weariness
i think that one of the worst things in the world is to let yourself get bogged down by everything around you. and unfortunately, i let that happen to me entirely too often. i worry about money and how i'm going to pay my bills, often even how i'm going to buy food, i worry about my relationship and how that is going, how i am treating him, how he is treating me, i worry about my future, or sometimes what seems like the lack thereof. all this worrying can get me down.
my mom, bless her, tells me all the time that i should pray, and cast my cares upon Jesus. which is easy for her to say. her biggest sins right now are whether or not she loses her temper kind of stuff. i can't help but think that God doesn't want me anymore, with all the things that i've done and even some that i'm still doing, and i know that's a lie, but it's so easy to believe. how do you get past that point? how can you tell yourself that no matter what you've done, no matter how many times you've failed and are still failing, that God still wants you and still loves you?
sometimes i just get so sick of everything that's going on, everything rolling around in my head, the bullshit at work and sometimes at home too, that i just want it to all go away. i have those days where i can just sit and stare at nothing for hours, and not even realize it. not move, and not notice. i know i could never kill myself, i think it's a stupid thing to do. but that doesn't mean that the thought of making everything stop doesn't enter my mind occasionally.
i'm just plain sick of not being good enough for anyone anymore.