Kradam Big Bang Fic: A Subtle Fire (1/2)
Title: A Subtle Fire
Pairing: Kris/Adam; Kris/Katy (past), Adam/others (past)
Word Count: ~19,200
Rating/ NC-17
Warnings: References to past infidelity.
Summary: Kris Allen may be divorced now, but he’s still in the closet with no signs of coming out. Adam Lambert should be too busy nursing the sting of his latest break-up to fall back in love with the guy who broke his heart years ago. Unfortunately, the heart isn’t great at ‘should’.
Author’s Note: Written for the 2012 Kradam Big Bang. The header and dividers by the talented faerielissa. Thank you to sissygalore for a very helpful plot suggestion. Many thanks to sbb23 for the terrific beta work. Title from a poem by Sappho. All section titles are lyrics from songs co-written by Kris or Adam.
Art Master Post: here.
Fic Also Available: DW / AO3
One: roads in front of me, leading me astray
“It just didn’t work out,” Kris Allen said, putting as much sincerity into his voice as he could manage. “Me and Katy grew apart years ago. My life is on the road and here in LA. She’s happy in Arkansas. Our lives didn’t fit together anymore. When all you have in common with your wife is that you both love your dog, it’s probably time to get a divorce. For the two of us, it actually feels like we’ve been divorced for a while, because we’ve spent so much time apart from each other.”
The words flowed out easily; all that rehearsing had done its job. He couldn’t stop himself from fiddling with the cord on his wrist, though, that last small tell. Almost no one would notice it, he told himself.
After the interview, he absently wiped at his mouth, smearing lipstick onto his fingers. One of the stagehands removed his microphone and Kris said a soft thank-you. The pad of his thumb was slightly waxy and he rubbed it against his jeans to get the make-up off. Kris didn’t let himself dwell on his thoughts, twisted up as they were; he headed off to meet up with his manager.
When he got backstage, Hannah was practically euphoric, her auburn curls bouncing a little as she waved her phone at him. She was always good-natured, but he’d rarely seen her quite this excited.
“We got Zooey!” she said, in that light and clear voice that always made him think of a songbird. “She’s said she’ll do it.”
“What?” Kris asked. “Zooey?”
“If you tell me you’ve already forgotten, I won’t believe you,” Hannah said, quieter now, leaning in to make it more of a private discussion.
“Please tell me this isn’t about the girlfriend thing,” Kris said. He’d said ‘no’ to it. At least a dozen times.
“Your first date will be in a month,” she said.
“I can’t date someone I don’t know,” Kris said, but he’d already said that in the meeting. It hadn’t made much impact there, either.
“You’ll love her,” Hannah said. “Everyone loves her. It’s not like you have to sleep with her, so suck it up. It’s only dinner. Wear something nice. Wear-I’ll pick it out for you. You’ll look great together. She’ll wear flats. Plus, she’s just your type.”
“Last time I checked, she was still a girl,” Kris said.
“I swear, it’s like you don’t listen to half of what I say,” Hannah said, still cheerful. “Oh, good news!” When Kris didn’t say anything, she grinned, teeth flashing white. “It really is good news, I promise. Adam Lambert is single again.” She said it the exact way that Katy would always tell Zorro that she had a treat for him. Kris wasn’t sure if he felt more embarrassed for himself or for Hannah.
“I know,” Kris said. He shrugged at her raised eyebrow. “He told me.”
“And?”
“And nothing,” Kris said. Hannah’s smile faded but she moved on to business after that, which was a relief, because that was not a conversation he wanted to have with anyone.
Kris was still hoping he could find a way out of this whole ridiculous idea. Even if he could pull off all the pretending, it would be exhausting. Faking a relationship with someone was almost as time-consuming as actually being in a relationship. He didn’t want to do it again.
Unfortunately, the list of people he could talk to about it was pretty small. Of the people who knew the truth, most would say that he should play along for the sake of his career and his relationship with his label and management-or they would say that he should tell everyone to go screw themselves. He couldn’t talk about it with Adam, of course, and the guys would be supportive but probably wouldn’t be able to give him any advice.
He went back to his apartment and messed around on a guitar for a while, but it didn’t clear his mind any. Zorro’s interruption was a nice distraction and they spent an hour or so playing together before the little guy wandered off to sleep on his living room cushion.
Kris thought about picking up the guitar again but after a moment or two of indecision, he gave in and called the person he‘d wanted to talk to from the moment Hannah had told him the plan was going ahead.
“Kris, it’s good to hear from you,” Leila said, warm as always. “I feel like it’s been forever. How’s the press treating you?”
“It hasn’t been that bad,” Kris said, leaning back on his couch and closing his eyes. “Lots of questions about the divorce, but I was expecting that. How are you? You were just with Adam in Asia, right?”
“We got back two days ago,” Leila confirmed. “Adam is currently emptying his house of everything that belongs to Jason. I was helping yesterday, but some things a mother doesn’t need to see, no matter how well she knows her son.” She paused briefly, her voice softening. “Are you calling to ask about Jason?”
“No, I...it’s not about that,” Kris said. “I just needed to talk to someone and you’re...talking to you helps.”
“Oh, honey,” Leila said. “What’s wrong?”
Kris opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, watching a spider building a web in the corner. “They want me to publicly date Zooey Deschanel. Is it crazy of me to hate the idea so much?”
“Not at all,” Lelia said without any hesitation. “I can’t believe they’re asking you to...well, I suppose I can believe it, but they shouldn’t be asking.”
“Thanks,” Kris said. “I just wish I could think of how to convince them it’s a bad idea. I’ve been trying and trying, but I never get anywhere with it. Nothing I say ever seems to make a dent.”
“It’s such a conservative industry,” Leila said. “I never realized how much before Adam started trying to get into music. They are so afraid of what’s new and different. And when you’re dealing with people who are operating out of fear, it can be so hard to get them to change their minds.”
“Yeah,” Kris agreed. “Sometimes I think I should just do it anyway-come out in an interview and damn the consequences.” He closed his eyes again, swallowing hard. “But I can’t.”
“It might be worth it,” Leila said.
“Maybe,” Kris said, not able to hide the flash of bitterness that swept through him. “If I could be sure my mom would ever speak to me again.”
“She’s still having a hard time dealing with everything?” Leila asked. Her voice was light and careful, and Kris appreciated it. Nice as it had been to have Leila angry on his behalf, it hadn’t ever really helped. He didn’t want to be mad at his mom. It’s not like she was mean about it or anything. It was only that she didn’t want her life turned upside down because of him. And he’d already done enough of that just by getting divorced.
“She’ll come ‘round,” Kris said. “She just needs more time.”
“Of course,” Leila said, quietly. “Kris, honey, did you want to come over for dinner tomorrow? I’d love your company.”
“I don’t want to be a bother,” Kris said.
“You never are,” Leila said. “Especially if you bring over some food and cook for me.”
Dinner with Leila was peaceful. She had that way about her, calming and safe. He brought over shrimp and cooked it up along with some pasta she had in her cupboard. They didn’t talk about Zooey or his label, just about music, but Adam came up in the discussion-somehow he always did-and Kris relaxed on Leila’s couch and sipped a glass of wine as she told him a story about Adam as a kid, one that she’d never gotten around to telling him before. She kissed him on the cheek before he left and he hugged her tight, soaking in her affection. He didn’t deserve it anymore, not from her, but he was glad that she was still willing to give it.
He didn’t have any answers at the end of the night, but he felt better anyway.
His first private meeting with Zooey was at the end of the week, so he spent some time checking out old episodes of The New Girl-he watched the show sometimes, but only casually-and while he’d briefly met Zooey when they’d been at the same events, they’d never spent much time together. He studied her face while watching the show, trying to imagine having people think they were dating. Weird. It would be weird. There wouldn’t even be the familiarity of having known her for years. He’d just have to tell her, tell everyone, that he couldn’t pull it off.
“I don’t think it can work,” he told her after their respective management teams cleared out to let them discuss things in private. In person, her eyes were almost the same shade of blue as Adam’s. “I’m not an actor. I can’t do it.”
“It’s not as hard as you think it is,” Zooey said, crossing her right leg over her left and delicately placing her hands on top of each other on her knee. “Acting, I mean. After all, you’ve been in the closet for...how many years?”
“Several,” Kris said.
“That’s acting,” she said. “And, sure, some people might be able to guess that you and I aren’t really together, but I’ll tell you a secret-most people want to be fooled, as long as you’re telling the right lies. They’ll do half the job of lying for you.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t that make things worse when the truth finally does come out?” Kris asked.
“Sometimes,” Zooey said. “Are you planning on coming out? Because your people didn’t say anything about that.”
“I hate lying,” Kris said. He shrugged. “Most of the time, at least. You’re really willing to do this? I don’t want to be rude, but...what’s in it for you? Why would you want a fake boyfriend?”
“Cards on the table? I can do that,” she said. “The truth is simple. I’m still not ready to date again after my last break-up. Thing is, I’m supposed to be wacky and fun. The kind of girl who doesn’t wallow over a broken heart.” She said that with an exaggerated eye-roll. “So, I need a boyfriend but I don’t want to actually have a relationship. When I heard someone was looking for a beard, that seemed pretty perfect.”
“They really put it out there like that?” Kris asked. “That’s blunt.”
“Don’t worry, they didn’t tell me who you were until I signed the non-disclosure,” Zooey said. “Not that I’d tell anyway, of course.” Of course, because that was the way everyone here operated. Hiding secrets was considered standard procedure. There were so many things Kris loved about LA, but this wasn’t one of them. Even if he did benefit from it. “Look, the truth is they can’t force you. They can try to persuade all they want and I’m sure they’ve got all sorts of market research to back up why you should do it, but they can’t make you say you’re dating me.”
“They’re not very subtle when they try to persuade people,” Kris said.
“Well, they aren’t creatives, they’re management,” Zooey said. “That’s a gap no amount of talking can ever truly cross. And we’re the ones who get the shit end of the stick when it comes to figuring them out, unfortunately. In the end, whatever happens, you’ll be able to use it in your music. That’s what I remind myself when I’m frustrated-I can pour it into my acting and music, use what I’m feeling to fuel my characters and give more depth to my songs. Look, if you can’t do it, then you can’t do it, but don’t dismiss it out of hand. If they’re sure it’ll be good for your image to date me, it’s probably true. They’re right about things like that, generally.”
“I’ll think about it,” Kris said.
Two: spinnin’ back around now
Adam Lambert dropped the final photo in the box and then sealed it up. “There,” he said. “Done.”
That was the last box of things that needed to be sent back to Jason. He should be feeling more heartbroken, but what he mostly felt was tired. Some part of him had known from the beginning that it wouldn’t last, but he hadn’t been expecting to be broken up with by text message of all things. It was just tacky-and cowardly, considering Adam hadn’t even been in the country at the time.
“What a loser,” Danielle said, with great feeling. Her hair was beginning to escape the ponytail she’d put it in, wisps of dark hair curling around her face. “You should have kicked him to the curb months ago.”
“I only started dating him months ago,” Adam said, but Danielle bumped shoulders with him and he smiled. “Jason wasn’t so bad. I’ve dated worse.”
“Is this the part where you want me to disagree with you so that you can feel good about hearing me say mean things about him while not having to say them yourself?” Danielle asked. “Because I’m so prepared for that. I already have a list.”
Adam laughed. “Yeah, you never did like him.”
