Since moving to Vermont.
Long Overdue, with a lot to Say because, well i guess to be truthful, I haven't said a whole lot. Its very strange to think of myself as a Journalist with the way I type my posts. They are more stream of thought than any of my professional writing ever will be. Plus.. well I need somewhere to type. I'm sitting here crying and .. I don't exactly know why.
There's a reasons I love writing that most people will never understand. My family will never and can never grasp it. Many of my friends will never understand it - or even catch a glimmer. Those who know me well and deeply know that there is somethign to my words when I type them. They are clearer, more .. succint, more full and let me feel adequate when words, psoke aloud, fail me. I get emotional, and it chokkes me..or if it doesn't choke me, leaving me unable to talk, leaves me runnign my mouth emotionally - usually hurting someone else.
Its a horrible habit. I know. Its why i've recognized when angry, frusterated, I tend to run my mouth and try to be careful about it. I think everyone does it to a certain degree but its almost like i see where a person's faults are and always manage to find just the way that they are most easily hurt, wounded - as badly as i feel I am at the moment.
Regardless.. I was writing here to a long overdue post.
I have my own apartment. MINE! A place to call home, to come home, relax in, cook my own meals in, sleep in, have friends over, romance in. Its great, if a little white - meaning all the walls pretty much are white. There's a fairly large bedroom with a build in closet - it has 3 large windows that let a lot of light in. It makes me happy to have a lot of sunlight in my room - especially if i were ot hang a few crystals to rainbows dance over the walls when the sun strikes it right. There's the living room, slightly smaller - darker... but very warm and semi-cozy. It needs a lot more furniture. The kitchen is small and neat - no dirty dishes from roommates! All dishes/forks-sppons are in their place and clean when I need them!!!!!!
There's a bathroom too - tiny but its really cute. Its actually the nicest in design, because it was the easiest - nice shower curtain, matching rug, few candles.
The new job - is great, but demanding as hell. It really is learning a whole new trade. How to be a newspaper reporter in reality - 2 years after you last thought about writing in newspaper style - which was when you graduated from college. That was the college version - this is real world. Every mistake matters, every mistake seems like a detriment.
I take criticism hard- same way as I accept honest flattery, that makes me float on a cloud. Its a learnign experience of which I have 3 months to learn before I feel like any kind of judgment comes down on my head..and I'm only 2 1/2 weeks in. Right.. I should cut myself some slack.
I guess the hard part is that its a small staff. There are maybe 15 reporters total between our office and our other bureau in Souther Vermont. There are... 5-6 guys in sports, there are 4 of us in city news.... 3 guys, I'm the 1 girl..and there are other reporters in business - 2 men...and some who do features and oddities - 2 guys. So yeah, I am the only female reporter in this office, plus I'm the new kid on the block in a new line of work.
I really do feel some of that stress and its making me nervous. I want to succeed so badly.. I'm feeling stressed out about it. I want everything I do to be perfect - yet I'm forced to recognize I'm learning a new line of work in the practical world. I had a dream last night that I somehow completely forgot to do my upcoming Monday's assignment until like 10pm/11pm at night when it was too late.. And because of it got fired.
Yes, I have nightmares I'm going to be fired or do something stupid that leads to me being fired.
Now, onto the its demanding part. The hours are not regular. They are not being a desk, doing rote work that drives me crazy bored like my last job. They are all over the city, doing whatever's asked of me and perhaps finding out information on something more.
I am up, moving, going, talking to people all day long - and often, as people know me well notice - I forget to eat when engaged. So I've been eating breakfast at 8:30am..... and then wondering why at 7/8pm at the end of my day I am starving and could care less what food is put in front of me to eat. OR better yet, what the hell I cook. So i've been eating a lot of junk food.
Yeah.. not good.
ANyways, on the solo apartment and new job.. not bad. I'm not even really upset by the .. soloness of the apartment. I don't get bored or .. lonely being by myself. Its more than I miss knowing th town, knowingn where to go for simple thing s- tired of having ot ask - I'm here, where can I et a cup of coffee near by... or where has decent pizza.... where can I drop my oversized trash off.... where is the nearest gas station? ...
I miss familarity.Badly.
ON the plus side, Mike was up here for the weekend........
It was a good .. and interesting weekend.
I'll leave it at that for now.
