Imma -- Totally Conflicting!
[Public]
First, a mini-rant.
I do not like the medication that I am on. The dry-mouth is really "dry-throat" while sleeping and I'm ***still*** coughing; the hypomania timeframes are crazy-making; the extra emotionalness I can *really* do without. I am slowly titrating off of one and at my next "doc" appointment I will ask her to change the Rx on the other so that I can titrate down off of that (currently it is one big capsule so I cannot lower the doseage... and neither of these are things you want to quit "cold turkey" EVER).
All of that boils out of my frustration with the amount of journal entries that I deleted. Which I probably wouldn't be *quite* so upset about if I hadn't ALSO deleted the folder on my desktop that contained the word documents containing some of the more important writings.
One of those writings took me several days, possibly weeks, of ongoing brain-storming and deep-thinking. (I'll bet I can find it in an email to Wink, now that I think about it.) It was a writing about "Who I Am" -- the different aspects of me. And I was quite proud of it.
But now, as the pages in my Book keep on turning... leading me deeper into this new Book... traveling through even more Chapters... I find that perhaps it wasn't so terrible to lose that writing because now I have a chance to write it again -- to re-write it -- without so many ties to the past (because the words just aren't there to read). And, therefore, perhaps it will be a more genuine assessment... of who I am... Now.
### Imma: The multiple aspects of this faekin
So, yeah, there is the "fae" aspect of me... but is that my **Little** or is that more of my Spirituality? I don't care who laughs at me but I am a 33 year old woman who truly does believe that I have some faery blood in me; maybe just a sprinkle is left, but it is there.
Side Thought: I wonder if that "fae blood" is what makes me so adaptable (changeling); and so multi-fasceted.
I would say that, for the most part, I could be broken up into 4 or 5 portions:
* **The Primal**: The more feral, animalistic, raw aspect of myself; the cave woman; the she-panther (she-sleen?); the kajira-side of my submissive aspect.
* **The Caregiver**: Similar to the service-oriented parts of my mind and heart, but more along the lines of "Mama Bear" caring for her cubs; the Protector (over myself, over Ren, over any cubs my heart seems to care for); the core of my Strength, feminine strength.
* **The Submissive**: Similar, but not the same. This is the one who longs for the circle of steel and to kneel pleasingly; the one who longs to be needed, pleasing, wanted, owned; the one who wants to give care in a service-oriented way.
* **The Little Girl**: The innocent wee lass who wanders the darkest hallways of my heart; the glitter in my eyes, the giggles and squeals; the one who needs a Protector ***so*** very much; the most trusting, most loyal, most understanding part of me; the unconditionally loving naive woman-child
* **The Masochist**: Rather self-explanatory; probably hooked into the **Primal**; purely sexuality-based but not just physically, mentally also (love me some mental bdsm!).
Each of those aspects probably have at least a few other aspects within them (or, maybe just more adjectives to help describe it) but those are probably the bigger aspects of myself. Well, plus the "Vanilla Me"; but we all have a "vanilla" aspect, I believe.
It's not all fun & games; D/s and S&M. Life is a kaleidoscope of events, moments, feelings, experiences, and that creates within us, sometimes, a kaleidoscope of "personality". At least for me.
And, as much of that part of my life that is dedicated or set on pursuing and/or finding my "Mate", that which I seek is a Counterpart. ((*And, I've come to accept that Polyamory is likely the only way I will ever feel fulfilled in all of my various needs/aspects.*))
The broken trust and abandonment in my childhood causes an extremely STRONG desire (and need) for a ***Protector*** first and foremost. Any Sadist or D-type (Master, or otherwise) to be in a relationship with me would *also* have to be protective.
~OR~
I just really need a Daddy-Type... no matter if I have a Sadist or a Domly-type or anything else.
Sure, ideally, I could find someone who is all of those things, but if not then I believe that I need *at least* two partners: Daddy/Protector and Domly/Sadist/Torturer.
If dreams do come true, I could have it all...
A **Protector** Daddy-type who is nurturing and encourages me to be the best possible version of myself; the gentle kiss good night and the swat to the behind for mouthing off; the surprise ice cream cone for "good girl" and the corner time or writing punishment for "bad girl"; the big giant hugs when the whole world is going insane around me and there isn't much sanity *inside* of me.