“Never trust a man who doesn’t love dogs,” Danielle said. “He called Sunshine dirty. She’s not dirty; she’s brown. And even if she were dirty, which she is not, she’s a dog. You can’t hold her to human standards. It’s not like she smells bad or anything.”
Adam would never call Danielle’s dog any bad names, of course, but she was dirty sometimes. That’s what happened when a dog gleefully rolled around on the ground. And she’d always seemed to take particular delight in trying to jump into Jason’s lap right after she’d gotten herself covered in dust and gravel. Especially if Jason was wearing white that day.
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that happening again,” Adam said. “Even if he changed his mind, I wouldn’t take him back.” His phone buzzed in his hip pocket and he pulled it out. “Oh, it’s my mom.”
“I’ll take this out to the car,” Danielle said, hefting the box up and heading out the door.
“If you’re looking for your watch, it ended up in my suitcase. I can put it out on the hall table so you can grab it the next time you come by,” Adam said into the phone. There was a moment of silence at the other end.
“Oh! I’ll stop by tomorrow,” his mom said. “But I’m actually calling about Kris. I’m a little worried.”
“You talked to Kris?”
“I talk to Kris sometimes,” she said. “Just because the two of you broke up doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore him.”
“Mom, you shouldn’t say that out loud,” Adam said, lowering his voice and taking an involuntary glance around, feeling a silly a second later when he remembered that Danielle was the only other person in the house right now.
“Don’t worry so much. I’m at home, all alone. And I’m pretty sure that my son is smart enough to never put his phone on speaker in public,” she said. “When was the last time you spoke with Kris?”
“We texted just last week,” Adam said. “The album promo is going fine, he said. Nothing seemed wrong.”
“He’s looking tired, kiddo,” she said. “I think he could use someone in his corner right now.”
“So call Cale! Just because I’m single again doesn’t mean I’m getting back together with Kris,” Adam said. After he said it, he felt the urge to smack his head against the wall. If he wanted to convince his mom that he wasn’t still interested in Kris, a knee-jerk reaction to a gentle suggestion wasn’t the way.
“Well, you can probably remember how to be his friend,” she said, sharply. “I’ll give you a hint-it starts with calling him, not texting but calling, and asking him how he’s doing.”
“Mom-”
“Adam, I’m serious,” she said. “He’s having a rougher time of things than he’s letting on, especially to you, I’d bet.”
“Life isn’t exactly a cakewalk for me right now, either,” Adam said.
“Good, you can bond over that,” she said. Adam couldn’t keep himself from laughing. Out of all his recent boyfriends, it had to be Kris that his mom had gotten unreasonably attached to and not any of the easy ones. Still, it was hard for him to be too mad at her about it-when he was being particularly honest with himself, he had to admit that he was in the same boat. Kris Allen was a hard habit to break.
“Fine, fine. I’ll talk to him,” Adam promised. “Come by and pick up your watch. Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she replied. Adam ended the call and slipped his phone back in his pocket. Danielle was hovering in the doorway and Adam waved her in, tugging her close and giving her a hug.
“My mom drives me crazy sometimes,” Adam said. “She was about a minute away from telling me that I should get back together with Kris.”
“Are you tempted?” Danielle asked. “Because I can still remember Kris’s list, if you need it.”
“That might not be a bad idea,” Adam said, dropping down onto the couch. Danielle snuggled in next to him.
“Okay, he’s not married anymore, so we can cross that one off, but he’s still in the closet and that was a pretty big one,” Danielle said, ticking it off on her fingers. “You guys had some really horrible fights and he made you cry-more than once. You hate the way he walks off in the middle of an argument instead of staying to talk things out. Oh, and he used to leave his glasses in the bathroom instead of remembering to put them on his nightstand.”
Adam waited a second, then nudged her. “Was that the whole list? I thought it was longer.”
“He broke your heart,” Danielle said softly. “That’s the biggest one.”
“Yeah,” Adam breathed out. Danielle rubbed his back and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “My mom thinks he’s not doing okay right now.”
“And you still want to be his hero,” Danielle said, poking Adam’s arm. “No point in pretending that you don’t. Not with me.”
Maybe Adam wouldn’t have put it quite that way but...well, she wasn’t wrong.
The first time he’d met Kris, he’d put the way Kris’s attention followed some of the guys-including Adam-together with the wedding ring and the accent, and he’d known that there would be trouble there, though he’d never have guessed just how bad that trouble would end up being.
Kris had said once, a couple of months after the tour, that he’d started to fall in love before they’d even officially met. Some ridiculous-insanely romantic-line about how he’d seen Adam across the room and everything had changed.
You’re inside me all the time, he’d said. Every time I close my eyes, I see you.
“Maybe,” Adam said. “But I never did manage to save him.”
It was a few days later when he finally got around to calling Kris, half-hoping that it would go to voicemail. Of course, that meant that Kris picked up almost immediately. And Mom was right-he did sound tired.
“She was worried about you,” Adam explained.
“It’s...it’s not that big a deal, not really,” Kris said, words coming too fast and rushed for them to be true. “It’s just PR stuff; you know how it is. I’ll figure it out.”
“Kris, don’t bullshit me-are you okay?”
There was a long pause. He could hear Kris’s unsteady breathing on the other side of the line. Just when Adam was about to ask again, Kris said, “I haven’t been okay for a while.” Kris’s voice was thin and raw and Adam closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. There were only two ways this call could go.
“We should talk. In person,” Adam said, and those words were always so fucking easy to say. “Maybe I can get RCA to arrange for somewhere discreet-”
“We don’t need that,” Kris said, cutting Adam off. “We...we can meet at the house. If you want.”
Adam breathed in, sharp and surprised. “Oh. I...I don’t have a key anymore.”
“I’ll leave the door unlocked.” There was caution in Kris’s voice-not surprising, considering. Adam licked his lips, and there was that nervous fluttering in the pit of his stomach, back again like it’d never left.
“Have you been...have you taken anyone else there?”
“Adam,” Kris said, and the things that he didn’t say-that he didn’t need to say-were all Adam could hear. Adam held back the first impulsive words that wanted to come out, waiting until he knew his voice would be steady.
“Okay,” he said. “We meet at the house. Tomorrow morning? Around 10?”
“I’ll be waiting,” Kris said, softly.
Three: you could end it all with just one touch
Right up until the door actually opened, some part of Kris hadn’t quite believed that Adam would come.
“Hey,” Kris said softly, staying out of the line-of-sight to the outside until Adam had closed the door again. “Sorry you got dragged back into all this. I shouldn’t have talked to Leila.”
Adam didn’t seem to hear him, reaching out and running his fingers over the empty glass vase on the little table in the entryway. “It hasn’t changed a bit.”
Kris bit down on his lower lip and watched as Adam looked around the hall. It was brighter, with Adam there. Every time Kris had come here alone in the last couple of years, he’d always been struck by how empty the house was, but tonight it felt full, with memories tight and fragile, like strings about to snap.
Adam’s hand hovered over the little metal dish in the shape of a hollowed out guitar. He picked Kris’s keys up out of it and rubbed his fingers along the house key before dropping them back down into the dish with a clink. “Is everything the same?”
“Yeah,” Kris admitted, his hand tightening convulsively on the stair rail. “It was just...it was easier.”
Kris watched as Adam walked further into the house and made soft sounds as he rediscovered all the decorations he’d picked out in the first place. Adam’s hair was down today, and it looked like it would be soft. Tight pants, but not so tight that Kris wouldn’t be able to slip the tips of his fingers down inside. No jewelry except stud earrings. Only a slight brushing of make-up on his face.
It had been...had it really been over two years since the last time?
“You were right,” Kris said when Adam had almost reached the stairwell. Adam kept staring at the painting of the rising sun that he’d put up four years ago, and Kris waited and hoped Adam had heard him, not wanting to say it again. Then Adam turned around to face Kris again, slow and graceful, like the first steps to a dance that they’d done over and over. Kris reached out but stopped shy of touching Adam’s face, pulling his hand back down. “They don’t want me to come out. Ever.”
Adam moved closer and Kris breathed in sharply, feeling like every inch of his skin was trembling in anticipation. There, Adam’s hand on his wrist, keeping him from drawing back all the way. “I did tell you,” Adam said, but the words were meaningless when Adam’s thumb was sliding underneath Kris’s bracelets and stroking along his pulse point. Kris wondered whether Adam could hear Kris’s heart speeding up from just that simple caress.
Kris twisted his wrist, grabbing onto Adam’s hand and tugging Adam toward him. With Kris on the steps, they were just about the same height. Adam took a step up, taller again, and desire pulsed in Kris’s stomach. It should have died or at least faded by now, but it was stronger today than it had been the first time Kris had touched Adam.
“I missed you,” Kris said. They’d been just friends for a long time-the longest since they’d met-and Adam was single again. It wouldn’t hurt anyone if Kris were honest, would it? He took Adam’s hand and pressed it against his hip, then waited, feeling a little light-headed.
Please-the word hovered on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it.
Adam let out a slow breath, his gaze dipping down slightly to take in Kris’s chest and shoulders, and Kris shivered at the heat in his eyes. Adam slid his fingers underneath Kris’s shirt and Kris swayed into his touch.
“I think you actually got skinnier,” Adam said, and Kris couldn’t tell whether or not he approved. Maybe he was just noticing. Adam tugged up on Kris’s shirt with both hands, helping Kris pull it up and over his head, then dropping it behind him. Adam framed Kris’s hips with his hands, tilting his head as he studied the changes-Kris didn’t think there were that many, but Adam took his time over it, stroking the thin skin of Kris’s hips with his thumbs.
“Don’t tease,” Kris said, not trying to hide the break in his voice. He was more than half-hard already and Adam had to have noticed. Kris leaned forward, steadying himself with Adam’s hands, and he captured Adam’s mouth. He’d forgotten how good Adam could taste. Kris wrapped his arms around Adam’s shoulders and sank into the kiss, letting himself get lost.
Adam unbuttoned Kris’s jeans, fingers brushing against skin. Hastily, Kris toed off his shoes, stumbling on the steps and needing to rest his full weight against Adam while getting his balance back. Adam was pushing down his jeans and underwear and wrapping a hand around Kris’s cock-it made Kris’s throat tighten with need, Adam’s hand on him big and certain and exactly what Kris had been missing.
Too soon, Adam pulled away, resting his forehead against Kris’s. “Let’s get you upstairs,” he said, and they left Kris’s pants behind on the staircase as they slowly moved up, step by step, not able to stop kissing for more than a moment at a time. Kris’s hands felt clumsy, but he did his best to unbutton and unzip Adam’s clothes, fumbling at times but determined.
There was a new tattoo on Adam’s left arm, right above the bulge of his bicep. Kris had known about it from interviews, but this was the first time he’d seen it in person-a stylized sun in a simple black outline, not yet colored in. After he got Adam’s shirt off, he pressed his mouth over the lines of it and imagined that he could taste the difference between that and Adam’s unmarked skin.
By the time they got to the bedroom, they were both naked. This room, too, would look the same to Adam as it had when he’d left-Kris had spent more than one night sleeping here alone but, apart from that, he hadn’t had the heart to do more than clean up the dust from time to time. Adam didn’t look at the room though, just at Kris, and the look in his eyes stole Kris’s breath away.
