thoughts inspired by Dear Boy
Ah, this episode contains some of my favorite lines about the Darla/Angel(us) relationship.
"You took me places... showed me things... you blew the top of my head, but you never made me happy."
"God doesn't want you, but I still do."
It's interesting that Angel stakes his Sire for threatening Buffy and Spike threatened to stake his Sire to prove his love to Buffy (Spike might have known of what Angel'd done to Darla - was he trying to prove that he was as worthy as Angel to hold Buffy's heart? Show that he was willing to sacrifice as much as Angel had, for love of Buffy?).
It comes down to the heart choosing. Darla chose Liam. Out of all the men in all the world, she chose this one to be her companion. She gave Angel the chance to become what he had the potential to be - an artist (Interesting thoughts - Angel's an artist, and damn good at sketching, while Spike is a poet and a suck one) and a somebody. She gave Liam, who couldn't convince his father to take him seriously, the chance to show everyone that he wasn't ever to be taken lightly.
"That kind of darkness is innate - it was in you before we ever met."
See, the thing is, anyone can be evil. Anyone can make the wrong choices and end up destroying themselves. We've seen banal evil so many times - what made Angelus special was his style. He was an artist of death ("Death is your art, you make it with your hands, day by day."). He took pleasure in causing pain partly because an artist is always pleased when his art inspires strong reactions.
Love is a strong thing, though. Angelus didn't love Darla. He wasn't capable of it. He wasn't capable of loving anything, not because he was a vampire, but because he was this particular vampire. But when a vampire is made, what affection they do have is twisted. The... humanity is leached out of it, for lack of a better word. There's caring, but it rings hollow when put up against something with soul. Soulless Spike thought that he loved Dru and then Buffy with everything that he was, but after he got that soul, everything was reevaluated. He realized that there was an entire dimension to caring that hadn't existed when he was soulless. But it was something that he hadn't realized was missing until he got it back.
In Season Two, Angelus is obsessed with Buffy. He touches her in Passion, sketches her. Doesn't try to kill her. In retrospect, I'm not sure that he was ever planning on killing her (although I'm sure he definitely entertained thoughts of turning her... only to hate himself for wanting her that much). As Angel, his entire world had become Buffy, therefore, as Angelus, the only way to be rid of his obsession with her was to be rid of the world.
She made him feel human. She made him feel alive. She made him want.
She made him somebody.
Sound familiar?
"I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man..."
"I died so many years ago, but you can make me feel like it isn't so..."
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Angel saw a beautiful, shining girl. He saw sunlight and life in her every breath. He saw this same girl, crying and staring into a mirror, heart-sick over her parent's arguments. He saw this girl fighting and killing her first vampire. He saw Buffy in three lights and loved them all.
He saw her and he was captivated by her. To him, Buffy must have represented all that was bright and glorious about humanity... all that he had forgotten. Darla showed him how to kill and Buffy taught him when he should. And she gave him what has become his philosophy - "Strong is fighting."
The whole Buffy thing must have driven Darla crazy. He killed her for Buffy's sake. He told her that he never loved her, that she never made him happy. That neither of them were capable of it.
And she scoffs. But then everything that she did does start to wear on her and she wants to try for the easy way out (as Anya did in Hell's Bells). But there is no easy out.
Darla sees Angel's caring and then she gets vamped again. And the pain lingers for a while (she tells us that in Reprise, when she tells Angel that he'll feel his soul until he kills again). Darla's back, but this time, she knows what it's like to be cared for. The first time around, Darla died a bitter whore, willing giving up her soul to the devil if he wants it. The second time, she's forced into it. This time, Darla didn't cede her soul - it was stolen from her. And she can still feel Angel, just as he can feel her ("He remembers when you were still warm.").
Then Darla gets the ultimate proof that she wasn't Angel's happiness.
"You still have a soul."
He'd given himself up to her, as was meant to be, and yet didn't return to her. How incredibly frustrating and humilating for her. Is it any wonder she went off? And then she was stuck with a kid and with a soul again.
And once again, Darla was given a gift. She loved her son. She loved him and she understood what she'd been missing. Finally, this love thing made sense. This was something you'd not only kill for... this was something you'd willingly die for, with a song in your heart, knowing that your sacrifice would give the one you love a chance (And Darla'd never been willing to die for anything but the Master before - and that was because he was her maker... and probably because she knew that he wouldn't ever really kill her - after all, he chose her, like she chose Angel).
So much was done to Darla.
"Four hundred years and still too short..."
And it was short because, for all the thrills and excitements of those years, they were shallow. But in the end, Darla chose her death. And she did it for the most noble reason in the world - to save another life. In one act, Darla did redeem herself - in part by ending her life before she could lose her chance. Darla knew that if she could have her child the normal way that she'd stop loving him. He wouldn't be her 'one good thing' anymore. Because of that act, which mirrors Buffy's sacrifice in The Gift (and those two do have so much in common), she ended up where Buffy did - heaven. One good thing is enough, if you mean it with all of your heart and all of your soul.
And because Connor had been her one good thing, she was given the chance to save him before it was too late.
But Connor was already too broken to believe in her. He was given a choice of what to believe -
a) your mother loves you this much.
or
b) your father hates you this much.