A **Dominant** personality to keep my bratty submissive personality in check, even if it's just with that "Look" or the raised eyebrow; the yang to my yin; the naturally controlling individual who *deserves* and has *earned* the responsibility of holding those reigns. He may be "Sir" or "Master" or "Daddy" or "Grand Poobah Munchingowzen" but whatever the title or petname, he will be the strength to my weakness, the chains that hold the beast in line, the wind beneath my wings... and the thigh that I may cling to. The vessel to pour my seva and bhakti into.
A **Sadist**, or sadistic-type personality, who enjoys giving pain as much as I enjoy taking pain (it is, I cannot deny, something that I actually NEED in my life; even if there is no physical S&M, the mind games would keep me going); the one who will fuck with me up to and standing on that boundary line, pushing me farther and farther so that I truly *know* my limits, learn to speak up, and enjoy every asshole-ish moment laughing as I want to claw him to shreds. I need that wicked grin shining back at me... a sadist is the only one who could handle my inner Brat, my inner defiance, I think.
I need someone who can help me fight my demons; I need someone who will satisfy the beast in me (sexually and with S&M); I need someone who will protect me from the world (and myself); I need someone who will be ***HUMAN*** with me, first and foremost.
I need someone who can understand the emotional landmines within me, and the fact that I work to defuse them but occasionally they just go off without any prodding whatsoever.
I need someone who will know me well enough so as to know what type of stress relief I need: sexual, D/s, S&M, or for Daddy's loving arms. ((Not that I'm wanting some mind reader; I've learned to use my words.))
I need someone who is willing to get to know me, even though I have a rough exterior, who is understanding of my difficulty with trust (and other issue that I constantly work on), and who is willing to keep standing by my side - rain or shine.
But, maybe I'll have to settle for fulfillment found in a polyamorous relationship with multiple people. One thing is for sure in all of this -- no matter how sharing or poly the other aspects of me are, my Little is not poly AT ALL.
I feel like these are "realizations" that I've had before... but still, they feel new to me.
First, a mini-rant.
I do not like the medication that I am on. The dry-mouth is really "dry-throat" while sleeping and I'm ***still*** coughing; the hypomania timeframes are crazy-making; the extra emotionalness I can *really* do without. I am slowly titrating off of one and at my next "doc" appointment I will ask her to change the Rx on the other so that I can titrate down off of that (currently it is one big capsule so I cannot lower the doseage... and neither of these are things you want to quit "cold turkey" EVER).
All of that boils out of my frustration with the amount of journal entries that I deleted. Which I probably wouldn't be *quite* so upset about if I hadn't ALSO deleted the folder on my desktop that contained the word documents containing some of the more important writings.
One of those writings took me several days, possibly weeks, of ongoing brain-storming and deep-thinking. (I'll bet I can find it in an email to Wink, now that I think about it.) It was a writing about "Who I Am" -- the different aspects of me. And I was quite proud of it.
But now, as the pages in my Book keep on turning... leading me deeper into this new Book... traveling through even more Chapters... I find that perhaps it wasn't so terrible to lose that writing because now I have a chance to write it again -- to re-write it -- without so many ties to the past (because the words just aren't there to read). And, therefore, perhaps it will be a more genuine assessment... of who I am... Now.
### Imma: The multiple aspects of this faekin
So, yeah, there is the "fae" aspect of me... but is that my **Little** or is that more of my Spirituality? I don't care who laughs at me but I am a 33 year old woman who truly does believe that I have some faery blood in me; maybe just a sprinkle is left, but it is there.
Side Thought: I wonder if that "fae blood" is what makes me so adaptable (changeling); and so multi-fasceted.
I would say that, for the most part, I could be broken up into 4 or 5 portions:
* **The Primal**: The more feral, animalistic, raw aspect of myself; the cave woman; the she-panther (she-sleen?); the kajira-side of my submissive aspect.
* **The Caregiver**: Similar to the service-oriented parts of my mind and heart, but more along the lines of "Mama Bear" caring for her cubs; the Protector (over myself, over Ren, over any cubs my heart seems to care for); the core of my Strength, feminine strength.