The light in here was dim but golden, filtered through curtains that were never opened up. It softened the lines that had started to mark Adam’s face at the corners of his eyes and his mouth. Kris reached up and stroked his thumb across those lines, only there because Adam was smiling, because being with Kris still made Adam happy even after everything. Your heart is in your eyes again, darlin’, he thought wistfully. Adam wouldn’t laugh at him for talking like that, but even so Kris didn’t have the right to say anything like that, not now.
Adam wouldn’t thank him for it in the morning.
He went up on his toes and kissed Adam, pressing their bodies together, skin sliding against skin. He’d ached for this after Adam had left, for the slick movement of Adam’s body against his. Adam was touching him, whispering words against Kris’s mouth, dirty and sweet. They fell back into the bed together and it became their world, like it had so many times before. Kris came like that, rubbing against Adam’s stomach. He reached down and it only took a few tugs of his hand before Adam was coming, too. Adam gave him a slow smile and then kissed his ear, nibbling gently.
Kris tucked himself against Adam, slinging his leg over Adam’s hips and sighing a little when that pushed his softening cock against Adam’s stomach. He should probably get up and grab a washcloth before things started to dry and get uncomfortable, but he didn’t want to break the moment. There would be enough time for that later.
He kissed Adam’s shoulder, nuzzling against the soft skin. Adam pulled him closer, hand curling around Kris’s back. Adam’s heart was still pounding-Kris could feel the pulse of it-but the beat was slowing down again now.
It was a few minutes later when Adam sighed and pulled away just slightly, enough so that he and Kris could look each other in the eyes. Kris reached up and stroked his fingers over the freckles on Adam’s shoulder, but met Adam’s gaze readily enough.
“Up to talking yet?” Adam asked. Kris shook his head, pressed his fingers against Adam’s mouth. Adam’s lips parted easily, letting Kris inside, and when he sucked lightly on Kris’s fingers, Kris shivered and rocked his hips against Adam’s. He wasn’t getting hard again, not yet, but it wouldn’t take long.
He took away his fingers and replaced them with his mouth, letting himself be sloppy and careless-Adam had always liked that. Adam’s hand shifted down and curved around Kris’s ass, fingers teasing. Kris’s moan was lost inside Adam’s mouth, but he hitched his leg up more on Adam’s, opening himself to Adam’s touch.
Still, Kris gasped as Adam’s finger pressed into him, his body shuddering as it tried to tighten up and relax at the same time. “Little...little out of practice,” he managed. And he’d been so afraid that Adam wouldn’t come to the house at all that he hadn’t dared to tempt fate by getting himself ready. Adam backed off and stroked his knuckles over the swell of Kris’s ass, giving Kris a chance to catch his breath.
“How long?” Adam asked and Kris just shook his head.
“You know,” he said. “You know, Adam.”
“I was hoping I was wrong,” Adam said and Kris ducked his head when he heard the tremble in the words.
Kris pressed another kiss against Adam’s arm, against the tattoo that Adam hadn’t had there the last time they’d done this. I love you, he didn’t say, the words caught sharp against the roof of his mouth.
That was something else Adam already knew.
“Shower?” Adam asked. Kris tried to remember if there would be anything useful in there apart from a bar of soap. There was still some shower gel, maybe. He hadn’t used any of it himself. Kris shifted away from Adam and knelt on the bed, resting his hands on his thighs. He bit back a smile when Adam’s eyes wandered down. Adam propped himself up on his elbows, those lines creasing the corners of his eyes again, and Kris leaned forward to kiss him.
Adam welcomed him in, all warmth and openness. Kris crawled forward and straddled him, hands on Adam’s shoulders, and let himself just take for a long moment-Adam’s heat and his joy and his sweet mouth. After the kiss ended, Kris rested his forehead against Adam’s, closing his eyes and breathing in Adam’s familiar scent, all sweat and cologne and sex.
“I missed you, too,” Adam said, the fondness in his voice making Kris’s chest ache.
Kris tipped his head down to kiss Adam again, and then he said, “A shower sounds good.”
There was some uncomfortable sticking as they pulled apart to get off the bed, but it just made Adam laugh, always a welcome sound. The shower gel was still good enough to wash with and, now that Adam was here, Kris didn’t mind smelling like him. Adam pinned Kris up against the wall in the shower, his hands wrapped around Kris’s wrists. Water pounded against their skin and Kris had to blink to clear his eyes.
Adam’s skin was glistening, water beading wherever it got the chance. Kris licked his lips, keeping them parted when Adam’s gaze dropped to focus on Kris’s mouth. Kris closed his eyes and wrapped his leg up around Adam’s thigh, pressing his shoulders back against the tile and holding himself up, skin gliding and clinging.
He felt like he could do this forever; that he could just kiss Adam and rub up against him until the world ended and he’d be happy. Still, when Adam pushed Kris’s leg back down again, he went with it, the kiss breaking as Adam backed off just slightly.
Kris opened his eyes when he felt Adam’s hands sliding down his arms. Adam went to his knees with a smile. Kris brushed his fingers through Adam’s wet hair, pushing it back from his face, and traced the forms of Adam’s face, along the line of the cheekbone and down the curve of his jaw. When he reached Adam’s mouth, Adam licked his fingertips and Kris couldn’t hold back a delighted laugh.
These were the moments that he remembered and held onto during the nights without Adam-the times when happiness just welled up from within, filled every part of him, and came simply from Adam existing and being here with him.
Adam leaned forward and kissed Kris’s stomach, right next to his cock, and Kris stroked his hands across Adam’s back. “Tease,” he said but he didn’t mean it, and he could feel Adam’s smile against his skin.
Adam didn’t keep Kris waiting any longer, his lips closing over Kris’s dick and making him gasp. He clenched his fingers on Adam’s shoulder, keeping himself from pushing into Adam’s mouth, letting Adam control how deep he took Kris. Stay polite, he reminded himself. Wait.
It felt like forever between the time Adam first took Kris inside and when his fingers tapped on the outside of Kris’s thighs-Kris’s hips snapped forward as soon as he felt Adam’s signal. If Adam’s hand after all this time had been wonderful, his throat was heaven, taking Kris in like he’d been missing it just as much.
Kris couldn’t have said how long he lasted, but the water was still warm when he finished in Adam’s mouth, his hand cupping the back of Adam’s head. He stayed there a moment longer, shivering as Adam’s tongue worked over his softening cock.
He pulled out when he couldn’t take it anymore and let himself slide down until he was on the floor of the tub next to Adam. He leaned his head back against the wall and just breathed for a minute. When he felt like he could speak again, he cleared his throat. “Want me to return the favor, darlin’?”
The corner of Adam’s mouth kicked up at Kris’s words and Kris reached for Adam’s hand, placing a kiss on the center of his palm. He shuffled closer to Adam, slipping a little on the slick surface of the tub, and Adam shifted off his knees, spreading his legs. The water was on Kris’s back now, a relaxing thrum, and he bent down to taste Adam’s cock. At first, he didn’t taste like much, overwhelmed by the water covering them both, but as Kris sucked, the favor intensified. Kris hadn’t remembered this right-Adam hadn’t tasted this sharp in his memory-but the stretch of his mouth around Adam was exactly as it felt in all his worn and reused fantasies. He didn’t try to take Adam all the way down, stroking his hand over the extra inches near the base. If he had time to get used to deep-throating again, he’d do it, but he didn’t trust himself to be able to pull it off right now.
When Adam’s fingers tightened in his hair, Kris shivered, a strange kind of peace flooding over him as Adam came. He swallowed reflexively, sucking to get the last pulse, holding Adam inside until Adam pushed at his shoulders. He let Adam touch his mouth, fingers tracing over lips slightly swollen. He knew Adam loved the way Kris looked after a blowjob, so Kris was content to sit there until Adam was satisfied.
Finally, Adam reached behind Kris and turned off the water, which had cooled while Kris had been busy with Adam’s cock.
“Talk in the morning?” Kris suggested and Adam nodded, accepted Kris’s terms.
They managed to get up and out without injury and then Kris pressed Adam against the doorframe, playfully dropping kisses all around his face but avoiding his mouth until Adam narrowed his eyes and grabbed Kris’s chin, tilting it up and kissing him, quickly but firmly. They were still a little damp when they made it back to the bed, but it was a nice enough night that Kris didn’t mind. Adam snuggled up against Kris’s back, wrapping an arm around Kris’s waist and draping his leg over Kris’s. For his part, Kris shifted back slightly, until he could feel Adam’s warmth from head to toe.
Sleep came quickly.
Four: we used to be a jungle, sticky and wild
Adam breathed in, soft light gently pressing on his eyelids. He needed to wake up, but he wasn’t ready yet. He was having the most wonderful dream. He could smell Kris with each breath, could feel Kris pressed up against him, could hear the soft noises that Kris always made when he was sleeping. Reluctantly, Adam let himself be pulled toward wakefulness, waiting for the moment when Kris faded away again.
The moment never came, Kris remaining solid and real in his arms as Adam’s brain caught up to last night not being a dream after all.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he said under his breath. “What am I going to do with you?”
He kissed the back of Kris’s neck, tender and chaste. Then he carefully untangled himself and made his way to the bathroom to pee and try to find a sealed toothbrush. He found some at the bottom of a drawer and opened one up, using the old and half-filled toothpaste from the cabinet. When he was done, he leaned in the doorway between the bedroom and bathroom, just staring at Kris, who was only half-covered by the sheets. The flashes of bare skin were distracting-Kris was always distracting. Kris stirred in the bed, his hand reaching back and grasping out at the air, then twisting restlessly into the loose fabric.
And, fuck it, the only thing Adam wanted to do was go to Kris and cuddle up next to him in the bed again.
Years later, Adam was making the same mistake all over again. Even if Kris was divorced now, he wasn’t out. If he were planning on coming out, he would have told Adam yesterday. That he hadn’t wanted to talk yet meant that he knew Adam wouldn’t like whatever it was that he was planning to say.
There were times when Adam wished he didn’t know Kris so well.
Kris sighed in his sleep, frowning slightly. He made a small unhappy noise and Adam was across the room and kneeling next to the bed before he even had a chance to think about it. He stroked away the lines on Kris’s forehead, leaned down to kiss his mouth lightly. Kris woke up slowly, eyelashes fluttering as he murmured and opened his mouth against Adam’s.
Adam rested his hand on Kris’s stomach, just above his cock. Half-hard and getting harder, and Kris’s hips were beginning to shift under Adam’s hand. He kept steady, but pressed down harder with his mouth, kissing away the taste of morning in Kris’s mouth. Adam pushed right up against the bed, his own dick aching against the side of the mattress.
He pulled away from the kiss, panting slightly, and said, “I really wish I could fuck you right now.”
“Shoulda brought something,” Kris said, with a hint of a smile. “I’d do a lot of things for you, Adam, but I’m not gonna take you with just spit.”
“It’s not like I was planning to-”
“Of course, you were,” Kris said, pushing himself up on his elbows. His stomach contracted, muscles tightening under Adam’s fingers. “You knew what would happen if you came here.”
Adam looked away from Kris’s face, focusing on his own hand where it rested on Kris’s skin. He hadn’t taken off his rings last night, and his green nailpolish was flaking, too. He’d need to reapply it. Kris said his name and Adam nodded.
