Living
The days keep on passing by. Strangely I know. Everything will be all right.
I've been struggling the last couple of days. I'm not sure I even fully understand everything but here is my way of working it out.
First, I think that I'm more nervous/unbalanced by the idea of moving than I'm willing to admit. I believe that this is the root of all of my other issues right now. It's weird because I lived away from home for four years during undergraduate. However, I've never been truly on my own before. While I'll have distant family in Houston it won't be the same as living with my sister or my parents. For one thing, I won't be living with any of them. I'm excited about my apartment but nervous at all the changes behind what I'm doing. As exciting as launching off into grad school is, it's also nerve-wrecking. So I'm procrastinating more than usual, especially on the projects for my apartment. Almost as if I can put off moving by not having things ready. Which is ridiculous and absolutely has to stop. Because I move whether I'm ready or not and I'd rather be ready and not frustrate my family with a difficult move. I'm also moodier than usual. Which leads to point number two.
I'm feeling very abandoned/isolated. It's no ones fault but I feel very alone right now. I have no friends left in Gonzales so I interact with very few people. Which is really tough for me. I like people. I like being around people. Also, I have very little contact with anyone from school. Now, I know everyone is really busy but it hurts a bit to not have any response from them. It brings up old insecurities about not being good enough for anyone and them all just using me anyways.
You know what I think the biggest problem is though? I think I've allowed my walk with God to get sidetracked. I think there is a great fear of the future on my part and a slight unwillingness to trust God with it so I don;t even think about any of it. I'm going through the motions and not really living. The solution is obvious and simple but incredibly difficult. I have to totally rely on and trust in God. My fear of the future will be secure only in that. Also, relying on God alone for strength should alleviate the need for support from others. I shouldn't be expecting others to handle this for me.
I've been justifying/explaining away my feelings but I think the real issue at hand is not communicating enough with God. A very wise friend recently reminded me of the need to say "Your will be done" and "Not my will but thine" it hit home and has been bugging me. So, I'm off to go study His good and perfect Word and remember where my strength comes from. I'm going to need it in the days to come.
I've been struggling the last couple of days. I'm not sure I even fully understand everything but here is my way of working it out.
First, I think that I'm more nervous/unbalanced by the idea of moving than I'm willing to admit. I believe that this is the root of all of my other issues right now. It's weird because I lived away from home for four years during undergraduate. However, I've never been truly on my own before. While I'll have distant family in Houston it won't be the same as living with my sister or my parents. For one thing, I won't be living with any of them. I'm excited about my apartment but nervous at all the changes behind what I'm doing. As exciting as launching off into grad school is, it's also nerve-wrecking. So I'm procrastinating more than usual, especially on the projects for my apartment. Almost as if I can put off moving by not having things ready. Which is ridiculous and absolutely has to stop. Because I move whether I'm ready or not and I'd rather be ready and not frustrate my family with a difficult move. I'm also moodier than usual. Which leads to point number two.
I'm feeling very abandoned/isolated. It's no ones fault but I feel very alone right now. I have no friends left in Gonzales so I interact with very few people. Which is really tough for me. I like people. I like being around people. Also, I have very little contact with anyone from school. Now, I know everyone is really busy but it hurts a bit to not have any response from them. It brings up old insecurities about not being good enough for anyone and them all just using me anyways.
You know what I think the biggest problem is though? I think I've allowed my walk with God to get sidetracked. I think there is a great fear of the future on my part and a slight unwillingness to trust God with it so I don;t even think about any of it. I'm going through the motions and not really living. The solution is obvious and simple but incredibly difficult. I have to totally rely on and trust in God. My fear of the future will be secure only in that. Also, relying on God alone for strength should alleviate the need for support from others. I shouldn't be expecting others to handle this for me.
I've been justifying/explaining away my feelings but I think the real issue at hand is not communicating enough with God. A very wise friend recently reminded me of the need to say "Your will be done" and "Not my will but thine" it hit home and has been bugging me. So, I'm off to go study His good and perfect Word and remember where my strength comes from. I'm going to need it in the days to come.