do fic. I don't expect this to change anyone's mind about why the new DC depictions of women kind of suck. And frankly, I'm more than a little disturbed by where my brain had to go to write this. It makes me wonder about the writers of those books. A lot. I tried to keep it funny, but if you're not sure if it's okay to laugh, that's fine. I'm not sure either.
I should add: I like J'onn. Which makes me wonder if those writers even like Starfire. All DC characters belong to themselves, but I'm sad they belong to the writers who apparently have them now.
Reboot the Booty Call
[A panel of J’onn is shown, stretched out on a bed, wearing only a very tiny spandex g-string, with spangles. It’s impressive. The artist has put loving detail into his abs. And lower parts. And the dark hopelessness of his eyes.]
Lois: [from off-panel] Well, that was fun. Let yourself out. And don’t leave anything here and claim you forgot it...
[She walks in, wearing a stunning dark red business suit; sexy yet mature, and not showing any skin. She smiles; it’s a very superior smile.]
Lois: ...it was funny the first time, and I know you don’t remember things well, but if you do it again, I’m just mailing stuff back.
J’onn: [gazes hopefully at Lois] Don’t you want to cuddle? Or maybe I could make you breakfast.
Lois: Places to be, people to interview, Supes to stalk. Bye, J’onn.
[The panel focuses on his disappointed, sad look as she shuts the door.]
[Next page: J’onn on a rooftop with Catwoman. Clearly, she is doing the same things to him that she did with Batman in Catwoman #1. J’onn wears a look of sweet concern and concentration, petting her as they, ahem, have fun. Then:]
Catwoman: BATMAN, YES!
J’onn: *sighs* {morphs into Batman}
Catwoman: (Thanks, J’onn. You know what I like.) … oh oh oh yes, BATMAN!
[Five minutes later, another frame:]
J’onn: Don’t you want to hang out?
Catwoman: Honey, we both know you won’t remember me tomorrow. Why prolong the inevitable? And it’s not like I’d be with you if you were going to, you know. Want a commitment.
J’onn: I was just thinking of maybe getting some food...
Catwoman: That’s sweet. Gotta rush, though. Bye!
[J’onn has a single tear roll down his face as he watches her leave.]
[In the next frame, the tear is gone, and he only looks vaguely puzzled.
His phone beeps. Caller ID shows the name “Vixen.” ]
[Panel: J’onn and Vixen, against a wall. Clothing is artfully draped, but there’s a lot of skin showing: nearly all of it J’onn’s. Vixen is blocked by his body and that artful draping.]
Vixen: … I always want a cigarette, after.
J’onn: Was I supposed to bring you one?
Vixen: *laughs, pats his cheek* Sweetheart, no. I don’t expect that much from you. That brain thing you’ve got going... well, we both know I’m only with you because you won’t remember enough to give it away to John.
J’onn: My name is J’onn.
Vixen: Different John, baby. And you won’t remember who he is later. Or recognize him when you see him. You, babe, are the perfect one-night stand.
J’onn: ….thank you?
Vixen: You are *so* welcome. I’m so glad Huntress gave me your number, baby.
J’onn: Who?
Vixen: Exactly. [Steps behind him in this panel, re-arranges clothing, steps back fully clothed in skin-tight but sleek catsuit; J’onn is left with his pants around his ankles.]
J’onn: You know I want love and respect. I’m a person. I’m a Martian, but I have feelings! Needs! I’m lonely! I’m the only one of my kind! Human women are soft and alluring, but you’re not enough, none of you are....
Vixen :[Waits patiently, eyes rolling]
J’onn: Who are you again?
Vixen: Nobody you know, sweetie. Your fly’s undone. [Sashays away. J’onn looks confused and pulls up his tights.]
[Next page: J’onn. On a rooftop. The wind is blowing his cape behind him. Rippling his skin-tight and skin-revealing outfit against him. There’s a V-bandolero pointing to his groin. He looks sad.
A crowd of women across the street are staring at him from an office window, taking pictures. ]
J’onn’s thoughts: My planet died. My wife died. I can remember her. But I can’t remember the people here as individuals. They aren’t telepaths, they can’t understand... and I try to make connections, try to feel something, and yet...
*click* *photo-light* *flash*
J: … it all seems to elude me. I don’t even know how many women I’ve been with, trying to find some solace....
*woo-hoos and whistles from across the street*
J: ...but I can hope that someday, maybe, I’ll find someone memorable to me.
That’s it. J’onn needs a hug and a nice person. Starfire needs a lawyer.