“Yeah,” Adam said, slowly. He trailed his fingers over Kris’s cock, watched the way it made Kris’s whole body shudder. He wanted to suck it down again, wanted to stay in this bed until the world ended. But the world would keep on spinning and he still had to live in it. “Yeah, I knew. And I came anyway.” The way he always came when Kris called. Like this was still two years ago, or three, or, hell, all the way back to the beginning. “So, come on. Tell me what you didn’t want to tell me last night.”
There was a long silence and Adam peeked up at Kris for a second-he wasn’t smiling anymore, his mouth serious and still. Another moment passed and Kris sighed, slow, like all the air was being let out of him.
“They want...I’m supposed to...” Kris faltered. His hand crept down and folded over Adam’s. “Publicly date. They want me to date someone.”
“A woman,” Adam said flatly. It wasn’t a question.
Last time, there had been nights when Adam really had wondered if a person could die from a broken heart. Every time they’d had a plan, it had gone to hell. Every time he’d thought the path was finally clearing so that he and Kris could be together, Kris would have another marital obligation pop up, another reason why they both had to wait.
Another excuse.
“I can’t do this again,” Adam said. It was the same script he’d used before but he’d finally realized what was wrong with it. Every other time he’d done this, he hadn’t gone far enough. He stood up, away from Kris, who sat up in the bed. Adam’s eyes followed him, because he could never stop looking at Kris for long. “I just can’t.”
“I’m trying,” Kris said, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking as small as Adam had ever seen him. “Adam, I am trying.”
“I know, honey,” Adam said. He couldn’t look at a clock-they’d never had one in this room-but he knew he needed to leave soon, or he wouldn’t be able to leave at all. “I can’t...I can’t stay.”
But if he was going to do this, he couldn’t do it without a real goodbye. He leaned down, resting his fingers against Kris’s cheek and stealing one last kiss.
He and Kris had shared half a dozen ‘last kisses’ by now. One more probably couldn’t do that much damage.
Kris sighed when Adam pulled away and the raw longing in his eyes nearly made Adam tumble right back into bed with him.
“Love you so much,” Kris said, so quietly that Adam almost didn’t hear him, that Adam doubted Kris even realized he’d said it out loud. Kris reached up and placed his hand against Adam’s chest, palm flat and steady, right over the beat of Adam’s heart.
Another kiss, and Adam closed his eyes and threw himself into the feeling of Kris’s mouth against his-trying to stop himself from saying the words back to Kris.
Not that it would make a difference whether or not he said the words. Kris already knew.
They always ended up in the same place, no matter how hard they tried to be just friends.
“We have to stop,” Adam said, barely able to get the words out. “Cold turkey.”
“Adam-”
“I don’t mean like before. I mean...no more texts. No more phone calls. No more I need you,” Adam said, struggling to keep his voice from trembling too badly. Kris’s eyes were wide, his gaze fixed on Adam’s. “All of it has to end. I’ll keep following you on twitter, because you don’t...you don’t deserve that shitstorm, but we...we can’t be friends. I think we’ve proven that. We aren’t any good at it.”
“No,” Kris said, fiercely, surging up onto his knees in the bed and grabbing onto Adam’s wrist with both hands. He was shaking his head, and his fingers were clutching Adam so tightly that it almost hurt. “Adam, no.”
“Baby, I can’t do this all over again,” Adam sighed. He cupped Kris’s face with his free hand and this time the kiss was messy and they were both close to tears now. “I can’t,” he whispered into Kris’s mouth. He closed his eyes for a second, swaying on his feet. Kris’s breathing was ragged and uneven.
“Please don’t go,” Kris said, but when Adam tugged gently to free himself, Kris didn’t try to hold onto him. Adam walked over to the dresser and opened up the top drawer with a hand that, he was surprised to see, wasn’t shaking too badly. The clothes were old and out of style, but they would fit. He stepped into a pair of casual black pants and had just tugged a faded green shirt over his head when he saw the key on the top of the dresser.
The place he’d put it two years ago, the last time he’d tried to end this.
He picked it up, tightening his hand into a fist around it until the edges were biting into his skin. This-this-was exactly why he was doing the right thing. Two years and Kris had never taken the key off the dresser. Kris wasn’t even trying to move on.
Adam turned around, leaning his back against the dresser. Kris was watching him warily, gaze flickering between Adam’s face and his hand.
“You’re really gonna walk away again,” Kris said. His mouth tightened and Adam could see there, underneath the hurt, Kris was getting angry. “Not even gonna talk about it? Don’t you love the talking?”
“What’s the point?” Adam said, swinging his arms open wide. “Are you gonna tell them that you won’t do it?”
“I did,” Kris said, off the bed now, crossing his arms over his chest. “They ignored me, Adam, and just made plans for it anyway.”
“Plans that you’re going along with.”
“Right, because telling my management to...to fuck off, that would be the right solution,” Kris said.
“Yes, it would!” Adam took a step closer to Kris. “Tell them to fuck off. Tell them you’re in love with me and you won’t pretend any more. Tell them-”
“-look, I’m sorry that I hurt your pride, because that’s what this is about, right? You’re pissed off because I can’t-”
“Won’t, Kris. Be honest about it,” Adam said. “For once in your life, just be fucking honest.”
“You lied just as much as I did,” Kris said. “Don’t pretend your hands are clean, Adam. And don’t you dare pretend that you’re the only one who got his heart broken. You walked away, not me.”
“I’d have gone crazy if I stayed,” Adam said, and Kris flinched, his gaze dropping.
Adam hovered between apologizing and leaving, some small part of him counting Kris’s ragged breaths-one, two, three, four-and feeling them echo in his own breathing.
“Fine,” Kris said, and there was a wild moment where Adam hated himself for making Kris sound like that, so lost and empty. He bit down on his tongue. Saying that he was sorry was the worst thing he could do right now. It would make Kris think that they might still get back together. It would give him hope.
They had to end it. Here and now. So he swallowed what he wanted to say, anything that might soften the moment.
“Okay, fine,” Kris said again, in that subdued voice. “You should...you should leave, I guess.”
“It’s not...it’s not that I don’t-” Adam forced himself to stop, because he was doing it again, giving Kris that spark of hope that...that Adam just needed to be talked around and then everything could be like it had been two years ago. “You’re right. I should leave.”
Kris had looked back up when Adam had spoken, serious and still but not calm, nothing close to calm, not with his breathing still that unsteady. “If I’d...if I’d asked you here to tell you that I was coming out-”
“But you weren’t,” Adam said, as gently as he could manage. “You won’t or you can’t or-the reason doesn’t matter. We both know it isn’t going to happen, so why dwell?” Adam took a step forward and wrapped his hands around Kris’s, lifting them up to press his lips against the fingers of Kris’s left hand, where Kris had once worn a wedding ring. He could remember feeling it slide against his skin too many times to count, could remember the first time Kris had touched him without wearing it and how that had made him believe so many things that he shouldn’t have dared to believe. Then he let go of Kris’s hands and took a step back again, his gaze meeting Kris’s head-on. “It wasn’t ever going to happen, so don’t worry about how things would be different now if it had. All you’ll do is screw yourself up in the head.” He reached up and touched the curve of Kris’s jaw, something inside him sighing at Kris’s involuntary shiver. Get out, he told himself. Get out before you give in again. “I hope...I hope we can be friends someday.”
Kris’s lips moved, mouthing words that Adam didn’t try to read. He pushed away before he could pull Kris in for another kiss, before his nerve could break; then he turned around and walked out.
He didn’t let himself stop moving, not even when he heard Kris’s rough breathing break into sobs. He grabbed his clothes from last night off the floor, roughly shoving his feet into his boots, and then he kept going and it wasn’t until he was in his car that he realized he’d put the house key in his pocket, just by habit.
Going back to give the key to Kris would just be kicking him while he was down. He couldn’t do that.
Adam drove to the only place he could right now-straight to his mom’s, only needing to stop a couple of times to wipe his eyes along the way. She wasn’t home, but he knew where she hid her key, so he let himself in. He turned the TV on to Animal Planet and just stared at the screen, trying not to think about Kris.
It was roughly two and half shows later when his mom got home, and she came into the living room still carrying a bag of groceries, which she set down on the little end table next to the couch before she sat down next to him. They watched a cheetah attempt and fail to take down a zebra and then his mom put the show on mute, saying, “I’m going to guess it didn’t go well.”
“No,” Adam said as the cheetah gave up on the chase, loping back towards the water hole that it had started from and drinking lightly. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall, doing his best to find the right words, but it was hard to think of anything that wasn’t an accusation. “Did you know?”
“Yes,” she said. He was glad that she didn’t try to pretend not to know what he was asking.
“Why did you tell me to talk to him?” Adam asked, and when he felt his mom’s arms encircle him, he let himself collapse into her tight hug. Maybe it shouldn’t be as comforting as it was, but he knew that she hadn’t...his mom hadn’t wanted to make his heart ache like this. She’d have a reason.
“I’m sorry,” she said, first of all. She stroked his hair and he let himself be soothed. “I was hoping...Oh, I was hoping that if he saw you again, he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He’s just so alone, Adam. With you-I worry about you sometimes, but you have me and your father and so many friends that you can trust completely. Who does Kris have? His friends don’t know most of the truth and his family-” He hadn’t heard his mom get angry very often, and the heat in her voice only lasted for a moment before she went on more calmly. “Well, they aren’t of much help to him, not yet. But I wasn’t picking him over you, not at all. I was hoping you could help each other.”
“I didn’t know how much I wasn’t over him until he wanted to see me,” Adam said. The words were heavy on his tongue and Adam felt so tired, sitting there in the dark with just the flickering light of the television playing over them. “Shouldn’t I be over him? I’ve tried so hard to move on, to fall in love with someone else, but it never works.”
“Maybe...maybe some things we don’t get over,” she said. “Maybe some heartbreaks we never recover from. Maybe some things just settle into our hearts and ache for the rest of our lives.” She sounded wistful and it was strange how he’d never thought before about how she hadn’t dated again after she and his dad had gotten divorced. All these years and never anyone new, never anyone who mattered enough to introduce to her sons. “I’m sorry, hon, that I pushed you back into something that got you hurt again. I promise that I’ll stay out of it from now on.”
“Thank you,” Adam said, when he could manage it, his voice still rough.
The rest of it-trying to forget about Kris and move on with his life-would be up to Adam.
At least any heartbreak he showed over the next couple of weeks was easily assumed to be about Jason, and most interviewers didn’t push him on the details when he implied that it was too hard to talk about it. Jason hadn’t been famous in his own right, so the story would die down soon enough, and then Adam would be able to stop talking about it.
He should have been smart enough not to watch Kris’s interviews, but when he couldn’t sleep at night, he would find himself looking for new ones and listening over and over as Kris talked about his divorce. Kris still sounded tired-exhausted-and Adam would always wind up wishing that he hadn’t gone looking.
Still, he would find himself doing it again the next night, listening for the breaks in Kris’s voice as he talked about how sometimes relationships just didn’t work out. He’d erased Kris’s number from his phone, but he couldn’t make himself forget it and he had to force himself not to call, not to text.
He’d done this part the other times, too, except that before, he’d always given himself an end date-a month with no contact, then he’d let himself text Kris something polite but not intimate, something that made it clear they were friends. So, a month wasn’t long enough. He’d proven that. Two years wasn’t long enough.
Fuck, in some ways, Adam had been trying to get over this from the first time he and Kris had met. And if more than seven years wasn’t enough time to get over someone, he had no idea how long it would take.