P.S. If anyone ever wants to come visit in Vermont - I have a spare air mattress that's fairly comfortable.. with its own sheets/comforter, in a seperate room... plus I'm a decent cook and ther are some interesting things to do and see in Rutland.
There's a reasons I love writing that most people will never understand. My family will never and can never grasp it. Many of my friends will never understand it - or even catch a glimmer. Those who know me well and deeply know that there is somethign to my words when I type them. They are clearer, more .. succint, more full and let me feel adequate when words, psoke aloud, fail me. I get emotional, and it chokkes me..or if it doesn't choke me, leaving me unable to talk, leaves me runnign my mouth emotionally - usually hurting someone else.
Its a horrible habit. I know. Its why i've recognized when angry, frusterated, I tend to run my mouth and try to be careful about it. I think everyone does it to a certain degree but its almost like i see where a person's faults are and always manage to find just the way that they are most easily hurt, wounded - as badly as i feel I am at the moment.
Regardless.. I was writing here to a long overdue post.
I have my own apartment. MINE! A place to call home, to come home, relax in, cook my own meals in, sleep in, have friends over, romance in. Its great, if a little white - meaning all the walls pretty much are white. There's a fairly large bedroom with a build in closet - it has 3 large windows that let a lot of light in. It makes me happy to have a lot of sunlight in my room - especially if i were ot hang a few crystals to rainbows dance over the walls when the sun strikes it right. There's the living room, slightly smaller - darker... but very warm and semi-cozy. It needs a lot more furniture. The kitchen is small and neat - no dirty dishes from roommates! All dishes/forks-sppons are in their place and clean when I need them!!!!!!
There's a bathroom too - tiny but its really cute. Its actually the nicest in design, because it was the easiest - nice shower curtain, matching rug, few candles.
The new job - is great, but demanding as hell. It really is learning a whole new trade. How to be a newspaper reporter in reality - 2 years after you last thought about writing in newspaper style - which was when you graduated from college. That was the college version - this is real world. Every mistake matters, every mistake seems like a detriment.
I take criticism hard- same way as I accept honest flattery, that makes me float on a cloud. Its a learnign experience of which I have 3 months to learn before I feel like any kind of judgment comes down on my head..and I'm only 2 1/2 weeks in. Right.. I should cut myself some slack.
I guess the hard part is that its a small staff. There are maybe 15 reporters total between our office and our other bureau in Souther Vermont. There are... 5-6 guys in sports, there are 4 of us in city news.... 3 guys, I'm the 1 girl..and there are other reporters in business - 2 men...and some who do features and oddities - 2 guys. So yeah, I am the only female reporter in this office, plus I'm the new kid on the block in a new line of work.
I really do feel some of that stress and its making me nervous. I want to succeed so badly.. I'm feeling stressed out about it. I want everything I do to be perfect - yet I'm forced to recognize I'm learning a new line of work in the practical world. I had a dream last night that I somehow completely forgot to do my upcoming Monday's assignment until like 10pm/11pm at night when it was too late.. And because of it got fired.
Yes, I have nightmares I'm going to be fired or do something stupid that leads to me being fired.
Now, onto the its demanding part. The hours are not regular. They are not being a desk, doing rote work that drives me crazy bored like my last job. They are all over the city, doing whatever's asked of me and perhaps finding out information on something more.
I am up, moving, going, talking to people all day long - and often, as people know me well notice - I forget to eat when engaged. So I've been eating breakfast at 8:30am..... and then wondering why at 7/8pm at the end of my day I am starving and could care less what food is put in front of me to eat. OR better yet, what the hell I cook. So i've been eating a lot of junk food.
Yeah.. not good.
ANyways, on the solo apartment and new job.. not bad. I'm not even really upset by the .. soloness of the apartment. I don't get bored or .. lonely being by myself. Its more than I miss knowing th town, knowingn where to go for simple thing s- tired of having ot ask - I'm here, where can I et a cup of coffee near by... or where has decent pizza.... where can I drop my oversized trash off.... where is the nearest gas station? ...
I miss familarity.Badly.
ON the plus side, Mike was up here for the weekend........
It was a good .. and interesting weekend.
I'll leave it at that for now.
P.S. If anyone ever wants to come visit in Vermont - I have a spare air mattress that's fairly comfortable.. with its own sheets/comforter, in a seperate room... plus I'm a decent cook and ther are some interesting things to do and see in Rutland.