* **The Submissive**: Similar, but not the same. This is the one who longs for the circle of steel and to kneel pleasingly; the one who longs to be needed, pleasing, wanted, owned; the one who wants to give care in a service-oriented way.
* **The Little Girl**: The innocent wee lass who wanders the darkest hallways of my heart; the glitter in my eyes, the giggles and squeals; the one who needs a Protector ***so*** very much; the most trusting, most loyal, most understanding part of me; the unconditionally loving naive woman-child
* **The Masochist**: Rather self-explanatory; probably hooked into the **Primal**; purely sexuality-based but not just physically, mentally also (love me some mental bdsm!).
Each of those aspects probably have at least a few other aspects within them (or, maybe just more adjectives to help describe it) but those are probably the bigger aspects of myself. Well, plus the "Vanilla Me"; but we all have a "vanilla" aspect, I believe.
It's not all fun & games; D/s and S&M. Life is a kaleidoscope of events, moments, feelings, experiences, and that creates within us, sometimes, a kaleidoscope of "personality". At least for me.
And, as much of that part of my life that is dedicated or set on pursuing and/or finding my "Mate", that which I seek is a Counterpart. ((*And, I've come to accept that Polyamory is likely the only way I will ever feel fulfilled in all of my various needs/aspects.*))
The broken trust and abandonment in my childhood causes an extremely STRONG desire (and need) for a ***Protector*** first and foremost. Any Sadist or D-type (Master, or otherwise) to be in a relationship with me would *also* have to be protective.
~OR~
I just really need a Daddy-Type... no matter if I have a Sadist or a Domly-type or anything else.
Sure, ideally, I could find someone who is all of those things, but if not then I believe that I need *at least* two partners: Daddy/Protector and Domly/Sadist/Torturer.
If dreams do come true, I could have it all...
A **Protector** Daddy-type who is nurturing and encourages me to be the best possible version of myself; the gentle kiss good night and the swat to the behind for mouthing off; the surprise ice cream cone for "good girl" and the corner time or writing punishment for "bad girl"; the big giant hugs when the whole world is going insane around me and there isn't much sanity *inside* of me.
A **Dominant** personality to keep my bratty submissive personality in check, even if it's just with that "Look" or the raised eyebrow; the yang to my yin; the naturally controlling individual who *deserves* and has *earned* the responsibility of holding those reigns. He may be "Sir" or "Master" or "Daddy" or "Grand Poobah Munchingowzen" but whatever the title or petname, he will be the strength to my weakness, the chains that hold the beast in line, the wind beneath my wings... and the thigh that I may cling to. The vessel to pour my seva and bhakti into.
A **Sadist**, or sadistic-type personality, who enjoys giving pain as much as I enjoy taking pain (it is, I cannot deny, something that I actually NEED in my life; even if there is no physical S&M, the mind games would keep me going); the one who will fuck with me up to and standing on that boundary line, pushing me farther and farther so that I truly *know* my limits, learn to speak up, and enjoy every asshole-ish moment laughing as I want to claw him to shreds. I need that wicked grin shining back at me... a sadist is the only one who could handle my inner Brat, my inner defiance, I think.
I need someone who can help me fight my demons; I need someone who will satisfy the beast in me (sexually and with S&M); I need someone who will protect me from the world (and myself); I need someone who will be ***HUMAN*** with me, first and foremost.
I need someone who can understand the emotional landmines within me, and the fact that I work to defuse them but occasionally they just go off without any prodding whatsoever.
I need someone who will know me well enough so as to know what type of stress relief I need: sexual, D/s, S&M, or for Daddy's loving arms. ((Not that I'm wanting some mind reader; I've learned to use my words.))
I need someone who is willing to get to know me, even though I have a rough exterior, who is understanding of my difficulty with trust (and other issue that I constantly work on), and who is willing to keep standing by my side - rain or shine.
But, maybe I'll have to settle for fulfillment found in a polyamorous relationship with multiple people. One thing is for sure in all of this -- no matter how sharing or poly the other aspects of me are, my Little is not poly AT ALL.
I feel like these are "realizations" that I've had before... but still, they feel new to me.