Part 2
Pairing: Kris/Adam; Kris/Katy (past), Adam/others (past)
Word Count: ~19,200
Rating/ NC-17
Warnings: References to past infidelity.
Summary: Kris Allen may be divorced now, but he’s still in the closet with no signs of coming out. Adam Lambert should be too busy nursing the sting of his latest break-up to fall back in love with the guy who broke his heart years ago. Unfortunately, the heart isn’t great at ‘should’.
Author’s Note: Written for the 2012 Kradam Big Bang. The header and dividers by the talented faerielissa. Thank you to sissygalore for a very helpful plot suggestion. Many thanks to sbb23 for the terrific beta work. Title from a poem by Sappho. All section titles are lyrics from songs co-written by Kris or Adam.
Art Master Post: here.
Fic Also Available: DW / AO3
One: roads in front of me, leading me astray
“It just didn’t work out,” Kris Allen said, putting as much sincerity into his voice as he could manage. “Me and Katy grew apart years ago. My life is on the road and here in LA. She’s happy in Arkansas. Our lives didn’t fit together anymore. When all you have in common with your wife is that you both love your dog, it’s probably time to get a divorce. For the two of us, it actually feels like we’ve been divorced for a while, because we’ve spent so much time apart from each other.”
The words flowed out easily; all that rehearsing had done its job. He couldn’t stop himself from fiddling with the cord on his wrist, though, that last small tell. Almost no one would notice it, he told himself.
After the interview, he absently wiped at his mouth, smearing lipstick onto his fingers. One of the stagehands removed his microphone and Kris said a soft thank-you. The pad of his thumb was slightly waxy and he rubbed it against his jeans to get the make-up off. Kris didn’t let himself dwell on his thoughts, twisted up as they were; he headed off to meet up with his manager.
When he got backstage, Hannah was practically euphoric, her auburn curls bouncing a little as she waved her phone at him. She was always good-natured, but he’d rarely seen her quite this excited.
“We got Zooey!” she said, in that light and clear voice that always made him think of a songbird. “She’s said she’ll do it.”
“What?” Kris asked. “Zooey?”
“If you tell me you’ve already forgotten, I won’t believe you,” Hannah said, quieter now, leaning in to make it more of a private discussion.
“Please tell me this isn’t about the girlfriend thing,” Kris said. He’d said ‘no’ to it. At least a dozen times.
“Your first date will be in a month,” she said.
“I can’t date someone I don’t know,” Kris said, but he’d already said that in the meeting. It hadn’t made much impact there, either.
“You’ll love her,” Hannah said. “Everyone loves her. It’s not like you have to sleep with her, so suck it up. It’s only dinner. Wear something nice. Wear-I’ll pick it out for you. You’ll look great together. She’ll wear flats. Plus, she’s just your type.”
“Last time I checked, she was still a girl,” Kris said.
“I swear, it’s like you don’t listen to half of what I say,” Hannah said, still cheerful. “Oh, good news!” When Kris didn’t say anything, she grinned, teeth flashing white. “It really is good news, I promise. Adam Lambert is single again.” She said it the exact way that Katy would always tell Zorro that she had a treat for him. Kris wasn’t sure if he felt more embarrassed for himself or for Hannah.
“I know,” Kris said. He shrugged at her raised eyebrow. “He told me.”
“And?”
“And nothing,” Kris said. Hannah’s smile faded but she moved on to business after that, which was a relief, because that was not a conversation he wanted to have with anyone.
Kris was still hoping he could find a way out of this whole ridiculous idea. Even if he could pull off all the pretending, it would be exhausting. Faking a relationship with someone was almost as time-consuming as actually being in a relationship. He didn’t want to do it again.
Unfortunately, the list of people he could talk to about it was pretty small. Of the people who knew the truth, most would say that he should play along for the sake of his career and his relationship with his label and management-or they would say that he should tell everyone to go screw themselves. He couldn’t talk about it with Adam, of course, and the guys would be supportive but probably wouldn’t be able to give him any advice.
He went back to his apartment and messed around on a guitar for a while, but it didn’t clear his mind any. Zorro’s interruption was a nice distraction and they spent an hour or so playing together before the little guy wandered off to sleep on his living room cushion.
Kris thought about picking up the guitar again but after a moment or two of indecision, he gave in and called the person he‘d wanted to talk to from the moment Hannah had told him the plan was going ahead.
“Kris, it’s good to hear from you,” Leila said, warm as always. “I feel like it’s been forever. How’s the press treating you?”
“It hasn’t been that bad,” Kris said, leaning back on his couch and closing his eyes. “Lots of questions about the divorce, but I was expecting that. How are you? You were just with Adam in Asia, right?”
“We got back two days ago,” Leila confirmed. “Adam is currently emptying his house of everything that belongs to Jason. I was helping yesterday, but some things a mother doesn’t need to see, no matter how well she knows her son.” She paused briefly, her voice softening. “Are you calling to ask about Jason?”
“No, I...it’s not about that,” Kris said. “I just needed to talk to someone and you’re...talking to you helps.”
“Oh, honey,” Leila said. “What’s wrong?”
Kris opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, watching a spider building a web in the corner. “They want me to publicly date Zooey Deschanel. Is it crazy of me to hate the idea so much?”
“Not at all,” Lelia said without any hesitation. “I can’t believe they’re asking you to...well, I suppose I can believe it, but they shouldn’t be asking.”
“Thanks,” Kris said. “I just wish I could think of how to convince them it’s a bad idea. I’ve been trying and trying, but I never get anywhere with it. Nothing I say ever seems to make a dent.”
“It’s such a conservative industry,” Leila said. “I never realized how much before Adam started trying to get into music. They are so afraid of what’s new and different. And when you’re dealing with people who are operating out of fear, it can be so hard to get them to change their minds.”
“Yeah,” Kris agreed. “Sometimes I think I should just do it anyway-come out in an interview and damn the consequences.” He closed his eyes again, swallowing hard. “But I can’t.”
“It might be worth it,” Leila said.
“Maybe,” Kris said, not able to hide the flash of bitterness that swept through him. “If I could be sure my mom would ever speak to me again.”
“She’s still having a hard time dealing with everything?” Leila asked. Her voice was light and careful, and Kris appreciated it. Nice as it had been to have Leila angry on his behalf, it hadn’t ever really helped. He didn’t want to be mad at his mom. It’s not like she was mean about it or anything. It was only that she didn’t want her life turned upside down because of him. And he’d already done enough of that just by getting divorced.
“She’ll come ‘round,” Kris said. “She just needs more time.”
“Of course,” Leila said, quietly. “Kris, honey, did you want to come over for dinner tomorrow? I’d love your company.”
“I don’t want to be a bother,” Kris said.
“You never are,” Leila said. “Especially if you bring over some food and cook for me.”
Dinner with Leila was peaceful. She had that way about her, calming and safe. He brought over shrimp and cooked it up along with some pasta she had in her cupboard. They didn’t talk about Zooey or his label, just about music, but Adam came up in the discussion-somehow he always did-and Kris relaxed on Leila’s couch and sipped a glass of wine as she told him a story about Adam as a kid, one that she’d never gotten around to telling him before. She kissed him on the cheek before he left and he hugged her tight, soaking in her affection. He didn’t deserve it anymore, not from her, but he was glad that she was still willing to give it.
He didn’t have any answers at the end of the night, but he felt better anyway.
His first private meeting with Zooey was at the end of the week, so he spent some time checking out old episodes of The New Girl-he watched the show sometimes, but only casually-and while he’d briefly met Zooey when they’d been at the same events, they’d never spent much time together. He studied her face while watching the show, trying to imagine having people think they were dating. Weird. It would be weird. There wouldn’t even be the familiarity of having known her for years. He’d just have to tell her, tell everyone, that he couldn’t pull it off.
“I don’t think it can work,” he told her after their respective management teams cleared out to let them discuss things in private. In person, her eyes were almost the same shade of blue as Adam’s. “I’m not an actor. I can’t do it.”
“It’s not as hard as you think it is,” Zooey said, crossing her right leg over her left and delicately placing her hands on top of each other on her knee. “Acting, I mean. After all, you’ve been in the closet for...how many years?”
“Several,” Kris said.
“That’s acting,” she said. “And, sure, some people might be able to guess that you and I aren’t really together, but I’ll tell you a secret-most people want to be fooled, as long as you’re telling the right lies. They’ll do half the job of lying for you.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t that make things worse when the truth finally does come out?” Kris asked.
“Sometimes,” Zooey said. “Are you planning on coming out? Because your people didn’t say anything about that.”
“I hate lying,” Kris said. He shrugged. “Most of the time, at least. You’re really willing to do this? I don’t want to be rude, but...what’s in it for you? Why would you want a fake boyfriend?”
“Cards on the table? I can do that,” she said. “The truth is simple. I’m still not ready to date again after my last break-up. Thing is, I’m supposed to be wacky and fun. The kind of girl who doesn’t wallow over a broken heart.” She said that with an exaggerated eye-roll. “So, I need a boyfriend but I don’t want to actually have a relationship. When I heard someone was looking for a beard, that seemed pretty perfect.”
“They really put it out there like that?” Kris asked. “That’s blunt.”
“Don’t worry, they didn’t tell me who you were until I signed the non-disclosure,” Zooey said. “Not that I’d tell anyway, of course.” Of course, because that was the way everyone here operated. Hiding secrets was considered standard procedure. There were so many things Kris loved about LA, but this wasn’t one of them. Even if he did benefit from it. “Look, the truth is they can’t force you. They can try to persuade all they want and I’m sure they’ve got all sorts of market research to back up why you should do it, but they can’t make you say you’re dating me.”
“They’re not very subtle when they try to persuade people,” Kris said.
“Well, they aren’t creatives, they’re management,” Zooey said. “That’s a gap no amount of talking can ever truly cross. And we’re the ones who get the shit end of the stick when it comes to figuring them out, unfortunately. In the end, whatever happens, you’ll be able to use it in your music. That’s what I remind myself when I’m frustrated-I can pour it into my acting and music, use what I’m feeling to fuel my characters and give more depth to my songs. Look, if you can’t do it, then you can’t do it, but don’t dismiss it out of hand. If they’re sure it’ll be good for your image to date me, it’s probably true. They’re right about things like that, generally.”
“I’ll think about it,” Kris said.
Two: spinnin’ back around now
Adam Lambert dropped the final photo in the box and then sealed it up. “There,” he said. “Done.”
That was the last box of things that needed to be sent back to Jason. He should be feeling more heartbroken, but what he mostly felt was tired. Some part of him had known from the beginning that it wouldn’t last, but he hadn’t been expecting to be broken up with by text message of all things. It was just tacky-and cowardly, considering Adam hadn’t even been in the country at the time.
“What a loser,” Danielle said, with great feeling. Her hair was beginning to escape the ponytail she’d put it in, wisps of dark hair curling around her face. “You should have kicked him to the curb months ago.”
“I only started dating him months ago,” Adam said, but Danielle bumped shoulders with him and he smiled. “Jason wasn’t so bad. I’ve dated worse.”
“Is this the part where you want me to disagree with you so that you can feel good about hearing me say mean things about him while not having to say them yourself?” Danielle asked. “Because I’m so prepared for that. I already have a list.”
Adam laughed. “Yeah, you never did like him.”