And we know which one of those he picked.
"You took me places... showed me things... you blew the top of my head, but you never made me happy."
"God doesn't want you, but I still do."
It's interesting that Angel stakes his Sire for threatening Buffy and Spike threatened to stake his Sire to prove his love to Buffy (Spike might have known of what Angel'd done to Darla - was he trying to prove that he was as worthy as Angel to hold Buffy's heart? Show that he was willing to sacrifice as much as Angel had, for love of Buffy?).
It comes down to the heart choosing. Darla chose Liam. Out of all the men in all the world, she chose this one to be her companion. She gave Angel the chance to become what he had the potential to be - an artist (Interesting thoughts - Angel's an artist, and damn good at sketching, while Spike is a poet and a suck one) and a somebody. She gave Liam, who couldn't convince his father to take him seriously, the chance to show everyone that he wasn't ever to be taken lightly.
"That kind of darkness is innate - it was in you before we ever met."
See, the thing is, anyone can be evil. Anyone can make the wrong choices and end up destroying themselves. We've seen banal evil so many times - what made Angelus special was his style. He was an artist of death ("Death is your art, you make it with your hands, day by day."). He took pleasure in causing pain partly because an artist is always pleased when his art inspires strong reactions.
Love is a strong thing, though. Angelus didn't love Darla. He wasn't capable of it. He wasn't capable of loving anything, not because he was a vampire, but because he was this particular vampire. But when a vampire is made, what affection they do have is twisted. The... humanity is leached out of it, for lack of a better word. There's caring, but it rings hollow when put up against something with soul. Soulless Spike thought that he loved Dru and then Buffy with everything that he was, but after he got that soul, everything was reevaluated. He realized that there was an entire dimension to caring that hadn't existed when he was soulless. But it was something that he hadn't realized was missing until he got it back.
In Season Two, Angelus is obsessed with Buffy. He touches her in Passion, sketches her. Doesn't try to kill her. In retrospect, I'm not sure that he was ever planning on killing her (although I'm sure he definitely entertained thoughts of turning her... only to hate himself for wanting her that much). As Angel, his entire world had become Buffy, therefore, as Angelus, the only way to be rid of his obsession with her was to be rid of the world.
She made him feel human. She made him feel alive. She made him want.
She made him somebody.
Sound familiar?
"I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man..."
"I died so many years ago, but you can make me feel like it isn't so..."
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Angel saw a beautiful, shining girl. He saw sunlight and life in her every breath. He saw this same girl, crying and staring into a mirror, heart-sick over her parent's arguments. He saw this girl fighting and killing her first vampire. He saw Buffy in three lights and loved them all.
He saw her and he was captivated by her. To him, Buffy must have represented all that was bright and glorious about humanity... all that he had forgotten. Darla showed him how to kill and Buffy taught him when he should. And she gave him what has become his philosophy - "Strong is fighting."
The whole Buffy thing must have driven Darla crazy. He killed her for Buffy's sake. He told her that he never loved her, that she never made him happy. That neither of them were capable of it.
And she scoffs. But then everything that she did does start to wear on her and she wants to try for the easy way out (as Anya did in Hell's Bells). But there is no easy out.
Darla sees Angel's caring and then she gets vamped again. And the pain lingers for a while (she tells us that in Reprise, when she tells Angel that he'll feel his soul until he kills again). Darla's back, but this time, she knows what it's like to be cared for. The first time around, Darla died a bitter whore, willing giving up her soul to the devil if he wants it. The second time, she's forced into it. This time, Darla didn't cede her soul - it was stolen from her. And she can still feel Angel, just as he can feel her ("He remembers when you were still warm.").
Then Darla gets the ultimate proof that she wasn't Angel's happiness.
"You still have a soul."
He'd given himself up to her, as was meant to be, and yet didn't return to her. How incredibly frustrating and humilating for her. Is it any wonder she went off? And then she was stuck with a kid and with a soul again.
And once again, Darla was given a gift. She loved her son. She loved him and she understood what she'd been missing. Finally, this love thing made sense. This was something you'd not only kill for... this was something you'd willingly die for, with a song in your heart, knowing that your sacrifice would give the one you love a chance (And Darla'd never been willing to die for anything but the Master before - and that was because he was her maker... and probably because she knew that he wouldn't ever really kill her - after all, he chose her, like she chose Angel).
So much was done to Darla.
"Four hundred years and still too short..."
And it was short because, for all the thrills and excitements of those years, they were shallow. But in the end, Darla chose her death. And she did it for the most noble reason in the world - to save another life. In one act, Darla did redeem herself - in part by ending her life before she could lose her chance. Darla knew that if she could have her child the normal way that she'd stop loving him. He wouldn't be her 'one good thing' anymore. Because of that act, which mirrors Buffy's sacrifice in The Gift (and those two do have so much in common), she ended up where Buffy did - heaven. One good thing is enough, if you mean it with all of your heart and all of your soul.
And because Connor had been her one good thing, she was given the chance to save him before it was too late.
But Connor was already too broken to believe in her. He was given a choice of what to believe -
a) your mother loves you this much.
or
b) your father hates you this much.
And we know which one of those he picked.