My life
I've been going through the most tragic time of my life. I woke up on Feb. 18 at 6:30 am to a phone call from my mother. She was frantically telling me she had just found my father covered in blood on their living room floor. In a panicked frenzy I woke up my youngest son, (the oldest was at a friends house staying the night), my husband and I drove him to his parents house and dropped them off and then went to my parents house that live about 15 minutes away. I arrived to find police cars and an ambulance (which was backing out of the drive slowly with no lights on, I knew it was bad then for sure). My grandmother was also there. I came in to find my dad on the floor still, everyone else was gathered in the kitchen. The police tried to shield me from what I was seeing but it was too late. I almost dropped to my knees right then and there. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. At this point I still didn't know what had happened. I ran to my mother in a daze of what had exactly happened to my daddy. What I was later to learn has changed my life forever, I will never be the same person I once was. My parents own their own trucking business and apparently months ago my father suffered a stroke across his forehead which wasn't noticeable to me and my dad made my mother promise not to involve me with anything that had happened. I understand why, my dad was a proud man whom never wanted anyone to worry about him, especially his only daughter. *that by the way, doesn't make it better for me in any way* But what he wasn't telling anyone was that it was worse than he let on. He wouldn't let anyone go to the doctor with him or anything and he kept telling my mom he was fine. But on the inside there was something very, terribly wrong going on with him. Things we will now never know because my daddy took a rifle and with a single gunshot wound to the head he comitted suicide( I didn't find this out until I had been at their house for over 20 minutes because I couldn't get over the fact that he was gone enough to ask what had happened). This started a whole nother ordeal for me. The one thing I know is that was not my dad in that body. Not in a million years would I or ANYONE would of ever thought that thought was going through his head.... I will never come out of disbelief over this, I can not accept this in any other way but to believe doctors were telling him things were worse than he let on and that he wasn't going to be able to work anymore and he thought they were going to lose everything that he'd worked so hard all of his life to have. The thing is they were very stable finacially, trust me I know cause I've had to spend the last week going over all of their finances to make sure my mom is going to be ok in that department. Which tells me something else was going on with him that like I said we may Never ever know. I live with the guilt that I was too stupid or busy not to notice my father was hurting in some way and that I could of/should of been there in some way to help. But I did talk to him often and he would not show one ounce of depression or anything around me and his grandchildren. My mom lives with the guilt that he waited until she went to bed and that she didn't hear it happen. I just try to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but it is so hard for me to try to understand that my father could do this. If you knew my dad you would understand that nothing got him down. I wish I could know what he was thinking that night. I am so lost without him right now. Thankfully I have the greatest husband, family and friends to help me through this time of misfortune. I love you all so much. Daddy I will miss you and I love you soooo much. I know you are well now, until we meet again.