“Never trust a man who doesn’t love dogs,” Danielle said. “He called Sunshine dirty. She’s not dirty; she’s brown. And even if she were dirty, which she is not, she’s a dog. You can’t hold her to human standards. It’s not like she smells bad or anything.”
Adam would never call Danielle’s dog any bad names, of course, but she was dirty sometimes. That’s what happened when a dog gleefully rolled around on the ground. And she’d always seemed to take particular delight in trying to jump into Jason’s lap right after she’d gotten herself covered in dust and gravel. Especially if Jason was wearing white that day.
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that happening again,” Adam said. “Even if he changed his mind, I wouldn’t take him back.” His phone buzzed in his hip pocket and he pulled it out. “Oh, it’s my mom.”
“I’ll take this out to the car,” Danielle said, hefting the box up and heading out the door.
“If you’re looking for your watch, it ended up in my suitcase. I can put it out on the hall table so you can grab it the next time you come by,” Adam said into the phone. There was a moment of silence at the other end.
“Oh! I’ll stop by tomorrow,” his mom said. “But I’m actually calling about Kris. I’m a little worried.”
“You talked to Kris?”
“I talk to Kris sometimes,” she said. “Just because the two of you broke up doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore him.”
“Mom, you shouldn’t say that out loud,” Adam said, lowering his voice and taking an involuntary glance around, feeling a silly a second later when he remembered that Danielle was the only other person in the house right now.
“Don’t worry so much. I’m at home, all alone. And I’m pretty sure that my son is smart enough to never put his phone on speaker in public,” she said. “When was the last time you spoke with Kris?”
“We texted just last week,” Adam said. “The album promo is going fine, he said. Nothing seemed wrong.”
“He’s looking tired, kiddo,” she said. “I think he could use someone in his corner right now.”
“So call Cale! Just because I’m single again doesn’t mean I’m getting back together with Kris,” Adam said. After he said it, he felt the urge to smack his head against the wall. If he wanted to convince his mom that he wasn’t still interested in Kris, a knee-jerk reaction to a gentle suggestion wasn’t the way.
“Well, you can probably remember how to be his friend,” she said, sharply. “I’ll give you a hint-it starts with calling him, not texting but calling, and asking him how he’s doing.”
“Mom-”
“Adam, I’m serious,” she said. “He’s having a rougher time of things than he’s letting on, especially to you, I’d bet.”
“Life isn’t exactly a cakewalk for me right now, either,” Adam said.
“Good, you can bond over that,” she said. Adam couldn’t keep himself from laughing. Out of all his recent boyfriends, it had to be Kris that his mom had gotten unreasonably attached to and not any of the easy ones. Still, it was hard for him to be too mad at her about it-when he was being particularly honest with himself, he had to admit that he was in the same boat. Kris Allen was a hard habit to break.
“Fine, fine. I’ll talk to him,” Adam promised. “Come by and pick up your watch. Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she replied. Adam ended the call and slipped his phone back in his pocket. Danielle was hovering in the doorway and Adam waved her in, tugging her close and giving her a hug.
“My mom drives me crazy sometimes,” Adam said. “She was about a minute away from telling me that I should get back together with Kris.”
“Are you tempted?” Danielle asked. “Because I can still remember Kris’s list, if you need it.”
“That might not be a bad idea,” Adam said, dropping down onto the couch. Danielle snuggled in next to him.
“Okay, he’s not married anymore, so we can cross that one off, but he’s still in the closet and that was a pretty big one,” Danielle said, ticking it off on her fingers. “You guys had some really horrible fights and he made you cry-more than once. You hate the way he walks off in the middle of an argument instead of staying to talk things out. Oh, and he used to leave his glasses in the bathroom instead of remembering to put them on his nightstand.”
Adam waited a second, then nudged her. “Was that the whole list? I thought it was longer.”
“He broke your heart,” Danielle said softly. “That’s the biggest one.”
“Yeah,” Adam breathed out. Danielle rubbed his back and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “My mom thinks he’s not doing okay right now.”
“And you still want to be his hero,” Danielle said, poking Adam’s arm. “No point in pretending that you don’t. Not with me.”
Maybe Adam wouldn’t have put it quite that way but...well, she wasn’t wrong.
The first time he’d met Kris, he’d put the way Kris’s attention followed some of the guys-including Adam-together with the wedding ring and the accent, and he’d known that there would be trouble there, though he’d never have guessed just how bad that trouble would end up being.
Kris had said once, a couple of months after the tour, that he’d started to fall in love before they’d even officially met. Some ridiculous-insanely romantic-line about how he’d seen Adam across the room and everything had changed.
You’re inside me all the time, he’d said. Every time I close my eyes, I see you.
“Maybe,” Adam said. “But I never did manage to save him.”
It was a few days later when he finally got around to calling Kris, half-hoping that it would go to voicemail. Of course, that meant that Kris picked up almost immediately. And Mom was right-he did sound tired.
“She was worried about you,” Adam explained.
“It’s...it’s not that big a deal, not really,” Kris said, words coming too fast and rushed for them to be true. “It’s just PR stuff; you know how it is. I’ll figure it out.”
“Kris, don’t bullshit me-are you okay?”
There was a long pause. He could hear Kris’s unsteady breathing on the other side of the line. Just when Adam was about to ask again, Kris said, “I haven’t been okay for a while.” Kris’s voice was thin and raw and Adam closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. There were only two ways this call could go.
“We should talk. In person,” Adam said, and those words were always so fucking easy to say. “Maybe I can get RCA to arrange for somewhere discreet-”
“We don’t need that,” Kris said, cutting Adam off. “We...we can meet at the house. If you want.”
Adam breathed in, sharp and surprised. “Oh. I...I don’t have a key anymore.”
“I’ll leave the door unlocked.” There was caution in Kris’s voice-not surprising, considering. Adam licked his lips, and there was that nervous fluttering in the pit of his stomach, back again like it’d never left.
“Have you been...have you taken anyone else there?”
“Adam,” Kris said, and the things that he didn’t say-that he didn’t need to say-were all Adam could hear. Adam held back the first impulsive words that wanted to come out, waiting until he knew his voice would be steady.
“Okay,” he said. “We meet at the house. Tomorrow morning? Around 10?”
“I’ll be waiting,” Kris said, softly.
Three: you could end it all with just one touch
Right up until the door actually opened, some part of Kris hadn’t quite believed that Adam would come.
“Hey,” Kris said softly, staying out of the line-of-sight to the outside until Adam had closed the door again. “Sorry you got dragged back into all this. I shouldn’t have talked to Leila.”
Adam didn’t seem to hear him, reaching out and running his fingers over the empty glass vase on the little table in the entryway. “It hasn’t changed a bit.”
Kris bit down on his lower lip and watched as Adam looked around the hall. It was brighter, with Adam there. Every time Kris had come here alone in the last couple of years, he’d always been struck by how empty the house was, but tonight it felt full, with memories tight and fragile, like strings about to snap.
Adam’s hand hovered over the little metal dish in the shape of a hollowed out guitar. He picked Kris’s keys up out of it and rubbed his fingers along the house key before dropping them back down into the dish with a clink. “Is everything the same?”
“Yeah,” Kris admitted, his hand tightening convulsively on the stair rail. “It was just...it was easier.”
Kris watched as Adam walked further into the house and made soft sounds as he rediscovered all the decorations he’d picked out in the first place. Adam’s hair was down today, and it looked like it would be soft. Tight pants, but not so tight that Kris wouldn’t be able to slip the tips of his fingers down inside. No jewelry except stud earrings. Only a slight brushing of make-up on his face.
It had been...had it really been over two years since the last time?
“You were right,” Kris said when Adam had almost reached the stairwell. Adam kept staring at the painting of the rising sun that he’d put up four years ago, and Kris waited and hoped Adam had heard him, not wanting to say it again. Then Adam turned around to face Kris again, slow and graceful, like the first steps to a dance that they’d done over and over. Kris reached out but stopped shy of touching Adam’s face, pulling his hand back down. “They don’t want me to come out. Ever.”
Adam moved closer and Kris breathed in sharply, feeling like every inch of his skin was trembling in anticipation. There, Adam’s hand on his wrist, keeping him from drawing back all the way. “I did tell you,” Adam said, but the words were meaningless when Adam’s thumb was sliding underneath Kris’s bracelets and stroking along his pulse point. Kris wondered whether Adam could hear Kris’s heart speeding up from just that simple caress.
Kris twisted his wrist, grabbing onto Adam’s hand and tugging Adam toward him. With Kris on the steps, they were just about the same height. Adam took a step up, taller again, and desire pulsed in Kris’s stomach. It should have died or at least faded by now, but it was stronger today than it had been the first time Kris had touched Adam.
“I missed you,” Kris said. They’d been just friends for a long time-the longest since they’d met-and Adam was single again. It wouldn’t hurt anyone if Kris were honest, would it? He took Adam’s hand and pressed it against his hip, then waited, feeling a little light-headed.
Please-the word hovered on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it.
Adam let out a slow breath, his gaze dipping down slightly to take in Kris’s chest and shoulders, and Kris shivered at the heat in his eyes. Adam slid his fingers underneath Kris’s shirt and Kris swayed into his touch.
“I think you actually got skinnier,” Adam said, and Kris couldn’t tell whether or not he approved. Maybe he was just noticing. Adam tugged up on Kris’s shirt with both hands, helping Kris pull it up and over his head, then dropping it behind him. Adam framed Kris’s hips with his hands, tilting his head as he studied the changes-Kris didn’t think there were that many, but Adam took his time over it, stroking the thin skin of Kris’s hips with his thumbs.
“Don’t tease,” Kris said, not trying to hide the break in his voice. He was more than half-hard already and Adam had to have noticed. Kris leaned forward, steadying himself with Adam’s hands, and he captured Adam’s mouth. He’d forgotten how good Adam could taste. Kris wrapped his arms around Adam’s shoulders and sank into the kiss, letting himself get lost.
Adam unbuttoned Kris’s jeans, fingers brushing against skin. Hastily, Kris toed off his shoes, stumbling on the steps and needing to rest his full weight against Adam while getting his balance back. Adam was pushing down his jeans and underwear and wrapping a hand around Kris’s cock-it made Kris’s throat tighten with need, Adam’s hand on him big and certain and exactly what Kris had been missing.
Too soon, Adam pulled away, resting his forehead against Kris’s. “Let’s get you upstairs,” he said, and they left Kris’s pants behind on the staircase as they slowly moved up, step by step, not able to stop kissing for more than a moment at a time. Kris’s hands felt clumsy, but he did his best to unbutton and unzip Adam’s clothes, fumbling at times but determined.
There was a new tattoo on Adam’s left arm, right above the bulge of his bicep. Kris had known about it from interviews, but this was the first time he’d seen it in person-a stylized sun in a simple black outline, not yet colored in. After he got Adam’s shirt off, he pressed his mouth over the lines of it and imagined that he could taste the difference between that and Adam’s unmarked skin.
By the time they got to the bedroom, they were both naked. This room, too, would look the same to Adam as it had when he’d left-Kris had spent more than one night sleeping here alone but, apart from that, he hadn’t had the heart to do more than clean up the dust from time to time. Adam didn’t look at the room though, just at Kris, and the look in his eyes stole Kris’s breath away.
The light in here was dim but golden, filtered through curtains that were never opened up. It softened the lines that had started to mark Adam’s face at the corners of his eyes and his mouth. Kris reached up and stroked his thumb across those lines, only there because Adam was smiling, because being with Kris still made Adam happy even after everything. Your heart is in your eyes again, darlin’, he thought wistfully. Adam wouldn’t laugh at him for talking like that, but even so Kris didn’t have the right to say anything like that, not now.
Adam wouldn’t thank him for it in the morning.
He went up on his toes and kissed Adam, pressing their bodies together, skin sliding against skin. He’d ached for this after Adam had left, for the slick movement of Adam’s body against his. Adam was touching him, whispering words against Kris’s mouth, dirty and sweet. They fell back into the bed together and it became their world, like it had so many times before. Kris came like that, rubbing against Adam’s stomach. He reached down and it only took a few tugs of his hand before Adam was coming, too. Adam gave him a slow smile and then kissed his ear, nibbling gently.
Kris tucked himself against Adam, slinging his leg over Adam’s hips and sighing a little when that pushed his softening cock against Adam’s stomach. He should probably get up and grab a washcloth before things started to dry and get uncomfortable, but he didn’t want to break the moment. There would be enough time for that later.
He kissed Adam’s shoulder, nuzzling against the soft skin. Adam pulled him closer, hand curling around Kris’s back. Adam’s heart was still pounding-Kris could feel the pulse of it-but the beat was slowing down again now.
It was a few minutes later when Adam sighed and pulled away just slightly, enough so that he and Kris could look each other in the eyes. Kris reached up and stroked his fingers over the freckles on Adam’s shoulder, but met Adam’s gaze readily enough.
“Up to talking yet?” Adam asked. Kris shook his head, pressed his fingers against Adam’s mouth. Adam’s lips parted easily, letting Kris inside, and when he sucked lightly on Kris’s fingers, Kris shivered and rocked his hips against Adam’s. He wasn’t getting hard again, not yet, but it wouldn’t take long.
He took away his fingers and replaced them with his mouth, letting himself be sloppy and careless-Adam had always liked that. Adam’s hand shifted down and curved around Kris’s ass, fingers teasing. Kris’s moan was lost inside Adam’s mouth, but he hitched his leg up more on Adam’s, opening himself to Adam’s touch.
Still, Kris gasped as Adam’s finger pressed into him, his body shuddering as it tried to tighten up and relax at the same time. “Little...little out of practice,” he managed. And he’d been so afraid that Adam wouldn’t come to the house at all that he hadn’t dared to tempt fate by getting himself ready. Adam backed off and stroked his knuckles over the swell of Kris’s ass, giving Kris a chance to catch his breath.
“How long?” Adam asked and Kris just shook his head.
“You know,” he said. “You know, Adam.”
“I was hoping I was wrong,” Adam said and Kris ducked his head when he heard the tremble in the words.
Kris pressed another kiss against Adam’s arm, against the tattoo that Adam hadn’t had there the last time they’d done this. I love you, he didn’t say, the words caught sharp against the roof of his mouth.
That was something else Adam already knew.
“Shower?” Adam asked. Kris tried to remember if there would be anything useful in there apart from a bar of soap. There was still some shower gel, maybe. He hadn’t used any of it himself. Kris shifted away from Adam and knelt on the bed, resting his hands on his thighs. He bit back a smile when Adam’s eyes wandered down. Adam propped himself up on his elbows, those lines creasing the corners of his eyes again, and Kris leaned forward to kiss him.
Adam welcomed him in, all warmth and openness. Kris crawled forward and straddled him, hands on Adam’s shoulders, and let himself just take for a long moment-Adam’s heat and his joy and his sweet mouth. After the kiss ended, Kris rested his forehead against Adam’s, closing his eyes and breathing in Adam’s familiar scent, all sweat and cologne and sex.
“I missed you, too,” Adam said, the fondness in his voice making Kris’s chest ache.
Kris tipped his head down to kiss Adam again, and then he said, “A shower sounds good.”
There was some uncomfortable sticking as they pulled apart to get off the bed, but it just made Adam laugh, always a welcome sound. The shower gel was still good enough to wash with and, now that Adam was here, Kris didn’t mind smelling like him. Adam pinned Kris up against the wall in the shower, his hands wrapped around Kris’s wrists. Water pounded against their skin and Kris had to blink to clear his eyes.
Adam’s skin was glistening, water beading wherever it got the chance. Kris licked his lips, keeping them parted when Adam’s gaze dropped to focus on Kris’s mouth. Kris closed his eyes and wrapped his leg up around Adam’s thigh, pressing his shoulders back against the tile and holding himself up, skin gliding and clinging.
He felt like he could do this forever; that he could just kiss Adam and rub up against him until the world ended and he’d be happy. Still, when Adam pushed Kris’s leg back down again, he went with it, the kiss breaking as Adam backed off just slightly.
Kris opened his eyes when he felt Adam’s hands sliding down his arms. Adam went to his knees with a smile. Kris brushed his fingers through Adam’s wet hair, pushing it back from his face, and traced the forms of Adam’s face, along the line of the cheekbone and down the curve of his jaw. When he reached Adam’s mouth, Adam licked his fingertips and Kris couldn’t hold back a delighted laugh.
These were the moments that he remembered and held onto during the nights without Adam-the times when happiness just welled up from within, filled every part of him, and came simply from Adam existing and being here with him.
Adam leaned forward and kissed Kris’s stomach, right next to his cock, and Kris stroked his hands across Adam’s back. “Tease,” he said but he didn’t mean it, and he could feel Adam’s smile against his skin.
Adam didn’t keep Kris waiting any longer, his lips closing over Kris’s dick and making him gasp. He clenched his fingers on Adam’s shoulder, keeping himself from pushing into Adam’s mouth, letting Adam control how deep he took Kris. Stay polite, he reminded himself. Wait.
It felt like forever between the time Adam first took Kris inside and when his fingers tapped on the outside of Kris’s thighs-Kris’s hips snapped forward as soon as he felt Adam’s signal. If Adam’s hand after all this time had been wonderful, his throat was heaven, taking Kris in like he’d been missing it just as much.
Kris couldn’t have said how long he lasted, but the water was still warm when he finished in Adam’s mouth, his hand cupping the back of Adam’s head. He stayed there a moment longer, shivering as Adam’s tongue worked over his softening cock.
He pulled out when he couldn’t take it anymore and let himself slide down until he was on the floor of the tub next to Adam. He leaned his head back against the wall and just breathed for a minute. When he felt like he could speak again, he cleared his throat. “Want me to return the favor, darlin’?”
The corner of Adam’s mouth kicked up at Kris’s words and Kris reached for Adam’s hand, placing a kiss on the center of his palm. He shuffled closer to Adam, slipping a little on the slick surface of the tub, and Adam shifted off his knees, spreading his legs. The water was on Kris’s back now, a relaxing thrum, and he bent down to taste Adam’s cock. At first, he didn’t taste like much, overwhelmed by the water covering them both, but as Kris sucked, the favor intensified. Kris hadn’t remembered this right-Adam hadn’t tasted this sharp in his memory-but the stretch of his mouth around Adam was exactly as it felt in all his worn and reused fantasies. He didn’t try to take Adam all the way down, stroking his hand over the extra inches near the base. If he had time to get used to deep-throating again, he’d do it, but he didn’t trust himself to be able to pull it off right now.
When Adam’s fingers tightened in his hair, Kris shivered, a strange kind of peace flooding over him as Adam came. He swallowed reflexively, sucking to get the last pulse, holding Adam inside until Adam pushed at his shoulders. He let Adam touch his mouth, fingers tracing over lips slightly swollen. He knew Adam loved the way Kris looked after a blowjob, so Kris was content to sit there until Adam was satisfied.
Finally, Adam reached behind Kris and turned off the water, which had cooled while Kris had been busy with Adam’s cock.
“Talk in the morning?” Kris suggested and Adam nodded, accepted Kris’s terms.
They managed to get up and out without injury and then Kris pressed Adam against the doorframe, playfully dropping kisses all around his face but avoiding his mouth until Adam narrowed his eyes and grabbed Kris’s chin, tilting it up and kissing him, quickly but firmly. They were still a little damp when they made it back to the bed, but it was a nice enough night that Kris didn’t mind. Adam snuggled up against Kris’s back, wrapping an arm around Kris’s waist and draping his leg over Kris’s. For his part, Kris shifted back slightly, until he could feel Adam’s warmth from head to toe.
Sleep came quickly.
Four: we used to be a jungle, sticky and wild
Adam breathed in, soft light gently pressing on his eyelids. He needed to wake up, but he wasn’t ready yet. He was having the most wonderful dream. He could smell Kris with each breath, could feel Kris pressed up against him, could hear the soft noises that Kris always made when he was sleeping. Reluctantly, Adam let himself be pulled toward wakefulness, waiting for the moment when Kris faded away again.
The moment never came, Kris remaining solid and real in his arms as Adam’s brain caught up to last night not being a dream after all.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he said under his breath. “What am I going to do with you?”
He kissed the back of Kris’s neck, tender and chaste. Then he carefully untangled himself and made his way to the bathroom to pee and try to find a sealed toothbrush. He found some at the bottom of a drawer and opened one up, using the old and half-filled toothpaste from the cabinet. When he was done, he leaned in the doorway between the bedroom and bathroom, just staring at Kris, who was only half-covered by the sheets. The flashes of bare skin were distracting-Kris was always distracting. Kris stirred in the bed, his hand reaching back and grasping out at the air, then twisting restlessly into the loose fabric.
And, fuck it, the only thing Adam wanted to do was go to Kris and cuddle up next to him in the bed again.
Years later, Adam was making the same mistake all over again. Even if Kris was divorced now, he wasn’t out. If he were planning on coming out, he would have told Adam yesterday. That he hadn’t wanted to talk yet meant that he knew Adam wouldn’t like whatever it was that he was planning to say.
There were times when Adam wished he didn’t know Kris so well.
Kris sighed in his sleep, frowning slightly. He made a small unhappy noise and Adam was across the room and kneeling next to the bed before he even had a chance to think about it. He stroked away the lines on Kris’s forehead, leaned down to kiss his mouth lightly. Kris woke up slowly, eyelashes fluttering as he murmured and opened his mouth against Adam’s.
Adam rested his hand on Kris’s stomach, just above his cock. Half-hard and getting harder, and Kris’s hips were beginning to shift under Adam’s hand. He kept steady, but pressed down harder with his mouth, kissing away the taste of morning in Kris’s mouth. Adam pushed right up against the bed, his own dick aching against the side of the mattress.
He pulled away from the kiss, panting slightly, and said, “I really wish I could fuck you right now.”
“Shoulda brought something,” Kris said, with a hint of a smile. “I’d do a lot of things for you, Adam, but I’m not gonna take you with just spit.”
“It’s not like I was planning to-”
“Of course, you were,” Kris said, pushing himself up on his elbows. His stomach contracted, muscles tightening under Adam’s fingers. “You knew what would happen if you came here.”
Adam looked away from Kris’s face, focusing on his own hand where it rested on Kris’s skin. He hadn’t taken off his rings last night, and his green nailpolish was flaking, too. He’d need to reapply it. Kris said his name and Adam nodded.
“Yeah,” Adam said, slowly. He trailed his fingers over Kris’s cock, watched the way it made Kris’s whole body shudder. He wanted to suck it down again, wanted to stay in this bed until the world ended. But the world would keep on spinning and he still had to live in it. “Yeah, I knew. And I came anyway.” The way he always came when Kris called. Like this was still two years ago, or three, or, hell, all the way back to the beginning. “So, come on. Tell me what you didn’t want to tell me last night.”
There was a long silence and Adam peeked up at Kris for a second-he wasn’t smiling anymore, his mouth serious and still. Another moment passed and Kris sighed, slow, like all the air was being let out of him.
“They want...I’m supposed to...” Kris faltered. His hand crept down and folded over Adam’s. “Publicly date. They want me to date someone.”
“A woman,” Adam said flatly. It wasn’t a question.
Last time, there had been nights when Adam really had wondered if a person could die from a broken heart. Every time they’d had a plan, it had gone to hell. Every time he’d thought the path was finally clearing so that he and Kris could be together, Kris would have another marital obligation pop up, another reason why they both had to wait.
Another excuse.
“I can’t do this again,” Adam said. It was the same script he’d used before but he’d finally realized what was wrong with it. Every other time he’d done this, he hadn’t gone far enough. He stood up, away from Kris, who sat up in the bed. Adam’s eyes followed him, because he could never stop looking at Kris for long. “I just can’t.”
“I’m trying,” Kris said, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking as small as Adam had ever seen him. “Adam, I am trying.”
“I know, honey,” Adam said. He couldn’t look at a clock-they’d never had one in this room-but he knew he needed to leave soon, or he wouldn’t be able to leave at all. “I can’t...I can’t stay.”
But if he was going to do this, he couldn’t do it without a real goodbye. He leaned down, resting his fingers against Kris’s cheek and stealing one last kiss.
He and Kris had shared half a dozen ‘last kisses’ by now. One more probably couldn’t do that much damage.
Kris sighed when Adam pulled away and the raw longing in his eyes nearly made Adam tumble right back into bed with him.
“Love you so much,” Kris said, so quietly that Adam almost didn’t hear him, that Adam doubted Kris even realized he’d said it out loud. Kris reached up and placed his hand against Adam’s chest, palm flat and steady, right over the beat of Adam’s heart.
Another kiss, and Adam closed his eyes and threw himself into the feeling of Kris’s mouth against his-trying to stop himself from saying the words back to Kris.
Not that it would make a difference whether or not he said the words. Kris already knew.
They always ended up in the same place, no matter how hard they tried to be just friends.
“We have to stop,” Adam said, barely able to get the words out. “Cold turkey.”
“Adam-”
“I don’t mean like before. I mean...no more texts. No more phone calls. No more I need you,” Adam said, struggling to keep his voice from trembling too badly. Kris’s eyes were wide, his gaze fixed on Adam’s. “All of it has to end. I’ll keep following you on twitter, because you don’t...you don’t deserve that shitstorm, but we...we can’t be friends. I think we’ve proven that. We aren’t any good at it.”
“No,” Kris said, fiercely, surging up onto his knees in the bed and grabbing onto Adam’s wrist with both hands. He was shaking his head, and his fingers were clutching Adam so tightly that it almost hurt. “Adam, no.”
“Baby, I can’t do this all over again,” Adam sighed. He cupped Kris’s face with his free hand and this time the kiss was messy and they were both close to tears now. “I can’t,” he whispered into Kris’s mouth. He closed his eyes for a second, swaying on his feet. Kris’s breathing was ragged and uneven.
“Please don’t go,” Kris said, but when Adam tugged gently to free himself, Kris didn’t try to hold onto him. Adam walked over to the dresser and opened up the top drawer with a hand that, he was surprised to see, wasn’t shaking too badly. The clothes were old and out of style, but they would fit. He stepped into a pair of casual black pants and had just tugged a faded green shirt over his head when he saw the key on the top of the dresser.
The place he’d put it two years ago, the last time he’d tried to end this.
He picked it up, tightening his hand into a fist around it until the edges were biting into his skin. This-this-was exactly why he was doing the right thing. Two years and Kris had never taken the key off the dresser. Kris wasn’t even trying to move on.
Adam turned around, leaning his back against the dresser. Kris was watching him warily, gaze flickering between Adam’s face and his hand.
“You’re really gonna walk away again,” Kris said. His mouth tightened and Adam could see there, underneath the hurt, Kris was getting angry. “Not even gonna talk about it? Don’t you love the talking?”
“What’s the point?” Adam said, swinging his arms open wide. “Are you gonna tell them that you won’t do it?”
“I did,” Kris said, off the bed now, crossing his arms over his chest. “They ignored me, Adam, and just made plans for it anyway.”
“Plans that you’re going along with.”
“Right, because telling my management to...to fuck off, that would be the right solution,” Kris said.
“Yes, it would!” Adam took a step closer to Kris. “Tell them to fuck off. Tell them you’re in love with me and you won’t pretend any more. Tell them-”
“-look, I’m sorry that I hurt your pride, because that’s what this is about, right? You’re pissed off because I can’t-”
“Won’t, Kris. Be honest about it,” Adam said. “For once in your life, just be fucking honest.”
“You lied just as much as I did,” Kris said. “Don’t pretend your hands are clean, Adam. And don’t you dare pretend that you’re the only one who got his heart broken. You walked away, not me.”
“I’d have gone crazy if I stayed,” Adam said, and Kris flinched, his gaze dropping.
Adam hovered between apologizing and leaving, some small part of him counting Kris’s ragged breaths-one, two, three, four-and feeling them echo in his own breathing.
“Fine,” Kris said, and there was a wild moment where Adam hated himself for making Kris sound like that, so lost and empty. He bit down on his tongue. Saying that he was sorry was the worst thing he could do right now. It would make Kris think that they might still get back together. It would give him hope.
They had to end it. Here and now. So he swallowed what he wanted to say, anything that might soften the moment.
“Okay, fine,” Kris said again, in that subdued voice. “You should...you should leave, I guess.”
“It’s not...it’s not that I don’t-” Adam forced himself to stop, because he was doing it again, giving Kris that spark of hope that...that Adam just needed to be talked around and then everything could be like it had been two years ago. “You’re right. I should leave.”
Kris had looked back up when Adam had spoken, serious and still but not calm, nothing close to calm, not with his breathing still that unsteady. “If I’d...if I’d asked you here to tell you that I was coming out-”
“But you weren’t,” Adam said, as gently as he could manage. “You won’t or you can’t or-the reason doesn’t matter. We both know it isn’t going to happen, so why dwell?” Adam took a step forward and wrapped his hands around Kris’s, lifting them up to press his lips against the fingers of Kris’s left hand, where Kris had once worn a wedding ring. He could remember feeling it slide against his skin too many times to count, could remember the first time Kris had touched him without wearing it and how that had made him believe so many things that he shouldn’t have dared to believe. Then he let go of Kris’s hands and took a step back again, his gaze meeting Kris’s head-on. “It wasn’t ever going to happen, so don’t worry about how things would be different now if it had. All you’ll do is screw yourself up in the head.” He reached up and touched the curve of Kris’s jaw, something inside him sighing at Kris’s involuntary shiver. Get out, he told himself. Get out before you give in again. “I hope...I hope we can be friends someday.”
Kris’s lips moved, mouthing words that Adam didn’t try to read. He pushed away before he could pull Kris in for another kiss, before his nerve could break; then he turned around and walked out.
He didn’t let himself stop moving, not even when he heard Kris’s rough breathing break into sobs. He grabbed his clothes from last night off the floor, roughly shoving his feet into his boots, and then he kept going and it wasn’t until he was in his car that he realized he’d put the house key in his pocket, just by habit.
Going back to give the key to Kris would just be kicking him while he was down. He couldn’t do that.
Adam drove to the only place he could right now-straight to his mom’s, only needing to stop a couple of times to wipe his eyes along the way. She wasn’t home, but he knew where she hid her key, so he let himself in. He turned the TV on to Animal Planet and just stared at the screen, trying not to think about Kris.
It was roughly two and half shows later when his mom got home, and she came into the living room still carrying a bag of groceries, which she set down on the little end table next to the couch before she sat down next to him. They watched a cheetah attempt and fail to take down a zebra and then his mom put the show on mute, saying, “I’m going to guess it didn’t go well.”
“No,” Adam said as the cheetah gave up on the chase, loping back towards the water hole that it had started from and drinking lightly. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall, doing his best to find the right words, but it was hard to think of anything that wasn’t an accusation. “Did you know?”
“Yes,” she said. He was glad that she didn’t try to pretend not to know what he was asking.
“Why did you tell me to talk to him?” Adam asked, and when he felt his mom’s arms encircle him, he let himself collapse into her tight hug. Maybe it shouldn’t be as comforting as it was, but he knew that she hadn’t...his mom hadn’t wanted to make his heart ache like this. She’d have a reason.
“I’m sorry,” she said, first of all. She stroked his hair and he let himself be soothed. “I was hoping...Oh, I was hoping that if he saw you again, he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He’s just so alone, Adam. With you-I worry about you sometimes, but you have me and your father and so many friends that you can trust completely. Who does Kris have? His friends don’t know most of the truth and his family-” He hadn’t heard his mom get angry very often, and the heat in her voice only lasted for a moment before she went on more calmly. “Well, they aren’t of much help to him, not yet. But I wasn’t picking him over you, not at all. I was hoping you could help each other.”
“I didn’t know how much I wasn’t over him until he wanted to see me,” Adam said. The words were heavy on his tongue and Adam felt so tired, sitting there in the dark with just the flickering light of the television playing over them. “Shouldn’t I be over him? I’ve tried so hard to move on, to fall in love with someone else, but it never works.”
“Maybe...maybe some things we don’t get over,” she said. “Maybe some heartbreaks we never recover from. Maybe some things just settle into our hearts and ache for the rest of our lives.” She sounded wistful and it was strange how he’d never thought before about how she hadn’t dated again after she and his dad had gotten divorced. All these years and never anyone new, never anyone who mattered enough to introduce to her sons. “I’m sorry, hon, that I pushed you back into something that got you hurt again. I promise that I’ll stay out of it from now on.”
“Thank you,” Adam said, when he could manage it, his voice still rough.
The rest of it-trying to forget about Kris and move on with his life-would be up to Adam.
At least any heartbreak he showed over the next couple of weeks was easily assumed to be about Jason, and most interviewers didn’t push him on the details when he implied that it was too hard to talk about it. Jason hadn’t been famous in his own right, so the story would die down soon enough, and then Adam would be able to stop talking about it.
He should have been smart enough not to watch Kris’s interviews, but when he couldn’t sleep at night, he would find himself looking for new ones and listening over and over as Kris talked about his divorce. Kris still sounded tired-exhausted-and Adam would always wind up wishing that he hadn’t gone looking.
Still, he would find himself doing it again the next night, listening for the breaks in Kris’s voice as he talked about how sometimes relationships just didn’t work out. He’d erased Kris’s number from his phone, but he couldn’t make himself forget it and he had to force himself not to call, not to text.
He’d done this part the other times, too, except that before, he’d always given himself an end date-a month with no contact, then he’d let himself text Kris something polite but not intimate, something that made it clear they were friends. So, a month wasn’t long enough. He’d proven that. Two years wasn’t long enough.
Fuck, in some ways, Adam had been trying to get over this from the first time he and Kris had met. And if more than seven years wasn’t enough time to get over someone, he had no idea how long it would take.
Part 2